The Psychological Stages of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is one of the most misunderstood concepts.

See my articles: 

Does Forgiving Mean Forgetting?

Asking For Forgiveness: The Power to Make Amends

Deciding Whether or Not to Forgive Your Father

Deciding Whether or Not to Forgive Your Parents

The Psychological Stages of Forgiveness

Most people think that if they forgive someone who has hurt them, they're doing it for this person.  But getting to the point where you forgive someone is something that you do for yourself in order not to continue carrying around hurt and anger inside you.

When you've been hurt, you're not always ready to forgive the other person immediately.  This is normal, especially if the person really hurt or betrayed you.  It might take time--if you decide to forgive this person at all.

Psychological Stages of Forgiveness
Everyone is different, so even though I'm outlining these psychological stages of forgiveness, recognize that each person goes through the process in his or her own unique way.  Also, the stages aren't necessarily linear, and you can go back and forth between these different stages before you reach a resolution for yourself.

• Understand What Happened:  If you have been unexpectedly hurt or betrayed by someone close to you, it can be such a shock to you that you might need time to understand what happened.  Instead of being hasty before you know the details, make sure  you understand the situation and the circumstances.

• Understand Your Own Feelings About What Happened:  Once you've determined the details of what happened and you think you have the facts, you might not be sure how you feel about it initially, especially if the hurt or betrayal was unexpected.  You will probably need time to absorb what happened and sort out your feelings.  Take time before you say or do anything that you might regret, including "brushing things under the rug" because you don't want to deal with it (Coping With Secrets and Lies in Your Relationship).

The Psychological Stages of Forgiveness

• Be Aware That Complete Forgiveness Doesn't Usually Come All At Once:  Once you understand what happened and you've had time to sort out your feelings, you might have an intention to forgive the other person.  But despite your intention, complete forgiveness might not happen all at once.  Forgiving someone for a very hurtful situation usually happens from surface to depth.  In other words, you make a commitment to yourself and the other person that you want to accept an apology, but that doesn't mean that everything is back to normal between the two of you.  It might be a while (if ever) before you trust this person again.

• Be Clear On What You Mean When You Say You Accept an Apology:  If you still need time before you resume your relationship with this person, tell him or her this.  Let the other person know that this will be a process for both of you.  Or, if you have decided that the hurt or the betrayal was so great that you can't continue the relationship, you can accept the apology without an understanding that "everything is back to normal" and try to have closure, if possible (see my articles: Coping With a Close Friend's Betrayal and Learning to Trust Again After a Major Setback or Loss).

• Don't Use the Forgiveness Process as a Power Play:  Whether or not you decide to forgive the person who hurt you is up to you.  As I mentioned earlier, the process of forgiveness is for you, not the other person.  But if you know that you want to eventually forgive this person, don't use this as a power play by holding your forgiveness over the other person's head as a bargaining chip.

Getting Help in Therapy
There are some situations, especially in cases of major betrayal or abuse, where you might be confused as to how you feel and what you want to do.

If you've tried to get clear on your own feelings and you're still confused, you could benefit from getting help from a skilled psychotherapist (see my articles: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

While you don't have to continue to have this person in your life if it will make you unhappy, holding onto anger and resentment is only going to hurt you more (see my article: Holding Onto Anger is Like Drinking Poison and Expecting the Other Person to Die).

Rather than allowing hurt and anger to eat away at you, you could work through your feelings with a licensed mental health professional who can help you through the situation and provide you with the necessary tools for you to have closure and move on with your life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients through the psychological stages of forgiveness.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Moving Past Your Regrets

Most adults have at least one major regret in their lives that they hold onto and feel unhappy about. Generally speaking, older people tend to be more unhappy about their regrets because they have less time to rectify what they regret or it might be too late for them.  But just holding onto regrets just makes you feel increasingly unhappy, so it's important to learn to let go and move past your regrets.

Moving Past Your Regrets

What are Some of the Most Common Regrets?
While there are many different kinds of regrets, some of the most common regrets tend to involve:

Relationship issues:

• Missing an opportunity to get to know someone who, in hindsight, turned out to be someone you would have wanted to know
• Leaving a romantic relationship too quickly
• Staying in a relationship too long
• Neglecting your relationship
• Contributing to the demise of a relationship due to infidelity

Family issues:

• Being estranged from family members
• Allowing arguments to fester and harden 
• Refusing to accept an apology
• Neglecting to spend enough time with family members

Career decisions:

• Spending more time at work and missing out on family time
• Working too much and missing out on having fun
• Taking a job solely for the money where there is no job satisfaction
• Quitting a job prematurely

Moving Past Your Regrets: Career and Financial Decisions

Financial issues:

• Overspending and running up credit cards to the point of ruining your credit
• Giving into immediate gratification and not saving enough money for the long term, like a house or an apartment or retirement (see my article:  Learn to Stop Overspending as a Way to Deal with Your Uncomfortable Feelings)
• Feeling buyer's remorse with regard to buying a house or any big purchases 

A Life Without Substance or Meaning:

• Neglecting to consider what's really meaningful to you (see my article: A Search for a Meaningful Life)
• Focusing mostly on short-term pleasure rather than contributing to the well-being of your loved ones, your community and yourself

Moving Past Your Regrets:  Developing a Meaningful Life

See my article:  Listening to Your Inner Voice to Discover Your "Calling" in Life.

Health issues:

• Neglecting and, possibly ruining, your health by not developing a health conscious lifestyle
• Procrastinating about important health issues

How to Move Past Your Regrets When You Can Make Changes:  

Take Action
It's important to take action whether it's external or internal.

So, for instance, if you and a family member are estranged because you severed ties with him or her, assess the situation and consider whether you can take steps to make amends.

