Books: Call Me By Your Name - Part 2: The Concept of Living Parallel Lives

In my prior article about the book, Call Me By Your Name, I focused on the phrase, "Is it better to speak or to die?," a question that spurred the main character, Elio, to reveal his romantic feelings to Oliver, the graduate student staying in Elio's family's vacation home in Northern Italy.  In my current article, I'm focusing on another concept that came up in the book (but not in the movie of the same name) about living parallel lives--living the life you have chosen as well as the fantasy of the life you might have wanted on some level but did not choose.

Living Parallel Lives

There are many ambiguities in the book as well as in the movie.  But the part about living parallel lives seemed clearer to me in terms of Oliver's and Elio's enduring romantic feelings for each other even many years later.

When I read what Oliver told Elio about his own experience with parallel lives, I thought about how common this is for many people, especially with regard to relationships.

Whenever we choose one person, we are letting go of other possible choices (see my article:  Explorations in Psychotherapy of the Road Not Taken in Life).

Inevitably, many people experience regrets and a sense of loss for their relationship choices--if not immediately, then perhaps later in life.  But most people make choices given who they are and what they know about themselves, information they have about the situation, and options available to them at the time that they are making the choice.

These can be difficult choices.  Letting go of alternatives can be very challenging.  This can lead to the concept of living parallel lives--living the life chosen as well as the fantasy of the one not chosen.

Living in the 21st century, when it comes to relationships, there has never been a time when it was easier to continue to fantasize about the person you didn't choose or who didn't choose you (see my article: Relationships: Obsessing About the "One Who Got Away").

Unlike the 1980s, when Elio and Oliver had their romance, there's so much information now online that you can keep up with what is going on with your ex and continue to fantasize about what your life might have been like if you were still with that person.

Spoiler Alert:  If you haven't read the book, you might want to stop reading at this point.

As I mentioned in my prior article, unlike the movie, the book is written from Elio's perspective, so it's important to keep in mind that his perspective might not be accurate.  Like anyone else, his view could be distorted.

When they met many years later and Oliver talked to Elio about his own experience of living parallel lives--his actual life with his wife and family and his fantasy of what life might have been like if he remained with Elio, Elio seemed surprised that he was still on Oliver's mind all this time later.  Not only is Elio on Oliver's mind, but Oliver keeps track of Elio's career, what is going on in Elio's life, and what has gone on with Elio's parents.

The words "cor cordium" (translated as "heart of hearts") comes up twice in the book.

The first time is when Oliver was staying with Elio and his family as a graduate student and Oliver and Elio were in town to pick up the Italian translation of Oliver's manuscript. Oliver asked Elio if he knew who drowned in that area.  Elio, who was precocious for his age, responded that it was the poet, Shelley.

Then, Oliver asked Elio if he knew what Shelley's wife and friends did when they found Shelley's body.  Elio responded "cor cordium" referring to when Shelley's friend seized Shelley's heart before it was consumed in the fire as it was being cremated on the shore.  The same two words were engraved on Shelley's gravestone.

Oliver's response was to ask Elio, "Is there anything you don't know?"  At that point, Elio saw his chance to seize the moment to reveal to Oliver, rather cryptically, that he had romantic feelings for Oliver.

The second time that "cor cordium" came up was when they met many years later and Oliver revealed that he kept the framed postcard of a place called Monet's berm that he took from Elio's room when he stayed in Elio's home as a graduate student. This is significant because Monet's berm is the place where Oliver and Elio first kissed and Elio revealed his feelings for him.

The prior history of the framed postcard was that a prior graduate student, who stayed with Elio's family, found it at a flea market in Paris and sent it to Elio as a souvenir.  This prior student had written on the back of the postcard, "Think of me someday."  When Oliver left Elio's family home in Italy, he took the framed postcard with him to remind him of the day that Elio revealed his feelings for him on Monet's berm.

Oliver showed Elio that he kept the framed postcard in his office where he saw it everyday.  He said he added his own inscription to the back and hoped to send it back to Elio.

At first, when Elio asked Oliver what he wrote, Oliver told Elio that he wanted it to be a surprise when he sent it back to Elio.  But when Elio told him that he didn't like surprises, Oliver revealed that he wrote "cor cordium" on the back of the card.

