Why Medication Alone Can't Solve Most Psychological Problems

Many people who are taking medication ask why medication alone isn't solving their psychological problems (see my article: Medication Alone Isn't As Effective as Psychotherapy).

Medication Alone Can't Solve Most Psychological Problems

Why Can't Medication Solve Most Psychological Problems?

There are times when medication might be necessary and helpful to deal with the symptoms of a psychological problem. However, when medication is needed, a better approach to consider is combining medication with psychotherapy.

Here's why:

• Medication Targets Symptoms, But It Can't Get to the Root Cause of Your Problem: Whereas psychotherapy can get to the root cause of your problem, medication  alone can help to alleviate symptoms while you're on the medication. Medication doesn't address the underlying causes of your problem. For instance, if you choose to take medication for anxiety or depression, your symptoms might improve, but it doesn't address the underlying psychological and emotional factors involved so problem isn't resolved. 

Medication Alone Can't Solve Most Psychological Problems

• Medication Doesn't Teach You Tools, Strategies or Coping Skills: Medication might reduce your symptoms, but it doesn't help you to change negative thoughts or to improve emotional regulation. It doesn't help you to develop the necessary coping skills and internal resources. It also doesn't help you to work through unresolved trauma. Psychotherapy can help you with these issues and more (see my article: Developing Internal Resources and Coping Skills).

• Medication Doesn't Provide Provide Psychological Interventions: Psychological issues require psychological interventions. For instance, unlike psychotherapy, medication alone doesn't address the following issues or a variety other psychological problems:

• Grief

• Poor communication skills

• Dysfunctional relationship patterns

• Unresolved trauma

• Medication Doesn't Help You to Develop Internal Resources: Psychotherapy can help you to develop the necessary internal resources and coping skills related to your problem. In many cases, when you have developed these internal resources, it's possible you won't be as reliant on medication or you might not need it (always consult with your psychiatrist before you reduce or stop your medication). Medication is usually for symptom reduction. While medication can reduce symptoms, psychotherapy can help you to develop the following skills and internal resources and more:

• Develop self reflective capacity

• Develop a personal growth mindset

• Develop personal resilience

Conclusion

Medication can be a tool for managing symptoms and creating stability, but psychotherapy addresses the underlying issues at the root of your problem, helps you to develop coping skills and promotes positive change.

For many psychological issues, the combination of psychotherapy and medication can be effective. 

Always consult with a mental health professional who has the necessary expertise about this.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been struggling with unresolved problems, you could benefit from working with a skilled psychotherapist who can help you to develop the tools and strategies to overcome your problem.

Getting Help in Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has the expertise to help you to lead a more meaningful life.

Note: Never reduce or stop medication without consulting with your psychiatrist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I am also work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why Are Close Friendships Important?

According to a 2021 American Perspectives Survey, Americans tend to have fewer close friends in recent years than they did in years past (see my article: Overcoming Loneliness and Social Isolation).

The survey also found that Americans talk to friends less often and rely on friends less for emotional support than they did in the past (see my article: Emotional Support From Your Family of Choice).

Close Friends Are Important For Your Overall Well-Being

According to the survey, there are reasons for this, including:

• Americans are more mobile than they were before so this makes it difficult to maintain friendships with the consistency that these relationships need.

• Americans are working and traveling more for work which doesn't leave time to develop and foster friendships.

• American parents are spending more time with their children than previous generations so this doesn't allow much time for friendships.

Why Are Close Friendships Important to Your Mental Health?

Close friendships can improve mental health because friendships:

• Reduce Loneliness and Social Isolation: Spending time with friends can help prevent loneliness and social isolation which can have mental health benefits.

• Provide Emotional Support: Friends can help with getting through difficult times and to cope with anxiety, depression, stress and major changes.

Close Friends Are Important For Your Overall Well-Being

• Improve Self Esteem: Positive interactions with friends can improve self esteem.