You might try sending a carefully written letter or email expressing your regret, owning up to your mistakes, and asking for a reconciliation.  Then, you need to honor his or her response, including a refusal to accept your apology or a lack of response (see my article:  When Your Efforts to Make Amends Are Rejected).

Moving Past Your Regrets:  Taking Action

Another example is that if you've gained a lot of weight and it's starting to affect your health, rather than berating yourself, see your doctor and find out what she or he recommends so you can start to take better care of yourself.  Set reasonable goals for yourself (see my article: Achieving Your Goals: Learn to Celebrate Small Successes Along the Way to the Final Goal).

If you've spent most of your life pursuing trendy lifestyle choices, take some time to think about what's really important to you in the long run.  If your life, so far, has left you feeling spiritually and emotionally bankrupt, spend time journaling about your core values and how you can live your life so you honor those values (see my article:  Journal Writing Can Help to Relieve Stress and Anxiety).

Accept What You Can't Change
Let's face it:  There will be areas of your life that you regret that you won't be able to change for a variety of reasons.

There are many people who reach the end of their lives and they regret decisions they've made that are too late to change.

As a psychotherapist, I've heard many stories of people who, at the end of their lives, were unable to reconcile with estranged siblings or children.  This is one of the biggest emotional challenges to face when you're close to death.  And for those of us who are younger and healthier, it's a lesson to be learned:  Don't wait until it's too late.

But even if you're not at the end of your life, there will be things that you can't change and which you'll have to accept.

Consider the Lessons You've Learned
If you can make changes and avoid making the same mistakes in the future, that's great.

But even if you can't change what you regret, you can let go of it and realize that you probably learned a valuable lesson that can help you in other areas of your life.

Stop Berating Yourself, Forgive Yourself, and Accept that You're Human
Continuing to beat yourself up for things you did or didn't do won't change anything.  It just makes you feel worse.

Moving Past Your Regrets:  Practice Self Compassion and Learn to Forgive Yourself

A healthy dose of self compassion can go a long way to helping you towards acceptance, letting go, and moving past your regrets.

Getting Help in Therapy
Regret is a common reaction that many people struggle with throughout their lives.

Many people have a very hard time letting go of regrets that continue to haunt them.

Getting Help in Therapy

A licensed mental health practitioner, who has expertise in helping people to let go of regrets, can help you to make peace with yourself so you can develop a healthier sense of well being.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to let go of past regrets.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Nurturing Your Relationship

Being in a relationship can be one of the most loving, gratifying and fulfilling experiences of your life. It can also be challenging.  Every relationship has its ups and downs.  Whether you're going through a good time or a challenging time, it's important to remember that all relationships need nurturing.

Nurturing Your Relationship

Often, people who are in relationships, especially long term relationships, forget that their relationship needs love and care.  Nurturing each other can make the difference between a relationship surviving a rough patch or not.

Here are some tips for nurturing your relationship:

Communicate in a Tactful and Honest Way
In the heat of an argument, it's easy to forget to be tactful.  And, yet, you might regret something that you say that you can't take back once it's out.  Even if you need to take a break from a heated argument, it's important to treat your spouse with respect and care.
See my article: The Challenge of Keeping Small Arguments From Developing Into Big Conflicts in Your Relationship

Provide Each Other with Emotional Support
Listening with empathy can make all the difference even if you can't change whatever your spouse is going through.  You both need to be there for each other.

Show Compassion
During difficult times, your relationship can degenerate fast if you're each blaming each other for your problems.  Put yourself in your spouse's shoes and think about how you would want him or her to respond in a similar situation and then show the same compassion that you would want.
See my article: Relationships: Moving Beyond the Blame Game

Express Gratitude
It's easy to take each other for granted, especially in a long term relationship.  No one wants to feel taken for granted, so express your gratitude to your spouse for the things s/he does or says
See my article:  Relationships: The Importance of Expressing Gratitude to Your Spouse

Persevere Through Difficult Times
Along with providing each other with emotional support, it's important that you both remain committed to each other when things start to get rough.  Of course, this doesn't mean that you should put up with abusive behavior.  But, under normal circumstances, when life presents challenges in your relationship, your attitude to see it through together is important.

Admit When You're Wrong
If you realize that you've made a mistake, it's important to admit it, make amends and move on.  Holding onto an attitude of "I'm right" when you know you made a mistake will only make matters worse
See my article:  Relationships: The Courage to Admit You're Wrong

Have a Sense of Humor
In many situations, seeing the funny side of a situation can help lighten the mood and help you and your spouse to deal with a difficult situation.

Share Common Goals
One of the signs of a happy, healthy relationship is that both people share certain common goals.  This helps to make your relationship more meaningful.

Create Special Times Together
It's very easy to get bogged down with responsibilities and family obligations, but you and your spouse need to have time together for just the two of you.
See my article:  Creating Special Times Together to Enhance Your Relationship

Nurturing Your Relationship:  Creating Special Times Together

Be Open to New Shared Experiences
It's easy to get into a rut in a long term relationship, so being open to new shared experiences can keep your relationship alive and fun.
See my article:  Being Open to New Experiences

Getting Help in Therapy
There are times when couples go through tough times when they're unable to work things out for themselves.  During those times, it can be helpful to seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has experience helping couples to work through their problems.

When you seek help, you're acknowledging to each other that your relationship is important enough to make the commitment to attending couples counseling.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding the Difference Between Guilt and Shame

Guilt and shame are two emotions that are often confused, but there are basic differences between them. In earlier articles about shame, including Overcoming Shame, I discussed shame, what it is, what causes shame, and what can be done to overcome shame.  In this article, I will describe the differences between guilt and shame and give examples to clarify those differences.

