Family Estrangements Due to Homophobia, Biphobia and Transphobia

It's unfortunate that many LGBTQIA adult children are estranged from at least one family member due to homophobia, biphobia or transphobia. 

Emotional Support to Cope With Homophobia, Biphobia, Transphobia

This article will explore the reasons for these types of estrangements and suggest ways to get emotional support if you have been ostracized by one or more family members (see my articles: Coming Out as LGBTQIA and Coping With Homophobia in Your Family).

What is Homophobia, Biphobia and Transphobia?

Family members often feel fear, discomfort and mistrust of other family members who are LGBTQIA adults (see my article: Being the "Different One" in Your Family).

Heterosexual, gay, lesbian and bisexual people can also be transphobic and there is often fear and mistrust of bisexual people among heterosexual, gay, lesbian and trans people.

What is Internalized Homophobia, Biphobia and Transphobia?

Internalized homophobia, biphobia and transphobia is feeling phobic toward one's own sexual orientation or gender identity. This can range from minor discomfort to internalized self hatred.

Emotional Support to Cope With Homophobia, Biphobia and Transphobia

An internalized phobia about one's own sexual orientation or gender identity can lead to hiding and feeling the need to "prove" a heterosexual identity in order to fit in. 

This often involves concealing oneself from close family members, friends, colleagues and others. 

Internalized phobia can also lead to a pervasive fear of being outed by others or that people in their life will find out in some other way, which can create, fear, anxiety and loneliness.

Why Do Families Cut Off Their LGBTQIA Family Members?

The following are the most common reasons for cutting off an LGBTQIA family member:

• Refusal to Accept an Identity That is Different From Their Own: Many family members refuse to accept that their adult LGBTQIA children or siblings have an identity that's different from what they consider acceptable. Family members who stray from what is perceived as the family identity are often ostracized.

• Shame About How the Family is Perceived By Their Community: Shame and embarrassment about how the family will be perceived by their community is often a reason why family members cut off LGBTQIA family members. The community might include their church or house of worship, neighbors, other family members outside the immediate family work colleagues and others.

• Fear of Deviating From Family Values or Religion: In many families any deviation from what is considered the heteronormative feels like a threat to the family. This is especially true in enmeshed families where family members are expected to follow established norms and values. Family values often includes strict adherence to intolerant religious and discriminatory views.

• Insecurity About Their Own Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity: People who are insecure about their own sexual identity or gender identity often fear that if one family member isn't heterosexual, their own sexual orientation and gender might be threatened.

• Refusal to Deal With Their Own Secret Sexual Orientation and Identity: Family members who have internalized phobia about their own secret sexual orientation and gender identity might ostracize family members who have come out because they fear their own non-heterosexual identity might be discovered. By ostracizing the family member, who has come out, they hope to try to "prove" they are heterosexual and loyal to their family's values.

• Refusal to Set Boundaries With Other Phobic Family Members: Even when the immediate family accepts their LGBTQIA family member, they might not set appropriate boundaries with other family members who make phobic remarks. Even though they might not agree with these negative remarks, they are too afraid to confront the offending family members.

How to Take Care of Yourself If You Are Estranged From Your Family Due to Homophobia, Biphobia or Transphobia

Coming out to family members, especially family members who tend to be phobic, is a brave act.

Being ostracized from your family due to your sexual orientation or gender identity is an emotionally painful experience. It can exacerbate internalized phobia at a time when you might not feel grounded and safe in your identity.

Hopefully there's at least one family member who is accepting and supportive but, if there isn't, it's important to find an LGBTQIA community in your area if it exists or online.

Just finding others who identify as you do can be affirming. Even if you talk to just one person who has the same sexual orientation and gender identity as you can be helpful.

Get Emotional Support: LGBTQIA Organizations in New York City:

As of the date of this article, the following organizations can provide support for the LGBTQ population in New York City:

• LGBTQ Community Center: (212) 620-7310

• Astrea Lesbian Foundation For Justice: (212) 529-8021

• Identity House: Support Groups, Peer Counseling Therapy Referrals and Resources: (212) 243-8181

Self Care and Pride

• Callen-Lorde Community Center: (212) 271-7200

• GMHC (Gay Men's Health Crisis): (212) 367-1000

• The Audre Lorde Project (Brooklyn): (718) 596-0342

• Institute For Contemporary Psychotherapy (ICP) - Center For Gender and Sexuality: (212) 333-3444 (Affordable Psychotherapy)

• Institute For Human Identity: (212) 243-2830 (Affordable Psychotherapy)

Get Emotional Support: LGBTQIA Organizations Outside New York City

Outside of New York City, you can contact the following hotline as of the date of this article:

• LGBT National Hotline: 888-843-4564

• PFLAG: Support, Education and Advocacy For LGBTQIA People and Their Families: PFLAG Contact Information Link

Getting Help in Therapy

You are not alone.

Working with a licensed LGBTQIA affirmative mental health professional can provide you with the emotional support and tools you need to take care of yourself.

Get Help in Therapy

You might need to grieve family relationships and friends who are not supportive of your sexual orientation or gender identity before you can thrive in your life, but seeking help is the first step.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an LGBTQIA allied psychotherapist so you can lead a more fulfilling life with pride and dignity.

