Relationships: What's the Difference Between Stonewalling and the Silent Treatment?

I wrote about stonewalling in a prior article (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller?).

In the current article I'm focusing on the difference between stonewalling and the silent treatment.

What is the Difference Between Stonewalling and the Silent Treatment?

Although stonewalling and the silent treatment might appear to be similar, they are different in certain key aspects as outlined below.

Stonewalling and the silent treatment are both forms of unhealthy communication. They both involve communication patterns where a person withdraws from a conversation (see my article: Understanding a Partner Who Withdraws Emotionally).

Stonewalling vs the Silent Treatment

Stonewalling usually occurs when one person feels overwhelmed and withdraws from the conversation.

The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse where one person deliberately ignores, avoids or withdraws from communication to punish, control or manipulate the other person.

Here are the key differences between stonewalling and the silent treatment:

• Intent
• Duration
• Impact

Stonewalling

• Intent: To avoid conflict and feeling emotionally overwhelmed

• Behavior: Turning away, avoiding eye contact, shutting down the conversation or giving non-committal responses

• Duration: Usually temporary--lasting until the person no longer feels overwhelmed

Silent Treatment

• Intent: To punish, control or manipulate the other person

• Behavior: Prolonged withdrawal from communication, often accompanied by ignoring, avoiding or giving cold or hostile responses

• Duration: Lasting hours, days, weeks or more

The Key Differences

• Intent: Stonewalling is a defensive reaction whereas the silent treatment is intentional.

• Purpose: Stonewalling is aimed at avoiding conflict and the silent treatment is used to inflict emotional pain, gain power or manipulate.

• Duration: Stonewalling is usually temporary and the silent treatment can be prolonged.

• Impact: Stonewalling can damage a relationship by creating emotional distance and mistrust, while the silent treatment, which is intentional, can cause significant emotional distress to the person being ignored and potentially ruin or end a relationship.

An Example of Stonewalling

Whenever John and Alice got into an argument, John would feel so overwhelmed he would turn away and go into another room to calm himself. But since he didn't tell Alice that he felt overwhelmed, she would pursue him into the other room to continue the argument. This only made John feel even more overwhelmed so that he would withdrew even further, which angered Alice even more so she would try harder to get him to talk (see my article: Understanding a Partner Who Pursues Emotionally).

Stonewalling

As his feelings of overwhelm escalated, John would leave the house and to go for a walk. After he calmed down, he came back and told Alice he was ready to resume their conversation. By then, Alice had calmed down too, so they were able to have a calm discussion. After several months of this communication pattern, Alice insisted that they go to couples therapy to learn how to communicate in a healthy way. In couples therapy John learned that he would stonewall because he felt too overwhelmed to speak, which helped Alice to feel empathetic. Alice learned she had a fear of being abandoned, which made her pursue John. Over time, they learned how to communicate in a healthier way in couples therapy.

An Example of the Silent Treatment

Alex was hurt and angry when Sara said she was going out with her friends on a Sunday afternoon instead of spending time with him. Even though she had told him in advance that she and her friends planned to have brunch to celebrate one of her friend's birthdays, Alex felt that she was putting her friends above him. On most mornings Sara and Alex would sit and talk together in the kitchen and have coffee together. So, when Sara noticed that Alex didn't come into the kitchen at the usual time, she looked for him and she found him in the living room playing a game on his phone. Alex saw Sara come into the living room, but he ignored her and he didn't look up when she tried to talk to him. He sat in stony silence looking hurt and angry.

The Silent Treatment

No matter what she said, Sara couldn't get his attention so she got dressed to meet her friends. As she was leaving, she said goodbye to Alex, but he didn't respond. During her brunch with friends, Sara texted Alex to say she understood he felt hurt and she wanted to talk about it when she got home. But Alex ignored Sara's texts. He continued to ignore Sara for the next week, which was painful for her. Whenever she tried to initiate a conversation, he walked out of the room. Finally, at her wit's end, Sara gave Alex an ultimatum: Either he agree to attend couples therapy with her or he would move out her apartment. After another week of the silent treatment, Sara packed Alex's things, changed the locks and put his belongings on her doorstep.  Two weeks later, Alex called Sara reluctantly and told her he would attend couples therapy. Their couples therapist recommended that they both attend individual therapy. Alex learned in couples therapy that he used the silent treatment because he didn't know how to communicate his emotions and he wanted to punish Sara. The work in couples therapy was neither quick nor easy but, over time, Sara and Alex learned to communicate more effectively. Alex also realized in his individual therapy that he learned to give the silent treatment by observing his parents when he was a child. They would go days and weeks without talking to each other. Alex made a promise to himself and to Sara that he didn't want to repeat the mistakes his parents made in their relationship.

