5 Common Myths About Sex in Long Term Relationships

In this article I'll be challenging the most common myths about sex in long term relationships.

Pleasurable Sex in Long Term Relationships

Sex Education in the US is Inadequate

One of the leading reasons for so much misinformation, in general, about sex is that only 39 states and the District of Columbia mandate sex education and HIV education in high school.  

These programs vary widely in terms of the quality of the sex education they provide, and some states provide only abstinence-based sex education.  

In addition, all too often, sex education programs only focus on the health risks of having sex with no information about sexual pleasure.  This can leave young people with the misconception that sex is "bad" and always "dangerous."

A lack of quality sex education means people aren't getting the sex education they need. Furthermore, since many young people don't get sex education at home, they turn to porn, which is highly inaccurate.

Moreover, adults in healthcare settings are often too ashamed to ask their healthcare professionals about sex.  And, making matters even worse, many of these professionals, including medical doctors, get inadequate sex education as part of their medical training. So, all too often even if patients ask them questions about sex, they're unable to answer.

Taking all of this into consideration, is it any wonder there are so many myths about sex in long term relationships?

Ageism and Sex

In our youth obsessed culture, there is a stigma against aging and sex.

In addition, many people assume that older people don't want to have sex. While this might be true for some older people, many who aren't having sex, would enjoy sex, but they don't have a sexual partner.

Challenging 5 Common Myths About Sex in Long Term Relationships

So, let's challenge 5 common myths about sex in long term relationships: 

• Myth 1: Good Sex Means Frequent Sex: It's important to understand that quantity doesn't equal quality. Regardless of how often a couple has sex, sex is only "good" if both people enjoy it. So, for instance, if a couple's sex script is determined only by the demands of one partner and the other partner is only going along without enjoying it, this isn't good sex because it lacks mutuality.  It's "compliant sex" which often breeds dissatisfaction and resentment in the long run for both people (see my article: What is Good Sex?).

• Myth 2: The Best Sex Always Occurs During the Initial Stage of a Relationship: Sex often gets better over time for couples, especially if the couple is able to communicate their needs to each other.  While it's true that many couples have more frequent sex during the initial limerence stage (the early stage of a relationship where two people are infatuated with each other), frequency doesn't automatically equal "good sex," as mentioned in Myth 1 (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

Pleasurable Sex in Long Term Relationships

• Myth 3: Couples in Long Term Relationships Eventually Stop Having Sex: This is one of the most common myths that our culture perpetuates. This myth is further complicated by Myth 1, which is that good sex means frequent sex. Many couples continue to have pleasurable sex into their 60s, 70s, 80s and beyond.  Although they might not have the physical agility they once had in their 20s, if they're willing to try new ways of having sex, their sex life can continue to be enjoyable. Note: If you and your partner have stopped having sex and one or both of you aren't happy about it you could benefit from working with a sex therapist.

Pleasurable Sex in Long Term Relationships

• Myth 4: Once Couples Stop Having Sex, They Can't Resume Having Sex Again: Too many couples believe this myth, which deprives them of having a fulfilling sex life. Other couples are too ashamed to talk to each other about sex or they don't know how, so this problem never gets addressed.  If both people want to resume having sex, they can make a conscious effort on their own to resume having sex. And, if they're having a problem getting started again, they can consult with a sex therapist for help on how to address the underlying issues creating obstacles for them as well as learn behavioral interventions assigned by a sex therapist as part of the couple's homework to work on in the privacy of their home.

Pleasurable Sex in Long Term Relationships

• Myth 5: Cheating Means Lack of Sexual Interest in the Relationship: There are a lot of misconceptions about cheating.  In many cases, there is no one particular reason why people cheat. Cheating often has nothing to do with a lack of interest in their partner or in the relationship. Many people, who love their partner and who still feel sexually attracted to them, engage in cheating.  In fact, many people who cheat say they still feel emotionally and sexually fulfilled in their relationship, but they want to feel sexually desirable to others (see my article: Why Do People in Happy Relationships Cheat?).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Individuals and couples attend sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Reasons Why People Seek Help in Sex Therapy?).

There is no nudity, physical exam or sexual activity in sex therapy sessions. However, there are homework assignments to practice in the privacy of your own home to improve your sex life (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

If you have been unable to resolve sexual problems on your own, you could benefit from seeking help in sex therapy for a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Sexual Self Esteem?

Most people are familiar with the concept of self esteem, which is how you see yourself in terms of deserving love and being capable of handling life's many challenges.

Sexual Self Esteem

As it turns out, self esteem affects every area of your life:

• How you feel about yourself
• What you feel you deserve
• How lovable/unlovable you feel
• Whether you get into healthy or unhealthy relationships
• What career choices you make
• How you feel about yourself sexually

What is Sexual Self Esteem?

