Relationships: The Madonna-Whore Complex is Still Alive and Well Today

In his book, Can Love Last: The Fate of Romance Over Time, psychologist Stephen A. Mitchell posits that the Madonna-Whore Complex is still alive and well for many heterosexual men more than 200 years after Sigmund Freud identified this complex. Specifically, men who experience women in terms of the Madonna-Whore Complex either see a woman as being lovable or erotic, but not both.

The Modern Day Version of the Madonna-Whore Complex

According to Dr. Mitchell, Freud initially identified this complex in a 1912 paper he wrote whose title is translated as "The Most Prevalent Form of Degradation in Erotic Life." 

According to Freud, men who experience "psychic impotence," which is sexual impotence that occurs due to psychological reasons (as opposed to physical reasons), often experience this split in how they view women as being either a "good woman" or a "whore."

According to Dr. Mitchell, Freud explains this complex as follows:  Where such men love they cannot desire and where they desire they cannot love.  

So, according to Freud, it's love that ultimately causes a reduction in sexual desire for these men. Similarly, when they experience sexual desire for a woman, they have problems loving her. So, therein lies the split.

In other words, these men, who experience this split as a woman being either lovable or erotic, have difficulty integrating their feelings of love and sexual desire for the same woman.  

Needless to say, this complex has serious implications for committed relationships because relationships require both love and sexual desire.

If these men are in a committed relationship with a woman they love, over time their sexual desire for this woman wanes and the sexual relationship feels dull and boring.  Consequently, over time, they also see their wives and girlfriends as being "respectable" but dull, which adds to their sexual boredom in that relationship.

Love Without Sexual Desire and Sexual Desire Without Love

Love without sexual desire can feel tender and emotionally secure, but it lacks the sexual passion needed in a committed relationship.

Sexual desire without love has passion, but it lacks the emotional intimacy and security needed in a committed relationship.

In order to experience sexual excitement, these men need to go outside their relationship to have an affair with a woman they don't love.  Then they're able to experience sexual excitement because they have enough psychological distance and there's enough sexual objectification to get excited.

The Modern Day Version of the Madonna-Whore Complex

Although in Freud's time women who were considered "madonnas" were seen as saintly and women who were considered "whores" were equated with prostitutes, according to Dr. Mitchell, for many men today the modern day Madonna-Whore Complex is a modified version of the one from Freud's Victorian era.

Dr. Mitchell posits that many men currently perceive the woman they're in love with as being "nice," which is equivalent to the Madonna in the Victorian era. These men eventually experience their long term relationship as dull and boring. This is especially true for many men after their wife has a baby.  Unconsciously, these men's feelings towards their wife changes once she becomes a mother (i.e., a "madonna") because they're unable to see her in an erotic way.

The modern day version of the "whore" from Victorian times is now called a "slut" (although this word has been reclaimed by some women).  These men can develop erotic feelings for women they consider "sluts," but they usually can't feel affection for these same women.  Hence, the split between the "nice woman" and the "slut."

The modern version of the Madonna-Whore Complex, from the perspective of men who experience this dynamic, divides women into "nice women" who men marry and "sluts" who are desperate for sex and who can be eroticized for hook ups.  

After a brief time, these men often look down upon the women they hook up with and return to their "nice" girlfriend or wife to repeat the cycle until they feel sexually bored again and act out sexually once again outside the relationship.

Dr. Mitchell provides many case vignettes in his book to show how the modern day version of this misogynistic split plays out in many men's lives today and how it affects their committed relationships.

The Downside of the Madonna-Whore Complex in Relationships

The most notable downside of this phenomenon for relationships is that the longer a couple is together, the less intense their sex life will be.  

Complicating matters, according to Dr. Mitchell, is an over-emphasis on the need for emotional safety and the pull for the opposite--the need for sexual adventure. He explains that an over-emphasis on the need for emotional safety in a long term relationship can lead to a dulling of sexual passion in that relationship.

So, in these cases, sexual passion is sacrificed for emotional safety which makes sex boring in the committed relationship, and it also makes sexual affairs more tempting because these people will seek sexual passion outside the relationship.

The obvious downside for women is that they're not perceived as whole people who can be loved and sexually desired. Also, as previously noted, this complex has an inherent misogynistic bias against women who are either "nice" and boring or "sluts" and exciting (although, eventually, both the "nice" women and the exciting women are degraded in these men's eyes).

Women Can Also Experience the Split Between the Need For Emotional Safety and the Need for Sexual Adventure 

Although the focus in the Madonna-Whore Complex is on heterosexual men, there are also heterosexual women who experience this split.

A Split Between the Need For Emotional Safety and Adventure

For instance, a wife, who has a strong need for emotional safety can behave in a nurturing and "motherly" way towards her husband.  This, in turn, de-masculinizes her partner, which makes her feel sexually turned off to him because she has placed him in a childlike role.  

This same woman will see her husband as sexually boring and long for sexual passion outside her relationship.  To make matters worse, a woman who experiences this split usually is unaware that she has created it in much the same way as her male counterpart who experiences the Madonna-Whore Complex.

With regard to these women, to paraphrase Freud: Where she loves, she cannot desire, and where she desires, she cannot love.

It's important to note that this type of split is usually unconscious for both men and women.  Also, when the need for emotional safety leads to an individual de-sexualizing their partner, this is also usually unconscious.

It's equally important to note that, although the Madonna-Whore Complex is common, it's not everyone's experience. There are many people who can have committed long term relationships where they don't experience the split discussed in this article. Instead, they can experience both love and sexual passion with the same person.