Shame vs Guilt

Let's take a look at the differences between guilt and shame:

Differences Between Guilt and Shame:

• Shame is a Pervasive Feeling About Oneself vs Guilt Which is Usually About Behavior: Whereas shame is often a pervasive, negative feeling that people have about themselves that can be emotionally crippling in severe cases ("I'm a bad person"), guilt isn't a feeling about oneself--it's a feeling about a particular behavior ("I did something bad").

• Shame Has No Redeeming Qualities Whereas Guilt Can Lead to Taking Responsibility and to Change: There are no redeeming qualities to being ashamed of oneself.  When people feel ashamed, they feel badly about themselves and it often makes them want to isolate or avoid whatever makes them feel ashamed.   Shame about oneself can actually cause someone to avoid looking at whatever s/he feels ashamed about.  But feeling guilty can force someone to look at himself or herself and take responsibility for negative behavior.  Feeling guilty can have redeeming aspects to it if it leads to people making amends for things they feel badly about doing.  Feeling guilty can lead to making an effort to reconcile with others and to making other changes.  Guilt can help people to avoid making similar mistakes in the future.

• Shame Can Be Longstanding Whereas Guilt is Often Transitory: Whereas feeling guilty about a particular behavior is often temporary, feeling ashamed often goes to the core of how a person feels about him or herself.

• Shame Can Contribute to Depression and Anxiety:  Feeling ashamed can contribute to mental health problems, like depression and anxiety, because it's an overall pervasive feeling about oneself.  It usually goes to the core of how people feel about themselves, whereas guilt usually does not affect people in this way.

Examples of the Difference Between Shame and Guilt

Shame:
Joe felt ashamed because he felt so socially inept that he avoided attending gatherings, including the funeral service for his friend's mother.

Feeling Ashamed and Avoiding People and Situations

His shame had a snowballing effect because not only did he avoid the funeral, but he felt so ashamed of himself that he avoided calling his friend or going to places where he knew his friend would be.  After a while, Joe and his friend became estranged, which made Joe feel even more ashamed.

Guilt:
Sharon felt guilty that she didn't go to her friend's mother's funeral service because the timing was too close to her own mother's death and it was too hard for her.

Feeling Guilty and Apologizing

But she called her friend in advance to express her condolences and offered to see her one-on-one when she knew her friend would be alone and feeling lonely after everyone else had gone.  Her friend accepted her apology and they remained close friends.

Shame:
Betty suffered with a lot of shame because she gained 20 lbs over the last year due to overeating.  Her doctor recommended that Betty see a nutritionist to change her eating habits, seek help in therapy to overcome the underlying issues to her overeating, and go to the gym to exercise.  But Betty felt that her weight gain made her "ugly."

Feeling Ashamed, Isolated and Immobilized

Instead of taking steps to lose weight, she isolated herself at home and continued to berate herself for gaining the weight.   This, in turn, made her feel more ashamed and she continued to overeat to deal with her pervasive feelings of shame.  It became a vicious cycle.

Guilt:
Cindy felt guilty about overeating for the last year and gaining 20 lbs.  Her doctor advised her that Cindy needed to take steps to lose the weight for health reasons.  Cindy knew that she was successful at losing weight in the past and that she could do it again.

Feeling Guilty But Taking Steps to Get Healthy

Rather than dwelling on the fact that she had been overeating, she made a commitment to her doctor and to herself to make important lifestyle changes to get healthy.  Then, she made an appointment with a nutritionist to develop better eating habits.  She contacted a therapist to deal with the underlying issues involved with her overeating.  She also began going to the gym three times a week.  Whenever she was tempted to overeat, she remembered how guilty she felt in the past, and she used that feeling to motivate herself to change.  As she lost weight and got healthier, she felt more motivated to continue getting healthier.

Shame and Guilt Can Be Difficult to Handle on Your Own
While it might be easier to overcome feelings of guilt, as compared to feelings of shame, they can both be difficult to overcome on your own.

Getting Help in Therapy
People who tend to suffer with shame often have a hard time asking for help because they feel they don't deserve it (see my article:  Overcoming the Shame that Keeps You From Going to Therapy).

Getting Help in Therapy

But everybody needs help at some point, especially when it comes to overcoming guilt or shame.

When you work with a licensed psychotherapist who has experience helping clients to overcome guilt or shame, you're usually able to work out these feelings in a way you can't on your own.

Letting go of difficult feelings that are holding you back in your life can free you to lead a happier and more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome feelings of guilt and shame.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

When You Efforts to Make Amends Are Rejected

Making Amends is an Important Part of Life 
All of the 12 Step programs stress the importance of making amends as part of the recovery process. But there are times when attempting to make amends can do more harm than good to you and others. 

When Your Efforts to Make Amends Are Rejected

There are also times when your efforts to make amends might be rejected. A rejection to heartfelt efforts to be forgiven can be very painful.

Often, it takes a lot of soul searching and courage to say, "I'm sorry" to people you have hurt. 

This process of soul searching can take you to the depths of our feelings where you might have avoided going for many years. So, when you humble ourselves and summon the courage to make amends, naturally, you hope to be forgiven.

Making Amends Can Be a Healing Process for Both People, But Not Always

Under favorable circumstances, this can be a healing process for both people. But not always. Sometimes, your process and what might be good for you might not be good for the other person. 

You can't always know what the other person is going through, especially if a lot of time has gone by. Your attempts to make amends might come at a bad time for them. Or accepting your apology might be more than they can deal with at that point in time--or ever. It's not for you to judge.

All We Can Do is Extend the "Olive Branch"

All you can do when you make amends is to extend the "olive branch." And you must do so without expectations, which can be very difficult. 

No matter what you're hoping for by making amends, you must accept the other person's freedom to choose what's best for him or her. 