Summary

Both stonewalling and the silent treatment are unhealthy ways of communicating, but their intent, purpose and duration are different. 

Stonewalling is a maladaptive way of trying to cope with feeling emotionally overwhelmed.

The silent treatment, which is a form of emotional abuse, is used to inflict emotional pain, try to gain power or manipulate a partner.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Whether one or both of you engage in stonewalling or the silent treatment, you could both benefit from getting help in couples therapy (see my article: Tips on How to Get the Most Out of Couples Therapy).

Get Help in Couples Therapy

Rather than continuing to damage your relationship, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who can help you to overcome your communication problems so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: How to Stop Avoiding Conflict So You Can Have Healthy Communication

Conflicts are inevitable in relationships, but many individuals avoid conflicts. This avoidance often results in misunderstandings, disappointment and resentment, which becomes part of the couple's negative cycle (see my article: The Problem Isn't the Problem. The Problem is the Repeating Negative Cycle in the Relationship).

Stop Avoiding Conflicts in Your Relationship

Why Do People in Relationships Avoid Conflicts?

• Fear of Conflict: Individuals who avoid conflicts have a fear of conflict because they are afraid of negative outcomes including judgment or rejection from their partner. They might also fear the conflict will end the relationship. In addition, they might have a negative prior history with conflict in their family of origiin or in prior relationships, including unresolved trauma, which reinforces their avoidance. 

• Anxiety and Self Doubt: Anxiety about expressing their feelings and self doubt might also be contributing factors. This can make conflict seem overwhelming, especially if they fear that conflict will result in a shouting match.

Stop Avoiding Conflicts in Your Relationship

• A Need to Maintain Short-Term Harmony in the Relationship At Any Cost: These individuals prioritize maintaining short term harmony, but avoiding conflict prevents personal growth, relationship growth and fosters disappointments and resentment. A need to maintain short-term harmony often results in long-term disharmony due to consequences of unexpressed feelings and beliefs.

• Fear of Short-Term Emotional Discomfort: Confrontations can bring about short-term emotional discomfort, but if a couple has healthy communication skills, confrontations can also resolve problems which can bring long-term comfort.

What Are the Relationship Dynamics When Couples Avoid Confrontations?

Every relationship is different, but the following are some of the most common relationship dynamics when couples avoid confrontations:

• A Desire to Maintain Short-Term Harmony While Problems Fester: Couples who avoid confrontations often prioritize maintaining harmony instead of addressing the underlying problems in their relationship--even if it means continuing to have unresolved problems in the long term.

• Poor Communication Skills: People who avoid confrontations often feel unprepared to deal with conflict because they lack healthy communication skills (see my article: Complaining Instead of Expressing What You Want).

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

• Fear of Vulnerable Emotions: Many individuals are afraid of the emotional vulnerability involved with expressing their feelings, so they would rather avoid it altogether (see my article: Emotonal Vulnerabiltiy as a Pathway to Greater Emotional and Sexual Intimacy).

What Are the Consequences of Conflict Avoidance?

Every relationship will have their own unique consequences, but here are some of the most common outcomes of conflict avoidance:

• Unresolved Issues: When a couple avoids dealing with conflict, unresolved issues grow and fester. Disappointment and resentment grows which can lead to even larger blow ups than if the couple had dealt with the problems when they first developed.

• Communication Breakdown: As problems are avoided, communication between the individuals breaks down. When open and honest communication shuts down, this often leads to emotional distancing.

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

• Emotional Distancing: As problems grow and fester, couples often distance themselves from each other. This can be conscious or an unconscious behavior.  This leads to a lack of emotional and sexual intimacy. Defensive walls develop between them so they might no longer see and hear one another. This can result in loneliness and isolation.

• Stagnation and the Possible End of the Relationship: As problems persist, communication breaks down and each the couple distances themselves from each other, the relationship stagnates. Each person can feel stuck in an unfulfilling relationship as the couple drifts apart. This can also lead to the end of the relationship.

