When You Shut Down Emotional Pain, You Also Shut Down Potential Pleasure

There are many people, who have a history of traumatic experiences and who could benefit from psychotherapy, but they never come to therapy.  Instead, they do whatever they can to try to suppress and avoid feeling their feelings, but what they usually don't realize is that when they shut down their emotional pain, they're also shutting down the potential for feeling pleasure (see my article: What Happens When You Numb Yourself Emotionally).

When You Shut Down Emotional Pain, You Also Shutdown Potential Pleasure

In addition, what many of people don't know is that a skilled trauma-informed psychotherapist knows how to help clients to develop the ability to expand their "window of tolerance" so they can work through their traumatic experiences in an emotionally-safe therapeutic environment (see my article: Expanding Your Window of Tolerance in Psychotherapy).

What is the Window of Tolerance?
In my prior article, I explained that, according to Dr. Dan Siegel, the window of tolerance is a term that refers to the optimal level of arousal or the optimal zone.

When clients are in their optimal level of tolerance, they are neither hyper-aroused nor hypo-aroused.  They are able to deal with problems as they come up because they're at their optimal level of arousal.

During times of extreme stress, if clients are experiencing hyperarousal, they're in the flight/flight mode, which includes hypervigilance, anxiety, racing thoughts and possibly panic. If they're experiencing hypoarousal, they're in the freeze mode, which includes emotional numbness, feelings of emptiness or emotional paralysis.

Fictional Clinical Vignette: When You Shut Down Emotional Pain, You Also Shut Down Potential Pleasure
The following fictional vignette illustrates how suppressing emotional pain also suppresses pleasure:

Rena
After Rena's mother died in a car accident, Rena would wake up each morning feeling that she had nothing to look forward to and she lacked purpose and meaning in her life.

She told her new psychotherapist that everything felt "blah" and no sooner did she wake up in the morning than she felt like hiding under the covers (see my article: Coping With the Loss of a Loved One: Complicated Grief).

When You Shut Down Emotional Pain, You Also Shut Down Potential Pleasure

She explained to her therapist that she didn't always feel this way.  For most of her life, she looked forward to the joy that each day would bring and she was able to take emotional challenges in stride.  But she was very close to her mother and after her mother died in a car accident, her grief was unbearable.

Rena realized that she had never experienced such raw sadness and anger before.  Her new psychotherapist explained to Rena how emotional numbing numbed joy as well as pain.  She recommended that they use EMDR therapy to help Rena overcome her trauma (see my article: How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR and the Brain).

Over the next several months, as Rena worked with her therapist on the unresolved grief, her therapist titrated the work so that it was manageable for Rena.

Rena's psychotherapist worked in a way that was within Rena's window of tolerance so that, although Rena still felt very sad when she processed her grief, she didn't feel overwhelmed.

Gradually, Rena was able to expand her window of tolerance so that she could tolerate dealing with deeper levels of emotion without feeling overwhelmed.

Psychotherapy Can Help You to Overcome Traumatic Experiences 

Over time, Rena felt as if she was coming back to life again.  Although she continued to feel sad, she also had moments of happiness.  She felt like she was coming out of a period of time when everything felt gray.  Now, she was beginning to notice colors, nature, music--all the things she enjoyed in her life before her mother died.

She memorialized her mother by writing short stories about her from the time her mother was a young girl up until the time she died so unexpectedly.  This felt healing to Rena (see my article: Writing About Your Mother After Her Death).

Conclusion
Shutting down often occurs when people feel overwhelmed by emotion.  It starts as a protective defense mechanism.  Over time, it can develop into an emotional and physical numbing that shuts out pleasure as well as pain.

When this occurs, some people feel their life has no meaning.  The more they try to avoid feeling, the more exhausting it becomes to try to suppress their feelings.

There is no quick fix for overcoming an overwhelming traumatic event, but trauma therapy can help.

Getting Help in Therapy
While it's understandable that people who have experienced trauma want to protect themselves from feeling the emotional pain, avoiding feeling emotions only makes it worse.

A skilled trauma therapist knows how to work with trauma in a relatively manageable way.

This doesn't mean that there is no emotional pain involved, but an experienced trauma therapist can work in a way to minimize a client getting overwhelmed by working within the client's window of tolerance and helping the client to expand that window of tolerance (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

If you're feeling stuck with unresolved trauma, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in helping clients to overcome trauma.

Working through psychological trauma allows you to work through the emotional pain so that you can feel like yourself again and you can lead a more meaningful life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I am a trauma-informed psychotherapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

The Psychological Stages of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is one of the most misunderstood concepts.

See my articles: 

Does Forgiving Mean Forgetting?

Asking For Forgiveness: The Power to Make Amends

Deciding Whether or Not to Forgive Your Father

Deciding Whether or Not to Forgive Your Parents

The Psychological Stages of Forgiveness

Most people think that if they forgive someone who has hurt them, they're doing it for this person.  But getting to the point where you forgive someone is something that you do for yourself in order not to continue carrying around hurt and anger inside you.

When you've been hurt, you're not always ready to forgive the other person immediately.  This is normal, especially if the person really hurt or betrayed you.  It might take time--if you decide to forgive this person at all.

Psychological Stages of Forgiveness
Everyone is different, so even though I'm outlining these psychological stages of forgiveness, recognize that each person goes through the process in his or her own unique way.  Also, the stages aren't necessarily linear, and you can go back and forth between these different stages before you reach a resolution for yourself.

• Understand What Happened:  If you have been unexpectedly hurt or betrayed by someone close to you, it can be such a shock to you that you might need time to understand what happened.  Instead of being hasty before you know the details, make sure  you understand the situation and the circumstances.

• Understand Your Own Feelings About What Happened:  Once you've determined the details of what happened and you think you have the facts, you might not be sure how you feel about it initially, especially if the hurt or betrayal was unexpected.  You will probably need time to absorb what happened and sort out your feelings.  Take time before you say or do anything that you might regret, including "brushing things under the rug" because you don't want to deal with it (Coping With Secrets and Lies in Your Relationship).

