Romantic Attractions: Can Limerence (Also Known As "Love at First Sight" or Infatuation) Turn Into Love?

Limerence is often described as "love at first sight." It's also often called infatuation, obsessiveness, a crush, an attraction, and so on.  It can last anywhere from a few months to a few years.  

Love and Limerence

I wrote two prior articles, What is Limerence? and What Are the 3 Stages of Limerence?, to define limerence, how it's different from love, and describe the various stages that many people go through, so take a look at those articles if you're unfamiliar with the concept.

How Does Limerence Turn Into Love?

In the current article, I'll be describing how limerence can turn into love.  

Limerence and Love

    Characteristics of a Stable Love Relationship

Love and limerence are different.  Love isn't based on fantasies, illusions or obsessions like limerence.  Instead, love is based on the following qualities (at a minimum):

• Mutual Agreement About the Relationship: You and your partner are in mutual agreement about being in a relationship and what you want in a relationship (see my article: Are You and Your Partner on the Same Wavelength About Your Relationship?).

• Emotional Vulnerability and Intimacy: Each person feels safe enough to express their love to their partner to enhance emotional intimacy (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional Intimacy in a Relationship).

Limerence and Love

• Mutual Caring: Each person cares about the other and shows how much they care through their words and behavior (see my article: Are Your Emotional Needs Being Met in Your Relationship?).

• Mutual Respect: Each person respects the other and their personal boundaries (see my article: Setting Healthy Boundaries in Your Relationship).

Limerence and Love

• Trust: Trust is the foundation of any loving relationship. Without trust a loving, healthy relationship doesn't exist.

• Good Communication: Each person can speak openly and honestly to their partner with tact and respect without fear of retaliation (What is Good Communication in a Relationship?).

• Individuality: Each person continues to develop their own interests and friendships and supports their partner's individuality (see my article: Growing as an Individual While You're in a Relationship).

Limerence and Love

• Compromise: Each person can acknowledge their partner's perspective, even if they don't agree, and there's a give-and-take as long as it doesn't jeopardize either person's values.

• Healthy Sexuality: Sex is consensual without pressure. Each person cares about the other person's sexual well-being and both are focused on pleasure and sexual intimacy (see my article: What is a Healthy Sexual Relationship?).

There are many other qualities in a loving relationship, but the ones listed above are some of the most basic.  You might also have other important qualities and characteristics that are specifically important to you, like religion, culture, finances, and so on.

    Steps You Can Take to Assess Whether Your Romantic Attraction Can Turn Into Stable Love

Here are some factors to consider:

• Assess Whether You're Ready to Be in a Relationship: Before you do anything else, including talking to your partner, think about whether you are ready to be in a stable loving relationship. Compared to the fun involved with an infatuation, a loving stable relationship takes maturity and commitment. Contrary to what many people believe, you don't have to work out all your emotional issues before you get into a relationship, but you do need to be emotionally stable and ready.  Also, ask yourself if you're looking for a relationship as a way for someone else to complete you because that's not a good reason to enter into a committed relationship.

Love and Limerence

• Assess Whether Your Partner is Ready to Be in a Relationship With You: Does your partner want to be in a committed relationship with you? Although this can feel uncomfortable, you need to talk about it if this is something you're seriously considering. Are you idealizing your partner? Are you caught up in fantasies or illusions about what a relationship would be like with them? Beyond being fun and having a good time sexually, is your partner mature, stable and responsible enough to be part of a committed relationship? Are they capable of forming a loving bond with you that can withstand the  challenges that come up in any committed relationship? What is their relationship history? Are they trustworthy? If you find yourself having thoughts about how you can change your partner, stop--you're going down the wrong path.  Assess your partner just the way they are right now.

Love and Limerence

• Assess the Dynamic Between You and Your Partner: Even though you're having fun now, can the two of you interact in a way that includes the characteristics listed above for a stable relationship? You might not be able to tell yet if you've only been dating for a short time.  But assuming you're both interested in exploring the possibility of a committed relationship together, consider any positive or negative signs and how these characteristics balance out for you and what you're looking for in a committed relationship. 

Love and Limerence

• Assess Whether You're Both Ready to Work on a Stable Relationship Together: Even the best relationships take work, especially after the stages of limerence.  Are you both willing and able to do the work to have a healthy relationship together? Are you both interested in the same relationship goals?

    Other Considerations That Might Be Important to You

You might have other considerations that are important to you, so take time to think about those factors. Write them down to get clarity for yourself and so you can communicate them to your partner, if you choose to do so.

