Valentine's Day: 5 Tips For a Long and Happy Relationship

It's Valentine's Day. If you're in a relationship, it's a reminder to show your appreciation for your spouse or partner. 

5 Tips For a Long and Happy Relationship

When you're in a long term relationship, it's easy to take each other for granted and forget to show love and appreciation, so here are some tips:

1. Remember what brought you together when you first fell in love: 

In long-term relationships and marriages, it's easy to fall into the negative habit of nitpicking and fault finding.  While you can't always expect that you'll feel the same passion and head-over-heels in love feelings you felt when you first met, it helps to remember the positive things that brought you together and reinforce those things in your relationship.  For instance, if an interest in music brought you together, when was the last time the two of you went to a concert with your favorite artist?  Make plans to do the things you both enjoy doing to bring back some fun and passion into your relationship.

2. Make Your Relationship the Priority: 

It's important to maintain friendships and family relationships but, over all, making your relationship with your spouse the priority will go a long way to setting the stage for a healthy, happy marriage.  Don't take your spouse for granted.  If friends and relatives are making constant demands of your time and this consistently takes away from your time with your spouse, you would be wise to rethink your priorities.  Don't take the path of least resistance just because your spouse is always "understanding."  Even if you have the most understanding spouse, when you consistently put others first, over time, you're eroding the quality of your relationship with your spouse.

3. Create Special Times with Your Spouse: 

Every so often, it helps to create a special time with your spouse.  Whether this means, you stay at home, unplug the phones and your gadgets, and have a romantic champagne brunch together or you have a romantic evening where you play with new sex toys, make an effort to create special times together. Nothing kills a marriage more than boredom, day after day, week after week, doing the same old things. Special times together help to rekindle your love for each other.

4. Choose Your Battles: 

Nitpicking and nagging is a real turn off in any relationship.  Sometimes,  you have to ask yourself whether it's worth getting into an argument over something that, if you thought about it for a few minutes, is really a petty issue.  Sometimes, it's necessary to have a larger perspective of the relationship and over look the "small stuff."

5. Show Respect For Each Other at all Times, Even When You're Arguing: 

Contempt is one of the biggest relationship killers.  If you're the type to say disrespectful and contemptuous things to your spouse when you're arguing, you need to learn a different way of communicating because you're endangering your relationship.  Once the contemptuous words leave your mouth, it's hard to take them back.  Respectful communication between spouses is key to any long-term happy marriage.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you and you partner have unresolved problems, you could benefit from couples therapy (see my article: How Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples Can Improve Your Relationship).

Rather than allowing things to continue to slide downhill, take steps to have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

How to Stop Cheating and Repair Your Relationship

In my previous article, What Are the Telltale Signs of Serial Cheaters?, I focused on the signs that identify people who cheat over and over again.  The prior article was intended mostly for people who are in a relationship with someone who has a pattern of cheating.

The current article is intended for people who are cheating on their partners and who want to stop (see my articles: Coping With Infidelity).

What is Cheating?

Cheating, which is also known as infidelity, is a form of betrayal.  

How to Stop Cheating and Repair Your Relationship

Cheating occurs when someone in a monogamous relationship has an emotional affair and/or a sexual affair with someone else without their partner's consent.

Unfortunately, cheating is common.  Research surveys have identified approximately 1 in 5 people who admit cheating--and those are only the people who admit to cheating, so that number might actually be much higher.

The definition of cheating is highly subjective.  Two people in a relationship might have completely different ideas about what cheating would be, and people often don't find out until one of them calls the other out for cheating.  

The list below includes activities that individuals in relationships in my private practice over the years have defined as cheating (Note: All of the items on the list aren't necessarily my definition of cheating). 

This list shows how subjective the definition of cheating is for many people:

• Watching pornography secretly without the other partner's knowledge
• Flirting with other people
• Maintaining a codependent relationship with an ex that interferes with the current relationship
  
• Having a separate close friendship without including the other partner
• Having an emotional affair
• Having secret sexual fantasies that aren't revealed to the other partner
• Sexting with other people without the other partner's knowledge or consent
• Refusing to allow a partner to see email, texts or phone messages due to secret affairs
• Having secret phone numbers or email accounts with the goal of having affairs
• Having secret social media accounts with the goal of having affairs
• Having secret bank accounts or credit cards for the purpose of affairs (also known as financial infidelity)
• Engaging in secret cyber affairs
• Having secret in person sexual affairs 

I'm sure you could probably come up with other forms of cheating, but these are the most common ones I hear about in my New York City private practice.

Why Do People in Relationships Cheat?