The framed postcard of Monet's berm was part of Oliver's parallel life of fantasizing about their romance with Elio.

There is much that is ambiguous about the book and the movie.  Possibly, the author, Andre Aciman, meant the story to be ambiguous because of Oliver and Elio's feelings were conflicted at times.

It is unclear why Oliver chose the conventional life that he did with his on-again/off-again relationship with his then-girlfriend.  One possibility is revealed earlier in the book when Oliver was very conflicted about getting sexually involved with Elio.  He told Elio that they should not talk about such things when Elio lets him know how he feels about him, as if a man loving another man is a taboo subject.

Oliver's emotional conflict was revealed in several other ways:  After they kissed, he told Elio that, until that point, they were "good" (before they got sexually involved) and he wanted to be "good," the implication being that getting sexually involved would be "bad" or wrong.

In addition, since Oliver was about to become a professor, he had more to lose professionally if he were in a gay relationship (this was the 1980s).

He also told Elio that, unlike Elio's parents who were more liberal and accepting of Elio and Oliver's  love for each other, Oliver's father would be alarmed if he knew that Oliver got involved with a man.  Oliver said his father would take him to a correctional facility if he found out.

Then, of course, there's the age difference of 17 vs 24, which at that stage of life made a big difference, and the geographic distance between them with Elio being in Europe and Oliver in New York City at that point.

For all of his bravado and outward appearance of confidence, Oliver lacked confidence at that stage in his life, as Elio's father astutely observed.  So, that in addition to all the other obstacles of remaining involved with Elio, Oliver might not have felt confident enough to be in a gay relationship with all the problems there would have been in the 1980s.

Neither the book nor the movie reveal if Oliver had any prior involvement with men.  My sense is that, even though Oliver might have known he was bisexual, he probably never acted on his feelings for men before Elio.

Or, it was also possible that Oliver never had these feelings for men before (as opposed to Elio, who revealed in the book that he had attractions for men, but never acted on them).

This is part of the problem when the issue is viewed from a gender binary perspective where people are seen as being either gay, straight or bisexual.  When there is ambiguity as there is in Call Me By Your Name, the problem with the gender binary perspective adds to the confusion.

In any case, neither Elio nor Oliver have completely suppressed their feelings for each other, even though this is difficult given that they are not together and they each feel sad about that.

The end of the book was also ambiguous and seemed to hint at a possible sequel.

If there is a sequel, will Elio and Oliver get together years later or will they continue to live separate but parallel lives where they still love each other but are not directly involved in each other's lives?

It's anyone's guess.

I believe the book as well as the movie have great general appeal because, regardless of sexual orientation, the inner conflicts that Oliver and Elio experience about love and loss are universal themes.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping people, heterosexual and LGBTQ, to overcome problems in their lives and their relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Choosing Healthier Romantic Relationships

One of the main reasons why people come to therapy is to learn to choose healthier romantic relationships. This usually follows a long pattern of choosing emotionally unhealthy relationships where there has been hurt, anger, disappointment and, at times, abuse (see my article:  Are You Attracted to People Who Hurt You?).

Choosing Healthier Romantic Relationships

Confusing Sexual Attraction With Love 
There are many reasons why people develop a pattern of choosing unhealthy relationships.  Most of the time, these choices are unconscious so they are out of people's awareness.

One reason, as I mentioned in an earlier article, Relationships: Confusing Sexual Attraction With Love, is that people make decisions about relationships based on sexual attraction because they confuse this with love.

Falling In Love With Love
At the beginning of a relationship confusing sexual attraction with love often leads to confusing reality with fantasy as people fill in the gaps of what they don't know with what they think they know about a new romantic interest (see my articles:  Relationships: Falling In Love With Love and Are You In Love With Him or Your Fantasy of Him?)

What If You're Only Attracted to People Who Aren't Good For You?
This is a common problem.

What If You're Only Attracted to People Who Aren't Good for You?

Romantic attractions are complex phenomena that are based on unconscious patterns--whether they lead to healthy relationships or not.