Conclusion

Limerence, which is also known as "love at first sight" or infatuation, usually lasts anywhere from a few months to a few years.

By itself, limerence isn't the basis for a stable loving relationship, but it can be the fun beginning to a new romantic attraction.

Over time, if the right combination of factors are there for you and your partner, limerence can develop into mature love.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Romantic Attractions: What Are the 3 Stages of Limerence?

In my prior article, Romantic Attractions: What is Limerence, Also Known As "Love At First Sight", I defined limerence and its similarities and differences to love.  In the current article, I'm focusing on the 3 Stages of Limerence.

Romantic Attractions: The 3 Stages of Limerence

As a recap: Limerence is a state of mind where someone feels infatuated or obsessed with the person they desire. This state of mind is often referred to as "love at first sight."  Limerence usually occurs during the early stage of a relationship.  Generally, it lasts anywhere from a few months to a few years for most people. It has similarities and differences with love, which you can read about in the prior article.

What Are the 3 Stages of Limerence?

• Stage 1: Infatuation: This stage occurs during the early stage of a relationship. This is the "honeymoon" phase or the stage when there's a crush. Relationship experts often refer to it as the infatuation stage.  It's often characterized by obsession, possessiveness and jealousy as well as idealization of the desired person (as opposed to a realistic perspective).

• Stage 2: Crystallization: Limerence begins to fade in this stage as the two people get to know each other. They're each beginning to get a more realistic perspective about each other.  If the two people become a couple, they face disappointments in each other as well as in other parts of life and they face challenges together. During this stage, although the perspective might be a little more realistic, they might also rationalize away individual problems as well as problems between them.  There is a strong impulse to try to maintain the earlier stage of infatuation even as it might begin to fade.  There might still be obsessive thoughts and emotions during this phase.

• Stage 3: Deterioration: This is the stage where limerence deteriorates. Deterioration can happen quickly or slowly over time depending upon the two people and the situation involved. Instead of idealizing the other person, the person is this stage sees their flaws and problems in the relationship more clearly.  Any unrealistic fantasies fade.

Clinical Vignette: The 3 Stages of Limerence

The following clinical vignette illustrates how someone can go through the 3 Stages of Limerence. As always, the vignette is a composite of many clinical cases with all identifying information removed.

Alice

When Alice met Rick, she had not been in a relationship for three years.  Her last relationship ended badly after she found out her boyfriend was cheating on her.  

After that relationship ended, she was in despair because she wanted to get married and have children and, since she was in her mid-30s, she was concerned about her age.

She met Rick on a dating app and she liked that he wanted to meet her after a few texts.  So many of the other men she texted with on these dating sites seemed fearful of meeting in person.

From the moment she met Rick, she felt immediately drawn to him.  She found him very handsome, intelligent, charming and funny.  

After their first date, Alice couldn't stop thinking about Rick.  He texted her everyday and called her several times that first week.  He showered her with so many compliments and gifts that her close friends warned her that she was being love bombed, but Alice ignored them (see my article: 10 Signs You're Being Love Bombed).

After the first week, they were spending 3-4 days together even though they were busy with work and other commitments.  

Alice was so infatuated with Rick that she only wanted to spend time with him instead of spending time with her friends.  Rick also told her that his friends were complaining that he didn't hang out with them anymore, but he said he didn't care--he only wanted to be with her.

Sex was passionate between them. Alice never felt as free sexually as she felt with Rick. He introduced her to sexual role play and kinky sex, which she loved.

During that time, they agreed to be exclusive with each other, so they both got off the dating app.  By then, Alice was obsessed with Rick.  When her close friends suggested that she slow down, Alice ignored them.  

When Alice's old college buddy, Mike, contacted her to say he would be in town and he would love to see her, she told Rick about it.  He became jealous and angry.  Even after she tried to reassure Rick that her friendship with Mike had always been strictly platonic, Rick told her that he didn't want her to see Mike. 

Alice thought Rick's possessiveness and jealousy meant he loved her.  And, since she didn't want to do anything to jeopardize her relationship with Rick, she told Mike she would be out of town and she couldn't see him.  

Once again, Alice's friends warned her she was confusing jealousy and possessiveness for love, but she didn't pay attention to their warnings.

Shortly after that, Alice and Rick were in an Indian restaurant and she was surprised to see how rude Rick was to the waiter.  After the waiter left, Rick mumbled a racial slur under his breath--something Alice had never seen him do before.

Although she didn't like Rick's rudeness and she felt somewhat disheartened, Alice rationalized his behavior away by telling herself that he was tired and he didn't realize how he was behaving. But it continued to bother her.