We are all sexual beings.

Sexual Self Esteem

Sexual self esteem includes: 

• How sexually attuned you are to your body

• Whether your relationship to your body is positive, negative or a mix

• Your openness to sexual self discovery

• Whether you see yourself as a sexually appealing individual

• Whether you believe you deserve a satisfying and enjoyable sex life

• Whether you feel sexually confident

• How capable you feel about giving yourself sexual pleasure during solo sex/masturbation

• How much sexual confidence you feel when you're having sex with your sexual partner(s)

• Whether you make healthy sexual choices, which is part of high sexual self esteem, or poor sexual choices, which is part of low sexual self esteem.  

What Factors Affect Your Sexual Self Esteem?

Your sexual self esteem can be affected by:

• What your psychological and emotional history in your family of origin

• Whether you were taught that you are a lovable, capable person who deserves to be happy

• What your sexual developmental history was including, among other things:
• How you learned about sex and what you were taught

• What you were taught about your sexuality and your body

• Whether sexual boundaries in your family and with others were healthy or unhealthy

• Whether you were sexually, physically or emotionally abused

• What you experienced in your prior sexual and romantic relationships

• Whether or not you had positive experiences in your first romantic and sexual relationships 
  
  
• Other related issues

How Does Your Self Esteem Affect Your Sexuality?

• Your Sexual Choices: People with high sexual esteem usually make positive choices, and people with low sexual self esteem often make poor choices. An example of a poor choice might be going along with a sexual partner's wish not to practice safe sex when you really wanted to be safe.

• Self Confidence: You're more likely to have a satisfying sex life when your self confidence is high.  This includes both solo sex and partner sex.

• Body Image: Whereas having high sexual self esteem allows you to generally have a positive regard for your body, having low sexual self esteem can make you feel self conscious about your body image.

Sexual Self Esteem Can Change Over the Course of Your Life

Sexual self esteem can change over time--from negative to positive as well as from positive to negative.

Most of us are bombarded by images and concepts on social media, magazines, television and other outside sources about what is considered beautiful or sexy, which leads to unhealthy comparisons.

Sexual Self Esteem and the Aging Process

The aging process can be a positive or a negative factor in terms of sexual self esteem.  If a person derives their sexual self confidence based on sources outside him or herself, their sexual self confidence can suffer, especially if they allow negative concepts about aging and attractiveness to affect them.

Sexual Self Esteem and the Aging Process

Being able to maintain a positive self regard for your inner qualities as well as cherishing your body and overall sexuality will help you to develop and maintain a high degree of sexual self esteem.

Developing Healthy Sexual Self Esteem

There are steps you can take on your own to bolster your sexual self esteem, including

• Monitoring your internal dialogue about yourself and being aware of negative self talk

• Keeping a journal to express how you feel about yourself sexually

• Being aware of peak erotic experiences that gave you sexual pleasure--whether they were alone or with partners

• Educating yourself about sexuality through books, podcasts or other forms of healthy sex education

• Developing an awareness of your erotic orientation

• Developing an awareness of your erotic blueprint

• Understanding your sexual turn-ons and turn-offs alone and with partners

• Getting to know your emotional aphrodisiacs

• Being aware of what you're willing and unwilling to do sexually and being able to communicate that to sexual partners

• Focusing on sexual pleasure and not sexual performance both in solo sex and in partner sex

When to Seek Help in Sex Therapy

If you have been unable to increase your sexual confidence on your own with self help techniques, you could benefit from help in sex therapy.

Sex therapy is a form of psychotherapy, also known as talk therapy, where the sex therapist focuses on the sexual issues of individuals and people in relationships. 

There is no physical exam, nudity or physical touch involved in sex therapy (see my articles: What is Sex Therapy? and Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy).

You deserve to have a fulfilling sex life.

You can free yourself of the obstacles that are keeping you from having a fulfilling sex life when you work with a skilled sex therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships Between Older Women and Younger Men - Part 1

I've been discussing older women's sexuality in my recent articles (see my articles: Who says Older Women Don't Enjoy Sex? and Many Older Women Who Were at the Forefront of the Sexual Revolution Are Still Sexually Active). In this article, I'm focusing on relationships between older women and younger men.

Relationships Between Older Women and Younger Men

The Old Double Standard About Older Women and Younger Men
More than 40 years ago, writer and feminist Susan Sontag wrote an essay for the Saturday Review called "The Double Standard of Aging" in which she called out the sexist social convention that aging enhances men's attractiveness but detracts from women. In her essay, Sontag indicated that men might be the ones who were primarily perpetuating this sexist double standard, but she also urged older women to stop acquiescing to it. 