That means not trying to convince, control or bargain with this other person. To do so would only take away from your effort to make amends. It also devalues the other person's right to determine what's best for him or her.

An Attitude of Acceptance

If your sincere apology is rejected, in order to preserve our own sense of well being,  take an attitude of acceptance, knowing that you've forgiven yourself, or you're on the road to forgiving yourself, regardless of what the other person does. 

Beyond that, you must make a commitment to yourself that you won't offend in this way again.

All of this is part of your healing and recovery. Others might not join us in your journey, and a healthy attitude of acceptance is something to strive for in these circumstances. 

Whether you are part of a recovery community or not, you can benefit from the support of friends, family, and loved ones.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapy

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Does Forgiving Mean Forgetting?

What is the Difference Between Forgiving and Forgetting?
Over the years, I've discovered that there seems to be a lot of confusion about the difference between forgiving and forgetting. Naturally, there are times when they go together, especially when we have a minor disagreement with someone and it's not worth it to remember what happened. But what about when there's a major betrayal or trauma? What does it mean under those circumstances to "forget"?

Does Forgiving Mean Forgetting?

As with many circumstances, there's no one-size-fits-all answer. Every situation is different and no one can tell you what's right for you. But are there times when it would be beneficial not to "forget" what happened? Given the confusion that this topic seems to elicit, I think this question is worth exploring.

What Does it Mean to Forgive Someone?
First of all, let's discuss what it means to forgive someone. Forgiveness doesn't always happen all at once. Forgiveness often happens in stages. We must first have the willingness to forgive, even before we actually forgive. From that willingness usually comes the ability to forgive.

Why Forgive?
But why forgive at all? First and foremost, in my opinion, we forgive to let go of toxic feelings that only serve to eat away at us inside. Depending upon the circumstances, it might take a long time to let go of anger and resentment. When the problem involves abuse or other forms of trauma, it's not unusual for it to be a long process. This is normal, and we shouldn't feel ashamed because we or others think it should take less time.

When we forgive, we have a choice of whether we reconcile with the other person or not. This leads to whether or not we should forget and continue to have this person in our lives. Again, there are no hard and fast rules about this, but self preservation, emotional, physical, and spiritual, must come first. If forgetting means that this person continues to abuse or hurt us, then we owe it to ourselves and our loved ones to be aware and use good judgment, which means not forgetting the incident(s). It means keeping ourselves safe by not going into denial about what happened and that it's likely to happen again.

Now, I understand that people do change and turn their lives around. Someone who has been abusive could change and stop their abusive behavior. But it's often a long, difficult road, and often this behavior doesn't change. So, you have to evaluate your situation in as an objective way as possible before you decide to forget about the abusive behavior, especially if it's been an ongoing pattern.

Does this mean that this person isn't really sorry at the point when he or she says so? Not at all. There is often genuine remorse. The problem is that remorse alone, while important, isn't enough to change a person's behavior, especially where there are ingrained behaviors.

When Forgetting Means Putting Yourself in Harm's Way
When forgetting means keeping you in harm's way, it's a form of self destructive behavior. To get back to our original question about forgiving and forgetting, under circumstances when abusive behavior (of any kind) is likely to continue, forgiving is definitely different from forgetting. To forget what has been an ongoing pattern would lull us into a false sense of security--to our detriment.

Knowing When to Forget and When Not to Forget
Knowing when to forget as well as forgive can be tricky, especially when it involves people that we love. Our own loving feelings towards this person can cloud our judgment so that we only see what we want to see. Under those circumstances, it's usually better to seek the advice of a trusted and impartial friend or family member.

Striving to Heal and Find Meaning in Life
One thing I'd like to clarify is that by "not forgetting" I don't mean that we strive to keep our emotional wounds open and foremost in our minds. What I DO mean is that, while we don't turn a blind eye to what has happened and what might continue to occur, we strive to heal and find whatever meaning there is to find in our circumstances, and we continue to develop and grow.

Forgiving and forgetting is a complex topic and we've only begun to touch the surface, but I hope I've provided, at least, some food for thought and helped anyone struggling with this issue so he or she doesn't feel guilty about "not forgetting" when to do so would be self destructive.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Relationships: Having the Courage to Admit When You Made a Mistake

Many relationships would benefit if one or both people could admit that they made a mistake, make amends for the mistake, and then move on. Instead too many couples end up having long drawn out arguments where nothing gets resolved and both people end up feeling resentful. These are the kind of arguments that tend to erode relationships and often lead to their demise.

Relationships: The Courage to Admit When You've Made a Mistake

Many people feel that to admit a mistake is a sign of weakness. This might be due to messages they received from their family when they were growing up. But, in fact, to be able to admit you're wrong or, at least, that you had a part in creating the problem takes strength and a certain amount of faith that your spouse or partner will forgive you.

Making Amends

We all make mistakes at one time or another. That's what makes us human. Rather than get caught up in an endless cycle of making excuses or deflecting the blame, it's better for you and your relationship to acknowledge your error, apologize, and make amends.

Avoiding Power Struggles

When you're able to admit that you've made a mistake, you also make it easier for your partner to do the same. Rather than getting into power struggles, you can both rely on the sense of integrity that you each feel towards each other and the relationship to carry you through the difficulties that come in any relationship.

Getting Help

If you and your spouse have gotten to the point where you can no longer resolve arguments on your own, you might benefit from couples counseling. An experienced couples counselor can help you to improve communication between you and restore a healthier dynamic in your relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Healing Mother-Daughter Relationships

In my prior two blog posts, I provided some background information about life stages in mother-daughter relationships and I also discussed how early infant bonding and attachment affect mother-daughter relationships: Life Stages in Mother-Daughter Relationships and Mother-Daughter Relationships: Early Bonding. 