By then, Rick wasn't texting and calling her as much.  He told her he had to stay at work late and his weekends were taken up by a special project he was working on.  

But Alice's best friend saw Rick holding hands with another woman in a restaurant on a Saturday night when he told Alice he was at work.

Romantic Attractions: The 3 Stages of Limerence

When Alice heard about Rick being with another woman, she was shocked.  She couldn't believe he would lie to her this way.  

She called Rick repeatedly the same day she heard about the other woman, but he didn't return her calls.  A few days later, Rick contacted her in a short text admitting he lied about being busy at work. 

He rationalized it by writing he didn't want to hurt her feelings.  He also told her he was no longer interested in seeing her anymore because he was head-over-heels about this other woman.

After that text, Rick didn't respond to any more of Alice's texts and eventually she realized he blocked her on his phone.

Shortly after her last contact with Rick, Alice began therapy to try to understand why she kept choosing men who hurt her (see my article: Choosing Healthier Relationships).

Conclusion

The vignette about Alice discusses the 3 Stages of Limerence from Infatuation to Deterioration.  

Alice was particularly vulnerable at that time because it had been a long time since she had been in a relationship, her last relationship was so disappointing, she wanted to get married and have children and she was concerned about her age.

During the Infatuation Stage, she was obsessed with thoughts of Rick and couldn't get enough of him. She ignored the red flags that her friends could see clearly, and she also ignored her friends' warnings (see my article: Do Your Friends See "Red Flags" About Your Relationship That You're Not Seeing?).

During the Crystallization Stage, she began to see flaws in Rick, but she remained ambivalent.  Although she saw these flaws, she rationalized them away by making excuses for him.

The Deterioration Stage came abruptly crashing down on Alice after her friend told her that Rick was cheating on her, he admitted cheating by text, told Alice that he only wanted to see this other woman and eventually blocked her from his phone.

Her illusions were crushed and she had no choice but to admit to herself she was making poor choices when it came to the men she dated.  

She also realized she needed help in therapy to deal with this problem. 

In therapy, her therapist could help her to identify the unconscious issues and blind spots related to her early history and help her to make better choices (see my article: Unhealthy Relationships: Bad Luck or Poor Choices?).

Next Article: Can Limerence Turn Into Love?

In the vignette about Alice, her relationship with Rick never developed beyond the limerence.  In the next article, I'll discuss what happens when limerence turns into love.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Romantic Attractions: What is Limerence (Also Known As Infatuation)?

Dorothy Tennov, Ph.D., coined the term "limerence" to describe the early stage of a romantic relationship.  She wrote about her research findings in her 1979 book, Love and Limerence: The Early Experience of Being in Love.

What is Limerence?

Limerence is a state of mind where someone is infatuated or obsessed with the person they desire.  It's often an involuntary state where someone has a strong desire to be with that person.  

Romantic Attractions: Limerence

Limerence usually occurs during the early stage of an attraction.  Generally speaking, limerence often lasts anywhere from a few months and a few years.  There can be individual variation.

Depending upon the individual and the circumstances, limerence can be categorized by either euphoric feelings or feelings of despair.

Limerence is also described as "love at first sight," although there is a difference between love and limerence, which I'll explain in a bit.

Romantic Attractions: Limerence

During the early stage of two people getting to know each other, limerence is often characterized by one or both people craving each other when they're apart. 

They want to spend more time together, be more affectionate and, if they're sexual, have more sex. One or both of them feel like they can't get enough of each other.

How is Limerence Different From Love?

The difference between love and limerence can be confusing because they look similar.

Similarities Between Love and Limerence

Both love and limerence start out with a dopamine rush.  

But limerence is relatively short-lived and conditional.  

Limerence can disappear if the person isn't getting what they want from the other person. 

For instance, if the other person isn't able to spend as much time with them as they want or if the other person doesn't express affection to them in the way they want or as often as they want, limerence can disappear.  

When the person in the limerence state doesn't get their needs gratified, they can feel like a bubble has burst.

Differences Between Love and Limerence

During the limerence phase, a person often idealizes the person they're infatuated with and focuses mostly on the other person's positive qualities and might overlook their problems (see my article: Relationships: The Ideal vs the Real).

Love is more fluid and less conditional.  Whereas limerence can make a person feel like their head is in the clouds, love is much more grounded.  Instead of being focused on what the other person can give them, they want the other person to be happy.  

Love goes beyond a superficial attraction. There is a deeper connection and an emotional vulnerability as two people get to know each other.  Over time, they experience life together and ride the waves of life's many challenges together.