Years later, in an attempt to explain the popularity of older women and younger men, Newsweek called 2009 "the year of the cougar."  The image of the "cougar" was an older women who was sexually obsessed and who preyed on younger men.

Not only was this description crass and disrespectful, but it painted an inaccurate picture of older women's sexuality.  In addition, it left out the real story of why many older women often prefer younger men as well as why younger men often prefer older women.  

Defining older women, who prefer younger men, as "cougars," paints a picture of older women as predatory, but this image didn't start in 2009.  As early as 1967, in "The Graduate," Anne Bancroft portrayed Mrs. Robinson as a conniving older woman who manipulated Dustin Hoffman's character, a young college graduate, into having sex with her.  

The movie and the image of the older woman who preys on young men became so popular that the term "Mrs. Robinson" became a term synonymous with sex-hungry older women who go after younger men.  

Although, in the movie, at first, Mrs. Robinson seems beautiful, sexy and sophisticated, subsequently, just below the surface, she is shown to be an older woman who is deeply troubled and unhappy.  She is revealed as a desperate, clingy woman who is someone to be pitied rather than admired. And, of course, eventually, Dustin Hoffman's character leaves her for her younger daughter.

Although the stereotypes of older women as "cougars" and Mrs. Robinson-type women have diminished, these stereotypes still prevail in certain circles, especially in sexist popular media that still seek to demean older women.

In more recent times, many older women and younger men have become more open with revealing their preferences for each other, and see these preferences as natural.  

Specifically, many older women feel more compatible with younger men because these women are still vibrant and open to new experiences and they want men who match their energy, enthusiasm and curiosity about life.  

This is not to say that older men can't be just as energetic, enthusiastic and open to new life experiences. In fact, especially among the Baby Boomer generation, many men are living healthier, more dynamic lives.  But there are fewer older men because women tend to live longer than men.  So, it makes sense that many older women would prefer younger men.

Younger men often say that they prefer older women because they're more mature than younger women.  They say that older women have more life experience than younger women--not just sexual experience, but everyday life experience.  In addition, according to many younger men, older women "know what they want" in life and, as a result, they're generally more confident because they have learned from their life experiences.  

Generally speaking, older women aren't still striving to make it in their careers or worrying about motherhood.  Many of them have already dealt with these issues and they're in the next dynamic phase of their life, all of which makes them more attractive to many younger men.

More about relationships between older women and younger men in my next article.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and EFT therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Many Older Women, Who Were at the Forefront of the Sexual Revolution, Remain Sexually Active

In my previous article, Who Says Older Women Don't Enjoy Sex?, I discussed the results of a research study which, contrary to popular opinion, revealed that many older women in their 50s, 60s and beyond still enjoy sex.  In this article, I'm focusing on the subject of older women, who were at the forefront of the Sexual Revolution, who remain sexually active.

Many Older Women, Who Were at the Forefront of the Sexual Revolution, Remain Sexually Active

Women of the Baby Boomer Generation and the Sexual Revolution
Many people forget that women in the Baby Boomer generation were at the forefront of the sexual revolution in the 1960s and 1970s.  This includes both heterosexual women and lesbians who pioneered the fight against sexism and ageism.

Despite being raised with the conventional wisdom that men should be the ones who pursue women sexually and women's role was to "submit" to men, women from the Baby Boomer generation fought against these standards as part of the Sexual Revolution.

So, why would anyone think that these same women would now go quietly and settle for a life without sex?

It wasn't so long ago that women in their 40s and beyond were considered "sexually obsolete."  And in many ways, this myth still persists.

But despite the stereotype of the older asexual woman, it should be no surprise that many women, who are now in their 50s, 60s, 70s and beyond are still sexually active, and many of them feel freer to enjoy sex more now than when they were younger.

Why Are Many Sexually Active Older Women Enjoying the Best Sex of Their Life?
There are many reasons why these older women are enjoying the best sex of their life, including:

• People are generally living longer and healthier lives these days, which includes older women and men who remain sexually active.
• Older adults, who are living longer lives, now think of life in later years as their "third act," which offers them more options in life.
• Women from the Baby Boomer generation are more likely to talk openly about sex still being important to them.
• Many older women, who continue to work, are now prioritizing a better work-life balance, so they have more time in their personal life for enjoying a healthy sex life.
• Older women, who no longer have responsibilities for taking care of young children, are now freer to pursue sexual activities.
• Older women, who are in their menopausal and post menopausal years, no longer worry about getting pregnant, so they can enjoy sex without this worry, which is present for younger women.
• Last but not least:  Older women are more sexually experienced and many of them know what they enjoy sexually, so they can communicate with their partners about what they desire in the bedroom. This makes sex much more pleasurable for them and their sex partners.

