Why Heterosexual Men Shouldn't Rely Only on Their Wife or Girlfriend to Develop Close Friends

I've been focusing on the topic of friendships in my recent articles:

Why Are Close Friends Important?

Why Do Heterosexual Men Tend to Have Fewer Close Friends Than Women?

In the current article I'm focusing on why heterosexual men shouldn't rely only on their wife or girlfriend to develop close friends.

Close Male Friendships

What Are the Contributing Factors to This Problem?

I think some of the issues I discussed in a prior article, Why Are Many Men Reluctant to Get Help in Therapy When They Need It?, are related to the male friendship problem:

• Fear

• Shame

• Embarrassment

• A belief in the need to conform to traditional gender roles including what it means to "be a man" 

• A fear of showing emotional vulnerability with other men

• A reluctance to admit the need for emotional connection with other men

Why Shouldn't Heterosexual Men Rely Only on Their Partner's Friend Group?

There are many reasons why you shouldn't rely only on your partner or your partner's friend group.

If you rely only on your partner to be the source of your friendships, you're putting a strain on your partner and your relationship because you're expecting her to do the "heavy lifting" when it comes to going out and making friends for both of you. 

In many heterosexual relationships this responsibility is in addition to expecting your partner to be in charge of the relationship social calendar, including setting up times to be with friends, making restaurant reservations, making vacation plans, remembering loved ones' birthdays, buying gifts for loved ones, setting up holiday plans, setting up and remembering children's play dates and so on.

This is detrimental to you, your partner, your relationship, and your ability to have a satisfying social life together (see my article: Relationships: Sharing the Mental Load).

What Are the Benefits of Heterosexual Men Having Their Own Close Friends?

If you have a diverse network of friends, including your own network of close male friends,  you can experience the following potential benefits:

• Emotional Well-Being and Support: Having your own male friends can provide you with emotional support. Male friendships can be a valuable resource when you are experiencing personal struggles, including problems in your relationship, which you can't discuss with your partner's friends. Also, if you and your partner break up, you won't lose your entire emotional support network if you have your own friends. In addition, male loneliness and isolation are important contributing factors to male suicides in the United States. Men represent 79% of all suicides in the U.S., which is four times higher than women. So, having close friends can help you to avoid feeling lonely, isolated and depressed (see my article: What is the Difference Between Feeling Sad and Feeling Depressed?).

Emotional Well-Being and Support

• Shared Interests: Male friendships can provide an opportunity for you to share interests and hobbies your partner might not necessarily enjoy.

Shared Interests Among Male Friends

• A Broader Network of Friends: Relying only on your partner or your partner's friends limits your friendship network. It might also be difficult to have close one-on-one friendships with your partner's friends because they are primarily her friends.

A Broader Network of Friends

• Avoid Misunderstandings and Boundary Crossings: Also, trying to develop close one-on-one friendships with your partner's friends can lead to triangulation, misunderstandings and emotional affairs.

Overcoming Your Reluctance to Develop Your Own Close Male Friendships

Developing close friendships involves being emotionally vulnerable because you're putting yourself out there when you might be rejected. 

Overcoming Fear of Vulnerability

A rejection doesn't necessarily mean another man doesn't like you enough to be your friend. Instead, he might have limited time due to personal and work responsibilities or he might be someone who doesn't see the need to have his own close male friends.

There are some similarities between developing a deeper romantic relationship and developing close friendships.

For instance, when you're trying to develop a deeper romantic relationship, you need to be willing to be emotionally vulnerable (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Emotional Intimacy in a Relationship).

It's the same idea when you're trying to develop close male friendships. You can't develop close friendships without allowing yourself to be emotionally vulnerable, which is hard for many heterosexual men.

Without emotional vulnerability, friendships remain superficial so that your conversations will probably be shallow and limited to impersonal topics: "Hey, how about those Yankees!"

Friendships won't deepen to the level where you can be emotionally supportive of one another

without you taking a risk to be emotionally vulnerable.

Although vulnerability might be an emotional risk, it's essential to having lifelong meaningful friendships.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at 917-742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why Are Close Friendships Important?

According to a 2021 American Perspectives Survey, Americans tend to have fewer close friends in recent years than they did in years past (see my article: Overcoming Loneliness and Social Isolation).