All of us, to a greater or lesser degree, are attracted to people who remind us, on an unconscious level, of our earliest relationships with our parents.

People who were lucky enough to have grown up in emotionally healthy families are usually less willing to put up with unhealthy relationships because these patterns are unfamiliar to them.

If they do get into an a relationship with someone who isn't good for them, they're less likely to stay in it because they're aware that it's not good for them and they don't want it.

For people who were not fortunate enough to grow up in a healthy family, they're more likely to be drawn to romantic partners who will repeat similar patterns to the ones that they experienced in their early family relationships.

Choosing Unhealthy Relationships Without Being Aware of It

As I mentioned, for most people this is an unconscious process.

Becoming aware that this is your pattern is the first step.

The next step is changing this pattern in therapy so you don't continue to choose unhealthy relationships.

But many people despair that they'll either continue choosing unhealthy relationships, based on their attractions, or they fear that they'll have to settle for someone that they're not attracted to at all.

Given this perspective, people who make unhealthy choices in relationships often feel pessimistic about changing this pattern.

From Unhealthy to Healthy Relationships:  Developing an Attraction Over Time
Very often, people who become instantly attracted to someone who isn't good for them do so based on an instant attraction and fantasy of who that person is.

I don't know how many times I've heard clients in my psychotherapy private practice, who have this problem, tell me that they always seem to choose the one person in a crowded room who will eventually make them unhappy.

On the face of it, this seems strange:  How can this keep happening?

As I mentioned, attraction is a complex phenomena but, on an unconscious level, we're constantly picking up information about other people without even realizing it.  Some people think of this as "picking up a vibe."  So, there can be 100 people at a party and the person who keeps repeating the same pattern of choosing someone who is unhealthy for them will unconsciously find that person in the crowd.

This is why I usually tell clients to question overpowering instant attractions where they don't really know the person that they're attracted to.  These kinds of instant attractions, where people often feel bowled over by a new person, usually has the seeds of dysfunction.

This is why it's so important, if you're interested in getting into a healthy relationship, that you take things slowly and take the time to get to know the person.

Contrary to what many people think, attractions can develop over time as you get to know someone.  These attractions, which aren't based on fantasy or unconscious unhealthy choices, are more likely to lead to a healthy relationship than the overwhelming instant attraction.

For people who grew up with a lot of "drama" in their family this can sound boring.  They're used to high highs and low lows, so that if things are going on an even keel, they feel something is wrong because they're "hooked" on drama (see my article:  Hooked on Drama: Getting Off the Emotional Roller Coaster).

Before they can get "unhooked" from dramatic and dysfunctional relationships, they usually need to work through a history of unresolved family trauma that is at the heart of these patterns of choosing romantic relationships.

From Unhealthy to Healthy Relationships:  Developing an Attraction Over Time

Attractions that develop over time are usually based on things that are more substantial than physical attraction.  Sexual chemistry can and does develop over time.

Becoming Emotionally Healthy Makes Dysfunctional Relationships Less Attractive
One of the problems for people who choose unhealthy, dysfunctional relationships is not only that they have an attraction for them, but they have a high tolerance for emotional (and sometimes physical) abuse.

As people become healthier in therapy, these unhealthy relationships become unappealing.

The challenge is often sticking with therapy long enough to work through the early family trauma.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you have a pattern of choosing unhealthy relationships, you could benefit from overcoming this problem in therapy with a licensed mental health professional who has experience helping clients with this issue.

This is a common problem for many people who grew up in dysfunctional families, and change can be challenging.  But many people, who seek help in therapy, do change.

Rather than going through your life continuing to choose unhealthy relationships, you can get the help you need to begin choosing healthy loving relationships.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Living a Double Life - Part 1: The Public Self and Private Self

What does it mean to live a double life?  In this blog article, I'll explore what it means to have a public self and a private self as well as personal fantasies, which are common to most people.   In a future article, I'll compare this common behavior to the concept of living a double life.

The Private Self

The Public Self and the Private Self
Let's start by exploring a common phenomenon:  The public and the private self.  On the most basic level, everyone has a public and a private self.  