Challenges to Being Sexually Active as an Older Woman
All of these factors mentioned above don't rule out the challenges that some older women have with regard to sex, including: health issues that make sex difficult, an absence of sexual partners, sexual partners with erectile dysfunction, problems with lubrication during intercourse, misconceptions about older people not contracting sexually transmitted diseases, medical doctors who see older women as being asexual and who don't talk to them about their sexual health, and so on.

In future articles I'll continue the discussion about older women and sex.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're feeling overwhelmed by problems that you have been unable to resolve on your own, you could benefit from seeing a licensed psychotherapist.

An experienced psychotherapist can help you to work through problems so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

During the current COVID-19 pandemic, I'm providing teletherapy sessions, also known as telemental health, online therapy and telehealth (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy When You Can't See Your Therapist in Person).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Who Says Older Women Don't Enjoy Sex?

There are a lot of misconceptions about older women and sex, including the myth that older women (50s, 60s and beyond) don't enjoy sex.  But a recent study revealed that this just isn't true. Before the results of this study, common wisdom was that women's desire for sex diminished with age.  This is also the outcome that researchers involved with this study expected to discover (see my article: The Sexual Reawakening of an Older Woman).

Who Says Older Women Don't Enjoy Sex?

But, in fact, what they discovered was that not only do many older women still want to have sex, but the main reasons why some of them don't have sex is because they no longer have a partner or the health or quality of their life isn't good. Despite these issues, many of these women still have a strong sex drive.

As part of the study, which is published in the journal, Menopause, researchers collected information from 27,357 women and followed them for 5-7 years.  The results of the study reveal that 57% of the older women in the study wanted to have more sex--not less.

This doesn't mean that this is the experience of all older women.  For instance, some menopausal and post menopausal women experience a reduction in their sex drive due to hormonal changes.

Who Says Older Women Don't Enjoy Sex?

However, in the past, it was universally assumed that this was the experience of all menopausal and post menopausal women. So, this recent study and others like it have shown that what was once considered common wisdom about older women and sex isn't true.

Use or Lose It: To Maintain a Healthy Sex Life, Being Sexually Active Helps
One of the conclusions of the study is that if older women want to maintain healthy sexual function, being sexually active is important. Researchers concluded that, just like any other part of the body, the "use it or lose it" concept applied to maintaining good sexual function.

So, to maintain good sexual function, remaining sexually active and consistent, if possible, is advisable.

I'll continue to explore the topic of older women and sexual enjoyment in future articles (see my article: Older Women, Who Were at the Forefront of the Sexual Revolution, Remain Sexually Active).

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're having problems with your sex life, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed psychotherapist.

Rather than struggling on your own, an experienced therapist can help you to work through issues you're having about sex.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

During the COVID-19 pandemic, I'm providing teletherapy, which is also called online therapy, telehealth and telemental health.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Theater: Edward Albee's Play - Three Tall Women: Three Perspectives From Three Stages of a Life

In Edward Albee's autobiographical two-act play, Three Tall Women, the protagonist, who is referred to as A, is represented at three different stages of her life.

Three Perspectives From Three Stages of a Life

In the first act, the three women are shown as three separate women:

• A: the protagonist, is a 92 year old woman suffering with dementia and physical challenges 

• B: is A's 52 year old caretaker

• C: is a 26 year old lawyer sent from A's law firm who has come to A's home to help straighten out A's financial matters which are in disarray because A forgets to pay her bills

Act One
The play doesn't really have a plot.  Instead, it has several themes.

The main themes of the play are aging, mortality, gender, and family relationships. These themes are presented in the first act with A reminiscing about when she was young, her relationships with her sister and mother, her relationship with her husband, and the days when she won awards for horseback riding (see my article: Making Peace With the Aging Process).

Even though A struggles with her memory, she talks almost non-stop about her youth and the early days of her marriage.  Even though she wasn't in love with her wealthy husband, she remembers her life as having some happy times, despite her husband's philandering with other women.

A also talks about her son and the conflicts they had about his homosexuality, which led to their 20 year estrangement.  In Act One, even though she is still opposed to her son being gay, she also misses him and wonders why he doesn't come to visit her more often and, when he comes, why he doesn't stay longer (see my article: Dealing With Homophobia in Your Family).

Her caretaker, B, is compassionate, although she is also weary of taking care of A.  She tries to soothe A when she is upset about her faltering memory and her problematic relationship with her son.  But C, the young attorney, is impatient with A.  She gets annoyed with A's vanity when A tries to say she is 91 and not 92.