The reasons why people cheat vary from individual to individual, including: 

• anger towards the partner
• wanting revenge against the partner
• problems with compulsive sexual behavior
  
• dissatisfaction with the relationship
• fear of commitment 
• low self esteem
  
• abuse
• unresolved psychological trauma from the past
• narcissism
  
• selfishness
• unrealistic relationship expectations

I discussed some of the reasons why people cheat in prior articles, and there are many more reasons:       

Cheating as a Way to Avoid Problems in Your Relationship

Why Do People in Happy Relationships Cheat?

Living a Double Life: Infidelity

The Connection Between Infidelity and the Need to Feel Sexually Desirable

12 Telltale Signs a Man is a Womanizer

Understanding the Underlying Emotional Dynamics of Men Who Are Players

How to Stop Cheating on Your Partner

• Reassess Your Behavior and Your Long Term Goals: Cheating can occur without much thought. Often it's a matter of giving into an impulse or an attraction without much reflection on how it would affect your life. By reassessing your personal and relationship goals, you can think about how cheating will affect those goals.  For instance, if one of your goals is to be an honest person who has integrity, then cheating doesn't fit in with that goal.  Or, if you want to have children with your partner, bringing a child into an unstable relationship due to your infidelity doesn't fit in with that goal.  Stop and think about the impact cheating can have on who you want to be as an individual and what you want in your relationship and in your life.

Reassess Your Behavior and Your Goals: What About Integrity?

• Ask Yourself the following questions and consider your answers:
• How do you feel about your partner and your relationship?
• How do you feel about being in a monogamous relationship?
• If you're unhappy with monogamy, are you interested in a consensual nonmonogamy and is this something you can discuss with your partner?
• Are you so unhappy in your relationship that you want to end it. Although it can be difficult, it's better to be honest with your partner than to cheat.

• Identify the Reasons You Cheat: There is never a good reason for cheating, but there might be conscious and unconscious factors that contribute to your infidelity, including:

• You're avoiding problems in your relationship.
• You're unhappy in your relationship and you're hoping your affair will end it so you don't have to be proactive about breaking up.
• You want to punish your partner.
• You like the excitement you feel and how you feel about yourself when you have an affair with new people.
• You have problems with impulse control so that you get involved with people outside your relationship without much or any thought beforehand.

• End An Affair: Whether it's an emotional, romantic or sexual affair, take steps to end the affair in a way where you make amends and have closure with your partner(s).  
• Don't ghost them or cut them off.  
• Talk to them about what you appreciated about them and tell them you want to focus on your relationship now.
• Make amends if you were stringing them along with the promise of developing an exclusive relationship with them.  
• After there is closure, which shouldn't be dragged out, end contact.  If you maintain contact, you're likely to go back to them.

• Stop Any Other Behavior That Leads to Cheating: Whether it's flirting, sexting or any other behavior you have identified as leading to infidelity, stop engaging in that behavior.  

• If You Have Decided to Remain With Your Partner (assuming your partner wants to remain with you): 
• Take steps to repair the hurt and pain you caused to your partner by asking your partner what they need from you to heal.  This might involve a period of time when your partner needs to be on their own (without you) to think about what they want to do.  Respect that.  
• Make a commitment to be transparent with your partner, which includes allowing your partner to have full access to your phone, computer and other technology.
• Know that it will take a long time, if ever, to fully regain your partner's trust.
• Get into individual therapy to help you during this challenging time and also to understand and overcome underlying reasons for your infidelity. This can help you to make lasting changes so you don't cheat again. 
• Get into couples therapy with your partner to work on repairing the relationship.

• If You Have Decided to Leave Your Partner: If you realize that part of the reason for your infidelity was that you weren't admitting to yourself or your partner that you're unhappy with the relationship and you want to leave:

• Communicate empathetically with your partner face-to-face (no email, no texts or voicemail).
• Take responsibility for your part in the deterioration of the relationship.
• Be emotionally attuned to your partner and be willing to listen to their expressions of hurt and pain (this is part of your taking responsibility).
• Consider couples therapy to end the relationship amicably, especially if you have children.

Get Help From a Licensed Mental Health Professional: 

As mentioned above, there are often conscious and unconscious reasons why people cheat. 

If you've been unable to stop cheating or you stopped and you don't want to backslide, get professional help.

Get Help in Therapy

You could benefit from working in individual therapy with a skilled psychotherapist who has experience in helping people who want to stop cheating.

You and your partner can also benefit from attending couples therapy to repair your relationship and rebuild trust or to end the relationship amicably.