Healing Mother-Daughter Relationships

In this blog post, I will discuss how mother-daughter relationships can be healed using a composite vignette, which does not represent any one particular case with no identifying information.

Clinical Vignette

The following vignette is based on a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed to protect confidentiality:

Ellen:
Ellen was a married woman in her early 50s when she first came to see me. She came because she and her adult daughter, Sandy, had difficulties in their mother-daughter relationship since Sandy was an infant. Ellen felt very sad and frustrated that she and Sandy never had a good relationship, and she felt that they were both stuck in a dysfunctional pattern or relating that neither of them knew how to change. Sandy was her only child, and Ellen wanted very much to heal their relationship.

Ellen had given birth to Sandy when Ellen was 18. She hid the pregnancy from her family through most of her pregnancy because she was ashamed and afraid to tell her parents. By her eighth month, she could no longer hide the pregnancy, despite wearing baggy clothes, and she had to tell her parents that she was pregnant. 

Both of her parents were very upset, and they wanted to confront the boy's parents, but Ellen refused to tell them who the father was. She told me that the father was a young man in his early 20s who was visiting NYC, on leave from the Army, and he left for his home town and never knew about her pregnancy.

Ellen's parents decided that they would raise the baby and, Ellen, who dropped out of school in her eighth month, could focus on getting her GED and going to college. She described this time in her life as being very tumultuous. She was aware that her parents were very disappointed in her and they felt that she had "ruined" her life with this pregnancy.

Since all of her parents' relatives lived on the West Coast, Ellen's parents told them that the baby was Ellen's mother's and that she had kept the pregnancy secret because she wasn't sure she would be able to carry the baby to term due to her age. This was the first secret related to Sandy's birth.

When Sandy was born, Ellen's mother took over. Her mother would hardly allow Ellen to hold the baby and she didn't allow her to breast feed the baby. Ellen said that when Sandy was born, she looked upon her more as a doll than as a live baby. Ellen said she felt a deep shame about having a baby out of wedlock, and it was easier for her to go along with her parents' lies than to deal with the truth.

Before she went away to college, Ellen said she remembered many nights when Sandy cried for hours by herself by herself in her crib. Ellen's mother didn't believe in picking up Sandy when Sandy was in distress because she thought that this would spoil her. Her mother also wouldn't allow Ellen to go to her. So, most nights, Sandy cried until she was exhausted without anyone to comfort her. Ellen said this was excruciating for her, and she was glad to go away to college so she didn't have to hear Sandy cry any more.

While she was in college, Ellen visited home occasionally on weekends. She remembers thinking that Sandy was a sullen, irritable, anxious child. Sandy's basic needs (in terms of being feed, bathed and clothed) were taken of, according to Ellen, but Ellen's parents didn't spend much time talking to Sandy or playing with her. 

 She was left in the crib most of the day by herself. Ellen said that her parents were never overly affectionate people, but their behavior was in stark contrast to how they behaved with her when she was younger. She felt that they were not emotionally prepared to take care of Sandy, and they resented it.

According to Ellen, Sandy grew up thinking that Ellen was her older sister. By the time Sandy was old enough to walk and talk, Ellen said she had also convinced herself of this deception too because it was easier for her to live with. She described the difficulties that Sandy had in school. Although she was bright, Sandy had difficulty making friends with other children and she didn't relate well to her teachers.

After Sandy was evaluated and it was determined that she didn't need a medical intervention, the school recommended counseling. Ellen's parents were opposed to counseling, especially after they heard that the whole family had to be involved in the counseling sessions, so they refused at first. 

 But the school administration continued to pressure them and warned that they would contact the Bureau of Child Welfare if they didn't comply with their recommendations, and Sandy might be taken away from them. The principal felt that Sandy was having basic problems relating interpersonally, and if she didn't get help, this could be a lifelong problem for her. So, Ellen's parents relented very reluctantly.

During family counseling, Ellen's parents finally revealed their secret--that Ellen was really Sandy's mother. Ellen said that her mother broke down one day and told the family therapist the truth. 

 The family therapist helped the family to get through this very difficult time. She told Ellen and her parents that Sandy needed to be told. Ellen and her parents struggled with this for a few months but, with the family therapist's help, they prepared themselves to talk to Sandy in session to tell her, in a way that a child might understand, that Ellen was her real mother.

Ellen told me that she felt retraumatized when she and her parents had to reveal the truth to Sandy. Until then, she had gone into a sort of state of denial about being Sandy's mother, and she felt like she was being confronted with it all over again.

According to Ellen, after she was told, Sandy became very angry and she began acting out in school and at home. She stopped talking to Ellen and she vacillated between clinging to Ellen's mother and pushing her away. She behaved in much the same way with Ellen's father. 

During those sessions when Sandy was told the truth about Ellen being her real mother, she was also told that her father lived far away and no one had contact with him. 

Over and over again, the family tried to reassure her that she was much loved by them (even if Ellen's parents had difficulty showing it), but Sandy's school work suffered. Her therapy sessions were increased to three times a week so the family therapist was able to help her get through this crisis.

Soon after that, Ellen moved out of the household to get her own apartment with roommates, and she only went home occasionally to visit her family. She said she made efforts over the years to reconcile with Sandy, but Sandy was very resistant to this. Sandy completed high school and she went on to college. 

She made a few close friends, but she had a lot of problems in her relationships with young men. She tended to choose men who were emotionally unavailable and she was constantly trying to win their affection. According to Ellen, these relationships usually ended in the young men abandoning Sandy.

By now, Sandy was in her mid-30s. As a college graduate, she was underemployed as an office clerk, and she had a succession of roommates over the years. She had not been in a relationship for several years. 

