How to Stop Cheating and Repair Your Relationship

In my previous article, What Are the Telltale Signs of Serial Cheaters?, I focused on the signs that identify people who cheat over and over again.  The prior article was intended mostly for people who are in a relationship with someone who has a pattern of cheating.

The current article is intended for people who are cheating on their partners and who want to stop (see my articles: Coping With Infidelity).

What is Cheating?

Cheating, which is also known as infidelity, is a form of betrayal.  

How to Stop Cheating and Repair Your Relationship

Cheating occurs when someone in a monogamous relationship has an emotional affair and/or a sexual affair with someone else without their partner's consent.

Unfortunately, cheating is common.  Research surveys have identified approximately 1 in 5 people who admit cheating--and those are only the people who admit to cheating, so that number might actually be much higher.

The definition of cheating is highly subjective.  Two people in a relationship might have completely different ideas about what cheating would be, and people often don't find out until one of them calls the other out for cheating.  

The list below includes activities that individuals in relationships in my private practice over the years have defined as cheating (Note: All of the items on the list aren't necessarily my definition of cheating). 

This list shows how subjective the definition of cheating is for many people:

• Watching pornography secretly without the other partner's knowledge
• Flirting with other people
• Maintaining a codependent relationship with an ex that interferes with the current relationship
  
• Having a separate close friendship without including the other partner
• Having an emotional affair
• Having secret sexual fantasies that aren't revealed to the other partner
• Sexting with other people without the other partner's knowledge or consent
• Refusing to allow a partner to see email, texts or phone messages due to secret affairs
• Having secret phone numbers or email accounts with the goal of having affairs
• Having secret social media accounts with the goal of having affairs
• Having secret bank accounts or credit cards for the purpose of affairs (also known as financial infidelity)
• Engaging in secret cyber affairs
• Having secret in person sexual affairs 

I'm sure you could probably come up with other forms of cheating, but these are the most common ones I hear about in my New York City private practice.

Why Do People in Relationships Cheat?

The reasons why people cheat vary from individual to individual, including: 

• anger towards the partner
• wanting revenge against the partner
• problems with compulsive sexual behavior
  
• dissatisfaction with the relationship
• fear of commitment 
• low self esteem
  
• abuse
• unresolved psychological trauma from the past
• narcissism
  
• selfishness
• unrealistic relationship expectations

I discussed some of the reasons why people cheat in prior articles, and there are many more reasons:       

Cheating as a Way to Avoid Problems in Your Relationship

Why Do People in Happy Relationships Cheat?

Living a Double Life: Infidelity

The Connection Between Infidelity and the Need to Feel Sexually Desirable

12 Telltale Signs a Man is a Womanizer

Understanding the Underlying Emotional Dynamics of Men Who Are Players

How to Stop Cheating on Your Partner

• Reassess Your Behavior and Your Long Term Goals: Cheating can occur without much thought. Often it's a matter of giving into an impulse or an attraction without much reflection on how it would affect your life. By reassessing your personal and relationship goals, you can think about how cheating will affect those goals.  For instance, if one of your goals is to be an honest person who has integrity, then cheating doesn't fit in with that goal.  Or, if you want to have children with your partner, bringing a child into an unstable relationship due to your infidelity doesn't fit in with that goal.  Stop and think about the impact cheating can have on who you want to be as an individual and what you want in your relationship and in your life.

Reassess Your Behavior and Your Goals: What About Integrity?

• Ask Yourself the following questions and consider your answers:
• How do you feel about your partner and your relationship?
• How do you feel about being in a monogamous relationship?
• If you're unhappy with monogamy, are you interested in a consensual nonmonogamy and is this something you can discuss with your partner?
• Are you so unhappy in your relationship that you want to end it. Although it can be difficult, it's better to be honest with your partner than to cheat.

