How Do You Handle Blame? Are You an Internalizer or an Externalizer?

How you handle blame can tell a lot about yourself. It can also have a big impact on your personal and work-related relationships (see my article: Relationship Skills: Why is Self Awareness Important to You and Your Partner?).

How Do You Handle Blame?

The following descriptions are the most common dynamics when it comes to handling blame:

• Externalizers: People who are externalizers usually blame someone or something else when it comes to blame. They rarely, if ever, accept responsibility when things go wrong, even when it's objectively clear that the problem was their fault (see my article: Having the Courage to Admit You Made a Mistake).

How Do You Handle Blame?

• Extreme Externalizers: People who are extreme externalizers have a very difficult time taking responsibility for their own mistakes. They often lack a self reflective capacity, which means they not only fail to look at their own contributions to their problems, but they also don't learn from their mistakes. This means they continue to make the same mistakes over and over again. People who are extreme externalizers are often personality disordered (see my article: The Dark Triad Personality: Narcissism, Psychopathy and Machiavellianism).

How Do You Handle Blame?

• Internalizers: People who are internalizers often take on all or most of the blame when things go wrong--even when it's obvious they weren't at fault. 

• Inconsistent Internalizers: People who are inconsistent internalizers often take on too much of the blame in situations, but they can also do a 180 degree turn and externalize all the blame on someone else.  Inconsistent internalizers were often emotionally neglected as children.  Whichever side they're on, they often see situations as being black-and-white with no grey (see my article: Overcoming All or Nothing Thinking).

• Balanced: People who are balanced see their own realistic contributions to problems at the same time they take into account other people's contributions as well as other contributing factors.

How Your Family Handled Blame

Children internalize family dynamics unconsciously.  This includes how families handled blame.

The following vignettes, which are composites, are examples of how families often handle blame and the consequences of their dynamic:

• An Example of an Externalizer: Joey's Family: Joey tended to get into trouble at school for fighting and cutting classes when he was in high school. Whenever Joey's parents were called in to meet with the dean, they were very defensive.  When the dean told them about the problems, both parents blamed Joey's friends for being "bad influences." They never asked Joey to take responsibility and, as parents, they never took responsibility.  So, when Joey became an adult, he became an externalizer.

• An Example of an Internalizer: Alice's Family: When Alice was growing up, she was often scapegoated by her parents and older siblings. Whenever anything went wrong at home, they blamed her.  When they were court-mandated to attend family therapy after Alice's older brother was arrested for stealing a car, they told the family therapist that Alice was the cause of all the family's problems. But when they were asked to explain this, they got defensive (see my article: The Role of the Scapegoat in Dysfunctional Families).

• An Example of a Balanced View: Nina's Family: Nina's parents taught her the importance of self reflection so that whenever she had a problem, she reflected on what she could have done better.  They also taught her how to look at problems within the context in which they occurred so she could take a balanced perspective of situations when they went wrong. This helped her in all her relationships as a child and as an adult.

Practice Compassion For Yourself and Others

Dynamics which are internalized at a young age are often difficult to overcome.

If you tend to blame yourself, even when it's objectively clear that you weren't at fault, you could benefit from learning self compassion (see my article:  Psychotherapy and Self Compassion).

Practice Compassion For Yourself and Others

If you tend to blame others, when a situation goes wrong, take a moment to pause and assess the situation when you're calm.  

If you're blaming others and not taking responsibility for your own mistakes, you're being unfair to others and you're depriving yourself of a potential learning experience.  

If you can stop being defensive and allow yourself to be open, you can gain a new, more balanced perspective when things go wrong. 

Getting Help in Therapy

Problems with internalizing and externalizing usually have their roots in early childhood.

Both internalizing and externalizing can create problems in personal and work-related relationships. 

Problems in relationships often bring people to therapy.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you, if you're open to being helped, to take a more balanced approach when things go wrong.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Freeing Yourself From Family Expectations and Beliefs That Are Harmful to You

Many families have longstanding beliefs and expectations that are passed on from one generation to the next.  When they work well, these dynamics can create a nurturing family bond and a sense of well-being.  But some beliefs and expectations can be detrimental to your well-being.  They can also be the unconscious source of your unhappiness (see my article: How Your Unconscious Beliefs Affect Your Sense of Reality).

 

Freeing Yourself From Family Expectations That Are Harmful to You

Often, there is a perception that some of these expectations might have worked well for earlier generations, and it is usually assumed, especially by older family members, that the younger generation will continue to maintain them.

Even when these family expectations haven't worked well, it's often not addressed for fear of upsetting the family "apple cart."

Under those circumstances, it becomes part of the "family myth" that the expectations and beliefs are healthy and everyone is satisfied with them (even when they're not, but they're too afraid to say it).

Examples of possible beliefs and expectations that become part of the family legacy and that are unhealthy are:

• Family members should never talk about family matters outside of the family.
• Family members always take care of older family members (this is usually an expectation of the daughters in the family).
• Family members never move far away geographically from their parents and grandparents.
• Family members shouldn't succeed beyond their parents' success.
• Family members should never change their religion or faith of origin
• Family members should never question longstanding family beliefs and expectations.
• Children, even adult children, should know that their parents know what's best and they should never go against their parents' beliefs.

And so on.

The reason why not going along with these expectations can be so challenging is that family members, who are invested in maintaining them, often don't understand why certain individuals balk at them.  They feel threatened and feel the well-being of the family is threatened by individuals who refuse to perpetuate these dynamics or who even question them.

An even more challenging problem is that individuals who feel burdened by these expectations are often unaware that these dynamics are making them unhappy.  Often, they come into therapy with a sense that they are under a lot of "stress," but they don't understand why they're under stress.

On their own, they're unable to pinpoint the source of what's making them unhappy.  This is where therapy with a therapist who works experientially can be helpful (see my article:  Experiential Therapy Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).  Experiential therapy helps clients in therapy to have a "felt sense" of the underlying issues and helps to achieve psychological breakthroughs.

Let's take a look at a fictional vignette, which is common for many people who come to therapy, and illustrates these points:  

Mary
Mary, who was in her 50s, came to therapy because she was under a lot of "stress" as mother's primary caregiver.

Mary wasn't sleeping well, so she asked her therapist to help her to manage her stress.

