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Showing posts with label stonewalling. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stonewalling. Show all posts

Saturday, September 27, 2025

Relationships: What's the Difference Between Stonewalling and the Silent Treatment?

I wrote about stonewalling in a prior article (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller?).

In the current article I'm focusing on the difference between stonewalling and the silent treatment.

What is the Difference Between Stonewalling and the Silent Treatment?
Although stonewalling and the silent treatment might appear to be similar, they are different in certain key aspects as outlined below.

Stonewalling and the silent treatment are both forms of unhealthy communication. They both involve communication patterns where a person withdraws from a conversation (see my article: Understanding a Partner Who Withdraws Emotionally).

Stonewalling vs the Silent Treatment

Stonewalling usually occurs when one person feels overwhelmed and withdraws from the conversation.

The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse where one person deliberately ignores, avoids or withdraws from communication to punish, control or manipulate the other person.

Here are the key differences between stonewalling and the silent treatment:
  • Intent
  • Duration
  • Impact
Stonewalling
  • Intent: To avoid conflict and feeling emotionally overwhelmed
  • Behavior: Turning away, avoiding eye contact, shutting down the conversation or giving non-committal responses
  • Duration: Usually temporary--lasting until the person no longer feels overwhelmed
Silent Treatment
  • Intent: To punish, control or manipulate the other person
  • Behavior: Prolonged withdrawal from communication, often accompanied by ignoring, avoiding or giving cold or hostile responses
  • Duration: Lasting hours, days, weeks or more
The Key Differences
  • Intent: Stonewalling is a defensive reaction whereas the silent treatment is intentional.
  • Purpose: Stonewalling is aimed at avoiding conflict and the silent treatment is used to inflict emotional pain, gain power or manipulate.
  • Duration: Stonewalling is usually temporary and the silent treatment can be prolonged.
  • Impact: Stonewalling can damage a relationship by creating emotional distance and mistrust, while the silent treatment, which is intentional, can cause significant emotional distress to the person being ignored and potentially ruin or end a relationship.
An Example of Stonewalling
Whenever John and Alice got into an argument, John would feel so overwhelmed he would turn away and go into another room to calm himself. But since he didn't tell Alice that he felt overwhelmed, she would pursue him into the other room to continue the argument. This only made John feel even more overwhelmed so that he would withdrew even further, which angered Alice even more so she would try harder to get him to talk (see my article: Understanding a Partner Who Pursues Emotionally).

Stonewalling

As his feelings of overwhelm escalated, John would leave the house and to go for a walk. After he calmed down, he came back and told Alice he was ready to resume their conversation. By then, Alice had calmed down too, so they were able to have a calm discussion. After several months of this communication pattern, Alice insisted that they go to couples therapy to learn how to communicate in a healthy way. In couples therapy John learned that he would stonewall because he felt too overwhelmed to speak, which helped Alice to feel empathetic. Alice learned she had a fear of being abandoned, which made her pursue John. Over time, they learned how to communicate in a healthier way in couples therapy.

An Example of the Silent Treatment
Alex was hurt and angry when Sara said she was going out with her friends on a Sunday afternoon instead of spending time with him. Even though she had told him in advance that she and her friends planned to have brunch to celebrate one of her friend's birthdays, Alex felt that she was putting her friends above him. On most mornings Sara and Alex would sit and talk together in the kitchen and have coffee together. So, when Sara noticed that Alex didn't come into the kitchen at the usual time, she looked for him and she found him in the living room playing a game on his phone. Alex saw Sara come into the living room, but he ignored her and he didn't look up when she tried to talk to him. He sat in stony silence looking hurt and angry.

The Silent Treatment

No matter what she said, Sara couldn't get his attention so she got dressed to meet her friends. As she was leaving, she said goodbye to Alex, but he didn't respond. During her brunch with friends, Sara texted Alex to say she understood he felt hurt and she wanted to talk about it when she got home. But Alex ignored Sara's texts. He continued to ignore Sara for the next week, which was painful for her. Whenever she tried to initiate a conversation, he walked out of the room. Finally, at her wit's end, Sara gave Alex an ultimatum: Either he agree to attend couples therapy with her or he would move out her apartment. After another week of the silent treatment, Sara packed Alex's things, changed the locks and put his belongings on her doorstep.  Two weeks later, Alex called Sara reluctantly and told her he would attend couples therapy. Their couples therapist recommended that they both attend individual therapy. Alex learned in couples therapy that he used the silent treatment because he didn't know how to communicate his emotions and he wanted to punish Sara. The work in couples therapy was neither quick nor easy but, over time, Sara and Alex learned to communicate more effectively. Alex also realized in his individual therapy that he learned to give the silent treatment by observing his parents when he was a child. They would go days and weeks without talking to each other. Alex made a promise to himself and to Sara that he didn't want to repeat the mistakes his parents made in their relationship.

Summary
Both stonewalling and the silent treatment are unhealthy ways of communicating, but their intent, purpose and duration are different. 