To summarize the differences: Whereas love is based on rootedness, emotional connection, intimacy and it's reality based, limerence is based on infatuation, idealization, obsession, possession, conditions, jealousy and unrealistic expectations.  

Next Article: The 3 Phases of Limerence

I'll continue to discuss limerence in my next article which will focus on the three phases of limerence: Romantic Attractions: The 3 Phases of Limerence.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Psychotherapy Blog: Falling In Love and Fear of Emotional Vulnerability

To fall in love, you have to allow yourself to be emotionally vulnerable.  And, yet, even though so many people want love in their lives, they're too afraid to allow themselves to open up to allow themselves to be vulnerable so they can experience the love that they desire.

Falling In Love and Fear of Emotional Vulnerability

Why Is Emotional Vulnerability So Scary?

Many people are afraid to allow themselves to be emotional vulnerable because they're afraid of getting hurt, especially if they've fallen in love before, they felt abandoned, and they got hurt (see my article:  Overcoming Fear of Abandonment).

Fear of rejection is also a factor.  People fear opening themselves up and then being rejected.  

It's not unusual for people who are afraid of getting hurt to shut down emotionally rather than allow themselves to be emotionally vulnerable.

It's a dilemma that's not easy for people to overcome on their own because they're stuck between two difficult choices:  Allowing themselves to open up to love vs. shutting down and remaining alone and lonely (see my article:  An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting and Dreading Love).

Fear of Emotional Vulnerability:  Some People Vacillate Between Opening Up and Shutting Down

In a prior blog article, Fear of Being Emotionally Vulnerable, I give a scenario that describes this dilemma.

Some people are more sensitive to the possibility of rejection than others.

Many people vacillate between these two choices.  Some people spend their whole lives going back and forth without ever resolving this dilemma for themselves.

The Courage to Be Emotionally Vulnerable

There is no way to have a successful relationship without allowing yourself to be emotionally vulnerable.

It takes a lot of courage, especially after you've been hurt before, to allow yourself to be vulnerable and open to falling in love again (see my article:  Developing the Courage to Change).

There are no guarantees that you won't get hurt again.  But if you don't allow yourself to be vulnerable, you are guaranteed to be alone.

Emotional Vulnerability and a History of Emotional Trauma

People who have a history of emotional trauma, especially trauma that goes back to childhood, have the hardest time allowing themselves to be emotionally vulnerable.

People who haven't experienced healthy relationships as a child have no personal models to draw on when it comes to choosing and developing a healthy relationship.  So, they end up bonding with others in unhealthy ways.

As a result, they often get into one unhealthy relationship after another which, unfortunately, confirms a feeling that they have that there are no healthy relationships to be had (see my article:  Falling In Love With Mr. Wrong Over and Over Again).

If they never get help to overcome their earlier emotional trauma and their misconceptions about relationships, after many failed attempts, they might opt to remain alone.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you recognize the dynamics that I describe in this article, you're not alone.

Rather than allowing your history of trauma to have a negative effect on you for the rest of your life, you could get help to overcome your fears by seeing a licensed mental health professional who specializes in working with trauma (see my article:  How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Free Yourself of Your History in Therapy: Overcome Your Fear of Being Emotionally Vulnerable 

Once you're free from your history, you'll be free to allow yourself to be emotionally vulnerable in a healthy romantic relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

All You Need is More Than Love

Often, when people fall in love, their attitude is that, like the Beatles song, all they need is love.  Being in love and passionate for each other can take you along for a while--maybe even the first two years of a relationship.  Then, it soon becomes obvious that you need more than just love to have a successful relationship.

All You Need is More Than Love

Here are a few other important factors, beyond love, that contribute to a happy relationship:

Respecting Each Other:  If you love each other, but there are times, let's say when you're angry, that you speak and act disrespectfully to each other, after a while, love alone isn't going to carry you through. Disrespect can take many forms:  a contemptuous look, name calling, cheating on your partner, lying, etc. It's important that when disagreements come up, as they inevitably do in serious relationships, you both remember to be mutually respectful to one another.

Learning to Compromise: Falling in love and feeling passionate for one another is great, but relationships also call for compromise at times.  If you and your partner haven't learned the give-and-take that is part of any long-term relationship, more than likely, you'll soon be embroiled in arguments and power struggles where each of you is trying to get your way.  Both people need to know how to compromise so it's not just a one-way street with one person doing all the compromising.