The survey also found that Americans talk to friends less often and rely on friends less for emotional support than they did in the past (see my article: Emotional Support From Your Family of Choice).

Close Friends Are Important For Your Overall Well-Being

According to the survey, there are reasons for this, including:

• Americans are more mobile than they were before so this makes it difficult to maintain friendships with the consistency that these relationships need.

• Americans are working and traveling more for work which doesn't leave time to develop and foster friendships.

• American parents are spending more time with their children than previous generations so this doesn't allow much time for friendships.

Why Are Close Friendships Important to Your Mental Health?

Close friendships can improve mental health because friendships:

• Reduce Loneliness and Social Isolation: Spending time with friends can help prevent loneliness and social isolation which can have mental health benefits.

• Provide Emotional Support: Friends can help with getting through difficult times and to cope with anxiety, depression, stress and major changes.

Close Friends Are Important For Your Overall Well-Being

• Improve Self Esteem: Positive interactions with friends can improve self esteem.

• Foster a Sense of Belonging: Close friends can increase feelings of belonging and community which can help with feeling connected and supported (see my article: The Need For Emotional Connection and a Sense of Belonging).

• Increase Happiness and Satisfaction with Life: Close friends can contribute to overall happiness and satisfaction with life.

• Help With Personal Growth: Friendships can challenge you to learn, grow and become a better version of yourself.

• Provide a Sense of Purpose: Close friendship can contribute to a sense of meaning and purpose in life (see my articles: A Search For a Meaningful Life and Living a Meaningful Life).

Why Are Close Friendship Important for Your Physical Health?

Close friendships can improve your physical health benefits because friendships can:

• Improve Cardiovascular Health: Having supportive friends can contribute to having healthier blood pressure and reduce the risk of cardiovascular problems.

Close Friendships Are Important to Your Overall Well-Being

• Enhance Immune Functions: Social support from friends can potentially enhance immune functions which reduce the risk of illness.

• Help Increase Life Expectancy: Studies have indicated that people with strong social connections tend to live longer.

Future Articles:

I'll continue to explore the importance of friendships in future articles.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Balancing Empathy and Healthy Boundaries

In my prior article, Understanding Healthy Boundaries: Rigid, Porous and Healthy Boundaries, I focused on the difference between healthy and unhealthy boundaries.

Balancing Empathy and Healthy Boundaries

In the current article, I'm focusing on balancing empathy with maintaining healthy boundaries  (see my article: How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt).

What is the Role of Empathy in Boundary Setting?

Empathy is an important part of maintaining healthy relationships because empathy:

• Helps you to understand the thoughts, feelings and experiences of others

• Helps you to be an active listener

• Allows you to validate others' emotions

• Helps you with conflict resolution so you and others can work out conflicts together

• Helps you to develop an emotional bond between you and others

• Helps you and others to have a greater sense of shared humanity

Why is It Challenging to Balance Empathy and Healthy Boundaries?

Empathy motivates you to connect with others' emotions and experiences.

Maintaining healthy boundaries, which is essential to your well-being, helps you to take care of yourself.

Balancing Empathy and Healthy Boundaries

Trying to balance empathy and healthy boundaries can make you feel like you're not being helpful to others and can put you in conflict with yourself about whether to take care of others or to take care of yourself.

Balancing empathy and healthy boundaries becomes a balancing act where you're supportive of others but you're also taking care of yourself so you don't get emotionally depleted or overwhelmed.

Here are some reasons why this balancing act can be challenging:

• Empathetic people want to be emotionally supportive so this can make setting boundaries difficult. It can make them feel selfish. They might even doubt their own need to take care of themselves.

• Empathetic people might not understand their own emotional needs so they don't know when to set healthy boundaries with others. They might even have porous boundaries which makes boundary setting even more difficult. They might also vacillate between having porous boundaries and having boundaries that are too rigid.

• People who are naturally supportive are concerned that setting boundaries will make them appear lacking in compassion. 

• Highly empathic people often absorb the emotions of people that are around them, which can lead to fatigue and burnout.

• Social or cultural expectations might make empathetic people feel pressured into putting others' needs before their own or lead to inner conflict.

Examples of Challenges With Balancing Empathy and Healthy Boundaries

The following scenarios are fictional examples of situations that often come up when people are trying to set healthy boundaries in personal and work-related relationships:

Setting Boundaries in a Personal Friendship

Mary and Nina were close friends since childhood.  

