The Benefits of Laughter For Your Health and Mental Health

You've probably heard the saying, "Laughter is the best medicine" which hints at the physical and mental health benefits of laughter.  In the past, I wrote an article, Humor Can Be Helpful in Psychotherapy, which explored how humor can sometimes increase the effectiveness of therapy.  In this article, I'm focusing on how laughter benefits both your physical and mental health.

The Benefits of Laughter For Your Health and Mental Health

The Benefits of Laughter For Your Health and Mental Health
Laughter is beneficial for your mind and your body because it:

• strengthens your immune system
• elevates your mood
• reduces pain
• protects you against the harmful effects of stress
• inspires hope
• helps you to connect and bond with others
• keeps you grounded
• relaxes your body
• eases stress and anxiety
• strengthens resilience (see my article: Developing Resilience)
• diffuses anger
• reduces inhibitions
• helps you to feel recharged and energized
• increases your ability to use your imagination and increases creativity (see my article: Using Positive Imagination to Cope)

Adults Need to Seek More Opportunities For Laughter
Most children tend to laugh many times a day.  However, adults tend to be more serious, and they don't laugh as much as children. Therefore, adults, who want the health and mental health benefits of laughter, need to seek out more opportunities to laugh.

You can seek out these opportunities to include more laughter in your life by:

• watching a funny movie or TV show
• watching standup comedy
• playing games with friends
• spending time with people who are funny
• playing with your pet
• reading a funny story
• sharing a funny cartoon with friends 
• engaging in laughing yoga
• being grateful for what you have
• being "silly"
• taking an improv class
• sharing true stories about yourself with others (see my article: The Psychological Benefits of Storytelling)

Examples of How to Bring More Laughter Into Your Life

Sue
After realizing that she wasn't having as much fun as she used to, Sue decided to join an improv class, which was recommended by a friend. She had never taken an improv class before and, initially, she felt intimidated. But on her first day of class, she discovered that most other people in the class had never done improv or any type of comedy before, and they were feeling just as inhibited as she was feeling. By the second class, she realized she really liked her instructor, who made learning improv fun easy.  So, after a while, Sue opened up more and allowed herself to just have fun. She realized that she had not laughed so much in years, and she decided to take the next improv class when it was over.

Jim
Although he enjoyed painting in his free time, Jim found it to be too solitary an activity, especially since he already spent a lot of time on his own as an online editor.  He didn't look forward to spending even more time alone doing his artwork.  However, at the suggestion of a neighbor, he offered a free art class to the children in his apartment building, and while he was working with the children, he realized that not only were they having fun, but he was also having fun with them.  This group activity with children helped him to feel energized, and it allowed him to spend time alone doing his own artwork.

Conclusion
As mentioned above, there are many physical health and mental health benefits to laughter.

Sometimes, you need to experiment with different activities to find one that you enjoy.  If you approach this exploration with a sense of curiosity and playfulness, you'll discover an activity that's just right for you. In addition, you'll begin to experience the benefits of laughter.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex therapist (see my article: The Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I provide teletherapy, also known as online therapy, telemental health or telehealth for clients (see my article:  The Advantages of Online Therapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation with me, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Books: On Chesil Beach: How the Entire Course of a Relationship Can Be Changed By "Doing Nothing"

Usually, when you think of a relationship that doesn't work out, you think of something that one or both people actively did that resulted in the breakup.  But there are times, like in the book and movie, On Chesil Beach by Ian McEwan, when the entire course of a relationship can change by appearing to "doing nothing."

On Chesil Beach: How the Entire Course of a Relationship Can Be Changed By "Doing Nothing"

This occurs more often than most people think, and it's often only in hindsight, sometimes many years later, that the people in the relationship realize the impact of "doing nothing" when a response might have changed the course of the relationship.

On Chesil Beach is a good example of this dynamic but, in case you haven't read the book or seen the movie, I'll give another example so there are no spoilers in this article.

Fictional Clinical Vignette: How the Entire Course of a Relationship Can Change By Doing Nothing:
The following fictional clinical vignette illustrates how a relationship can change by seemingly "doing nothing":

Rick:
A year after a breakup, Rick sought help from a psychotherapist to deal with the emotional aftermath of the breakup.

According to Rick, he and his girlfriend, Diane, had been seeing each other for two years when they got into an argument about an insensitive remark that Diane made to Rick.  Specifically, he got angry with Diane after she called him "stupid" for forgetting her birthday.

Rick told his psychotherapist that he became so livid after she called him "stupid" that even after she apologized several times, he refused to talk to her.  After a few weeks, Diane stopped reaching out to him, and he made no effort to reach her.

How the Entire Course of a Relationship Can Be Changed By "Doing Nothing"

By the time Rick came to therapy, more than a year had gone by since he and Diane had any contact with each other.

It was only in hindsight, Rick said, that he realized that he shutdown emotionally and he was unresponsive to Diane because his father used to call him "stupid," and when she called him "stupid," he got emotionally triggered.  As a result, he didn't accept her apology (see my article: Coping With Trauma: Becoming Aware of Your Emotional Triggers).

Since that time, Rick realized that his relationship with Diane had been the best thing that he had ever experienced, and he made a mistake by not being willing to talk to her.  In hindsight, he realized that she had never done anything like this before, and she lashed out at him that one time in hurt and anger.  He also realized that when she apologized to him, she was sincere.

But when he contacted her a year after the breakup, she told him that she was in another relationship, which was serious, and she couldn't see him.  She said she felt no resentment or anger towards him, and she wished him well, but she couldn't have any more contact with him.

As he sat in his psychotherapist's office, he told her that he felt tremendous regret for shutting down and not accepting Diane's apology when the incident occurred.  He realized that he overreacted at the time, and it was now too late to get back with her.

He told his therapist that, looking back over his life, he realized that he had done this before in other relationships, but he never felt such regret as he did with Diane.  He came to therapy to overcome the emotional triggers that caused him to shutdown emotionally so he wouldn't keep ruining his relationships.

As Rick and his psychotherapist discussed his family history, he talked about his critical father, who belittled Rick from the time he was a young child.  He also talked about his passive mother, who did nothing to protect Rick or intervene on his behalf.

