Why Are Some "Nice Guys" Friend-Zoned?

As children, we're taught to be nice to others.

Being a nice or agreeable person is also rewarded in other settings. For instance, young children's report cards often cite agreeableness as a valued trait: "Johnny plays well with other children" or "Sara shares her toys with her classmates" and so on.

Being  Performatively"Nice" to Hide Certain Aspects of a Personality

People who are genuinely agreeable come across as open, authentic and trustworthy with good communication skills, healthy boundaries and a real interest in other people. They have no hidden agenda.

Why Are Some "Nice Guys" Friend-Zoned?

But there are people who are "nice" in a performative way to hide certain aspects of their personality. These are often the people who get friend-zoned because others can sense their behavior is really about people-pleasing to mask parts of their personality.

These people have such problems showing others who they really are that their behavior becomes performative as a defense against showing their true self. Instead, they come across as fake, which also known as a false self.

Their behavior can range from insecure, lacking in confidence and non-assertiveness to passive aggressive behavior.

Clinical Vignette

The following vignette is a composite of many different cases:

Larry

By the time Larry started therapy at age 35, he felt hopeless about ever being in a relationship.

He had gone out with a few women, usually for only one or two dates, but he had never been in a committed relationship.

His dating history started in his senior year of college when a woman he liked, Sara, asked him out to lunch. 

Sara was friendly and outgoing and she had many friends at college. There were many young men in college who were attracted to her, but she wasn't exclusive with anyone when she asked Larry to go for lunch.

Larry was surprised that Sara asked him out. He considered Sara to be the type of woman who would never be interested in him.

Soon after Sara's invitation, Larry's usual insecurities came up. He feared she wouldn't find him interesting--even though they had a lot in common. He also feared if she got to know him, she wouldn't like him (see my article: Overcoming the Fear That People Won't Like You If They Get to Know You).

As a result, Larry had such a lack of self confidence that he felt he had to be extra nice to Sara on their date. He agreed with everything she said and he went out of his way to do whatever she wanted to do. 

Why Are Some "Nice Guys" Friend-Zoned?

After they went to lunch a couple of times, Larry was disappointed that Sara was confiding in him like a friend. She even asked him for advice about how to handle a romantic situation about another guy.

When Larry talked to his friend, Ed about this, Ed told him, "You've been friend-zoned. Does she even know you're interested in her?"

In response, Larry told Ed that he couldn't see how Sara wouldn't know because he was bending over backwards to be nice to her.  Ed seemed skeptical, "But have you even flirted with her or told her you're attracted to her?"

Larry wasn't sure how to tell Sara he liked her, so he kept putting it off.  Then, weeks later, she told him she was interested in another young man at their college, John. When Larry heard her gush about John, he felt crushed and, eventually, he felt angry and resentful.

A few months later, Sara told Larry that she and John were getting an apartment together off campus. Larry felt his heart sink. 

Then, Sara said, "Before I met John, I really had a crush on you, but I never got the vibe from you that you were interested."

Larry remained silent, but he was shocked.

Now, at the age of 35, he told his therapist that this was his usual experience with women and he couldn't understand why this was happening to him, "I'm so nice to them and they don't appreciate it. Maybe they prefer guys who aren't nice."

Larry's therapist helped him to see that what he described as "nice" was really his way of hiding parts of his personality, including his erotic self, and that the women he dated didn't know he was interested in them because he suppressed his erotic self (see my articles: What is Eroticism? and What is Your Erotic Blueprint - Part 1 and Part 2).

They did Parts Work Therapy to help Larry explore the different aspects of his personality that he disliked so much and he tried to keep them hidden (see my article: How Does Parts Work Therapy, Like IFS and Ego States Therapy, Help You to Get to Know Yourself?)

The work in therapy was neither quick nor easy, especially since Larry had so much shame.

Over time, Larry practiced self compassion and self acceptance and this helped to boost his self confidence with women.

After he learned to be attuned to his own eroticism and he allowed that part of himself to emerge when he was interested in a woman, his romantic and sex life improved.

Conclusion

Being nice (or agreeable) can be a positive trait when it's genuine.

But when being "nice" is a defense against showing your true self, other people can sense that the agreeableness is performative and it comes across as being fake.  This is one of the reasons why many men get friend-zoned by women.

In the vignette above, Larry lacked self confidence and he was out of touch with his erotic self, so women he was interested in didn't even know it. They assumed he wasn't interested in them. 