• Foster a Sense of Belonging: Close friends can increase feelings of belonging and community which can help with feeling connected and supported (see my article: The Need For Emotional Connection and a Sense of Belonging).

• Increase Happiness and Satisfaction with Life: Close friends can contribute to overall happiness and satisfaction with life.

• Help With Personal Growth: Friendships can challenge you to learn, grow and become a better version of yourself.

• Provide a Sense of Purpose: Close friendship can contribute to a sense of meaning and purpose in life (see my articles: A Search For a Meaningful Life and Living a Meaningful Life).

Why Are Close Friendship Important for Your Physical Health?

Close friendships can improve your physical health benefits because friendships can:

• Improve Cardiovascular Health: Having supportive friends can contribute to having healthier blood pressure and reduce the risk of cardiovascular problems.

Close Friendships Are Important to Your Overall Well-Being

• Enhance Immune Functions: Social support from friends can potentially enhance immune functions which reduce the risk of illness.

• Help Increase Life Expectancy: Studies have indicated that people with strong social connections tend to live longer.

Future Articles:

I'll continue to explore the importance of friendships in future articles.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why Do People Go to Therapy?

When I was 18 years old, I sought help in therapy to deal with certain issues I was struggling with at the time. 

I'll never forget our family doctor's response when I told him that I started therapy: "Why are you going to therapy? Do you think you're a movie star?" 

Why Do People Go to Therapy?

I knew he was trying to make light of a subject that made him feel uncomfortable but, even back then, as a teenager, I realized his response was unenlightened and behind the times. 

I would like to think people are better informed now, but I still hear from clients in my psychotherapy private practice that their friends and family respond negatively when they hear about therapy: 

"Why are you going to therapy?" 

"Therapy is for crazy people. You're not crazy"

"You must be weak if you going to therapy" and so on 

    

        See my articles below about common misconceptions about therapy.

So, after hearing these remarks many times, I thought it would be worthwhile to write about the reasons why people go to therapy. I'm hoping this article can help to normalize the therapy process.

Why Do People Attend Psychotherapy?

People attend therapy for a variety of reasons including but not limited to:

• Personal Growth: Many people seek help in therapy to develop self awareness and self reflective capacity. Self reflective capacity is the ability to examine, analyze and evaluate your thoughts, feelings and behavior.  This includes the capacity to reflect on your inner emotional and psychological world to understand the ways you feel, think and behave. This allows you to make changes in the way you see yourself and how you interact with others (see my article: The Growth Mindset vs the Fixed Mindset).

Going to Therapy For Personal Growth

• A Negative Mood on Most Days: Many people, who experience anxiety and/or depression or who feel unmotivated or overwhelmed by their emotions, seek help in therapy to overcome these problems (see my article: What is the Connection Between Anxiety and Depression?).

• Major Life Changes: Major life changes can exciting. They can also be confusing, anxiety-inducing and overwhelming. People who have difficulty coping with major changes and want strategies to make life transitions easier seek help in therapy (see my articles: Coping With Major Changes in Your Life and Coping With Midlife Transitions).

• Unresolved Trauma: Unresolved trauma often has a negative impact on day-to-day interactions with loved ones or colleagues. Getting help in trauma therapy can help to overcome trauma. Note: Trauma can be a one-time event or it can occur over time such as unresolved childhood abuse or neglect.

                      See my articles:

• What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?

• How Trauma Therapy Can Help You to Overcome Trauma

Going to Therapy to Overcome Trauma

• Relationship Issues: People who seek individual therapy or couples therapy to work on relationship issues often find they benefit from therapy and they have more fulfilling relationships. Also, some couples want to work on having an amicable separation or divorce or help on how to co-parent in a healthy way ,

• See my article: What is EFT Therapy For Couples Therapy?

Going to Therapy For Relationship Problems

• Low Self Esteem: Problems with low self esteem can have a negative impact on all areas of life. People who attend therapy can develop a healthy sense of self (see my article: What is Low Self Esteem?).