Ellen called Sandy about once every couple of weeks to find out how she was doing, but she said, most of the time, she got Sandy's answering machine and Sandy rarely returned her calls. Whatever she knew about Sandy, she knew from a cousin who moved to NY and who befriended Sandy.

In the early stage of our work together, I helped Ellen to understand what might have gone wrong with Sandy in the early attachment phase when she was an infant. In order for babies to learn how to bond and develop a secure attachment to their primary caregiver (in this case, Ellen's mother), they need to have consist nurturing and care.

Based on Ellen's description of her mother's interactions with Sandy as an infant, it appeared that Sandy's basic needs were taken care of, but there wasn't a lot of nurturing or affection. As a result, Sandy grew up to feel insecure and had difficulties forming relationships. 

I assured Ellen that this didn't mean that Sandy was doomed to continue in this way, but she had to be willing to get psychological help. 

 I told her that the family therapy was probably helpful to her when Sandy was younger, but it seemed, based on Ellen's account, that Sandy probably had a lot of unspoken anger, hurt and resentment towards her. If they were going to heal their relationship, Ellen would have to learn to forgive herself and make amends with Sandy. Sandy would also have to be willing to reconcile.

Our early work together involved helping Ellen to develop emotional resources for herself. Her husband was her main source of external support. She also had supportive, close friends. 

During this period of our work, Ellen grieved for the loss that she felt for not being closer to Sandy when she was a baby. 

She felt that she really missed out on having these early years with her daughter. Ellen also learned to be compassionate with the teenage part of herself who was obviously not equipped on any level to take care of an infant and who had no choice but to go along with her parents' wishes with regard to Sandy.

When she felt ready, she tried to contact Sandy by phone to ask to see her and talk to her, but
Sandy remained unresponsive to her. So, Ellen wrote Sandy a letter in which she expressed her deep sorrow and regret for what happened between them. She asked Sandy to forgive her and told her that she hoped they could develop a better relationship.

Much to Ellen's surprise, Sandy agreed to come in for a therapy session to meet with Ellen and me. It was a very emotional session with lots of anger and tears on Sandy's part and much anguish and pain for Ellen. Sandy agreed to come back for another session a week later. 

Since Ellen had no expectations of how the session would go, she was able to come into her next session with me and talk about how she felt. Even though it was very painful to hear Sandy's anger and pain, Ellen felt that, at least, they were talking in an honest way and the lines of communication were finally open. But she also knew that she could not force Sandy to have a mother-daughter relationship if she was not open to it. At that point, Sandy seemed highly ambivalent.

Ellen and Sandy met with me for several months. It was very rocky at first, but I saw some hope in that they both wanted to continue the process. During our sessions, Sandy developed a psychological curiosity about her own emotional process, and she also began her own individual sessions with a psychotherapist.

Gradually, Ellen and Sandy began to make some progress. 

Just like most psychological changes, it was not a steady line of progress. It was more like two steps forward and one step backwards, but it was progress nonetheless. They began going for coffee after their sessions and, after a while, they were having dinner together. 

Although Sandy was guarded and very cautious at first about opening up, she also seemed, underneath it all, to have a real need for the compassionate, nurturing mother that she never had. By now, Ellen's parents were in their mid-70s and they never really bonded with Sandy.

With Sandy's consent, I also maintained contact with her individual therapist. Her therapist reported that Sandy had formed a rapport with her, and she was making slow, steady progress in treatment. She was beginning to let go of some of her fears about starting to go out with men again, and she eventually met a man that she really liked and who was very interested in her, and emotionally available.

When there is this type of emotional rupture in the mother-daughter relationship, the work tends to be slow. Healing doesn't happen over night, if it happens at all. Trust must be regained over time for both the mother and the daughter.

For mothers and daughters to make amends in these types of situations, there usually needs to be an overarching motivation to transcend their differences. A therapist never knows in advance how this will go in the treatment. 

Healing Mother-Daughter Relationships

Fortunately, for Ellen and Sandy, they were eventually able to develop a belated mother-daughter relationship that they could both feel comfortable with over time. There was nothing magical about it--it involved a lot of sustained, hard work on both of their parts and a willingness to be emotionally vulnerable.

Sandy also tracked down her father who, at that point, was divorced with adult children. After the initial shock of hearing that he had a daughter that he never knew about, he wanted to meet her. Over time, Sandy began taking steps to develop a belated relationship with her biological father.

Conclusion
I hear from both mothers and daughters in this type and other types of relationships. Sometimes, they decide to come in after many years of estrangement. 

Often, mothers and daughters, who might have been reluctant to heal their relationship earlier on, will have a change of heart as the mother ages. Often, they see it as their last chance to reconcile before the mother becomes too frail or before she dies. Other times, as daughters become mothers themselves, they develop more compassion and empathy for what their own mothers might have gone through with them.

There are times when mothers or daughters cannot heal their relationship for a variety of reasons. Sometimes, one or the other of them is not willing or able. Other times, one of them is no longer alive and so the person remaining has to heal her own internal mother-daughter relationship on their own in therapy.

At times, whatever occurred in the mother-daughter relationship might have been so abusive that the relationship is just still too toxic to heal, especially if the mother is unable to own up to the abuse (if she was the abuser) or unable to accept that abuse occurred (if the abuser was someone else). 

Often, these are instances where there was physical and/or sexual abuse that remains unacknowledged and unresolved. At those times, you might need help to overcome the trauma of what occurred without involving the other person.

Getting Help in Therapy
As I've mentioned in prior blog posts, the mother-daughter relationship is the most intense family of origin relationship. This can make it the most rewarding as well as the most painful relationship.