His psychotherapist recommended that they use EMDR therapy to work on the more recent issue involving Diane as well as the history of being criticized by his father (see my article: How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR and the Brain and Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR Therapy, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

His therapist helped Rick to understand that his defense mechanism of shutting down emotionally was useful to him when he was a child to keep him from getting overwhelmed, but it was no longer useful to him as an adult.  Not only was it not useful, it was actually doing him harm (see my article: What Happens When You Numb Yourself to Emotions From Your Traumatic Past).

The work in therapy was neither quick nor easy.  During their EMDR sessions, Rick felt such grief and compassion for the sad child that he was when he was younger.  He also grieved for his relationship with Diane and dealt with his fear that he might never meet anyone that he loved as much as he loved her.

By the time Rick completed therapy, he was no longer getting triggered by criticism or when someone called him a name because he worked this out with EMDR therapy.  He also understood that shutting down emotionally can be just as harmful to a relationship as being outwardly reactive in a negative way.

Conclusion
Romantic relationships often involve getting triggered by core unresolved issues, including trauma experiences from the past, as in the fictional vignette above.

When someone shuts down emotionally, also known as emotional numbing, s/he can be unreachable and unable and/or unwilling to try to reconcile the relationship because of the emotional trigger.

When this occurs, the person who experiences emotional numbing isn't thinking clearly.  The defense mechanism of emotional numbing "works" so effectively that it might take a while (if ever) before this person can look back in hindsight and realize the damage of being outwardly unresponsive.

Although from the outside, it might appear that "nothing is happening," there is actually quite a lot that's happening internally for the person who shuts down emotionally.  S/he is very overwhelmed, even though s/he might not be aware of it.

To the other person, it appears that s/he is being "stubborn" or "rigid," but, in actuality, the emotional numbing keeps the person emotionally inaccessible even to him or herself.

Getting Help in Therapy
Experiential psychotherapy, like EMDR therapy, helps you to overcome unresolved trauma so you no longer get triggered in your current life (see my article:  Why Experiential Psychotherapy is More Effective to Overcome Trauma Than Talk Therapy Alone)

If you realize that you keep getting triggered by unresolved trauma, you owe it to yourself to get help so you can free yourself from your traumatic history and live a fulfilling life (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many clients to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Memories of Your First Love - Part 1

Memories of your first love can have a profound effect on subsequent relationships.  It doesn't matter how old you are or if you're happy in your current relationship or not.  Your first experience of love can leave a lasting imprint on you (see my article: The One That Got Away).

Memories of Your First Love

Books and Movies About the Lasting Effect of a First Love on Later Relationships
Since this is a common experience for many people, this theme often comes up in popular books and movies:

     Call Me By Your Name:
In the book, Call Me By Your Name by Andre Aciman, Elio is a 17 year old boy who falls in love with Oliver, a graduate student who comes to stay with Elio's family in their summer home in Italy for six weeks.  Throughout his life, Elio has other romantic relationships, but his first experience of love with Oliver has a profound effect on him and his subsequent relationships.

The book, which goes 20 years beyond the movie, illustrates how memories of a first love remain imprinted on the protagonist, who experiences an enduring love and a longing for Oliver throughout his life (see my articles: Call Me By Your Name - Part 1: "Is It Better to Speak or to Die?" and Call Me By Your Name - Part 2: The Concept of Parallel Lives).

     The Sense of an Ending:  
The Sense of an Ending is a book by Julian Barnes which was made into a movie.  The protagonist, Tony, has memories of his first relationship that create an obsession to find out what really happened to his first love.  He is now in his 60s, retired, divorced, and on amicable terms with his ex-wife and his adult daughter.  But he is driven by an unsolved mystery involving a memory about his first love, Veronica, and a love triangle from his early 20s.

     45 Years:
In the movie, 45 Years, memories of a first love come to haunt a husband, who is happily married to his wife for 45 years.  They are about to celebrate their 45th anniversary when he receives a letter which brings him back to his youth and his experience with his first love.  These enduring memories begin to threaten his well-being and the equilibrium of his otherwise happy marriage (see my article: An Old Secret Haunts a Happy Long Term Marriage).

     The Reader:
In the book and the movie, The Reader (book by Bernard Schlink), which take place in post-war German, 15 year old Michael meets Hanna, an enigmatic older woman.  His experiences with Hanna have a life-changing effect on him that endure long into his adulthood.  The book and the movie show how much he changes from the loving and open teenager that he was at the beginning of the story to an emotionally distant man who has superficial relationships with women--someone who is struggling to make sense of his first relationship with Hanna.

I could go on with many more examples, but these books and movies, which are part of our popular culture, illustrate how people are often changed forever by their early romantic experiences.

Memories of a First Love For Clients in Psychotherapy
As a psychotherapist in New York City, I often see clients who are still very attached to their early memories of their first love--even though they are in stable relationships.  There is something very powerful about these experiences that often take over their imagination.

And now it's relatively easy and so tantalizing to contact a first love on social media (see my article: Romantic Reconnections).

For some people, this is really more about themselves than it is about the other person.  They're remembering their youth and who they were back then.  In addition to a wish to recapture their youth,  for other people it's also about their wish to realize a fantasy of what it would be like to be in that relationship again.

Needless to say, if people allow themselves to get caught up in the fantasy, it could work out or it can have disastrous consequences when reality doesn't live up to the fantasy and a spouse leaves an otherwise happy marriage to pursue his or her first love (see my article: Relationships: The Ideal vs. the Real).

This is often a topic of discussion for many clients in psychotherapy, especially clients who are in midlife and looking back on their lives (see my articles: Midlife Transitions: Reassessing Your Life and Midlife Transitions: Living the Life You Want to Live).

In a future article, I'll continue to discuss this topic.

Conclusion
Memories of your first love can remain with you throughout your life.  Beyond nostalgia, these romantic memories can revive an old relationship or they can create upheaval in your life as well as the lives of your loved ones.

Many people reach out to their first love on social media in an effort to recapture what they once felt or to relive a part of their lives that has been over for a long time--often with mixed results.

Books and movies about this subject have become popular because this experience is so ubiquitous and can be all consuming.