Instead of remaining stuck, get help so you can live a more meaningful life with a sense of integrity.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many clients to overcome problems with cheating.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Maintain a Happy Relationship

Developing and maintaining a happy relationship is more challenging these days than ever.  Whereas in former times people had the emotional support of an extended family, people in relationships now tend to rely much more on each other, which often places a strain on the relationship (see my articles: Nurturing Your Relationship and Creating a Safe Haven For Each Other.

Developing and Maintaining a Happy Relationship

While no relationship is without occasional problems, more relationships these days are failing because of the greater emotional burden placed on the relationship.  Also, people often enter into a relationship with unrealistic expectations of their partners and unaware of the work it takes to develop and maintain a happy relationship.

How to Develop and Maintain a Happy Relationship

• Make Your Relationship a Priority:  This might sound obvious and yet, without even realizing it, so many people in relationships allow distractions to get in the way of making the relationship a priority (see my articles: Relationships: The Importance of Unplugging From Your Phone and Computer to Spend Quality Time Together.

Developing a Happy Relationship: Spend Quality Time Together Without Distractions

• Be Loving and Kind to Each Other:  Many couples are loving and kind to each other at the beginning of the relationship but, as time goes on, they forget to do the things that endeared them to each other (see my articles:  Practicing Tolerance and Compassion in Your Relationship).

• Talk About What You Need Emotionally From Your Romantic Partner:  Talking about emotional needs is often difficult for people who are afraid to make themselves emotionally vulnerable, especially if one or both partners grew up in a family where people didn't talk about their feelings. Many couples don't know how to communicate their needs and come across as blaming or complaining, which makes the other partner shut down.  Other people seem to feel that their partner "should know" what they want without their communicating their needs (see my article:  Relationships: Are You Too Afraid to Talk to Your Spouse About What's Bothering and Are You Feeling Lonely in Your Relationship?).

• Respect One Another:  Respecting one another is often related to being able to talk about emotional needs.  For example, if, instead of focusing on what she needs emotionally from her husband, a woman blames her husband for not being more attentive, her husband might shut down and not hear her underlying message, which is: "I need you to show that you care about me."  That message gets lost because it's not getting communicated directly.  The husband will feel criticized and might stonewall.  This often leads to the wife becoming more strident, which leads to even further withdrawal by the husband.  Aside from the obvious forms of disrespect, like name calling, other less obvious forms of disrespect, like eye rolling, show contempt for the other partner and often lead to the demise of the relationship (see my articles:  Emotional Intimacy: The One Who Loves You the Most is Often the One Who Hurts You the Most, and Relationships: When Expressing Your Feelings Turns Into Verbal Abuse).

• Develop Realistic Expectations of Your Relationship:  You're partner can't be everything to you.  You need to have friends and other forms of emotional support in order not to put too heavy a burden on the relationship (see my article: Relationships: Your Spouse Can't Meet All Your Expectations).

• Let Go of the Small Stuff:  When you're in a relationship, you need to know what's most important to you.  Do you really want to argue about the socks that never made it from the floor to the hamper?  If you do, you'll be arguing a lot and this can erode a relationship quickly (see my article: Are You Overreacting to Small Disappointments? and Letting Go of Resentment).

• Find Ways to Grow Together:  Finding ways to grow together is important, especially in a long term relationship.  People change over time, and if one person is developing and growing and the other person isn't, the couple could grow apart.  When you share new interests, you're developing as individuals and as a couple (see my articles: Relationships: Are You in a Relationship Rut? and How to Integrate Change Into Your Relationship).

Developing and Maintaining a Happy Relationship:  Be Playful With One Another

• Be Playful With One Another:  Couples, who are playful and fun with each other at the beginning of the relationship, often forget to do the things that brought them together in the first place.  Having a sense of humor and finding other ways to be playful keeps the relationship fresh and alive (see my articles: Do You Remember What It's Like to Have Fun in Your Relationship? Try a Little Playfulness and Improving Sexual Intimacy in a Long Term Relationship).

Getting Help For Your Relationship in Couples Counseling
There are many couples who have lost their way in their relationship and they're unable to find their way back to the loving relationship that they once had.

A skilled psychotherapist, who works with couples, can help a couple to understand what went wrong and provide them with tools to get back on track (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy?).

If you've tried on your own to work out your relationship, but you keep coming up short, you could benefit from seeing a couples therapist who can help you to have the loving relationship that you once had.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist 

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Love Maps: How Well Do You Know Your Partner?

