Family Estrangements Due to Homophobia, Biphobia and Transphobia

It's unfortunate that many LGBTQIA adult children are estranged from at least one family member due to homophobia, biphobia or transphobia. 

Emotional Support to Cope With Homophobia, Biphobia, Transphobia

This article will explore the reasons for these types of estrangements and suggest ways to get emotional support if you have been ostracized by one or more family members (see my articles: Coming Out as LGBTQIA and Coping With Homophobia in Your Family).

What is Homophobia, Biphobia and Transphobia?

Family members often feel fear, discomfort and mistrust of other family members who are LGBTQIA adults (see my article: Being the "Different One" in Your Family).

Heterosexual, gay, lesbian and bisexual people can also be transphobic and there is often fear and mistrust of bisexual people among heterosexual, gay, lesbian and trans people.

What is Internalized Homophobia, Biphobia and Transphobia?

Internalized homophobia, biphobia and transphobia is feeling phobic toward one's own sexual orientation or gender identity. This can range from minor discomfort to internalized self hatred.

Emotional Support to Cope With Homophobia, Biphobia and Transphobia

An internalized phobia about one's own sexual orientation or gender identity can lead to hiding and feeling the need to "prove" a heterosexual identity in order to fit in. 

This often involves concealing oneself from close family members, friends, colleagues and others. 

Internalized phobia can also lead to a pervasive fear of being outed by others or that people in their life will find out in some other way, which can create, fear, anxiety and loneliness.

Why Do Families Cut Off Their LGBTQIA Family Members?

The following are the most common reasons for cutting off an LGBTQIA family member:

• Refusal to Accept an Identity That is Different From Their Own: Many family members refuse to accept that their adult LGBTQIA children or siblings have an identity that's different from what they consider acceptable. Family members who stray from what is perceived as the family identity are often ostracized.

• Shame About How the Family is Perceived By Their Community: Shame and embarrassment about how the family will be perceived by their community is often a reason why family members cut off LGBTQIA family members. The community might include their church or house of worship, neighbors, other family members outside the immediate family work colleagues and others.

• Fear of Deviating From Family Values or Religion: In many families any deviation from what is considered the heteronormative feels like a threat to the family. This is especially true in enmeshed families where family members are expected to follow established norms and values. Family values often includes strict adherence to intolerant religious and discriminatory views.

• Insecurity About Their Own Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity: People who are insecure about their own sexual identity or gender identity often fear that if one family member isn't heterosexual, their own sexual orientation and gender might be threatened.

• Refusal to Deal With Their Own Secret Sexual Orientation and Identity: Family members who have internalized phobia about their own secret sexual orientation and gender identity might ostracize family members who have come out because they fear their own non-heterosexual identity might be discovered. By ostracizing the family member, who has come out, they hope to try to "prove" they are heterosexual and loyal to their family's values.

• Refusal to Set Boundaries With Other Phobic Family Members: Even when the immediate family accepts their LGBTQIA family member, they might not set appropriate boundaries with other family members who make phobic remarks. Even though they might not agree with these negative remarks, they are too afraid to confront the offending family members.

How to Take Care of Yourself If You Are Estranged From Your Family Due to Homophobia, Biphobia or Transphobia

Coming out to family members, especially family members who tend to be phobic, is a brave act.

Being ostracized from your family due to your sexual orientation or gender identity is an emotionally painful experience. It can exacerbate internalized phobia at a time when you might not feel grounded and safe in your identity.

Hopefully there's at least one family member who is accepting and supportive but, if there isn't, it's important to find an LGBTQIA community in your area if it exists or online.

Just finding others who identify as you do can be affirming. Even if you talk to just one person who has the same sexual orientation and gender identity as you can be helpful.