The public self is the self that, as the term implies. we show to the world.  We usually show different aspects of this public self, depending upon the context.

So, for instance, we might present ourselves at work in a different light than we present ourselves when we socialize with friends or loved ones or when we're relaxing at home.

At work, we might be more formal, depending upon the setting, as opposed to when we're relaxed and informal with loved ones.  With loved ones, we usually allow more private aspects of ourselves to reveal themselves.  And we're usually different with the various people in our lives.  For instance, people usually allow themselves to be more emotionally vulnerable with a spouse or romantic partner than with a casual friend.

Like anything else, the different aspects of self are on a continuum.  Generally speaking, there's nothing unusual about having these different aspects of self, unless there's a big disconnect with these aspects, which I'll discuss in a future blog article.

Fantasies of the Private Self

Aside from how we are in terms of the public and private self, we all have personal fantasies, many of which we keep to ourselves, possibly not even revealing them to those closest to us.

There are all kinds of fantasies, including sexual fantasies, fantasies of being successful, fantasies of being a hero, and so on.  

Fantasies are common and they're usually forward looking.

When a fantasy is positive and forward looking, it can provide the beginning of a new idea.  It can be the beginning of a new creative endeavor by allowing oneself to "think outside the box" or to come up with creative solutions to problems, a new invention, artwork, and so on.

Of course, in order for the fantasy to come to fruition, the fantasy can't just remain in someone's head--some action needs to be taken.

Living a Double Life 

So far, what I've described are common aspects of everyday life, not what would be described as "living a double life" in the usual sense of the term.  These common aspects of self, the public and private selves and inner fantasies are usually part of a more or less integrated personality and an integrated life.

When we use the term "living a double life," we're usually referring to someone who lives a compartmentalized life with very different aspects of him or herself  hidden away from most people. This is in contrast to what we've been exploring so far, the person who has a more integrated life.  The person who is living a double life often has a secret part of his or her life.  It's not unusual for the secret part of his or her life to be hidden away from even loved ones.

Aside from secrecy, there's often some form of deception involved.  Like anything else, leading a double life can be viewed on a continuum from moderate to severe.

Leading a double life could involve anything from cheating on a spouse to, on the more extreme level, sociopathic behavior.

The most severe form of leading a double life would involve sociopathic behavior that can be harmful to oneself as well as others.

Examples of Living a Double Life That Are Harmful Would Be:

• Engaging in infidelity
• Having a second family that the spouse and family in the primary family know nothing about
• Having a separate, secret identity (like the main character in "Mad Men," Don Draper)
• Engaging in money laundering
• Engaging in White collar crime
• Engaging in a Ponzi scheme
• Other attempts to defraud others

And so on...

I've written a prior blog article about a book that describes sociopathic and near sociopathic behavior, Book: Almost a Sociopath, so in a future blog article, I'll focus on the more common types of living a double life on the less extreme end of the spectrum.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

See:  Living a Double Life - Part 2: Secrets and Lies of Infidelity

Is It Love or an Infatuation?

Knowing the difference between love and infatuation can be tricky.  Often, love starts out with that same heady feeling you get when you're infatuated with someone.  

You might spend all day fantasizing obsessively about the other person, forget to eat, dream about him or her at night, and talk incessantly about this person to your friends.  

But, the main difference is that if it's really love and by this, I mean mature love, over time, it will develop into more than just an obsession and it will be reality based.

Is It Love or Infatuation?

What is Reality Based Love?
What do I mean by "reality based" love?  Well, when you're infatuated with someone, the other person might not even know that you exist.  If you're infatuated, the fact that he doesn't even know you, won't stop you from thinking about him all the time.  But when it's really love, it's based on mutual feelings that you've developed together for each other as you get to know each other.  That's what makes it reality based.

Why?  Because you can't really be in love with someone that you don't know, no matter how intensely you feel your feelings.  And it takes a mutual love relationship to get to really know someone--not just your fantasy of who you think this person is.  If your feelings are for someone relatively new to your life, it can't be one sided and still be considered mature love.  I know some people might disagree with me about this, but I think this is important when you're trying to figure if it's love or infatuation.