According to relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, who wrote The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work, a "Love Map" is a metaphor for that part of your brain where you store important information about your partner, including their preferences, opinions, likes and dislikes, fears, hopes and dreams, and major events in their life (see my articles: The 5 Stages of Love From Attraction to Commitment and Developing and Maintaining a Happy Relationship).

Love Maps: How Well Do You Know Your Partner?

Getting to know your partner and allowing your partner to get to know you, including your inner emotional world, is an ongoing process.  It means making a sustained effort throughout the course of your relationship to learn about your partner and allow your partner to get to know you on a deep emotional level.

Why Are Love Maps Important?

According to Dr. Gottman, people who remain up to date with what's going on with their partner, including their thoughts and feelings, are more resilient and they're in a better position to weather life's inevitable ups and downs, including conflict and stressful events.

The reason why developing love maps is an ongoing process is that people change over time.  If you're not paying attention to your partner's thoughts and feelings as well as the significant events in their life, you will probably drift apart (see my articles: Telltale Signs That You and Your Partner Are Drifting Apart and How to Get Closer If You and Your Partner Have Grown Apart).

For a variety of reasons, many couples lose touch with the details of their partner's life.  Understandably, this might be due to being overwhelmed by childrearing, stress at work or other everyday stressors.  For instance, many couples tell me that they barely have time to talk to each other because they're focused on their children.  

Another example is a situation where one or both spouses are expected to work long hours at home after the normal workday and respond to calls, email and texts late at night.  As a result, they end up being exhausted and have no time for each other.  If they don't make a conscious effort to make time for each other, they can become increasingly alienated from one another.

Under these circumstances, they might know general information about a particular area of their spouse's life, like an interest in a particular type of music, but they might not be up to date on their spouse's new favorite band, the name of a new friend or the details of a new hobby or interest.

Some people are also afraid to be emotionally vulnerable in relationships.  Emotional vulnerability feels threatening to them, so they don't like to share their inner emotional world.  

These are the couples who are likely to drift apart because emotional vulnerability is part of the glue that keeps relationships together and without it they might just coexist in the same household like roommates (see my article: Relationships: Fear of Being Emotionally Vulnerable and Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional Intimacy).

Over time, without shared emotional intimacy, there is often more distance in the relationship.  When there is less and less to share, the relationship suffers.  In the worst case scenario, alienation can increase until they feel like strangers to each other.

Fortunately, there are ways for couples to overcome the emotional distance that can so easily develop over time.  Developing a Love Map, as described in Dr. Gottman's book, is one way to do this (see my article: New Bonds of Love Can Replace a Negative Cycle in a Relationship).

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're struggling with unresolved problems, you're not alone.  Help is available.

Taking the first step to contact a licensed therapist might be the hardest, but it's also the first step to resolving your problems.  So, rather than struggling on your own, seek help.

A licensed mental health professional can help you to resolve your problems so you can live a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Sexual Wellness: Overcoming Sexual Boredom in Long Term Relationships

In my prior article, Sexual Wellness: What is Sexual Boredom in Long Term Relationships?, I began a discussion about a problem which is common in long term relationships.  My focus in this article is to continue with the clinical vignette presented in the previous article to show how couples therapy can be helpful.

Sexual Wellness: Overcoming Sexual Boredom in Long Term Relationships

Clinical Vignette: Sexual Boredom in a Long Term Relationship

Jane and John:

To recap from the prior article: John and Jane, who were in their 50s and in a 15 year marriage, sought help in couples therapy to overcome problems with sexual boredom in their marriage (see my article: Sexual Wellness: What is Performative Sex?).

By the time they started couples therapy, their sex life had dwindled to almost nothing and Jane rarely had an orgasm with John, although she experienced orgasms without a problem in her prior relationships (see my article: Women's Sexuality: Tips on Sexual Self Discovery).

At first, John was uncomfortable talking about their sex life (or about sex in general), but over time, he got comfortable and opened up (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

As part of the assessment, the couples therapist obtained information from each of them about their family of origin and sexual history, including their earliest sexual experiences.  

Jane's family had an open attitude with regard to talking about sex, which contrasted with John's more conservative background and his family's reticence to talk about sex.  Jane also had much more sexual experience than John, including experiences of having orgasms.  

In addition, Jane's desire to be more adventurous to spice up their sex life was also markedly different from John's reticence about using sex toys, watching porn, and so on.  However, they both agreed that they loved each other and they wanted to preserve their relationship.

Since John acknowledged that his libido had always been low, he couples therapist recommended that he see his medical doctor to rule out any physical problems.  The doctor informed John that his testosterone was low, so he prescribed medication for John, which increased his libido and how often he wanted to have sex with Jane.