See Part 2: Memories of Your First Love Can Have a Profound Effect on Later Relationships - Part 2

Getting Help in Therapy
Separating reality from fantasy can be difficult when you're caught up in memories of a first love from the past.

If you're struggling with these memories or the possibility of rekindling a relationship from a long time ago, you could benefit psychotherapy (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Although a psychotherapist won't tell you what to do, a skilled therapist can help you to work this issue through for yourself (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Rather than struggling on your own, you can take the first step by setting up an appointment with a psychotherapist for an initial consultation.

Being able to work through these issues can help you to make important decisions and to regain a sense of well-being.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many clients who are struggling with midlife and other big decisions in their lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.
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Movies: Lou Andreas Salome - The Audacity to Be Free

Lou Andreas Salome, who was born in 1861 in St. Petersburg, Russia, became one of the few women psychoanalysts in Sigmund Freud's inner circle.

Movies: Lou Andreas Salome - The Audacity to Be Free*

At a relatively young age, she was known for being an intellectual with unconventional ideas for her time.  Throughout her life, she had many intellectual pursuits, including psychoanalysis, and she prized her freedom and spoke up for what she believed in, which was unusual for women in her day.

The movie, Lou Andreas Salome - The Audacity to Be Free, traces her life from early childhood until old age.  Although the title of the movie emphasizes Salome's lifelong pursuit of individual freedom and creativity, it actually focuses on her role as a muse to various famous men in her life, including Rainer Maria Rilke and Friedrich Nietzsche and less on her accomplishments, which were many.

The movie focuses only briefly on her accomplishments as a psychoanalyst during the early days of psychoanalysis and her relationship with Sigmund Freud.  As a psychotherapist who is psychoanalytically trained, I would have liked more of an emphasis on her life as a psychoanalyst, especially considering that a career in psychoanalysis in her day was mostly pursued by men.

In many ways, Salome was ahead of her time with regard to understanding the importance of culture, which we take for granted now.  But in her time, the focus in psychoanalysis was on the patient's inner world, the Oedipus Complex and Freud's psychosexual model of psychoanalysis.

It's unfortunate that such an outstanding psychoanalyst, who was well-known and highly regarded internationally in her time, has been all but forgotten these days, except in some psychoanalytic circles and, even there, her books and papers go mostly unread.

Even though the movie focuses mostly on her personal relationships with men, hopefully, it will arouse curiosity about this accomplished woman who was ahead of her time.

For a more comprehensive understanding of Lou Andreas Salome, I recommend Julia Vickers' book, Lou von Salome: A Biography of the Woman Who Inspired Freud, Nietzsche and Rilke.  Although the title emphasizes her role as a muse to some of the most famous men of her time, it also gives an in-depth exploration of her childhood background, how her background influenced her lifelong intellectual pursuits, her accomplishments, and her need for freedom and equality as a woman.

Salome also wrote her own memoir called Looking Back: Memoirs where she gives her own account of her life.  This book is more of a meditation on her life than a chronological account of her life history.

There is also a book, Salome: Her Life and Her Work by Angela Livingstone, that provides a more of a history of Salome's life.

It's important to remember women psychoanalysts like Lou Andreas Salome and Karen Horney for the important contributions that they made to psychoanalysis and psychotherapy in general.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you have been feeling overwhelmed by your problems, you're not alone.  Help is available in psychotherapy (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Working through your problems in psychotherapy can free you from your traumatic history and allow you to live a more meaningful and fulfilling life (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.


*Photo Credit: Shutterstock: A romantic Slavic woman in vintage dress (this is not Lou Andreas Salome).

Movies: "A Fantastic Woman:" Maintaining Dignity and Self Respect in a Hostile World

Sebastian Lelio's film, "A Fantastic Woman," which has been nominated for the Academy Awards Best Foreign Film category, is about a transwoman, Marina (wonderfully portrayed by Daniela Vega) and her perseverance in maintaining her dignity and demanding respect as a human being, despite the grief of losing her romantic partner and dealing with prejudice and harassment.

Movies: "A Fantastic Woman:" Maintaining Dignity and Self Respect Despite a Hostile World 

Marina and her boyfriend, Orlando (portrayed by Fernando Reyes) live together in Orlando's apartment in Santiago, Chile.  They are a happy, loving couple who are kind and generous to each other.  But one night Orlando gets sick suddenly and Marina takes him to the hospital.

Within a couple of hours, Orlando dies from a brain aneurysm.  Alone with no one to console her at that point, Marina deals with the shock and grief on her own.

Since she fears losing her job as a waitress if she does not show up, she goes to work that day and acts as if nothing happened while her heart is breaking.

She also has to deal with close-minded hospital staff, abusive police officers and Orlando's emotionally and physically aggressive relatives who don't understand why Orlando, who was married before and has a young child, was with a transwoman.

We don't learn a lot about Marina's personal history or much about her family background, except that she has a sister and brother in law who take her in after Orlando's family kicks her out of Orlando's apartment after his death.

We do learn that she has not received her identification card yet indicating that she is a woman so, as far as the outside world is concerned, she is a man.

She is also subject to humiliating and degrading acts by the police who, ostensibly, want to "help" her in case she was abused in her relationship with Orlando (despite the fact that she tells them that she was not abused).

The one bright spot in her life is her love of music and singing.  And, despite all the obstacles that are thrown in her way, Marina perseveres.

Marina grieves for Orlando, but she also knows that life goes on, and she is committed to persevering with her singing career as well as do what she can to make ends meet financially.  She will survive and thrive on her own terms.

Ultimately, A Fantastic Woman is an inspiring movie due to Marina's resilience and uncompromising demand for respect as a human being--even if people don't understand her.

It's wonderful, for a change, to see a movie about a transwoman triumphs.

If you haven't seen this movie, it's well worth seeing for the acting, wonderful plot, and inspiration.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is working with LGBTQ clients.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Resources:
The LGBT Center in New York City
National Center For Transgender Equality
Transgender Law Center
Gender Proud

Books: Call Me By Your Name - Part 2: The Concept of Living Parallel Lives

In my prior article about the book, Call Me By Your Name, I focused on the phrase, "Is it better to speak or to die?," a question that spurred the main character, Elio, to reveal his romantic feelings to Oliver, the graduate student staying in Elio's family's vacation home in Northern Italy.  In my current article, I'm focusing on another concept that came up in the book (but not in the movie of the same name) about living parallel lives--living the life you have chosen as well as the fantasy of the life you might have wanted on some level but did not choose.

