The Fetishization of Lesbians and Bisexual Women is a Social Justice Issue

Fetishization is defined as the act of making someone an object of sexual desire based on some aspect of their identity.  With regard to lesbians and bisexual women in particular, fetishization means objectifying these women and seeing them as existing soley for the sexual pleasure of heterosexual men.  

The Fetishization of Lesbians and Bisexual Women is a Social Justice Issue

Mainstream Pornography Distorts Lesbian and Bisexual Relationships

With fetishization, there is no regard for actual lesbian and bisexual relationships with women--actual relationships as opposed to the distortions portrayed in mainstream pornography where these relationships exist only for the male gaze (see my article:  What is the Difference Between Ethical Pornography and Mainstream Porn?).

Acceptance or Fetishization of Lesbians and Bisexual Women?

Although many believe there is greater acceptance for lesbians and bisexual women these days, it's important to distinguish acceptance from fetishization.  

Instead of being accepted, these women are often objectified and viewed as being on display for the sexual enjoyment of heterosexual men. 

Acceptance or Fetishization of Lesbians and Bisexual Women?

Lesbians, in particular, are often seen as a sexual challenge by many men. These men fantasize about "converting" these women into heterosexuals.  

Alternatively, many men would like to believe that lesbians would find them so irresistible that they would make an "exception" to have sex with them. These men want to believe they would be special, above all other men, in the eyes of a lesbian.

In these instances, it's all about male sexual conquest or "scoring" with lesbians.  

Related to this is the distorted perception that if these women were to experience "a real dick," they would have a sexual awakening and convert to heterosexuality.

Bisexual Women as "Unicorns" to Be Sought Out by "Unicorn Hunters"

There is a particular type of fetishization of bisexual women among men who seek out bisexual women for threesomes.  

The term "unicorn" implies that bisexual women, who participate in these threesomes (female-male-female or FMF), are hard to find, and the men who try to find them are referred to as "unicorn hunters."

There is nothing wrong with bisexual women who willingly consent to be part of a threesome with a heterosexual couple.  There is no harm if no one is being manipulated or exploited among consenting adults.

The problem comes in when heterosexual men see all bisexual women as existing only for their sexual pleasure or when bisexual women are pressured into threesomes or denigrated for not participating in threesomes.  

Similarly, some men seek out bisexual women for their "bi-curious" girlfriend so these men can gawk at their girlfriend having sex with a woman.  

Once again, if everyone is enthusiastically consenting to these sexual activities and no one is being abused, there isn't a problem among consenting adults. 

The problem comes in when all bisexual women are viewed as existing only for this purpose and they're not seen as existing in their own right.

Some bisexual women are tricked, manipulated or misled into engaging in these sexual activities by the "unicorn hunter."  

Sometimes these men lead bisexual women to believe that sex will only be between the two of them (the man and the bisexual woman) but it's really a setup to get her to be part of a threesome.  

Even worse: When men use alcohol or drugs to sexually manipulate, abuse and exploit women.

Once again, to clarify: Manipulating bisexual women into threesomes is very different from being a consensual member of a polyamorous triad or throuple, which are relationships among three consenting adults (more about this in a future article).

The Objectification of Lesbians and Bisexual Women is a Social Justice Issue

Objectification means treating someone like an object who is devoid of their own subjectivity with regard to their thoughts, feelings and behavior.  This is a social justice issue for everyone.

Objectification of any woman means reducing her to an object or body part who exists for the sexual gratification of heterosexual men.  

Similarly, when lesbians and bisexual women are seen as hypersexualized beings, this perpetuates a dangerous stereotype.  This form of dehumanization can, and often does, lead to violence against women.  

The Need For a Major Overhaul of the Sex Education System in the US

There is an urgent need for a major overhaul of the sex education system in the United States.  

Where sex education exists at all the emphasis is usually on prevention of sexually transmitted disease and pregnancy.  

There is little to no education about sexual pleasure which is an important part of sex between consenting adults.

Similarly, there is little to no education about the harmful effects of objectifying women in mainstream pornography and other media.  This is an important issue because this is how many teens and young adults get information and form their views of sex in the absence of comprehensive sex education.

Abstinence-based sex education advises teens and young adults to wait until they're married to have sex.  However, with no guidance from sex education, how are these adults supposed to take the leap from thinking sex is wrong or sinful to having a healthy sexual relationship when they get married?  There needs to be comprehensive sex education to fill this void.

Raising Awareness of the Fetishization of Lesbians and Bisexual Women

Although more people--both women and men--are speaking out against the objectification of lesbians and bisexual women, their attempts are a mere drop in the ocean compared to the pervasive negative stereotypes in mainstream porn and other media.