A reminisces about her mother and how they had a good relationship with when A was a young girl.  But by the time her mother is older and she moves in with A, their relationship changed.  Her mother resents that she is old and frail, and A believes her mother hated and resented her at that point.

By the end of Act One, as A reminisces about those later difficult days with her mother, she has a stroke, and B and C are contact the doctor and A's son.

Act Two
In Act Two, A, B, and C are now aspects of the protagonist--A, at different stages of her life: her youth, her middle-age years, and her final years.

The aspect of A who had the stroke is on her death bed with an oxygen mask, and her son sits silently on the bed next to her stroking her hand.

The aspect of A who is up and walking around is no longer frail or demented.  She has her full faculties and she's talking to the younger aspects of herself, B and C.

C, who is 26, is still optimistic about her life.  She is hoping that the best times in her life are yet to come.  But when she hears B, who is 52, and A, who is 92, tell her about what's to come in her future, she's ambivalent about hearing it.  Part of her wants to know, but another part of her is horrified.  She can't believe that she will change so much between her youth and old age.  She also can't believe that she will alienate her only son later on in her life.  She vows that she will never become like B and A.

B is somewhat jaded about life, but she believes she is living the best part of her life now in her middle age with much of the hardships behind her.  But when she looks at the aspect of A on her death bed and the aspect of A in front of her, who is telling her what's to come in her life, she is also ambivalent about hearing about it.

A watches the aspect of herself lying in a coma on her death bed as her son sits with her--the same son who left and stayed away for 20 years because she couldn't tolerate his homosexuality.  Although he would really be middle aged when she is dying, she sees him as he appeared on the day he left the household when he was a young man.

At the end of the play, A faces the audience and tells them that the best time in her life is now--at the end of her life.  She says that as her life is ending, it's the happiest moment of her life.

Some Thoughts About the Play
As I mentioned, it's generally acknowledged that Three Tall Women is an autobiographical play.  Edward Albee was adopted by a wealthy couple who moved him from one private school to another.  From what I've read, it appears that he wasn't close to his adopted parents, who were so different from him.

Just as the son in Three Tall Women was estranged from his mother for 20 years because she couldn't accept his homosexuality, Edward Albee was also estranged from his mother because of their conflicts about his being gay.

It appears that, even though they reconnected, they never talked about their conflicts, and he wasn't close to his mother.  In the play, A states that he came back to see her, but he never returned to see his father or to attend his father's funeral.

The protagonist's self states from different stages in her life communicate with each other and each provides a unique perspective of A from different points of view in her life.  She is reviewing her life from her youth, middle age and at the end of her life.

Mortality, one of the main themes of this thought-provoking play, is viewed from these different perspectives.

Being in the audience, you can't help think about your life at whatever stage you're in and how you're living your life.  You also become aware that life is short so, while there's still time to change, you can ask yourself how you want to live your life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

My specialties include: 

• Trauma
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Relationship issues
• Career issues
• Bereavement and loss
• LGBT issues
• Substance abuse aftercare
• Major life changes

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Focusing on Your Inner Self is More Effective to Overcome Shame Than Focusing on Your Outer Looks

Although most people aren't aware of it, shame is often at the root of many emotional problems (see my article: Healing Shame in Psychotherapy and Overcoming Shame That Keeps You From Starting Therapy).  Many people focus exclusively on their appearance, in an attempt to overcome shame.  While it might help to a certain extent to deal with external issues, shame is usually deeply rooted and without getting to the root of the problem internally, it's difficult to overcome shame that's having a negative effect on your life.

Focusing on Your Inner Self is More Effective to Overcome Shame Than Only Focusing on Your Outer Looks

People often associate shame with external issues, like their appearance.  As result, they try to overcome their shame by trying to deal with these external issues alone rather than looking within themselves to discover the internal roots of their shame.

While it would be helpful, for example, to lose weight for health reasons and it might to feel better, when someone feels ashamed of themselves, focusing only on his or her appearance usually doesn't get to the root of the problem.

Our culture, which glorifies youth and beauty, tends to shame middle aged and older men and woman, especially women.  As a result, women tend to be more susceptible to feeling shamed of themselves as they are.

For instance, older women often complain in therapy about feeling "invisible" in a world that elevates youth and denigrates aging.  And, while it's probably true that not as many people are admiring a woman who is older, as compared to when she was younger, it is also probably true that how she feels about herself and what she projects to the world contributes to this feeling of invisibility (see my article: Making Peace With the Aging Process).

The solution that many people seek, especially women, is to seek products or surgical procedures, like face lifts and breast augmentation as a way of feeling less ashamed of how they're aging.