But once he overcame his shame, developed self confidence and he became attuned to his own eroticism, he was able to allow this part of himself to emerge so that women knew he was interested in them and he was no longer friend-zoned.

There can be many different reasons why people, knowingly or unknowingly, hide parts of themselves with the result that they come across as fake.

Parts Work Therapy and other types of Experiential Therapy can help you to become more attuned to your true self so that you come across as more genuine.

Aside from Parts Work Therapy, other types of Experiential Therapy that can help include:

• EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing

• Somatic Experiencing

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

Getting Help in Experiential Therapy

If you're struggling with lack of confidence and you think you might be hiding aspects of your personality, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who does Parts Work Therapy or another form of Experiential Therapy.

Learning to attune to yourself and feeling confident enough to show your authentic self can help you to have a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Sexual Self Esteem?

Most people are familiar with the concept of self esteem, which is how you see yourself in terms of deserving love and being capable of handling life's many challenges.

Sexual Self Esteem

As it turns out, self esteem affects every area of your life:

• How you feel about yourself
• What you feel you deserve
• How lovable/unlovable you feel
• Whether you get into healthy or unhealthy relationships
• What career choices you make
• How you feel about yourself sexually

What is Sexual Self Esteem?

We are all sexual beings.

Sexual Self Esteem

Sexual self esteem includes: 

• How sexually attuned you are to your body

• Whether your relationship to your body is positive, negative or a mix

• Your openness to sexual self discovery

• Whether you see yourself as a sexually appealing individual

• Whether you believe you deserve a satisfying and enjoyable sex life

• Whether you feel sexually confident

• How capable you feel about giving yourself sexual pleasure during solo sex/masturbation

• How much sexual confidence you feel when you're having sex with your sexual partner(s)

• Whether you make healthy sexual choices, which is part of high sexual self esteem, or poor sexual choices, which is part of low sexual self esteem.  

What Factors Affect Your Sexual Self Esteem?

Your sexual self esteem can be affected by:

• What your psychological and emotional history in your family of origin

• Whether you were taught that you are a lovable, capable person who deserves to be happy

• What your sexual developmental history was including, among other things:
• How you learned about sex and what you were taught

• What you were taught about your sexuality and your body

• Whether sexual boundaries in your family and with others were healthy or unhealthy

• Whether you were sexually, physically or emotionally abused

• What you experienced in your prior sexual and romantic relationships

• Whether or not you had positive experiences in your first romantic and sexual relationships 
  
  
• Other related issues

How Does Your Self Esteem Affect Your Sexuality?

• Your Sexual Choices: People with high sexual esteem usually make positive choices, and people with low sexual self esteem often make poor choices. An example of a poor choice might be going along with a sexual partner's wish not to practice safe sex when you really wanted to be safe.

• Self Confidence: You're more likely to have a satisfying sex life when your self confidence is high.  This includes both solo sex and partner sex.

• Body Image: Whereas having high sexual self esteem allows you to generally have a positive regard for your body, having low sexual self esteem can make you feel self conscious about your body image.

Sexual Self Esteem Can Change Over the Course of Your Life

Sexual self esteem can change over time--from negative to positive as well as from positive to negative.

Most of us are bombarded by images and concepts on social media, magazines, television and other outside sources about what is considered beautiful or sexy, which leads to unhealthy comparisons.

Sexual Self Esteem and the Aging Process

The aging process can be a positive or a negative factor in terms of sexual self esteem.  If a person derives their sexual self confidence based on sources outside him or herself, their sexual self confidence can suffer, especially if they allow negative concepts about aging and attractiveness to affect them.

Sexual Self Esteem and the Aging Process

Being able to maintain a positive self regard for your inner qualities as well as cherishing your body and overall sexuality will help you to develop and maintain a high degree of sexual self esteem.

Developing Healthy Sexual Self Esteem

There are steps you can take on your own to bolster your sexual self esteem, including

• Monitoring your internal dialogue about yourself and being aware of negative self talk

• Keeping a journal to express how you feel about yourself sexually

• Being aware of peak erotic experiences that gave you sexual pleasure--whether they were alone or with partners

• Educating yourself about sexuality through books, podcasts or other forms of healthy sex education

• Developing an awareness of your erotic orientation

• Developing an awareness of your erotic blueprint

• Understanding your sexual turn-ons and turn-offs alone and with partners

• Getting to know your emotional aphrodisiacs

• Being aware of what you're willing and unwilling to do sexually and being able to communicate that to sexual partners

• Focusing on sexual pleasure and not sexual performance both in solo sex and in partner sex

When to Seek Help in Sex Therapy

If you have been unable to increase your sexual confidence on your own with self help techniques, you could benefit from help in sex therapy.