Having Similar Core Values and Outlook on Life: When you fall in love, it might be due, in part, to a sexual attraction or you enjoy similar activities, but it's also important for the health of a long-term relationship that you have similar core values.  You don't  need to agree about everything, but for the things that are most important to each of you, it's important to have similar values.

There Are Exceptions:
Now, I know there are couples who have long-term relationships where they don't have similar core values.  But they're the exception rather than the rule.  For instance, if your religious faith is important to you and you know you will only be happy with a partner who shares the same faith, don't think that overlooking this in a partner will work or, worse still, that you'll convert him or her to your faith.  It can happen, but more often than not, it doesn't.

If you know you won't be happy unless you have children and your partner doesn't want kids, don't overlook this.  You might feel resentful in the future.  There are so many other examples of this, whether it involves attitudes about money, politics, families, etc.  So, be honest with yourself and your partner at the beginning of the relationship.

All You Need is More Than Love
When you first fall in love, you might not want to think about respect, compromise or core values.  It's easy to get swept away on a tidal wave of love and think that "love will conquer all" and other cliches about love.

And maybe you and your partner will be one of the exceptions that I've discussed, but chances are you won't be.  So, don't ignore some of the red flags that might come up early on about these issues if you want a long-term relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

Relationships: Are You In Love with a Fantasy of Your Partner?

One of the most challenging things about being in a relationship is when we fall in love with the fantasy of who we want rather than who the person really is. Despite the title of this blog post, this happens with both men and women. 

Are You in Love With a Fantasy of Your Partner?

This is a form of denial that, unfortunately, is common, especially early on in relationships. It's as if we turn a blind eye to the signals and cues that we're getting along the way, hoping that we can, somehow, change our partners to be more to our liking. But deluding ourselves in this way has repercussions for ourselves and for our relationships.

The following short fictionalized examples illustrate how this dynamic creates problems in relationships:

Jeff and Celia:
When Celia began dating Jeff, he mentioned to her early on that he had a long history of not being able to make commitments in prior relationships, and he didn't want to get serious with anyone at this point. For Celia, this went in one ear and out the other. She liked Jeff so much that she hoped that she would be the one who would change his mind and that he'd be willing to make a commitment with her. But one year into their dating relationship when Jeff continued to maintain that he didn't want to make a commitment with Celia, she was deeply disappointed and hurt. When Jeff ended the relationship because he felt pressured by her to make a commitment to her, Celia couldn't understand what happened.

Susan and John:
After being together for a year, John placed Susan on his credit card account, even though he knew that she had a long history of overspending and getting into debt. He ignored the obvious red flags, and hoped that he would be able to teach her to spend more responsibly. But after Susan ran up his credit card and she was unable to pay, despite his efforts to encourage her to moderate her spending, he felt angry and betrayed.

Bruce and Ed:
When Bruce and Ed began dating, Bruce told Ed that he problems with fidelity in all his other relationships. But Ed felt that what Bruce felt for him was much more than what Bruce felt in his other relationships, so he didn't believe that Bruce would cheat on him. Two years into their relationship, Ed signed into their home computer and he was shocked to find ongoing erotic email correspondence between Bruce and several other men

Linda and Betty:
When they first met, Betty revealed to Linda that she had a problem with anger management. As Linda listened to Betty describe her anger management problems in prior relationships, with family members, and at work, Linda found it hard to believe that someone who was as gentle and kind as Betty could have a temper. This was not at all how Linda saw Betty. She thought that Betty must have been exaggerating. But seven months into their relationship, they got into a spat about who should do the dishes and Betty suddenly stormed out of the apartment without warning, and she didn't come back for an hour. Linda was speechless. It was only then that Linda remembered that Betty had warned her about her temper.

Why Do People End Up Falling In Love with a Fantasy?

Very often this dynamic occurs when people first fall in love, and they don't realize that they have fallen in love with their fantasy of the other person. The mind and the heart don't like having a vacuum so, in these instances, they fill in the blanks with what is most desired, completely ignoring what might be obvious from the start.

Being in love can sometimes be like being in a cloud. It takes a while for the cloud to disperse to see who's actually there. Add to this that most people are on their very best behavior for at least the first six months or so and you can see how problems can begin.

How Can You Avoid Falling In Love with the Fantasy of Your Partner?
First, it's very important to pay attention to what this person tells you or what you know about him or her from prior history. Rather than dismiss the past, really listen and consider what this will mean for you and a potential relationship with this person. It doesn't necessarily mean that this dynamic will happen with you, but you shouldn't ignore it. It's information.