Get Emotional Support: LGBTQIA Organizations in New York City:

As of the date of this article, the following organizations can provide support for the LGBTQ population in New York City:

• LGBTQ Community Center: (212) 620-7310

• Astrea Lesbian Foundation For Justice: (212) 529-8021

• Identity House: Support Groups, Peer Counseling Therapy Referrals and Resources: (212) 243-8181

Self Care and Pride

• Callen-Lorde Community Center: (212) 271-7200

• GMHC (Gay Men's Health Crisis): (212) 367-1000

• The Audre Lorde Project (Brooklyn): (718) 596-0342

• Institute For Contemporary Psychotherapy (ICP) - Center For Gender and Sexuality: (212) 333-3444 (Affordable Psychotherapy)

• Institute For Human Identity: (212) 243-2830 (Affordable Psychotherapy)

Get Emotional Support: LGBTQIA Organizations Outside New York City

Outside of New York City, you can contact the following hotline as of the date of this article:

• LGBT National Hotline: 888-843-4564

• PFLAG: Support, Education and Advocacy For LGBTQIA People and Their Families: PFLAG Contact Information Link

Getting Help in Therapy

You are not alone.

Working with a licensed LGBTQIA affirmative mental health professional can provide you with the emotional support and tools you need to take care of yourself.

Get Help in Therapy

You might need to grieve family relationships and friends who are not supportive of your sexual orientation or gender identity before you can thrive in your life, but seeking help is the first step.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an LGBTQIA allied psychotherapist so you can lead a more fulfilling life with pride and dignity.

My Other Articles About Family Estrangements

Estrangements Between Parents and Their Adult Children

Family Estrangements: Understanding the Barriers to Reconciliation

How Trauma Therapy Can Help to Cope With Family Estrangements

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples, including the LGBTQIA community.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

    

Estrangements Between Parents and Adult Children

In my prior article, How Can Trauma Therapy Help to Cope With Family Estrangements?, I began a discussion about family estrangements and how trauma therapy can help.

Family estrangements, also known as cutoffs, can occur between parents and adult children or between adult siblings (see my article: Healing Mother-Daughter Relationships).

Estrangements Between Parents and Adult Children

In the current article, which is a part of a series of articles on family estrangements, I'm focusing on estrangements between parents and adult children where the adult child has a problem with a parent's current behavior or past behavior.

In this article, I'll use the terms estrangement and cutoffs interchangeably.

What Are the Most Common Causes of Estrangement Between Parents and Adult Children?

Estrangements can occur for many reasons including but not limited to:

• Abuse, including a history of childhood emotional and physical abuse and sexual abuse

• Neglect, including a history of childhood emotional neglect

• Betrayal

• Bullying

• Psychological problems

• Substance misuse and other compulsive or addictive behavior

• Lack of emotional support

• An adult child's or parent's sexual orientation (see my articles: Coming Out as Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Queer, Coming Out to Your Father as a Gay Man)

• An adult child's or parent's gender identity (see my article: Being the "Different One" in Your Family)

• Choice of a partner or spouse (see my article: What to Do If Your Partner and Parents Don't Get Along)

• Religious views (see my article: Religion: Are You Contemplating Your Faith of Origin in a New Light?)

• Political views

• Money issues, including money borrowed, wills, inheritance plans and so on

• Other reasons

How Common Are Estrangements Between Parents and Adult Children?

It's estimated that approximately 12% of parents and adult children are estranged.

Estrangements Between Parents and Adult Children

Most of the time cutoffs are initiated by adult children.  About 5-6% are initiated by parents.

How Long Do Estrangements Between Parents and Adult Children Last?

The length of time for estrangements varies based on the people involved, the problems between them and other individual issues between parents and adult children.

On average, estrangements between parents and adult children last about nine years. However, an estrangement can be days, weeks or months long.

Can an Estrangement Based on a History of Childhood Abuse Be Reconciled?

The best possible hope for a reconciliation is for a parent to acknowledge and make amends to an adult child.  

The problem is that parents who engaged in childhood abuse often don't admit any wrongdoing. 

Even if they admit that their behavior was abusive, they might try to minimize it by saying their behavior wasn't that bad. 