Freeing Yourself From Family Expectations That Are Harmful to You

As she described a typical day, Mary told her therapist about how she gets up early in the morning to dress and feed her mother while they waited for the mother's home attendant to come.

She talked about how she checked in with her mother by phone several times a day and listened to her mother complain about the home attendant.  This was the fourth home attendant that they had in six months, and Mary feared that the agency wouldn't send anyone else because her mother kept finding faults with all of them.

Mary sensed that her mother was angry with her for leaving her with a home attendant, but neither she nor her husband could afford to quit their jobs to stay home with Mary's mother.

When she got home, her mother often barely spoke to her.  Mary would try to engage her mother in conversation to cheer her up, but her mother ignored her and watched TV instead.  This was frustrating and hurtful for Mary.

During those days when she knew her mother was annoyed and not talking to her, she would make her mother's favorite meals, but her mother would complain about the food and refuse to eat.

Getting her mother ready for bed was frustrating, especially if her mother was in a bad mood.

By the next morning, Mary was exhausted. She was often late for work and when she got there, she could barely hold her eyes open at work.  She worried that she might eventually lose her job if she didn't start getting to work on time and she wasn't more alert at work.

Her husband, who was usually a patient man, was also annoyed because he felt that Mary's mother was  taking advantage of Mary.   He was also sleep deprived.

He asked Mary to talk to her brothers about sharing the responsibility of taking care of the mother, so they could get a break.  They hadn't had a vacation since Mary's mother moved in with them four years ago.

Although she sympathized with her husband, Mary felt, for some reason she didn't understand, that she couldn't ask her brothers to help out.  So, she often felt caught between her mother and her husband, which added to her "stress" (see my article: Feeling Caught Between Your Spouse and Your Mother).

Her mother's doctor told Mary that the mother's medical condition was progressive and the time would soon come when she wouldn't be able to manage her mother's care at home.  He told her that she should start looking into skilled nursing facilities for her mother and see an elder care attorney to advise her about finances.

But Mary wouldn't even consider putting her mother in a nursing home.  She knew that her mother's medical problems would become worse and that her mother might need skilled medical interventions that neither she nor a home attendant could provide.  But she thought that they would find a way to deal with it (although she didn't know how).

Her husband understood that Mary didn't want to place her mother in a nursing home but, based on what the mother's doctor said, it seemed like there wouldn't be a choice.  He tried to reason with Mary about it, but just thinking about this gave Mary a headache and she refused to talk about it.

After they had established a good therapeutic relationship, Mary's therapist tried to explore with Mary what all of this meant to her, but Mary didn't know.  She just knew that the "stress" was becoming unbearable and she needed "tools" for dealing with it.

Although it was clear that Mary was under a lot of stress, it was also clear to her therapist that there was a lot more going on for Mary than she realized.

Since Mary was unable to consciously identify how it made her feel when the therapist asked her about it, the therapist tried a different approach to try to discover the unconscious meaning for Mary.

She used a technique that is often used in clinical hypnosis as well as in other types of experiential therapy called the Affect Bridge (see my article:  What is the Affect Bridge?).

Her therapist asked Mary to close her eyes, focus on her emotions and notice where she felt them in her body when she thought about the possibility of having to place her mother in a skilled nursing facility.

Using the Affect Bridge in Therapy

Her therapist was careful to say that this wasn't a practice run for actually doing this--Mary was just using her imagination to discover what was going on unconsciously that she wasn't aware of consciously.

By this time, Mary had been coming to therapy for a while, and she felt safe with her therapist (see my article:  The Creation of the Holding Environment in Therapy).

Mary allowed herself to notice her emotions, which she identified as sadness, fear and guilt.  She felt these emotions acutely around her eyes, her throat, her chest and her upper stomach.

Then, Mary's therapist asked her to focus on these emotions and go back to her earliest memory of feeling this way.

In a relaxed state, Mary allowed her mind to float back.

Then, a memory that Mary had not thought about for many years popped into her mind:  She was a young girl of about 10 and she was sitting with her mother and maternal grandmother.  By that time, Mary's grandmother was in her 90s and she was in poor health.  She lived with Mary and her family. Mary's mother, who stayed home while the father worked, was the grandmother's primary caregiver.

Mary remembered that her grandmother being in bed with her eyes closed.  Mary knew that her grandmother, who had been very sick for a long time and in a lot of pain, refused to get medical help.  She only wanted to stay at home with the family.

At one point, her grandmother opened her eyes and told Mary, "When you grow up, you'll be the one who takes care of your mother when she's older.  We're not one of those families who throw their older relatives into a nursing home.  Don't ever forget:  It will be your duty as a daughter.  Promise me that you'll never forget."

Mary remembered that she was so stunned by her grandmother's words that she was speechless.  She didn't know what to say.  She saw how exhausted her mother was from taking care of her grandmother, but she took care of her without complaining and without asking other family members for help.  It was understood that as the oldest daughter, she was expected to assume this duty.

Even though her grandmother was fragile and weak, when Mary didn't respond immediately, she opened her eyes wide, peered at Mary and said forcefully, "Promise me!"

Without thinking, Mary promised.  A few weeks later, her grandmother died and the family was plunged into grief.

During the funeral, relatives came to pay their respect to Mary's mother, and they told her what a "wonderful daughter" she had been to take care of her mother and how "strong" she was to never ask anyone, not even her brothers, for help.  They respected her for this and this made Mary's mother beam with pride.

Then, her mother turned to Mary and told her, "When the time comes, you'll take care of me just like I'm taking care of you now.  When I get older, don't ever put me in a nursing home--no matter what.  Promise me."  Mary swallowed hard and promised.

At the time, Mary felt the emotional burden of her mother's words--sadness, fear as well and guilt--because she felt trapped by this promise.

Afterwards, as Mary talked with her therapist about the memories that came up during the Affect Bridge, she was surprised because she had not thought of these memories in many years.

Her therapist asked her to complete this sentence by saying the first thing that came to her mind, "If I don't take care of my mother at home, then…"

Without thinking, Mary immediately said, "If I don't take care of my mother at home, then I'll be going back on my promise and I'll be a bad daughter."

This was the first time that Mary had become aware of what it would mean to her if she couldn't take care of her mother and just how powerful these feelings were.