• Identify the Reasons You Cheat: There is never a good reason for cheating, but there might be conscious and unconscious factors that contribute to your infidelity, including:

• You're avoiding problems in your relationship.
• You're unhappy in your relationship and you're hoping your affair will end it so you don't have to be proactive about breaking up.
• You want to punish your partner.
• You like the excitement you feel and how you feel about yourself when you have an affair with new people.
• You have problems with impulse control so that you get involved with people outside your relationship without much or any thought beforehand.

• End An Affair: Whether it's an emotional, romantic or sexual affair, take steps to end the affair in a way where you make amends and have closure with your partner(s).  
• Don't ghost them or cut them off.  
• Talk to them about what you appreciated about them and tell them you want to focus on your relationship now.
• Make amends if you were stringing them along with the promise of developing an exclusive relationship with them.  
• After there is closure, which shouldn't be dragged out, end contact.  If you maintain contact, you're likely to go back to them.

• Stop Any Other Behavior That Leads to Cheating: Whether it's flirting, sexting or any other behavior you have identified as leading to infidelity, stop engaging in that behavior.  

• If You Have Decided to Remain With Your Partner (assuming your partner wants to remain with you): 
• Take steps to repair the hurt and pain you caused to your partner by asking your partner what they need from you to heal.  This might involve a period of time when your partner needs to be on their own (without you) to think about what they want to do.  Respect that.  
• Make a commitment to be transparent with your partner, which includes allowing your partner to have full access to your phone, computer and other technology.
• Know that it will take a long time, if ever, to fully regain your partner's trust.
• Get into individual therapy to help you during this challenging time and also to understand and overcome underlying reasons for your infidelity. This can help you to make lasting changes so you don't cheat again. 
• Get into couples therapy with your partner to work on repairing the relationship.

• If You Have Decided to Leave Your Partner: If you realize that part of the reason for your infidelity was that you weren't admitting to yourself or your partner that you're unhappy with the relationship and you want to leave:

• Communicate empathetically with your partner face-to-face (no email, no texts or voicemail).
• Take responsibility for your part in the deterioration of the relationship.
• Be emotionally attuned to your partner and be willing to listen to their expressions of hurt and pain (this is part of your taking responsibility).
• Consider couples therapy to end the relationship amicably, especially if you have children.

Get Help From a Licensed Mental Health Professional: 

As mentioned above, there are often conscious and unconscious reasons why people cheat. 

If you've been unable to stop cheating or you stopped and you don't want to backslide, get professional help.

Get Help in Therapy

You could benefit from working in individual therapy with a skilled psychotherapist who has experience in helping people who want to stop cheating.

You and your partner can also benefit from attending couples therapy to repair your relationship and rebuild trust or to end the relationship amicably.

Instead of remaining stuck, get help so you can live a more meaningful life with a sense of integrity.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many clients to overcome problems with cheating.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why Do People in Happy Relationships Cheat?

The common assumption is that people who cheat do it because they're unhappy in their relationship.  But according to an article by Dr. Justin J. Lehmiller, sex researcher and educator, as well as other relationship experts, many people who are happy in their relationship--including people are satisfied with the sex in their relationship--are committing infidelity (see my article: Coping With Infidelity).

Why Do People in Happy Relationships Cheat?

Why Do People in Happy Relationships Cheat?

On the surface, this doesn't seem to add up:  Why should people in a happy relationship cheat if they love their partner and they're satisfied with their sex life? 

Dr. Lehmiller's article discusses a research study by the Florida State University and Northwestern University which was published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology where 233 couples completed multiple surveys over a three and a half year period.  

According to Dr. Lehmiller, researchers were surprised to discover that the people who were happiest in their relationship were the ones who were most likely to cheat.  But why should this be?

Possible Theories as to Why People in a Happy Relationship Cheat (according to Dr. Lehmiller's article):

• People with the most positive attitudes towards sex are generally more interested in sex so they are most likely to cheat.  They place a high value on their sex life so that they have a strong need for sexual thrills, which is correlated with cheating.