Second, don't convince yourself that you'll be able to change him or her once you're together. He or she might not want to change. And, while it's true that people can change, it's also true that people often repeat patterns in relationships, especially if they don't get professional help to try to change. Even with professional help, ingrained patterns can be difficult to change. The person has to be internally motivated to change and willing to do the work and not just responding to pressure from you.

Third, if you're in doubt as to whether you're seeing this person objectively, talk to a trusted friend. Friends, who are outside of the situation, can often see things that you can't. Try not to be defensive or argumentative, just listen. This doesn't mean that your friend is always right, but a second opinion from a trusted friend might give you a different perspective.

Fourth, once you're confronted with the pattern of behavior that you were in denial about all along, don't continue to stick your head in the sand. Often, these things don't get better by themselves. A lot will depend on your own attitude and tolerance. If you're Linda in one the examples above, and your attitude is, "I'll just let Betty blow off steam for now because she usually comes around and I know she had a hard day," meaning that you're not really that affected by this and can let it roll off you're back, that's one thing. But if Betty's temper tantrums represent unacceptable behavior that you know you can't live with, that's another thing. You need to know yourself and what is and what isn't acceptable for you. Needless to say, I'm not referring to emotional or physical abuse, but occasional temper tantrums.

If you know you can't tolerate the behavior, speak to your partner and be honest about it. If your partner warned you early on and you allowed yourself to fall in love with your fantasy of your partner and not who your partner really is, take responsibility for this. Then, discuss with your partner whether you're willing to work things out either on your own or in couples counseling.

In almost every relationship, early on, there tends to be some idealization of the other person. As we get to know our partners and they get to know us, that idealization wears off in time and, in the best case scenario, a mature relationship develops that's reality based. But when we're stuck in a fantasy, it can be a rude awakening when reality intrudes. Then, before we blame our partners, we must ask ourselves what role we played in our own disappointment.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, please call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Falling In Love with "Mr. Wrong" Over and Over Again

The title of this blog post could easily have been "Falling In Love with Ms. Wrong Over and Over Again."

Falling In Love with "Mr. Wrong" Over and Over Again

A Recurring Pattern of Choosing "Mr Wrong" or "Ms. Wrong"
Whether you are a heterosexual man or woman, bisexual, or gay, the pattern is often the same: You leave a relationship where you feel you've been mistreated (or that person leaves you). You vow not to get into another relationship like that again.

Some time goes by. Then, you meet someone new and it's love at first sight again. You're "head over heels" about this person. You go out for a while. Everything seems wonderful at first. Then, gradually, over time, the same pattern emerges.

Falling In Love with "Mr. Wrong" Over and Over Again

After a while, you find yourself wondering how you ended up choosing someone with the same problems as the last person. The relationship ends. You feel disappointed in yourself and very reluctant to meet someone new. After that, you take some time to yourself. Then, you meet someone new that you think is wonderful, and the pattern begins again.

It's not unusual for men and women to begin psychotherapy to find out why they keep falling in love with people who are not right for them. Usually, people come to therapy after they've gone through several cycles of the pattern that I described above. At that point, many people don't trust themselves to enter into another relationship because they're afraid that it will be another disaster. The problem is that they don't want to be alone either, so they're stuck between wanting to have someone special in their lives and being too afraid to open their hearts again.

Why Do People Keep Falling In Love with "Mr. Wrong" or "Ms. Wrong"?
Choosing a partner can be complicated, especially if you grew up in a dysfunctional family. There are so many unconscious feelings that are operating just under the surface when you feel attracted to someone. Often, these unconscious feelings affect your ability to choose someone who is right for you. If you have a pattern of choosing people who are wrong for you, you're probably repeating old patterns from your family of origin without even realizing it.

The following vignette which, as always, is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality, illustrates how someone continues to repeat the same pattern of falling in love with people who are wrong for her:

Marla:
When Marla began psychotherapy, she had just gone through the most painful breakup of her life. She met Neil at a friend's party. She noticed him immediately from across the room and he was already looking at her. She felt an instant "rush" and attraction before she even talked to him. They began dating shortly afterwards, and Marla fell in love with Neil very quickly. She felt that he was so kind and considerate, so much nicer than any man she had ever been in a relationship with before. All the other men in her life had cheated on her and those relationships ended in disaster.

Falling In Love with "Mr. Wrong" Over and Over Again

She felt this relationship was different. This time, Marla felt that she had met "Mr. Right." Neil was so sensitive to her needs, so attentive to her, not like the other narcissistic men she had been with before who cheated on her. She and Neil also had similar values, and sex between them was very passionate.