In my next article, I'll continue to discuss the Madonna-Whore Complex in relationships: The Paradox of Love and Desire in a Committed Relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you want to change how you relate to a romantic partner or if you recognize that you're caught in a split between emotional safety and sexual adventure, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in this area.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to have a healthier, more integrated relationship where you can have both love and sexual passion in your committed relationship.

So, rather than struggling on your own, seek help in therapy so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Memories of Your First Love Can Have a Profound Effect on Later Relationships - Part 2

In the first article about this topic, How Memories of Your First Love Can Affect Later Relationships, I gave examples of how characters in books and movies are often affected by their experiences with their first love--in some cases to the point of obsession.  In this article, I'll provide a fictional clinical vignette, which is a composite of many psychotherapy cases with all identifying information
changed.

Memories of Your First Love

Fictional Clinical Vignette: How Memories of Your First Love Can Affect Later Relationships:
Sam
By the time Sam turned 55, he had been struggling for several years because he felt his life had lost meaning and purpose, which is why he began psychotherapy.

Sam told his psychotherapist that he was aware that he had a lot to be grateful for: He had a kind, loving wife, his adult children were doing well, he was healthy, he was successful in a career that compensated him well, and he had good friends.  But, somewhere along the way, he felt he lost his way (see my article: Is That All There Is? When Having It All Leaves You Feeling Empty and Are You Feeling Lost?).

He accomplished the goals that he set up for himself when he was younger, and he felt that his life wasn't fulfilling any more.  He had plenty of hobbies and interests, and he and his wife traveled a lot, but none of that seemed to matter any more, and he wasn't sure why (see my articles: Midlife: Transitions: Reassessing Your Life and Midlife Transitions: Living the Life You Want to Live).

When he was younger, he approached each day as a happy challenge.  He loved his wife, Sandy, and he enjoyed raising his children.  But now, married for 30 years, he and his wife lived in New York City and his adult children lived on the West Coast, so he hardly saw them.  And after he accomplished his career goals, he was no longer excited by his career.

He told his therapist that he could retire if they wanted to, but he felt that, in his current state of malaise, he would feel even worse if he didn't have at least the structure of his work.  He was also increasingly aware that he was aging and he had more years behind him than in front of him.  He didn't want to just continue to "drift."  He felt he needed something new and exciting, but nothing seemed to excite him.

Sam and his psychotherapist continued to explore these issues in therapy.  Then, one day, Sam came in and he seemed happier and more energetic than usual.  When his psychotherapist asked him about the difference in his demeanor, he said that his former girlfriend, Becky, from college contacted him through a social media network for former college classmates, and this brought back memories of a time when he felt happy and excited about life (see my article: Romantic Reconnections).

It also brought back memories of being head-over-heels in love in his first relationship.  Just remembering that time lifted his spirits and made him feel young again.  Then, Sam remained quiet for a few moments and when he looked up, he had a sheepish look, "I have plans to meet Becky in a few days."

From the look on Sam's face, his therapist could tell that he expected her to disapprove and tell him not to do it.  But psychotherapists usually don't tell clients what to do, so she suggested that they explore this further.

"There's nothing to explore," Sam said adamantly as he looked away, "She contacted me.  She's going to be in New York City for a few days and we decided to see each other.  We haven't seen each other in over 30 years."

His psychotherapist clarified that she wasn't telling him what to do--only he could decide what he wanted to do.  She wanted to explore with him what this former relationship meant to him, what he hoped to get out of having dinner with Becky, and how he thought it would affect his relationship with his wife.

Sam thought about these questions, and then responded, "Becky was the love of my life.  Don't get me wrong--I love my wife, Sandy, but Becky was my first love.  We lived together off campus, and we were planning to get married a few months after we graduated from college.  We got an apartment together after graduation and we were in the planning stages of our wedding when I got cold feet.  I realized that I wasn't ready and that broke Becky's heart.  Soon after that, she broke up with me and moved back home with her parents.  A couple of years later, I heard from mutual friends that she married someone else, and I was devastated.  But then, my life moved on.  I met Sandy and we eventually got married.  Over time, I lost touch with my college friends, and I never heard anything more about Becky--until now...But I never stopped thinking about her.  In a way, Becky was like a ghost that hovered around even after I got married.  I would often think about her, how things could have been between us if we had gotten married, and how different my life might have been."

Sam said he wasn't sure what he wanted from his upcoming dinner with Becky. He just felt he needed to see her.  Ever since she contacted him and they spoke on the phone while he was at work, he felt happy and invigorated.  Suddenly, life felt exciting and new.  He didn't want to forgo an opportunity to see Becky.  

When his psychotherapist asked him if his wife and Becky's husband were coming along to this dinner, Sam admitted that he hadn't mentioned the call to Sandy, and Becky told him that she was divorced and single again, "I need to do this for myself.  I don't think Sandy would understand.  I told her all about Becky when we first got together, and she knows that Becky was the love of my life.  She wouldn't be comfortable with the idea of my seeing Becky again.  Anyway, I don't plan to get romantically or sexually involved with Becky.  It's just dinner."

In response, his psychotherapist asked him why he was keeping Becky's call and the upcoming dinner a secret from Sandy if he didn't plan to get involved with Becky.  Sam responded, "That's a good question.  I think I just want this for me without anyone telling me not to do it."

Then, Sam dug his heels in, and he resisted any further exploration that his therapist attempted.   