If you and your mother or daughter are having problems healing your relationship on your own, you might consider getting professional help to assist you with this process, whether you decide to do this on your own or with your mother or daughter.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, Somatic Experiencing therapist and EMDR therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to work through mother-daughter issues as well as other family of origin problems so that they can lead meaningful and fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Asking for Forgiveness: The Power of Making Amends

Making amends is an important process in the addiction and mental health recovery as well as in many religions and in life in general. Recognizing that we have hurt other people, our behavior has had consequences for ourselves and for others, feeling sincere remorse, expressing our remorse, where appropriate, and asking for forgiveness are important parts of that process.

Asking for Forgiveness: The Power of Making Amends

Making amends can seem like a daunting process, especially if our transgressions have been recurrent and longstanding. As we come to terms with what we did, there is often a lot of shame associated with this recognition. As such, part of the process of making amends is to be able to forgive ourselves, which is often harder than asking someone else to forgive us.

When we're contemplating making amends, it's often helpful to work through this process with someone else: a sponsor (if you're in A.A. or one of the other alcohol or addictions 12 Step programs), a psychotherapist, or a trusted mentor or friend. Their support, knowledge and expertise can be invaluable as you struggle to sort out what you did, who you hurt, whether it's the right time to contact the person or persons you've offended, and how to go about making amends.

It's also important to realize that just because you have decided to make amends doesn't mean that the other person is ready to hear from you or to accept your apology. When we're considering making amends, we might enter into vivid memories of what we did in such a powerful way that we feel like we're reliving these old experiences, even though it might be many years later. But just because we might be in that emotional state doesn't mean that the other person is there too.

So, when we're thinking about making amends, it's important to use good judgment about the "who, when, where, why, how and what" involved. And, if you're either early in your recovery or in the early stage of whatever process you might be going through, you might not have developed good enough judgment yet about how to make amends. So, you might not realize that, in some cases, making amends might cause more harm than good, and you want to be mindful of this as you're going through this process.

But assuming that you've given your decision careful thought and you realize that asking for forgiveness is the right thing to do, how do you go about making amends?

Recognizing that every situation is different, the following is one particular scenario. It is representative of many different cases and not related to any one particular person. After I outline this scenario, I'll go over the steps that are often helpful when you're in the process of making amends.

Robert:
Robert was in his early 50s when he admitted to himself that he needed help for his out of control drinking and drug addiction. While he was getting help, he was also diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Until then, Robert knew that his life was out of control and that he had struggled with alcohol and prescription drug addiction for many years, but he had no idea that he had bipolar disorder.

During his inpatient dual diagnosis rehab, where he was detoxed from alcohol and painkillers and stabilized on drugs for his bipolar disorder, he had a chance to work on many of his addiction-related issues with the rehab counselor and his peers. At that point, Robert began to feel the emotional weight of how much he had hurt his family when he was active in his addiction and unstabilized with his mood disorder.

It helped him tremendously to be in a supportive environment where other people were going through a similar process, and he realized that he was not alone. However, he still felt somewhat overwhelmed when he thought about the pain that he had caused his wife and children.

Using the concept of "one day at a time," Robert was able to acknowledge that he hurt wife and children, as well as hurting himself, but not think too far into the future or too far into the past so that he was not completely overwhelmed with his shame and sense of remorse. He was also able to hang onto the idea that making amends would be a process that he could work out with a sponsor and in his after care treatment with a psychotherapist.

During family day at the rehab, Robert's wife and his two teenage daughters came to attend the educational series and to have sessions with Robert and his counselor. Robert's oldest son, John, who was in his 20s and living on his own, refused to come. John had gone through the worst of Robert's alcohol and drug binges and his rageful manic episodes, and he was unwilling to see or speak to Robert. Although it was very hurtful to Robert, he realized that he had no choice but to accept that his son wasn't ready and might not ever be ready to forgive him, and he could not control his son's feelings or behavior.

During Robert's sessions with his counselor and family, he acknowledged that he had caused his family a great deal of emotional pain, financial loss, and general upheaval in their lives. He also acknowledged that he realized that it might take a long time, if ever, before they trusted him again because he had breached their trust so many times. Robert expressed his sincere remorse, he took responsibility for his actions without making excuses for himself, and asked them to forgive him, if they could. He also told them that he realized that this would be a process and it wouldn't happen over night.

Robert's wife, Kathy, who had been very supportive of Robert during their 30 year marriage, talked to him about how important it was to her for Robert to finally acknowledge that he had a problem and that he hurt her and their children over the years with his addictive behavior and out of control manic episodes of rage, overspending, lost jobs, and the general chaos of their lives. She told him that she had loved him throughout their problems together and she still loved him. She was willing to start the healing process, but she knew that she would need time for her to trust him again. She also acknowledged that she was part of the dynamic and might have contributed to the overall chaos, and she wanted to understand this better by going to Al-Anon. But, overall, she was happy that he was getting help, and she hoped that she could trust that his remorse was genuine and he would continue in his recovery after he got out of the rehab.

Robert's older daughter, Susan, talked about how his dual diagnosis problems had affected her, and how she feared that she might become an alcoholic, a drug addict, or she might be diagnosed with bipolar disorder one day too. She struggled to put words to feelings because this was all new to her, but she told him that she loved him and she wanted him to get better.

Robert's youngest child, Beth, was very anxious. She cried through most of the meeting, and she told Robert that she wanted to understand what was going on with him, but she didn't. She and Susan both agreed that they would go to Al-A-Teen meetings.

After Robert was discharged from the rehab, he began attending A.A. meetings, he obtained a sponsor, and he started seeing a psychiatrist for medication and a psychotherapist for psychotherapy. At times, he felt overwhelmed, but most of the time, he was grateful for the support he was receiving.