Sex therapy is a form of psychotherapy, also known as talk therapy, where the sex therapist focuses on the sexual issues of individuals and people in relationships. 

There is no physical exam, nudity or physical touch involved in sex therapy (see my articles: What is Sex Therapy? and Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy).

You deserve to have a fulfilling sex life.

You can free yourself of the obstacles that are keeping you from having a fulfilling sex life when you work with a skilled sex therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Power of Novelty to Enhance Sexual Desire in Your Relationship

A common complaint from individuals in long term relationships is sexual boredom (see my article: What is Sexual Boredom in a Long Term Relationship?).

The Power of Novelty to Enhance Sexual Desire in Your Relationship

Even couples who are still having sex will often admit in couples therapy that, even though they're sexual with their partner, they're not enjoying it--they're just going through the motions (see my article: Do You Remember What It Was Like to Have Fun in Your Relationship?).

How the Power of Novelty Enhances Your Sex Life

During the initial stage of a relationship when you and your partner are clicking sexually, sex is exciting.  You find yourself often thinking about your partner and anticipating the next time you'll see each other and have sex.

If you each develop stronger romantic and sexual feelings for each other, your attachment to one another increases and love blossoms (see my article: The 5 Stages of a Relationship: From Attraction to Commitment).

The Power of Novelty to Enhance Sexual Desire in Your Relationship

Unfortunately, over time, as new relationship energy decreases, familiarity grows, sexual desire isn't as exciting as it once was and sexual boredom can develop.

Where there is trust and emotional safety in a stable relationship, sexual desire can be enhanced by introducing novelty, excitement and adventure if both people are open to it.  

Rather than being complacent and just passively accepting sexual boredom, couples who are willing to introduce at least one new thing every month or so, tend to have more sexual satisfaction (see my article: Keeping the Spark Alive in Your Relationship).

Why Does Novelty Enhance Sexual Desire?

Sexual novelty increases dopamine, which enhances sexual desire--assuming you're both consenting and enthusiastic about it (see my articles: What is Your Erotic Blueprint - Part 1 and Part 2).

Whether you're introducing new aspects to your sex life or finding new ways to engage in what has become familiar, novelty can reignite sexual passion and keep your relationship feeling fresh and exciting.

Introducing Novelty With a Partner Who Might Be Reticent

It's not unusual for there to be one partner who is more sexually adventurous and ready to try all kinds of new things to spice up their sex life while the other partner is more cautious (see my article: Tips on How to Start a Conversation With Your Partner About Your Sexual Desires and Getting to Know Your Own and Your Partner's Sexual Accelerators and Brakes to Improve Your Sex Life).

For the person who is more cautious and hesitant about trying new things, suggestions from the more adventurous partner can feel threatening.  

There might also be sexual desire discrepancy issues in the relationship where one partner wants to be sexual more often than the other (see my article: What is Sexual Desire Discrepancy? and Overcoming Sexual Desire Discrepancy).

If the more cautious person is insecure, they might think these suggestions mean their partner isn't satisfied with them or doesn't love them anymore (as opposed to other partner just wanting to enhance passion).

So, in these instances, it's a good idea for the more adventurous partner to be patient and start with non-sexual activities first, especially if other aspects of the overall relationship have become routine.

This could include trying new non-sexual activities the two of you don't already do, like:

• Hiking
• Working out at the gym together (certain exercises can be sexually arousing, like core, cardio, pelvic thrust and so on)
• Watching an erotic movie
• Going to a new romantic restaurant
• Traveling to a new and exciting destination
• Finding ways to introduce humor (laughing increases dopamine)

As you and your partner experiment with new non-sexual activities, all other things being equal, the two of you might be more willing to explore new areas in your sex life.

Exploring Novel Ways to Enhance Sexual Desire

Once you're both willing to explore new areas in your sex life, you can start by talking about your sexual fantasies (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2, and What Are Emotional Aphrodisiacs?).

The Power of Novelty to Enhance Sexual Desire in Your Relationship

Even if you never intend to engage in these fantasies in real life, when the two of you imagine and talk about them, you can both get turned on (see my article: What Are the 4 Cornerstones of Eroticism?).