When they were teenagers, Mary understood that Nina came from a family with a lot of challenges, so she always made herself available whenever Nina was having a problem at home.  There were even times when Mary's parents allowed Nina to stay over when Nina's parents were fighting.

As an adult, Nina had ongoing problems in her personal and work-related relationships.  

Mary often told Nina that therapy helped her to overcome personal challenges and she suggested that Nina seek help in therapy.  But Nina told Mary that she "didn't believe in therapy" and she refused to get help.  Instead, she continued to lean on Mary emotionally whenever she had problems.

Mary wanted to be emotionally supportive, but she often felt Nina's problems were overwhelming her (see my article: Do You Feel Overwhelmed By Your Friend's Problems?).

When Mary brought this up in her therapy, her therapist spoke to Mary about setting healthy boundaries with Nina in a kind and tactful way.  

Mary thought about this for a while before she felt comfortable enough to speak with Nina. But when she finally spoke to Nina, Mary's message was not well received. 

Old feelings got triggered in Nina of being emotionally invalidated. She felt like hurt and she rejected. She also felt she was "too much" for Mary to bear, which brought up a lot of shame for her.

All of this put a strain on their friendship and they didn't speak for several months.

Out of desperation, Nina decided to give therapy a try.  

Once Nina became more self aware, she was able to come back to Mary with greater understanding so they could resume their friendship in a healthier way.

Mary also learned a lot about setting boundaries from this situation. She realized she tended to get overly involved in Nina's problems for reasons that involved her own personal history. She continued to work on this in her therapy to improve her ability to set healthy boundaries.

Setting Healthy Boundaries in a Professional Relationship

Joan was Bill's personal coach.  Most of the time they focused on helping him to develop his motivation to complete his dissertation. But there were times when Bill wanted additional time in their sessions to talk about challenges in his relationship with his wife.

Joan was naturally an empathetic person who wanted to help others. She empathized with Bill's personal problems and sometimes she allowed him to talk their beyond their scheduled time without getting compensated for it.  But afterwards, she felt emotionally overwhelmed and frustrated because she didn't know how to help Bill with his personal problems. 

Joan sought help from a mentor who had a lot of personal coaching experience, and he advised her to set boundaries with Bill.  He also advised her that, since she wasn't a mental health professional, she was working outside the scope of her expertise when Bill talked about his personal problems.

In addition, he encouraged her to value her time and not allow Bill to regularly go over the allotted time of their session.  

He gave her the name of a licensed psychotherapist in Bill's area and recommended that she explain to Bill why they needed to limit their sessions to the original parameters they had agreed upon--helping him to get motivated to complete his dissertation. And she explained why they couldn't delve into personal topics that were beyond her expertise as a personal coach.

But when Joan gave Bill the contact information for the psychotherapist, he expressed feeling hurt and rejected by Joan. 

He told Joan he didn't understand why she couldn't listen to his marital problems. In response, Joan reviewed the original agreement they had worked out and explained, once again, why he needed to get help from a mental health professional.

Even though Bill had paid for 10 coaching sessions in advance, he decided to forego the remaining five sessions because he felt hurt and rejected and he no longer wanted to work with Joan.

However, he knew he needed help, so he followed up with Joan's referral to a psychotherapist. After he developed greater self awareness in therapy, he called Joan to apologize for his inappropriate boundaries and thanked her for encouraging him to seek help from a therapist.

This situation was also a learning experience for Joan in terms of setting boundaries with future clients. 

How to Balance Empathy and Healthy Boundaries

The following suggestions can help you to balance empathy and healthy boundaries:

• Understand Your Needs: Start by developing an understanding of your own personal needs. It might feel uncomfortable to focus on yourself first, but this is where the process needs to start.

Balancing Empathy and Healthy Boundaries: Understand Your Needs

• Express Your Needs: When you're in the process of setting boundaries, focus on explaining your needs without blaming or shaming the other person. This can be challenging because it's often the case that people who tend to lean on others a lot don't have good personal boundaries themselves. As a result, they might not understand where you're coming from. In addition, based on their own personal history, your boundary setting might trigger old unresolved trauma related to shame. While this is unfortunate, as long as you're tactful and caring, you're not responsible for other people's unresolved trauma. It's their responsibility to get the professional help they need from a licensed mental health professional.