But these products and procedures usually only give temporary, if any, relief from shame. They  reinforce the idea that you're not alright the way you are and you need to continue to make changes to your outer appearance in order to feel better about yourself.

Fictional Clinical Vignette 

Focusing on Your Inner Self is More Effective to Overcome Shame Than Focusing on Your Outer Looks
The following fictional vignette illustrates these points:

Cindy
Cindy started therapy because she was suffering with debilitating shame.

A year before she sought help from a psychotherapist, Cindy contemplated having a face lift because she couldn't stand looking in the mirror and seeing that her facial skin was sagging.

But after she discussed it with her husband, who still found Cathy to be beautiful, and considering the risks of surgery, she decided against plastic surgery.

Then, Cindy focused on losing weight, even though her doctor told her that she didn't need to lose weight for health reasons.  She thought she would feel better about herself if she lost 10 pounds.  But after she lost 10 pounds, she still felt ashamed of herself.

Next, she attempted temporary non-surgical procedures and creams to firm up her facial skin.  Although the procedure combined with the weight loss reduced the appearance of sagging skin, Cindy still felt deeply ashamed and it was affecting her personal life as well as her career.

She felt so unattractive that she no longer wanted to have sex with her husband, even though he still thought she was attractive and sexy.  No amount of reassurance from her husband helped, and after a while, they began to argue about the lack of sexual intimacy in their marriage (see my article: Have You and Your Spouse Stopped Having Sex?).

At work, she no longer liked to go out on sales calls because she assumed that her customers would prefer to see a young, attractive salesperson rather than an older woman.  As a result, she was making fewer sales visits to customers and this reduced her compensation.  Her boss also complained and told her that she needed to have more customer contact to bring in business.

Not knowing what else to do, Cindy saw her medical doctor to seek advice, and he recommended that Cindy attend psychotherapy.

Cindy told her new psychotherapist that, as far back as she could remember, even when she was a child, she felt ashamed of herself.  But after she went into menopause, she felt increasingly unattractive and ashamed.

Her therapist asked Cindy about her family background and she described parents who were highly critical of Cindy and her siblings.  Her mother, who suffered from low self esteem herself, was especially critical of Cindy, who looked a lot like her mother.

Cindy explained to her therapist that her mother often criticized Cindy for how she looked--her weight, her clothes, her posture and overall demeanor.

In hindsight, Cindy realized that her mother was also highly self critical. Her mother criticized Cindy for all the things she felt self conscious about herself.  Looking back on it, Cindy recognized that her mother was projecting her own insecurities and shame onto Cindy.  But as a child, she felt defenseless against the onslaught of criticism.

Cindy told her therapist that, by the time she turned 18, "I blossomed from an ugly duckling into a very attractive young woman."  Feeling attractive, she felt more self confident, especially after she went away to college and no longer heard her mother's criticism on a daily basis.

In college, Cindy overcame her shyness as she became aware that she was sexually attractive to men.  This also made her feel more confident around men, especially after she became sexual.

After she graduated college, she met the man who eventually became her husband.  She said he was "head over heels about me when we first started dating."  She indicated that, even now, he continued to tell her that he thought she was beautiful and sexy, but she didn't believe it, especially when she looked in the mirror.

Looking back on her life, Cindy realized that most of her self confidence was based on her appearance so that as she got older, her confidence began to falter again, just as it did when she felt like "an ugly duckling" as a child.

When she was younger, even though she did well in college and she was told by her professors that she was intelligent, she assumed that her looks were what got her by.  And now that she was older, she felt like she had nothing to offer.

"I know this sounds shallow, "Cindy said to her therapist, "but it's how I was raised and what I have believed for all my life.  But now these feelings are threatening to ruin my marriage and my career, so I know I need to do something to overcome them."

Cindy's psychotherapist provided Cindy with psychoeducation about shame and how traumatic her parents' criticism of her were when she was younger.  She also provided psychoeducation about how psychotherapy could help (see my article: Why It's Important For Psychotherapists to Provide Clients With Psychoeducation About How Psychotherapy Works).

The therapist explained that Cindy internalized her mother's criticism and her mother's own shame and this was traumatic.  She recommended that they focus the therapy on overcoming this early trauma.

Using EMDR therapy, over time, Cindy and her therapist worked on helping her to overcome the shame that was instilled in her at an early age (see my articles: How EMDR Works: Part 1: EMDR and the Brain and How EMDR Works: Part 2: Overcoming Trauma).

Gradually, Cindy became aware that not only was she still attractive but, more important than that, she had much more to offer than looks--she had intelligence, generosity, warmth and creativity.