At his next psychotherapy session, Sam told his therapist that he had dinner and drinks with Becky at her hotel and they got sexually involved that night, "I didn't mean for it to happen, but we were both drinking and, before I knew it, one thing led to another...But I'm not sorry.  I realized that, more than ever, I still have strong feelings for her and she feels the same way about me.  It was as if no time had passed.  We had a passionate sex life when we were together in the past, and it felt like we just picked up where we left off.  I've been walking on air since that night.  I feel like a new person--or like the person I used to be when I was in college."

Sam told his psychotherapist that he wasn't sure what he wanted to do, but he knew he didn't want to lose Becky again.  Becky told him that she was moving to New York City for a new job, and they agreed to continue to see each other, "She knows I'm still with my wife, so we agreed--no strings attached."

As Sam heard himself say these words, he hesitated, "I know it sounds like I'm having a cheap affair, but it's not--we really love each other.  Being with Becky brought back so many memories of when I was happy and carefree.  I don't want to hurt Sandy, but I can't give Becky up again.  I just can't..." (see my article: Love: Is It Really Better the Second Time Around?).

For the next few weeks, to the extent that he would allow it, Sam and his psychotherapist continued to explore these issues while he had the affair with Becky.  He acknowledged that if, somehow the affair came to light, he could ruin his marriage, but he didn't want to talk about that.

Instead, Sam talked excitedly about his memories with Becky when he was younger and how happy he was back then, "It was the happiest time of my life, and since I reconnected with Becky, I feel happy and alive again" (see my article: Feeling Alive Again After a Period of Stagnation).

His psychotherapist didn't doubt that Sam was in love with Becky, but she thought that Sam was in denial and trying to recapture a time in his life that was gone. She thought that Sam would normally feel guilty about cheating on his wife, but he was defensively keeping this new part of his life compartmentalized in his mind so he wouldn't feel the guilt.  She also knew that Sam would only become more defensive and possibly leave therapy prematurely if she brought this up to him (see my article: When Clients Leave Psychotherapy Prematurely).

One day, Sam came in brimming over with his new found excitement and told his therapist that he and Becky were talking about living together, so he was thinking about leaving his marriage.  He emphasized that nothing had been decided yet, but even considering this possibility was exciting to him.  

Sam was so caught up in his fantasy about living with Becky that he forgot to turn off his phone while he was in his therapy session.  When he heard the cellphone tone that he had a text message, he saw that the text was from Sandy that made him turn pale.  He showed his therapist the text message, which read, "I know about Becky.  We need to talk when you come home tonight."

Sam was very shaken up by the text from his wife.  It was as if the bubble had burst for him, "I can't believe she found out. I never wanted to hurt her.  It's like I was living in an alternate universe for a while and now my two worlds have collided."

For the first time since Sam began the affair with Becky, he could no longer compartmentalize his behavior and he expressed remorse in his therapy session for cheating on his wife.  Suddenly, he realized that he had made a terrible mistake and he didn't really want to lose his wife, "I've been so selfish.  I don't want to throw away a 30 year marriage."

When Sam came in for his next therapy session, he told his therapist that his wife found a hotel key that he forgot in his pants pocket.  This led to Sandy looking through his email and she put everything together.  They had a long talk, and Sandy told him that she wouldn't stay if he continued to see Becky.  She was deeply hurt and told him that she would only consider staying in the marriage if he agreed to go to couples therapy, which he readily agreed to do.  He also called Becky in front of Sandy and told her that they couldn't see each other any more.

During the next few months, Sam did a lot of soul searching in his individual therapy and attended couples therapy to repair the damage to his marriage and rebuild trust.  Until he was faced with the loss of Sandy, he didn't realize how much she continued to mean to him, "She's right when she says that I take her for granted.  I still love her and I don't know what I would do without her" (see my article: Rebuilding Trust After an Affair).

This led to Sam exploring more deeply in his individual therapy what was meaningful to him, and he realized that nothing was more meaningful to him than his marriage and his children, "I don't know how I lost sight of that."

He said that Becky tried to reach him a few times, but he didn't take her calls.  Eventually, he blocked her number.  He felt remorse for hurting both Sandy and Becky.  He explained that when he was thinking of leaving his wife for Becky, he really fantasized that he might do it--until he was faced with the actual demise of his marriage.

Several months later, Sam decided to retire and spend more time with his wife, who had already retired.  They talked about rekindling their relationship, and they planned to travel for several weeks. They were still attending couples therapy and trying to rebuild trust.

In his individual therapy, Sam talked about how, in the past, he felt that "something was missing in my life" and "Now I know I'm what was missing in my life."  He realized that he wasn't going to revive his life by going back to old memories or a former relationship.  He also realized that, without even knowing it, he had become emotionally disengaged from his life in the last several years, and he needed to reengage, especially in his marriage, "Maybe I needed to go through this crisis to realize that."

Conclusion

It's not unusual for memories of a first love to have a profound affect on subsequent relationships.  As I mentioned in my prior article, these memories, which can even affect an otherwise good current relationship, can act as a shadow on the current relationship.  It's as if the ghost of that former relationship hangs over the current relationship.

Given the powerful nature of these memories and access to social media, more people are reconnecting with former lovers, with old and new fantasies of what was and what could still be between them.

Sometimes, the reconnection can lead to a meaningful relationship after many years of separation.  This is more likely to occur if the two people don't expect to recreate exactly what they had in the past.