The Psychological Stages of Forgiveness

• Be Aware That Complete Forgiveness Doesn't Usually Come All At Once:  Once you understand what happened and you've had time to sort out your feelings, you might have an intention to forgive the other person.  But despite your intention, complete forgiveness might not happen all at once.  Forgiving someone for a very hurtful situation usually happens from surface to depth.  In other words, you make a commitment to yourself and the other person that you want to accept an apology, but that doesn't mean that everything is back to normal between the two of you.  It might be a while (if ever) before you trust this person again.

• Be Clear On What You Mean When You Say You Accept an Apology:  If you still need time before you resume your relationship with this person, tell him or her this.  Let the other person know that this will be a process for both of you.  Or, if you have decided that the hurt or the betrayal was so great that you can't continue the relationship, you can accept the apology without an understanding that "everything is back to normal" and try to have closure, if possible (see my articles: Coping With a Close Friend's Betrayal and Learning to Trust Again After a Major Setback or Loss).

• Don't Use the Forgiveness Process as a Power Play:  Whether or not you decide to forgive the person who hurt you is up to you.  As I mentioned earlier, the process of forgiveness is for you, not the other person.  But if you know that you want to eventually forgive this person, don't use this as a power play by holding your forgiveness over the other person's head as a bargaining chip.

Getting Help in Therapy
There are some situations, especially in cases of major betrayal or abuse, where you might be confused as to how you feel and what you want to do.

If you've tried to get clear on your own feelings and you're still confused, you could benefit from getting help from a skilled psychotherapist (see my articles: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

While you don't have to continue to have this person in your life if it will make you unhappy, holding onto anger and resentment is only going to hurt you more (see my article: Holding Onto Anger is Like Drinking Poison and Expecting the Other Person to Die).

Rather than allowing hurt and anger to eat away at you, you could work through your feelings with a licensed mental health professional who can help you through the situation and provide you with the necessary tools for you to have closure and move on with your life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients through the psychological stages of forgiveness.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Allowing Room for Grief

Experiencing grief, especially when it involves the loss of someone close to you, can be very painful.

For many people, the emotional pain of grief can be so painful that they try to push away or push down their feelings to avoid feeling the sadness and loss.

Allowing Room for Grief:  Some People Try to Push Away Their Feelings

While it's understandable that people who are going through grief might be tempted to deny or push away their feelings, it's important to make room for grief so, eventually, these painful feelings can be worked through.

Pushing Away Grief

People often try to avoid or distract themselves from feeling grief by:

• denying to themselves and others that they feel sad
• zoning out in front of the TV
• binge watching videos
• playing video games for hours
• surfing the Internet for long periods of time
• drinking excessively
• abusing drugs
• engaging in compulsive gambling (see my article:  Overcoming Grief Gambling)
• engaging in compulsive sexual activities
• overeating
• overworking
• engaging in sexual affairs

and so on.

What Are the Possible Negative Consequences of Not Making Room for Grief?

When you try to avoid feeling grief, not only are you shutting yourself off to painful emotions--you're also shutting down to positive feelings.

Allowing Room for Grief

Whether you're numbing yourself by denying your feelings or distracting yourself in any one of a myriad ways, you're also numbing yourself to all of your other feelings.  

After a while, emotional numbing can make you feel out of touch with yourself as well as your loved ones.  You can start to feel that you're just "going through the motions" in life rather than living your life in a meaningful way.

Making Room for Grief

"The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen:  room for grief, for relief, for  misery, for joy."
 Pema Chodron

No one wants to feel sad and upset all of the time, but it's important to make time, when you're ready, to feel your feelings, whether you do this on your own, with a trusted friend or in therapy.

Allowing Room for Grief:  Take Time and Space to Connect With Your Feelings

Here are some suggestions for how you can do this during quiet times when you have privacy (you can consider as to whether they would work for you or not):

• looking at pictures of your loved one
• taking time and space to connect with your feelings
• remembering good times together
• writing down your feelings in a journal
• engaging in creative arts related to your loved one (drawing, making collages, etc)
• revisiting places that were important to the two of you
• listening to music that brings back happy memories
• meditating on your feelings about your loved one
• attending or creating a spiritual ritual that is meaningful to you
• hearing positive stories about your loved one from family members or friends

and so on.

Grieving is an Individual Experience

No two people grieve in the same way.  It's a very individual experience.

In our society, we tend to rush people to "move on" before they're ready.  Not only is this unhelpful, it can also make the person who is grieving feel ashamed, as if he or she is abnormal in some way.

Although people close to you might have good intentions, don't let anyone tell you that you should be "over it" already.

Allowing Room for Grief

There's a difference between avoiding grief and taking the time that you need to deal with your grief.  So, even though I've provided some suggestions above about what many people find helpful, if you're not ready to look at pictures, listen to music that was meaningful to the two of you or engage in any of the activities mentioned above, trust your intuition about this.

At the same time, it's important to be honest with yourself.

So, for instance, if years have passed since your loved one has died and you're still holding onto his or her clothes or keeping a room as a "shrine" to your loved one, as painful as it might be, you need to ask yourself if you're refusing to let go of your grief.

Letting go of grief doesn't mean that you don't care about your loved one.  It means that you're accepting the loss and, hopefully, finding other meaningful ways to integrate this experience into your life.

Allowing Room for Grief:  Finding Meaningful Ways to Integrate the Experience

Many people discover that when they've gone through the hardest part of their grief and they're willing to be open to what comes next, they realize that they still feel a deep and loving connection to their loved one that allows them feel close to him or her.

Getting Help in Therapy

Many people find that their grief is too overwhelming to deal with on their own or they feel stuck in the grieving process.

If you're struggling with your feelings of grief on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in helping clients with bereavement issues.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples.

Helping clients to deal with grief is one of my specialties.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my article:
Grief in Waiting

Inconsolable Grief After a Mother's Death

The Problem With Rebound Relationships

A rebound relationship is a relationship that usually occurs shortly after you've ended a serious long term  relationship.  Sometimes, it occurs while someone is still in a relationship because s/he doesn't want to end one relationship without having someone else.

Heartbreak, Fear of Being Alone and Rebound Relationships
Generally speaking, many people go into rebound relationships because they're afraid to be alone.  Often, they're also afraid to go through the painful emotions involved a breakup.  So, rather than dealing with the feelings of loss, they find someone new to be in love with and excited about.