My Other Articles About Family Estrangements

Estrangements Between Parents and Their Adult Children

Family Estrangements: Understanding the Barriers to Reconciliation

How Trauma Therapy Can Help to Cope With Family Estrangements

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples, including the LGBTQIA community.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

    

Books: Call Me By Your Name - Part 2: The Concept of Living Parallel Lives

In my prior article about the book, Call Me By Your Name, I focused on the phrase, "Is it better to speak or to die?," a question that spurred the main character, Elio, to reveal his romantic feelings to Oliver, the graduate student staying in Elio's family's vacation home in Northern Italy.  In my current article, I'm focusing on another concept that came up in the book (but not in the movie of the same name) about living parallel lives--living the life you have chosen as well as the fantasy of the life you might have wanted on some level but did not choose.

Living Parallel Lives

There are many ambiguities in the book as well as in the movie.  But the part about living parallel lives seemed clearer to me in terms of Oliver's and Elio's enduring romantic feelings for each other even many years later.

When I read what Oliver told Elio about his own experience with parallel lives, I thought about how common this is for many people, especially with regard to relationships.

Whenever we choose one person, we are letting go of other possible choices (see my article:  Explorations in Psychotherapy of the Road Not Taken in Life).

Inevitably, many people experience regrets and a sense of loss for their relationship choices--if not immediately, then perhaps later in life.  But most people make choices given who they are and what they know about themselves, information they have about the situation, and options available to them at the time that they are making the choice.

These can be difficult choices.  Letting go of alternatives can be very challenging.  This can lead to the concept of living parallel lives--living the life chosen as well as the fantasy of the one not chosen.

Living in the 21st century, when it comes to relationships, there has never been a time when it was easier to continue to fantasize about the person you didn't choose or who didn't choose you (see my article: Relationships: Obsessing About the "One Who Got Away").

Unlike the 1980s, when Elio and Oliver had their romance, there's so much information now online that you can keep up with what is going on with your ex and continue to fantasize about what your life might have been like if you were still with that person.

Spoiler Alert:  If you haven't read the book, you might want to stop reading at this point.

As I mentioned in my prior article, unlike the movie, the book is written from Elio's perspective, so it's important to keep in mind that his perspective might not be accurate.  Like anyone else, his view could be distorted.

When they met many years later and Oliver talked to Elio about his own experience of living parallel lives--his actual life with his wife and family and his fantasy of what life might have been like if he remained with Elio, Elio seemed surprised that he was still on Oliver's mind all this time later.  Not only is Elio on Oliver's mind, but Oliver keeps track of Elio's career, what is going on in Elio's life, and what has gone on with Elio's parents.

The words "cor cordium" (translated as "heart of hearts") comes up twice in the book.

The first time is when Oliver was staying with Elio and his family as a graduate student and Oliver and Elio were in town to pick up the Italian translation of Oliver's manuscript. Oliver asked Elio if he knew who drowned in that area.  Elio, who was precocious for his age, responded that it was the poet, Shelley.

Then, Oliver asked Elio if he knew what Shelley's wife and friends did when they found Shelley's body.  Elio responded "cor cordium" referring to when Shelley's friend seized Shelley's heart before it was consumed in the fire as it was being cremated on the shore.  The same two words were engraved on Shelley's gravestone.

Oliver's response was to ask Elio, "Is there anything you don't know?"  At that point, Elio saw his chance to seize the moment to reveal to Oliver, rather cryptically, that he had romantic feelings for Oliver.

The second time that "cor cordium" came up was when they met many years later and Oliver revealed that he kept the framed postcard of a place called Monet's berm that he took from Elio's room when he stayed in Elio's home as a graduate student. This is significant because Monet's berm is the place where Oliver and Elio first kissed and Elio revealed his feelings for him.

The prior history of the framed postcard was that a prior graduate student, who stayed with Elio's family, found it at a flea market in Paris and sent it to Elio as a souvenir.  This prior student had written on the back of the postcard, "Think of me someday."  When Oliver left Elio's family home in Italy, he took the framed postcard with him to remind him of the day that Elio revealed his feelings for him on Monet's berm.

Oliver showed Elio that he kept the framed postcard in his office where he saw it everyday.  He said he added his own inscription to the back and hoped to send it back to Elio.

At first, when Elio asked Oliver what he wrote, Oliver told Elio that he wanted it to be a surprise when he sent it back to Elio.  But when Elio told him that he didn't like surprises, Oliver revealed that he wrote "cor cordium" on the back of the card.

The framed postcard of Monet's berm was part of Oliver's parallel life of fantasizing about their romance with Elio.

There is much that is ambiguous about the book and the movie.  Possibly, the author, Andre Aciman, meant the story to be ambiguous because of Oliver and Elio's feelings were conflicted at times.

It is unclear why Oliver chose the conventional life that he did with his on-again/off-again relationship with his then-girlfriend.  One possibility is revealed earlier in the book when Oliver was very conflicted about getting sexually involved with Elio.  He told Elio that they should not talk about such things when Elio lets him know how he feels about him, as if a man loving another man is a taboo subject.

Oliver's emotional conflict was revealed in several other ways:  After they kissed, he told Elio that, until that point, they were "good" (before they got sexually involved) and he wanted to be "good," the implication being that getting sexually involved would be "bad" or wrong.

In addition, since Oliver was about to become a professor, he had more to lose professionally if he were in a gay relationship (this was the 1980s).

He also told Elio that, unlike Elio's parents who were more liberal and accepting of Elio and Oliver's  love for each other, Oliver's father would be alarmed if he knew that Oliver got involved with a man.  Oliver said his father would take him to a correctional facility if he found out.

Then, of course, there's the age difference of 17 vs 24, which at that stage of life made a big difference, and the geographic distance between them with Elio being in Europe and Oliver in New York City at that point.