For other people, as in the fictional vignette above, this often leads to an extramarital affair as a way to try to recapture a sense of self from the past.  If one or both people defensively compartmentalize the affair as a separate part of each of their lives, the affair can go on for a long time without remorse.  The compartmentalization wards off guilt.

But if the affair comes to light, it can have disastrous effects for current relationships.  This often takes people out of their compartmentalized fantasies to deal with the crisis.  Where it goes from there depends on the people involved.  Sometimes, this will mean the end of one or both relationships.  Other times, the crisis can bring positive change (see my article: How a Crisis Can Open You to Positive Change).  Either way, there will be a lot to work through for everyone involved.

Getting Help in Therapy
Powerful memories of a first love can come back with an unexpected force which upends your life and your current relationship.

If you're open to it, psychotherapy can help you to explore the effect of these memories and your decision-making process before you take steps based on memories (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Although a psychotherapist can't tell you what to do, a skilled therapist can help you to understand what is going on in your inner world if you're willing to explore these issues (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

If you feel stuck and confused about a problem in your life, you owe it to yourself to get help in psychotherapy.  Being able to work through an unresolved problem can free you up so you can lead a more meaningful and fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many clients to work through unresolved problems.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Feeling Alive Again After a Period of Stagnation

In Elizabeth Strout's book, Olive Kitteridge, one of the characters named Harmon has a realization that he is feeling alive again after a long period of emotional stagnation (see my article: Recapturing a Sense of Aliveness).

Feeling Alive Again After a Period of Time

His realization happens one day when an older customer, Bessie, comes into his store and she tells him how lonely she feels.  The author describes Harmon's awakening experience as "some skin that had stood between himself and the world seemed to have been ripped away, and everything was close, and frightening."

It seems that Harmon's empathy for Bessie's loneliness touched him deeply.  After he overcomes his anxiety, he realized that he needed to make certain major life decisions (I don't want to give away the specifics because the book is worthy reading without having any spoilers from me).

As a psychotherapist, I have seen this type of awakening many times, and Elizabeth Stout gives a sensitive, insightful and realistic portrayal of how people often come to this realization.

Feeling Alive Again After a Period of Stagnation

Similar to Harmon's experience, people often realize retrospectively that they're feeling alive again.  This realization can come from simple experiences, like being able to listen to music again after a period of not being able to tolerate hearing certain music or feeling like dancing again or the experience of falling in love again.

Feeling Alive Again After a Period of Stagnation

The renewed feeling of aliveness, however it happens, is a reminder of what aliveness feels like.  For people who haven't had this sense of aliveness before, it's a new experience of how vibrant life can feel.

In retrospect, people who recapture a sense of aliveness often say that they remember feeling alive before a period of stagnation set in.

Often hard to describe, a feeling of aliveness is usually an integrated mind-body experience that can also feel transcendent.

Getting Help in Therapy
People often come to therapy because they feel that, somewhere along the way, they lost their zest for life and they want to capture a sense of aliveness again (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Somatic Experiencing can help people to feel alive again (see my article:Why Experiential Psychotherapy is Often More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy).

Rather than struggling on your own, you could get help from a psychotherapist who is an experiential therapist and who uses Somatic Experiencing (see my articles: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Feeling alive again makes life much more meaningful and fulfilling.

About Me
I am a New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many clients to recapture a sense of aliveness.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Gaslighting and Infidelity

In previous articles, I've discussed various aspects of infidelity.

See my articles: 

Infidelity: Married, Bored and Cheating Online

Infidelity on Social Media Sites

Infidelity - Your Spouse Cheated on You: Should You Stay or Should You Go?

Getting Involved in a Love Triangle to Avoid Dealing With Problems in Your Relationship 

Broken Promises: Surviving Infidelity

I'm focusing on a particular aspect that often occurs when there is infidelity, which is gaslighting, in this article.

Relationships: Gaslighting and Infidelity

In her book, The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity, Esther Perel, discusses, among other things, the psychological concept of gaslighting and how people who are cheating on their partners use this form of psychological abuse to hide affairs (see my article: Are You Being Gaslighted in Your Relationship?).

What Is Gaslighting?
Before going any further, let's start with a definition of gaslighting.

As I mentioned in my prior article, the term stems from a 1944 film called Gaslight with Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman.  In the movie, Boyer's character tries to manipulate his wife (Bergman) into thinking that she is losing her mind by secretly making the gaslights in their home flicker on and off. Since the wife trusts him and she doesn't know that her husband is manipulating her, she begins to doubt her perception of things, which is what he wants.

A contemporary situation involving gaslighting and infidelity involves a partner manipulating the other partner by lying about an affair.  The partner, who is having the affair, might be so convincing that the partner being cheated on doubts his or her own perception--even when there's clear evidence of the infidelity.

It might seem incredible that someone would doubt his or her own perception, especially when there's evidence of cheating.  But it's important to understand that the person cheating is often very convincing and the person being cheated on is often in denial about what's going on.

Being in denial is understandable when you consider that to acknowledge an affair could not only ruin the relationship and life as the two people in it have known it.  It also raises many questions:  Who is this person you're in a relationship with that you thought you knew?  What's real?  Is the whole relationship false?  Can the relationship survive?  Do you want to try to salvage the relationship? (see my article: Betrayal: Coping With the Sudden Realization That You Don't Know Your Spouse).

A Fictional Clinical Vignette:  Gaslighting and Infidelity:
Ann
Ann began therapy shortly after she found out that her romantic partner of 10 years, Rob, had been cheating on her for their entire relationship.