How to Overcome Conflict Avoidance

• Become Aware: The first step in overcoming conflict avoidance is to become aware of the problem.  Learn to recognize these patterns in the relationship (see my article: What is Self Reflective Awareness and Why Is It Important to You?).

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

• Challenge Negative Beliefs About Conflict: Reframe your beliefs about conflict to understand that conflict is a necessary part of building intimacy and emotional connection instead of seeing it as a sign of a failed relationship.

• Understand the Consequences of Conflict Avoidance: Develop an understanding for what is lost and what is gained with conflict avoidance. In terms of losses, this can include loss of emotional and sexual intimacy. With regard to what can be gained, this can include better communication and the overall health and well-being of the individuals and the relationship.

How to Use Healthy Communication Skills to Deal With Conflicts

• Practice Active Listening: Listen to your partner's concerns with respect and without interrupting or focusing on when you will get your turn to speak (see my article: The Importance of Active Listening in Your Relationship).

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

• Use I-Statements: Rather than using accusatory statements and blaming your partner, use I-statements where you express your feelings ("I feel hurt when...").

• Clarify Your Expectations: Instead of assuming your partner already knows or "should know" your expectations, be explicit about what you want. When you're able to express your needs clearly, you can set clear boundaries and prevent bigger misunderstandings.

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

• Create a Safe Space: Talking about conflicts can be emotionally vulnerable so create a safe space for each other, you will both feel safer to express your feelings in a healthy way (see my article: Creating an Emotional Safe Haven For Each Other).

Get Help in Couples Therapy

Many couples need help to deal with their problems.

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

If you and your partner have been unable to resolve your problems in your own, you could benefit from seeking health from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

A skilled couples therapist can help you overcome your problems so you can have a fulfilling relationship (see my article: How to Get the Most Out of Couples Therapy).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (couples therapist), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

How Can Parts Work Therapy Help You to Be More Creative?

I've written about Parts Work, also known as Ego States Therapy and IFS (Internal Family Systems) before (see my article: How Parts Work Can Empower You)

Also see the articles listed at the end of this article.

What is Creativity?

People often think of creativity as being related only to art, writing and other artistic works.

What is Creativity?

But creativity also includes:

• Problem solving for day to day issues
• Scientific solutions
• Cooking
• Gardening
• Thinking of new ways to approach everyday tasks
• Finding new ways to deal with stress
• Finding new ways to communicate more effectively

And so on.

The list above is only a small fraction of ways to be creative (see my article: Reclaiming Your Creativity).

How Can Parts Work Therapy Help With Creativity?

Parts Work is a type of Experiential Therapy that helps you to get to know the many different aspects of your personality.

In other words, Parts Work helps you to get to know your internal psychological landscape from the inside out.

Parts Work Therapy Can Help With Creativity

Parts Work therapy can be used in many different ways, including in Trauma Therapy. 

It can also be used to help you to access parts of yourself that are unconscious or disowned (see my article: Discovering and Giving Voice to Disowned Parts of Yourself).

A psychotherapist who uses Parts Work can help you to discover the various parts of your personality so you can get to know these parts and use them creatively.

Clinical Vignettes

The following clinical vignettes are composites of many different cases and illustrates how Parts Work Therapy can be used to help with creativity:

Jane

Jane was having problems getting started with a book that was due to her publisher in a few months.

Every time she sat down to try to write, she felt blocked. Specifically, she felt overwhelmed by feelings of inadequacy and shame (see my articles: Shame is at the Root of Most Psychological Problems).

Struggling With the Internal Critic

When she spoke with her therapist, who did Parts Work, Jane discovered that her shame and feelings of inadequacy stemmed from a part that was an internal critic.

This internal critic developed in her childhood from being told by her father that she would never amount to anything (see my article: Overcoming Emotional Blocks).

After working with this critical part, Jane was able to see that this part was keeping her emotionally blocked. 

Through her Parts Work therapy, Jane was able to ask this part to "step aside" with compassion so she could access the more creative parts of herself that helped her to open up new ideas for her book. 

Parts Work Therapy Can Help With Creativity

Her creative parts included a much freer playful part that helped her to play with ideas and freed her up to write.