For all of his bravado and outward appearance of confidence, Oliver lacked confidence at that stage in his life, as Elio's father astutely observed.  So, that in addition to all the other obstacles of remaining involved with Elio, Oliver might not have felt confident enough to be in a gay relationship with all the problems there would have been in the 1980s.

Neither the book nor the movie reveal if Oliver had any prior involvement with men.  My sense is that, even though Oliver might have known he was bisexual, he probably never acted on his feelings for men before Elio.

Or, it was also possible that Oliver never had these feelings for men before (as opposed to Elio, who revealed in the book that he had attractions for men, but never acted on them).

This is part of the problem when the issue is viewed from a gender binary perspective where people are seen as being either gay, straight or bisexual.  When there is ambiguity as there is in Call Me By Your Name, the problem with the gender binary perspective adds to the confusion.

In any case, neither Elio nor Oliver have completely suppressed their feelings for each other, even though this is difficult given that they are not together and they each feel sad about that.

The end of the book was also ambiguous and seemed to hint at a possible sequel.

If there is a sequel, will Elio and Oliver get together years later or will they continue to live separate but parallel lives where they still love each other but are not directly involved in each other's lives?

It's anyone's guess.

I believe the book as well as the movie have great general appeal because, regardless of sexual orientation, the inner conflicts that Oliver and Elio experience about love and loss are universal themes.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping people, heterosexual and LGBTQ, to overcome problems in their lives and their relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Books: Call Me By Your Name: Part 1: Is It Better to Speak or to Die?

In a prior article, I discussed Andre Aciman's book, Enigma Variations.  In this article, I'm focusing on an earlier book by Andre Aciman, Call Me By Your Name.  

After I saw the beautiful movie, Call Me By Your Name, I wanted to know more about the two main characters, Elio and Oliver (portrayed by Timothee Chalamet and Armie Hammer, respectively, in the movie), so I read Andre Aciman's book by the same name.

Is It Better to Speak or to Die?

Both the movie and the book are a sensual feast: a lush Italian countryside, a beautiful villa, sunshine, a seemingly endless summer, delicious food, an abundance of Italian wine, the scents of flowers and herbs, beautiful music, the warmth of the sun, the beach, and sensual bodies.

The movie is a close translation of Andre Aciman's book, but it is, of necessity, more compressed. Even though the movie differs in some aspects from the book, it maintains the same emotional tone.

In the book and the movie, it's 1983 and Elio Perlman, a 17 year old boy, and his family are at their vacation home, a 17th century villa inherited from Elio's maternal grandfather in Northern Italy.  In the book, the story is told in retrospect from Elio's point of view many years after he and Oliver first met.

The Perlman family had a tradition of inviting a doctoral student every year to spend six weeks in the summer at their villa so the graduate students could complete their book manuscripts while enjoying all the villa had to offer.  In return, the students spent an hour or so each week helping Elio's father, who was a classics professor, with his paperwork.

Over the years, these graduate students maintained contact with the Perlmans by writing, sending packages for the holidays, visiting them again and remembering their summer as graduate students in their home.  The Perlmans also had many other interesting guests, gay and straight, from all walks of life, which added to the atmosphere of camaraderie and stimulating conversations at dinner.

When Elio first met 24 year old Oliver, an American graduate student from Columbia University, who was working on a manuscript about the ancient Greek philosopher, Heraclitus, Elio disliked the way Oliver said, "Later!" in such a flippant way whenever Oliver departed.

Even at the young age of 17, Elio was an introspective individual and he found Oliver to be too casual and detached.  At that point, Elio wasn't sure if he liked Oliver or not.  But as Elio continued to observe Oliver, who was a tall, handsome, muscular man, Elio found himself fascinated and obsessed with him.  He also felt an affinity for Oliver because they were both Jewish.

In the book, although Elio had enough self awareness to know that he was bisexual, he was confused by his developing romantic and sexual feelings for Oliver, and he was perplexed as to whether Oliver felt the same way about him.

Is It Better to Speak or Die?

When Oliver massaged Elio's shoulders, which Elio desired, but the feelings that Oliver's touch elicited in Elio also frightened him.  Elio jerked away because he felt himself about to go limp in surrender to Oliver.

Then there is the flirtation when Elio, who was a musical prodigy, played Bach's "Aria of the Postillon" from Capriccio on the Departure of a Beloved Brother.  Oliver was touched when he heard Elio play the aria on the guitar and then on the piano.  When Oliver asked Elio to play the aria again, Elio teased him by playing different variations of it, knowing that Oliver wanted to hear the original Bach rendition.

Is It Better to Speak or to Die?

Time was precious because Oliver would be leaving soon, so when Elio's mother, who seemed to sense Elio's dilemma, read aloud from Marguerite of Navarre's 16th century romantic Hempateron, "Is it better to speak or to die?" about a knight who was in love with a woman but was unable to express his love to her, Elio took this as a sign that he must tell Oliver how he feels.

This is a pivotal moment in the book and the movie because these words, "Is it better to speak or to die," embolden Elio to express his feelings to Oliver.  At that point, he knows that if he doesn't express his feelings, Oliver would leave and Elio would regret not speaking or knowing how Oliver felt.

This is especially relevant for gay or bisexual men and women when they're not sure if the person they're attracted to feels the same way:  Is it better to take the risk to speak or to allow the moment to pass and never know what might have been?

So often in life, for all of us, there are times when we must ask ourselves if it's worth the risk to say how we feel or to allow the moment to pass.  In this story, Elio speaks and, in retrospect, remembers one of the most poignant moments of his life.