Within a couple of months, Neil moved in with her. She said they were both very excited about taking their relationship to the next level. Everything was wonderful at first, according to Marla. They spent all of their free time together and had lots of fun. She had never felt so loved before.

Falling In Love with "Mr. Wrong" Over and Over Again

Then, suddenly, things changed: Neil began spending a lot of time at the office. He said he had critical deadlines that he had to meet. Marla was very understanding at first. But when Neil said he had to start working weekends too, Marla was disappointed because they were hardly spending any time together any more. Even when Neil was home, he was tired, irritable and emotionally distant. He blamed it on his work. Marla missed being close to Neil and the good times they had together.

Falling In Love with "Mr. Wrong" Over and Over Again

One day, Marla tried reaching Neil on his cellphone on a Saturday afternoon when he said he was at work. The call went directly to voicemail, so she tried him at his work number. But he didn't answer that phone either, and that call went to voicemail too. Since the office was not far from their apartment, she decided to go there to surprise him with a picnic basket for lunch. She missed him and she thought it would be a good way for them to spend some time together for an hour or so. But when she got to the office, the security guard told her that no one had gone up to Neil's floor all day. Marla thought there must be some mistake, so the security guard accompanied her to the floor and she saw for herself that the office was locked and lights were out.

Marla walked home slowly, feeling dejected and with a growing sense of unease. She tried Neil a few more times on his cellphone, but her calls continued to go to voicemail. She waited for Neil to come home that night. When he got home, he seemed very preoccupied and emotionally distant. He said he was tired and just wanted to go to sleep.

Marla wasn't sure how to talk to him about the fact that she went to his office and he wasn't there. But she summoned her courage and broached the subject with him. Neil had his back turned towards her at first, but when he heard her words, he whirled around and began shouting at her, "Are you checking up on me!?!"

Marla was very startled by his reaction. She had never seen Neil lose his temper. Before she knew it, she was on the defensive, trying to reassure Neil that she was not checking up on him, that she had only gone to his office to surprise him with a picnic lunch. But he was so angry that he refused to talk or even listen to her. He gathered a few articles of clothing in a hurry and stormed out of the apartment, leaving Marla in tears. He didn't even tell her where he was going or when he would be back.

Marla's head was spinning. She couldn't understand what had just happened. Then, she noticed that Neil had left his cellphone behind. Part of her didn't want to invade Neil's privacy by looking at his phone, but a bigger part of her wanted some answers. So, she looked at the phone and, to her shock and dismay, she found several sexually explicit text messages from another woman and Neil's equally explicit responses to this woman.

Marla felt like she could hardly breathe, but she felt determined now. After she read the text messages, she decided to check his email. She had never known before that his email was password protected. After a few tries, she figured out the password and got into Neil's account. She was heart broken to find dozens of sexually explicit emails to and from several other women, including nude photos of these women and emails making arrangements to meet at hotels during the same times that he had told Marla that he was at work.

All Marla could think at that time was, "Not again. I can't believe this is happening to me again." Every other man that she had ever dated cheated on her. It was the same pattern over and over again. In the past, there were some obvious signs that these other men were "ladies' men." Marla thought she could change each one of them. But it never worked. After several experiences like this, whenever she met a man where there were obvious signs that he cheated, she stayed away. But she thought Neil was different. He had been so kind and attentive to her. She felt like she was in a nightmare and kept hoping she would wake up.

All that night, Marla cried and tossed and turned. She couldn't sleep. She couldn't believe that Neil turned out to be like her other boyfriends. And the worst part was that all of them were just like her father. When she was growing up, she vowed to herself that she would never be like her mother, who passively put up with the father's numerous affairs. But here she was again, back in the same situation.

When Neil came back the next night, Marla felt desperate to talk to him. Even though her rational mind knew that he was cheating on her, she still hoped that he would say something that would make all of this go away. But Neil behaved as if he was the one who was betrayed. He said he could never forgive her for invading his privacy and he was through with her. Once again, Marla found herself on the defensive. She knew that she shouldn't have looked at Neil's text messages and his emails and she acknowledged this to him, but she felt that he also owed her a big explanation about his behavior. Neil refused to talk to her. He just gathered more things and, despite Marla's pleading with him, he left again.

Falling In Love with "Mr. Wrong" Over and Over Again

When Marla came home from work the next day, all of Neil's things were gone. It was obvious that he came during the day while she was out and took all of his belongings. He didn't even leave a note to say good bye. All he left was the apartment key on Marla's dresser. There was no other sign of him in the apartment. It was as if he had never been there. He never returned any of her calls. She waited for him outside his office building, but she never saw him. A couple of weeks later, when she tried to reach him on his cellphone, she got a message that the number was disconnected. And she never heard from him again. When she phoned the friend who had the party where she met Neil, her friend was very sympathetic, but she told Marla that she didn't know Neil well, she had not heard from him since that party, and she didn't know his whereabouts. When Marla called his friends and family, she was shocked that all of them said that they didn't know where he was.