They might also try to minimize it by trying to deny how the early abuse affects the adult child now by saying something like, "That happened so long ago. Why don't you just get over it?" (see my article: How a History of Unresolved Childhood Trauma Can Affect How You Feel About Yourself as an Adult).

Needless to say, it's hurtful for an adult child, who was abused by a parent, to hear their parent dismiss or minimize the impact of the abuse. 

Under these circumstances, some adult children might feel confused and doubt their early experiences or whether they have a right to ask their parent to take responsibility and make amends.

When a parent isn't ready to take responsibility and make amends, they place a nearly impossible barrier for reconciliation. 

Even if the adult child decides to try to somehow put aside their hurt, they will probably still feel resentment and sadness, which might only allow them to engage in limited contact with their parent.

Even if a parent takes responsibility and shows genuine remorse for their behavior, a reconciliation isn't automatic. Emotional healing is a process and, depending upon the problem and the people involved, a reconciliation might be slow or nearly impossible.

Next Article:

In my next article I'll continue to focus on family estrangements and some suggestions on how to reconcile these cutoffs:

Family Estrangements: Understanding Barriers to Reconciliation

Getting Help in Therapy

Family estrangements are usually emotionally wrenching and traumatic whether you're the person who initiated the cutoff or you're the person who has been cutoff.

Getting Help in Therapy

Trauma therapy can help you to heal.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who can help you to start the healing process.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialities, as a trauma therapist, is helping adult clients to heal (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapst?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Your Sexual Orientation and Erotic Orientation Don't Always Match and That's Normal

Many people confuse sexual orientation and erotic orientation, but there's a difference: Whereas your sexual orientation is about how you identify yourself (e.g., gay, lesbian, heterosexual, bisexual, transgender, asexual and so on), your erotic orientation is about what turns you on sexually, including your sexual fantasies.

Sexual vs Erotic Orientation: Heterosexual People Can Have Same-Sex Fantasies

Your Sexual Orientation and Erotic Orientation Don't Always Match and That's Normal

You might think that people's erotic orientation would always be in synch with their sexual orientation, but Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a sex researcher and social psychologist, discovered that this isn't always the case.  Sexual orientation and erotic orientation don't aways match.

Dr. Lehmiller surveyed about 4,000 people about their sexual fantasies, and he published his findings in his book, Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How it Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life.  

His findings revealed that sexual and erotic orientations aren't always in synch.  For instance, 59% of heterosexual women indicated that they have sexual fantasies about other women, and 26% of heterosexual men had sexual fantasies about other men (see my article: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Violating Prohibitions By Breaking the Rules).

The heterosexual women and men who have same-sex fantasies aren't any less heterosexual than other straight people who don't have these fantasies.  It's just means people are turned on by different things and "different" doesn't mean "bad," "wrong" or "abnormal."  It's just different and it's normal.

It's also true that although these people might enjoy these sexual fantasies, they might not ever want to act on them in real life.  They might just want to keep them as fantasies.  But if they wanted to act on them, that would be normal too.

In his book, The Erotic Mind, Dr. Jack Morin discusses core erotic themes and peak erotic experiences (see my articles:  What Are Your Core Erotic Themes?, Discovering Your Peak Erotic Experiences and The Erotic Equation: Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement).

He recognized that many people experience emotional conflict about the difference between their sexual and erotic orientations and, instead of accepting these differences, they feel ashamed.

Dr. Joe Kort, who is the founder and clinical director of the Center for Relationship and Sexual Health in Michigan, also recognizes that many people are afraid of their erotic orientation due to this mismatch and part of the work of a sex therapist is to help these individuals to stop feeling ashamed because this is normal.

Clinical Vignettes

The following clinical vignettes, which are composites with all identifying information removed, illustrates how sexual and erotic orientations can be different and how people can overcome their shame about these differences:

Sam

Although he identified as a heterosexual man and he only ever wanted to date women, Sam was turned on by gay porn.  He kept this a secret for most of his life but, inwardly, he worried about it.  He wondered what it meant about him: Was he really gay and he didn't know it?  This is what brought him into sex therapy.  After he told his sex therapist about being turned on by gay male porn, he felt relieved to tell someone.