I won't give away the rest of the book or movie.  If you haven't read the book or seen the movie, I highly recommend both.

About Me
I am a NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is working with the LGBTQ population.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Fathers and Sons: Coming Out as a Gay Man to Your Father

Coming out to your father as a gay man can be emotionally challenging.  In many families, there's a real risk that you'll be rejected.  I've worked with many gay men of all ages in my psychotherapy practice in NYC who have struggled with this issue.

Fathers and Sons: Coming Out as a Gay Man to Your Father
 

Of course, I've also known both gay men with heterosexual parents who didn't have a problem when they came out to them.  But if you're on the fence about coming out to your father or you've already come out and it has placed a strain on your father-son relationship, you already know how emotionally challenging this can be for both you and your dad.

The following vignette is  a composite of many cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

Alan
Alan knew from the time that he was about 12 years old that he was gay.  Growing up in a traditional family in the Midwest, he didn't feel he could talk to his parents or brothers about it and he felt lonely and confused.

Alan felt especially worried about what his father would think if he knew Alan was gay.  His father was a kind man, but he was also conservative in his values.  Alan didn't want to be a disappointment to him.

When he was in his teens, Alan tried dating girls, but he knew he wasn't interested in girls.  He had crushes on boys, but he didn't dare tell his friends.  He didn't know anyone who was gay, so he continued to have a lot of questions about his sexual orientation until he moved to NYC to go to college, and he met other gay young men.

It was such a relief to meet other young men who felt the same way that he did.  He went out on dates, but he was too afraid to get sexually involved with any of the young men he dated.

He kept his gay social activities a secret from his family.  He thought his mother might understand because she tended to be more open minded than his father.  But it was all so new for him that he wasn't comfortable with his sexual orientation himself, so he decided to start therapy.

After we started working together for a few months, Alan began to feel more comfortable as a gay man.  He realized that before he felt more accepting of himself, it would have been hard to come out to his parents.

To make it easier for Alan, we developed a plan where he would start with the person he thought would be the most accepting and easiest to talk to.  Alan chose his younger brother, who tended to be more liberal than the rest of the family.  And his younger brother was encouraging, supportive and happy that Alan came out to him.

One by one, Alan called his brothers and, to his surprise, each one of them told him that, even though they might not understand it, they loved him and wanted him to be happy.

Feeling a little more confident, he spoke to his mother, who told Alan that she had sensed from the time he was a young boy that he might be gay.  She was tearful and told him that she worried about him getting HIV.  Alan told her that he had not been sexual with a man yet, but he assured her that he would be careful.

Then Alan asked his mother how she thought his father would react if he came out to him.  His mother was silent, and then she said she didn't know.  She thought that his father might need time to get used to the idea.  But she thought, ultimately, he would come around.

Until then, Alan's experience of coming out to his family had been mostly positive.  He knew that coming out to his father would be the most challenging part of coming out as a gay man.  Although  his mother never pressured him about it, Alan knew his father wanted him to get married to a woman, have children, and lead a traditional life.

Rather than coming out to his father over the phone, Alan decided to do it in person when he went home for a visit.   Before he went home, Alan had several sessions to talk about his fears about his father rejecting him.  This caused Alan a lot of emotional pain.

Before he went home, Alan purchased a copy of the book, Now That You Know: A Parent's Guide to Understand Your Gay and Lesbian Children, which is written for parents of gay children.  The original plan was for Alan to have the talk with his father on his third day at home. But the day came and went and Alan was too afraid to talk to his father.

So, that night, he wrote his father a letter telling his father how much he loved him and how much he valued their father-son relationship.  He also told him that he was happier than he had ever been now that he could be himself and he hoped his father would understand.

The next day, when they were alone sitting on the porch, Alan handed his father the letter and asked him to read it.  His father hesitated, at first, to open the letter.  Alan's heart was pounding in his chest and his hands were sweating, but he urged his father to read it.  Then, he watched a frown come over his father's face as he read the letter, folded it back up again, and walked away silently into the garden.

Alan continued to sit on the porch.  He felt numb and frozen in place.  He didn't know how to interpret his father's reaction.  He was afraid his worst fears had come true and that his father was upset.  He watched the sun go down, and continued to sit in the same spot until early evening.  When it was time for dinner, Alan's mother told Alan and his brothers that their father wasn't feeling well and he wouldn't be coming down to dinner.  Alan felt tears stinging in his eyes, and he decided he would pack his things after dinner and leave a few days early.

As he was packing that evening, he heard a knock on the door.  When he opened the door, he saw his father standing there, eyes averted, looking at the floor.  Alan didn't know what to expect, but he let his father in.  They sat together on Alan's bed, silently, for what seemed like a long time.  Then, his father spoke in a hoarse voice and said, "I don't understand it.  I'm going to need time, but you're my son and I'll always love you."  He reached over and gave Alan a big hug.  Then, he left before Alan could respond.

Alan left the book for his father to read.  He continued to work in therapy on his coming out process. He realized that it had taken him a while to feel comfortable with being gay, so he knew it would be a process for his father too.

Getting Help in Therapy
The coming out process is different for everyone.  If you're struggling with your own feelings as well as your fears about how your family will react, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in this area.  It could make all the difference in your process.  I've included resources below for gay organizations.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist and EMDR therapist.  I work with individual adults and couples, and one of my specialties is working with lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer clients.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist 

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Resources
LGBT Center - NYC
Gay and Lesbian National Help Center - Hotline
Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays

Coming Out as Gay While You're in a Heterosexual Marriage

Coming out as gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender can be a challenging process for people who have considered themselves to be heterosexual for most of their lives.  It can be even more challenging and confusing if you're already in a heterosexual marriage.  