The Problem With Rebound Relationships

So, you might ask:  What's wrong with falling in love again?  And I would respond that, while it's true that some rebound relationships work out, many don't for a variety of reasons.

Why Rebound Relationships Often Don't Work Out:

Fantasies and Projections:
Usually, people who jump right into a new relationship, after being in a prior long term relationship, don't really know the new person that well.  Since they don't know the person that well, they fill in the blanks with wonderful fantasies and projections about who this new person is.

Then, as they get to really know the new person, reality sets in, and they usually discover that this person isn't who they thought s/he was.  And this leads to disappointment.

Unresolved Grief:
Since the motivation for a rebound relationship is often due, in part, to a wish to avoid feeling the pain of a prior breakup, the person who jumps into a new relationship quickly ends up pushing down their grief.

But the grief doesn't just go away.  It can come out in many different ways, including somatically.  Your body holds onto the grief even if you aren't consciously aware of it, and you might find yourself more susceptible to getting sick.

Also, once you begin to feel the disappointment when you realize that your new relationship isn't what you thought it was, you will often feel the emotions related to the unresolved grief along with your disappointment in the new relationship.

Incompatibility:
When you rebound into a new relationship, as I mentioned earlier, your own fantasies and projections can sweep you off your feet.  At first, you might not realize that the two of you aren't really compatible.  Evaluating compatibility takes time and the rebound relationship often happens too quickly to understand if you're compatible or not.

Let's take a look at a scenario, which is a composite of many different cases, that is typical of the problems related to rebound relationships:

Alice:
Alice and Bob, who were in their early 30s, were living together for five years when they decided to break up.  They still loved each other very much, but Alice wanted to have children, and Bob didn't.

Alice knew when they started dating that Bob didn't want children, but she fell in love with him and she hoped that, with time, he would change his mind.  But neither of them ever changed their minds about having children, and they each knew that they would be unhappy if they gave in to the other's wishes.

Alice was very aware that time was passing, and she knew that she might have problems with infertility if she waited much longer to have a child.

She struggled with her feelings for a couple of years when she realized that Bob wasn't going to change his mind about having children:  Should she stay with him because they loved each other so much and give up her desire for having children or should she leave the relationship and give herself a chance to meet someone new who would love her and want children too?

What if she didn't meet anyone new that she loved as much as Bob?  Or, what if she met someone new and they had a wonderful relationship, but it turned out that she couldn't have children?

These were very difficult questions that she perseverated about endlessly in her mind.  But, in the end, she knew that having children was a priority for her, and she wouldn't be happy unless she gave herself a chance to be with someone who wanted children.

Although there was no acrimony when she told Bob she thought it was best if they ended their relationship, the breakup was painfully sad.  Bob agreed that it was for the best for each of them, and they agreed that he would move out.

As Alice watched Bob pack his things, she felt her mind reeling:  Bob is a wonderful guy.  Is she making a big mistake by ending their relationship?  What if she never meets anyone as wonderful as Bob?   Although she really knew it was for the best, on some level, she still felt very uncertain about the breakup.

The first few weeks after the breakup, Alice's sadness was excruciating.  She felt like she would never stop crying.  She was tempted to call Bob, who would normally be there for her to comfort her, but they had agreed that it would be best if they didn't have any contact for at least six months.  So, whenever she found herself picking up the phone to call him, she would hang up again.

Alice's friends tried to comfort her, but she felt inconsolable.  Just getting through the day was excruciating.  And the nights alone in the bed that she shared with Bob were even more excruciating.

Until then, she had been avoiding social get-togethers with friends.  But her best friend, Tina, convinced her that staying home alone would only make her feel worse, and she convinced her to come to a friend's birthday party.  Although celebrating was the last thing she felt like doing, Alice knew that isolating herself wasn't good for her, so she agreed, reluctantly, to go.

Alice thought she would just go and stay for an hour and come home.  She was afraid that she wouldn't be such good company.  But there were many friends that she hadn't seen in a long time, and she was surprised that she was actually enjoying herself for the first time in a while.

Then, she saw John talking to her friend Tina.  She couldn't remember when she had seen such a handsome man.  She thought:  Lucky Tina.  Where did she meet him?

But when Tina came over to introduce John to Alice, it turned out that John was Tina's cousin who was visiting from California.

Alice felt an instant attraction to John, and she sensed that he was attracted to her too.  They spent most of the night together talking to each other, and the more she talked to him, the more she liked him.  And, to her delight, he talked about loving children and wanting to eventually have children.

All the while, she thought to herself:  How is it possible that after only a few weeks of being out of my relationship with Bob, I'm so attracted to this guy?

But she was undeniably attracted to John, and she felt swept off her feet after going out with him on a date while he was in NY.

After he returned to California, she thought about John all the time, and they would call each other and text several times a day.  Since her job involved traveling to the West Coast at least once a month, Alice would visit John and he would come to NYC at least once a month.  These visits were eagerly anticipated by both of them, and their time together was passionate.

Alice's friends liked John a lot, and they were happy to see that she met someone that she really liked.  But her best friend, Susan, who knew Alice since their college days, warned Alice to slow down.  She was afraid that Alice was caught in a rebound situation where she was allowing her fantasies of a long term relationship with John to run away with her.  But Alice was so excited and immersed in her new relationship with John that she dismissed Susan's advice.

When John found out a job in NYC, he and Alice decided to live together in her apartment.  A month before he came, Alice redecorated the apartment, made space in the closet for his clothes, and bought new linen.  She was so happy that they could be together now.  They talked every day about how wonderful it would be.

But within a couple of months of John moving in, tension developed between them.  They discovered that they were very different in many ways.

Whereas Alice was an early to bed/early to rise person who sprang out of bed and couldn't wait to begin the day, John would go to sleep late and get up about 11 or 11:30 AM.  She thought John was an early riser too because whenever she visited him or he came to see her in NY, he was up early with her too.  But she soon discovered that this wasn't John's natural inclination.  He keep this schedule he mostly worked from home.

Alice often got to her office at 8 AM to avoid the rush hour crush, and she often stayed at work until 7 PM.  By the time she got home, she was tired, but he was energized from sleeping late and spending time at the gym.