• Researchers looked at whether or not there was a link between attractiveness and infidelity.  They found that, among women who were considered attractive, they were less likely to cheat.  But women who were considered less attractive were more likely to cheat.  For men, there seemed to be no correlation between their own attractiveness and cheating. But there was a link between how attractive they considered their partner.  Men were more likely to cheat if they considered their partner less attractive (see my article: Infidelity and the Need to Feel Desirable).

Other Theories as to Why People Cheat:

• Esther Perel, Ph.D., sex therapist and relationship expert, suggests that some people are going through a crisis of identity, which has nothing to do with their relationship.  Instead, it's related to their sense of self and a need for self discovery.  This is especially true during periods of transition, like a mid-life crisis (see: The State of Affairs by Dr. Perel).

• According to Dr. Perel, these people might want to see what it's like to break the rules for a change. In other words, transgression can be powerfully seductive (see my article: The Thrill of the Chase).

• Dr. Perel also indicates that people in committed relationships who cheat might also want to find out what it's like if they took a different path with a different partner.

• Dr. Perel also discovered in her work that many people want to feel a sense of aliveness and an affair makes them feel rejuvenated. 

• According to Dr. Arva Bensaheb (in Dr. Lehmiller's article) cheating is often a symptom of underlying anxiety for both men and women. Sex with other people temporarily relieves their anxiety, including an existential anxiety about death.  Under these circumstances, people in a happy relationship with a satisfying sex life would have problems remaining monogamous and would have multiple affairs as a maladaptive way to cope with anxiety.

Conclusion
People stray from their committed relationships for a variety of reasons.  Regardless of the reasons, the betrayal of infidelity can be devastating.  

In the midst of discovering the infidelity, the meaning of the infidelity can get lost due to grief and anger.  However, many couples salvage their relationship by working through these issues in individual and couples therapy.

Getting Help in Therapy

In the meantime, if you're tempted to stray, you can save yourself and your partner a lot of heartache by seeking help in therapy (see my article: Infidelity: How to Save Your Relationship After an Affair).

Working with a skilled therapist, you can discover the underlying reasons for your problem and make changes before you ruin your relationship.

If you're in a relationship where one or both of you have cheated, whether or not you decide to stay together,  you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples (see my article: After the Affair: Common Reactions to Infidelity).

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples) and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

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The Sexual Reawakening of an Older Woman With a Younger Man: Movie: Bright Days Ahead

In a prior article, Overcoming Lack of Intimacy: Movie: Hope Springs, I discussed the main characters' (Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones) long term sexless marriage and the wife's attempts to recharge their sexual life in the context of this issue being a common problem in many long term marriages.

Misconceptions and Stereotypes About Older Women

Looking at Misconceptions and Stereotypes About Older Women
I recently went to see the movie, Bright Days Ahead (Les Beaux Jours), a French movie starring Frances Ardant (Truffant's The Woman Next Door), Patrick Chesnais (The Diving Bell and the Butterfly), Laurent Lafitte, and directed by Marion Vernoux.

Bright Days Ahead is about a 60 year old woman, Caroline (Ardant), as she is coming to terms with the unexpected death of a close friend who was close to her age, and a long-term marriage that is loving and comfortable but without passion.

After the shock of her friend's sudden death, Caroline decides to retire from her dental practice to reassess her life.  Her well-meaning daughter gives her a gift in the form of a membership to a senior center, which is called Bright Days Ahead, to help Caroline fill her time.

Initially, Caroline is put off by the condescending instructors and the activities for seniors at Bright Days Ahead which have no meaning for her.  She feels above it and she is ready to dismiss the idea of attending the center.  But when she meets the computer instructor,  Julien  (Lafitte), who is a handsome, sexy man in his late 30s, she has second thoughts.

After Julien comes on to her, Caroline begins a May-December sexual affair with him as part of her  sexual and emotional reawakening.

I won't give away the rest of the plot.

Although Bright Days Ahead and Ardant's character are not without their flaws, it's rare to find a movie about an attractive, poised, confident woman in her early 60s, who rediscovers her sexual passion and who has no illusions about this younger man or about the sexual affair.

