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Showing posts with label bisexual. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bisexual. Show all posts
Sunday, June 27, 2021
Happy Gay Pride!
Happy Gay Pride Day to all Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Queer People All Over the World
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Coming Out as Gay While You're in a Heterosexual Marriage
Coming out as gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender can be a challenging process for people who have considered themselves to be heterosexual for most of their lives. It can be even more challenging and confusing if you're already in a heterosexual marriage.
The following composite vignette, with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality, illustrates some of the challenges as well as hope and new possibilities for someone who "came out" while in a heterosexual marriage:
Martin:
Martin and his wife, Sally, were married for 10 years. They mutually decided not to have children before they got married. Before they got married, Martin told Sally that he had a few sexual encounters with men while he was in college. But he told her that these were just part of his youthful explorations as a young college student, and he definitely considered himself to be heterosexual.
Sally thought of herself as an open-mind person, and she had no doubt in her mind that Martin was heterosexual. She believed Martin when he told her that he had no sexual interest in men.
After 10 years of marriage, their sex life had waned, It was never very passionate, but neither of them minded. Martin often came home so exhausted from work that he usually fell asleep before Sally. They spent their weekends either socializing with friends or family or going out together to one of their favorite museums, restaurants or to the theatre. Overall, they were both happy in their marriage--until Martin met Paul, a new business client at work.
Paul was a very handsome "out" gay man who was well liked by his business associates for his talent in business as well as his outgoing personality. Martin's boss considered Paul's company to be an important account, and he wanted Martin to make Paul's company a priority. As a result, Martin was expected to take Paul out from time to time to work on projects.
Martin felt comfortable with Paul. It didn't matter to Martin that Paul was gay. He enjoyed working with him and enjoyed his company. After a few dinners and over more than a few drinks, Paul asked Martin if he had ever been sexual with a man. When Martin looked uncomfortable, Paul apologized and said, "I'm sorry. I hope you don't mind my saying this, but when I first met you, I was sure you were gay. " Martin told Paul that he was happily married to Sally, and he definitely considered himself to be heterosexual. Martin made light of the Paul's comment, and then he tactfully changed the subject.
But, as he drove home, Martin was shaken by Paul's comment. He wasn't as much offended by his remark as he was confused. He wondered what Paul might have seen in him to make him think he was gay. When he mentioned Paul's remark to Sally, they both laughed about it. But Martin found it difficult to fall asleep that night, and he couldn't stop thinking about it for days.
When it was time for Martin to meet Paul again for dinner, Martin felt anxious. But he also realized that he was looking forward to seeing Paul. This made him feel uncomfortable. He wasn't sure what this was all about. He knew that he had always enjoyed Paul's company in the past, but there was something different about this. He tried to invite one of his other colleagues to the dinner, but no one was available on such short notice, so he had to see Paul on his own. He thought of canceling the dinner, but he knew his boss wouldn't like this, so he met Paul for dinner.
They talked about the business project, which had been going well. All the while, it was beginning to dawn on Martin that he was physically attracted to Paul. He rationalized to himself that Paul was a very handsome and charming man, so most people, whether they were gay or heterosexual, would find him attractive. But it bothered him that he felt this way.
After they finished talking about work, Paul mentioned that he was in a long-term relationship with his partner, Tom. He explained that he and Tom were in an open relationship. They considered themselves to be primary to each other, but they each saw other men from time to time, mostly for sexual encounters.
Martin talked to Paul about his relationship with Sally, but all the while he felt distracted and confused about his growing attraction to Paul. After a few drinks, Paul placed his hand gently on Martin's hand. Martin didn't move his hand away. He was as surprised by Paul's gesture as well as his own reaction to it. By the end of the evening, Martin, who had drank quite a bit, went back with Paul to his hotel room and they had passionate sex. It was the most exciting sex he ever had.