Although she felt upset, she was also relieved to be able to get to the underlying feelings.  Even though she wasn't happy about it, it suddenly made sense to her.

Discovering the underlying feelings allowed Mary and her therapist to explore these deeply rooted beliefs and expectations in her family--going back generations--and how Mary had internalized them.

As they continued to work on this issue, Mary realized that not only would she feel like a "bad daughter," she would also feel like a "bad person," and everyone would know that she was a "bad person."  This made her feel deeply ashamed.

As time went on, Mary remembered more about her mother's reactions to taking care of Mary's grandmother.  She remembered times when her mother looked angry and resentful, even though she never expressed it.  It seemed to Mary that her mother might not have even realized how she felt because she probably didn't even allow herself to know it--let alone tell anyone else.

As an adult, Mary now realized that her mother was too afraid back then to even talk to the grandmother about getting medical care.

Then, Mary wondered if her grandmother might have lived longer if her mother had, at least, had the conversation with the grandmother about it.  But, instead, her mother and grandmother adhered to these rigid family "rules" and expectations ("The mother knows best" and "Don't question your mother"). This stifled any real communication between them and contributed to the grandmother's demise.

At that point, it suddenly became very clear to Mary: She was headed down the same path as her mother because she felt compelled to keep a promise that she made as a child that she would soon no longer be able to keep.

That realization brought Mary emotional pain on many levels:  She knew she would have to struggle with her feelings of being a bad daughter and a bad person.  She also knew how much she dreaded disappointing her mother.

But she also knew that she had to be responsible and, when the time came that she could no longer manage her mother at home, she couldn't just allow her mother to die at home when she could get medical help at a skilled nursing facility.

This is a very difficult decision that many adult children have to face, but it's especially difficult when there are unhealthy family expectations and beliefs that adult children have internalized from a young age.

Over time, Mary dealt with the younger aspect of herself (also known as the "inner child") in therapy that feared her mother's reaction.

Rather than coming from the perspective of the young child, she assumed the perspective of the adult.  She also worked in therapy to soothe her inner child.

Gradually, she got more information from her mother's doctor and explored various skilled nursing home facilities.

She also spoke to her brothers about taking their mother in for a couple of weeks each month to give Mary and her husband a respite.

At first, the brothers were surprised that Mary was asking for help.  They saw her as their older sister who seemed invincible to them since they were children.  But they also understood that she and her husband needed a break, so they began to help out.

A year later, Mary's mother's health took a turn for the worse and she needed the kind of medical help that she could only get from a skilled nursing facility.  At that point, even her mother realized that she could not stay at home any longer.

By that time, Mary and her mother had visited various nursing homes, and they had already chosen a facility close to home that had a very good reputation.  She had already had a consultation with an elder care attorney and had arranged the mother's finances so that she could go to the facility.  In addition, she made the necessary legal arrangements so that she could make decisions on her mother's behalf.

Over time, Mary developed increased confidence that, from an objective adult perspective, she was doing what was best for her mother.

Freeing Yourself From Unhealthy Family Expectations That Are Harmful to You

Although she felt sad about the worsening of her mother's health, she no longer felt driven by the unconscious emotions that were part of her family legacy and that she had internalized as a young girl.  This helped her to make the decisions that she had to make with clarity.

Her mother also got the medical help that she needed at the skilled nursing facility and made friends among the other patients.

Conclusion
The fictionalized vignette described above is a common experience for many people.

This scenario demonstrates how family expectations become part of the family legacy from one generation to the next and how individual family members internalize these expectations without even realizing it.

Working in therapy with a therapist who does experiential therapy, like clinical hypnosis, EMDR or Somatic Experiencing, can allow clients to discover the unconscious beliefs and expectations.  It can also lead to emotional breakthroughs.

Although it might not be easy, once you've discovered these underlying emotions, you can free yourself from a burdensome history.

Getting Help in Therapy
As I mentioned before, a common family belief is that family members shouldn't talk about family matters to anyone outside the family (see my article: Why Is It That It's Usually the Healthiest Person in a Dysfunctional Family That Seeks Help in Therapy?).

The belief that people shouldn't speak about family matters outside the family has hindered many people from getting the help that they need.

If you feel overwhelmed by family expectations and beliefs, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who has experience in this area.

Freeing yourself from unhealthy aspects of your history can free you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples.

I have helped many clients to discover and free themselves from the unhealthy aspects of their histories.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Working in Therapy to Accept Your Emotional Needs

Many people feel ashamed of their emotional needs because they grew up in families where they were made to feel ashamed for even having emotional needs (see my article: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?)  One of the goals in therapy for many clients is to learn to recognize and accept their emotional needs (see my article: Allowing Yourself to Feel Your Feelings).

Working in Therapy to Accept Your Emotional Needs 

Having emotional needs is a natural part of being human.  But for people who learned to feel ashamed of their needs, having emotional needs is perceived as a weakness.

Many people, who were traumatized as children, are no longer even aware of their emotional needs because they have become numb to them.

What is Emotional Numbing?
Emotional numbing is a defense against the intolerable shame and pain of having unmet emotional needs, especially emotional needs that stem from unmet childhood needs.

Emotional numbing not only cuts off feelings related to emotional needs, it also cuts off feelings of love, happiness and joy.  People who are especially cut off from their feelings have little awareness of their feelings and often have a hard time discerning other people's feelings.

Fictionalized Scenario:

Let's take a look at a fictionalized vignette to understand this phenomenon and how therapy can help.

Cora
Cora came to therapy because she was aware that she felt no joy in life.  In fact, she felt very little of anything.  Life just seemed flat to her.

Working in Therapy to Accept Your Emotional Needs

It didn't matter that she had good friends, she was successful and well liked at work or that there were always men who were interested in her.  She took no pleasure in any of this.

She grew up in a home where she was taught to always put other people's needs before her own.  Her father, who was a minister, spent most of his time involved with church activities.  Her mother was involved in the same church activities, and Cora was expected to spend most of her spare time helping out in the church.

As far back as she could remember, her parents discouraged her from thinking about herself.  Whenever Cora wanted a doll or a toy, her parents scolded her for being selfish and not thinking about the many children around the world who didn't even have food to eat.

They told her, "How could you think of something so silly as having a doll when so many children are suffering?  Don't be so selfish."