• Sexual Problems: Individual clients and people in relationships benefit from seeking help in sex therapy to overcome sexual problems.

                See my articles: 

• What is Sex Therapy? and What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?

• Family Problems: One of the most common reasons why people seek help in therapy is to deal with past or current family issues (see my article: Healing Mother-Daughter Relationships).

• Grief: Even though grief is a common experience for everyone at some point, grief can be overwhelming especially if people don't know how to grieve or they experience complicated grief.

Going to Therapy For Grief Work

• Career or Work-Related Problems: Work relationships can be similar to a dysfunctional family. Many therapy clients benefit from developing an ability to deal with difficult work relationships, changes at work or career transitions (see my articles: Coping With a Difficult Boss and Balancing Your Personal Life and Your Career).

Going to Therapy For Work-Life Balance

• Problems with Managing Emotions: Many people, who never learned the skills involved with managing emotions, benefit from learning these skills in therapy (see my article: Developing Skills to Manage Your Emotions in Experiential Therapy).

Going to Therapy to Manage Emotions

• Problems Managing Stress: Everyone experiences stress. However, people who feel overwhelmed by stress and who might not have the skills to manage their stress can benefit from seeking help in therapy to develop these skils (see my article: Stress Management: Are You Experiencing Chronic Stress and Unaware of It?).

Common Misconceptions About Therapy

Generally, people are better informed about psychotherapy than in the past, but there is still a stigma among people who don't understand therapy.

I have included links below for the most common misconceptions about therapy:

Common Myths About Therapy: Going to Therapy Means You're "Weak"

Therapy is All Talk and No Action

Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy

Getting Help in Therapy

People seek help in therapy for many different reasons.

Getting Help in Therapy

Whether you're considering therapy for your personal growth or you have problems you have been unable to cope with on your own, you could benefit from working with a skilled psychotherapist.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

With over 20 years of experience, I have helped many individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Self Actualization and What Qualities Do Self Actualizers Possess?

Psychologist Abraham Maslow introduced the concept of the Hierarchy of Needs in the 1940s.  The Hierarchy of Needs was symbolized by a triangle of human needs.  

According to Maslow, from bottom to top those human needs consist of: 

• Physiological Needs: food, water, sleep
• Safety: home, security
• Love and Belonging: deeper, meaningful relationships
• Esteem: honor and recognition 
• Self Actualization: achieving your highest psychological potential

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs

A Shift in Psychology

Maslow wanted to get away from focusing on abnormal psychology and development in order to focus on healthy human development, so his theory represented a shift in psychology.  He is considered to be part of Humanistic Psychology.

Maslow believed that people couldn't reach their highest potential, self actualization, until their other basic needs were met.  Later on, this concept that all the basic needs had to be fulfilled first was criticized as being too rigid.  

What is Self Actualization?

Self actualization is at the top of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs pyramid.  

When people have achieved self actualization, according to Maslow, they have reached their highest level of psychological development.

Many experts now believe that self actualization is more about how open people are to personal growth and health rather than whether they have achieved success or happiness.

What Qualities Do Self Actualizers Possess?

According to Maslow, people who achieve self actualization have the following qualities:

• Self Awareness
• An Acceptance of Others
• A Focus on Personal Growth
• A Sense of Purpose
• A Creative Spirit
• Less Concern for Others' Opinions
• A Desire to Fulfill Their Potential
• An Ability to Judge People and Situations Correctly 
• An Ability to Exist Autonomously
• An Ability to Think Independently
• A Comfort With Solitude
• Deep Loving Bonds With Close Intimate Friends
• Compassion
• Peak Experiences (a heightened sense of wonder, awe and transcendence)

People who achieve self actualization don't necessarily stay at that stage.  They might go up and down the Hierarchy of Needs pyramid over the span of their lifetime.