As time went on, they discovered other incompatibilities.  He was more of a home body and she liked to socialize more with friends.  She assumed that because she met him at a party and they went out a lot before they moved in together that he liked to socialize.  But she found out that he usually didn't go to parties and, other than going out to dinner or a movie with her, John didn't like to socialize that much. So, after John moved in, Alice would end up going to social events alone.

A few months after they began living together, they also began getting on each other's nerves with the kinds of habits that two people only discover when they move in together.  At the same time, they stopped having sex and they began to co-exist like roommates with neither of them acknowledging to each other that their relationship was spiraling down.

This saddened Alice and she realized that their relationship wasn't going to work.  As she wondered how she would broach the topic with John, he brought it up one day when she got home.  After they spoke, John packed his things and moved into a hotel until he could find his own apartment.

Alice cried harder that night than she ever did, and she realized that she was crying for the end of this short relationship and even more so for the end of her long term relationship with Bob.

She realized she had a lot of unresolved grief because she never gave herself a chance to grieve for her relationship with Bob before she got involved with John.  And she and John got involved so quickly that they never dated so they could get to know each other over time.

A few weeks after the breakup with John, Alice began therapy with me to deal with her losses and to understand why she feared being alone so much that she jumped into another relationship on the rebound.  Gradually, Alice began to work through her sadness and fear.

Getting Help in Therapy
These issues are more common than most people think.

If Alice's story resonates with you and you're struggling to overcome the emotional pain of loss, a rebound relationship or your fear of being alone, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health practitioner who has experience helping therapy clients to overcome these problems.

With help, you can lead a fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many psychotherapy clients to overcome the emotional pain associated with breakups and fear of being alone.

To find out more about me, visit my web site:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming the Heartbreak of a Breakup

Anyone who has ever gone through the agony of a heartbreak knows that, at the height of the emotional pain, it can feel like you'll never get over it.  All you want is relief--a pill, a potion, a magic cure, something, anything that just makes it all go away.  You don't want to hear platitudes that feel completely irrelevant to what you're going through  at the time.

Overcoming the Heartbreak of a Breakup

Finding the Right Balance For Dealing With the Heartbreak of a Breakup
Everyone goes through the heartbreak of a breakup in his or her own way.  Some people jump right back into dating immediately, wanting to just "move on" from the pain and put it behind them as quickly as possible.  But most people who do this usually discover that it's not so easy, especially if your former lover or spouse meant a lot to you.

You Can't Just Flip a Switch to Turn Off Your Feelings
Most people can't do the equivalent of just flipping off a switch to turn off their feelings.  Although no one wants to endure suffering, denying your feelings will only prolong the pain.  Sometimes, it takes a lot more time than we would like.  You might think you can just "move on," but your heart might tell you a different story about what it needs to heal.

Isolating Won't Help You to Overcome the Emotional Pain
Other people do the opposite:  They isolate themselves from everyone and vow to never date or get involved in another relationship again because they don't want to go through the loss and emotional pain again.

Unfortunately, You Can't Avoid Loss and Pain
Vowing that you'll never open yourself up to loss and pain again isn't helpful and it's not realistic because, unfortunately, loss is part of life.  Even someone who is in a loving. long term  relationship knows that if s/he doesn't die first, the spouse or partner will die at some point.  Should they have never gotten involved so they could avoid the pain?  Most people would say no.

So, how do you maintain a balance that's right for you by neither trying to push your feelings down  nor vowing to spend the rest of your life as a hermit?

Here are some tips that might be helpful:

Awareness
Burying your feelings, whether you do it by going into a social whirl, drinking too much or using drugs (which I obviously don't advise), or hiding out isn't going to help you in the long run.  It might feel good momentarily, but those unexpressed thoughts and feelings will usually come right back, sometimes stronger than before.  So, being mindfully aware, although it might be momentarily unpleasant, helps you, in the long run, to overcome the emotional pain.

Acceptance
Denial isn't going to help you in the long run.  The more time and energy you spend trying to resist the pain, the longer it will take to go through it.

Why is this so?  Because the only way to overcome the hurt is accepting it and going through it.  There's no going around it, as much as you might want to avoid the emotional pain.  While you don't need to feel these painful feelings every minute of everyday, you need to take time to allow yourself to grieve.

Often, emotional pain, similar to physical pain, comes in waves.  You can feel the intensity of the pain as it rises.  It often hits a peak, then you cry, write in a journal, talk to a friend, see your therapist, or do whatever it is you do to cope in a healthy way that helps you to deal with these feelings.  After a period, the feelings usually subside for a while until they begin to intensify again.  This could happen many times in one day.

Knowing that the emotional pain usually comes in waves is helpful.  It's rare that a person would feel 100% overwhelmed with emotional pain 24/7, just as it's rare that physical pain is always off the charts all the time.  It ebbs and flows.  Usually, when people become more mindful of what's happening to them, they realize that there are some moments that are better than others.  But it gets easier over time if you accept the fact that there will be pain, there will be some bad moments, and, in time, there will be some good moments too.

Action
Acceptance doesn't mean passivity.  It doesn't mean you accept that there's nothing you can do ever to make yourself feel better ever again.

You can take healthy steps to feel better:

• Taking extra care of yourself is very important when you're going through a heartbreak:  eating nutritiously, getting enough rest, pampering yourself in healthy ways
• Maintaining contact with your emotional support system  
• Writing in your journal 

If you've gone through a heartbreak before, at least, you know that it usually gets better with time.  You also know that you got through it and went on with your life.  You might have felt, initially, that time should have stopped when you got hurt, but it didn't, as cruel as that felt at the time.  But remember:  You got through it.

Getting Help in Therapy 
Self care and emotional support from your loved ones is very important when you're in emotional pain, but it might not be enough.  Your loved ones care about you and that's important, but they won't know how to help you work through the pain in the way a skilled psychotherapist knows how to do it.