As a child, whenever Cora wanted something for herself, she felt so guilty that she kept it to herself.  Even when she felt lonely and wished her parents would spend more time with her, she felt she was being selfish.

She felt that her parents' work in the church was more important than she was, and she shouldn't complain.  After a while, she learned not to feel these needs at all.

Throughout high school and college, Cora volunteered for many projects to help those who were less fortunate.  Although she won prizes for her work, she felt no joy in it.  All she felt was lonely.

Cora learned to look and act the part in her career, which brought her financial success, but she felt no inner satisfaction in her work and no sense of accomplishment.  She felt she was just continuing to do what she was supposed to do, just as she had when she was a child.  All the while, Cora felt she was an impostor (see my article: Overcoming Impostor Syndrome).

Cora learned to pretend to be happy.  It was a facade that she put on because she thought that that's what she was supposed to do, but she didn't feel it (see my article: How to Stop Pretending to Feel Happy When You Don't).

Then, Cora began dating John.  She was aware that he really liked her and she knew he was a good person but, beyond that, she was unsure what she felt. This made her uneasy.  Even sex felt flat to her and she pretended to enjoy it more than she did, so she felt like a phony.  This brought her into therapy.

Working in Therapy to Accept Your Emotional Needs

When her therapist spoke to Cora about the importance of self care, Cora was unclear what this meant.  She knew about eating healthy food and getting exercise, but she didn't know what self care meant beyond that.

Even though Cora could well afford to get a massage or do other similar things to take care of herself, she told her therapist that she would feel guilty doing these things because she was aware that there were so many people in the world who didn't have their basic needs met, so how could she pamper herself?  This felt selfish to her (see my article: Is Self Care Selfish?).

Her therapist helped Cora to begin to identify her emotions by getting Cora to develop a felt sense in her body and where she felt these emotions in her body (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window into the Unconscious Mind).

So, for instance, Cora came to realize that when she felt angry, she felt tense in her hands and in her shoulders.  And when she felt anxious, she felt tense in her stomach.

Cora also realized in therapy that she felt it was perfectly okay for others to do things that made them feel good, like getting a massage or indulging in other types of self care.  So, she began to question why she felt that it was selfish for her.

Gradually, over time, Cora saw that she had learned from a young age to numb her feelings so that she was no longer aware of what she felt.

Her therapist helped Cora to see that this was a protective defense mechanism that she developed as a child because it would have been too painful to continue to feel her unmet emotional needs, but that it was no longer useful for her.  In fact, this defense was now getting in the way.

As she mourned for what she didn't get as a child, she developed a greater capacity to feel her emotions without feeling guilty for having emotional needs.

Over time, Cora opened up to experiencing her genuine feelings.  She was no longer pretending to feel happy--she actually felt joy and happiness.

Working in Therapy to Accept Your Emotional Needs

In her relationship, she opened up to the emotional intimacy of the relationship. She realized that she was falling in love with this man, and she felt pleasure that she had never felt before when they had sex.

Overall, Cora felt that she was coming alive in a way that she never knew was possible.

Conclusion
Emotional numbing often occurs at an early age as a defense against unmet childhood emotional needs.

What starts out a protective defense mechanism against intolerable feelings becomes a major obstacle later on in life.

Emotional numbing tends to numb all feelings--not just the ones that are difficult.  It often affects all relationships and can make life feel flat.

Psychotherapy with a psychotherapist who is trained to assist clients to overcome emotional numbing can make the difference between going through life feeling little or nothing and leading a vibrant and fulfilling life.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you are aware that you have difficulty either feeling your emotions or allowing yourself to feel good, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who specializes in helping clients to identify and accept their emotional needs.

Rather than going through life feeling numb, you can learn to acknowledge and accept your emotional needs and live a fuller and happier life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome trauma and emotional numbing so that they could feel alive and happier in their lives.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Learning to Communicate Effectively With Your Therapist

In a prior article, I discussed how there are often ruptures and repairs in therapy between clients and their therapist (see my article: Ruptures and Repairs in Therapy).  As I mentioned in that article, what is most important is that the client and the therapist take time in person to clear up any misunderstandings, miscommunication or an empathic failure on the therapist's part.  In this article, I'm addressing a related topic:  Learning to Communicate Effectively With Your Therapist.

Learning to Communicate Effectively With Your Therapist

Learning to communicate effectively in therapy can be challenging for clients who have problems communicating in their daily lives.

Although it's wonderful to have the ease and comfort of email in daily life, sending email when you're upset or angry can also create problems because there's a lot of room for misunderstandings with email.

I've heard so many stories from clients where they're communicating about important issues with their significant other via text and email, including long drawn out arguments and even breakups.  In many cases, they found out that there were misunderstandings that could have been avoided if they had communicated in person or, at least, over the phone.

This is one of the reasons why I encourage clients to talk about anything that is concerning them about our sessions in person or, if it can't wait until the next session, to call, rather than communicate via email or text.  It's easier to sort out problems in person than going back and forth by email.  Also, email is not necessarily confidential.

Learning to Communicate Effectively With Your Therapist

Clients who are uncomfortable talking about their concerns in person with their therapist often had similar problems in their family of origin.  Often, direct communication was either discouraged or even punished, so they never learned how to communicate their feelings effectively because they feared that there would be negative repercussions.

Although it might feel "safer" in a sense to communicate indirectly with email or text, you're missing an opportunity, even though you might be afraid, to express your feelings, to be heard and to work through whatever issue you might have.  If you weren't able to do this when you were growing up, it can be tremendously healing experience.

If you're concerned about something that came up in therapy, it's best to talk to your therapist when it happens rather than allowing your feelings to fester.  It also gives you and your therapist a chance to not only clear up whatever is bothering you but to also see how it might relate to your earlier history in your family.