Relationships: Gaslighting and Infidelity

She had her suspicions during the last year, especially after she received a call from Rob's former secretary, Jane, who told Ann that Rob and she had been having an affair for a year and he broke it off because Jane was demanding that he leave Ann to be with her.  Jane told Ann that, when she was his secretary, Jane was aware that Rob had many affairs, and she thought Ann should know.

Ann could hear that Jane was angry and hurt.   Ann realized that, even if there was any truth to Jane's story, Jane was getting back at Rob by calling Ann.

When Ann confronted Rob about the call from Jane, he got angry and indignant with Ann.  He told her that he just couldn't believe that Ann would even think that he would do such a thing.  He said Jane was making up this story because he rejected her when she came on to him.  Then, he told Ann he thought she was incredibly gullible for even entertaining such an idea.

Ann felt terrible and apologized to Rob.  She told him that she was sorry that she ever doubted him.  But after he left her apartment, he ignored her calls and texts for a few days until he was ready to accept her apology.

A few weeks later, Ann received an email from Jane.  At first, Ann was going to delete the email without even opening it.  But she was curious, so she opened it.

Ann was shocked that Jane's email contained pictures of her and Rob together having sex.  Jane gave dates, times and names of hotels when she was with Rob.  Ann realized that Rob told her he was away on business trips on those dates.  But according to the information that Jane sent, Rob was in town with Jane.

When Rob came over that night, Ann showed him the email from Jane and Rob blew up.  He told her that Jane was obviously a very disturbed woman, he wasn't the man in the picture, and Jane obviously Photoshopped the pictures to make it seem like it was him, but it wasn't him.

Before he stormed out of Ann's apartment, Rob told her that he needed time to think.  He said he was very hurt and he wasn't sure if he wanted to remain in a relationship with a woman who insinuated that he was a cheater and a liar.

Afterwards, Ann was confused.  Even though she loved Rob and she wanted to be with him, she wanted to know the truth, so she contacted Jane and met her for lunch the next day.

After their lunch together, Ann's head was reeling.  Jane showed Ann more texts with sexual messages from Rob.  She also told Ann that she heard from other women, who were also having affairs with Rob, and she showed Ann those emails as well.

Ann felt so betrayed.  She wondered if Rob ever loved her and if anything about their relationship was real.  She also felt like a fool for ignoring the obvious signs that he was cheating.

Feeling lonely and confused, Ann called her best friend, Liz and told her what happened.  Liz came over and comforted Ann as best as she could.  When Liz asked Ann what she was going to do, Ann said she wasn't sure.  She didn't know if she wanted to break up with Rob or tell him that she wanted to go to couples counseling to try to salvage their relationship.

Ann could tell that Liz thought she should break up with Rob, but Liz was hesitant about giving advice.  At that point, Ann was so shocked, she couldn't think straight.

When Rob called Ann a few days later, she asked him to come over so they could talk.  Before Rob arrived, Ann hoped that when she confronted him with what she knew from Jane that Rob would admit that he cheated with Jane and other women and they could agree to go to couples counseling.

But when she confronted him with the new information that she now had, Rob blew up again and went into a rant--calling her names and berating her for believing "such nonsense."

At that point, since Rob couldn't acknowledge the affair--much less express his remorse--Ann was devastated.  She knew that their relationship was over.  When she told Rob that she couldn't trust him, so their relationship was over, he continued to act angry and indignant.  Ann was amazed at how he was still trying to manipulate her and how he had manipulated her all along.

Now, sitting in front of her new psychotherapist, aside from feeling angry, Ann felt ashamed that she allowed Rob to fool her.  Her psychotherapist explained gaslighting to Ann and told her that she was having a common response.

Over time, Ann worked in therapy to overcome the traumatic experience of feeling betrayed by Rob.  Her current trauma was exacerbated by her family history, which included her father cheating on her mother.

Aside from working on the current trauma and the history of family trauma, Ann and her psychotherapist also worked on Ann overcoming her shame and building back her self esteem.

Conclusion
Gaslighting is often part of infidelity.  The person who is cheating manipulates in order to keep the affair a secret.

Many relationships cannot withstand the combination of infidelity and gaslighting, especially if the person who is cheating doesn't ultimately admit cheating and doesn't feel genuine remorse for the pain that s/he caused the other partner.

However, many relationships survive infidelity and gaslighting when the person who was cheating stops having the affair(s) and the couple work towards strengthening their relationship and rebuilding trust, if possible, in couples counseling.

One of the common misconceptions about infidelity is that it only occurs in relationships where the person who is cheating is unhappy.  Contrary to this common misconception, many people go outside their relationship even when they still love their partner and are basically happy in the relationship.

The reasons for the infidelity are numerous and vary with each relationship.  While no reason can justify infidelity, an understanding of why it occurred can be helpful to each person whether they decide to stay together or not.

Often, it has more to do with how the person who is cheating feels about him or herself or how s/he wants to feel (see my article: The Connection Between Infidelity and the Need to Feel Desirable).

Getting Help in Therapy
If you are struggling in your relationship, you owe it to yourself to get help (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to work through the complicated emotions that are usually experienced after infidelity and gaslighting have been discovered (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Should You Reveal to Your Spouse That You Cheated in the Past?