Spending time together is important so you get to know each other over time rather than getting carried away with who you each think the other person is in your fantasies.  An infatuation can fizzle out if the person that you fantasized about turns out to be a completely different person.  Then, you know your feelings were for the fantasy rather than the actual person.

Mature Love Grows Over Time as Compared to Infatuation
Mature love usually keeps growing over time, assuming it's nurtured.  Mature love is more stable usually and will be more likely to survive the test of time and life's challenges better than infatuation.

Whereas infatuation often has a painful emotional element to it, especially if the feelings are unrequited, mature love, where there is mutuality, makes you feel good about yourself most of the time.  That doesn't mean that you'll always be happy with this other person.  But, generally, speaking, when it's mutual love, rather than infatuation, its a more positive experience most of the time.

Does This Make Infatuation a Bad Experience?
No, not necessarily.  It depends.  If you can enjoy the feeling of being infatuated and it adds a certain passion and aliveness to your life, these feelings can have positive consequences, as long as you have realistic expectations and understand that it's not love.  Feeling alive and passionate might lead to your making positive changes in yourself and in your life.

If you have unrealistic expectations, as mentioned before, it can be a painful experience.  Obsessions can be hard to deal with over time. They can cause you to neglect important areas in your life as you spend most of your time and mental energy focusing on the object of your infatuation.

It all depends on your attitude.  If you can maintain a healthy attitude about your infatuation, it can be a fun time and you can open you up to new experiences, possibly, even to a mature love the next time around.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Ignoring the Early Warning Signs in Your New Relationship?

It's very easy to ignore the early warning signs in a new relationship.  Often, in hindsight, people recognize that there were glaring warning signs early on of problems that they chose to ignore.  If you've never done this yourself, and most of us have at one point or another, you might wonder why anyone would choose to ignore these warning signs of problems to come.

Are You Ignoring the Early Warning Signs in Your New Relationship?

One common reason is that when you really like someone during the early stage of a relationship, you might have blinders on without even realizing it.  Other people, who are not involved in the relationship, might be able to see these early warning signs a lot faster.  They might be more objective than you, especially if you're really smitten with this new person.  Another reason is that it's easy to have romantic fantasies about someone you really like before you really know him or her very well.

You might not see the early warning signs in your new relationship because you're wearing blinders.

The following fictionalized vignette is an example of how easy it is to ignore the early warning signs of problems in a relationship:

Gina:
The first time that Gina went out with Ray, she thought she detected alcohol on his breath.  It was early afternoon and she wondered about this, but she dismissed these nagging thoughts, telling herself that he often entertained clients, and he might have met a client for brunch, including drinks, before he came to see her.  Rather than focus on her doubts, she chose to focus on having a good time with Ray.  She really liked him and she thought he might have all the qualities that she wanted in a man.  She was hoping that they would eventually be in a relationship.  She often had secret fantasies about how it might be to be in a committed relationship with him.  Maybe they'd get married.  She didn't want anything to get in the way of a serious relationship developing between them.

When she went out with him for a fifth date, he took a call from someone and placed a bet on a football game.  Gina noticed how happy and excited he became as he placed the bet.  It was like he was experiencing "a rush." After he got off the phone, he turned to her and said, somewhat sheepishly, "I hope you don't mind that I took that call from my bookie.  There's the potential to make big money on this bet."  Gina, who was a little naive about these things, had never known anyone who had a bookie. She wondered about this, but she quickly brushed it off.  Her feelings for Ray were getting deeper, and she didn't want to spoil the evening.

As they continued to see each other, Gina found herself thinking about Ray nearly all the time.  One day, when they went out to dinner, Gina noticed that Ray wasn't his usual dynamic, optimistic, charismatic self.  He seemed distracted and somewhat down in the dumps.  When she asked him about it, he told her that he lost a lot of money in a poker game.  Then, he seemed to shrug it off and brighten up, saying he would recoup his money in the next poker game.