Tips For Communicating Effectively With Your Therapist:

• Take responsibility for your therapy.  Although your therapist has clinical expertise, training and skills, only you know for sure what's going on in your mind.  Don't assume that she knows that there's something bothering you because she might not know.  It's up to you to bring it up--even though it might feel uncomfortable.
• Plan what you want to say by thinking about it first.  It's often helpful to write down for yourself (as opposed to being reactive and sending out an email or text) what you want to say and, if you have time, sleep on it to see if you feel the same way the next day.   This helps you to clarify for yourself what's bothering you rather than being reactive and sending out an email in anger or upset.  It also helps to prepare you to communicate in a clear way if you're anxious about bringing up your concerns.
• Bring up your concerns at the beginning of the next session so that you and your therapist will have time to talk about it.  This is a lot more effective than waiting for the end of the session or making a "door knob comment," which is a comment that clients make as they're on their way out of the therapist's office.
• Try to stay calm while you're telling your therapist what concerns you.  You might feel angry or upset, but if you can remain calm, you're more likely to express yourself clearly so that your therapist can understand what's bothering you.
• Be open to hearing feedback.  You might feel sure that you're "right" about whatever the problem is, but if you're open and flexible, you might realize that there was a misunderstanding or miscommunication.
• Recognize that therapists are human and they make mistakes.  Most therapists will acknowledge their mistakes and try to repair the situation.  If your therapy has been going well until now, give your therapist a chance to repair things between you in person--rather than leaving therapy prematurely (see my article: When Clients Leave Therapy Prematurely).

Very often, once misunderstandings are cleared up, the therapeutic relationship improves because you and your therapist got through a difficult patch where you felt uncomfortable.  Not only will you feel better for having expressed yourself in an effective way, but your therapist will understand you better.

Learning to Communicate Effectively With Your Therapist

Even if you do end up leaving because you and your therapist turn out not to be a good fit, you'll feel better about yourself for having expressed yourself directly, calmly and maturely.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you've been unable to resolve your problems on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed psychotherapist who can help you to work through your problems.

It takes time to build a rapport with a psychotherapist and, along the way, there might be times when there are ruptures and a need for repair.  Even though this might feel scary and hard, it's worth the effort to communicate your feelings to your therapist and to do it calmly in person.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and adults.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Feeling Caught Between Your Spouse and Your Mother

In an ideal world, spouses and in-laws would get along and no one would feel caught between a spouse and their parents.  Unfortunately, we don't live in an ideal world and it's not unusual for there to be tension between spouses and in laws.

Caught Between Your Spouse and Your Mother

There are any number of reasons why spouses and in laws don't get along, and it would be impossible to address them all in one article, so I'll present a common scenario which is a fictionalized case based on many different cases.

Mary and Bill
As an only child, Bill was raised by a single mother who struggled to provide for them after Bill's father abandoned them without a penny.

Bill and his mother were very close.  He grew up being aware of how much his mother sacrificed for him and felt guilty that he couldn't do more when he was a child.

By the time he was a teenager, Bill worked a part time job after school and on weekends to help his mother out financially.  Even though he did as much as he could to help, he felt like he couldn't ever do enough for his mother.

By the time he was ready to go to college, his mother had already established herself in her own business and she was dong well, but Bill felt guilty for her earlier struggles and continued to feel indebted to his mother.

Bill met Mary as they both entered into their senior year of college.  Soon they were spending most of their free time together.  After a few months, they knew they were in love and only wanted to date each other.

Caught Between Your Spouse and Your Mother

When Bill brought Mary home to meet his mother and his extended family during his last year of college, everyone went out of their way to make Mary feel welcomed--except for Bill's mother.

Caught Between Your Spouse and Your Mother

Bill's mother was usually a friendly and gregarious person, but when she met Mary, she was inexplicably cold and distant, even though Mary tried her best to develop a rapport with Bill's mother.

Afterwards, Mary spoke to Bill and told him that she thought his mother didn't like him.  Bill seemed very pained and hesitant at first, but he eventually acknowledged that he was surprised by his mother's unfriendly behavior.  They both hoped that things would improve.

When Mary introduced Bill to her family, they all welcomed him warmly.  Throughout Mary and Bill's courtship, they invited him to family functions and they were very pleased when they got engaged.

When Bill's mother continued to be standoffish with Mary, Mary asked Bill to speak to his mother to find out why she seemed to dislike Mary.  But Bill kept telling Mary that he was sure that after they got married, his mother would change.

During Mary and Bill's wedding reception, Mary was hurt and surprised to overhear Bill's mother telling Bill's great aunt that he was the best son that a mother could ever want to have, and she lamented about "losing" him to "another woman."

Hearing her words, Mary realized that Bill's mother felt competitive with her and that things were unlikely to change unless she and Bill tried to find a way to resolve this problem.

Mary tried to be patient.  She endured Bill's mother's standoff behavior without getting competitive herself.  She knew that Bill cared very much for his mother and that he felt guilty for his mother's early struggles when he was a child.  But she also felt disrespected by his mother, so she told Bill that they had to figure out what to do because this situation had been going on for too long.

Mary could see how Bill seemed to revert to being a small child again whenever she brought this topic up to discuss.  She asked him to speak to his mother, and he looked down and told her, "I can't."

Caught Between Your Spouse and Your Mother

When Mary suggested that Bill needed to get help in therapy to deal with the overwhelming guilt that he felt towards his mother, at first, Bill felt resentful.  He didn't want to go to therapy.

But, as he thought about it more and more, he realized that Mary was right.  But he still felt confused.  On the one hand, he knew that Mary had been very patient and he didn't want her to be hurt by his mother any more.  On the other hand, he felt like his mother had gone through so much that he felt too guilty to make any demands of her.

After thinking about it for a few weeks, Bill made an appointment to see a psychotherapist to discuss this situation.

During his therapy, he dealt with his sadness and guilt for his mother as well as the childhood sadness that he never allowed himself to feel when his father left.

Over time, he realized that whenever he was around his mother, he still felt like a child who was too afraid to alienate his mother because he feared that she might leave too.

His therapist helped Bill to gradually overcome his childhood trauma, so that he could have a talk with his mother as an adult.

Caught Between Your Spouse and Your Mother

When he approached his mother about the topic, he was surprised that she was receptive to talking about it.  She told him that after his father left the household, she dreaded the day when Bill would also leave and she would be alone.

His mother told him that she had nothing personally against Mary, and she could see that Mary made Bill happy.  She admitted that she would probably be standoffish with any woman that he chose, but she realized that this was hurtful to both Mary and Bill, and she knew that she needed to change.

Bill felt relieved that their talk went much better than he anticipated.