Maslow believed that relatively few people became self actualizers, but there is still value in Maslow's theory, especially with regard to peak experiences.

My Next Article: Peak Experiences

I believe one of Maslow's most significant contributions to psychology was his concept of peak experiences, which I'll discuss in my next article: 

What Are Peak Experiences?

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Low Self Esteem

As a New York City psychotherapist, I often see clients who come to psychotherapy because they want to overcome low self esteem. In my prior psychotherapy blog posts I've addressed issues of self esteem from different vantage points. In this post, I would like to discuss the link between self esteem, a sense of self mastery (also called self efficacy) and learning the life skill of self discipline.

Overcoming Low Self Esteem

The Importance of Learning Self Discipline, Self Mastery and Developing Healthy Personal Habits as Children:
Having a sense of self discipline, developing healthy personal habits, and a sense of self mastery are important to personal development and our sense of self esteem. These traits begin to develop, without our realizing it, when we're children.

When children learn to develop healthy habits like learning to put away their toys after they play, doing simple age-appropriate chores around the house, keeping their word about the commitments that they make, and so on, they're learning important life skills that are essential to their development beyond the particular chore or event that is involved. They're also learning to be responsible and deal with certain aspects of life that they might not want to do but that are essential to every day life as well as their personal growth and development.

Learning Healthy Habits as Children

When children don't learn to master certain chores or develop healthy personal habits like the importance of getting up on time, doing homework and turning it in when it's due, keeping their word about a commitment that they've made (and so on), they often have a much harder time as adults dealing with more mature issues in their work and personal lives than children who have gradually learned these life skills over time when they were growing up. Not learning these skills can also have a profound effect on a person's self esteem as well as how others view them as adults.

As a psychotherapist, I hear from many adult clients who talk about how frustrated they feel that their teenagers and young adult children have not developed healthy personal habits and self discipline and how this has affected the children's self esteem. These clients are often concerned that their children's lack of self discipline will not bode well for their chances out in the world with regard to personal relationships, school, and career.

 They fear that their children are just drifting without purpose and that they might have a hard time setting goals, holding onto a job or maintaining healthy relationships later in life. They talk about children who only want to do chores when they want to do them (or not at all), who spend most of the weekend loafing around or playing video games, who have no healthy routines, and they worry: "How is my child going to make his way in the world?"

When I hear clients who express these concerns about their teenagers or young adult children, I can understand why they're concerned. As any responsible adult knows, there are many things that we might not want to do, but we know that we must as essential parts of our lives. For instance, even if you think you have the most interesting job in the world, there are often parts of work that you don't like or you might find boring or unfulfilling.

 Imagine telling your boss that you just "didn't feel like" doing those aspects of your job, or you procrastinated doing them so that your boss had to come to you several times to ask about them, or if you pretended not to hear your boss because you were listening to your music (some of you who have teens might relate to this). After a while, you might not have that job for long. Aside from how your boss and colleagues might feel about you, you probably would not feel good about yourself and it would start to erode your self esteem.

Learning to develop healthy habits and self discipline should start gradually when you're young. Even young children can begin by learning to do simple tasks. Is it possible that they might grumble, pout or cry when you ask them to do simple things like learning to put away their toys when they're done playing? They might. They might question you as to "why" they need to do this or tell you that they don't want to do it.

They might test the boundaries with you in many ways. As a parent, you might even tell yourself that you would do it better and quicker and use that as an excuse to yourself to avoid having a confrontation with your child. But the importance of your child learning to do these simple chores is not only about the chores themselves--it's about their learning self discipline, responsibility and a sense of self mastery. They are probably too young to realize this but, as an adult, you know it.

Learning to do simple tasks, as a child, as well as learning to keep your word is also about learning to deal with your emotions when you feel annoyed and frustrated about something that you don't want to do--or just life, in general. Whether it's about learning to make your bed, practicing the piano or doing other things that you might not want to do at the moment because you're thinking about doing more interesting things, the skills that you learn by doing these tasks anyway (even when you don't want to do them) become part of your emotional development as well because you learn how to tolerate frustration.