Sex Therapy Can Help to Relieve Your Shame About Your Sexual Fantasies

In sex therapy, Sam learned that many heterosexual men were turned on by gay male porn and they, like him, had no desire to have sex with men in real life.  Over time, he learned that the difference between his sexual and erotic orientations was normal, and he stopped worrying about it. 

Betty

Ever since she was a teenager, Betty, who identified as a heterosexual woman, had sexual fantasies about women.  She was so ashamed and confused by these fantasies that she didn't dare to tell anyone--not even her best friend, Alice.  Then, one day, Alice mentioned to Betty that she was sexually attracted to Sara, who was a mutual acquaintance.  Alice admitted to Betty that she often imagined herself having sex with Sara and that this excited her, but she had no intention of following through with her fantasy because she identified as a heterosexual woman and she only wanted to be with men in real life. 

Sexual vs Erotic Orientation: Straight People Can Have Same-Sex Fantasies

When Betty heard this, she was surprised and she admitted to Alice that she also had sexual fantasies about women sometimes--even though she identified as heterosexual.  When Betty and Alice read in Dr. Justin Lehmiller's book that 59% of heterosexual women had same-sex fantasies, they were relieved to know that their experiences were common and normal.

Conclusion

Sexual orientation and erotic orientation don't always match--and that's normal.

Knowing that your experience isn't unusual can help you to realize there's nothing wrong with you and there's no reason for you to feel ashamed.

If the difference between your sexual and erotic orientations is a source of stress and shame for you, you could benefit from working with a sex therapist who has experience helping clients with this issue.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Solo Polyamory?

In recent articles, I've been discussing ethical nonmonogamy, which can also be called consensual nonmonogamy (see my articles: What is an Ethical Nonmonogamous Relationship? and What is a Unicorn in a Nonmonogamous Relationship?).

These relationships are different from monogamous relationships, relationships which are supposed to be monogamous but where there's cheating, as well as other forms of relationships. 

What is Polyamory?

Before defining solo polyamory, let's define polyamory.

What is Polyamory?

Polyamory is a form of ethical nonmonogamy/consensual nonmonogamy.

Breaking down the word polyamory: Poly is from Greek and it means many.  Amory is Latin and it means love.

It's estimated that 4-5% of relationships in the United States are polyamorous relationships.  

This estimate might be low since many people don't reveal they are in a polyamorous relationship because there's often a stigma about being in non-traditional relationships.  So, there might actually be many more people who are polyamorists.  

Polyamorists are a diverse group:  Many polyamorists identify as either bisexual or pansexual (pansexual means there is no limit in sexual choice with regard to biological sex, gender or gender identity).  However, there are also many heterosexual, gay, lesbian, transexual, nonbinary (nonbinary people don't identify as being a gender that is exclusively male or female) and asexual polyamorists. 

There are also polyamorists who don't believe in any of these labels.

Polyamorists usually have multiple romantic relationships at the same time.  Many people who consider themselves to be "poly," consider it to be their sexual orientation.  

Usually the individuals all know about everyone involved and have given informed consent to be polyamorous where everything is honest and above board.  So, there are usually no casual relationships with individuals who are poly.

The values which are upheld in healthy polyamorous relationships include:

• love
• honesty
• integrity
• equality
• communication
• commitment

Polyamorists usually have rules, including rules about practicing safe sex, time spent together, and so on.

In a healthy polyamorous relationship there is usually ongoing discussions so that everyone involved continues to give informed consent.

There might be jealousy, as there might be in any relationship, so polyamorists try to find a way to work it out through the rules they have established or they might need to renegotiate the rules.  

Many polyamorists say they experience compersion, which is feeling happy that their partners are experiencing pleasure with others.  

What is the Difference Between Polyamory and Swinging?