During couples therapy, John and Jane learned that they had a particular dynamic in their relationship: Jane tended to be the pursuer and John tended to be the withdrawer.  Rather than blaming each other, their therapist encouraged them to focus on changing their dynamic (see my article: Relationships: How Pursuers and Withdrawers Can Improve Their Sex Life).

As a result, instead of Jane always being the one who sought sex in their relationship, John initiated more.  They also became curious about their limited sexual repertoire (see my article: Understanding Your Sex Script).

Each of them also learned more about their own and each other's sexual turn-ons and turn-offs (see my articles: Understanding Your Sexual Brakes and Accelerators - Part 1 and Part 2).

John became more attuned to Jane's sexual pleasure so that she experienced more fulfilling sex, including orgasms (see my articles: The Orgasm Gap Between Women and Men - Part 1 and Part 2).

Gradually, John learned to be more open and adventurous in terms of both physical and psychological and physical sexual stimulation Sex Tips For Men to Be Better Partners to Women and The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies).

As sex became more pleasurable for both of them, John and Jane each looked forward to having sex rather than approaching it with anxiety and foreboding as they had in the past.

Getting Help in Therapy

Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples, also known as EFT, has been proven to be an effective modality for relationship issues (see my article:  What is EFT Couples Therapy?).

If you're struggling with unresolved relationship issues, you could benefit from working with an EFT therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The 5 Stages of Love From Attraction to Commitment

Committed relationships usually go through five main stages from attraction to commitment.  Each stage has its own rewards and challenges (see my article: Is It Love or Infatuation?). 

The 5 Main Stages of Love From Attraction to Commitment

The 5 Main Stages of Love From Attraction to Commitment:

Many couples never make it passed Stage One or Two.  Other couples get stuck in one of the various stages prior to commitment for various reasons (to be discussed below). However, with commitment, patience and good communication, couples can make it to Stage 5 and beyond.

Here are the five main stages of love:

• Stage One: The Attraction Stage: Most couples in a dating relationship go through this stage. Typically, it lasts anywhere from a few months to two years.  This is the heady, fun time in a new relationship. It's the time in a relationship when you're head over heels about your partner. There's a lot of chemistry between you--so much so that you feel "high" from all those endorphins coursing through your body. During this stage, couples tend to focus on similarities and ignore differences and potential problems (some people don't just ignore these problems--they don't see them because they're so infatuated with their partner). It's also the time when you spend a lot of time fantasizing about their partner.  You also spend a lot of time together and tend to have a lot of sex.  Since you're focusing on similarities, you also tend to avoid conflict (see my article: 7 Signs Your Relationship is Based on Lust and Not Love).

• Stage Two: The Reality Stage: After the initial "getting to know you" stage where emotions, chemistry, and fantasies about your partner are prevalent, reality slowly begins to sink in. Rather than continuing to idealize your partner, you begin to see your partner and your relationship more realistically.  This is the stage where you see each other's flaws and the possible incompatibilities between the two of you.  The endorphins from Stage One tend to level off during this stage, and it can feel like a letdown. Whereas you ignored differences and potential problems during Stage One, now you see them and you might wonder how you missed them before. Many of the things you found endearing before might feel annoying now. This is often the stage when many relationships end for a variety of reasons, including: 

• There isn't enough substance to the relationship to keep it going.
• The couple discovers they're incompatible.
• One or both people want to continue to have heady romantic feelings so they seek out other partners to go through Stage One again, and so on (see my article: Falling In Love With the Fantasy and Not the Reality).
• And so on

• Stage Three: The Disappointment Stage: If you make it past Stage Two, you're likely to enter into the Disappointment Stage.  This is the stage where the two of you begin to argue. You might argue about big things or little things.  Before this, you and your partner probably managed to avoid arguing, especially during Stage One. If one or both of you are uncomfortable with arguing and see it as a negative thing, you might end the relationship. But arguing isn't inherently negative.  If you can communicate well with each other, it's possible that the two of you can work through your differences and the relationship could be stronger for it. 

• Stage Four: Stability Stage: If you can get through the disappointment of Stage Three, you can work towards having a more stable relationship. You might feel a little bored because you're no longer in that heady romantic stage, but having a more stable, mature, trusting relationship can be more gratifying and enhance your state of well-being. Not only have you accepted your own and your partner's flaws and differences and the inevitable arguments that occur from time to time, you now begin to see a long term future for your relationship. If you're unable to cope with the inevitable boredom that occurs at this stage, you might cheat in order to relieve your boredom and get "high" from a new attraction that's passionate (see my article: The Connection Between Infidelity and the Need to Feel Desirable).