Working through the emotional pain in therapy can help you to mourn and heal, so rather than continuing to suffer, you could benefit from seeing a licensed therapist who has experience helping people to overcome the emotional pain involved with a breakup.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to work through their emotional pain so they could go on to live fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, read my articles:
Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships
Overcoming the Fear of Falling In Love Again and Getting Hurt
The Creation of a "Holding Environment" in Psychotherapy
Journal Writing Can Relieve Stress and Anxiety

Your Spouse Cheated on You: Should You Stay or Should You Go?

Many clients in my psychotherapy practice in New York City have told me, over the years, that if their spouse ever cheated on them, they would leave their marriage--there would be no if's and's or but's about it.  

Should You Stay or Should You Go?

These are mostly clients who have had problems in their relationships, but infidelity wasn't one of them. But I have found that for couples where one of the spouses has been unfaithful, many of them decide to work it out and try to regain trust.  And many clients who were sure they would leave if their spouse cheated often feel differently when they're faced with this problem.

Infidelity: Should You Stay or Should You Go?  No One Can Decide For You

Infidelity is a topic where many people have strong feelings, one way or the other.  And, of course, no two couples are alike, and no one can tell anyone else what's best for the other person's relationship.  It's up to each couple to decide.

There are many individuals who decide to try to work out their marriage even after the other spouse has cheated.  Often, this is a very hard decision to make because of all the emotional pain and anger involved, as well as the judgment that well-meaning friends and families have about the decision to try to reconcile that the hurt spouse has made.

Well-Meaning Loved Ones Aren't Always Helpful
Clients, who decide to stay with a spouse who has cheated, often tell me that they have looked to their friends and family for support.  But, instead, they experience their loved ones as being critical about their decision.  They hear comments from them, like "Once a cheater, always a cheater."  And this makes them feel very alone and unsupported.

Let's take a look at one possible scenario where a spouse decides to try to work out her marital problems after her husband cheated.  As always, this is a fictionalized case based on a composite of many cases so there is no breach of confidentiality:

Ann and Bob:
Ann and Bob, who were both in their 50s, were married for 25 years when Bob confessed that he had been having an affair for the last few weeks.  Bob was filled with guilt and remorse, and could barely look at Ann when he told her about the affair.  He told her the affair was over, and he wanted to stop lying to Ann about where he was going and work things out in their marriage, if Ann was willing.

Ann had no idea that Bob was having an affair.  Her initial reaction was shock.  She never would have imagined in a million years that Bob would cheat on her with another woman.  They had been "high school sweethearts," raised two children together who were on their own, given each other emotional support during the deaths of each of their parents, and stayed together through thick and thin.

At first, Ann wasn't even sure how to respond to Bob.  As the initial shock wore off, she began to feel waves of emotional pain that she felt would overtake her.  She felt like she was in a dream.  Everything felt so unreal.  She was sure she would wake up from this nightmare and everything would be back to normal. But when she saw Bob crying, she knew this was no dream, and she told him she needed time to think about what he told her.  In the meantime, she asked him to go to a hotel for a few days to give her time and space to think, so Bob moved out for a few days.

When Ann called her best friend, Mary, for emotional support, Mary was also in disbelief because, she said, "Bob didn't seem the type."  Then, she advised Ann to contact a lawyer and get a divorce.  But Ann knew she wasn't ready to do this.  She called her older sister, Karen, who was also shocked.  Karen told Ann that Ann could stay with her until Bob packed up his things and moved into his own apartment.  But Ann wasn't sure she wanted Bob to move out permanently.  The problem was that she wasn't sure what to do.

After a few days of crying and staying in bed with the covers over her head, Ann told Bob that he could come back so they could talk.  She was still filled with a lot of emotional pain and rage, but she felt she and Bob needed to communicate and she needed answers.  She felt that if he could just explain what happened, maybe she could begin to wrap her mind around this situation.

When Bob came home, he was very sheepish.  Ann could see that he was filled with regret and concern for her.  Although she was furious with him, part of her felt a certain compassion for him.  She thought to herself, "Normally, if he looked so sad and upset, I would be the one comforting him, but I can't comfort him now.  I'm so hurt and angry that I can barely take care of myself."

Bob began by apologizing to Ann again and telling her that he knew that, in having the affair, he was selfish and he never meant to hurt her.  He knew there were no reasons that could justify his infidelity.  Then, he explained, with much difficulty, how the affair began after having drinks with a woman he met at a conference, who lived in L.A. and who was in NY for a few weeks.

Bob couldn't explain what happened to him.  He couldn't understand it himself, but he knew that this other woman meant nothing to him.  And, when he came to his senses, he ended it.  He considered not telling Ann, but he knew it would eat away at him and he felt this secret would come between them, so he decided to tell her.  If he knew nothing else, he said, he knew that he still loved Ann very much, he didn't want to "throw away" 25 years of marriage, and he wanted to try to work it out with her, if she could forgive him, so they could be together for the rest of their lives.

Ann had hoped that some explanation would help her to understand how Bob, a dedicated husband and father, could stray from their marriage. But, after Bob spoke, she felt no closer to understanding it than before.  She was confused as well as hurt and angry.

As the weeks passed and they tiptoed around each other, Ann wondered if she played some role in this.  She was clear that Bob was responsible for his own actions, but she also knew that their marriage was made up of two people, and maybe there were problems in the marriage that contributed to Bob's infidelity in some way.

Her older sister and best friend were urging Ann to leave Bob.  Ann understood their concerns, but she knew she wasn't ready to just throw away their marriage, even though she didn't know if she could ever trust him again or ever get over the hurt and pain.

Feeling very alone, she began her own individual therapy to sort out her feelings.  Bob also began his own therapy to deal with his guilt and sadness and sort out his feelings about what he did.  After a couple of months, both therapists recommended that Ann and Bob go to couples counseling because it was obvious that each of them wanted to try to salvage their marriage.  Ann also stopped talking to her sister and best friend about her marital problems because talking to them only confused her more.

During their marriage counseling sessions, Bob and Ann had a chance to begin to reconcile their problems.  It wasn't easy, and there were times when Ann wanted to give up, but she stuck it out.  They began to look at the problems in their marriage that they had swept under the rug, including that they had not had sex with each other in more than five years, mostly because Ann wasn't feeling that sexual.