Martin was deeply troubled by his sexual encounter with Paul. He told himself that he loved his wife, he wasn't gay but, for some unknown reason, he was very drawn to Paul. He told himself it was something in particular about Paul. He rationalized that he had much too much to drink that night and he wasn't thinking clearly. But he had to admit that he enjoyed having sex with Paul, and this bothered him a lot.
When he met Paul for dinner the next time, he refused to drink. He also told Paul that he made a terrible mistake by going back to his hotel with him--that he was a happily married man, he wasn't gay, and he didn't want to cheat on his wife. But by the end of the evening, Martin allowed himself to be seduced again and he went back to Paul's hotel.
This was the beginning of Martin's sexual affair with Paul. Whenever he thought about his wife, Martin felt deeply ashamed. He didn't want to hurt her, and he didn't want to leave her. He especially didn't want to think of himself as a gay man. He didn't even want to think of himself as being bisexual. He told Paul that he didn't understand what was happening to him. But he had to admit to himself that having sex with Paul was the most exciting sex he had ever had in his life. He told Paul that he didn't want to put any "labels" on what they were doing. No commitments. No promises.
After a few months of getting together with Paul nearly every day, Martin was becoming increasingly unhappy and ashamed. He didn't like that he was leading a secret life and lying to Sally. His sex life with Sally had come to a complete halt. He kept telling her that he was too tired to have sex, and she didn't seem to suspect anything. He felt highly conflicted about what he was doing. Each time he told himself and Paul that he wouldn't continue with the affair, he broke his own promise to himself.
When Martin found himself spiraling into a depression, he contacted a therapist who specialized in working with men who considered themselves heterosexual but who were sexually involved with gay men. It wasn't an easy decision, but he knew he needed to do something. He couldn't keep leading a double life.
Over time in therapy, Martin was able to accept that he really preferred men. He realized that his sexual attraction to Paul was not just about Paul--it was about all men. He also realized that his sexual encounters in college frightened and confused him, which caused him to deny his own feelings for men. He still loved Sally, but he knew he couldn't keep living a lie.
Soon after that, Martin "came out" to Sally. He told her about the affair he was having with Paul. Sally was very shocked and upset. They both cried. After the initial shock, Sally was remarkably understanding. She was hurt and angry that Martin cheated on her, but she knew she needed to let him go. She loved him enough that she wanted him to be happy.
Martin joined a "coming out" group for men in heterosexual marriages. He found a lot of support in the group. He also heard stories that were very similar to his own. He learned that "coming out" would be a process, and he had to take it one day at a time.
Over time, Martin accepted that he preferred men. He and Paul ended their affair, and Martin met a man online that he fell in love with. He continued to face challenges in terms of "coming out" to friends, relatives, and colleagues, but these challenges were easier to face with the support of his therapy and his support group.
The Challenges of "Coming Out"
The vignette above is one of many different scenarios that people face when they are "coming out" while in a heterosexual marriage.
Some people continue in their heterosexual marriage and never fully admit that they are gay or bisexual, not even to themselves. They live painful, compartmentalized lives because they can't come to terms with their sexual orientation.
Other people tell themselves, as Martin did, that they're really not gay--it's just something in a particular person that they're drawn to. Others have gay affairs all their lives while remaining in a heterosexual marriage. They live double lives, ashamed and angry with themselves, always fearing that they'll get caught.
Living in a limbo state can be very painful. Only you can decide what your sexual orientation is, but an experienced mental health practitioner can guide you through the process of self discovery in an unbiased, nonjudgmental way.
Getting Help in Therapy
If you're in a heterosexual marriage and feeling ambivalent or confused about your sexual orientation, you owe it to yourself and your loved ones to get professional help with an experienced licensed mental health practitioner.
If you live in NYC, you can find support groups at the NYC LGBT Center.
You can also contact the GLBT National Help Center.