Keep it fun and find ways to laugh together (remember the connection between laughter and dopamine).  

If you and your partner are open to it, you can introduce the element of surprise.  This might include:

• Using a new sex toy
• Being playful in a fun way
• Watching porn that you and your partner both enjoy
• Enhancing sexual satisfaction by using"edging" during oral sex.  This means engaging in cycles of sexual stimulation almost to the point of orgasm, stopping and then starting again to build to a more intense orgasm.
• Exploring kink or BDSM (see my articles: What is Power Play? and Destigmatizing Fantasies of Power and Submission).

Bring Back Courtship Into Your Relationship

If you're in a long term relationship, you and your partner might have stopped engaging in the courtship behavior that initially brought you together and made each of you feel loved.

When you were in the early stage of your relationship, you were probably excited about getting to know each other, including getting to know each other sexually.  

Even though you might be together a long time, there are often new things to get to know and explore about your partner.  So, keep an open mind to the possibility there can still be things you don't know that you might find exciting about your partner and vice versa.

Being flirtatious with each other, including:

• Complimenting your partner and making them feel special
• Touching your partner in a tender way at a time when your partner is receptive to it
• Giving your partner a peck on the lips
• Leaving a flirtatious note under your partner's pillow or on the bathroom mirror

Conclusion

Sexual boredom can take its toll and it can erode a relationship.

Being willing to explore new and exciting ways to introduce sexual novelty into your relationship--no matter how long you've been together--shows that you care, you value your partner and you value your relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?)

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Your Erotic Blueprint? Part 2

In Part 1 of this topic, I gave a basic description of the erotic blueprint based on Dr. Esther Perel's book, Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence.  In this second article about the erotic blueprint, I'm providing a clinical vignette to help illustrate the dynamics involved  in a particular case and how therapy can help (see my article: The Paradox of Love and Sexual Desire in a Committed Relationship).

Overcoming Sexual Problems Related to Your Erotic Blueprint

To recap briefly from the prior article: What gives you sexual pleasure and how you learned to love is derived from the impact of your relationship with your caregivers, including:

• How did you learn to experience pleasure (or not)?
• Did you learn to trust others?
• Did you parents monitor your emotional needs or were you expected to monitor theirs?
• Were you able to turn to your parents for protection or did you have to flee from them to protect yourself?
• Were you rejected?
• Were you humiliated?
• Were you abandoned?
• Were you held, rocked and soothed by your parents?
• Did you learn not to expect too much from your parents?
• Did you learn to hide when you were upset?
• Did you learn it's okay to thrive when others might be hurt by your thriving?
• How did you learn to feel about your body?
• How did you learn to feel about your sexuality?
• How did you learn to feel about your gender?
• What did you learn about opening up (or shutting down) emotionally?
• What did you learn about being daring or being afraid?

All of these experiences shape your beliefs about yourself and others.  They also affect what you expect from others, including what you expect in romantic relationships.  

Clinical Vignette: 

The following vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information eliminated:

Tom

Tom, who was in his early 40s, sought help in therapy because he had a long history of erectile dysfunction.  

As part of the history taking to determine the problem, his therapist asked him if he had problems with erectile dysfunction when he masturbated.  Tom responded that he never had problems while masturbating.  He said his problems occurred in all his sexual relationships with romantic partners.

At that point in time, Tom was in a six month relationship with his girlfriend, Marie, and his erectile dysfunction was an ongoing problem.  Although he knew that Marie was patient and compassionate, Tom wanted to resolve the problem before it led to the demise of this relationship.  

Prior to therapy, his medical doctor had already ruled out any physical problems, so his doctor suggested that Tom seek help in therapy for what appeared to be an  underlying psychological problem.

When Tom and his therapist discussed his early childhood history, Tom said he had a very close relationship with his mother, but his relationship with his father was distant because his father was away on business much of the time.  Even when his father was home, he was emotionally distant.  

As an only child, Tom was often home alone with his mother, who was very depressed.  He explained that he considered her to be a good mother.  But he was very aware, even as a young child, that his mother was unhappy, and he spent a lot of time trying to find ways to make her happy (see my article: Children's Roles in Dysfunctional Families).

As a child, he worked hard to get good grades in school to please his mother.  He also made cards and gifts for her during arts and crafts in elementary school to cheer her up.  But although his good grades and thoughtful gifts pleased her momentarily, his mother would often spend whole days in bed because she was too depressed to get up.  