A few days later, when he came to see her, Ray was noticeably drunk.  He was slurring his words and he was a little unsteady on his feet.  Realizing that Gina could see that he was drunk, he suggested that they stay at her apartment rather than go out.  He said he didn't want to risk getting pulled over by the police.  Gina was concerned at this point and asked Ray about his drinking.  Ray responded that he was   having "a cycle of bad luck," he lost more money at poker, and he had a few drinks to calm his nerves.  He assured her that he didn't have a drinking problem.  Gina wondered about this, but then she told herself that Ray had a very responsible and successful career.  If he was really an alcoholic, she thought to herself, he wouldn't be so successful.  She told herself that he was probably going through a rough patch and she shouldn't worry about it.

Then, several months later, a few days went by and Gina didn't hear from Ray.  This was unusual because he usually called her every day.  She tried to reach him, leaving messages on his voicemail, but he didn't call her back.  She began to worry and wonder if something happened to him.  Since she had the key to his apartment, she went over, rang the doorbell, and when he didn't answer, she let herself in.  What she saw shocked her.  She froze at the threshold.  The apartment, which was a beautiful, luxury apartment in a doorman building, was a wreck.  Whenever she had been there in the past, it was always so well maintained.  But on that day, there were liquor bottles strewn all over the floor and the whole place looked like it had been turned upside down.

When Gina recovered enough to walk into the bedroom, her mouth dropped open when she saw Ray in bed with two scantly dressed women, and all of them were snorting cocaine.  When he saw Gina standing there, he shouted at her to get out.  Gina had never seen Ray like this before.  She was so shocked by what she saw that she felt frozen on the spot for what seemed like a long time.  When Ray got out of bed and lunged at her, Gina ran out in tears.

For a few weeks after that, Gina refused to take Ray's calls.  She felt like a fool.  He left several messages apologizing for his behavior, he sent apologetic emails, and sent her flowers.  He was relentless in pursuing her.  She began to feel harassed by him.  Finally, she sent him an email and told him never to contact her again, and he never did.

Gina was very upset with Ray, but she was even more upset with herself.  She realized that, all along, there had been signs that Ray had an addictive personality, but she chose to ignore these early signs.  Now, in hindsight, she realized that she kept making excuses for his behavior.  As she talked about what happened to her best friend, she realized that she had done this several times before with other men.  At that point, she recognized that she had a propensity to ignore some obvious "red flags" with men she was interested in, and she no longer trusted her judgment.  At that point, she decided to start therapy to break this pattern.  She never wanted to go through anything like this again.

Learning from Experience

Hindsight is 20-20

As the saying goes, "Hindsight is always 20-20."  When we look back and reflect on it, it's so much easier to see our mistakes than when we're in the situation.  Rather than beating yourself up about it, it's much better to learn from these experiences and to stop making the same mistakes.

Learn From Prior Experiences in Relationships

Sometimes, people can learn to overcome these errors in judgment on our own.  For other people, who continue to make the same mistakes over and over again, it's often worthwhile to seek professional help from a licensed mental health practitioner.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you continually find yourself ignoring the early warning signs in one relationship after the next, you owe it to yourself to get professional help.  When you learn to stop ignoring the signs that there are serious problems, it's possible for you to make better choices and enhance the quality of your life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist  

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Photo Credits: Photo Pin

Relationships: Are You In Love with a Fantasy of Your Partner?

One of the most challenging things about being in a relationship is when we fall in love with the fantasy of who we want rather than who the person really is. Despite the title of this blog post, this happens with both men and women. 

Are You in Love With a Fantasy of Your Partner?

This is a form of denial that, unfortunately, is common, especially early on in relationships. It's as if we turn a blind eye to the signals and cues that we're getting along the way, hoping that we can, somehow, change our partners to be more to our liking. But deluding ourselves in this way has repercussions for ourselves and for our relationships.

The following short fictionalized examples illustrate how this dynamic creates problems in relationships:

Jeff and Celia:
When Celia began dating Jeff, he mentioned to her early on that he had a long history of not being able to make commitments in prior relationships, and he didn't want to get serious with anyone at this point. For Celia, this went in one ear and out the other. She liked Jeff so much that she hoped that she would be the one who would change his mind and that he'd be willing to make a commitment with her. But one year into their dating relationship when Jeff continued to maintain that he didn't want to make a commitment with Celia, she was deeply disappointed and hurt. When Jeff ended the relationship because he felt pressured by her to make a commitment to her, Celia couldn't understand what happened.