Coming Out as a Gay Person While You're in a Heterosexual Marriage

The following composite vignette, with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality, illustrates some of the challenges as well as hope and new possibilities for someone who "came out" while in a heterosexual marriage:

Martin:
Martin and his wife, Sally, were married for 10 years.  They mutually decided not to have children before they got married.  Before they got married, Martin told Sally that he had a few sexual encounters with men while he was in college.  But he told her that these were just part of his youthful explorations   as a young college student, and he definitely considered himself to be heterosexual.

Sally thought of herself as an open-mind person, and she had no doubt in her mind that Martin was heterosexual.  She believed Martin when he told her that he had no sexual interest in men.

After 10 years of marriage, their sex life had waned,  It was never very passionate, but neither of them minded.  Martin often came home so exhausted from work that he usually fell asleep before Sally.  They spent their weekends either socializing with friends or family or going out together to one of their favorite museums, restaurants or to the theatre.  Overall, they were both happy in their marriage--until Martin met Paul, a new business client at work.

Paul was a very handsome "out" gay man who was well liked by his business associates for his talent in business as well as his outgoing personality.  Martin's boss considered Paul's company to be an important account, and he wanted Martin to make Paul's company a priority.  As a result, Martin was expected to take Paul out from time to time to work on projects.

Martin felt comfortable with Paul.  It didn't matter to Martin that Paul was gay.  He enjoyed working with him and enjoyed his company.  After a few dinners and over more than a few drinks, Paul asked Martin if he had ever been sexual with a man.  When Martin looked  uncomfortable, Paul apologized and said, "I'm sorry.  I hope you don't mind my saying this, but when I first met you, I was sure you were gay. "  Martin told Paul that he was happily married to Sally, and he definitely considered himself to be heterosexual.  Martin made light of the Paul's comment, and then he tactfully changed the subject.

But, as he drove home, Martin was shaken by Paul's comment.  He wasn't as much offended by his remark as he was confused.  He wondered what Paul might have seen in him to make him think he was gay.  When he mentioned Paul's remark to Sally, they both laughed about it.  But Martin found it difficult to fall asleep that night, and he couldn't stop thinking about it for days.

When it was time for Martin to meet Paul again for dinner, Martin felt anxious.  But he also realized that he was looking forward to seeing Paul.  This made him feel uncomfortable.  He wasn't sure what this was all about.  He knew that he had always enjoyed Paul's company in the past, but there was something different about this.  He tried to invite one of his other colleagues to the dinner, but no one was available on such short notice, so he had to see Paul on his own.  He thought of canceling the dinner, but he knew his boss wouldn't like this, so he met Paul for dinner.

They talked about the business project, which had been going well.  All the while, it was beginning to dawn on Martin that he was physically attracted to Paul.  He rationalized to himself that Paul was a very handsome and charming man, so most people, whether they were gay or heterosexual, would find him attractive. But it bothered him that he felt this way.

After they finished talking about work, Paul mentioned that he was in a long-term relationship with his partner, Tom.  He explained that he and Tom were in an open relationship.  They considered themselves to be primary to each other, but they each saw other men from time to time, mostly for sexual encounters.

Martin talked to Paul about his relationship with Sally, but all the while he felt distracted and confused about his growing attraction to Paul.  After a few drinks, Paul placed his hand gently on Martin's hand.  Martin didn't move his hand away.  He was as surprised by Paul's gesture as well as his own reaction to it.   By the end of the evening, Martin, who had drank quite a bit, went back with Paul to his hotel room and they had passionate sex.  It was the most exciting sex he ever had.

Martin was deeply troubled by his sexual encounter with Paul.  He told himself that he loved his wife, he wasn't gay but, for some unknown reason, he was very drawn to Paul.  He told himself it was something in particular about Paul.  He rationalized that he had much too much to drink that night and he wasn't thinking clearly.  But he had to admit that he enjoyed having sex with Paul, and this bothered him a lot.

When he met Paul for dinner the next time, he refused to drink.  He also told Paul that he made a terrible mistake by going back to his hotel with him--that he was a happily married man, he wasn't gay, and he didn't want to cheat on his wife.  But by the end of the evening, Martin allowed himself to be seduced again and he went back to Paul's hotel.

This was the beginning of Martin's sexual affair with Paul.  Whenever he thought about his wife, Martin felt deeply ashamed.  He didn't want to hurt her, and he didn't want to leave her.  He especially didn't want to think of himself as a gay man.  He didn't even want to think of himself as being bisexual. He told Paul that he didn't understand what was happening to him.  But he had to admit to himself that having sex with Paul was the most exciting sex he had ever had in his life.  He told Paul that he didn't want to put any "labels" on what they were doing.  No commitments.  No promises.

After a few months of getting together with Paul nearly every day, Martin was becoming increasingly unhappy and ashamed.  He didn't like that he was leading a secret life and lying to Sally.  His sex life with Sally had come to a complete halt.  He kept telling her that he was too tired to have sex, and she didn't seem to suspect anything.  He felt highly conflicted about what he was doing.  Each time he told himself and Paul that he wouldn't continue with the affair, he broke his own promise to himself.

When Martin found himself spiraling into a depression, he contacted a therapist who specialized in working with men who considered themselves heterosexual but who were sexually involved with gay men.  It wasn't an easy decision, but he knew he needed to do something.  He couldn't keep leading a double life.