Raising awareness starts with each individual reflecting on their own personal views and choices with regard to women--whether these women are their partners, sisters, nieces, granddaughters or strangers to them.  

In doing so, they can learn to respect women and also respect themselves.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?)

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Sexual Pleasure and the Erotic Self - Part 1

In my last article, Are You Too Ashamed to Share Your Sexual Fantasies With Your Spouse?, I began a discussion about sexual fantasies and the shame and guilt that people often feel about talking to their spouse or partner about those fantasies.  As I mentioned, aside from sharing these fantasies, many people feel ashamed of their own internal fantasies, which creates inhibitions for eroticism and sexual pleasure.

Sexual Pleasure and Developing the Erotic Self

In this article, my focus will be on defining sexual pleasure, the health benefits associated with sex, and the obstacles to developing the female erotic self. 

Although the emphasis is on women in this article, men can also benefit from this information to help their partner to feel more comfortable with her sexual self.

What is Sexual Pleasure?

Developing the erotic self involves knowing what is sexually pleasurable to you.

According to Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., sex educator and author of the New York Times bestseller, Come As You Are, rather than focusing on having an orgasm, which makes sex too performance based, "pleasure is the measure" for individuals' and couples' sexual activity.  This means experiencing pleasure for pleasure's sake.

According to the American Sexual Health Association, "we learn how to experience sexual pleasure for pleasure's sake by understanding our own sexual desires and responses."  

They state that no matter what stimulates sexual pleasure, "we are all sexual beings" so how you choose to behave as a sexual being is up to you.  There is no right or wrong way to experience sexual pleasure.

What Are the Health Benefits of Sex?

Aside from the pleasurable aspects of sex, according to WebMD, sex has been shown to promote health benefits, including:

• Improving sleep
• Reducing stress
• Boosting the immune system
• Boosting libido (having sex can make sex better and help increase sexual desire)
• Lowering heart attack risk
• Lowering blood pressure
• Counting as exercise (sex uses about five calories per minute)
• Reducing pain by releasing hormones that help raise your pain threshold

Obstacles to Developing the Erotic Self

Here is a brief summary of the issues that can create obstacles to the development of the erotic self:

• Early Childhood Experiences, including Trauma: From an early age, children are often forbidden to explore their bodies sexually.  Children who are caught masturbating are often shamed by their parents.  Some parents have even told their children that touching their genitals is a "sin" or that there will be negative consequences to masturbating, like growing hair on the palms of their hands.  So, these children learn that touching themselves is shameful and, by extension, sex is shameful.  In addition, children who are sexually abused are traumatized. They often blame themselves for the abuse and can grow up to associate sex with being "bad" or "dirty."

• Shame and Guilt Related to Religious or Political Views: Some religions and spiritual communities expressly forbid children from exploring their bodies sexually through self touch and masturbation.  Even more liberal spiritual communities often tell children and adolescents that they will learn about sex after they are married.  However, this causes many adolescents to shut down sexually so they have little awareness of their bodies, and this shutdown continues into adulthood after they are married.  In addition, adults, who have certain political views, might judge their sexual fantasies as being inconsistent with their political views. For instance, a woman who considers herself a feminist might feel ashamed of her sexual fantasy to be dominated sexually by a man (see my article:  Destigmatizing Sexual Fantasies of Power and Submission).

• Societal Objectification of Women: Women are often used to sell products, like cars, magazines or other products. As such, women are objectified and seen as being sexual solely for the pleasure of men.  

• Internalized Sexism and Misogyny: Related to societal perceptions of women as sexual beings, women often internalize these perceptions because the message is so pervasive.  

• Body Image Problems: The images that women often see in magazines, online and on TV are of women with "perfect bodies." The message, which is often not so subtle, is that if you're a woman and you don't have a body like these images, you are inferior.  This often creates problems with body image which can lead to body dysmorphia and, in some cases, eating disorders.

• Stress, Anxiety and Burnout: Stress, anxiety and burnout are big obstacles to sexual pleasure.  When someone is overwhelmed, they cannot relax enough to experience pleasure.  

Overcoming these obstacles to developing an erotic self can be formidable, but not impossible.  In my next article, I'll focus on how to experience sexual pleasure and develop the erotic self.

Next Article: Sexual Pleasure and Developing the Erotic Self - Part 2

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been unable to overcome obstacles that are hindering you, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to overcome these problems.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed psychotherapist so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW -- NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding Women With Healthy High Sexual Desire - Part 2

I began a discussion about women with healthy high sexual desire in my prior article.  I'm continuing to explore this topic in the current article (also see my articles: What's the Difference Between Sex and Intimacy?, What is Good Sex?, What is Synchrony Sex? and Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes).