Whenever his mother stayed in bed, Tom would try to entertain her with jokes and funny characters to cheer her up.  In response, she would compliment him for being a "good boy." But he sensed he had little impact when he tried to change her mood, and this made him sad and frustrated (see my article: Shame and Enmeshed Families).

As he got older and he developed friendships in the neighborhood, Tom felt torn whenever his friends came to get him to play baseball or go to the movies.  On the one hand, he wanted to have fun with his friends but, on the other hand, he felt his mother needed him.  

Although his mother encouraged him to go out, Tom sensed that her encouragement was only halfhearted and she really wanted him to stay with her because she was lonely.  

When Tom turned 40, his mother died suddenly from a heart attack.  Shortly after that, he realized he had foregone a lot of pleasure in his life in order to focus on his mother.  

In hindsight, he also realized that, over time, his mother's disapproval of all his girlfriends throughout his 20s and 30s contributed to the end of those relationships because he felt compelled to please his mother (see my article:  Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families and People Pleasing).

He told his therapist that he began seeing Marie shortly after his mother died, but he couldn't help feeling that his mother probably would've disapproved of Marie as well.

His mother always wanted a traditional, quiet woman for Tom, but Marie was anything but traditional and quiet.  She was unconventional and outspoken, and she was assertive in promoting her business.

Although he loved Marie, he felt conflicted to be with someone he knew his mother wouldn't have approved of for him.  His divided loyalty between his girlfriend and his deceased mother made being present during sex difficult, which contributed to his erectile dysfunction.  

Intellectually, he had enough insight to know he needed to live his life without worrying about being loyal to his deceased mother, but on an emotional level, he felt torn--similar to how he felt as a child when he was in conflict about staying with his mother and going out with his friends.

His therapist suggested that they do Parts Work therapy so he could give voice to each of the parts of himself that were in conflict (see my article: Parts Work Therapy Helps to Empower You).

When his adult self imagined looking at his younger self (the same child self who wanted to please his mother), he felt a deep sense of sadness come over him.

 

For the first time in his life, Tom realized on an emotional level just how impossible it had been for him to be a child trying to please his mother.

As part of his healing process, Tom experienced grief and self compassion for the first time for the child he had been.  And, also for the first time, he felt anger and resentment towards his father, who was so emotionally absent even when he was at home.  

Looking back on that time, Tom realized on a deeper level than ever that his father was self absorbed to the point where he wasn't emotionally supportive of his wife or of Tom.  When his father was at home, he mostly spent time by himself in the den either reading or watching TV, and he seemed oblivious to his wife's and his son's emotional state (see my article: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?).

After doing Parts Work to distinguish the different conflicting parts of himself involved in his childhood attempts to emotionally rescue his mother, his therapist recommended EMDR therapy to work through his history of unresolved childhood trauma (see my article: EMDR Therapy Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

Over time, Tom was able to see the parallels between how he sacrificed himself as child with his mother and the self sacrificing he was doing as an adult by not allowing himself to experience pleasure with Marie or any of his prior girlfriends (see my article: What is the Connection Between Childhood Emotional Neglect and Problems Later on in Adult Relationships?).

Even though none of his girlfriends were depressed or needed to be emotionally rescued, Tom unconsciously responded to them in the same way as he did with his mother by not paying attention to his own needs.  He realized he was so focused on their pleasure that he didn't feel entitled to experience his own, which also contributed to his problem with erectile dysfunction.

This realization was like a revelation to Tom.  In addition, the Parts Work helped him to distinguish the different aspects of himself that felt conflicted so he felt less emotionally enmeshed with the memory of his mother.  

At that point in his healing process, he needed to learn to focus on his own sexual pleasure at the same time that he focused on Marie's pleasure (see my article: Sexual Wellness: Savoring Pleasure).

Since Tom had no problems with erectile dysfunction when he masturbated, his therapist suggested that he incorporate masturbation when he and Marie were having sex.

At first, Tom worried that he was being selfish and uncaring by doing this, but Marie encouraged him. 

Gradually, Tom became comfortable with feeling he was entitled to experience his own pleasure at the same time that he was being attentive to Marie's sexual needs.  

As he continued to get comfortable experiencing his own sexual pleasure with Marie, he no longer had problems with erectile dysfunction.

Conclusion

Your erotic blueprint includes your early personal history in terms of how you relate sexually as well as what gives you pleasure.