I think there will be some cultural issues for American audiences, who will probably be more judgmental about the infidelity and how it affects Caroline's husband and their relationship.  I admit that I felt myself bristle at how Caroline carried on this affair, even going to places where she risked running into friends of hers and her husband's, and potentially hurting her husband and her marriage.

But, if you're able to put these issues aside for a moment (no easy task, I know), I think the movie has a lot to say to counter the stereotypes of older woman being unattractive, sexless beings who are destined to be "put out to pasture" when they reach their 60s (see my article: Making Peace with the Aging Process).

Of course, you don't have to have a sexual affair to reawaken the passion in your life, whether it's sexual passion or a passion for life in general.

When I was a child, I thought 60 was very old.  Part of this was based on seeing the way my grandmother aged.  At the time, I didn't know how sick she was and how this affected the aging process for her.  But, even so, in my grandmother's day, people thought of themselves as being old by the time they were in their 60s.  And it wasn't unusual for men, who retired at 65, to only live a few years after their retirement.

These days, people who are in relatively good health, are living past their 80s and 90s.  Many people retire now and start new careers.  Often, they decide to take a new career path in a field that they find more meaningful than their original careers.  Or, they take up a new hobby that they didn't have time for before.

As Americans, we're obsessed with youth and staying young.  I think Bright Days Ahead challenges many ideas about aging, relationships, what's "appropriate" when it comes to younger and older lovers and for this alone, I think it's worth seeing this movie.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see: Indiewire interview with Fanny Ardant about Bright Days Ahead

The Allure of the Extramarital Affair

For many people who are unhappy or having problems in their marriage, the possibility of an extramarital affair is very tempting.  In many cases, it's a way of distracting themselves and finding a new and exciting sex partner to take their minds off their marital problems.

The Allure of the Extramarital Affair

An extramarital affair can be alluring.  But, ultimately, extramarital affairs often lead to even more problems and heartbreak.  Rather than trying to escape the problems in the relationship, it would be better to either try to work out the marital problems or, if the problems are irreconcilable, to end the marriage in a way that respects both you and your spouse and the love you once felt for each other.

Unfortunately, lots of people, who are unhappy in their marriage, find the possibility of an affair to be too irresistible and find out after it's too late just what a mistake it was to get involved with someone else.


The following fictionalized scenario is an example of how the allure of an extramarital affair created even worse problems:

Ted:
Ted and his wife, Mary, were married for 20 years when he met Betty at a conference.  Ted never had an extramarital affair in all  the years that he and Mary were married.  But, at the point when he met Betty, he and Mary had been having problems in their marriage for several years.

They were arguing about money and what they should do after they retired.  Mary tended to be a saver, and Ted was more of a spender.  Mary wanted to move out of state after she and Ted retired to be closer to her elderly mother, and Ted wanted to remain in NY.

Ted hated any kind of confrontation, so that whenever Mary tried to discuss these issues with Ted, he would get annoyed.  As their arguments got worse, Ted began spending more and more time at work so that by the time he got home, Mary was asleep.  He also went to the office on weekends to avoid the arguments.  So, they spent little time together, which only annoyed Mary more.

The tension between Ted and Mary had also taken a toll on their sex life.  Even when they were together at home, neither of them was in the mood to have sex.  There was too much anger and resentment between them.

Prior to their problems, Ted preferred not to go to conferences, but when his boss told him that there was a conference in L.A. and he offered to send Ted, Ted jumped at the opportunity.  On the last evening of the conference, Ted had too much to drink during the hotel happy hour. Normally, Ted wasn't a big drinker, so he didn't have a high tolerance of alcohol. That's when he met Betty.

Ted wasn't so drunk that he didn't know what he was doing.  He realized that Betty, who worked at his company in another department, was flirting with him.  He told himself that it was harmless to flirt back with her, and he told himself it wouldn't go any further.

When she invited him to her room, he told himself that he would only stay for a few minutes and then he would go back to his own room.  And so he continued to in this way, bargaining with himself that he would only kiss her and he wouldn't go any further.  But the temptation was just too great when she got undressed.  So, this is how the affair began.