Trying to decide whether or not to reveal a past affair to your spouse or significant other can be one of the most challenging decisions that you can make in your life, and no one can tell you what to do (see my articles about infidelity: Infidelity: Cheating on Your Husband Even Though You're "Not the Type", Relationships: Coping With Secrets and Lies in Your Relationship, When Trust Breaks Down in a Relationship and The Connection Between Infidelity and the Need to Feel Desirable).

Should You Reveal to Your Spouse That You Cheated in the Past?

Before you confess to your spouse or significant other that you had an affair in the past, there are some important things to ask yourself:

Consider the Following Questions

• What Are You Hoping to Accomplish By Revealing a Past Affair? Assuming that the affair is truly over and you and the other person aren't just on a hiatus, what are you hoping for by telling your spouse or significant about the affair?  

• Have You Forgiven Yourself For the Affair? Sometimes people reveal past affairs because they've been unable to forgive themselves and they're hoping that if their significant other  forgives them, they'll feel better about themselves.  The risk, of course, is that their significant other won't forgive them and that, worst case scenario, the relationship will end.  

• Have You Considered How Your Significant Other Will Feel After You Reveal the Affair?  You might feel better after you confess that you were having an affair.  The pressure of keeping that secret will no longer be part of you.  But, even though you think of the affair as over and in the past, your significant other will be learning about the affair for the first time, and it will probably feel like it's happening now on an emotional level for him or her because the emotions will be so strong and immediate.  Your significant other might also question his or her understanding of the entire relationship, especially if s/he never had any idea that you were cheating or that you were even capable of cheating.

• Do You Understand Why You Cheated? Have you done the necessary internal work to understand why you cheated in the first place?  Did alcohol or drugs contribute to the problem?  It's important for you to know why you started cheating and, if you reveal a history of infidelity, your significant other will also probably want some answers.  Do the same problems exist for you or your relationship now as they did when you cheated?  If so, what are you or you and your significant other doing to work on those issues? 

• How Did the Extramarital Affair End? Assuming that the affair is really in the past, did you end it, did the other person end it or was it a mutual decision?  Why the other relationship ended is as important to understand as why you began the affair in the first place.  It's a necessary part of what you need to understand about yourself.

• Are You Being Honest With Yourself About the Affair Being Over? Some people decide to confess an affair because they're afraid they'll start up with the "other man" or "other woman" again.  They fear that they won't be able to control themselves so they want their significant other to know about the affair so that the confession will be an impediment to resuming the old affair or starting a new affair.  This is more common that people think, and it's not a solution to the problem.  Even if your significant other forgives you and is willing to act as your "conscience" by monitoring your whereabouts and actions, this would be very unhealthy, codependent behavior.  It would be highly stressful for both of you, and it wouldn't solve your problems to have your spouse act as a "parent" to you.  You need to dig deeper within yourself to get to the root of your problem. That gets back to the question: Do You Know Why You Cheated?

• Are You Trying to Sabotage Your Relationship? Sometimes, when people confess to a past affair, on an unconscious level, they're trying to sabotage their relationship.  The relationship might feel "dead" to the person who cheated and, on an unconscious level, s/he might want out, but don't have the courage to end the relationship.  Instead, they want their significant other to end it.  They think that a confession about infidelity might be the way out for them if the significant other leaves.  This will take a lot of self exploration because it might not be apparent to you.

• Are You Ready to Deal With the End of Your Relationship? It's often hard to predict how a significant other will react to finding out about prior infidelity.  For some people, infidelity is unforgivable and they will end the relationship.  Other people will try to work on the relationship, even if they are very hurt and not sure if the relationship will survive.  So, some relationships end, some relationships muddle through, and some relationships become stronger after infidelity is revealed.

Getting Help in Therapy
As I mentioned before, no one can advise you what to do in terms of revealing or not revealing prior infidelity, but it's important for you to understand your motivation in revealing the affair and whether you're ready to deal with the consequences, whatever they might be (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

There can be compelling arguments on both sides as to whether to reveal the affair or not.  A skilled psychotherapist won't tell you what to do, but she can help you to deal with the questions I posed above and can facilitate your decision-making process (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Rather than struggling alone with this important issue, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional, who has experience helping clients with this issue.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I have helped many individual adults and couples to work through relationship issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What Would You Do if Your Spouse Had an Affair?

We often think we know exactly what we would do under certain pivotal circumstances in our lives.  For instance, we might have strong feelings about finding out that a spouse was having a year long secret affair. But in an article by Judy Wachs in yesterday's New York Times' Modern Love column, NY Times - November 25, 2012: Modern Love: After the Affair, Ms. Wachs illustrates how we can't always be so sure how we'd respond to infidelity.

Most People Have Strong Feelings About Infidelity
When it comes to infidelity, most people have strong feelings about whether they would stay or go upon finding out about a spouse's secret affair.  But is it really so black and white?

Ms. Wachs makes a compelling argument for a more nuanced approach with reflection and compassion.  She sees the "grey," as opposed to black-and-white thinking, and she surprises herself in the process.

Many individuals and couples have come to me about infidelity in their relationships.  There are no easy answers when there has been this type of breach in a relationship.  Each situation is unique.  Before you face this situation, you might think you know how you would respond.  But often, when actually faced with infidelity in a relationship, many people surprise themselves with their responses to the actual situation.

What Would You Do If Your Spouse Had an Affair?

Before actually being faced with infidelity in a relationship, many people feel sure that they would leave their spouses or partners.  But these same people, when faced with the news of a secret affair that their spouses were involved in, often take a wider view of the situation and whether they want to give up the relationship, especially if it has been a longstanding relationship, and they work on trying to rebuild trust again.