As she continued to work in Parts Work therapy, Jane learned how to feel compassion for the internal critic part and that part was transformed into a source of strength.  

Once this occurred, Jane no longer had problems with writer's block.

Bill

Bill was given the task of coming up with new ideas for an old product at work. 

Initially, Bill was excited about the project, but every time he tried to sit down to draft ideas, he found himself getting so anxious that he would distract himself with social media or TV as a way to avoid doing the work.

Procrastination as Part of Avoidance

Knowing he couldn't procrastinate anymore, he sought help from a psychotherapist who did Parts Work therapy to overcome his problem.

Through Parts Work therapy, Bill learned that his anxiety was a protective part of himself that feared he would humiliate himself by doing a poor job with the project. His procrastination was related to this part of himself.

His Parts Work therapist helped Bill to realize this protective part stemmed from his childhood experiences in a family that was very risk averse.  

As a child, whenever Bill wanted to try something new, his anxious parents would come up with all kinds of reasons why it would be dangerous for him to try anything new.

By showing compassion to the protective part of himself in Parts Work therapy, he was able to get that part of himself to relax and allow more creative parts of himself which were curious and more adventurous to come to the surface.

These creative parts allowed him to approach his work project with new energy.

Parts Work Therapy Can Help with Creativity

When he presented his ideas to his team, Bill received a lot of praise from his manager and colleagues which also helped to disconfirm his fear that taking risks was dangerous.  He learned instead to be open to his creativity and present his work with pride.

Conclusion

Parts Work is an umbrella term for various types of therapies, like Ego States and IFS.

Parts are aspects of your personality.

Parts are often unconscious so that you aren't aware they're creating obstacles for you.

Parts Work therapy helps to make the unconscious conscious so you can to transform these parts into creative parts.

Many parts go back to childhood and might, at first, resist giving up their protective role. 

You can think of this dynamic as being similar to a defense mechanism which has been ingrained in you for a long time. 

No parts are considered "bad" and no parts are discarded. 

Instead, a Parts Work therapist helps you to find way to transform a part from being an obstacle to being a source of strength.

Getting Help in Parts Work Therapy

Getting Help in Parts Work Therapy

If you're struggling with a problem you have been unable to resolve on your own, rather than continuing to feel stuck, you can seek help from a licensed mental health professional who does Parts Work therapy.

Parts Work therapy helps to free you from obstacles that are getting in your way so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

Also See My Other Articles on Parts Work

How Are Therapy Cards Used For Self Discovery in Parts Work?

Parts Work Therapy: Is an Unconscious Part of Yourself Running Your Life?

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, IFS, Ego States Therapist and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Quiet Quitting in a Relationship?

Quiet quitting is a term that many people associate with work. It refers to someone who no longer puts much effort into their work but who remains on the job doing as little as possible to maintain the job until they're ready to leave (or they might stay indefinitely).

Understanding Quiet Quitting in a Relationship

Quiet quitting in a relationship is when one or both partners disengage emotionally and  psychologically without leaving.They might also disengage sexually.

Quiet Quitting in a Relationship

Quiet quitting in a relationship often involves:

• Making little or no effort in the relationship

• Withdrawing attention

• Withdrawing from emotional, psychological and sexual intimacy

• Not addressing the underlying issues involved in the couple's problems (see my article: Are You and Your Partner Avoiding Difficult Conversations?).

What are the Signs of Quiet Quitting in a Relationship?

Some of the signs of quiet quitting in a relationship include:

• A Decrease in Communication: Meaningful conversations become less frequent or nonexistent.

• Avoiding Asking or Answering Questions: One or both people show little or no interest in asking their partner questions about the partner and/or the relationship.

• Emotional Detachment: One or both partners become emotionally distant and withdrawn from each other and show little or no interest in the relationship.

Quiet Quitting in a Relationship

• Little or No Intimacy: Physical and emotional intimacy often declines or becomes nonexistent. There might also be little or no expressions of affection (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?).

• Spending Less Time Together: One or both partners might pursue their own separate interests without their partner and without sharing those interests with the partner as a way to avoid each other and spend less time together.

• Being Mentally and Emotionally Distant When They're Together: Even when they're together one or both people might be mentally and emotionally distant and disengaged from one another. For example, they might be daydreaming, playing with their phone or doing work in order to avoid engaging with their partner.