Shortly after that, Bill's mother asked Mary to have lunch with her (just the two of them).  She apologized to Mary and, much to Mary's relief, she told Mary that she hoped they could get along better.

By the next holiday, Bill and Mary noticed how his mother was making an effort to be warmer and friendlier with Mary.

Caught Between Your Spouse and Your Mother

A few months later, Bill's mother went out on a date with a man who had been asking her out for a while. In the past, although she liked this man, she never wanted to go out with him.  But after she and Bill talked, she realized that if she felt lonely, she needed to do something about it rather than trying to hold onto Bill.

A year later, Bill's mother got engaged to this man and she was much happier than she had been in years.  She also kept her promise to Bill about treating Mary well.

During his therapy sessions, Bill admitted that although he was happy that his mother was happily engaged to her boyfriend and that she was treating his wife better, he also felt a twinge of sadness that he was no longer the center of his mother's attention.

At that point, he realized that he had been unaware of his own unconscious need to be the most important person in his mother's life, and how this might have played a role in his reluctance to talk to his mother before he did.

Getting Help in Therapy
As I mentioned earlier, there are many reasons why spouses and in laws don't get along and why adult children often feel caught in the middle.

As in the fictionalized scenario above, at times, people are aware of some of the underlying emotions that are getting in the way of dealing with this type of situation with a parent, like the guilt that Bill felt.

There can also be unconscious feelings that usually don't come to the surface when you're not in therapy.

Although the scenario presented in this article involved a mother and son, this problem often exists between either a daughter or son and a mother or father.

If you're struggling with a situation where you feel caught between your spouse and one or both of your parents, you could benefit from working with a mental health professional who can be objective and who has the clinical expertise to help you to deal with the underlying issues and resolve the problem.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Emotional Support From Your Family of Choice

Having the love and emotional support of family and friends is an important part of life for most people.  It can make all the difference between getting through difficult times with equanimity vs feeling isolated and overwhelmed.  We can't choose our family of origin.  Who are parents and siblings are turn out to be the luck of the draw.  But we can choose our family of choice.

What is a Family of Choice as Compared to a Family of Origin?
A family of origin includes anyone who is a blood relation:  Mothers, fathers, siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents and so on.

Emotional Support From Your Family of  Choice

A family of choice is anyone you choose to have close to you in your life:  Your spouse, romantic partner, friends, pets, and so on.

Getting Emotional Support From Your Family of Choice
Ideally, your family of origin would love you and be there for you in good times and bad.  But not everyone can depend on their family of origin for a variety of reasons.

That's why it's so important to have a family of choice that includes people whom you care about and who care about you and who would be there for you through thick and thin.

The following vignette, which is a composite of many cases, demonstrates the importance of a family of choice:

Gail
Gail grew up in a family where both of her parents actively abused alcohol.  As the oldest of four children, she often had to cook, clean and take care of the younger children in the family.

Throughout her years in school, Gail naturally gravitated to kind teachers and mentors who provided her with guidance and emotional support.  They liked her and saw something special in her.

Gail also developed friendships throughout high school and college that she maintained throughout her life.  These were the people that she turned to during good times and bad.  Her friends celebrated her successes with her.  They also supported her through difficult times.

When Gail went to college, her mother stopped drinking because her doctor warned her that there would serious medical consequences if she didn't stop.  Gail's father wasn't able to stop completely, but he cut back.

Gail knew that there is often a genetic predisposition for alcohol to be passed on from one generation to the next, so she decided not to drink.  She also hoped that her siblings wouldn't grow up to abuse alcohol like their parents did.  But one after the other developed either an alcohol or a drug problem.  They were old enough to make their own decisions, and they wouldn't listen to Gail.

Whenever she went home to visit her family, she knew that there would be some alcohol-fueled argument that would erupt between her siblings.  To ease the pain of these visits, she would plan to see friends that she felt close to and who would be there for her.

In her last year of college, Gail met her future husband, Don.  Prior to marrying Don, Gail dated many different men.  But she knew, given her experiences with her family, she wanted someone who was kind and dependable.  And when she met Don, she knew he was the one.

As a married couple, Gail and Don created their own holiday traditions where they included their friends and mentors.  Gail still loved her family of origin, but she knew that she couldn't rely on them emotionally or in any other way.

As the years went by, Gail's gratitude for her family of choice deepened.

Developing a Family of Choice
It's not always easy allowing yourself to trust people when you've experienced a lot of disappointments with your family of origin.   But if you open up and you allow yourself to take the emotional risk, you could develop a family of choice that can make life much more fulfilling.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you would like to have people that you' feel close to, but you have difficulty forming relationships, you could benefit from working with a licensed psychotherapist who has helped therapy clients with this issue.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many therapy clients to overcome the obstacles that got in their way to forming close relationships with others.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Avoiding the Problems in Your Relationship?

Are you facing or avoiding the problems in your relationship?  Many couples avoid dealing with their problems for years, especially if it has to do with emotional and sexual intimacy.

Whether people face and deal with the problems in their relationship or try to avoid them is often affected by how they were raised to either deal or not deal with conflict.  For people raised in families where the attitude is that it's better "not to rock the boat," they're more likely to avoid acknowledging and dealing with problems.

Are You Facing or Avoiding Problems in Your Relationship?

Of course, just because you try to avoid dealing with problems in your relationship doesn't mean they just go away.  They often get worse.

The following vignette, which is a composite of many different cases with no identifying information revealed, is an example where, initially, a couple avoids dealing with their problems and, eventually, gets help:

Jack and Mary
Jack and Mary were married for over 25 years.  Their children were already grown and out of the home.  When they first met, they were very much in love and had a passionate sexual relationship.  But over the years, they spent less and less time with each other and they were no longer having sex.

Are You Avoiding the Problems in Your Relationship?

Both Jack and Mary were raised in families where people didn't talk about their feelings, so neither of them learned to talk about uncomfortable feelings.  When Jack was growing up, he knew that his father was deeply unhappy with the mother's drinking, but his father never said anything about it.  Even though his parents never fought, there was a lot of tension in the household.  Jack also learned not to complain.  He kept his feelings to himself.

When Mary was growing up, her mother always stressed that Mary needed to "put on a happy face," no matter what she was feeling.  This is what Mary's mother did, but at night, Mary heard her crying.