• Seek Help in Therapy: If healthy boundary setting is new or challenging for you, seek help in therapy to work on this issue as well as the underlying issues involved for you. For instance, if you were your parents' confidante when you were a young child, you might feel it's naturally your role to take on other people's problems. However, whether you're aware of it or not, being your parents' confidante as a young child was traumatic and overwhelming. If you're continuing to put yourself in that role with others, you're repeating an unhealthy pattern.

Get Help in Therapy

Balancing empathy and healthy boundaries might be challenging for you at first, especially if you were a parentified child where, due to a role reversal, you "parented" your parents by being their primary emotional support system as a young child (see my article: How Unresolved Childhood Trauma Can Affect Adult Relationships).

Get Help in Therapy

A skilled mental health professional can help you to define your personal needs and learn to set healthy boundaries with empathy and care.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in helping clients to set healthy boundaries. 

If your therapist specializes in trauma, she can also help you to work through the unresolved trauma that might be at the root of your problem.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

As a trauma therapist with over 25 years of experience, I have helped many clients to work through trauma so they can develop healthy boundaries (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: The Pros and Cons of Friends With Benefits (FWB)

Having casual sex with a friend, also known as Friends with Benefits (FWB), isn't for everyone.  Many people need the romance and the commitment to feel comfortable with having sex.  Other people don't like to mix friendship with sex.  But there are also many people who say Friends With Benefits works for them, and those people see certain advantages to having casual sex with a friend. This article will look at the pros and cons of FWB (see my article: 7 Signs Your Relationship is Based on Lust and Not Love).

Relationships: The Pros and Cons of Friends With Benefits (FWB)

The Different Types of Causal Sex

Before delving into FWB, I think it would be helpful to understand the different types of casual sexual encounters from the most superficial to FWB:

• One Night Stands: Of all the different sexual encounters, a one night stand is the most superficial with the least emotional commitment.  In fact, there's usually no emotional commitment. One night stands usually occur between strangers or people who are only superficially acquainted.  As the name implies, the encounter lasts one time and then the individuals part.

• Booty Calls: A step up from one night stands, booty calls are usually between people who are acquainted with each other but who don't have a friendship or a romantic relationship.  One person calls another on the spur of the moment to have sex.  Often, the people involved don't sleep together after they have sex, and there's no commitment.

• F--k Buddies: One step up from booty calls in terms of knowing one another, f--ck buddies are often friends whose primary objective is to have casual sex.  The relationship is often more about sex than it is about friendship.  They might have sex more often than people who see each other for booty calls.

• Friends With Benefits (FWB): Of all the casual sexual relationships, people who consider themselves FWB define themselves as mostly friends with the added bonus that they also have sex together.

The Pros and Cons of Friends with Benefits

    No Strings Attached vs. Feelings of Emotional Alienation:

• Pro:You'll have a person to have sex when you want to be sexual with someone.  This can be a very convenient way to fulfill your sexual needs without making an emotional commitment (if you and your friend mutually agree that this is what you both want).

• Con: Depending upon the two people involved and their agreement about their arrangement, they might not spend the night together or even show affection for each other after they have sex.  If this is what both people have agreed to, there might not be a problem.  But if one person is feeling especially lonely, this sexual encounter could be alienating and feel lonely.

    No Obligations or Constraints vs. Feelings of Insecurity and Inadequacy:

• Pro: You don't have to worry about obligations towards this person with regard to holidays, birthdays and other special occasions. You're also free to see other people without the constraints of a committed relationship.

• Con: Since the two of you can have other relationships and be sexual with other people, you or your friend might feel unexpected jealousy.  This could also bring up feelings of insecurity and inadequacy.

    The Possibility of a Deeper Relationship vs. Heartbreak:

• Pro: What starts out as being only Friends with Benefits could develop into a deeper relationship if both people want to shift the nature of their relationship.

• Con: Since there is no commitment, it could lead to emotional pain and heartbreak if one person develops deeper feelings and the other doesn't.

Maintaining Boundaries in a Friends With Benefits Relationship

If you're going to be in a FWB relationship, you and your partner need to communicate clearly and honestly about the boundaries and expectations of your relationship and any other relationships that you might be in (i.e., if you're in a primary romantic relationship with someone else).