When It Comes to Infidelity, No One Can Tell You What's Right For Your Relationship
Of course, when it's your relationship, no one can tell you what's right for you and your spouse, and many individuals and couples who find themselves at an impasse, when faced with infidelity, seek out professional help from a licensed mental health professional with related experience.

It can be very helpful during this crisis in your relationship to help you through this difficult process.  Even if you decide to end the relationship, rather than ending it in a way that dishonors what might have been good about the relationship, you can do it by both being your best selves.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with adult individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Leading a Double Life as the Other Woman or Other Man in an Affair

In prior posts, I've discussed affairs from the point of view of the people in the primary relationship, where one of the people in the relationship was having an affair, and how psychotherapy and couples/marriage counseling could help in these situations. In this post, I'd like to focus on the person who is the "other woman" or "other man" in the affair, some of the possible emotional effects of leading a double life in an affair, and how individual psychotherapy can help in these situations.

Leading a Double Life as the Other Woman or Other Man

Most People Begin Psychotherapy When the Affair and Leading a Double Life Becomes Too Painful:
As a psychotherapist in NYC, over the years, I've worked with many individuals who were leading double lives, having affairs with people who were in primary relationships with someone else.

Being the "Other Man" in an Affair

Usually, clients who are the "other woman" or the "other man" begin psychotherapy with me when they've come to a point where they're either trying to decide whether or not to end the affair or being in the love triangle and leading a double life has become too painful for them to endure, but they feel "stuck."

The Emotional Effects of Being the "Other Woman" or "Other Man" and Leading a Double Life in an Affair:
Being involved in a love triangle, from the perspective of the "other woman" or the "other man," can be very lonely. Often, the person who is in this situation feels too ashamed to talk to friends or family members about it because he or she fears their judgment or condemnation. So, very often, the affair is kept a secret and this person endures the emotional pain, including self condemnation, by him or herself. This is a difficult and lonely place to be.

Whereas the beginning of the affair might have started out as being mostly sexual and fun, if romantic feelings develop and you begin to feel attached to someone who is in a primary relationship with someone else, the feelings often turn to ones of hurt, longing, fear, anger, resentment and shame.

Expectations Change:
At the beginning of the affair, from the point of view of the "other woman" or "other man," there might not have been any expectations, but once a more serious attachment forms, this often changes. The longing and loneliness for the other person, especially on certain days, like weekends, holidays and birthdays, when the person in the primary relationship is not around, can be intense. It can feel overwhelming to deal with this by yourself.

The following vignette is a composite of various clients who were involved in affairs with someone who was in a primary relationship with someone else. All identifying information has been changed to protect confidentiality:

Mary
When Mary came to see me for individual psychotherapy, she had been involved in an affair with her graduate school professor, Dan, for almost two years. She was leading a double life, and she was feeling very lonely, sad, ashamed, angry with herself, angry with him, and resentful.

She knew he was married when she first got involved with him but, at the time, she felt swept away by his good looks, charismatic personality, intelligence, and all the attention that he was giving her. He made her feel "special." She had no prior history of getting involved in affairs, and she felt confused about the situation, confused about herself, and confused about Dan.

The affair began while she was helping Dan with a research project and they were spending many hours alone together after class. At first, Mary was satisfied just to spend time with him working on the research project, often going back to her place for hours of passionate sex, and allowing him to go back to his wife and children in the evenings. During that stage of the affair, she felt special, beautiful and sexy, and she was flattered by his attention.

But, as time went by, they both developed strong romantic feelings for each other, and then things changed. Mary began to resent that he left her for his wife after they made love. She wanted him to stay, but he didn't want his wife to suspect that he was having an affair, and he definitely didn't want to leave his wife and children.

At that point, what was once a fun affair for Mary turned lonely and sad. She began to resent being "the other woman" in his life and she wanted him to leave his wife to be with her. But time after time when Mary demanded more of his time and attention, although he said he loved her very much, he told Mary that he had no intention of leaving his wife.

Mary couldn't understand why, if he loved her (and she felt sure that he did), he wouldn't leave his wife to be with her. Before she began psychotherapy, she had a big "blind spot" about the fact that this man also really loved his wife and the life that he had with her, even though he was cheating on her.

Prior to therapy, Mary ruminated about this constantly and couldn't come up with any answers for herself, and Dan seemed just as confused. At that point, she was leading this secret double life, and she had no one to talk to about it because she felt too ashamed about it. So she continued to live a double life, kept the secret of the affair and her feelings about it to herself, which made it even more emotionally painful.

At the point when Mary began psychotherapy, she was considering giving Dan an ultimatum: "Either leave your wife and be with me or let's end this affair." But she had a lot of mixed feelings about this, and she couldn't make up her mind about it.

On the one hand, she felt she couldn't endure the feelings of sadness, loneliness, anger, fear and shame any more. It was beginning to feel too overwhelming for her, and it was taking up a lot of her time and emotional energy. Leading this double life, she was starting to isolate from friends and family because of the affair and her feelings about being involved in a love triangle. And it was also hard for her to concentrate on her studies.

Worst of all, Mary was feeling very bad about herself. She was plagued by self doubt, anger and humiliation. And, whereas initially, she felt special, attractive and sexy when she was with Dan, now she felt that she wasn't "good enough" because he wouldn't leave his wife.