Susan and John:
After being together for a year, John placed Susan on his credit card account, even though he knew that she had a long history of overspending and getting into debt. He ignored the obvious red flags, and hoped that he would be able to teach her to spend more responsibly. But after Susan ran up his credit card and she was unable to pay, despite his efforts to encourage her to moderate her spending, he felt angry and betrayed.

Bruce and Ed:
When Bruce and Ed began dating, Bruce told Ed that he problems with fidelity in all his other relationships. But Ed felt that what Bruce felt for him was much more than what Bruce felt in his other relationships, so he didn't believe that Bruce would cheat on him. Two years into their relationship, Ed signed into their home computer and he was shocked to find ongoing erotic email correspondence between Bruce and several other men

Linda and Betty:
When they first met, Betty revealed to Linda that she had a problem with anger management. As Linda listened to Betty describe her anger management problems in prior relationships, with family members, and at work, Linda found it hard to believe that someone who was as gentle and kind as Betty could have a temper. This was not at all how Linda saw Betty. She thought that Betty must have been exaggerating. But seven months into their relationship, they got into a spat about who should do the dishes and Betty suddenly stormed out of the apartment without warning, and she didn't come back for an hour. Linda was speechless. It was only then that Linda remembered that Betty had warned her about her temper.

Why Do People End Up Falling In Love with a Fantasy?

Very often this dynamic occurs when people first fall in love, and they don't realize that they have fallen in love with their fantasy of the other person. The mind and the heart don't like having a vacuum so, in these instances, they fill in the blanks with what is most desired, completely ignoring what might be obvious from the start.

Being in love can sometimes be like being in a cloud. It takes a while for the cloud to disperse to see who's actually there. Add to this that most people are on their very best behavior for at least the first six months or so and you can see how problems can begin.

How Can You Avoid Falling In Love with the Fantasy of Your Partner?
First, it's very important to pay attention to what this person tells you or what you know about him or her from prior history. Rather than dismiss the past, really listen and consider what this will mean for you and a potential relationship with this person. It doesn't necessarily mean that this dynamic will happen with you, but you shouldn't ignore it. It's information.

Second, don't convince yourself that you'll be able to change him or her once you're together. He or she might not want to change. And, while it's true that people can change, it's also true that people often repeat patterns in relationships, especially if they don't get professional help to try to change. Even with professional help, ingrained patterns can be difficult to change. The person has to be internally motivated to change and willing to do the work and not just responding to pressure from you.

Third, if you're in doubt as to whether you're seeing this person objectively, talk to a trusted friend. Friends, who are outside of the situation, can often see things that you can't. Try not to be defensive or argumentative, just listen. This doesn't mean that your friend is always right, but a second opinion from a trusted friend might give you a different perspective.

Fourth, once you're confronted with the pattern of behavior that you were in denial about all along, don't continue to stick your head in the sand. Often, these things don't get better by themselves. A lot will depend on your own attitude and tolerance. If you're Linda in one the examples above, and your attitude is, "I'll just let Betty blow off steam for now because she usually comes around and I know she had a hard day," meaning that you're not really that affected by this and can let it roll off you're back, that's one thing. But if Betty's temper tantrums represent unacceptable behavior that you know you can't live with, that's another thing. You need to know yourself and what is and what isn't acceptable for you. Needless to say, I'm not referring to emotional or physical abuse, but occasional temper tantrums.

If you know you can't tolerate the behavior, speak to your partner and be honest about it. If your partner warned you early on and you allowed yourself to fall in love with your fantasy of your partner and not who your partner really is, take responsibility for this. Then, discuss with your partner whether you're willing to work things out either on your own or in couples counseling.

In almost every relationship, early on, there tends to be some idealization of the other person. As we get to know our partners and they get to know us, that idealization wears off in time and, in the best case scenario, a mature relationship develops that's reality based. But when we're stuck in a fantasy, it can be a rude awakening when reality intrudes. Then, before we blame our partners, we must ask ourselves what role we played in our own disappointment.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, please call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.