Even if you have a clear understanding to start, one of the risks of FWB is that you could lose your friend if one of you develops romantic feelings for the other and the other person doesn't develop these feelings. So, it's important to understand that this is a risk.

It's also important to understand that even though the arrangement has the benefit of sex (often frequent sex), part of the boundary setting is usually that there are no other "benefits" like having emotional support during a stressful time.

You also have to prepare yourself that you might get "dropped" when your friend finds someone else where there are deeper feelings.  Or, you might be the person who finds someone else and has to discuss this with your friend.  Even though there was an original understanding that the relationship was only about sex, this can still be painful.

Your FWB Relationship Could Have a Negative Impact on Potential Romantic Partners

Potential partners who might be interested in you could be put off by your FWB relationship because it seems messy or complicated to them, and they might not want to be part of this. As a result, someone you might want to form a deeper relationship with might steer clear of you.

Only You Can Decide If FWB Is Right For You

The decision is yours as to whether you enter into a FWB arrangement with a friend. That's why it's important that you know yourself and what you need. This might be convenient for you if you just got out of a serious relationship and you don't want another serious relationship right now or there's some other reason why you only want to focus on having sex without a commitment.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're struggling with these issues, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional.

An objective professional won't tell you what to do, but she can help you to sort out your emotions and get a perspective on what's best for you.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed psychotherapist so that you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Grief: The Emotional Impact of Losing Both of Your Parents

Even if you think you're prepared for the deaths of your parents, the actual experience can be emotionally challenging and change how you feel about yourself (see my other articles about death and grief: 

Coping with the Loss of a Loved One: Common Reactions

Coping with the Loss of a Loved One: Taking Care of Yourself, Allowing Room For Grief 

Holding Onto Grief as a Way to Stay Emotionally Connected to a Deceased Loved One).

Grief: The Emotional Impact of Losing Both of Your Parents

Most people, who have lost their last parent, say that they never anticipated feeling like an "orphan."

You might think that once you're an adult and you begin seeing your parents' health deteriorate, something you anticipated for a long time, that you would be prepared yourself for it emotionally, but the actual experience is different from what most people expect.

A Fictional Vignette: The Emotional Impact of Losing Both Parents

Ted
Ted's father died when Ted was in his late 40s.

Ted and his father were close, and it was difficult to see his father struggling with dementia during the  last several years of his father's life.

During his father's early struggle with dementia, Ted moved closer to his parents, and he and his younger sister took turns helping their parents with basic daily activities of life.

All the time that he was spending with his family put a strain on his marriage, which was already falling apart.  This eventually led to his wife asking him for a divorce.  Even though Ted would have liked to salvage his marriage, his wife had already made up her mind.

Ted understood that they both had been unhappy in their marriage for a long time, but he felt it was especially thoughtless for his wife to leave at that point when he was already struggling emotionally.

When the end came, Ted grieved for the loss of his father, and he was flooded with many early memories of their good times together.

He also spent more time with his mother, whose health also began to deteriorate.

Ted noticed that, after his father died, his mother was having serious memory lapses, and her doctor confirmed that, similar to his father, his mother was suffering with dementia.

There were times when his mother thought that Ted was his father.  There were also other times when she seemed to be completely lucid, and Ted cherished those times.

The emotional burden of ending a 20-year marriage, taking care of his mother, who was gradually slipping away into advanced dementia, and maintaining a stressful full time job weighed heavily on Ted.

He knew he could talk to his sister and to friends, but Ted realized that he needed more than that--he needed help from a psychotherapist.

Grief: The Emotional Impact of Losing Both of Your Parents

By the time he began therapy, Ted had already lost 20 pounds and he was looking gaunt (see my article: Self Care For Caregivers).

He knew he wasn't taking care of himself, and he needed emotional support.

He told his therapist that he always anticipated and feared this stage of his life, but going through it now was much worse than he anticipated.

Before his father's health deteriorated, Ted looked up to him as a strong, wise, vibrant man.  He admired his father's wisdom, and he often sought his father's advice.

He told his therapist that if his father was still alive, they would have discussed his mother's condition and come up with a plan, but his father was gone and, even with his sister's help, Ted felt alone, especially after his wife left him.