Individuals who are in polyamorous relationships tend to focus on developing romantic relationships.  Their relationships are usually intentional among all parties involved.

Generally, swingers aren't focused on building romantic relationships.  They don't usually develop emotional or romantic ties with their partners (although there are exceptions--just like anything else).  They often engage in sexual activities at swingers parties, resorts and other events where they swap partners (if they're in a relationship) or they might go as a single person.

To complicate matters a bit: Some polyamorists engage in swingers events and some swingers might also be in polyamorous relationships.  But swinging and polyamory are usually different, as described above.

What is Solo Polyamory?

Solo polyamory is a form of polyamory.

What is Solo Polyamory?

Generally speaking, solo polyamory means:

• Individuals are in multiple relationships, but they lead a single lifestyle.

• They may or may not live with one or more of their partners.

• They may or may not share finances.

• They may or may not have children together.

What is Solo Polyamory?

• Solo polyamorists might describe themselves as being "single-ish," but they're not single in the traditional sense of the word because they are in relationships.

• Individuals might choose to engage in solo polyamory after getting out of a long term serious relationship.

• They might not follow the traditions that people in monogamous relationships follow, which would include celebrating various milestones, like getting engaged, getting married or celebrating anniversaries.  However, this is an individual choice.

What is Solo Polyamory?

• Some individuals have non-romantic/non-sexual polyamorous relationships.

• Some partners might have friendships or relationships with each other.

What is Solo Polyamory?

• Some individuals engage in solo polyamorous relationships for a period of time, and then they might opt to be in a traditional monogamous relationship or some other form of relationship (it depends on the individual and their circumstances).

Common Misconceptions About Solo Polyamorists:

• Fear of Commitment: Solo polyamorists (and polyamorists practicing other forms of polyamory) usually aren't fearful of making a commitment.  Although this might be true in some cases, this isn't the main reason for being polyamorists.  Most people in polyamorous relationships believe it's the best relationship choice for them.

• Cheating: Solo polyamory isn't cheating.  Partners usually know about each other and solo polyamory is a consensual choice between all partners involved.

• Lack of Emotional Intimacy: Most people who are in solo polyamorous relationships would disagree with this.  Most believe they are capable of having a loving, intimate relationship with more than one person.  Also, since good communication is required to maintain healthy polyamorous relationships, polyamorists believe this honest communication actually adds to the emotional intimacy.

Many people believe polyamory is a sexual orientation, it's who they are and it's what works best for them.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?)

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Women and Sexual Fluidity: A Clinical Vignette

In my previous article, Women and Sexual Fluidity, I began a discussion about sexual fluidity.  The article is primarily based on the work of Dr. Lisa M. Diamond, a sex educator and researcher, which states that cis-gender women are more likely to be sexually fluid than cis-gender men.  This doesn't mean that cis-gender men can't experience sexual fluidity (for the rest of the article, it's understood that whenever I refer to women or men, I'm referring to cis-gender individuals).

Women and Sexual Fluidity

In her book, Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women's Love and Desire, Dr. Lisa M. Diamond tracked 100 women over a period of more than 10 years and she discovered that some women's love and sexual preferences are fluid over time and in different situations.

According to Dr. Diamond, these changes in love and desire can occur in women at different stages of their life and in different environments. In other words, for women who experience sexual fluidity, their love and sexual preferences are not exclusively heterosexual or homosexual.  

Although sexual orientation is unchanging for the vast majority of people, some women change their sexual orientation identity over time based on what's happening in their life at that time and their social circumstances.  This is a common and normal occurrence.

Clinical Vignette: Women and Sexual Fluidity

The following clinical vignette, which is based on a composite of many different cases with no identifying information, illustrates the concept of sexual fluidity in women:

Jane

Although Jane identified herself as exclusively heterosexual and only dated men throughout high school, when she went away to college, over time, she realized she was also emotionally and sexually attracted to women.