When he returned to NY, he told himself that he would meet Betty for a drink and tell her that what happened in L.A. couldn't continue.  He felt guilty about cheating on his wife, but he blamed the alcohol.

Six months into the affair, Ted was still bargaining with himself--he would only see Betty one more time and then he would break it off.  But he continued to see her.  Seeing her made him feel special and the sex was the most passionate it had ever been.  Betty knew he was married and, from what Ted could see, she didn't seem to mind.

One night he came home late, and found Mary waiting up for him.  When she asked him to sit down, he was surprised to see that she looked like she had been crying.  He feared that her mother or one of her elderly relatives had died.  But after he sat down, Mary got straight to the point, "I got a call from a woman named Betty.  Is it true?"

Ted felt the blood drain from his face and he felt a mixture of shock, sadness and anger towards Betty.  Ted and Mary had a long talk about their marriage and the affair.  Ted realized, for the first time in a long time, that he still really loved his wife a lot and he didn't want to lose her.  He begged her to forgive him and promised that he would end it with Betty and never cheat on Mary again.

Mary was very upset, but she told Ted that she didn't want to throw away their 20 year marriage.  She said she wanted them to try to salvage their marriage, and she suggested they attend marriage counseling.

Ted ended his affair with Betty and asked his boss for a transfer to a different site.  His boss told him that people in the department had been gossiping about Ted's affair with Betty, and he also thought it was best for Ted to move to another department.  Ted didn't realize that people at work knew about the affair, and he felt especially ashamed that his boss knew.

Betty was angry that Ted was ending the affair.  She had hoped by calling Mary, Mary would leave Ted and then Betty could have him to herself.  She didn't realize that Ted still loved his wife and wanted to salvage their marriage.  Betty made threats to call Mary again, but she didn't.  Eventually, she stopped calling and texting him.

Mary and Ted had a lot to work on in marriage counseling, including Mary regaining trust in Ted.  Ted also had to learn to develop the ability to deal with their problems instead of running away from them.  It was hard work, and there were times when each of them wanted to stop marriage counseling.  But they both knew that if there was any chance of working out their problems, they needed to stick with it, so they did.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you and your spouse are having problems that you're unable to work out on your own, you could benefit from couples counseling.  Even if you have already decided that you want to end the relationship, a skilled couples counselor can help you to do it amicably.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Risky Business: Having a Sexual Affair with Your Boss

Having a sexual affair with your boss is engaging in risky business with your career and your emotions. What might start out as seductive and exciting could end up a disaster for you and  your boss.  

Risky Business:  Having a Sexual Affair with Your Boss

Office Affairs
Before I went to college, I spent a few years working as a secretary in the corporate world.  Having graduated high school at 17, I wasn't sure what I wanted to do, so I became a secretary while I did some soul searching about my life.  At the time, secretarial jobs were plentiful and it was the way that many women entered the workforce.  Being young and naive, I had a lot to learn about the world of work and the complicated relationships that people had with each other, and I certainly knew nothing about sexual affairs between bosses and their subordinates.

On Day One, I was escorted to my desk by the vice president's executive secretary, a tall, beautiful Argentinian woman, Alicia (not her real name) who dressed impeccably and left a faint seductive trail of her perfume as she walked by.  She carried herself like a queen, and I soon learned that she wielded a lot of power in the office over everyone who reported to her boss.  Although she was very charming, her manner was also intimidating.  I sensed immediately that people were afraid of her.  They also hinted salaciously that Alicia was having a longstanding sexual affair with her boss, the vice president, who was a married man with children.

Having a Sexual Affair with Your Boss Can Jeopardize Your Emotional Health and Your Career

Soon after I arrived, I was warned by the other secretaries that I shouldn't do anything to cross Alicia because one word from her to her boss and people were fired.  By the second week, I observed Alicia berating my boss in front of other managers.  She eviscerated him in her imperial manner and then she walked away.  When she left, he stood by his desk speechless and looking ashamed and powerless.  I turned away and pretended not to see what had just happened to help him save face.