Focusing on Your Inner Self is More Effective to Overcome Shame Than Focusing Only on Your Outer Looks

Eventually, Cindy began to feel sexual again and she and her husband went on vacation to rekindle their relationship.  She also felt more confident about making sales visits to her customers, which increased her compensation

Conclusion:
Many people use their looks to try to boost their confidence and compensate for their shame.  But looks change, so they are not a reliable source for overcoming shame.

Overcoming shame requires deeper work into the root of the shame.

Shame often begins early in life and usually has a traumatic source.

Getting Help in Psychotherapy
Working through the source of the trauma in psychotherapy usually helps you to overcome shame that is having a negative impact on our life (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

If shame and trauma are having a negative impact on your life, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Experiential therapy, like EMDR, Somatic Experiencing and clinical hypnosis are usually an effective way to overcome shame as opposed to regular talk therapy (see my article: Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs and EMDR Therapy When Talk Therapy Isn't Enough).

If you're experiencing the negative effects of shame and emotional trauma, rather than suffering on your own, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed psychotherapist who is skilled at experiential therapy and helping clients to overcome shame and trauma.

Once you have overcome the shame and trauma that are creating obstacles in your life, you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am a trauma-informed psychotherapist, and one of my specialties is helping clients to overcome shame and trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Obsessions About the "One Who Got Away"

Many people, especially people who are middle aged, obsess about their first love, the "one who got away."  Even if they're happy in their current relationship, it's not unusual for people to ruminate about an old love and think how much better life would be if they were still with their "first love."

Relationships: Obsessing About the "One Who Got Away"

In these fantasies about an old love, people tend to think that they would have had the ideal relationship with that former girlfriend or boyfriend.

Before the advent of social media, these fantasies would usually remain just that-fantasies.

Romantic Fantasies About the "One Who Got Away"

But now with so many different ways to reconnect with former friends and lovers, many people, even people who are already relationships, are making an effort to try to find their old love to reconnect with them and start over (see my article: Relationships: Romantic Reconnections).

Even if someone doesn't make an effort to reconnect with an old love, s/he can remain stuck in old memories and fantasies about what "could have been" if the relationship hadn't ended.

If there is an existing relationship, the current spouse or partner usually can't live up to the ideal fantasies about the old love.

Romantic Fantasies About the "One Who Got Away"

These fantasies usually don't include the mundane aspects of life, like taking out the garbage, paying bills or looking at your spouse snoring while asleep.  They're usually romantic fantasies where life is blissful without a care.

Even if the person who is obsessing about an old love isn't in a relationship, these fantasies can keep him or her from finding someone to be with who could be a real partner and not a fantasy.

The following fictionalized vignette is an example of how obsessions about an old love can affect relationship and how therapy can help:

Dan
Dan and his wife, Marie, were married for almost 15 years.

As Dan approached his 40th birthday, he started going through his old college pictures and he found pictures of his former girlfriend, Karen.

When he saw her pictures, he remembered how beautiful she was and how in love with her he had been.

Relationships: Obsessing About the "One Who Got Away"

They had dated for three years in college and they were almost always together.  Everyone, including Dan, assumed that they would get married after college.

Then, as graduation approached, Karen decided that, rather than taking an apartment with Dan in NYC, as they had planned, she wanted to go back home to California for a while.

Dan remembered being shocked and heart broken, and he was even more heart broken when Karen told him that she wanted to be free to date other men.

On their last day at college, they stayed up all night and watched the sun rise.  They were both crying, knowing that they would miss each other.

Dan tried to convince Karen to change her mind, but she told him that she needed to be sure about him, and she wanted to date other  people before she made a lifetime commitment to be with him.

She told him that she doubted that she would meet anyone that she would care about as much as him, and she would probably call him after a while and tell him that she regretted ever moving away from him.  But, she said, for now she needed to be free.

Seeing Karen's pictures after all of these years brought back all those memories.

Relationships: Obsessing About the "One Who Got Away"

He remembered that after college graduation, at first, they talked on the phone everyday and told each other how much they missed each other.

Dan told Karen that it was crazy for them to be separated and she should just come live with him in New York.  No matter how she explained it to him, he couldn't understand why she wasn't with him.

Then, after a while, Karen wasn't calling him or returning his calls as often.

At first, when he questioned her about it, she denied that she met anyone new.  But, as he persisted to question her, she admitted that she was dating someone that she really liked, and Dan was devastated.

At that point, Karen told him that she thought it would better for them not to talk on the phone anymore.  She told him that she would write to him and let him know what she decided.  She also encouraged Dan to date other women, which he had not done until then.  No amount of pleading with her would change her mind.