Understanding Women With Healthy High Sexual Desire

Negative Stereotypes About Women as Sexual Beings

I'm choosing to focus on this topic because women who experience high sexual arousal are often maligned in sexist ways as being "sluts" or "whores" when, in fact, experiencing high sexual arousal is normal.  

Contrary to the stereotypes in pornography, most women with high sexual desire are not promiscuous or sexually compulsive.

At the same time, women who don't experience high sexual desire are also maligned as being "abnormal," "frigid" or "cold."  In many ways, this stereotype is even more surprising because these women represent the majority of women, and they are also normal.  They just need more sexual stimulation and they're more sensitive to the context in which they're in as compared to women with high sexual desire. 

So, in general, women as sexual beings, whether they experience high sexual desire or more context-dependent desire, are often criticized.  

Another reason why I'm focusing on this topic is that most research and articles about women's sexuality tend to focus on women's sexual problems (low libido), so my sex positive articles about women with high sexual desire are an attempt to bring attention to a much neglected topic.

Women With High Sexual Desire As Sexual Pursuers in Their Relationships

According to sex educator, Dr. Emily Nagoski, who is an expert on women's sexuality, women with high sexual desire represent about 15% of all women.  

Their sexual arousal tends to be spontaneous.  

In psychological terms, these women are often referred to as "female sexual pursuers" because they're often the ones, whether in heterosexual or lesbian relationships, who want and pursue more sex in their relationship (see my article: How Sexual Pursuers and Sexual Withdrawers Can Work Out Their Differences to Have a Happier Sex Life - Part 1 and Part 2).

The Temperament of Women With High Sexual Desire

In terms of sexual temperament, these women are sensitive to sexually relevant stimuli, which include sight, sound, smell, taste, touch and sexual fantasies. 

In terms of sexual context, a wide range of contexts can be sexually stimulating for them.  

So, in other words, these women get sexually turned on easily. 

Also, novelty is often sexually exciting for them.

What Are Sexual Excitors?

As the term suggests, sexual excitors are experiences that are sexual turn-ons, which vary for different people.

In her book, Come As You Are, Dr. Nagoski includes a brief questionnaire to help women determine their sexual temperament. 

This questionnaire includes the following sexually exciting incidents which are particularly relevant for women with high sexual desire:

• Smelling the scent someone wears as a sexual turn-on
• Seeing someone doing something that shows their talent or intelligence
• Having sex in a different setting or in a different way than the usual one (novelty)
• Seeing someone who is sexually attractive 
• Fantasizing about sex
• Experiencing certain hormonal changes during their menstrual cycle
• Getting sexually turned on knowing that someone else is turned on

Metaphorically speaking, in terms of sexual arousal, they have sensitive accelerators and not-so-sensitive brakes (see my article: Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes - Part 1 and Part 2).

Women with high sexual desire often de-stress by having sex--either through self pleasure (masturbation) or through partnered sex.  

Compared to most women, who are more context-dependent in terms of sexual arousal, women who experience high sexual arousal can be at risk for sexual compulsivity due to their sensitive accelerators and lower sensitivity brakes (although, as previously mentioned, most of these women are not promiscuous).

So, in order to avoid becoming sexually compulsive, these women need to pay attention to managing their stress in healthy/noncompulsive ways, including nonsexual ways like exercise and meditation in addition to self pleasure and partnered sex.

Conclusion

Women who experience high sexual desire experience sexual arousal in a spontaneous way. They represent about 15% of all women.  

Their way of experiencing sexual arousal is just as normal as more sexually context-dependent women.

Women with high arousal are more sensitive to sexual stimuli as compared to the vast majority of women.

Women who experience healthy high sexual desire are often confident in their sexuality and their sexual activities whether it involves self pleasure or partnered sex.  

They tend to be the ones in relationships who want more sex and, as such, they are the sexual pursuers in their relationships.

Last, but not least, sexist stereotyping of women is inaccurate and destructive to all women.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set  up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding Women With Healthy High Sexual Desire - Part 1

In prior articles, I discussed sexual pursuers and sexual withdrawers in relationships (see my articles about this topic: Part 1 and Part 2).  In this article, which is another sex positive* article in a series about sexuality, I'm focusing on high desire women who approach sex in a healthy way (also known as female sexual pursuers).  

