5 Common Myths About Sex in Long Term Relationships

In this article I'll be challenging the most common myths about sex in long term relationships.

Pleasurable Sex in Long Term Relationships

Sex Education in the US is Inadequate

One of the leading reasons for so much misinformation, in general, about sex is that only 39 states and the District of Columbia mandate sex education and HIV education in high school.  

These programs vary widely in terms of the quality of the sex education they provide, and some states provide only abstinence-based sex education.  

In addition, all too often, sex education programs only focus on the health risks of having sex with no information about sexual pleasure.  This can leave young people with the misconception that sex is "bad" and always "dangerous."

A lack of quality sex education means people aren't getting the sex education they need. Furthermore, since many young people don't get sex education at home, they turn to porn, which is highly inaccurate.

Moreover, adults in healthcare settings are often too ashamed to ask their healthcare professionals about sex.  And, making matters even worse, many of these professionals, including medical doctors, get inadequate sex education as part of their medical training. So, all too often even if patients ask them questions about sex, they're unable to answer.

Taking all of this into consideration, is it any wonder there are so many myths about sex in long term relationships?

Ageism and Sex

In our youth obsessed culture, there is a stigma against aging and sex.

In addition, many people assume that older people don't want to have sex. While this might be true for some older people, many who aren't having sex, would enjoy sex, but they don't have a sexual partner.

Challenging 5 Common Myths About Sex in Long Term Relationships

So, let's challenge 5 common myths about sex in long term relationships: 

• Myth 1: Good Sex Means Frequent Sex: It's important to understand that quantity doesn't equal quality. Regardless of how often a couple has sex, sex is only "good" if both people enjoy it. So, for instance, if a couple's sex script is determined only by the demands of one partner and the other partner is only going along without enjoying it, this isn't good sex because it lacks mutuality.  It's "compliant sex" which often breeds dissatisfaction and resentment in the long run for both people (see my article: What is Good Sex?).

• Myth 2: The Best Sex Always Occurs During the Initial Stage of a Relationship: Sex often gets better over time for couples, especially if the couple is able to communicate their needs to each other.  While it's true that many couples have more frequent sex during the initial limerence stage (the early stage of a relationship where two people are infatuated with each other), frequency doesn't automatically equal "good sex," as mentioned in Myth 1 (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

Pleasurable Sex in Long Term Relationships

• Myth 3: Couples in Long Term Relationships Eventually Stop Having Sex: This is one of the most common myths that our culture perpetuates. This myth is further complicated by Myth 1, which is that good sex means frequent sex. Many couples continue to have pleasurable sex into their 60s, 70s, 80s and beyond.  Although they might not have the physical agility they once had in their 20s, if they're willing to try new ways of having sex, their sex life can continue to be enjoyable. Note: If you and your partner have stopped having sex and one or both of you aren't happy about it you could benefit from working with a sex therapist.

Pleasurable Sex in Long Term Relationships

• Myth 4: Once Couples Stop Having Sex, They Can't Resume Having Sex Again: Too many couples believe this myth, which deprives them of having a fulfilling sex life. Other couples are too ashamed to talk to each other about sex or they don't know how, so this problem never gets addressed.  If both people want to resume having sex, they can make a conscious effort on their own to resume having sex. And, if they're having a problem getting started again, they can consult with a sex therapist for help on how to address the underlying issues creating obstacles for them as well as learn behavioral interventions assigned by a sex therapist as part of the couple's homework to work on in the privacy of their home.

Pleasurable Sex in Long Term Relationships

• Myth 5: Cheating Means Lack of Sexual Interest in the Relationship: There are a lot of misconceptions about cheating.  In many cases, there is no one particular reason why people cheat. Cheating often has nothing to do with a lack of interest in their partner or in the relationship. Many people, who love their partner and who still feel sexually attracted to them, engage in cheating.  In fact, many people who cheat say they still feel emotionally and sexually fulfilled in their relationship, but they want to feel sexually desirable to others (see my article: Why Do People in Happy Relationships Cheat?).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Individuals and couples attend sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Reasons Why People Seek Help in Sex Therapy?).

There is no nudity, physical exam or sexual activity in sex therapy sessions. However, there are homework assignments to practice in the privacy of your own home to improve your sex life (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

If you have been unable to resolve sexual problems on your own, you could benefit from seeking help in sex therapy for a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.