The work was slow and painful.  But they each had their own individual therapist to help them with feelings that came up in their marriage counseling and at home.  Over time, Ann and Bob began to feel that they could start to move on. Ann felt she could, slowly, begin to trust Bob again.  She felt that the open wound she felt as being cavernous was beginning to heal.  They began to be emotionally and sexually intimate again.  She took each day as it came, and she tried not to look too far ahead.

Trying to regain trust after a spouse cheats is a very complicated process.  For many people, there's no going back once it has occurred.  They work out their emotional pain without their spouse, but it can  affect their ability to enter into future relationships and trust again.  It's not so easy to just "move on," as friends might advise.

For other people, who aren't ready to give up on the relationship, it can feel overwhelming to sort through the many psychological layers involved.  When a couple decides to try to work out their relationship, if possible, it's best for them to be in couples counseling and for each person to have their own therapist.

Even though people who are close to you might feel that they know what's best for you, no one knows better than you and your spouse about your relationship so, although your loved ones might be well meaning, it's up to each of you in the relationship to decide what's best for you as individuals and, if  you remain together, as a couple.

Getting Help in Therapy 
If you and your spouse are dealing with the emotional pain involved with infidelity, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed psychotherapist who has worked with this problem before.  

Most skilled therapists who have expertise with this problem will be objective and not try to steer you to either break up or stay together.  The role of the therapist is to help you decide what's best for you.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcome the Trauma that Keeps You Stuck in Emotional Pain

People often start psychotherapy to overcome trauma that keeps them stuck and in emotional pain.   My experience, as a psychotherapist in private practice in NYC, is that EMDR is a safe and effective form of therapy for trauma when practiced by a licensed, skilled EMDR therapist.

Trauma That Keeps You Stuck in Emotional Pain

Getting Into Relationships With Romantic Partners Who Keep Hurting You
There are many situations that cause people to get retraumatized in their lives.  One of them is when people keep getting into relationships with romantic partners who hurt them.  Why does this keep happening to certain people over and over again?  Is it just bad luck or is there something deeper going on?


Of course, every situation is different, but it's often true that when someone keeps getting into relationships with people who cause them emotional pain, they're unconsciously repeating an old pattern from their childhood.  This phenomenon usually involves unresolved childhood trauma that keeps getting repeated in one relationship after the next.

It's usually hard to see this phenomenon on your own and it's even harder to try to change it by yourself without help from a skilled psychotherapist.

Let's take a look at a fictionalized example, which is a composite of many different psychotherapy cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

Susan
By the time Susan came to therapy, she was at her wit's end.  Her two-year relationship with Sam was falling apart, and she came to our psychotherapy consultation hoping she could find out what she was doing "wrong" so she could save her relationship.

Originally, Susan wanted to attend couples counseling, but Sam wanted no part of this.  He came to the consultation because she begged him to, but he made it clear that he wasn't interested in couples counseling.  In fact, 10 minutes into the consultation, he dropped a bomb by telling Susan that he wanted "out" and he was waiting until our appointment to let her know so that Susan would have a place to deal with the emotional aftermath of their breakup.  And, having said that, Sam stood up, gave Susan back her apartment keys and left the session, leaving Susan in tears.

I wish I could say that this is very unusual during a consultation.  But, unfortunately, this wasn't the first time that two people came in to talk about their relationship where one person used the session to bail out.

After I helped Susan to calm down, she said that, although she was surprised, this wasn't totally out of character for Sam, and he had a way of bailing out when the going got tough.  Their dynamic would be that she would pursue him when he left and take all the blame for their relationship not working.

Apparently, Sam never had to take any responsibility.  They just resumed their relationship with Susan "walking on eggshells," hoping that Sam wouldn't leave again.

When this happened during the consultation, Susan wanted to pursue Sam again, but she agreed to stay to talk about what happened.

They reconciled after Susan's first session.  But during the next month, Sam was in and out of their relationship on a weekly basis whenever things got tense.  Susan was working in therapy to change her behavior so that she wasn't continually graveling before Sam.

In our therapy sessions, she began to realize, for the first time, how awful she was being treated by Sam.  She also became exhausted with their on again/off again relationship until, finally, she decided that she just couldn't do it any more, and she allowed him to leave without pursuing him again.

Without the chaos, we were able to explore how this dynamic, which went on in her prior romantic relationships, was a recreation of her relationship with her father, who was a cold distant man.  He would manipulate Susan's mother and Susan by constantly threatening to leave the family when he didn't get his way.

This resulted in Susan's mother allowing him to use the family savings for very risky business ventures which usually failed and left the family on the brink of financial disaster.  Susan's mother was so afraid of the father abandoning her and Susan that she would give in to his outlandish schemes.

Susan grew up to be an anxious child who had nightmares of her father leaving her stranded in the middle of nowhere.  She was so afraid of being abandoned by her father that, even at the young age of five, she would take on the blame for whatever her father was angry about.

Children at that age often blame themselves for their parents' problems, and Susan was no exception. The problem was that there was no one to tell her that she wasn't to blame.  Her mother was too overwhelmed and preoccupied with accommodating the father, so she wasn't emotionally available to comfort Susan.  And Susan's father was too narcissistic to feel any empathy for Susan.  He was mostly concerned about getting his way.

So, when Susan began dating, she continually chose men who were like her father because these men were familiar.  It was also her way, in an unconscious effort, to try to have a different outcome than what she experienced as a child.  In other words, she was still trying to be the "good girl" in her relationship who would be so good, kind and accommodating that her boyfriend would love her and never leave her.  Except it never worked out that way because these men were too self involved and didn't have the capacity to be part of a loving relationship.  So, these relationships didn't end well.

When Susan was able to see that she was repeating the same pattern over and over again, it was an eye-opening experience for her.  But she felt it would be impossible for her to change.

We began talking about EMDR, a trauma therapy that was developed by Francine Shapiro, Ph.D.  And she agreed to try it.  After spending several sessions developing internal resources and coping skills, we began our EMDR work on the current situation but focusing more on the older trauma that was getting emotionally triggered in Susan's relationships as an adult.

As we worked through her emotional trauma, Susan began to feel more confident and less burdened by her traumatic past.  With EMDR, she was able to work through the current and prior trauma so she  was free of her traumatic past.