Understanding Women With Healthy High Sexual Desire

Understanding Women With Healthy High Sexual Desire

When high sexual desire is discussed, the narrow stereotype is often about men who have strong sexual desire and women with lower sexual libido.  

To complicate matters, a lot of the research focuses on women who have problems with low sexual desire (e.g., hypoactive sexual desire) or, on the other end of the spectrum, unhealthy, impulsive/compulsive sexual desire (e.g., impulsive and compulsive sexuality is often associated with the emotional insecurities of borderline personality).

Aside from the problems with research, there are also sexist cultural stereotypes that complicate matters, including portraying women with healthy high sexual desire as being "whores" and "sluts."  

Even women with healthy high libido can be denigrated in this sexist way.  This is in sharp contrast to stereotypes of men with high libido who are admired for being "manly" or "viral."

More recent research challenges these sexist stereotypes and reveals that women can have healthy high sexual libido.  

Their high libido doesn't emerge from emotional insecurity, impulsiveness or compulsivity. Instead, these women are confident in themselves and they enjoy sex.  And, contrary to sexist views of women, there are more women with healthy high sexual desire than is commonly thought.

Women With Healthy High Sexual Desire and a Secure Attachment Style

Women who have a healthy high libido usually have a secure attachment style (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

As children, they developed a secure attachment with one or both parents.  They received love and emotional mirroring from at least one parent that allowed them to feel loved and emotionally secure.

Often, as young girls, they experienced at least one parent who delighted in them.  At the age of four or five, these girls' parents delighted in their healthy behavior.  For instance, if the young girl happily twirled around while she was feeling good about herself, her parents encouraged her rather than telling her to "stop showing off."

These girls grew up seeing the gleam in their parents eyes reflected on them so, not only did they feel secure in their attachment to their parents, they also felt loved and lovable.  So, when these girls mature into women, they feel their desirability.  

Rather than being shamed or made to feel guilty for masturbating, their parents reinforced self pleasure as being healthy.  They grew to be women with a solid erotic core.

As I've mentioned in prior articles, these women often experience spontaneous sexual arousal (see my article: Spontaneous Sexual Arousal).  

According to Dr. Emily Nagoski in her book,  Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life, women who experience spontaneous sexual desire (as opposed to context-dependent sexual desire) represent at least 16% of all women.

I'll be discussing this topic further in future articles.

Also, see my articles:

Who Says Older Women Don't Enjoy Sex?

What is the Difference Between Sex and Intimacy?

What is Good Sex?

*Sex positive refers to having or promoting an open, tolerant or progressive attitude towards sex and sexuality.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have unresolved problems that you have been unable to work through on your own, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional.

Rather than struggling on your own, contact a skilled psychotherapist who can help you to overcome the obstacles that are keeping you from leading a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Many Older Women, Who Were at the Forefront of the Sexual Revolution, Remain Sexually Active

In my previous article, Who Says Older Women Don't Enjoy Sex?, I discussed the results of a research study which, contrary to popular opinion, revealed that many older women in their 50s, 60s and beyond still enjoy sex.  In this article, I'm focusing on the subject of older women, who were at the forefront of the Sexual Revolution, who remain sexually active.

Many Older Women, Who Were at the Forefront of the Sexual Revolution, Remain Sexually Active

Women of the Baby Boomer Generation and the Sexual Revolution
Many people forget that women in the Baby Boomer generation were at the forefront of the sexual revolution in the 1960s and 1970s.  This includes both heterosexual women and lesbians who pioneered the fight against sexism and ageism.

Despite being raised with the conventional wisdom that men should be the ones who pursue women sexually and women's role was to "submit" to men, women from the Baby Boomer generation fought against these standards as part of the Sexual Revolution.

So, why would anyone think that these same women would now go quietly and settle for a life without sex?

It wasn't so long ago that women in their 40s and beyond were considered "sexually obsolete."  And in many ways, this myth still persists.

But despite the stereotype of the older asexual woman, it should be no surprise that many women, who are now in their 50s, 60s, 70s and beyond are still sexually active, and many of them feel freer to enjoy sex more now than when they were younger.

Why Are Many Sexually Active Older Women Enjoying the Best Sex of Their Life?
There are many reasons why these older women are enjoying the best sex of their life, including:

• People are generally living longer and healthier lives these days, which includes older women and men who remain sexually active.
• Older adults, who are living longer lives, now think of life in later years as their "third act," which offers them more options in life.
• Women from the Baby Boomer generation are more likely to talk openly about sex still being important to them.
• Many older women, who continue to work, are now prioritizing a better work-life balance, so they have more time in their personal life for enjoying a healthy sex life.
• Older women, who no longer have responsibilities for taking care of young children, are now freer to pursue sexual activities.
• Older women, who are in their menopausal and post menopausal years, no longer worry about getting pregnant, so they can enjoy sex without this worry, which is present for younger women.
• Last but not least:  Older women are more sexually experienced and many of them know what they enjoy sexually, so they can communicate with their partners about what they desire in the bedroom. This makes sex much more pleasurable for them and their sex partners.