When a new colleague began flirting with Jack at work, although he was flattered, he had no intention of accepting her invitation for a drink.  But when he realized that, for the first time in years, he felt sexually attractive and desirable again, he knew there was a serious problem in his marriage.

Jack wanted to talk to Mary about their marriage and what he felt was missing--emotional and sexual intimacy.  But he felt very uncomfortable.  They were spending little time together.  Mary spent most of the weekend involved with volunteer activities and Jack would spend time in the den alone doing work.  At night, they went to bed at different times.  

Sometimes, Jack wanted to initiate sex, but he felt uncomfortable doing it.  He couldn't even remember when they last had sex.Each time that Jack said to himself that he would talk to Mary, he would have trouble even knowing how to even begin.  So, time passed, and he felt increasingly frustrated, unhappy with their marriage, and annoyed with himself.

Then, one day at an office Christmas party, his flirtatious colleague, who seemed to have one too many drinks, cornered Jack in the coat room as he was getting his coat to leave.  Without warning, she pulled him towards her and kissed him on the mouth.  Rather than pulling away, Jack responded by kissing her back.

When he realized what he was doing, he pulled away, made an excuse and quickly left the party feeling shaken by the experience.  As he was driving home, his thoughts were racing.  He knew he had to talk to his wife before he did something he regretted.  He also realized that he wanted love and passion back in his marriage.

When he got home, he found Mary getting ready for bed.  He hesitated for a moment.  Then, he stammered that he needed to talk.  Mary responded by turning away and asking him if it couldn't wait until tomorrow.  Jack sensed that Mary knew what he wanted to talk to her about, and she was putting him off.  So, he told her that it couldn't wait--they needed to talk now.

It was harder than Jack thought to get the words out.  As he told Mary that he felt their marriage was in trouble, he only looked up occasionally to look at her.  Mary kept her gaze on the floor, looking very uncomfortable and anxious.  But Mary acknowledged that she was also feeling that something was missing in their relationship for a long time.  They agreed to both think about it and talk again in a few days.  They went to bed together that night, and for the first time in years, they held each other.

They both wanted to salvage their marriage, but they didn't know how.  Within a week, they decided to get help in couples counseling.  They learned in couples counseling how their experiences with their families affected their ability to deal with uncomfortable feelings.  Over time, with a lot of effort, they worked towards rekindling the emotional closeness and sexual intimacy they once had.

Getting Help in Therapy 
Avoiding, rather than facing, the problems in your relationship often makes them worse as time goes on. There's no doubt that it can be awkward to address these issues with your spouse or romantic partner.  But you need to weigh this against the possibility that your relationship won't last if you don't deal with your problems.

A skilled therapist, who works with couples, can help you work through your problems.  She can also help you to learn how to communicate more effectively with each other so both of you are able to talk to each other about your feelings and you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

LGBTQ Relationships: Dealing with Homophobia in Families

As a psychotherapist in New York City, I've worked with many LGBTQ in couples counseling as well as in individual therapy where their families have not accepted that they're gay or that they're in a gay or lesbian relationship. The families' disapproval often causes individuals in gay and lesbian relationships to feel that they have to choose between spending time with their partners and spending time with their families.

LGBTQ Relationships: Dealing with Homophobia in Families

Of course, there are varying degrees of acceptance--everything from outright disapproval to half hearted acceptance to fully embracing the relationship and everything in between. It can be a very heart wrenching decision as to how to handle these situations.

The following scenario is based on a composite of many cases, and it does not represent any particular couple:

Vickie and Susan:
Vickie and Susan had been living together in a committed relationship for over three years when they came to couples counseling. They were both in their early 30s and had successful professions. Susan's family lived in NYC, and Vickie's family lived out of state.

Susan tended to be "out" as a lesbian to her family, at work and in most social situations. Vickie tended to be more reserved and she only told certain people that she was a lesbian. She had never told her family directly that she was a lesbian, but she assumed that they knew and they just never discussed it.

They had many close lesbian and gay friends, both single people and couples, in NYC that they socialized with during the year. But the holiday season often presented a problem. If they were staying in NYC, there was no problem because Susan's family embraced Vickie as their daughter-in-law and made her feel at home. They would also spend time with their friends, both heterosexual and gay.

But there were certain years where Vickie missed her family and they wanted her to spend the holidays with them. In most ways, Vickie was close to her family and she loved them. She liked spending time with her parents, and her older sister. Her family had many holidays rituals that Vickie enjoyed from the time she was a young child. The problem was that, even though they knew that she lived with Susan, she had never told them explicitly that they were life partners.

Both Vickie and Susan wanted Vickie's family to recognize and honor their relationship, but Vickie was too afraid of losing her family if she actually "came out" to them and told them that Susan was her wife. For Vickie, it was one thing for it to be understood that Vickie was a lesbian without having to discuss it, and it was quite another for her to be direct about it.

At certain times, Susan and Vickie would argue about this during other times of the year. Susan wanted Vickie to be more direct and "come out" as a lesbian and introduce Susan as her wife. But their disagreements about this were never as bad as they were during the holiday season.

When Vickie and Susan started couples counseling, Vickie's family was urging her to come to see them for the holidays because they had not seen her the prior two holiday seasons. Vickie felt torn about what to do. On the one hand, she missed her family and she wanted very much to see them. On the other hand, she didn't want to hurt Susan's feelings by going without her or inviting her to come without defining their relationship to her family.

Aside from dealing with homophobia among friends and families, internalized homophobia can be just as challenging, if not more challenging for someone who is a gay man or a lesbian. And both Susan and Vickie had to be willing to look at their own internalized homophobia in couples counseling, especially Vickie, with regard to this situation.

In working through this problem in couples counseling, Susan and Vickie both made a commitment to put their relationship first. Vickie had to confront and overcome her fears about her family's reaction if she told them directly that she was a lesbian and she was in a lesbian relationship. Her worst fear was that her family would cut her off. She also had to look at how she was withholding an important part of herself from her family and the effect this was having for her own internal world, as well as the effect on Susan and their relationship.