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| Coming Out as a Gay Person While You're in a Heterosexual Marriage |
The following composite vignette, with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality, illustrates some of the challenges as well as hope and new possibilities for someone who "came out" while in a heterosexual marriage:
Martin:
Martin and his wife, Sally, were married for 10 years. They mutually decided not to have children before they got married. Before they got married, Martin told Sally that he had a few sexual encounters with men while he was in college. But he told her that these were just part of his youthful explorations as a young college student, and he definitely considered himself to be heterosexual.
Sally thought of herself as an open-mind person, and she had no doubt in her mind that Martin was heterosexual. She believed Martin when he told her that he had no sexual interest in men.
After 10 years of marriage, their sex life had waned, It was never very passionate, but neither of them minded. Martin often came home so exhausted from work that he usually fell asleep before Sally. They spent their weekends either socializing with friends or family or going out together to one of their favorite museums, restaurants or to the theatre. Overall, they were both happy in their marriage--until Martin met Paul, a new business client at work.
Paul was a very handsome "out" gay man who was well liked by his business associates for his talent in business as well as his outgoing personality. Martin's boss considered Paul's company to be an important account, and he wanted Martin to make Paul's company a priority. As a result, Martin was expected to take Paul out from time to time to work on projects.
Martin felt comfortable with Paul. It didn't matter to Martin that Paul was gay. He enjoyed working with him and enjoyed his company. After a few dinners and over more than a few drinks, Paul asked Martin if he had ever been sexual with a man. When Martin looked uncomfortable, Paul apologized and said, "I'm sorry. I hope you don't mind my saying this, but when I first met you, I was sure you were gay. " Martin told Paul that he was happily married to Sally, and he definitely considered himself to be heterosexual. Martin made light of the Paul's comment, and then he tactfully changed the subject.
But, as he drove home, Martin was shaken by Paul's comment. He wasn't as much offended by his remark as he was confused. He wondered what Paul might have seen in him to make him think he was gay. When he mentioned Paul's remark to Sally, they both laughed about it. But Martin found it difficult to fall asleep that night, and he couldn't stop thinking about it for days.
When it was time for Martin to meet Paul again for dinner, Martin felt anxious. But he also realized that he was looking forward to seeing Paul. This made him feel uncomfortable. He wasn't sure what this was all about. He knew that he had always enjoyed Paul's company in the past, but there was something different about this. He tried to invite one of his other colleagues to the dinner, but no one was available on such short notice, so he had to see Paul on his own. He thought of canceling the dinner, but he knew his boss wouldn't like this, so he met Paul for dinner.
They talked about the business project, which had been going well. All the while, it was beginning to dawn on Martin that he was physically attracted to Paul. He rationalized to himself that Paul was a very handsome and charming man, so most people, whether they were gay or heterosexual, would find him attractive. But it bothered him that he felt this way.
After they finished talking about work, Paul mentioned that he was in a long-term relationship with his partner, Tom. He explained that he and Tom were in an open relationship. They considered themselves to be primary to each other, but they each saw other men from time to time, mostly for sexual encounters.
Martin talked to Paul about his relationship with Sally, but all the while he felt distracted and confused about his growing attraction to Paul. After a few drinks, Paul placed his hand gently on Martin's hand. Martin didn't move his hand away. He was as surprised by Paul's gesture as well as his own reaction to it. By the end of the evening, Martin, who had drank quite a bit, went back with Paul to his hotel room and they had passionate sex. It was the most exciting sex he ever had.
Martin was deeply troubled by his sexual encounter with Paul. He told himself that he loved his wife, he wasn't gay but, for some unknown reason, he was very drawn to Paul. He told himself it was something in particular about Paul. He rationalized that he had much too much to drink that night and he wasn't thinking clearly. But he had to admit that he enjoyed having sex with Paul, and this bothered him a lot.