Over time in therapy, Martin was able to accept that he really preferred men.  He realized that his sexual attraction to Paul was not just about Paul--it was about all men.  He also realized that his sexual encounters in college frightened and confused him, which caused him to deny his own feelings for men.  He still loved Sally, but he knew he couldn't keep living a lie.

Soon after that, Martin "came out" to Sally.  He told her about the affair he was having with Paul.  Sally was very shocked and upset.  They both cried.  After the initial shock, Sally was remarkably understanding.  She was hurt and angry that Martin cheated on her, but she knew she needed to let him go.  She loved him enough that she wanted him to be happy.

Martin joined a "coming out" group for men in heterosexual marriages.  He found a lot of support in the group.  He also heard stories that were very similar to his own.  He learned that "coming out" would be a process, and he had to take it one day at a time.

Over time, Martin accepted that he preferred men.  He and Paul ended their affair, and Martin met a man online that he fell in love with.  He continued to face challenges in terms of "coming out" to friends, relatives, and colleagues, but these challenges were easier to face with the support of his therapy and his support group.

The Challenges of "Coming Out"
The vignette above is one of many different scenarios that people face when they are "coming out" while in a heterosexual marriage.

Some people continue in their heterosexual marriage and never fully admit that they are gay or bisexual, not even to themselves.  They live painful, compartmentalized lives because they can't come to terms with their sexual orientation.

Other people tell themselves, as Martin did, that they're really not gay--it's just something in a particular person that they're drawn to.  Others have gay affairs all their lives while remaining in a heterosexual marriage.  They live double lives, ashamed and angry with themselves, always fearing that they'll get caught.

Living in a limbo state can be very painful.  Only you can decide what your sexual orientation is, but an experienced mental health practitioner can guide you through the process of self discovery in an unbiased, nonjudgmental way.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're in a heterosexual marriage and feeling ambivalent or confused about your sexual orientation, you owe it to yourself and your loved ones to get professional help with an experienced licensed mental health practitioner.

If you live in NYC, you can find support groups at the NYC LGBT Center.

You can also contact the GLBT National Help Center.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist who has experience helping adults who are struggling with issues around sexual orientation.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

LGBTQ Relationships: Dealing with Homophobia in Families

As a psychotherapist in New York City, I've worked with many LGBTQ in couples counseling as well as in individual therapy where their families have not accepted that they're gay or that they're in a gay or lesbian relationship. The families' disapproval often causes individuals in gay and lesbian relationships to feel that they have to choose between spending time with their partners and spending time with their families.

LGBTQ Relationships: Dealing with Homophobia in Families

Of course, there are varying degrees of acceptance--everything from outright disapproval to half hearted acceptance to fully embracing the relationship and everything in between. It can be a very heart wrenching decision as to how to handle these situations.

The following scenario is based on a composite of many cases, and it does not represent any particular couple:

Vickie and Susan:
Vickie and Susan had been living together in a committed relationship for over three years when they came to couples counseling. They were both in their early 30s and had successful professions. Susan's family lived in NYC, and Vickie's family lived out of state.

Susan tended to be "out" as a lesbian to her family, at work and in most social situations. Vickie tended to be more reserved and she only told certain people that she was a lesbian. She had never told her family directly that she was a lesbian, but she assumed that they knew and they just never discussed it.

They had many close lesbian and gay friends, both single people and couples, in NYC that they socialized with during the year. But the holiday season often presented a problem. If they were staying in NYC, there was no problem because Susan's family embraced Vickie as their daughter-in-law and made her feel at home. They would also spend time with their friends, both heterosexual and gay.

But there were certain years where Vickie missed her family and they wanted her to spend the holidays with them. In most ways, Vickie was close to her family and she loved them. She liked spending time with her parents, and her older sister. Her family had many holidays rituals that Vickie enjoyed from the time she was a young child. The problem was that, even though they knew that she lived with Susan, she had never told them explicitly that they were life partners.

Both Vickie and Susan wanted Vickie's family to recognize and honor their relationship, but Vickie was too afraid of losing her family if she actually "came out" to them and told them that Susan was her wife. For Vickie, it was one thing for it to be understood that Vickie was a lesbian without having to discuss it, and it was quite another for her to be direct about it.

At certain times, Susan and Vickie would argue about this during other times of the year. Susan wanted Vickie to be more direct and "come out" as a lesbian and introduce Susan as her wife. But their disagreements about this were never as bad as they were during the holiday season.

When Vickie and Susan started couples counseling, Vickie's family was urging her to come to see them for the holidays because they had not seen her the prior two holiday seasons. Vickie felt torn about what to do. On the one hand, she missed her family and she wanted very much to see them. On the other hand, she didn't want to hurt Susan's feelings by going without her or inviting her to come without defining their relationship to her family.

Aside from dealing with homophobia among friends and families, internalized homophobia can be just as challenging, if not more challenging for someone who is a gay man or a lesbian. And both Susan and Vickie had to be willing to look at their own internalized homophobia in couples counseling, especially Vickie, with regard to this situation.

In working through this problem in couples counseling, Susan and Vickie both made a commitment to put their relationship first. Vickie had to confront and overcome her fears about her family's reaction if she told them directly that she was a lesbian and she was in a lesbian relationship. Her worst fear was that her family would cut her off. She also had to look at how she was withholding an important part of herself from her family and the effect this was having for her own internal world, as well as the effect on Susan and their relationship.