Watching his mother deteriorate almost seemed unreal to him.  When she was in good health, she was very sharp, and she had always been an active and admired member of their community.  Now, he could hardly believe this was the same woman.

Having the emotional support of his psychotherapist helped Ted to get through this difficult time.  He also began taking better care of himself.

A year later, Ted could no longer maintain his mother at home, and he and his sister placed her in a skilled nursing facility.  By that time, his mother no longer recognized either of them, but they both went to visit her every week.

Two years later, Ted got the call from the nursing facility that his mother died.  He went through the motions with his sister of arranging for her funeral.

A week after the funeral, Ted felt lost.  He had never experienced anything like this before.  Not only did he miss his parents, but he also felt like a young, vulnerable child again who was unprotected in a potentially dangerous world.

The reality was that Ted was functioning much better on a day-to-day level compared to how he was doing before he went to therapy.  But his inner emotional experience was that he felt so young, lonely and vulnerable--as if he wouldn't survive without his parents.

His therapist helped Ted to understand that he was going through a normal stage of grieving that most people experience after their second parent dies.

Ted spent many sessions talking to his therapist about feeling lost and dreams that he had about being young and being with his parents.

He suddenly realized that now that both of his parents were dead, they had taken a part of him with them.

With his parents and aunts and uncles gone, there was now no one who knew him as a young child.

His sister, who was 10 years younger than Ted, remembered certain aspects of his adolescence and they could talk about their parents, but Ted felt the loss of those early childhood experiences with his parents.

Ted also began thinking more about his own mortality, which he used to avoid doing in the past.  He kept thinking, "Now that my parents are gone, I'm next."

He realized how precious time is, and he felt like he was wasting time in a job that he hated.

More than ever, he felt the need to be doing something that he really liked, so he went for training to become a graphic artist, something that he had always wanted to do (see my article: Reclaiming a Lost Part of Yourself and Finding Personal Meaning in Your Life).

To deal with his grief, Ted went to the cemetery once a week to visit his parents' grave.  At first, he felt awkward about what to do.  But as time went on, as he stood by the grave, he had conversations with his parents.

Ted wasn't sure if he believed in an afterlife or not or if he was really communicating with his parents, but he felt soothed by these conversations.

As he continued to talk to his therapist about his experiences with grief, Ted began to realize that his relationships with his parents didn't end after their death.  By remembering them, talking about them and having these conversations at the grave site, he was continuing to develop his inner experience of his relationship with his parents.

As time went on, Ted developed a different perspective about each of his parents.  He could now understand how they felt about the deaths of their parents and the sacrifices they made to maintain a good life for him and his sister even when they were grieving.

He knew that his friends meant well, but some of them weren't very tactful--telling him things like he shouldn't feel as bad because his parents were both in their 90s when they died (see my article: Expressing Condolences in a Caring and Tactful Manner).

Ted knew that they didn't understand because they hadn't experienced the loss of both of their parents yet.

Other friends, who hadn't lost either parent yet, seemed to be avoiding Ted, as if they were trying to avoid thinking about the eventual deaths of their own parents and their own death.

So, having a time and place in therapy was very helpful to Ted, especially his  friends and family members stopped calling him as much to find out how he was doing.

Ted also found it very helpful to write about his feelings in a journal (see my article: Writing to Cope With Grief) and The Benefits of Writing Between Therapy Sessions).

Grief: The Emotional Impact of Losing Both of Your Parents

A year later, Ted was working at a job that he really loved.  He was also dating a new woman and their relationship was getting serious.

Although the emotional pain wasn't as acute as it had been after his parents died, Ted still thought about them every day and wondered what they would think as he was making changes in his life.

His weekly ritual of visiting his parents grave site and seeing his therapist continued to soothe him, as he went through his grieving process.

Conclusion
Many people experience the loss of their last parent as a loss of a part of themselves.

It often comes as a surprise that they feel as if they have been orphaned and a younger part of themselves feels more vulnerable.

They develop a different perspective of their lives, realizing that life is finite.  This can lead to making major changes in life to live a happier life.

People who haven't experienced the loss of the last parent often don't understand what it's like.  Although they might be well-meaning, their lack of understanding often causes them to say tactless things or to avoid contact.

It's also not unusual for marriages that are already struggling to fall apart during this time as the emotional impact of grieving puts extra stress on a marriage.