Dan heard from Karen a couple of months later that she was in a serious relationship with this other man and she didn't think it would be right for her to keep communicating with Dan.  She told him in her letter how much she had loved him in the past, but she knew that there was something missing from their relationship and she found it with this other man.

In a fit of rage, Dan tore up her letter and everything that he found of hers.  But, somehow, he never found these pictures, until now.

He never heard from Karen again, but he heard from mutual friends that she got married a year later to the man she was dating when she last communicated with Dan.  Then, he lost contact with their mutual friends and he didn't hear about her anymore.

Dan wasn't unhappy in his marriage, but sometimes he felt bored.

By the time he met Marie, he and Karen had been broken up for a few years.  The first couple of years, his relationship with Marie was loving and passionate.  But after several years, their life settled down into a predictable routine.

One of things that he loved about Karen was that she was so adventurous and open to new experiences.    When they were together, they would talk about all the places that they would travel to after college graduation and what their dream house would be like.  He always felt happy around her.

Relationships: Obsessing About the "One Who Got Away"

Even though he had not thought about Karen for several years before he found her picture, he was obsessing about her now.

He would go to sleep wondering what her life was like and if she ever thought about him.  He would have dreams about their days together in college.  He had a dream that he called her after all these years, and she told him that she regretted ever breaking up with him.

Relationships: Obsessing About the "One Who Got Away" 

In one of his dreams, he flew to California, reconnected with Karen and left Marie.  When he woke up, he felt disoriented.  When he saw Marie lying next to him, he felt partly relieved and partly disappointed.

Although Dan told Marie early on about his relationship with Karen, Dan didn't tell Marie now about finding Karen's picture.  But Marie sensed that something was wrong because Dan seemed so distracted when he was around her.  When she asked him about it, he made up an excuse and went out for a walk.

Dan felt that his obsessive thoughts were becoming overwhelming, especially since he was thinking more and more about trying to contact Karen.

The thought of contacting her made him feel excited and scared at the same time.  He didn't know what he would say to her or if she would even talk to him.

In his fantasies, she would be thrilled to hear from him, but he also knew that she might think it was very strange to hear from him all these years later.

Relationships: Obsessing About the "One Who Got Away"

Dan looked Karen up online one day and found her address in San Francisco.  He tried to see if she had a Facebook page, but he couldn't find one.  He told himself that he was just curious but, on some level, Dan knew that he was becoming more and more obsessed.

One night over dinner, when Marie was talking to him, he realized that he hadn't heard a word that she had said.  At first, he felt embarrassed, but then when he saw the hurt look on his face, he felt sad and guilty.

Marie asked him if he was having an affair.  When he told her no, he felt like he was lying, and she looked suspicious and hurt.  She asked him why he had been looking so distracted lately, and he lied to her and told her that he didn't know.

That night when they were in bed and Marie approached him, he knew that he wasn't in the mood to make love to her, but he didn't dare say no.  The only way that he was able to make love to her was by thinking about how passionately he used to make love to Karen.

Afterwards, Marie looked happy, cuddled in his arms and told him how much she loved him.  But Dan felt guilty and like a fraud.  He knew he needed help before he ruined his marriage.

He found a psychotherapist through his doctor and made an appointment for that week.

After he explained his situation and his therapist told him that his experience was common, he felt relieved.

Then, he and his therapist began exploring the underlying reasons why Dan was obsessing about Karen.  He knew, logically, that he had not thought about her in several years, but his feelings were so strong now.

His therapist helped him to understand that his feelings were based on memories and he was reliving his experiences with Karen in his mind.  Even though the emotions felt were very powerful now, they were related to memories and fantasies.  In reality, Dan didn't know what being with Karen would be like now.

He also knew that he loved Marie and he didn't want to leave her.

Then, he and his therapist talked about how he felt about his upcoming 40th birthday, and Dan slumped in his chair.  He soon realized that his fantasies about his time with Karen were mostly about being young and in love during an earlier time in his life that was carefree and exciting.

Instead of obsessing about Karen, Dan decided to work on his marriage.

He and Marie began traveling and doing some of the things that they had always wanted to do and were always putting them off.  He was thrilled to discover that Marie was open to new experiences, and he felt closer to her than he had felt in a long time.

Working on Your Relationship

Dan continued to work in therapy on his fears about getting old and all that this entailed.

In the meantime, he and Marie rekindled their relationship and his thoughts about Karen faded back into his memory.

Getting Help in Therapy
Having fantasies about an old love isn't unusual, but if these thoughts are getting in the way of your current life and you can't put them into perspective for yourself, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who can help you to discover the underlying reasons for your fantasies so you can take steps to get your life back.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.