When he met Paul for dinner the next time, he refused to drink. He also told Paul that he made a terrible mistake by going back to his hotel with him--that he was a happily married man, he wasn't gay, and he didn't want to cheat on his wife. But by the end of the evening, Martin allowed himself to be seduced again and he went back to Paul's hotel.
This was the beginning of Martin's sexual affair with Paul. Whenever he thought about his wife, Martin felt deeply ashamed. He didn't want to hurt her, and he didn't want to leave her. He especially didn't want to think of himself as a gay man. He didn't even want to think of himself as being bisexual. He told Paul that he didn't understand what was happening to him. But he had to admit to himself that having sex with Paul was the most exciting sex he had ever had in his life. He told Paul that he didn't want to put any "labels" on what they were doing. No commitments. No promises.
After a few months of getting together with Paul nearly every day, Martin was becoming increasingly unhappy and ashamed. He didn't like that he was leading a secret life and lying to Sally. His sex life with Sally had come to a complete halt. He kept telling her that he was too tired to have sex, and she didn't seem to suspect anything. He felt highly conflicted about what he was doing. Each time he told himself and Paul that he wouldn't continue with the affair, he broke his own promise to himself.
When Martin found himself spiraling into a depression, he contacted a therapist who specialized in working with men who considered themselves heterosexual but who were sexually involved with gay men. It wasn't an easy decision, but he knew he needed to do something. He couldn't keep leading a double life.
Over time in therapy, Martin was able to accept that he really preferred men. He realized that his sexual attraction to Paul was not just about Paul--it was about all men. He also realized that his sexual encounters in college frightened and confused him, which caused him to deny his own feelings for men. He still loved Sally, but he knew he couldn't keep living a lie.
Soon after that, Martin "came out" to Sally. He told her about the affair he was having with Paul. Sally was very shocked and upset. They both cried. After the initial shock, Sally was remarkably understanding. She was hurt and angry that Martin cheated on her, but she knew she needed to let him go. She loved him enough that she wanted him to be happy.
Martin joined a "coming out" group for men in heterosexual marriages. He found a lot of support in the group. He also heard stories that were very similar to his own. He learned that "coming out" would be a process, and he had to take it one day at a time.
Over time, Martin accepted that he preferred men. He and Paul ended their affair, and Martin met a man online that he fell in love with. He continued to face challenges in terms of "coming out" to friends, relatives, and colleagues, but these challenges were easier to face with the support of his therapy and his support group.
The Challenges of "Coming Out"
The vignette above is one of many different scenarios that people face when they are "coming out" while in a heterosexual marriage.
Some people continue in their heterosexual marriage and never fully admit that they are gay or bisexual, not even to themselves. They live painful, compartmentalized lives because they can't come to terms with their sexual orientation.
Other people tell themselves, as Martin did, that they're really not gay--it's just something in a particular person that they're drawn to. Others have gay affairs all their lives while remaining in a heterosexual marriage. They live double lives, ashamed and angry with themselves, always fearing that they'll get caught.
Living in a limbo state can be very painful. Only you can decide what your sexual orientation is, but an experienced mental health practitioner can guide you through the process of self discovery in an unbiased, nonjudgmental way.
Getting Help in Therapy
If you're in a heterosexual marriage and feeling ambivalent or confused about your sexual orientation, you owe it to yourself and your loved ones to get professional help with an experienced licensed mental health practitioner.
If you live in NYC, you can find support groups at the NYC LGBT Center.
You can also contact the GLBT National Help Center.
About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist who has experience helping adults who are struggling with issues around sexual orientation.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist who has experience helping adults who are struggling with issues around sexual orientation.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Coming Out as Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Queer
The coming out process as a gay, lesbian or bisexual person is a very individual process. There is no one right way or particular age to come out. For many people, it's a challenging process that can take years and for others it's an exhilarating process that frees them to be who they are naturally without having to pretend to be heterosexual.