This also triggered many old emotional wounds of not feeling "good enough" with her parents when she was a child. Her constant thought was, "If I were good enough, Dan would leave his wife for me, but I'm not. There must be something wrong with me. "

On the other hand, Mary felt that life without Dan at all would be unbearable. She thought, "Maybe I should just try harder to enjoy the time we have together and make him see that he really loves me more." But, at this stage, their times together were not so enjoyable. Mary and Dan were spending a lot of time arguing and crying together. He told her that he didn't want to hurt, he didn't want to hurt his wife, and he didn't want to lose either one of them--he wanted them both. He also didn't know what to do.

Initially, our work focused on helping Mary to develop better coping skills and to increase her support network. Her sleep and appetite were poor and she often felt angry, sad and irritable. As therapy progressed, she began to spend more time engaging in self care, taking yoga classes, learning to meditate, and going to the gym. Her sleep and appetite improved. Also, she began talking to her friends about what was going on.

Although, at first, she feared that her friends might judge her harshly, when we talked about it in our psychotherapy sessions together and she thought about it more realistically, she realized that her friends cared about her a lot and wouldn't judge her. And this turned out to be true.

Her friends were surprised, but they were compassionate and empathetic towards Mary. They told Mary that they wished she had come to them before.  They also helped Mary to remember "who she was" before Mary felt sad and ashamed about the affair. Mary's friends saw what I also saw: An intelligent, vibrant, outgoing, attractive woman who had a lot going for her.

Talking about the affair in our psychotherapy sessions, letting her friends know about the affair and getting so much emotional support took some of the pressure off of Mary. She still felt all of her difficult feelings, but she wasn't alone with these feelings any more, and she didn't feel she was leading such a double life any more.

After several psychotherapy sessions, Mary decided that the pain of being the "other woman" was more than she could stand and worse than being without Dan.

She began to understand that it's possible for someone (like Dan) to love two people at the same time, and this was probably what Dan was feeling. Increasingly, she also allowed herself to feel what it might be like to be Dan's wife under these circumstances. She wondered, even if he left his wife and married her, if he would be unfaithful to her as well. Whereas before she would push down any feelings of compassion for Dan's wife, she now felt more than just guilty--she felt remorse. She felt that the situation was unfair to everyone involved, including Dan's wife and his children.

Mary was also at a point where she was feeling better able to cope with the loss of the relationship with Dan. She knew it would be very painful, but she also knew that she had the support of our psychotherapy sessions as well as the love and support of her best friend. So, when they saw each other again, instead of slipping into their usual routine of going back to her apartment to make love, she told Dan that, as much as she loved him and she knew that he loved her, she thought it was best for them to end their affair. They both cried about ending their relationship, but Dan agreed that it would be for the best.

Even though she felt resolved to end their relationship, Mary was surprised that, when she did it, there was still a part of her that hoped Dan would tell her that he loved her too much to leave her. But he didn't. He said he also felt that it was too hard for him to go on hurting Mary and too hard to continue to cheat on his wife and risk hurting her. So, since the research project was over and Mary was about to graduate, they decided to end all contact.

The following weeks and months were difficult. Mary was tempted to call Dan many times and tell him that she missed him and wanted to see him, but she didn't. She continued to come to her psychotherapy sessions with me, talk to her best friend and, even though many times she didn't feel like, she began seeing old friends again and making new ones. The thought of never seeing Dan again was very hard for her so, through our work together, she learned to take it "one day at a time." Thinking about not seeing Dan for a day was a lot easier than thinking about never seeing him again. It was a process.

But, as it turned out, Mary did see Dan again--but not in the way that she would have ever liked to see him: She was leaving the university one day when she saw Dan waving to a woman who was in a car with two small children. Dan didn't see Mary, but Mary watched from the sidelines, feeling sad and bitter, as Dan kissed and hugged his wife and greeted his children. Dan looked so happy. Before seeing Dan on that day, Mary knew that he loved his wife and children, but seeing it made Mary realize it on a much deeper level: This was Dan's life, and Mary would never be a part of it. It hit home in a way that it never had before.

Mary went home and cried but, afterwards, she felt that something had lifted. The last vestiges of any hope that she might have had that, somehow or some way, maybe she and Dan would get back together again in the future were gone. She was sad, but she also felt free. Mary and I continued to work on the emotional aftermath of the affair. Rather than condemning herself, she began to understand, on a deep emotional level, the dynamics involved and the feelings that had been triggered in this affair from her family history.

Several months later, Mary began dating another man, and she fell in love. She realized then that having someone who was available and who cared about her exclusively was so much more satisfying than leading a double life in an affair. A couple of years later, they got married. They shared a life together with friends and both of their families, and Mary was happy.

Not all affairs for the "other woman" or "other man" end this well. Some people are involved in love triangles, leading double lives, for years, and they find it too difficult to extricate themselves from these relationships. After years have gone by and they regret the time that they have lost and possible missed opportunities to be happy with other romantic partners who are actually available, they have many regrets and often wish they had chosen more emotionally fulfilling lives for themselves.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you find yourself involved in a love triangle where you are the "other woman" or "other man," leading a double life, you could benefit from seeking the help and support of psychotherapy with a licensed mental health professional.

Get Help in Therapy

Most psychotherapists won't give you advice about what to do--that's not their job. But a licensed mental health professional can help you to figure out what you want to do if you are in this type of untenable situation. You might feel that you can never leave your current situation and, at the same time, it feels too hard to stay. But many other people, who were faced with your situation, have been able to resolve their problems in psychotherapy with a qualified therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed psychotherapist in NYC who works with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.