Living Parallel Lives

There are many ambiguities in the book as well as in the movie.  But the part about living parallel lives seemed clearer to me in terms of Oliver's and Elio's enduring romantic feelings for each other even many years later.

When I read what Oliver told Elio about his own experience with parallel lives, I thought about how common this is for many people, especially with regard to relationships.

Whenever we choose one person, we are letting go of other possible choices (see my article:  Explorations in Psychotherapy of the Road Not Taken in Life).

Inevitably, many people experience regrets and a sense of loss for their relationship choices--if not immediately, then perhaps later in life.  But most people make choices given who they are and what they know about themselves, information they have about the situation, and options available to them at the time that they are making the choice.

These can be difficult choices.  Letting go of alternatives can be very challenging.  This can lead to the concept of living parallel lives--living the life chosen as well as the fantasy of the one not chosen.

Living in the 21st century, when it comes to relationships, there has never been a time when it was easier to continue to fantasize about the person you didn't choose or who didn't choose you (see my article: Relationships: Obsessing About the "One Who Got Away").

Unlike the 1980s, when Elio and Oliver had their romance, there's so much information now online that you can keep up with what is going on with your ex and continue to fantasize about what your life might have been like if you were still with that person.

Spoiler Alert:  If you haven't read the book, you might want to stop reading at this point.

As I mentioned in my prior article, unlike the movie, the book is written from Elio's perspective, so it's important to keep in mind that his perspective might not be accurate.  Like anyone else, his view could be distorted.

When they met many years later and Oliver talked to Elio about his own experience of living parallel lives--his actual life with his wife and family and his fantasy of what life might have been like if he remained with Elio, Elio seemed surprised that he was still on Oliver's mind all this time later.  Not only is Elio on Oliver's mind, but Oliver keeps track of Elio's career, what is going on in Elio's life, and what has gone on with Elio's parents.

The words "cor cordium" (translated as "heart of hearts") comes up twice in the book.

The first time is when Oliver was staying with Elio and his family as a graduate student and Oliver and Elio were in town to pick up the Italian translation of Oliver's manuscript. Oliver asked Elio if he knew who drowned in that area.  Elio, who was precocious for his age, responded that it was the poet, Shelley.

Then, Oliver asked Elio if he knew what Shelley's wife and friends did when they found Shelley's body.  Elio responded "cor cordium" referring to when Shelley's friend seized Shelley's heart before it was consumed in the fire as it was being cremated on the shore.  The same two words were engraved on Shelley's gravestone.

Oliver's response was to ask Elio, "Is there anything you don't know?"  At that point, Elio saw his chance to seize the moment to reveal to Oliver, rather cryptically, that he had romantic feelings for Oliver.

The second time that "cor cordium" came up was when they met many years later and Oliver revealed that he kept the framed postcard of a place called Monet's berm that he took from Elio's room when he stayed in Elio's home as a graduate student. This is significant because Monet's berm is the place where Oliver and Elio first kissed and Elio revealed his feelings for him.

The prior history of the framed postcard was that a prior graduate student, who stayed with Elio's family, found it at a flea market in Paris and sent it to Elio as a souvenir.  This prior student had written on the back of the postcard, "Think of me someday."  When Oliver left Elio's family home in Italy, he took the framed postcard with him to remind him of the day that Elio revealed his feelings for him on Monet's berm.

Oliver showed Elio that he kept the framed postcard in his office where he saw it everyday.  He said he added his own inscription to the back and hoped to send it back to Elio.

At first, when Elio asked Oliver what he wrote, Oliver told Elio that he wanted it to be a surprise when he sent it back to Elio.  But when Elio told him that he didn't like surprises, Oliver revealed that he wrote "cor cordium" on the back of the card.

The framed postcard of Monet's berm was part of Oliver's parallel life of fantasizing about their romance with Elio.

There is much that is ambiguous about the book and the movie.  Possibly, the author, Andre Aciman, meant the story to be ambiguous because of Oliver and Elio's feelings were conflicted at times.

It is unclear why Oliver chose the conventional life that he did with his on-again/off-again relationship with his then-girlfriend.  One possibility is revealed earlier in the book when Oliver was very conflicted about getting sexually involved with Elio.  He told Elio that they should not talk about such things when Elio lets him know how he feels about him, as if a man loving another man is a taboo subject.

Oliver's emotional conflict was revealed in several other ways:  After they kissed, he told Elio that, until that point, they were "good" (before they got sexually involved) and he wanted to be "good," the implication being that getting sexually involved would be "bad" or wrong.

In addition, since Oliver was about to become a professor, he had more to lose professionally if he were in a gay relationship (this was the 1980s).

He also told Elio that, unlike Elio's parents who were more liberal and accepting of Elio and Oliver's  love for each other, Oliver's father would be alarmed if he knew that Oliver got involved with a man.  Oliver said his father would take him to a correctional facility if he found out.

Then, of course, there's the age difference of 17 vs 24, which at that stage of life made a big difference, and the geographic distance between them with Elio being in Europe and Oliver in New York City at that point.

For all of his bravado and outward appearance of confidence, Oliver lacked confidence at that stage in his life, as Elio's father astutely observed.  So, that in addition to all the other obstacles of remaining involved with Elio, Oliver might not have felt confident enough to be in a gay relationship with all the problems there would have been in the 1980s.

Neither the book nor the movie reveal if Oliver had any prior involvement with men.  My sense is that, even though Oliver might have known he was bisexual, he probably never acted on his feelings for men before Elio.

Or, it was also possible that Oliver never had these feelings for men before (as opposed to Elio, who revealed in the book that he had attractions for men, but never acted on them).

This is part of the problem when the issue is viewed from a gender binary perspective where people are seen as being either gay, straight or bisexual.  When there is ambiguity as there is in Call Me By Your Name, the problem with the gender binary perspective adds to the confusion.

In any case, neither Elio nor Oliver have completely suppressed their feelings for each other, even though this is difficult given that they are not together and they each feel sad about that.