EMDR Therapy 
EMDR, which stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing isn't magical.  But I have found it to be one of the most effective forms of trauma therapy--much more effective than regular talk therapy.

Many of the clients that come to see me for psychotherapy have had a lot of talk therapy and they have developed intellectual insight into their problems.  But they haven't healed and they continue to be affected by their trauma.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you have unresolved trauma that keeps you stuck and in emotional pain, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed psychotherapist who is an EMDR practitioner.

About me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, Somatic Experiencing and EMDR therapist who works with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Thinking About Going to Therapy? How Do You Know When the Time is Right?

Knowing when it's time to begin psychotherapy isn't always easy for people, especially if they have misconceptions about therapy and who attends therapy (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Are You Thinking About Going to Therapy? How Do You Know When the Time is Right?

People Are Better Informed About Psychotherapy These Days, So There is Less of a Stigma to Attending Therapy
Fortunately, there is less of a stigma attached to attending psychotherapy now than there used to be even 10 or 15 years ago because, generally, people are better informed about therapy.  But there are still people who assume that only "crazy people" need to attend therapy or that people who attend therapy are "weak."  These are big misconceptions about therapy and who should attend psychotherapy (see my article: Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Going to Therapy Means You're Weak).

In reality, psychotherapy is a common form of treatment that is used by people who are quite sane, but who need help to overcome certain obstacles in their lives that they've been unable to overcome on their own.

Keys to Knowing When to Seek Help From a Licensed Psychotherapist:

• You've Tried to Work Out Your Problems On Your Own, But Your Problems Remain Unresolved:  One of the keys to knowing when to seek help from a licensed psychotherapist is when you've tried to work out your problems on your own, but nothing that you've done so far has worked.  Self care is very important--eating nutritious food, getting enough rest, and engaging in exercise that's right for you.  But there are certain problems that don't go away with just self care, and you need the expertise of a licensed mental health professional to help you overcome your problems.

• You've Talked to Loved Ones About Your Problems, But Nothing Has Changed:  Another key to knowing when to attend therapy is after you've talked to friends and loved ones about your problems, but nothing has changed. While it's very important to have a strong emotional support system, there are times when your loved ones cannot help you to overcome your emotional problems because they don't have objectivity or the psychological expertise to help you.  That's when you can benefit from seeing a licensed psychotherapist.

• You've Read Self Help Books, But You Still Have Problems:  Self help books can be helpful to a certain extent.  They often provide you with simple tips for getting through the day and managing your problems, which is important.  But the problem is that self help books are written in a general way, and there's no way that the author can know your particular problem.  While you might get good advice, if you're still in emotional pain, you need to seek the help of a licensed mental health professional.

• You've Spoken to Your Medical Doctor, But Your Emotional Problems Persist: Many people start by talking to their medical doctors about their emotional problems.  This is often a good idea if there's some question as to whether your problems are related to a medical problem.  For instance, if you're having headaches, you can't just assume that it's stress.  It could be related to a medical issue.  Once your doctor has ruled out that your problems aren't of a medical nature and, in fact, the problems are of a psychological nature, it's important to get help from an experienced therapist who has expertise in your particular problem.

• You've Tried Medication, But You're Still in Emotional Pain: The pharmaceutical companies have been doing a lot of advertising on TV, the Internet, and magazines.  The impression that many people are left with is that you just pop a pill and you'll be cured.  This appeals to anyone who wants a "magic bullet" to cure their problems.  But usually, it's more complicated than that.  There are times when psychotropic medication has been shown to be no more effective than a placebo.  There are also many people who don't like the side effects of medication.  This doesn't mean that people should stop taking their medication.  What it does mean is that it's often not the answer to solving people's emotional pain.  And, even when psychotropic medication is effective, research has shown that the combination of psychotherapy and medication tends to be the most effective in working through psychological problems.

Getting Help in Therapy
I usually recommend that clients come in for a consultation before we begin to work together.  This gives both of us a chance to meet and see if we are a good match.  You might not be able to tell from one session, but I usually encourage people to trust their instincts when they're choosing a therapist, and also to choose a therapist who has expertise in the particular area where you're having a problem.

When you call to make an appointment for a consultation, you can ask about a therapist's expertise and experience.

I've also included a link for an article (below) about common misconceptions about psychotherapy.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, you can call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Read my article:
Common Myths About Psychotherapy

The Emotional Vulnerability of Being in a Romantic Relationship

Being in an intimate relationship can be one of the most healing experiences in your life when you feel loved and nurtured in your relationship.  At the same time, it can also be one of the most hurtful experiences when the one you love hurts you.

The Emotional Vulnerability of Being in a Romantic Relationship

It's often hard for many people to understand how it's possible for both things to be true at the same time in the same relationship, but this is a common experience.  Let's go beyond the surface and take a deeper look at these experiences, which can seem so contradictory, but really aren't.

Intimate Relationships
When you're in a serous relationship, you're in an intimate relationship.  Emotional intimacy can bring both feelings of love and nurturance as well as emotional pain because your spouse or partner is the closest person to you emotionally in your adult life.

When someone is that close to you emotionally, mentally, physically, and sexually, there is the potential for him or her to say or do things, often unintentionally, that can hurt on a much deeper level than it would if someone else did or said the same thing.

Expectations That the One You Love Will Always Be There For You Emotionally
There is often an expectation that the one you love will always be there for you emotionally and will never hurt you.  In a perfect world, this would be true.  But we don't live in a perfect world and people often say and do things that hurt our feelings.  When it's the person who is closest to you, it not only hurts--it feels unjust.

It's important to make a distinction at this point:  What I'm referring to are common, occasional interactions between two people in a relationship--not physical abuse, frequent emotional abuse or major breaches of mistrust like infidelity.  I've written blog articles in the past about these topics and, of course, these are the most hurtful.  Here are some common examples of what I'm talking about:

Examples:
You and your partner get into an argument and, in anger and without thinking, he makes a critical remark about your weight gain.  You feel hurt and angry.

You come home happy and excited to tell your spouse about a major accomplishment at work and your spouse, who is tired and distracted, barely pays attention to what you're saying.  You feel hurt and deflated that he isn't sharing what was, until now, a happy moment for you.