• Loss of Shared Goals and Dreams For the Relationship: The couple might lose sight of dreams they once had together. They might also stop planning for the future (see my article: 7 Tips For Creating a Stronger Relationship With Relationship Goals).

How is Quiet Quitting in a Relationship Different From Ghosting?

Ghosting involves disappearing from a relationship altogether and the relationship ends.

When one or both people engage in quiet quitting, they're usually still physically present. If they live together, they might feel like they're just coexisting in the same place but not emotionally or physically engaging with one another.

Quiet quitting is usually a progressive disengagement that happens gradually over time. If it persists, it will erode the quality of the emotional bonds in the relationship.

Even though the couple might remain together, both people are usually dissatisfied with the relationship and the relationship might eventually end if the couple doesn't take steps to address their problems.

Why Do These Couples Stay Together?

There might be constraints that keep these couples together. For instance, there might be financial constraints that make it difficult for one or both people to leave the relationship. In many instances they can't afford to end the relationship.

There might also be cultural factors that keep a couple who are disengaged from ending the relationship altogether. For instance a couple's culture or religion might prohibit ending the relationship.

A couple who is disengaged in this way might also hesitate to end the relationship because they think they need to remain together for their younger children. 

In many cases one or both people aren't ready to leave yet, so they plan, save money and privately make arrangements for the time when they can leave. Often this is done without letting the other partner know in advance.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed to protect confidentiality:

Cathy and Jim

Cathy and Jim were married for 10 years when they sought help in couples therapy.

They told their couples therapist that, over the years, they had become increasingly disengaged from one another.

Both of them agreed that the emotional disengagement (also known as quiet quitting) began after they had their second child and, at the same time, Jim's father needed additional help due to his medical problems.

Quiet Quitting in a Relationship

Jim admitted that, although he loved his younger child now, originally, when Cathy said she wanted another child, he didn't really want a second child.  But he felt pressured by Cathy and went along with her wishes, which made him feel resentful towards her (see my article: How to Deal With Resentment in Your Relationship).

Cathy acknowledged she knew Jim didn't want a second child, but she had hoped that once the baby was born, Jim would change his mind. She spoke about how disappointed and hurt she was that Jim showed only minimal interest in their second child after their son was born. She also admitted she should not have pressured Jim to have another child.

She said it was only after their younger son was five or six years old that Jim showed more interest in him because he was able to do more things with their son--like teaching him baseball or how to ride a bike.

By then, she said, the damage to their relationship was done. They were respectful of one another, but Jim was sleeping in the guest room and they spent little time together alone. She had hoped things would change over time, but by the time Jim's father needed help from Jim, she and Jim had become emotionally and sexually estranged.

As they spent less time together, they became more involved in their own hobbies and interests that didn't include each other. They also stopped being affectionate with one another.

As time went on, their communication became much less frequent. Over time they were only talking about what they needed to talk about--mostly logistics or about their children or their parents. Even then, their communication was strained.

Cathy said she tried to talk to Jim about their problems because she was feeling lonely in their relationship, but he wasn't open to talking so she suggested they seek help in couples therapy.

Jim acknowledged that he wasn't open to talk to Cathy about their emotional estrangement. He agreed to couples therapy reluctantly. But once he started couples therapy, he realized he still held a lot of resentment towards her about having their second child.

Jim also realized that, when he was a child, his parents were emotionally estranged from one another so that when he and Cathy became estranged, he didn't feel as uncomfortable as Cathy did because this dynamic was familiar to him (see my article: Shame and Disengaged Families).

He expressed regret that their relationship had devolved to this point. He wanted to salvage their relationship so that it would be more emotionally and sexually fulfilling.

Since Jim and Cathy had been at this impasse for so long, they found it challenging at first to become more emotionally and sexually engaged.

Over time, their therapist, who was an Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist and a sex therapist helped Jim and Cathy to stop blaming each other.

Instead of blaming one another, their therapist got them to focus on their negative cycle, so they could focus on working together to change their negative patterns (see my article: Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship With Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples).

They were also able to work through their resentments. Jim was able to let go of his resentment about having a second child. Cathy was able to let go of her resentment that, prior to couples therapy, Jim wasn't willing to talk to her about their problems.

Having a couples therapist to help facilitate their conversations helped them to reconnect again emotionally and sexually.