The end of the book was also ambiguous and seemed to hint at a possible sequel.

If there is a sequel, will Elio and Oliver get together years later or will they continue to live separate but parallel lives where they still love each other but are not directly involved in each other's lives?

It's anyone's guess.

I believe the book as well as the movie have great general appeal because, regardless of sexual orientation, the inner conflicts that Oliver and Elio experience about love and loss are universal themes.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping people, heterosexual and LGBTQ, to overcome problems in their lives and their relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Books: Call Me By Your Name: Part 1: Is It Better to Speak or to Die?

In a prior article, I discussed Andre Aciman's book, Enigma Variations.  In this article, I'm focusing on an earlier book by Andre Aciman, Call Me By Your Name.  

After I saw the beautiful movie, Call Me By Your Name, I wanted to know more about the two main characters, Elio and Oliver (portrayed by Timothee Chalamet and Armie Hammer, respectively, in the movie), so I read Andre Aciman's book by the same name.

Is It Better to Speak or to Die?

Both the movie and the book are a sensual feast: a lush Italian countryside, a beautiful villa, sunshine, a seemingly endless summer, delicious food, an abundance of Italian wine, the scents of flowers and herbs, beautiful music, the warmth of the sun, the beach, and sensual bodies.

The movie is a close translation of Andre Aciman's book, but it is, of necessity, more compressed. Even though the movie differs in some aspects from the book, it maintains the same emotional tone.

In the book and the movie, it's 1983 and Elio Perlman, a 17 year old boy, and his family are at their vacation home, a 17th century villa inherited from Elio's maternal grandfather in Northern Italy.  In the book, the story is told in retrospect from Elio's point of view many years after he and Oliver first met.

The Perlman family had a tradition of inviting a doctoral student every year to spend six weeks in the summer at their villa so the graduate students could complete their book manuscripts while enjoying all the villa had to offer.  In return, the students spent an hour or so each week helping Elio's father, who was a classics professor, with his paperwork.

Over the years, these graduate students maintained contact with the Perlmans by writing, sending packages for the holidays, visiting them again and remembering their summer as graduate students in their home.  The Perlmans also had many other interesting guests, gay and straight, from all walks of life, which added to the atmosphere of camaraderie and stimulating conversations at dinner.

When Elio first met 24 year old Oliver, an American graduate student from Columbia University, who was working on a manuscript about the ancient Greek philosopher, Heraclitus, Elio disliked the way Oliver said, "Later!" in such a flippant way whenever Oliver departed.

Even at the young age of 17, Elio was an introspective individual and he found Oliver to be too casual and detached.  At that point, Elio wasn't sure if he liked Oliver or not.  But as Elio continued to observe Oliver, who was a tall, handsome, muscular man, Elio found himself fascinated and obsessed with him.  He also felt an affinity for Oliver because they were both Jewish.

In the book, although Elio had enough self awareness to know that he was bisexual, he was confused by his developing romantic and sexual feelings for Oliver, and he was perplexed as to whether Oliver felt the same way about him.

Is It Better to Speak or Die?

When Oliver massaged Elio's shoulders, which Elio desired, but the feelings that Oliver's touch elicited in Elio also frightened him.  Elio jerked away because he felt himself about to go limp in surrender to Oliver.

Then there is the flirtation when Elio, who was a musical prodigy, played Bach's "Aria of the Postillon" from Capriccio on the Departure of a Beloved Brother.  Oliver was touched when he heard Elio play the aria on the guitar and then on the piano.  When Oliver asked Elio to play the aria again, Elio teased him by playing different variations of it, knowing that Oliver wanted to hear the original Bach rendition.

Is It Better to Speak or to Die?

Time was precious because Oliver would be leaving soon, so when Elio's mother, who seemed to sense Elio's dilemma, read aloud from Marguerite of Navarre's 16th century romantic Hempateron, "Is it better to speak or to die?" about a knight who was in love with a woman but was unable to express his love to her, Elio took this as a sign that he must tell Oliver how he feels.

This is a pivotal moment in the book and the movie because these words, "Is it better to speak or to die," embolden Elio to express his feelings to Oliver.  At that point, he knows that if he doesn't express his feelings, Oliver would leave and Elio would regret not speaking or knowing how Oliver felt.

This is especially relevant for gay or bisexual men and women when they're not sure if the person they're attracted to feels the same way:  Is it better to take the risk to speak or to allow the moment to pass and never know what might have been?

So often in life, for all of us, there are times when we must ask ourselves if it's worth the risk to say how we feel or to allow the moment to pass.  In this story, Elio speaks and, in retrospect, remembers one of the most poignant moments of his life.

I won't give away the rest of the book or movie.  If you haven't read the book or seen the movie, I highly recommend both.

About Me
I am a NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is working with the LGBTQ population.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Movies: Infidelity, Triangulation and Betrayal in "Lover For a Day"

The last film of the Philippe Garrel's French trilogy, Lover For a Day, deals with many of the same themes of his prior films, including emotional intimacy, infidelity, triangulation, jealousy and betrayal (see my articles about these topics, including: The Connection Between Infidelity and the Need to Feel Desirable, Relationships: Coping With Infidelity, Coping With Secrets and Lies in Your Relationship and Getting Involved in a Love Triangle).

Movies: Infidelity, Triangulation and Betrayal in "Lover For a Day"

After a breakup, Jeanne, portrayed by the filmmaker's daughter, Ester Garrel, who also appears in Call Me By Your Name, leaves the apartment that she shared with her boyfriend.  Distraught, she heads to her father's nearby apartment because she needs a place to stay.

When she arrives at her father's apartment, Jeanne assumes that her father, Gilles, is alone. She tells Gilles, portrayed by Eric Caravaca, about the breakup.

Then, she is surprised to see a woman's makeup case on her father's kitchen table.  A little thrown by this discovery, she asks her father if she has come at an inconvenient time.  Gilles, a loving father who is a philosophy professor, responds by with reassurance that she is not disturbing him, he makes up the couch for her and tells her to try to get some sleep.

The next morning after Gilles leaves for work, Jeanne meets Gilles' girlfriend, Adriane, portrayed by Louise Chevillote, who is a student at Gilles' college.