The 5 Main Stages of Love From Attraction to Commitment

• Stage Five: The Commitment Stage: The two of you make a commitment to have a long-term relationship.  You both have a vision of your future together--whether this involves marriage or living together. If you make it to this stage, your relationship has reached a more mature, enduring phase. You can endure the occasional boredom because you know that what you have is a deeper kind of love as compared to the earlier stages.

• Beyond the Commitment Stage: If you choose to have children, you'll go through the Parenthood Stage with its own unique rewards and challenges. And if you continue to stay together, couples go through the Mature Love Stage where the children are living on their own independently, and you could be dealing with issues related to taking care of elderly parents.  

The Challenges of Navigating Through the Stages of Love

As previously mentioned, being aware of the Stages of Love can help you anticipate what you'll go through as a couple so you won't be surprised.

Many couples don't make it passed the first one or two stages.  Aside from the reasons mentioned above, some people lack the emotional maturity or they lack the desire for a committed relationship. 

For other couples, real and significant problems come up during the Reality Stage and they recognize that they're not really compatible or they want different things, so it makes sense to breakup.  But even couples who are willing to work towards a committed relationship can get stuck in one of the stages.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you and your partner are struggling in your relationship, you could benefit from working with an experienced psychotherapist who can help you work through your issues--whether you decide to stay together or not.

A skilled couples therapist can help you to understand your relationship dynamics so you can either work out your differences or to part amicably (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experience therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Making and Receiving Loving Gestures to Repair an Argument

In his book, The Seven Principles For Making a Marriage Work, relationship expert John Gottman discusses what works in successful relationships and what ruins relationships (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller?). Being able to make and receive loving reparative gestures is an important part of successful relationships (see my article: The Challenge of Preventing Small Arguments From Becoming Major Conflicts in Your Relationship).

Making and Receiving Loving Reparative Gestures in Your Relationship

As John Gottman describes it, when both people in a relationship can make and receive sincere and genuine gestures as a way to repair an argument, it can make all the difference in the relationship.

What I'm referring to in this article is common arguments that spouses often have.  I'm not referring to ongoing abusive behavior.

Also, Gottman emphasizes that when there is a dynamic of contempt between spouses, this is one of the most destructive aspects of a relationship and often ends in divorce.

Clinical Vignettes: Responding to Your Spouse's Loving Reparative Gestures
The following vignettes illustrate the difference between spouses who are able to give and receive reparative gestures and spouses who are unable to do it.  These fictional vignettes aren't about any one particular couple. Instead, they are common dynamics seen in many relationships.

Vignette 1: Tom and Betty
Tom and Betty were married for two years. When Tom came home from work, he often needed time to himself. Not only did he have a stressful job, but his long commute made him feel tense and irritable.  By the time Tom came home, he wanted 15 minutes to himself before he was ready to interact with his wife. But when he got home, he experienced Betty as nagging him about household things that weren't pressing. Although he told her many times that he needed time to himself, he felt that she ignored his need by bombarding him with demands the minute he walked through the door.  

One day, when Tom came home from a particularly difficult day at work, he snapped at Betty when she berated him for making demands of him about household chores rather than allowing him to have time to himself. After he snapped at Betty, he went into the bedroom to compose himself and let go of the tension of the day.  Then, when he felt calmer, he approached Betty in the living room to apologize.  He sat next to her and, as he apologized for his behavior, he touched her shoulder in a loving gesture as a way to repair things between them.  But Betty pulled away from him and said, "I don't like the way you spoke to me, and apologizing doesn't change anything." 

Over the course of the next few days, Tom approached Betty several times to try to repair things between them, but Betty refused to accept his apology. Instead, she responded to him with contempt. These interactions between them were emblematic of the dynamics in their relationship. Betty was unable to let go of her hurt and anger and she refused to take in Tom's loving gestures to make amends with her. She also turned down Tom's pleas to go to couples therapy. After another year of this, Tom decided that he didn't want to be in a marriage where arguments couldn't be repaired and he felt Betty's contempt. So, he told Betty that he no longer wanted to be in the marriage and, within six months, they were divorced.

Vignette 2: Alice and John
Alice and John were married for two years.  This was the second marriage for both of them. Sometimes they had common arguments about household chores. Alice tended to like the household to be neat and John had more of a tolerance for messiness. They each learned to make compromises in this area. But one day when Alice felt particularly frustrated to find dirty dishes in the sink again, she confronted John in a harsh way, "Why are you such a slob!?!" 