Her realization began as she got involved with political groups at her college and she met bisexual and lesbian women.  To her knowledge, this was the first time she had ever interacted with lesbian and bisexual women.  None of the women in her high school had ever outwardly identified as being anything other than heterosexual.  However, she realized that there might have been women in high school who weren't "out" to other students and, possibly, to themselves.

At first, when Jane began dating Nancy, who identified herself as a lesbian, Jane thought she was only interested in Nancy and not other lesbians or bisexual women.  She continued to think of herself as being heterosexual and that her attraction for Nancy was "an exception."  But as time went on and she discovered she was attracted to other women and less attracted to men, Jane realized that her attraction was not only for Nancy.  

At first, Jane was confused because she had never experienced these feelings before, so she attended sessions at the college counseling center.  She told her counselor that, unlike some of the lesbians she met at college, who said they always knew they were lesbians, she had never experienced these kinds of feelings before. That's when her counselor explained sexual fluidity to Jane. 

Knowing that she wasn't the only one who experienced these feelings was very helpful to Jane.  Gradually, she accepted that she preferred women at this stage of her life without denying that she had only ever been interested in men before.

In her sophomore year of college, Jane entered into a committed relationship with Ann, who, similar to Jane, discovered in college that she preferred women.  They were both involved in political groups at the college. They also attended bisexual and lesbian support groups, which they found affirming.

Over time, Jane identified herself as a lesbian.  She felt that her emotional and sexual commitment to women was of the utmost importance in her life.

In their senior year of college, Jane and Ann were each offered job opportunities in different states.  Ann was offered a teaching job in New York, and Jane was offered a community organizing job in rural Alabama.  They both agreed that these opportunities were too good to turn down, so they agreed to having a long distance relationship (see my article: Can a Long Distance Relationship Survive?).

Over the next year, they took turns visiting each other, but the demands of their stressful jobs and the challenges of a long distance relationship became burdensome.

Reluctantly, they agreed that it would be better not to be exclusive.  Soon after that, Ann met another woman, Betty, through her work in New York City and she told Jane that she wanted to be in a committed relationship with Betty.  Although it was hard for Jane, she wanted Ann to be happy, so she accepted that their relationship was over.

Adding to her unhappiness, Jane felt lonely in the rural part of Alabama where she was living and working.  She liked her colleagues and they often got together socially, but she missed having a lesbian and bisexual community for support.  She especially missed dating women.  With regard to lesbians, she had only met one woman, Alice, who identified herself as a lesbian, and Alice was in a committed relationship.

During her second year in Alabama, Jane met John at a community organizing meeting.  At first, they only met for coffee to discuss their work.  But as they continued to meet, Jane realized she was attracted to John and she sensed he was attracted to her too.  Soon they were meeting more often, having dinner together and going to the movies.

One night they talked about their mutual attraction for each other over dinner.  Although Jane admitted to John that she felt a strong attraction to him, she also told him that she continued to think of herself as a lesbian and her primary commitment was to women.  In response, John said he didn't have a problem with this if she didn't, and they became romantically and sexually involved.

A year later, Jane and John moved in together.  Although they were in a committed monogamous relationship and she didn't want to see anyone else, Jane realized that she was also attracted to other men, and she thought about her sessions with her college counselor where they talked about sexual fluidity.  

Jane began to think that she might be equally attracted to men and women at this stage in her life--although there were no other lesbians she knew of other than Alice, who had little time to get together with Jane.

Three years into their relationship, Jane and John were drifting apart.  They still cared deeply for each other, but they both agreed that their romantic and sexual relationship had run its course and they were living like roommates.  

At around the same time, Jane was offered a managerial position at a community organization in New York City and both she and John agreed the opportunity was too good to pass up.  So, Jane moved to New York City for her new job, and she also discovered lesbian and bisexual political and support groups in the area.

After her time in rural Alabama where there were no such groups, Jane loved the opportunity to get involved with women's groups again.  She also liked that she had more opportunities to meet other women to socialize with and date.  Occasionally, she dated men, but she knew she preferred women.