As we worked through this issue, we came up with a plan that began by Vickie telling the person in her family who would be most receptive, her older sister. As Vickie expected, her older sister told her that she already knew that Vickie was a lesbian and she suspected that Susan was more than just a "roommate." She told Vickie that she would love to meet Susan. But she agreed with Vickie that their parents probably wouldn't be as receptive to Vickie being openly gay and bringing her partner for the holidays. She told Vickie that she was in her and Susan's corner, no matter how their parents reacted and she would be supportive.

Vickie was relieved that her sister was supportive, but she knew that talking to her parents would be more challenging. They tended to be conservative and not open to people and situations that didn't fit into their values.

Vickie decided to talk to her mother first because she felt that, even though both parents were conservative, her mother was a little more open than her father. When the day came for Vickie to have the conversation with her mother, as we discussed, she "bookended" her call by talking to her best friend first and planning to talk to her after she spoke to her mother. This helped her to feel supported.

Vickie had a plan for how she was going to broach the topic of being a lesbian in a lesbian relationship with her mother, but her mother threw her off by interrupting her and telling her about all she was doing to prepare for the holidays. Vickie listened for a while and she felt herself becoming increasingly anxious. At one point, she considered not telling her mother at all. But she didn't want to go back on her commitment to Susan and the commitment that she made in our couples counseling sessions.

After listening for more than 20 minutes to her mother go on about the holiday preparations, Vickie knew that she had to say something at that point or she might lose her nerve. So, when her mother took a breath, Vickie began by telling her mother that she was the most happy that she had ever been in her life. She was afraid that if she didn't tell her mother this from the outset, her mother might not hear it after she "came out" and talked to her about her lesbian relationship.

Vickie's mother reacted positively and told her that she was pleased that she was happy. Then, Vickie took a deep breath and told her mother, for the first time, that she was a lesbian and Susan is her wife. There was silence on the other end of the phone for a few long seconds. When she spoke, Vickie's mother's tone of voice had completely changed. Whereas she had been upbeat and chipper before, she spoke in a whisper and told Vickie that she must never tell her father this because he would be devastated. She also told Vickie that she never wanted to talk about this again. Then, she began to change the subject.

At that point, as planned, Vickie told her mother that she knew that it might be hard for her to understand, but it was important to her that the family accept that she is a lesbian and that she is in a committed relationship with Susan. 

Again, there was a long pause at the other end, and finally her mother told Vickie in a whisper, "We know you're a lesbian. We figured it out a long time ago. But we don't have to talk about it and you don't need to throw it in our faces. We love you very much, but you can't expect us to talk about this as if it were nothing. And you can't expect us to accept that you're in a gay relationship. If you want to invite Susan to come for the holidays, she can come, but you can't flaunt your relationship and you can't stay in the same room."

Vickie was deeply disappointed, but she was not surprised. As agreed, she told her mother that she couldn't and wouldn't come under these circumstances, and she hoped that they could talk about this in the future and try to work it out. But, for now, she was spending the holiday with Susan and her family. At that point, Vickie's mother hung up the phone, and Vickie didn't speak to her parents for over a year.

Vickie and Susan remained in couples counseling to work through the repercussions of this turn of events. It placed a strain on their relationship, but they were both committed to staying together and working things out. They also strengthened the bonds of their relationships in the lesbian and gay community so they felt supported among other gay people who had similar experiences.

Vickie's older sister was also supportive and she came to NYC to meet Susan and to spend time with them at their apartment. It meant a lot to Vickie to have her sister show support for her and her relationship, even if she wasn't talking to her parents.

Vickie's sister told her that their mother broke down and told their father, even though she had told Vickie not to say anything to him, and he was even more upset about it than their mother. When they weren't discussing it openly, prior to Vickie's call, they put the whole idea of Vickie being gay in the back of their minds. But when Vickie talked about it openly with her mother, it was too confronting for the mother. It also removed any shadow of a doubt that Vickie was a lesbian and that she was in a lesbian relationship.

The following year, Vickie's sister announced that she would host the holidays in her house and she was inviting Vickie and Susan. 

When her parents heard about this, they told her that they wouldn't come if Vickie was coming to "flaunt" her relationship with Susan--to which Vickie's sister responded, "That's up to you. But if you come, I expect you and dad to be pleasant and respectful of Vickie and Susan." She gave them a book to read that was written for parents of gay children. She also gave them information about PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays).

After much chaos and commotion, the parents decided to come. Vickie and Susan were anxious, and it was obvious that when Vickie's parents came, they were also very anxious too. There were anxious and awkward moments when Vickie introduced them to Susan. But, eventually, things settled down, at least on the surface, and everyone was polite. But there was an under current of emotional strain in the air.

This was the first of many holidays where Vickie and Susan went home to see Vickie's family. Over time, Vickie's parents got to know and like Susan and Susan began to feel more comfortable with them. Vickie's parents even began to attend PFLAG meetings and talk to other parents of gay children. 

After a while, they were able to talk to Vickie more about her life with Susan. They told her that they didn't understand, but she was still their daughter, they loved her, and they wanted her to be happy. And if being happy meant that she was a lesbian and in a relationship with Susan, they accepted this.

Having gone through this ordeal together strengthened Susan's and Vickie's relationship. They both wished that Vickie's parents would more than just "accept" their relationship, but they came to terms with it, and it no longer interfered with their relationship.

For Vickie, as an individual, "coming out" as an open lesbian and telling them that her relationship with Susan came first was a huge step. It strengthened her self confidence and it was a great relief not to have this secret any more.

Conclusion
The above composite scenario is one of countless ways that lesbian and gay couples and individuals cope with homophobia in their families. 

LGBTQ Relationships: Dealing with Homophobia in Families

There is no one right way to deal with these situations. Each individual and each situation is unique.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're a lesbian or gay man who is struggling with similar "coming out" issues, you could benefit from getting help from a psychotherapist who specializes in gay and lesbian issues. You could also benefit from seeking support from LGBT support groups.

In NYC, you can contact the LGBT Community Center: http://www.gaycenter.org.
They offer a host of services for the LGBT community, including support groups, 12 Step programs, and other special programs specifically for the LGBT community.

If you're outside of NYC, you can contact the Gay and Lesbian National Hotline for support: http://www.glnh.org.

If you're a parent of a gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered child, you can educate yourself and get support through Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. : http://www.pflag.org.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many gay and lesbian individuals and couples with their own "coming out" process, relationship issues, and other issues specifically related to the lesbian and gay community.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.