As we worked through this issue, we came up with a plan that began by Vickie telling the person in her family who would be most receptive, her older sister. As Vickie expected, her older sister told her that she already knew that Vickie was a lesbian and she suspected that Susan was more than just a "roommate." She told Vickie that she would love to meet Susan. But she agreed with Vickie that their parents probably wouldn't be as receptive to Vickie being openly gay and bringing her partner for the holidays. She told Vickie that she was in her and Susan's corner, no matter how their parents reacted and she would be supportive.

Vickie was relieved that her sister was supportive, but she knew that talking to her parents would be more challenging. They tended to be conservative and not open to people and situations that didn't fit into their values.

Vickie decided to talk to her mother first because she felt that, even though both parents were conservative, her mother was a little more open than her father. When the day came for Vickie to have the conversation with her mother, as we discussed, she "bookended" her call by talking to her best friend first and planning to talk to her after she spoke to her mother. This helped her to feel supported.

Vickie had a plan for how she was going to broach the topic of being a lesbian in a lesbian relationship with her mother, but her mother threw her off by interrupting her and telling her about all she was doing to prepare for the holidays. Vickie listened for a while and she felt herself becoming increasingly anxious. At one point, she considered not telling her mother at all. But she didn't want to go back on her commitment to Susan and the commitment that she made in our couples counseling sessions.

After listening for more than 20 minutes to her mother go on about the holiday preparations, Vickie knew that she had to say something at that point or she might lose her nerve. So, when her mother took a breath, Vickie began by telling her mother that she was the most happy that she had ever been in her life. She was afraid that if she didn't tell her mother this from the outset, her mother might not hear it after she "came out" and talked to her about her lesbian relationship.

Vickie's mother reacted positively and told her that she was pleased that she was happy. Then, Vickie took a deep breath and told her mother, for the first time, that she was a lesbian and Susan is her wife. There was silence on the other end of the phone for a few long seconds. When she spoke, Vickie's mother's tone of voice had completely changed. Whereas she had been upbeat and chipper before, she spoke in a whisper and told Vickie that she must never tell her father this because he would be devastated. She also told Vickie that she never wanted to talk about this again. Then, she began to change the subject.

At that point, as planned, Vickie told her mother that she knew that it might be hard for her to understand, but it was important to her that the family accept that she is a lesbian and that she is in a committed relationship with Susan. 

Again, there was a long pause at the other end, and finally her mother told Vickie in a whisper, "We know you're a lesbian. We figured it out a long time ago. But we don't have to talk about it and you don't need to throw it in our faces. We love you very much, but you can't expect us to talk about this as if it were nothing. And you can't expect us to accept that you're in a gay relationship. If you want to invite Susan to come for the holidays, she can come, but you can't flaunt your relationship and you can't stay in the same room."

Vickie was deeply disappointed, but she was not surprised. As agreed, she told her mother that she couldn't and wouldn't come under these circumstances, and she hoped that they could talk about this in the future and try to work it out. But, for now, she was spending the holiday with Susan and her family. At that point, Vickie's mother hung up the phone, and Vickie didn't speak to her parents for over a year.

Vickie and Susan remained in couples counseling to work through the repercussions of this turn of events. It placed a strain on their relationship, but they were both committed to staying together and working things out. They also strengthened the bonds of their relationships in the lesbian and gay community so they felt supported among other gay people who had similar experiences.

Vickie's older sister was also supportive and she came to NYC to meet Susan and to spend time with them at their apartment. It meant a lot to Vickie to have her sister show support for her and her relationship, even if she wasn't talking to her parents.

Vickie's sister told her that their mother broke down and told their father, even though she had told Vickie not to say anything to him, and he was even more upset about it than their mother. When they weren't discussing it openly, prior to Vickie's call, they put the whole idea of Vickie being gay in the back of their minds. But when Vickie talked about it openly with her mother, it was too confronting for the mother. It also removed any shadow of a doubt that Vickie was a lesbian and that she was in a lesbian relationship.

The following year, Vickie's sister announced that she would host the holidays in her house and she was inviting Vickie and Susan. 

When her parents heard about this, they told her that they wouldn't come if Vickie was coming to "flaunt" her relationship with Susan--to which Vickie's sister responded, "That's up to you. But if you come, I expect you and dad to be pleasant and respectful of Vickie and Susan." She gave them a book to read that was written for parents of gay children. She also gave them information about PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays).

After much chaos and commotion, the parents decided to come. Vickie and Susan were anxious, and it was obvious that when Vickie's parents came, they were also very anxious too. There were anxious and awkward moments when Vickie introduced them to Susan. But, eventually, things settled down, at least on the surface, and everyone was polite. But there was an under current of emotional strain in the air.

This was the first of many holidays where Vickie and Susan went home to see Vickie's family. Over time, Vickie's parents got to know and like Susan and Susan began to feel more comfortable with them. Vickie's parents even began to attend PFLAG meetings and talk to other parents of gay children. 

After a while, they were able to talk to Vickie more about her life with Susan. They told her that they didn't understand, but she was still their daughter, they loved her, and they wanted her to be happy. And if being happy meant that she was a lesbian and in a relationship with Susan, they accepted this.

Having gone through this ordeal together strengthened Susan's and Vickie's relationship. They both wished that Vickie's parents would more than just "accept" their relationship, but they came to terms with it, and it no longer interfered with their relationship.

For Vickie, as an individual, "coming out" as an open lesbian and telling them that her relationship with Susan came first was a huge step. It strengthened her self confidence and it was a great relief not to have this secret any more.

Conclusion
The above composite scenario is one of countless ways that lesbian and gay couples and individuals cope with homophobia in their families. 