Conclusion

For some people sexual orientation identity and sexual responsiveness are not rigid or continuous throughout their life.  They can experience change or fluidity over time depending upon their life stage or the particular circumstances of their life.

Sexual fluidity does not inherently imply any negative emotional or mental health issues.  It's normal and common among many people, especially women, as a way they experience their sexuality over the course of their lifetime.

The experience of sexual fluidity in no way implies a need for conversion therapy, which is a harmful and dangerous form of therapy where unethical practitioners attempt to convert people to heterosexuality.

If you are interested in finding out more about sexual fluidity, I highly recommend that you read Dr. Lisa M. Diamond's book, Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women's Love and Desire (see the link at the beginning of this article).

Getting Help in Therapy

Everyone needs help at some point in their life.  

If you have been struggling with unresolved problems, you're not alone.  Help is available to you.

Working with a licensed mental health professional can help you to overcome the obstacles that are getting in the way of living a meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Women and Sexual Fluidity

Sex researchers have found that sexual responsiveness can change over time, and they identify this concept as sexual fluidity.  While sexual fluidity can apply to both men and women, it's more common in women.  

Women and Sexual Fluidity

For instance, the Binghamton Human Sexualities Lab in New York has been studying sexual behavior for almost 10 years, and their research reveals that between 2011 and 2019 college age women have been moving away from defining themselves as exclusively heterosexual.  

Whereas 77% of women identified themselves as being only attracted to men in 2011, that number declined in 2019 to 65%.  

At the same time, men's sexual attraction to women remained about the same during that same time period (between 85-90%).

What is Sexual Fluidity?

Dr. Lisa M. Diamond, sex educator and author of the book, Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women's Love and Desire, defines sexual fluidity as the capacity for situation-dependent flexibility in sexual responsiveness.  This flexibility allows individuals to experience changes in same-sex or other-sex desire across long term and short term time periods.

According to WebMD, sexual fluidity involves multiple aspects of sexuality:

• Sexual Orientation: The pattern of your sexual attraction and preference
• Sexual Identity: How you define yourself with regard to your orientation
• Sexual Behavior: The sexual activity that you engage in 

When any of the abovementioned aspects change over time, you can consider yourself as being sexually fluid.

At one time, the main categories for sexuality were either gay or heterosexual.  However, sex experts in the field now recognize many other categories, including (but not limited to):

• Heterosexual: Attractions to people of the opposite sex
• Bisexual: Attractions to both men and women
• Gay or Lesbian: Attractions to the same sex
• Pansexual: Attractions to people of all gender identities
• Demisexual: Attractions are based on already having established a strong emotional bond
• Asexual: An umbrella category that encompasses a broad spectrum of sexual orientations (some people experience no sexual or romantic attractions and others might experience varying degrees of attraction to people).

Sexual Preferences on a Spectrum:

Most sex experts agree that sexuality exists on a spectrum.

The Kinsey Scale, originally published in 1948, suggested that many people don't fit neatly into either heterosexual or homosexual categories.

The scale has six ratings with an additional category:

• 0: Exclusively heterosexual
• 1: Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual
• 2: Predominantly heterosexual but more than incidentally homosexual
• 3: Equally heterosexual and homosexual/bisexual
• 4: Predominantly homosexual but more than incidentally heterosexual
• 5: Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual
• 6: Exclusively homosexual
• x: No socio-sexual contacts or reactions

The concept that sexual orientation does not fall neatly into heterosexual or homosexual was groundbreaking at the time.  However, many current experts in the field also recognize that the Kinsey scale doesn't address all the possible sexual orientations and identities. 

This article is meant to be an introduction to this topic.

I'll continue to explore this important topic in my next article: Women and Sexual Fluidity: A Clinical Vignette.

Getting Help in Therapy: Seeking help in therapy doesn't mean that you're weak.  It just means that you're human and everyone needs help at some point.  

If you have been unable to resolve problems on your own, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional.  

About Me:  I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.