Having a place where you can talk about your loss and the internal changes you're going through can be soothing.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're going through a difficult time grieving the loss of your parents, you could benefit from seeing a skilled psychotherapist who can help you through the stages of mourning (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Everyone goes through the mourning process in his or her own way.  There is no "right way" to do it.

An experienced psychotherapist knows that mourning is a unique experience and can help you through the process so you don't get stuck in complicated grief (see my article: Unresolved Grief and Complicated Mourning).

Family members and friends, who are uncomfortable with the thoughts of their parents' and their own mortality, might tell you to get "get over it" or to "move on" with your life.  Even though they might be well-meaning, this can cause you to feel ashamed of your feelings.

Rather than suffering alone, you could benefit from working with a skilled psychotherapist, who has experience helping clients through the mourning process.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to work through the mourning process.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my other articles about grief: Articles About Grief - by Josephine Ferraro, LCSW.

The Psychological Stages of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is one of the most misunderstood concepts.

See my articles: 

Does Forgiving Mean Forgetting?

Asking For Forgiveness: The Power to Make Amends

Deciding Whether or Not to Forgive Your Father

Deciding Whether or Not to Forgive Your Parents

The Psychological Stages of Forgiveness

Most people think that if they forgive someone who has hurt them, they're doing it for this person.  But getting to the point where you forgive someone is something that you do for yourself in order not to continue carrying around hurt and anger inside you.

When you've been hurt, you're not always ready to forgive the other person immediately.  This is normal, especially if the person really hurt or betrayed you.  It might take time--if you decide to forgive this person at all.

Psychological Stages of Forgiveness
Everyone is different, so even though I'm outlining these psychological stages of forgiveness, recognize that each person goes through the process in his or her own unique way.  Also, the stages aren't necessarily linear, and you can go back and forth between these different stages before you reach a resolution for yourself.

• Understand What Happened:  If you have been unexpectedly hurt or betrayed by someone close to you, it can be such a shock to you that you might need time to understand what happened.  Instead of being hasty before you know the details, make sure  you understand the situation and the circumstances.

• Understand Your Own Feelings About What Happened:  Once you've determined the details of what happened and you think you have the facts, you might not be sure how you feel about it initially, especially if the hurt or betrayal was unexpected.  You will probably need time to absorb what happened and sort out your feelings.  Take time before you say or do anything that you might regret, including "brushing things under the rug" because you don't want to deal with it (Coping With Secrets and Lies in Your Relationship).

The Psychological Stages of Forgiveness

• Be Aware That Complete Forgiveness Doesn't Usually Come All At Once:  Once you understand what happened and you've had time to sort out your feelings, you might have an intention to forgive the other person.  But despite your intention, complete forgiveness might not happen all at once.  Forgiving someone for a very hurtful situation usually happens from surface to depth.  In other words, you make a commitment to yourself and the other person that you want to accept an apology, but that doesn't mean that everything is back to normal between the two of you.  It might be a while (if ever) before you trust this person again.

• Be Clear On What You Mean When You Say You Accept an Apology:  If you still need time before you resume your relationship with this person, tell him or her this.  Let the other person know that this will be a process for both of you.  Or, if you have decided that the hurt or the betrayal was so great that you can't continue the relationship, you can accept the apology without an understanding that "everything is back to normal" and try to have closure, if possible (see my articles: Coping With a Close Friend's Betrayal and Learning to Trust Again After a Major Setback or Loss).

• Don't Use the Forgiveness Process as a Power Play:  Whether or not you decide to forgive the person who hurt you is up to you.  As I mentioned earlier, the process of forgiveness is for you, not the other person.  But if you know that you want to eventually forgive this person, don't use this as a power play by holding your forgiveness over the other person's head as a bargaining chip.

Getting Help in Therapy
There are some situations, especially in cases of major betrayal or abuse, where you might be confused as to how you feel and what you want to do.

If you've tried to get clear on your own feelings and you're still confused, you could benefit from getting help from a skilled psychotherapist (see my articles: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

While you don't have to continue to have this person in your life if it will make you unhappy, holding onto anger and resentment is only going to hurt you more (see my article: Holding Onto Anger is Like Drinking Poison and Expecting the Other Person to Die).