We've all witnessed or experienced two year old children when they are having temper tantrums. The parent who is able to withstand the child's temper tantrum with love and patience, while the parent stands his or her ground, is helping that child to develop emotionally. For instance, when a child doesn't want to leave the park when it's time to go home or doesn't want to get in the carriage and a parent sets limits with the child (in a loving way), that child, without realizing it, is gradually developing a tolerance for acceptable amounts of frustration.

In these situations, the child has tested the boundaries with his mother, the mother demonstrates that she knows best, the child has a temper tantrum for a while (maybe a long while) but, in the end, the child learns that he must do something that he doesn't want to do.

 More importantly, he learns that he has survived in this ordeal, and that his mother has survived as well (although she might feel inwardly exasperated), and he learns that his mother still loves him and he still loves her. Can the two year old articulate these lessons? No. But, over time, we see the evidence of this in his personal development as he grows and continues to learn these important lessons in life skills. We can see it as the child learns to take on bigger, more complex age-appropriate responsibilities as they grow. We also see it in their sense of confidence.

Similarly, when a child learns life skills like keeping her word and following through with commitments , she will be better equipped as an adult to maintain her adult commitments. But when a child doesn't learn to develop these skills when they're younger, it's harder for them to keep their commitments when they're adults.

 If they haven't learned to develop a sense of the importance of keeping commitments and they only do certain things when they want to do them, they will probably struggle as adults. Lacking guidance from their parents as a child, they won't have internalized it as an adult. They will lack the internal emotional resources to deal with commitments and their only own internal "guide" might be whether they feel like it or not, which won't be acceptable in many circumstances in the outside world.

Lacking these internal resources as an adult will also affect how they feel about themselves. It's hard to feel confident, resourceful, and effective as an adult if your only guide to dealing with your responsibilities and commitments is whether you feel like it or not. You're definitely on shaky ground if this is your compass for functioning in the world. After a while, as friends, romantic partners and work supervisors refuse to put up with this, it reinforces an internal sense of incompetence and failure.

Conversely, when children learn to stick with their commitments and see the results of their efforts and diligence, it increases their self esteem and sense of self mastery.

 For instance, the child who learns to stick with practicing the piano on a regular basis (even though he would prefer to play video games at the moment) begins to make the link between practice, being diligent and responsible and a sense of self mastery. He sees that, over time, his time and effort has led to being able to play a certain piece of music with increasing skill. It becomes gratifying to him.

He also learns to translate this into other areas of his life: Studying and doing his homework, which might be boring in the short term, produces better academic results. Better academic results often leads to a more successful career. These life skills become an important part of his personal growth and development as well as his sense of self confidence.

It's certainly possible to learn to develop these life skills as an adult. I often work with clients in my psychotherapy practice helping them to learn these skills and this leads to a greater sense of self esteem. However, it's harder to learn when you're an adult and, often, by the time an adult comes to psychotherapy to deal with self esteem issues related to the lack of these related life skills, they have often struggled for a while in their relationships and career.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're struggling with a sense of low esteem and you see that continuing on the same path has hindered your personal growth, you might benefit from working with a licensed psychotherapist.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome low self esteem to lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Learning to Trust Again After a Major Setback or Loss

"We have no reason to mistrust our world for it is not against us. Has its terrors, they are our terrors; has its abysses, those abysses belong to us; our dangers at hand, we must try to love them. And if only we arrange life according to that principle which counsels us that we must always hold to the difficult, then that which now seems to us the most alien will become what we most trust and find most faithful. How should we be able to forget those ancient myths that are at the beginning of all peoples, the myths about dragons that at the last moment turn into princesses; perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us once as beautiful and brave. Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest being something helpless that wants help from us."
   ~ Rainer Maria Rilke, poet, 1934, Letters to a Young Poet

Learning to Trust Again After a Major Setback or Loss

Learning to Trust Again After a Major Setback or Loss Can Test Us
Learning to trust again after a major setback or a loss can test us in ways that we might not have ever been tested before. When we feel lost, confused, helpless, and disempowered, where do we find the courage to stand up again to face whatever challenge is before us? This is a question that we all face at one time or another. We are challenged to find ways, sometimes without even knowing how or where we'll find the personal strength, to get through the crisis and continue living our lives.