On the surface, the secretaries and the managers went out of their way to ingratiate themselves with Alicia.  But, behind her back, they engaged in revenge fantasies about her downfall.  Being so young and inexperienced about the work world, I tried to steer clear of the vicious gossip.  But I couldn't help observing how Alicia and her boss barely concealed their sexual affair.  They were openly flirtatious with each other in front of everyone, and they took long lunches together, coming back all smiles.

If this sounds like something out of the TV program, "Mad Men," it's because, at the time, this wasn't unusual behavior at the office.  This was before companies instituted sexual harassment policies and bosses were warned about the dire consequences to the company and themselves if a sexual affair went south and a subordinate filed a complaint against the boss.

One day, I came in and I was surprised to see Alicia sitting at her desk with puffy red eyes, looking nervous and ill at ease.  It was obvious that she had been crying.  When her boss came out to give her work, rather than lingering around her seductively as he usually did, he was stone faced.  He handed her the work, barely looking at her, and went back in his office closing the door.  Soon, the office rumor mill was gleefully buzzing:  The vice president broke it off with Alicia, telling her that he had no intention of leaving his wife and children.  This was the day people were waiting for and they couldn't be more elated than if they had won the lottery.

Sitting alone at my desk, I pretended to be engrossed in my work.  I didn't dare make eye contact with Alicia.  Although, like everyone else, by then, I had experienced her tongue lashings on more than one occasion, I couldn't help feeling sorry for her.  I could feel the waves of sadness coming from her direction.  She sat silently typing at her desk, wiping away tears, and looking shrunken and humiliated in her grief.  Somehow, she even looked older.  She was an intelligent woman with excellent administrative skills.  If this had been 20 years later, she could have run the place as a vice president herself, but there were fewer opportunities for women at that time.

A few weeks later, I was offered another job and I left.  Many years went by and I didn't know what had become of Alicia or her boss--until I ran into her on the street near Saks Fifth Avenue.  She called out to me and, at first, I didn't recognize her.  When she told me who she was, of course, I remembered her.  At that point, she was easily in her mid-60s.  She was statuesque and beautiful, but I sensed that something was missing.   Her face told the whole story--she looked lost and sad.

Over coffee, she told me that she had never married and lived with her older sister.  She was retired now and spent most of her time at home.  She alluded to being pushed out of her job by the vice president and how the staff was openly hostile to her before she left.  Since Alicia and I had never talked about her affair with her boss before, I was surprised at how candid she was with me now.  I didn't know quite what to say, so I just listened.  I sensed that she didn't have many friends that she could talk to and her older sister was very straight laced.

Apparently, the breakup had been disastrous for her.  She really loved her boss and hoped that he would leave his wife.  She felt she wasted many precious years having an affair with him, taking work home, and helping him to rise in the company.  And in the end, when he got tired of her, she was, unceremoniously, shown the door and she never got over it.

Putting Your Emotional Health and Career at Risk
Not every office affair ends so dramatically or with such long lasting consequences.  This isn't the late 1960s with anything-goes sex at the office. Women and men have a lot more opportunities than they did before.  We also have Federal laws and corporate policies that help to protect people like Alicia who get fired after their bosses get tired of the affair.

But allowing yourself to become involved in an office affair can be disastrous for you emotionally and financially.  Even during the time when the sexual affair is going on, if you're the "other woman" or the "other man" in  your boss's life and you're hoping to transform the affair into a relationship, chances are that you'll be hurt and disappointed, especially if your boss is married.  Although there are exceptions, most people don't leave their spouses to be with the "other woman" or "other man."

As alluring as a sexual affair at the office might seem at first, it's best to steer clear of these situations.  The emotional pain and potential damage to a career isn't worth it.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, see my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my blog article:  Leading a Double Life as the "Other Woman" or "Other Man" in an Affair


photo credit: Rachid Lamzah via photopin cc

photo credit: LatinaPower2009 via photopin cc