The vignette above is one example of many as to how patterns of relating from early childhood often continue into adult relationships.

When there are unresolved traumatic issues, as there were for Tom, a trauma therapist can help you to work through these issues (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

New ways of relating sexually also need to be found to break old patterns that are creating sexual problems, as in Tom's case.

Getting Help in Therapy

Shame often keeps people from seeking help in therapy, especially when it involves sex.  

Often people feel they're the only ones who are experiencing their problem.  They don't realize that many other people experience the same problem.  

If you have been unable to resolve your problems, you could benefit from working with an experienced mental health professional.

Rather than suffering on your own, seek help from a skilled psychotherapist so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Your Erotic Blueprint? Part 1

In her book, Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, relationship expert and sex therapist, Dr. Esther Perel discusses erotic blueprints, which is the focus of this article (see my articles: What Does Sex Positive Mean? and The Paradox of Love and Desire in a Committed Relationship).

Erotic Blueprints

What is an Erotic Blueprint?

Chapter 7 of Dr. Perel's book is called "Erotic Blueprints - Tell Me How You Were Loved, and I'll Tell You How You Make Love" (see my article: Sexual Pleasure and the Erotic Self).

According to Dr. Perel, the psychology of your sexual desire is based on your childhood relationships with your caregivers.  

Often, what gives you sexual pleasure and how you learned to love is derived from the impact of your relationship with your caregivers, including:

• How did you learn to experience pleasure (or not)?
• Did you learn to trust others?
• Did you parents monitor your emotional needs or were you expected to monitor theirs?
• Were you able to turn to your parents for protection or did you have to flee from them to protect yourself?
• Were you rejected?
• Were you humiliated?
• Were you abandoned?
• Were you held, rocked and soothed by your parents?
• Did you learn not to expect too much from your parents?
• Did you learn to hide when you were upset?
• Did you learn it's okay to thrive when others might be hurt by your thriving?
• How did you learn to feel about your body?
• How did you learn to feel about your sexuality?
• How did you learn to feel about your gender?
• What did you learn about opening up (or shutting down) emotionally?
• What did you learn about being daring or being afraid?

All of these experiences shape your beliefs about yourself and others.  They also affect what you expect from others, including what you expect in romantic relationships.  

You might already be aware of some of the experiences that shaped you.  For instance, if you're aware that your parents discouraged physical touch and didn't like to give hugs, you might know this is what makes it difficult for you to be physically affectionate with your partner. 

Another example is that if your father abandoned your family when you were young, you might see the connection to the problems you have getting into romantic relationships or, if you do get into one, you might have problems trusting your partner.

But what about all the childhood experiences you might not be connecting to the relationship difficulties you're having now?  These connections are often made in therapy with a therapist who is knowledgeable about erotic blueprints.

To illustrate how early experiences affect adult sexual relationships, Dr. Perel gives many clinical examples from her 20+ years of experience of working with couples in couples therapy.  

In one example, a client named Dylan, who is in his 20s, has a lot of difficulty with feeling emotionally secure with people--with or without sexual excitement (see my article: Are You Afraid to Show Your Emotional Vulnerability in Your Relationship?).

Dylan's childhood history includes the death of his mother, who was the "emotional lynchpin of the family," when he was 12.  During the mother's funeral, Dylan's father felt so uncomfortable with Dylan's tears that he warned Dylan not to fall apart emotionally.  

To stay close to his father, Dylan learned at an early age to suppress his emotions because emotions were a sign of weakness to his father (see my article: Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Going to Therapy Means You're "Weak").

As an adult, whenever Dylan has feelings for anyone, he is filled with self loathing and tries to control his emotional vulnerability.  

To deal with these uncomfortable feelings, Dylan goes to clubs and picks up men for anonymous sex where he can have emotionless sex.

During these emotionless encounters, he feels protected from repeating the humiliation he felt as a child when his father shamed him for having emotions.  At the same time, Dylan also experiences the thrill of being desired by many people.

According to Dr. Perel, these early experiences also affect what becomes sexually exciting to you as an adult.  More about this in my next article: What is Your Erotic Blueprint? Part 2.

Getting Help in Therapy

Sexual problems are often related to unresolved traumatic childhood experiences.

A skilled psychotherapist who is knowledgeable about trauma and erotic blueprints can help you to understand and overcome these problems (see my articles: What is a Trauma Therapist? and What is Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in therapy.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT Somatic Experiencing therapist and Sex Therapy.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.