Both Jeanne and Adriane are the same age, 23, and Adriane asks Jeanne if she minds that her father is with a woman who is the same age as she is.  Although Jeanne says she doesn't mind, this questionable based on her actions later on in the film.

Adriane tells Jeanne how she seduced Gilles, even though he resisted at first.  She also reveals that she has been living with Gilles for a few months, and they are keeping their relationship a secret at the college where Gilles is a professor.

Thus begins a triangle between Jean, Gilles and Adriane that raises questions about gender issues, infidelity, family loyalty, betrayal, secrets, and infidelity.

Both Jeanne and Adriane keep each other's secrets from Gilles in what appears to be a friendly alliance between the two women.  But appearances are deceiving.

Are the betrayals in the film conscious or unconscious on the characters' parts?

It's difficult to say, and the characters in the film might not know themselves.  Such is the power of the unconscious mind that motivates behavior that might only be clear after the fact, and maybe not even then.

I won't give away the rest of the plot because I think this movie is worth seeing.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.  

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Theme of Complicated Grief in the Film, Phantom Thread

Phantom Thread is the latest film by Paul Thomas Anderson featuring Daniel Day-Lewis as Reynolds Woodcock, a middle-aged high society dress designer in 1950s London.  At first, as you view the film, you might think that this is only a story about a narcissistic, obsessive genius who is rigid and fussy and must have everything in his own ritualized way in order to create.  But this film is so much more than that.  At the heart of the film and at the core of Reynolds' emotional problems is his inability to mourn the loss of his mother, who inspired him to be a dress designer (see my articles:  Complicated Grief and Unresolved Mourning, Inconsolable Grief For a Mother's Death, and Grief in Waiting After the Death of a Parent).

The Theme of Complicated Grief in the Film, Phantom Thread

Early on in the film, we see Reynolds, who works obsessively designing dresses, at the breakfast table with his sister Cyril (Lesley Manville) and his current girlfriend, Joanna (Camilla Rutherford).

When his girlfriend tries to get his attention, he becomes annoyed that Joanna is interrupting his work.  He has rigid daily rituals that include no interruptions, no noise at breakfast and no other distracting diversions--otherwise, the rest of his day is ruined beyond repair and he cannot work.

Clearly, whereas Joanna might have been a muse to him in the past, Reynolds has now grown tired of her  and sees her as a distraction to his work and someone who has outlived her welcome in his home.

In a restaurant scene with Cyril, Reynolds talks about their deceased mother as looking down from the afterlife and "watching over" him.  There is something tender and boyish about Reynolds' tone and manner, which are like a small boy's wish to be held safely and protected by his mother.

In the same scene, Reynolds tells Cyril that he hopes his mother saw and liked the new dress that he designed for one of his high society clients.  He says that, far from being spooky to him, he finds the idea that the dead watch over the living as "comforting" and it comforts him to feel that his mother watches over him.  

With a sad, wistful look, Reynolds asks Cyril if she thinks their mother likes the recent dress that he designed, and Cyril responds with empathy and indulgence that she thinks their mother does like it.  She listens to him patiently and lovingly, but she also seems concerned about him, especially as he talks about their mother watching over him.

Cyril understands her brother because, in effect, she has taken over the maternal role of "watching over" his business and personal affairs.  She suggests that Reynolds go to their country place to rest.  And since she thinks it's unkind to allow Joanna to wait endlessly for Reynolds, she suggests that she will stay in London and dispatch Joanna with one of Reynolds' dresses as a form of consolation.  In response, Reynolds agrees to rest in the country and allow Cyril to handle the messiness of his breakup.

Soon after, when Reynolds meets a young waitress, Alma (Vicky Krieps), he is ravenous.  You get the sense as you watch him order and devour a huge meal that his hunger goes beyond food.  He is also ravenous on an emotional level that he probably doesn't understand.

In Alma, he has found his new muse.  On their first date, he tells her how his mother taught him to design dresses when he was young, and since that time, he has taken on his mother's dress designing profession.

He also tells Alma that he always carries a lock of his mother's hair which is sewn in the canvass of his jacket so he can keep it close to his heart.  In other words, he has internalized his mother on many levels, and yet it's not enough to satisfy his longing and need for maternal love.

Back at his country home, he shows Alma a framed picture of his mother in the wedding dress that he designed for her by himself at age 16 for his mother's second marriage.

He also explains that there are many superstitions that some women believe about wedding dresses, including that unmarried women who touch someone else's wedding dress will be "cursed" and never marry.  He explains that this was the reason why their governess refused to help him complete his mother's wedding dress.  But, in his hour of need, his sister, Cyril, helped him to complete the dress.

In response, Alma asks him if Cyril ever got married, and he says that she did not, the question as to whether Cyril was a victim of the "curse" lingering in the air.  In fact, the ambiguous theme of being "cursed" comes up several times in the film.

Reynolds also tells Alma that he sews secret messages in the hem of each dress, and we see this later on when Alma finds a small tag in a princess's wedding dress with a message sewn on it that says "Never cursed."  These secret messages, along with the idea of his mother protectively hovering above him in the afterlife, take on a "phantom" quality.

The core theme of Reynolds' complicated grief continues to come up throughout the film, and it becomes apparent that this "confirmed bachelor," as he describes himself, cannot sustain a relationship with a woman, in part, because he has never let go of his mother as the primary woman in his life.  

At one point, when he is delirious with a fever, he has a hallucination of his mother standing in his bedroom watching over him in the wedding dress that he designed for her.  To Reynolds, the appearance of his mother is real.  He looks at her longingly with tears in his eyes and tells her how much he misses her and he wishes he could hear her speak.

By then, his relationship with Alma has gotten complicated, as his prior relationships have in the past.  Alma is living with Reynolds and Cyril in their beautiful London apartment where he spends most of his time designing his dresses.  We begin to see how he is starting to find Alma's ways grating and he is beginning to distance himself from her.

On a superficial level, this emotional distancing is about Reynolds focusing on his work.  But, on a deeper level, I sensed that the emotional distancing was also a pattern in his relationships in order to keep his mother as the primary woman in his life.  No woman will replace her so, sooner or later, each woman must go.