For some people, it's like walking through a dark cave, feeling the wall next to them, taking one small and unsure step at a time, not knowing where it might lead, and hoping that each step will bring them closer to the light, safety, and warmth outside the cave. Without any assurances or guarantees, they keep taking one step at a time, sometimes stopping, sometimes falling down, but getting back up again and continuing to move forward.

Sometimes life presents us with a loss or disappointment, often unexpected, catching us off guard and flat footed. It might be the breakup of a relationship, the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, the betrayal of a spouse or a friend, or a sudden accident or illness. At those times, it might feel that we will never get over the loss. We might feel that we never want to open our hearts again to feel this kind of vulnerability and pain. It might feel unfair that life goes on, time passes, other people are experiencing new joy in their lives, getting married, having children, experiencing success in their lives and we feel stuck in this place of despair.

Sometimes We Disappoint Ourselves
Sometimes we disappoint ourselves when we revert to old behavior that we thought we had overcome, only to find ourselves back again in that same place that we hoped we would never find ourselves in again. This might mean losing our temper when we thought we had overcome our problems with anger management, relapsing on alcohol or drugs after years of sobriety, picking up a cigarette after years of not smoking, choosing an unhealthy relationship again after promising ourselves and others never to do that again, or engaging in other self-sabotaging behavior. At times like this, we might feel that we can't even trust ourselves as we struggle to overcome our own inner demons.

After a loss or a major setback, rebuilding trust in ourselves, in others, and in life in general is a process. It can feel slow and unsteady at times. Often, we might feel like we'd like to give up, abandon hope, keep our heads down, make ourselves small, and hide out somewhere. But most of the time, after a temporary retreat, we might not have that option. The father with small children whose wife died must continue to care for his children, go to work, take care of daily responsibilities and go on with life. Even though part of him really doesn't want to because he's grieving for his loss, he knows must learn to trust again that life will get better for himself and his children. The single mother who lost her job again, maybe for the third or fourth time in a row, must go out and try to find another job and trust that there's a prospective employer who will see her talent, hire her and keep her on as a valued employee. The victim of a car accident who has become disabled faces the choice of giving up or engaging and persevering in physical therapy with the hope that his health will be restored.

Remembering Challenges We Have Overcome Gives Us a Sense of Hope

Remembering other difficult times in our lives where we've overcome personal challenges can give us a sense of hope that we can overcome whatever we're faced with now and learn to trust again. Reading and learning about what other people have done to regain trust in themselves, others and in life, can help to inspire us and give us hope. As an example, I'm thinking, in particular, of Franklin Roosevelt, who was disabled by polio during his presidency, but who persevered and, according to Eleanor Roosevelt, never gave up hope that he would overcome his illness.

Getting  Help in Therapy: You're Not Alone

It's important to realize that, even when you feel that life has dealt you a terrible blow, making you feel alienated and isolated from the rest of the world, you're not alone. Many people have gone through what you're experiencing and have come out on the other side. It's important to stay connected to supportive friends and family, and if you're still unable to see light at the end of the tunnel, to seek professional help from a licensed psychotherapist.

About Me
I'm a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.   I work with individual adults and couples.  

I have helped many clients to learn to trust again and find hope and meaning in life.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

Coping with Frustration

All of us have experienced times when we've either not gotten what we wanted or we've had to deal with something that we didn't want. When we're forced to deal with these types of situations, we often feel frustrated, annoyed and disappointed.