LGBTQ Relationships: Dealing with Homophobia in Families

There is no one right way to deal with these situations. Each individual and each situation is unique.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're a lesbian or gay man who is struggling with similar "coming out" issues, you could benefit from getting help from a psychotherapist who specializes in gay and lesbian issues. You could also benefit from seeking support from LGBT support groups.

In NYC, you can contact the LGBT Community Center: http://www.gaycenter.org.
They offer a host of services for the LGBT community, including support groups, 12 Step programs, and other special programs specifically for the LGBT community.

If you're outside of NYC, you can contact the Gay and Lesbian National Hotline for support: http://www.glnh.org.

If you're a parent of a gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered child, you can educate yourself and get support through Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. : http://www.pflag.org.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many gay and lesbian individuals and couples with their own "coming out" process, relationship issues, and other issues specifically related to the lesbian and gay community.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Coming Out as Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Queer

The coming out process as a gay, lesbian or bisexual person is a very individual process. There is no one right way or particular age to come out. For many people, it's a challenging process that can take years and for others it's an exhilarating process that frees them to be who they are naturally without having to pretend to be heterosexual.

Coming Out as Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Queer

Some people say that they knew that they were gay from the time they were children or teens. Many others say that they dated the opposite sex for a while, had satisfying romantic relationships as mature adults, and even got married and had children before they realized that they were gay, lesbian or bisexual.

There seems to be a misperception that most gay, lesbian and bisexual people come out in their teens. While this is true for some people, it doesn't appear to be the case for the vast majority.

Another misperception is that once a person comes out, it's a linear process that ends with that initial coming out. But, in reality, for most people, the coming out process is a life long process that changes over time as they accept their own identity, come out to friends and family, meet new people, start new jobs, and encounter new situations.

For most gay or bisexual people, new people who meet them will assume that they're heterosexual. So, each time it's a matter of choosing whether or not to come out with new people and in new situations. This is very different from being heterosexual where you don't have to think about this or explain your sexual orientation. The other possibility is that a person might come out and then go back and forth, in and out of the "closet" a few times before acknowledging (or not) his or her sexual orientation.

Usually, the coming out process starts with coming out to yourself. If you're fortunate enough to know other lesbian, gay or bisexual people or if you live in a large city where there are resources, you can usually find supportive people to talk to that won't have a negative reaction. (I've listed some resources below for people in the NYC area as well as a national hotline, if you live in other areas.) I

If you don't know anyone and you live in an area where there are either limited or no resources, it might be a matter of calling an LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender) hotline to talk. It's important to know that you're not alone. There are many other people who have gone through this same process and are continuing to go through this process. And it's important not to isolate. Finding support and places to socialize in your area can be affirming to your identity and emotional well-being.

The next challenge is usually coming out to family and friends. It's easier to come out to supportive family and friends first before considering coming out to others who might not be as supportive. Of course, this is always a judgement call and you might be surprised, for better or worse, how people react.

It's important to realize, too, that if coming out is a process for you, it might also be a process for your family and friends to see you in a new way. They might need time to understand what this means to you and to your relationship with them.

Coming out on the job can present a particular challenge for many people. Even if you live in a city like New York, where there are laws against discrimination based on sexual orientation, it doesn't mean that you won't be discriminated against, sometimes in subtle ways, or that your employer will feel comfortable with your sexual orientation. Your employer should only be taking into consideration your work performance, but the law doesn't control people's personal likes or dislikes. And actually proving discrimination, of any kind, can be difficult.

If you're in a relationship, there's the question of how to talk about your partner or how comfortable you feel inviting your partner to company events. Again, this is another choice and what you decide can have repercussions for your relationship. Some people have the attitude that they're out to everyone and they feel this makes their life easier because they don't want to have to think about it all the time in each situation. As previously mentioned, other people choose when and where to be out.

Coming out is a complex issue and one post cannot possibly cover all the topics involved. I've touched on some of the main coming out issues. If you need further assistance, please see the resource list that I've provided towards the end of this post.

If you're gay or bisexual and you're thinking about seeing a psychotherapist, whether it's specifically for coming out issues or not, it's important to find a therapist who is gay affirmative and has experience working with gay, lesbian and bisexual clients.

If you're not sure, you can ask. You don't want to see a therapist who has an agenda to "change" your sexual orientation or who views being gay or bisexual as a disorder. Even though the American Psychological Association removed homosexuality from their list of mental health disorders more than 25 years ago, there are still a minority of therapists who either don't understand or, for their own reasons, continue to see homosexuality as a psychological disorder.

Some people want to know if their psychotherapist is gay or bisexual and others don't want to know anything about their therapists. Usually, therapists don't divulge a lot about themselves because the therapy is supposed to be focused on you and not them, but if it's important for you to have a therapist that you know is either gay or bisexual, ask prospective therapists that you meet for consultations.

Hopefully, your coming out process will be a happy and meaningful experience. But if you need help, don't be afraid to ask.

The following is a resource list primarily for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered individuals as well as a national organization called PFLAG for families and friends.

Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Resources:

In NYC:

The Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender Center: http://www.gaycenter.org/

Identity House: http://www.identityhouse.org/

Gay Men's Health Crisis: http://www.gmhc.org/

Audre Lorde Project: http://www.alp.org/

Senior Action in a Gay Environment (SAGE): http://www.sageusa.org/

Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG): http://www.pflag.org/

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is working with lesbian, gay and bisexual individuals and couples, including people who are going through the coming out process.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or send email me.