You come home from a difficult day at work and feel the need for a little tender loving care from your spouse, but she is under a lot of stress too and tells you to look for another job if you're unhappy with your current job.  You feel hurt and misunderstood because you're not getting what you need at the moment.

As you can see from these example, these are hurtful experiences, but they're not, by themselves, reasons to end an otherwise good and stable relationship.  But, at the time, any of these experiences can leave you wondering, at that moment, how someone, who is usually loving and caring towards you, can be so unattuned to what you're feeling at that point in time.  You might say to yourself, "How can this be the same person who's usually so there for me and loves me?"

How You Respond to Your Partner Often Depends Upon Your Childhood History
How you respond to these occasional hurts often depends upon your childhood history.  So, on the one hand, if you were fortunate enough to grow up in a loving, nurturing home, you might feel hurt and annoyed at the moment, but when your spouse or partner apologizes for being so thoughtless, you'll  probably forgive him or her and make up, knowing that, as human beings, we all make mistakes.

Current Emotional Pain Can Trigger Emotional Pain From Childhood Trauma
On the other hand, if you had a traumatic childhood where there was a lot of physical or emotional abuse or emotional neglect, you might respond differently, especially if you haven't worked through your traumatic history.

For someone with an emotionally traumatic childhood history, even relatively minor slights can feel big.   This is because current hurts often trigger old hurts.  So, what happens is that you're not only feeling the emotional hurt from the present, you're also feeling the emotional pain from the past.  But it usually happens so fast that it's hard to distinguish the two feelings.

So, you often won't recognize that your emotional reaction contains the older traumatic feelings.  And your spouse or partner might not understand why you might be having such a big reaction to what's happening between you.  In turn, this can lead to more arguments and misunderstandings.

Getting Help in Therapy
There's no such thing as a perfect relationship.  Whenever you're in a stable, intimate relationship, it can cut both ways where you feel loved most of the time and you feel some emotional pain occasionally.  This is a common experience.

But if you realize, once you've calmed down, that your reactions to occasional emotional misattunements are out of proportion to what's going on in your current relationship, you might be responding to unresolved trauma, and you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who works with trauma.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many clients to overcome emotional trauma so that they could live more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What Makes So-Called "Bad Boys" So Irresistible to Many Women? Brain Chemistry Might Be Part of the Answer

Are you a woman who usually falls for men who are considered so-called "bad boys" and neither you nor your friends understand why these guys are so irresistible to you?

What Makes So-Called "Bad Boys" So Irresistible to Many Women?

It Seems Counterintuitive: Women Who Are Usually Stable and Responsible Fall for "Bad Boys" 
Often, it seems completely counterintuitive because the woman who falls for "bad boys" is often the woman who is the most stable, responsible and kind person who never gets into trouble herself, but she falls in love with guys who are edgy, constantly in trouble, emotionally unavailable and sometimes abusive, and constantly breaking her heart.

Just a note before I go on:  I'm using the phrase "bad boys" as a shorthand expression that most people understand without having to go into a lot of detail.  But, in fact, I have a lot of empathy for these men, who often have a long history of trauma, and underneath that tough exterior, there's often a lot of fear and shame.  Of course, working with them as a psychotherapist is different from being in a romantic relationship or married to them and in a lot of emotional pain. 

Why Are So Many Women Drawn to "Bad Boys"?
There can be as many reasons as there are women who fall for guys who have a reputation for being "bad."

Some psychotherapists believe that women who are drawn to "bad boys" are working through unresolved trauma from their family history, especially if they had a father who was unreliable, irresponsible, and emotionally abusive.

Other psychotherapists believe that this dynamic involves a woman's need to "rescue" the man, who is often traumatized and in need of a lot of emotional support.

Other therapists believe that women in these types of relationships are masochistic.

All of the above theories, either individually or in combination, might apply to some women sometimes, but it often doesn't explain this dynamic for many women who had loving, stable fathers and who are not masochistic or in need of rescuing people.

The Brain Reward Circuit and an Irresistible Attraction to "Bad Boys"
Another interesting theory, proposed by Richard A. Friedman, MD, in his article, "I Heart Unpredictable Love" (NY Times) is that this type of attraction involves the brain reward circuit (see link below for the article).

According to Dr. Friedman, the brain reward circuit is a primitive part of the brain that is exquisitely attuned to rewards, whether they are rewards of money, sex, or food.

When the reward is unanticipated, the circuit releases dopamine which gives the person a pleasurable and exciting feeling.

Unpredictable Love and the Brain Reward Circuit

As a result, when you're involved with someone who is unpredictable, as so-called "bad boys" tend to be, you get a sense of pleasure and excitement from the brain reward circuit.  This, in turn, fuels your attraction and obsession, from the brain reward circuit.

It can feel like an "addiction" in much the same way that people who gamble compulsively feel addicted to gambling.  The difference is that you're "gambling" with the unpredictable nature of the relationship as well as your own well-being.

Often, you're unaware of this sense of pleasure and excitement that's being generated by the brain reward circuit.  In fact, your rational mind might be telling you that this guy isn't at all good for you and you should stay away.  But when the brain reward circuit is releasing the dopamine, you might find yourself with this "bad boy" despite what you know rationally.

Does This Mean That You'll Always Be Attracted to "Bad Boys" For the Rest of Your Life?
I've worked with many women who found themselves irresistibly drawn to so-called "bad boys" and who were able to overcome this problem.

Unfortunately, for some women, it often takes a lot of emotional pain before they override their brain chemistry to make healthy choices for themselves.  But just because you feel a sense of pleasure and excitement doesn't mean that you can't make healthy decisions for yourself.  You can.

Getting Help in Therapy
Relationships with "bad boys" can take its toll on you physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. That's a high price to pay.  And many women discover that, after being in a few of these types of relationships, they aren't as emotionally resilient as they used to be and it gets harder to move on.

If you have tried on your own to stop getting in emotionally unhealthy relationships, but you can't do it on your own, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional.

If you're motivated to change, you can learn how to override the impulse to get involved with men who are constantly hurting you.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, read my blog article:
The Heartbreak of the On Again-Off Again Relationship

I Heart Unpredictable Love - by Richard A. Friedman - New York Times