By the time Marla came to therapy to sort everything out, she was at a very low point. She told me that she had gone through bad breakups before, but this was the worst by far. She just couldn't believe this was happening. She also couldn't understand how Neil went from being so kind and loving towards her to cheating on her and freezing her out of his life. She came away feeling that, since she had been in so many relationships where men cheated on her, somehow, it must be her fault. She thought, "Maybe I'm doing something that causes men to cheat on me."

With the help of once-a-week psychotherapy and the emotional support of her friends, Marla began picking up the pieces of her life again. Over time, she realized that she had not done anything to actively cause Neil or the other men to be unfaithful to her. She began to realize that, even though she never wanted to be with a man like her father, unconsciously, she kept choosing the same "Mr. Wrong" who was so much like her father.

It was true that, by the time she met Neil, she had gotten better at not choosing men who were obvious "ladies' men." But her unconsicous mind could still get attracted to a man from across the room who was a not-so-obvious "ladie's man."

This is an interesting phenomenon that occurs to many people with the unconscious mind. It's not only about infidelity. Instead of infidelity, you could also see this same unconscious process happen with regard to alcoholism, domestic violence, people who have problems making a commitment, and so on. It doesn't matter what the particular issue is, the unconscious mind often works in the same way to cause you to feel instantly attracted to "Mr. Wrong" or "Ms. Wrong."

How Does the Unconscious Mind Keep Choosing "Mr. Wrong" or "Ms. Wrong" Over and Over Again?
You might ask, "How could the unconscious mind know, without even talking to someone, that you're choosing the same type of person?" I don't think anyone knows for sure. But I've seen it happen countless times. Somehow, the unconscious mind picks up the nonverbal signals. Some people call it "a vibe." Whatever you call it, it's a common occurrence.

In Marla's case, at that point in her life, if her unconscious mind could talk, it would have said, "There he is! I'm really drawn to him. I must meet him. This time it'll be different. I'll change him." But, more often than not, the person in Marla's shoes doesn't change someone like Neil. What usually happens is that things seem wonderful at first. That heady in love feeling can sometimes cause us to lose our sense of discernment and good judgment. Also, people who engage in infidelity are often good at hiding what they do. Maybe they'll even be faithful for a while but, sooner or later, if they don't get psychological help, they usually go back to their old ways.

It's not that they're "bad people"--they're usually repeating their own old unconscious patterns too. So, the two of you come together in such a way that your unconscious patterns mesh in a dysfunctional way.  It took a while before Marla was able to feel emotionally safe enough to start dating again. We did a lot of family of origin work, and Marla learned to make the emotional connection between 1) her childhood trauma of being with a father who was usually unfaithful and often seemed on the verge of leaving the family for another woman, and 2) the unfaithful men that Marla was choosing as partners who engaged in the same patterns as her father.

Marla also needed to do a fair amount of grief work to work through her childhood trauma related to her father so that she wouldn't continue to repeat this pattern in her adult life.

We also spent a lot of time exploring her pattern of falling in love with "Mr. Wrong." It was a gradual process. She learned to take her time to get to know new men in her life. In addition to seeing the problem signs with new people, she also learned to recognize her own internal cues, especially if she felt that someone was immediately very compelling to her when she first met him. At first, she was afraid that she would be relegated to having only "dull" relationships because the heady feeling was missing. But, gradually, she learned not to go for the big, immediate emotional "rush." She learned to get to know men over time and not to get into a committed relationship before she knew a man well.

When she finally met a new man that she really liked, she was a little disappointed at first that she was not "head over heels" immediately. She missed that feeling. But she also knew that the immediate "head over heels" feeling had gotten her into trouble every single time. As she got to know this new man, Steven, her feelings for him deepened over time. By the time, they decided to move in together a year later, she experienced a deep, mature love that she had never felt before. She also felt confident that Steven was someone that she could trust and, over time, this turned out to be true.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you find yourself continually choosing partners who are not right for you and you don't understand why this continues to happen over and over again, you could benefit from working with a licensed psychotherapist who has experience in this area.

It is possible to make healthier relationship choices for yourself if you are committed to doing the work in psychotherapy.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, AEDP, EMDR,  Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.