Some people say that they knew that they were gay from the time they were children or teens. Many others say that they dated the opposite sex for a while, had satisfying romantic relationships as mature adults, and even got married and had children before they realized that they were gay, lesbian or bisexual.
There seems to be a misperception that most gay, lesbian and bisexual people come out in their teens. While this is true for some people, it doesn't appear to be the case for the vast majority.
Another misperception is that once a person comes out, it's a linear process that ends with that initial coming out. But, in reality, for most people, the coming out process is a life long process that changes over time as they accept their own identity, come out to friends and family, meet new people, start new jobs, and encounter new situations.
For most gay or bisexual people, new people who meet them will assume that they're heterosexual. So, each time it's a matter of choosing whether or not to come out with new people and in new situations. This is very different from being heterosexual where you don't have to think about this or explain your sexual orientation. The other possibility is that a person might come out and then go back and forth, in and out of the "closet" a few times before acknowledging (or not) his or her sexual orientation.
Usually, the coming out process starts with coming out to yourself. If you're fortunate enough to know other lesbian, gay or bisexual people or if you live in a large city where there are resources, you can usually find supportive people to talk to that won't have a negative reaction. (I've listed some resources below for people in the NYC area as well as a national hotline, if you live in other areas.) I
If you don't know anyone and you live in an area where there are either limited or no resources, it might be a matter of calling an LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender) hotline to talk. It's important to know that you're not alone. There are many other people who have gone through this same process and are continuing to go through this process. And it's important not to isolate. Finding support and places to socialize in your area can be affirming to your identity and emotional well-being.
The next challenge is usually coming out to family and friends. It's easier to come out to supportive family and friends first before considering coming out to others who might not be as supportive. Of course, this is always a judgement call and you might be surprised, for better or worse, how people react.
It's important to realize, too, that if coming out is a process for you, it might also be a process for your family and friends to see you in a new way. They might need time to understand what this means to you and to your relationship with them.
Coming out on the job can present a particular challenge for many people. Even if you live in a city like New York, where there are laws against discrimination based on sexual orientation, it doesn't mean that you won't be discriminated against, sometimes in subtle ways, or that your employer will feel comfortable with your sexual orientation. Your employer should only be taking into consideration your work performance, but the law doesn't control people's personal likes or dislikes. And actually proving discrimination, of any kind, can be difficult.
If you're in a relationship, there's the question of how to talk about your partner or how comfortable you feel inviting your partner to company events. Again, this is another choice and what you decide can have repercussions for your relationship. Some people have the attitude that they're out to everyone and they feel this makes their life easier because they don't want to have to think about it all the time in each situation. As previously mentioned, other people choose when and where to be out.
Coming out is a complex issue and one post cannot possibly cover all the topics involved. I've touched on some of the main coming out issues. If you need further assistance, please see the resource list that I've provided towards the end of this post.
If you're gay or bisexual and you're thinking about seeing a psychotherapist, whether it's specifically for coming out issues or not, it's important to find a therapist who is gay affirmative and has experience working with gay, lesbian and bisexual clients.
If you're not sure, you can ask. You don't want to see a therapist who has an agenda to "change" your sexual orientation or who views being gay or bisexual as a disorder. Even though the American Psychological Association removed homosexuality from their list of mental health disorders more than 25 years ago, there are still a minority of therapists who either don't understand or, for their own reasons, continue to see homosexuality as a psychological disorder.
Some people want to know if their psychotherapist is gay or bisexual and others don't want to know anything about their therapists. Usually, therapists don't divulge a lot about themselves because the therapy is supposed to be focused on you and not them, but if it's important for you to have a therapist that you know is either gay or bisexual, ask prospective therapists that you meet for consultations.
Hopefully, your coming out process will be a happy and meaningful experience. But if you need help, don't be afraid to ask.
The following is a resource list primarily for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered individuals as well as a national organization called PFLAG for families and friends.
Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Resources:
In NYC:
The Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender Center: http://www.gaycenter.org/
Identity House: http://www.identityhouse.org/
Gay Men's Health Crisis: http://www.gmhc.org/
Audre Lorde Project: http://www.alp.org/
Senior Action in a Gay Environment (SAGE): http://www.sageusa.org/
Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG): http://www.pflag.org/
About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.
 |
| Coming Out as Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Queer |
There seems to be a misperception that most gay, lesbian and bisexual people come out in their teens. While this is true for some people, it doesn't appear to be the case for the vast majority.
Another misperception is that once a person comes out, it's a linear process that ends with that initial coming out. But, in reality, for most people, the coming out process is a life long process that changes over time as they accept their own identity, come out to friends and family, meet new people, start new jobs, and encounter new situations.
For most gay or bisexual people, new people who meet them will assume that they're heterosexual. So, each time it's a matter of choosing whether or not to come out with new people and in new situations. This is very different from being heterosexual where you don't have to think about this or explain your sexual orientation. The other possibility is that a person might come out and then go back and forth, in and out of the "closet" a few times before acknowledging (or not) his or her sexual orientation.
The next challenge is usually coming out to family and friends. It's easier to come out to supportive family and friends first before considering coming out to others who might not be as supportive. Of course, this is always a judgement call and you might be surprised, for better or worse, how people react.
It's important to realize, too, that if coming out is a process for you, it might also be a process for your family and friends to see you in a new way. They might need time to understand what this means to you and to your relationship with them.
Coming out on the job can present a particular challenge for many people. Even if you live in a city like New York, where there are laws against discrimination based on sexual orientation, it doesn't mean that you won't be discriminated against, sometimes in subtle ways, or that your employer will feel comfortable with your sexual orientation. Your employer should only be taking into consideration your work performance, but the law doesn't control people's personal likes or dislikes. And actually proving discrimination, of any kind, can be difficult.
If you're in a relationship, there's the question of how to talk about your partner or how comfortable you feel inviting your partner to company events. Again, this is another choice and what you decide can have repercussions for your relationship. Some people have the attitude that they're out to everyone and they feel this makes their life easier because they don't want to have to think about it all the time in each situation. As previously mentioned, other people choose when and where to be out.
Coming out is a complex issue and one post cannot possibly cover all the topics involved. I've touched on some of the main coming out issues. If you need further assistance, please see the resource list that I've provided towards the end of this post.
If you're gay or bisexual and you're thinking about seeing a psychotherapist, whether it's specifically for coming out issues or not, it's important to find a therapist who is gay affirmative and has experience working with gay, lesbian and bisexual clients.
If you're not sure, you can ask. You don't want to see a therapist who has an agenda to "change" your sexual orientation or who views being gay or bisexual as a disorder. Even though the American Psychological Association removed homosexuality from their list of mental health disorders more than 25 years ago, there are still a minority of therapists who either don't understand or, for their own reasons, continue to see homosexuality as a psychological disorder.
Some people want to know if their psychotherapist is gay or bisexual and others don't want to know anything about their therapists. Usually, therapists don't divulge a lot about themselves because the therapy is supposed to be focused on you and not them, but if it's important for you to have a therapist that you know is either gay or bisexual, ask prospective therapists that you meet for consultations.
Hopefully, your coming out process will be a happy and meaningful experience. But if you need help, don't be afraid to ask.
The following is a resource list primarily for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered individuals as well as a national organization called PFLAG for families and friends.
Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Resources:
In NYC:
The Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender Center: http://www.gaycenter.org/
Identity House: http://www.identityhouse.org/
Gay Men's Health Crisis: http://www.gmhc.org/
Audre Lorde Project: http://www.alp.org/
Senior Action in a Gay Environment (SAGE): http://www.sageusa.org/
Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG): http://www.pflag.org/
About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.
One of my specialties is working with lesbian, gay and bisexual individuals and couples, including people who are going through the coming out process.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or send email me.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or send email me.
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