When she saw the hurt look on John's face, Alice knew she had gone too far, but she wasn't ready to apologize yet. She went for a walk to try to calm down, and she realized that her reaction was out of proportion to the situation and that she had displaced some of her anger about her workday onto John. When she returned from her walk, Alice felt a lot calmer.  She approached John, who was sitting on the couch reading a book.  As she sat next to him, she took his hand in hers, looked into his eyes and said, "I'm sorry I overreacted about the dishes. I shouldn't have called you a slob. I realized while I was out walking that I allowed my frustration about work to affect my response to you. I'm sorry."  

John smiled at Alice and put his arm around her, "Yeah, it made me feel bad, but I also knew that you didn't really mean it. I know that I can do a better job of cleaning up after myself and I'll try to do better from now on." After that, they each let go of their annoyance. They watched a movie together holding each other and later that night they made love. Similarly, John was able to apologize for things he said that he regretted, and Alice was able to accept John's apologies.  They were each able to let go of their anger to work things out in their relationship. Over time, their love for each other grew and they felt closer to one another.

Discussion About the Two Vignettes
In Vignette 1, Tom made attempts to make amends with Betty, but Betty was unwilling to let go of her anger to accept Tom's gestures for repair. Not only did Betty ignore Tom's need for a short period of time for himself when he came home from a stressful day, but there was never a way to make repairs, as far as Betty was concerned, because she took a hard stance against accepting apologies and reparative gestures. Betty's unwillingness to accept Tom's reparative gestures resulted in the demise of their relationship because the relationship deteriorated over time, and Tom was unwilling to remain with someone who showed contempt and could never forgive.

In Vignette 2, Alice and John would argue over common issues that couples often argue about, but they were both able to make and accept reparative gestures soon after the argument. They were able to move on from these arguments and let go of anger so that resentment didn't build up. This allowed their relationship to grow and deepen over time.

Conclusion
There are many people in relationships who are unable to make or take in repairs in their relationship. This is often the result of a childhood where mistakes weren't tolerated or where, as children, they didn't see their parents resolve their problems. Successful relationship skills weren't modeled for them.

The ability to make and receive reparative gestures in a relationship is crucial for the survival of a relationship. The alternative is a destructive dynamic that grows over time and often leads to the demise of the relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy
Being in a relationship often takes skills that people haven't developed.  Often these people haven't seen models of successful relationships when they were growing up.

Individual or couples therapy can help one or both people to develop the necessary relationship skills to salvage an otherwise good relationship (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?).

Rather than continuing in a negative cycle that might be ruining your relationship, you owe it to yourself to get help from an experienced therapist.

Learning successful relationship skills will help you to feel better about yourself and improve your relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and EFT For Couples therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Trauma Affects Intimate Relationships

Emotional trauma can affect intimate relationships in ways that might be confusing or difficult to understand for both the trauma survivor as well as the partner or spouse of the survivor.

See my articles: 

Overcoming Trauma With Experiential Therapy

Overcoming a History of Childhood Trauma That Impacts Adult Relationships

Before and After Psychological Trauma, How Past Psychological Trauma Lives on in the Present

Untreated Trauma is a Serious Issue With Negative Consequences

How Trauma Affects Intimate Relationships

How Trauma Affects Intimate Relationships

A person with a history of trauma can have one or more of the following symptoms:

• A lack of interest or a decrease in physical and/or emotional intimacy
• Emotional numbing and withdrawal
• Ambivalence about the relationship
• Difficulty trusting others, including loved ones
• Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Self doubt
• Compulsive behavior, including an eating disorder, substance dependency, compulsive gambling, sexual acting out, etc.
• A decrease of interest or avoidance of social situations
• An increase in arguments and problems finding resolutions to problems
• An inability to talk about problems
• Nightmares and/or problem sleep

Getting Help in Therapy or Couples Therapy

If you or your partner have been traumatized, it's important to understand that it's not about "being weak" or a matter of "snapping out of it."

These symptoms don't go away on their own.  They require help from a licensed mental health professional who specializes in trauma.

A trauma therapist can help the traumatized individual work through trauma, whether it's a one-time event or developmental trauma which occurred in childhood.

Without help, the traumatized individual can continue to spiral down, which might can lead to the demise of the relationship due to the trauma-related symptoms.

In addition, traumatized individuals often tend to unintentionally pass on their traumatic symptoms to their children.

There are effective forms of trauma therapy, including EMDR therapy and Somatic Experiencing which can help individuals to overcome trauma so they can lead more fulfilling lives as individuals and in their relationship.

    See my articles: 

What is EMDR Therapy?