How to Improve Your Relationship When One or Both of You Are Disengaged?

Even though you might be dissatisfied with your relationship, you might want to try to salvage it by re-engaging with each other:

• Consider Your Expectations in the Relationship:
• Do you have realistic expectations?

• Do you expect your partner to be your "everything" instead of also getting emotional support and friendship from others?

• Is it time to reevaluate your expectations so that you're not putting too much emotional and psychological pressure on your partner?

• Speak to Your Partner About the Disengagement: Since quiet quitting is often done without the acknowledgement of either partner, speak to your partner and tell them what you're observing about the dynamic in the relationship.

• Acknowledge and Express Appreciation For Your Partner: If it's been a while since you have emotionally acknowledged your partner and expressed your appreciation, tell your partner how much you value and appreciate them (see my article: The Importance of Expressing Gratitude To Your Partner).

• Seek Help From a Couples Therapist: It can be difficult to repair things if you and your partner have been disengaged for a while. If you're unable to do this as a couple, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who is a couples therapist and who can help you to either re-engage or to decide to end the relationship instead of remaining at an unsatisfying impasse.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Quiet quitting in relationships is more common than most people think.

Whether couples want to stay together or end the relationship, they can find it challenging to overcome the stuck place they're in.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help the couple to overcome their impasse so they can either work towards strengthening their relationship or ending it in as amicable a way as possible.

If you and your partner are stuck, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a couples therapist so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, an EFT couples therapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Infidelity in Conflict Avoidant Couples

I'm focusing on an important topic for many relationships: Conflict avoidant couples and infidelity.

See my prior articles:

What are Gottman's 5 Types of Couples?

How to Prevent Conflict Avoidance From Destroying Your Relationship

Are You and Your Partner Avoiding Difficult Conversations?

Infidelity in Conflict Avoidant Couples

As a brief recap:  

Conflict avoidant couples are couples who tend to avoid difficult conversations and conflicts. They often experience unexpressed anger, frustration and resentment which builds up over time and leads to big confrontations or to infidelity.

What Are Some of the Signs of a Conflict Avoidant Couple?

The following are some of the signs a conflict avoidant couple might experience:

• Unexpressed anger, frustration and resentment that builds up over time
• Refusing to participate in a difficult conversation
• Withdrawing from a conflict (not just taking a break, but avoiding the conflict altogether)
• A relationship based on assumptions and expectations instead of communication
• Apologizing or agreeing with a partner (when you don't agree) just to avoid an argument
• Feeling anxious at the thought of discussing something difficult with your partner
• Hiding certain things from your partner, possibly including cheating
• Focusing only on the good aspects of the relationship and avoiding problems

Why Do People in Conflict Avoidant Couples Cheat?

Cheating is not part of every relationship where a couple is avoiding conflict, but cheating is often a problem in conflict avoidant couples.

While these couples often appear happy to outside observers, the couples are often aware they have unaddressed problems within their relationship, but they don't know how to handle their problems. As a result, these issues remain unresolved.

Generally, people cheat in conflict avoidant relationships when certain circumstances come together, including: 

• Mounting anger, resentment, frustration and stress in the relationship
• An inability and/or reluctance to address these problems
• An opportunity presents itself for cheating

In many cases the person who cheats has an unconscious wish to be discovered so they can get their partner's attention.

While it can be very hurtful for a couple to cope with infidelity, after the initial shock and hurt, it's important to understand how these problems developed in the relationship--whether the couple stays together or not.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignettes are composites. All identifying information has been removed to protect confidentiality.

Jean and Bob

Jean and Bob, who were both in their mid-30s, were married for five years. 

During that time, Jean suspected Bob was secretly communicating with other women online because whenever she walked into the same room when Bob was on his cellphone, he would abruptly stop texting. This made her suspicious. 

Since she knew his password, Jean looked on his phone and she discovered he was sexting with another woman. 

Infidelity in Conflict Avoidant Couples

Jean was very hurt and angry by this discovery. When she confronted Bob, he apologized over and over again. He told her that, although he knew there was no excuse for sexting with another woman, he felt dissatisfied with their relationship for a while and sexting with another woman made him made him feel desirable. 

After they began couples therapy, Bob realized he had unconsciously hoped Jean would discover his texts so he could get her attention. He said he didn't know how to communicate his dissatisfaction to her and he regretted putting their relationship at risk. 