Coping With Frustration

Learning to Cope with Frustration as Part of Personal Development:
Learning to cope with feelings of frustration is an important part of personal development. Without the necessary coping skills to overcome frustration and disappointments, we get stuck, and this adds to our emotional pain. So, how do people learn to tolerate frustration?

How We Learn to Cope with Frustration:
Ideally, we begin learning to cope with frustration as infants. Under normal circumstances, if we've had good enough parenting, we learn early on in small, manageable doses that we can't always get what we want and we sometimes have to do things that we don't want to do. If you've ever seen an infant who wants to continue playing when his mother says it's time to eat or sleep, you've likely seen an infant's reaction to frustration. There may be crying, angry flailing about, kicking, and screaming. It's a situation that certainly tests a parent's tolerance for frustration.

Over time, in small ways, if the baby is exposed to small doses of frustration, he learns that he's not always going to get what he wants but, under optimal conditions, he gets what he wants enough times so that he is satisfied.

However, if a caregiver is inconsistent and arbitrary, this can create confusion and even greater frustration for the baby. Or, if the parent doesn't set limits with the child and allows the child to have whatever he wants, whether it's good for him or not (perhaps because the parent is unable to tolerate the baby's reaction to not getting what he wants), then that child often grows up without the skills for coping with frustration. This creates problems later on when, as an adult, he has to deal with other adults who won't always accommodate him. Since he didn't learn to tolerate frustration in small doses as a child, when he doesn't get what he wants or gets what he doesn't want, it seems overwhelming. So, in other words, either neglect (and certainly abuse) as well as overindulgence can lead to low frustration tolerance in adults.

Of course, nobody can control what their parents did or didn't do when they were growing up. So, if you didn't learn to develop coping skills to deal with frustration along the way, here are some suggestions:

• When something doesn't go your way, try not to personalize it: Most of the time, when circumstances come up that frustrate you, it's not meant to be personal. So, if the grocery clerk packs your grocery in a way where the eggs break, they make a mess, and your bag breaks, most likely, he didn't do it on purpose. Or, if you're in a hurry to drive to an appointment and someone is taking a long time to cross the street, which is delaying you, maybe he's handicapped and not purposely trying to make you late for your appointment. Or, if a client is rude to you on the phone, maybe he's having a bad day that has nothing to do with you. Learn to step outside of the situation and consider that it's often not about you, even though it might be affecting you.

• If you encounter an obstacle in your path, try to find another way to approach the situation: Rather than giving up or taking it as a sign that you're a failure, try a different approach. Talk to other people who have gone through what you're going through. What did they do? Can you learn something from them? Think of it as a challenge rather than as a defeat. Think about other situations where you have overcome obstacles, recognize that you've had successes in the past, and you'll have successes in the future.

• Learn to keep things in perspective: When you're feeling frustrated, it can seem like a big deal at the time. But sometimes, depending upon the situation, a little light hearted humor can go a long way. Does it really help you to get angry, tense and miserable when things don't go your way? Usually not. So, learn to put things in perspective.

• Learn to reframe the situation for yourself: Often, how you perceive things and your attitude about circumstances can have a bigger impact on the situation than someone or something else. So, for instance, rather than feeling frustrated and fuming that your flight is delayed, take the time to do something that you wouldn't have had the time to do if the flight was on time: call your children, get caught up on your email, go to the gift shop and look for that birthday gift for your sister that you haven't had time to get yet. So, rather than seeing the delay as an obstacle, see if there are any opportunities that you can create.

• Develop a sense of confidence in yourself: If you lack confidence, this can be one of the more challenging steps, but it's an important step. Often, the difference between someone who is able to tolerate and overcome frustrating situations and the person who can't is a matter of confidence, optimism, and resilience. When you feel confident and optimistic, you're more likely to see setbacks as temporary rather than permanent obstacles in your way. Confidence and resilience can give you the extra mental, emotional and physical energy that you need to overcome a frustrating situation. If you read about some of our greatest inventors, like Thomas Edison, you'll discover that they were very persistent and resilient, overcoming one obstacle after the next to meet their goals.