Challenges to Being Sexually Active as an Older Woman
All of these factors mentioned above don't rule out the challenges that some older women have with regard to sex, including: health issues that make sex difficult, an absence of sexual partners, sexual partners with erectile dysfunction, problems with lubrication during intercourse, misconceptions about older people not contracting sexually transmitted diseases, medical doctors who see older women as being asexual and who don't talk to them about their sexual health, and so on.

In future articles I'll continue the discussion about older women and sex.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're feeling overwhelmed by problems that you have been unable to resolve on your own, you could benefit from seeing a licensed psychotherapist.

An experienced psychotherapist can help you to work through problems so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

During the current COVID-19 pandemic, I'm providing teletherapy sessions, also known as telemental health, online therapy and telehealth (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy When You Can't See Your Therapist in Person).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Sexual Reawakening of an Older Woman With a Younger Man: Movie: Bright Days Ahead

In a prior article, Overcoming Lack of Intimacy: Movie: Hope Springs, I discussed the main characters' (Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones) long term sexless marriage and the wife's attempts to recharge their sexual life in the context of this issue being a common problem in many long term marriages.

Misconceptions and Stereotypes About Older Women

Looking at Misconceptions and Stereotypes About Older Women
I recently went to see the movie, Bright Days Ahead (Les Beaux Jours), a French movie starring Frances Ardant (Truffant's The Woman Next Door), Patrick Chesnais (The Diving Bell and the Butterfly), Laurent Lafitte, and directed by Marion Vernoux.

Bright Days Ahead is about a 60 year old woman, Caroline (Ardant), as she is coming to terms with the unexpected death of a close friend who was close to her age, and a long-term marriage that is loving and comfortable but without passion.

After the shock of her friend's sudden death, Caroline decides to retire from her dental practice to reassess her life.  Her well-meaning daughter gives her a gift in the form of a membership to a senior center, which is called Bright Days Ahead, to help Caroline fill her time.

Initially, Caroline is put off by the condescending instructors and the activities for seniors at Bright Days Ahead which have no meaning for her.  She feels above it and she is ready to dismiss the idea of attending the center.  But when she meets the computer instructor,  Julien  (Lafitte), who is a handsome, sexy man in his late 30s, she has second thoughts.

After Julien comes on to her, Caroline begins a May-December sexual affair with him as part of her  sexual and emotional reawakening.

I won't give away the rest of the plot.

Although Bright Days Ahead and Ardant's character are not without their flaws, it's rare to find a movie about an attractive, poised, confident woman in her early 60s, who rediscovers her sexual passion and who has no illusions about this younger man or about the sexual affair.

I think there will be some cultural issues for American audiences, who will probably be more judgmental about the infidelity and how it affects Caroline's husband and their relationship.  I admit that I felt myself bristle at how Caroline carried on this affair, even going to places where she risked running into friends of hers and her husband's, and potentially hurting her husband and her marriage.

But, if you're able to put these issues aside for a moment (no easy task, I know), I think the movie has a lot to say to counter the stereotypes of older woman being unattractive, sexless beings who are destined to be "put out to pasture" when they reach their 60s (see my article: Making Peace with the Aging Process).

Of course, you don't have to have a sexual affair to reawaken the passion in your life, whether it's sexual passion or a passion for life in general.

When I was a child, I thought 60 was very old.  Part of this was based on seeing the way my grandmother aged.  At the time, I didn't know how sick she was and how this affected the aging process for her.  But, even so, in my grandmother's day, people thought of themselves as being old by the time they were in their 60s.  And it wasn't unusual for men, who retired at 65, to only live a few years after their retirement.

These days, people who are in relatively good health, are living past their 80s and 90s.  Many people retire now and start new careers.  Often, they decide to take a new career path in a field that they find more meaningful than their original careers.  Or, they take up a new hobby that they didn't have time for before.

As Americans, we're obsessed with youth and staying young.  I think Bright Days Ahead challenges many ideas about aging, relationships, what's "appropriate" when it comes to younger and older lovers and for this alone, I think it's worth seeing this movie.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see: Indiewire interview with Fanny Ardant about Bright Days Ahead