Over time, Robert made efforts to reach out to his son through letters because his son refused to take his calls. Writing these letters to his oldest child, acknowledging that he had hurt him, expressing his remorse, and vowing to try to make it up to him, if his son was willing, was one of
hardest things that Robert had ever done in his life. Doing it while he was also new to sobriety and new to the knowledge that he was bipolar was also a challenge for him. There were many days where Robert was tempted to pick up a drink or call his old dealer to get painkillers. During those times, he reached out to his sponsor and his therapist, as well as peers in his support network, to just get through the day.

John acknowledged Robert's letters with his own responses, where he expressed his own anger, sadness, and lack of trust for Robert. John wasn't sure that he wanted to accept his father's apology or that he wanted to forgive him. He was afraid that if he forgave him, Robert would think that "everything was okay" and Robert might disappoint him again. But he agreed, for now, to keep the lines of communication open through these letters and he held out the possibility that he might be willing to talk to Robert in the future.

Robert offered to talk to John, when and if John was ready, about anything that John might want to know about Robert's addiction and mental illness. He was very careful to make this offer not as an excuse for his behavior, but as a way for John to understand the background of these problems. But during the first few months of Robert's recovery, John wasn't interested or ready for any explanations.

In the meantime, Robert continued to work on improving his relationships with his wife and daughters. It was a slow, painful process but, over time, he felt that his relationships with his wife and daughters were getting closer. He also sensed that they were beginning to trust him.

Robert also continued to work on forgiving himself. He knew that he couldn't turn back time to undo all the damage that he had done, and this was a hard concept for him to come to terms with. But he continued to work on his recovery, meet with his sponsor, attend his psychotherapy sessions on a weekly basis, see his psychiatrist and take his medication.

About a year after Robert completed his rehab, he received a call from his son. It was so unexpected that Robert hardly knew what to say. John told him that he still felt a lot of anger and ambivalence towards him, but he also recognized that, underneath his anger and sadness, he still loved his father and he wanted to begin the healing process between them. Robert felt that this was one of the happiest days of his life, and he was very grateful to his son.

The scenario above gives you a glimpse of how complicated the process of making amends can be. As I mentioned earlier, everyone's situation and process will be different, but there are certain steps that can be gleaned from this that might be helpful to you or someone that you know.

Steps Towards Making Amends


Say That You Were Wrong:
For some people, saying, "I was wrong" or "I'm sorry" is one of the hardest things that they can do.

Acknowledging to yourself and to the people that you hurt that you were wrong is a powerful first step. As previously mentioned, you need to use good judgment about this and make sure that if you're contacting someone to apologize, you won't do more harm than good. This isn't always obvious, but one possible example of many might be in a situation where your interjecting yourself back into someone's life might be too hurtful to them and their loved ones. For instance, if you've had an affair with someone who was married and contacting this person might place his or her marriage or family situation in jeopardy, it would probably not be a good idea to contact this person.

In all other cases, it's important that your apology is sincere. Express your remorse for what you did--without making excuses for your behavior. The minute someone senses that you're making excuses for your behavior, he or she will doubt the sincerity of your apology.

Now, making excuses is different from providing them with information about what was happening to you at the time--if they want to know. You can ask them if they want to know, and if they don't, you must respect that and not impose it on them. Above all, your intention should be to say you're sorry.

Say (and mean) that You Won't Do It Again:
For many people, when they hear someone apologize, the first thing that comes to their minds is the question of whether they can trust that person again. They might want to forgive the person who is making amends, but because trust has been broken in the past, they might be afraid to trust again.

When you're new to addiction recovery or to dealing with your mental health diagnosis, you might feel shaky yourself about whether you can live up to your words that you won't do it again. So, it might be necessary for you and the person that you're asking forgiveness of to put certain structures in place to help ensure that it won't happen again.

For example, if one of the things that you're asking forgiveness for is your compulsive gambling and that you spent the family's savings on your gambling addiction, one of the structures that you might put in place with your spouse is that he or she will handle the money. This can be an informal agreement or, if necessary, you might give your spouse power of attorney over the family finances, if this is appropriate. This can provide a feeling of safety for you and your family that even though you're sincere about not wanting to transgress again in this area, the particular structure that you've put in place will also support that effort.

Ask What You Can Do to Try to Make Up for Your Behavior:
Restitution is an important part of making amends. While you and your loved ones cannot go back in time to undo what has already been done, you can find out what your loved ones might want to help make up for the hurt that you have caused.

Even in situations where your loved ones can't bring themselves to forgive you and they are unwilling to allow you to make up for what you did, it can still be important for your own health and well-being to find ways to make restitution in your life.

This could mean that, when you've had enough time in your recovery, that you become a sponsor to people who are new to recovery to share your hope and wisdom, you volunteer your time to helping others, or that you find other ways to try to give back to others, even when you're unable to give back directly to the people that you've hurt.

Recognize that making amends is a process for yourself as well. You don't have to do it perfectly, although reflection and consideration before you start this process is an important step.

Also, recognize that other people don't always understand what it means to forgive. Some people might have the impression that by saying that they forgive you, they're telling you that what you did was all right with them, and they don't want to give you this impression. So, the people that you're asking for forgiveness from might have to go through their own process with this to understand what you mean and what it means for them.

When you first begin to recognize how much you've hurt others, you might only see the very top layer of hurts that go very deep. Over time, you might develop a deeper understanding of the implications of your behavior for yourself and others, and this brings its own challenges.

As previously mentioned, making amends can bring up a lot of feelings of shame and sadness, and I recommend that you find healthy support when you're going through this process.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist and EMDR therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to go through the process of asking for forgiveness and making amends.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my article:
When Your Efforts to Make Amends Are Rejected