How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt

I began a discussion about setting boundaries in an earlier article.  In the current article I'm focusing on one of the hardest parts of setting boundaries for many people--dealing with guilty feelings.

Do You Feeling Guilty About Setting Boundaries?

A common problem for people who feel uncomfortable about setting boundaries is that they feel guilty and they fear conflict. So, if the thought of setting a boundary with someone fills you with fear and guilt, you're not alone.

Setting Boundaries Without Guilt

People who have problems setting boundaries often focus on how the other person might feel.  While this is an important aspect of boundary setting, it's only one part of the story.

Often people focus exclusively on the other person's feelings because they have problems focusing on their own discomfort.  

They might feel uncomfortable even acknowledging their own discomfort.  So, it's easier for them to focus on the other person (see my article: People Pleasing to Avoid Conflict).

This is especially common if you were raised to believe you should put other people's emotional needs above your own.  

It might not have been framed exactly that way. Instead, maybe you were told you have to be "strong" for other family members, which often results in you stifling your feelings so that others won't be uncomfortable or they can lean on your emotionally.  

If you grew up being accustomed to prioritize other people's feelings and suppressing your own, you might feel guilty about allowing yourself to even have feelings that are different from your loved ones. 

After a while, you might not even know what your feelings are because you have suppressed them for so long before they even came into your awareness (see my article: Being the Different One in Your Family).

Setting Boundaries Without Guilt

This usually happens in enmeshed and dysfunctional families where children grow up feeling they have to take care of their parent's needs (see my article: Children's Roles in Dysfunctional Families and Role Reversal in Families).

Another example of why you might have problems setting boundaries could be that your boundaries were violated when you were growing up.  This happens when children are abused either emotionally, physically or sexually or if they were neglected.

This is especially confusing when the person who was abusing you was someone you were supposed to be able to trust--your parent, a relative, a teacher, religious leader or someone else who was supposed to have your best interests at heart.  

Even if you weren't abused, you might have internalized a parent's guilt about setting boundaries with their own family of origin or with other loved ones.

For instance, if you saw your mother feeling putting aside her own emotional needs due to guilt, you probably internalized this as a powerful message, especially if you saw it over and over again--even though your mother might not have told you to do this directly.

Why Are Boundaries Important?

Knowing why boundaries are important can help motivate you to do the work involved with developing this skill.

Healthy boundaries:

• Tell others how you want to be treated and, when the other person respects your boundaries, it can prevent you from being mistreated.

• Help you to be your own person. You create a healthy emotional and physical separation between you and others so that you don't feel mistreated.

• Allow you to have your own thoughts, feelings and needs that are separate from others.

• Allow you to have the time and space you need for your own personal needs.

How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt

• Get Clear on What You Want: This might be easier said than done, especially if you grew up overriding your own feelings. Thinking about it beforehand and writing in a journal can help to clarify your thoughts and feelings. If it helps you to feel more comfortable, you can write out a script, including any obstacles you anticipate.

Setting Boundaries Without Guilt

• Be Aware That Healthy Boundary Setting is About Taking Care of Yourself--Not About Controlling Others: Appropriate boundaries is about taking care of yourself. It's not about controlling others--even though they might feel you're trying to control them. Just because they feel that way doesn't make it true. When you set healthy boundaries, you tell yourself and the other person that your thoughts and feelings matter and that you are worthy of being treated well (see my article: Feeling Entitled to Self Care).

• Be Clear and Direct Without Apologizing: People who have problems setting boundaries are often unclear because they are so passive and indirect that the other person doesn't understand what they're trying to say. This is where it helps to have a clear and succinct message. Compare the following statements and notice the difference between the Examples A and B:

• Example 1A: "Mom, I know you have certain ways of doing things that are  important to you. I have my own way of doing things, so please respect that."
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• Example 1B: "Mom, I'm sorry I don't do things the way you taught me. You're probably right, but I like my way. Is that okay?"

• Example 2A: "Jane, when you borrowed money from me two months ago, you agreed to pay me back within a month, but you haven't, so let's talk about this because I need the money."

• Example 2B: "Jane, I feel badly about bringing this up because money is such an uncomfortable topic to talk about, but you haven't paid me back the money you borrowed from me. So, I apologize for even bringing it up. I'm sure you have a very good reason why you haven't repaid me, so maybe I shouldn't even be asking, but I really need the money now to pay the mortgage. Of course, if you don't have it, I would understand and maybe I could borrow money from my parents to pay the mortgage."

• Expect and Plan for Obstacles: Whether the obstacles are your own difficulties with asserting yourself or you expect resistance from the other person, expect it and plan for these obstacles while you're preparing to set a boundary.  You can include how to deal with obstacles when you write about it beforehand.

• Overcome Your Fear of Conflict: One of the major reasons why people have problems setting boundaries is that they anticipate conflict and they want to avoid it.  This expectation isn't unreasonable expectation when you take into account that other people might be benefitting from the lack of boundaries and they might want to maintain things the way they are. If your boundary setting is met with anger and/or resistance, this doesn't mean you should back off by sacrificing your own needs to placate someone else. Anger and resistance is often a confirmation that boundary setting is important in this situation. Instead of returning to a state of passivity, anticipate these reactions in advance and have a plan. In extreme cases where you expect aggression, make sure you're not alone.

• Setting Boundaries is an Ongoing Process: If you have managed to set an appropriate boundary with someone, don't expect that this to be a one-and-done process, especially if there is a history of poor boundaries. You will probably need to reinforce the boundaries from time to time.  This doesn't necessarily mean that the other person is intentionally trying to harm you. Instead, it might mean that they also have problems with boundaries so they're trying to develop this skill at the same time that you're trying to develop it.  Also, be aware that your needs and your relationships can change over time so you might need to change the boundary agreements you already have with others.

Getting Help in Therapy

Learning to set boundaries without guilt isn't always easy, especially if the problem is rooted in your early history.

Getting Help in Therapy

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome these obstacles. 

So rather than struggling on your own, seek help in therapy.

Once you have learned to set boundaries without guilt, you can have a greater sense of well-being and healthier relationships.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.