Rather than allowing hurt and anger to eat away at you, you could work through your feelings with a licensed mental health professional who can help you through the situation and provide you with the necessary tools for you to have closure and move on with your life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients through the psychological stages of forgiveness.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Setting Boundaries That Are Too Rigid?

In a prior article,  Setting Healthy Boundaries, I discussed how to set healthy boundaries.  In this article, I'm focusing on how to overcome setting boundaries that are too rigid.

Are You Setting Boundaries That Are Too Rigid?

Most of the time when we think of setting boundaries, we think about boundaries that are too loose.

But there are some people who set boundaries that are too rigid and they end up having problems in their interpersonal relationships.

Signs That Your Boundaries Might Be Too Rigid

• You spend most of your time alone.
• Your plans don't include other people.
• You feel lonely, disconnected and alienated from others (see my article: Overcoming Loneliness and Social Isolation).
• You don't get to know other people because you don't open up to them or allow them to open up to you.
• You're unhappy because you feel that others don't know the real you, but you also fear allowing them to get to know the real you (see my article:  Overcoming the Fear That Others Won't Like You If They Knew the Real You).
• You've alienated others because you keep them at a distance.
• Family or friends complain that you keep them shut out emotionally because you've built a wall around yourself.
• Other people seem to dislike you, misunderstand you or feel put off by you because you're emotionally cold towards them.

And so on.

What Are Some of the Reasons Why You Might Be Setting Rigid Boundaries?
Generally, people who set rigid boundaries have often experienced prior emotional trauma that makes them fearful of allowing people to get close to them.

This can include an early history of physical abuse or neglect, emotional abuse, sexual abuse and other forms of abuse (see my article: Adults Who Were Traumatized as Children Are Often Afraid to Experience All Their Feelings).

Are You Setting Boundaries That Are Too Rigid?

If you're setting rigid boundaries, you probably don't feel safe allowing others to get to know you beyond the surface, so you might use maladaptive coping strategies or defense mechanisms that include keeping yourself walled off and shutting others out (see my article: How Therapy Can Help You to Gradually Take Down the "Wall" You've Built Around Yourself).

What Are Some of the Problems You Might Be Having As a Result of Rigid Boundaries?
We are all hard wired for emotional attachment.

Everyone has a basic need for emotional connection, even people who deny to themselves and others that this is what they need.

As I mentioned earlier, if you're setting rigid boundaries with others, you probably feel lonely a lot of the time.

You might not make the connection between your loneliness and the rigid boundaries that you set with others.  You might not even realize that you're setting rigid boundaries because it might be unconscious on your part.

You might feel like others don't like you or they're the ones who are avoiding you--when, in fact, what's really happening is that others sense you want them to remain at a distance.

This isn't always something that is clearly defined--it might be a vague sense that others have to keep away from you.

Rigid Boundaries: Others Sense You Want Them to Keep Their Distance

Due to this dynamic, there is a spiraling effect:  You signal to others, either consciously or  unconsciously, that you don't want others to get too close to you.  Then, others respond by keeping their distance from you.

But just like everyone else, you need emotional connection, so you end up feeling lonely and then wonder why others are keeping their distance.  This, in turn, can lead to you're feeling annoyed or resentful, which further signals to others to stay away.

Overcoming the Need to Set Rigid Boundaries With Others
The first step in overcoming this problem is self awareness.

Without self awareness, you won't know that you're creating this dynamic with others and there will be little to no chance of changing it.

The next step is getting help in therapy to overcome the original problem that created the need for you to keep people at a distance.

Getting Help in Therapy
Often, people with rigid boundaries come into therapy because they feel lonely, misunderstood or alienated from others.

Even if they're missing having close connections with others, they might not know how to make those connections.

The underlying problems that lead to forming rigid boundaries often starts at a young age.

It's hard to change from having rigid boundaries to having healthy, flexible boundaries without professional help.

Getting Help in Therapy to Overcome Unresolved Trauma That Results in Rigid Boundaries

A skilled psychotherapist, who is trained in trauma therapy, can help you with unresolved trauma to work through these problems so you can learn to trust and form healthy relationships.

This isn't easy or quick, but trauma therapy has helped many people with rigid boundaries and other similar problems.

I'll be writing more about this in my next article.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping adults to overcome psychological trauma, and I have helped many people to overcome their trauma history so they could go on to lead fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.