But Alma, who initially appears to be a simple, young woman who is infatuated with Reynolds and who is willing to orbit around his glamorous world of high fashion, is different from his prior girlfriends.  She won't allow herself to be easily disregarded and dismissed, and she finds a unique and insightful way to make herself emotionally indispensable to him, which eventually satisfies both of their emotional needs.

I won't give away the rest of the plot, but I highly recommend that you see the film and try to keep an open mind while you're viewing it.

As I mentioned before, this film is not what it initially appears to be.  It has a nuanced plot, wonderful acting by the three main actors, beautiful scenery and music, and there is a lot more to it than Reynolds' complicated grief.

You might even want to see it twice because after you see it the first time, you will probably sense that there is much more to it than can be grasped in one viewing, and you will need a second viewing to appreciate the beauty and complexity of the film.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

One of my specialties is helping clients to work through complicated grief and mourning.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Movies: "45 Years": An Old Secret Haunts a Loving Long-Term Marriage

In the movie, 45 Years, an old secret, which is suddenly thrust upon them, haunts an older married couple, who were, seemingly, happily married for many years (for 45 years, hence, the name of the movie).  They face the emotional challenge, both alone and together, that could ruin their relationship.

An Old Secret Haunts a Loving Long-Term Marriage*

Until this old secret surfaces, the couple, Kate and Geoff Mercer (portrayed beautifully by Charlotte Rampling and Tom Courtnay) seem to have an ordinary, serene life in their retirement in the beautiful English countryside.

Suddenly, their world is upended by a letter that Geoff receives about a deceased girlfriend, Katya, who died during a mountaineering accident when Katya and Geoff were very young, and whose body was just found intact in a glacier after all of these years.

Geoff's short-lived romantic relationship with Katya preceded his relationship with Kate, and he told Kate about it many years before.

But as he starts to ruminate about Katya and he sinks into a depressed state about this old loss, Kate begins to realize that he never revealed to her how important that past relationship was to him.  They never talked much about it, and the news about finding Katya's body is now threatening their marriage.

It haunts both Geoff and Kate in different ways.

For Geoff, the power of memory has overtaken him.  He can't sleep.  He starts smoking again.  He is preoccupied and lost in thought about his short, youthful romance with Katya.  He wants to immerse himself in pictures and mementos of her.  When he speaks about his old romance to Kate, he calls Katya "my Katya."

Initially, Kate comforts herself by telling herself that Geoff's youthful romance with Katya was very brief and a long time ago, especially compared to the many years that he and Kate have been married.  After all, Kate and Geoff have had a whole lifetime together, and it's been a good life.

She reasons to herself:  A brief romance from many years ago with a woman who is long dead can't compete with their 45 year marriage.

And, yet, it does in ways that gradually unfold in this movie.

Kate makes her own secret discoveries into Geoff's past romantic attachment to Katya.

As Kate becomes more aware of the effect of this old romance, she wonders how she can compete with the memory of an attractive, young lover who is deceased, but who is still very much alive in Geoff's memory.

Over the course of only one week, with the backdrop of Kate planning a big party for their 45th wedding anniversary, it gradually dawns on Kate that all of her assumptions about her husband and their marriage might be wrong:

• How does Geoff really feel about Kate and their marriage?
• How well does she understand Geoff's romantic history with Katya? 
• Has Geoff been secretly harboring unspoken feelings for Katya all along throughout their long marriage? 
• How can she be jealous of a ghost from the past?
• Would Geoff still have married her if Katya was still alive?
• Now that these secrets have come to light, what does all of this mean for their marriage?
• What is the truth about about their marriage?

Far from being melodramatic, 45 Years, is a the story of a very ordinary couple and the devastating effects of time and memory, which can change everything.  This is what makes it so haunting:  It could happen to anyone.

Without giving too much away, the expression on Kate's face, which is so dissonant from the all the revelry around her at the anniversary party, says it all.

Time seems to stand still for Kate and her expression tells us everything there is to know about how she feels and her dawning emotional awareness.

But there are no easy answers for this couple--just as there are no easy answers for any couple faced with this emotional dilemma.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about it, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.



*The couple in this picture are not from the movie.  The picture is from Shutterstock.

Psychotherapy Blog: An Inspiring and Uplifting Film: "Nicky's Family"

I recently watched the movie, Nicky's Family, for the second time within the last year, and I enjoyed it even more the second time than the first.

Czechoslovakia:  The Country Where Over 660 Children Were Saved by Nicholas Winton

In case you haven't seen this wonderful documentary yet, I highly recommend that you see it (it's now available on Netflix and Amazon), especially if  you like inspiring and uplifting movies.

"Nicky's Family" is a documentary by Natej Minac about Nicholas Winton, currently 104 years old, who saved the lives of over 660 Jewish children in Nazi-occupied Czechoslovakia by arranging to transport them from their country to loving homes in England.

This was an immense undertaking during that time, before there were computers and before the Internet.

He met with the parents, who made the tremendous sacrifice of giving up their children, realizing that, in all likelihood, they would never see them again.  But these parents also knew that allowing Nicholas Winton to find their children new homes in England was the only way that their children would survive.

It's hard to imagine how devastatingly painful it must have been for the parents of these children to let them go--to say nothing of how frightening it had to be for these children to be transported by train to a country completely unknown to them.

These children, who now have grandchildren, would have certainly been killed in Nazi concentration camps during World War II if it were not for the dedicated work of Nicholas Winton, who worked against formidable odds to save their lives.

After the war, Mr. Winton (now Sir Winton) modestly kept quiet about his work--until his wife discovered the book that he kept with all of the names, pictures and records of the British adoptions for these children.

In 1988, he was honored on the BBC show, "That's Life," where he got to meet the people that he saved in the audience.  This is one of many poignant moments in the film.  And his modesty, so emblematic of people in the 1940s, is deeply moving and refreshing.

The documentary is narrated by Canadian journalist, Joe Schlesinger, who was also one of the children that was saved by Nicholas Winton.

A Child Today in the Czech Republic

Not only do we hear the personal stories of their lives from these individuals who were saved, we also get to meet their children and grandchildren, many of whom, inspired by Winton, have gone on to do their own devoted work for children all around the world.