Over time they gradually worked through the hurt and anger. They learned how to rebuild trust in their relationship and communicate with each other about difficult topics. 

By the time they completed couples therapy, they felt much more comfortable having difficult conversations and, overall, they were both more satisfied with their relationship.

Mark and Tom

Mark and Tom, who were in their 40s, were married for three years. They had an agreement to as a consensually nonmonogamous couple, that they would be open and honest with each other about who they wanted to get involved with before they got involved. 

One day Tom discovered Mark was cheating when a friend told him that he saw Mark kissing a man at a local gay bar. This was a man Mark had not told Tom about, which went against their agreement. 

Infidelity in Conflict Avoidant Couples

When Tom confronted Mark, he was shocked when Mark broke down and admitted that he had many secret affairs throughout their relationship because he felt angry, frustrated and resentful about unaddressed problems in their relationship. 

After they began couples therapy, Tom felt too hurt by the extent of Mark's infidelity to forgive him, but they remained in therapy to end their relationship with as little animosity as possible. 

By the end of therapy they were able to part by honoring what was good about their relationship and acknowledging they could no longer be together.

Ann and Jane

Ann and Jane, who were in their early 40s, met at a local New York City LGBTQ meeting.  

Several months after they met, they moved in together. 

Their friends and families thought they were "the perfect couple" because Ann and Jane only talked about the positive aspects of their relationship. However, they both knew they were avoiding talking to each other about Ann's overspending and debt. 

As the years went by, they were spending less and less time together except when they both happened to be home.  They were basically coexisting in the same apartment.

One day Jane found Ann's credit card bill on the kitchen table and she discovered charges she didn't recognize. Initially, she avoided confronting Ann because she was in denial and she hoped the problem would somehow go away on its own. 

Infidelity in Conflict Avoidant Couples

But months later Jane discovered texts from other women who were thanking Ann for expensive gift cards. At that point, Jane knew she couldn't avoid a difficult conversation any longer so she confronted Ann, who admitted she was having secret affairs outside their relationship. 

During couples therapy, they learned that they had been avoiding conflicts with each other and the result was they were both feeling angry, frustrated and resentful. They also learned that their avoidance resulting in emotional estrangement between them.

In addition, Ann realized she "accidentally" left her credit card bill on the kitchen table in an unconscious attempt to get Jane's attention. 

Over time, they worked through the anger, hurt and pain related to Ann's affairs. They also learned how to communicate directly with one another, work through their problems and deal with Ann's debt. 

Ann also joined Debtor's Anonymous (D.A.) and she sought help to consolidate her debt.

Conclusion

Infidelity can occur in any type of relationship whether the relationship is monogamous or consensually nonmonogamous. 

Cheating can occur regardless of age, sex, sexual orientation, or other factors as illustrated in the three vignettes in this article. Although the couples were different each vignette, they were all conflict avoidant.

In some instances the partner who is cheating has an unconscious wish for their partner to know about the infidelity as a way to bring to light problems they're unable to communicate about due to the conflict avoidant nature of their relationship. 

Although it's difficult, most couples decide they are emotionally invested in their relationship and they don't want to end it. In many cases, they're able to work through their problems in couples therapy.

After the infidelity is discovered, many couples can learn to work through their issues and regain trust in couples therapy. However, some individuals, who have been hurt by their partner's cheating, feel the emotional pain is too much to bear, they can't trust their partner, and they end the relationship.

A skilled couples therapist has no agenda of her own. Depending upon the couple's goals in therapy, a couples therapist can work with a couple to either strengthen the relationship and rebuild trust or to end it with as little animosity as possible. 

Many couples, who decide to split, also use couples therapy to learn how to talk to their children about the split and they also learn to co-parent together (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Children About Divorce and Co-parenting After Divorce).

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have been avoiding conflicts in your relationship by "sweeping problems under the rug", you could benefit from seeking help in couples therapy.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Seeking help in therapy sooner rather than later usually offers you a better chance of working through problems.

A skilled couples therapist can help you to discover and work through the negative cycle in your relationship that causes you both to avoid conflict. 

You can also learn how to work through infidelity, if that's what you both choose to do, and learn to improve communication.

If you have tried unsuccessfully to resolve relationship problems, seek help in couples therapy so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.