Somatic Experiencing: Allow Yourself to Feel Your Sadness

Getting help in a timely manner can make the difference between saving or ending your relationship.  

About Me

I am a licensed NYC trauma psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Emotionally Focused therapist who works with individuals and couples (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

Dating: Why Do Some People Prefer to Text on Dating Apps Instead of Meeting in Person?

I've written several articles about dating and the early stages of being in a relationship (see my articles: Dating: Is It Time to Have "the Talk"?, Dating Again in Your 40s, 50s, 60s and Beyond, Are You and Your Boyfriend on the Same Wavelength About Your Relationship?

Dating: Why Do Some People Prefer to Text on Dating Apps Instead of Meeting in Person?

In this article, I'm focusing on one of the biggest complaints I hear about dating apps, which is that there are many people who would rather just text endlessly than meet in person.  They might come across as pleasant and personable in their text messages, but when the subject of meeting comes up, they end of ghosting whoever they've contacting via text.

Among the people who are averse to meeting in person, both men and women seem to do it, and this becomes frustrating for people who actually want to meet in person and eventually get into a relationship.

Why Do Some People Prefer to Text on Dating Apps Instead of Meeting in Person?
Let's take a look at some of the possibilities as to why there are certain people only want to text:

• They're Married or in a Committed Relationship: It will come as no surprise that many people are on dating apps, like Tinder or Bumble, are actually married or in a relationship, which they don't reveal.  They like to fantasize about meeting someone online, but they won't actually do anything about it because they want to remain in their relationship.  So, they will string potential dates along with endless texting and eventually ghost them.
• They Just Want the Attention:  Some people are flattered that they can get so many people to "like" them on a dating app, but they're not interested in actually meeting in person.  Texting endlessly is enough for them. This is another example of people who like to string others along.
• They're in an On-Again/Off-Again Relationship:  Similar to being married or in a committed relationship, the person who's in an on-again/off-again relationship uses the dating app when there are problems in the relationship knowing full well that they're going to be back in the relationship again.  It makes them feel good to know that there are other potential dates out there should their actually relationship end, but they have no intention of meeting in person for the time being.
• They Can't Tolerate More Than a "Texting Relationship:" On their profile, they say they want to be in a relationship but, in reality, being in a real relationship is more than they can tolerate emotionally, so they engage in endless texting because they like the attention and the feeling that they're connecting with someone that "likes" them enough to text back.
• They're Ambivalent About Actually Meeting Someone: As opposed to people who know from the outset that they have no intention of meeting anyone in person, the person who is ambivalent about dating can't make up his or her mind about whether they want to actually meet someone or not.  They give mixed messages in their texts or calls and, often, ultimately decide that they're not ready to meet and disappear.
• They're Afraid to Meet People in Person: Similar to the people who are ambivalent, the people who are fearful of meeting in person--even in a public place--feel comfortable texting, but meeting in person is too much for them to handle.  So, when the other person tries to get them to make a plan, they disappear.
• They're Scammers: Unfortunately, are a fair amount of scammers on dating apps.  They often steal other people's pictures (often models or actors) and set up a fake profile.  They will lavish a lot of attention on you with texts, but they always seem to have a "reason" why they can't meet in person.  Usually these people come on strong and like to say that the two of you are already in a relationship--even though you haven't even met yet. Some people fall prey to this manipulation because they're lonely and an online "relationship" is better than no relationship to them.  Eventually, if you continue to engage with these scammers, they will try to manipulate you into giving them money ("My mother needs a medical procedure, but we don't have the money.  Can you wire me the money and I'll pay you back?").  Unsuspecting people have been bilked out of thousands of dollars this way.  Even after these scams are reported to the dating app, the scammers are hard to track down.  They close out their accounts and set up another fake account.

How to Deal With People Who Only Want to Text on Dating Apps

• After a few texts and a phone call or two, if the person is unwilling to make a plan to meet in person, you might be dealing with someone who only wants to text.
• It might seem like they're paying a lot of attention to you if they're texting you 10 times a day and asking you about the minutea of your day ("Did you sleep well?" and "How is your day going?"), but they're actually wasting your time.
• If you can't get someone to make a plan to meet in person after a week or two, wish them well and move on.  There are plenty of people who actually want to meet and eventually get into a relationship without you wasting time on people who only want to text.
• Whatever you do, don't send money to people who pretend that they're in a relationship with you even though you've never met in person.
• If you do get into a situation where the other person texts you and eventually ghosts you, as frustrating and disheartening as this might be, don't take it personally.  After all, they don't know you, so it's not you that they're rejecting.  Whatever is going on with them is about them.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.