We hear the word "hero" a lot these days.  Nicholas Winton is a hero in every sense of the word and deserves the recognition that he is finally getting after so many years.

This is a heart-warming true story that will lift your spirits.

About Me
I am a NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Sexual Reawakening of an Older Woman With a Younger Man: Movie: Bright Days Ahead

In a prior article, Overcoming Lack of Intimacy: Movie: Hope Springs, I discussed the main characters' (Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones) long term sexless marriage and the wife's attempts to recharge their sexual life in the context of this issue being a common problem in many long term marriages.

Misconceptions and Stereotypes About Older Women

Looking at Misconceptions and Stereotypes About Older Women
I recently went to see the movie, Bright Days Ahead (Les Beaux Jours), a French movie starring Frances Ardant (Truffant's The Woman Next Door), Patrick Chesnais (The Diving Bell and the Butterfly), Laurent Lafitte, and directed by Marion Vernoux.

Bright Days Ahead is about a 60 year old woman, Caroline (Ardant), as she is coming to terms with the unexpected death of a close friend who was close to her age, and a long-term marriage that is loving and comfortable but without passion.

After the shock of her friend's sudden death, Caroline decides to retire from her dental practice to reassess her life.  Her well-meaning daughter gives her a gift in the form of a membership to a senior center, which is called Bright Days Ahead, to help Caroline fill her time.

Initially, Caroline is put off by the condescending instructors and the activities for seniors at Bright Days Ahead which have no meaning for her.  She feels above it and she is ready to dismiss the idea of attending the center.  But when she meets the computer instructor,  Julien  (Lafitte), who is a handsome, sexy man in his late 30s, she has second thoughts.

After Julien comes on to her, Caroline begins a May-December sexual affair with him as part of her  sexual and emotional reawakening.

I won't give away the rest of the plot.

Although Bright Days Ahead and Ardant's character are not without their flaws, it's rare to find a movie about an attractive, poised, confident woman in her early 60s, who rediscovers her sexual passion and who has no illusions about this younger man or about the sexual affair.

I think there will be some cultural issues for American audiences, who will probably be more judgmental about the infidelity and how it affects Caroline's husband and their relationship.  I admit that I felt myself bristle at how Caroline carried on this affair, even going to places where she risked running into friends of hers and her husband's, and potentially hurting her husband and her marriage.

But, if you're able to put these issues aside for a moment (no easy task, I know), I think the movie has a lot to say to counter the stereotypes of older woman being unattractive, sexless beings who are destined to be "put out to pasture" when they reach their 60s (see my article: Making Peace with the Aging Process).

Of course, you don't have to have a sexual affair to reawaken the passion in your life, whether it's sexual passion or a passion for life in general.

When I was a child, I thought 60 was very old.  Part of this was based on seeing the way my grandmother aged.  At the time, I didn't know how sick she was and how this affected the aging process for her.  But, even so, in my grandmother's day, people thought of themselves as being old by the time they were in their 60s.  And it wasn't unusual for men, who retired at 65, to only live a few years after their retirement.

These days, people who are in relatively good health, are living past their 80s and 90s.  Many people retire now and start new careers.  Often, they decide to take a new career path in a field that they find more meaningful than their original careers.  Or, they take up a new hobby that they didn't have time for before.

As Americans, we're obsessed with youth and staying young.  I think Bright Days Ahead challenges many ideas about aging, relationships, what's "appropriate" when it comes to younger and older lovers and for this alone, I think it's worth seeing this movie.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see: Indiewire interview with Fanny Ardant about Bright Days Ahead

Movies: Discovering a Father's Secret Life After His Death

I recently went to see "Before and After Dinner With Andre", a wonderful documentary about actor and director Andre Gregory, which was made by his wife Cindy Kleine.  Many people will remember Andre Gregory from the film, "My Dinner With Andre".  

One of the themes in Before and After Dinner is that Mr. Gregory discovers information in a book that implicates his late father, a Russian Jew, as a Nazi collaborator.  Mr. Gregory begins a search to discover if his father was leading a secret life.

Movies: Discovering a Father's Secret After His Death

Unraveling the Mystery of a Father's Secret Life
Most of us can only imagine how painful it could be to try to unravel and piece together such a mystery about one's own father, and how many questions this would raise, especially after a father's death when he's no longer around to answer questions.  The film, which will be released in other cities in the US soon, is worth seeing, so I don't want to give it away.

Although most of us will never have to deal with a mystery of this magnitude about our fathers, it's not unusual for questions to arise after a father's death about some aspect of his life, and for adult children to search for answers about his life.

There's also a book that was recently published, After Visiting Friends: A Son's Story, written by Michael Hainey.  I haven't read the book, but it sounds intriguing.  According to the reviews that  I've read, the author was told when he was a child that his father died "after visiting friends," which was a euphemism for a secret aspect of his father's life.  So, Mr. Hainey sets out to discover what really happened to his father.

The Adult Child Must Be Emotionally Prepared to Discover the Father's Secret
I've worked with clients in my psychotherapy practice in NYC who had reason to believe, after their fathers died, that their fathers led secret lives that these clients felt compelled to discover.  

This type of search can become an all-consuming endeavor because of the amount of effort that's often required to find out "the truth."  And, at times, even with an exhaustive search, the results of the search might be ambiguous.  Also, the child, who is now an adult, must be emotionally prepared to learn whatever there might be to discover about his or her deceased father.

In many cases, just knowing that there were possible secrets can be jarring for the adult child, as described by Andre Gregory in the film, Before and After Dinner, to find out that the father you thought you knew while he was alive isn't who you thought he was--or you didn't have the whole story.

Often, this type of search about one's deceased father is not only about trying to discover information about who the father really was, but also an effort to try to understand what this means with regard to the father-child relationship.

This type of search can evoke many different kinds of emotions, including sadness, anger, and feelings of betrayal and abandonment, depending upon the father's secret and why a part of the father's life was kept secret from the child.

It can cause the adult child to wonder about the meaning of a father's secret life and how it might reflect on his or her relationship with the father when the father was alive.

Ultimately, whether an adult child decides to initiate such an investigation about a father is a very personal choice.  There are some people who would rather not know.

In any case, I highly recommend the documentary, "Before and After Dinner", which is both funny and poignant.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.