• Develop positive outlets to deal with stress and maintain emotional balance: Tension and frustration are an inevitable part of life. Whether you choose to meditate, take a yoga class, go to the gym, take a brisk walk, talk to friends--whatever you choose to do, find ways to release tension and frustration rather than bottling it up, allowing it to build up, or losing your temper with the people around you.

• Learn to accept change: Learning to accept change can go a long way to helping you to cope with frustration. (Of course, I'm not talking about accepting abuse or unhealthy situations.) There is very little in life that is permanent. Relationships change, friendships change, jobs change, almost everything changes. When it's a change that we like, it's easy to accept change. But when it's a change that we don't want, it's a lot more challenging. Change is a big part of life and learning to be flexible is important to coping with some of the frustration involved with change.

• Learn to accept what you can't change: Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, there are situations that are not under your control. If you know you've done your best, sometimes, you have to accept that there are some things that you just can't change, no matter what you do. This can be a humbling experience but, in most cases, it doesn't have to be devastating. Making peace with the things you can't change is far better than wasting time and effort railing at them in vain or continuing to make fruitless efforts when you could be directing your time and energy towards more attainable goals.

Getting Help in Therapy:
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, learning to cope with frustration can be overwhelming. 

If your inability to cope with frustration is affecting your relationships or getting in the way of your leading a fulfilling life, you might benefit from psychotherapy with a licensed psychotherapist.

About Me:
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to learn to cope with frustration so that they lead happier lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Developing Emotional Resilience

Emotional resilience refers to a person's ability to deal with adversity, stressful situations and crisis in a balanced way. It's often part of a person's nature. However, the good news is that even if you're not naturally resilient and you tend to be a person who is more vulnerable to stressful events, you can learn to develop better coping skills so that you can become more resilient.

Developing Emotional Resilience

The ability to be more resilient is on a continuum so it's not an "all or nothing" kind of thing. It's not like either you have it or you don't--it's a matter of degree. Some people have better coping skills than others. So, before we explore how to become more resilient, let's explore what positive factors contribute to being more resilient:

• Understanding your feelings --what you feel and why you feel it


• Willingness to take appropriate action and not to give up easily


• Having a positive outlook about yourself and the world


• Willingness to seek emotional support when you need it


• Being able to laugh at life's every day challenges


• Learning from your mistakes and being willing to change


• Finding meaning and purpose in your life

How to Develop Emotional Resilience:

Engage in positive self talk. Remind yourself of your strengths and inner resources, your positive experiences, and that you have dealt with other problems before.

Understand why you are feeling upset so you can take positive action.

Know what you can control in your life and in the world and what you cannot. Learn how to respond and not overreact to adversity. There's a lot of wisdom in the Serenity Prayer: "God, grant me the wisdom to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference."

Develop a positive outlook on the world. Learn to cultivate an optimistic attitude.

Talk to supportive friends and family and allow them to give you support when you need it.

Be flexible and willing to change, adapt and grow.

Develop a sense of humor and learn to laugh at every day stressors. Be curious. Learn to develop your playful side. Whatever you can laugh at, most likely, will not have so much power over you.

Get plenty of rest, eat nutritious foods, and maintain a healthy exercise regime (always consult with your doctor before beginning an exercise program).

Learn to find the deeper meaning in life's stressful situations. Whether you consider yourself to be a spiritual person or not, you can find a deeper meaning and even a deeper purpose when faced with adversity.

Be persistent. When you know that you are on the path that is right for you, don't give up when you become discouraged. Develop a positive attitude and a perspective that you're in it for the long haul.

Remember that it's a process. Be patient with yourself and others.

Good luck to you on your journey.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist 

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.