Stonewalling is a maladaptive way of trying to cope with feeling emotionally overwhelmed.

The silent treatment, which is a form of emotional abuse, is used to inflict emotional pain, try to gain power or manipulate a partner.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy
Whether one or both of you engage in stonewalling or the silent treatment, you could both benefit from getting help in couples therapy (see my article: Tips on How to Get the Most Out of Couples Therapy).

Get Help in Couples Therapy

Rather than continuing to damage your relationship, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who can help you to overcome your communication problems so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.










Thursday, October 24, 2024

Relationships: The Problem Isn't the Problem. The Real Problem is the Repeating Negative Cycle in the Relationship

What does it mean when an Emotionally Focused couples therapist says, "The problem isn't the problem. The problem is the negative cycle"? 

    See my articles: 

Identifying the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship

Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship

The Problem is the Negative Cycle
Most couples have disagreements from time to time, but when a couple is stuck in a repeating pattern of negative behavior, the original disagreement becomes secondary to the negative cycle.

The negative cycle, which is a repeating pattern of negative behavior, perpetuates the problem and makes it harder to resolve.

What Are the Key Aspects of the Negative Cycle?
Here are some of the key aspects of the negative cycle in a relationship:
  • Repeating Patterns: A negative cycle in a relationship involves a pattern of interactions between the couple that lead to further conflict or distance in the relationship including:
    • Problems with communication
    • Unhealthy emotional responses
    • Unhealthy behavior
  • A Negative Cycle That Reinforces Itself: When a negative cycle reinforces itself, one person's behavior triggers a negative response from the other person, which causes the other partner to become more reactive. This creates a negative cycle which is difficult to break.
Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship

  • Looking Beyond the Surface: Although the initial issue might seem like the main problem, the real problem is the negative cycle the couple is stuck in. The negative cycle is usually the main obstacle for couples who want to overcome their problems.
How Does Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) Help Couples to Overcome Their Negative Cycle?
EFT therapists work with couples to help them by: 
  • Helping clients to recognize that emotions influence patterns of behavior
  • Helping clients to understand how to use emotions to create the changes they want
  • Helping clients to look below the surface to understand their positive needs underneath the negative cycle
  • Helping clients to interrupt the negative cycle until they can learn to change the cycle
  • Helping clients to understand their attachment wounds and vulnerabilities that are underneath the negative cycle
  • Helping clients to see how they engage or disengage with each other
  • Helping clients to change the negative cycle so they can develop a secure attachment in their relationship
Clinical Vignette
The following clinical vignette is a composite of many cases (with all identifying information removed to protect confidentiality) that illustrates how EFT Couples Therapy can help a couple who are stuck in their negative cycle:

Ann and Bill
Ann and Bill sought help in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) because they were constantly arguing about household chores and they were unable to work out their differences.

Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship

When the arguments initially began several years before, they would come together fairly quickly to apologize to each other, but they never worked out their differences.

Over time, resentment built up between them and it was becoming increasingly difficult to communicate after one of their arguments.

Ann felt Bill should take on more responsibilities in the household because she assumed the mental load for both of them and their teenage children. She kept track of doctors' appointments, the children's after school activities, the couple's social calendar and so on.

Ann tended to suppress her anger and resentment until she was fed up and then she would explode in anger. Bill reacted by ignoring Ann and going into his home office to calm down. But Ann interpreted Bill's behavior as stonewalling.

When Ann felt Bill withdraw by stonewalling her, she felt hurt and angry, which also made her even more adamant to make him talk to her. So, she would pursue him when he went up to his home office and demand that he talk to her.  But the more she demanded this of him, the more he shutdown emotionally, which made her even more adamant.

This was all part of their negative cycle: She would suppress her emotions. Then, she would have an angry outburst. He would feel overwhelmed by her anger and he would shut down emotionally, which served to exacerbate her anger. And the cycle went on and on until they were both emotionally exhausted.

Their EFT couples therapist helped them to identify their negative cycle and, over time, they learned how to interrupt the cycle. Gradually, over time, they learned how to break the cycle.

Once they were able to break the negative cycle, they were able to talk calmly about the original problem, household chores. 

When they didn't have to contend with their negative cycle, they found it much easier to compromise about household chores.

Conclusion
Most couples don't know about the concept of the negative cycle.  Needless to say, they also don't know about their particular cycle.

Couples can learn in EFT couples therapy to break the negative cycle.

Breaking the negative cycle allows each person in the relationship to listen and communicate more effectively. 

They can also learn how to negotiate their original problems without getting stuck in their former cycle.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy
If you and your partner are having problems you have unable to resolve on your own, you could benefit from working with an EFT couples therapist.

Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship

Learning to break the negative cycle in your relationship could be one of the best things you do to improve your relationship.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is an EFT couples therapist.

About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, EFT (for couples), AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.























Monday, October 7, 2024

What Are Gottman's 5 Types of Couples?

Dr. John Gottman, world renowned relationship expert, has conducted relationship research for over 40 years. He is best known for predicting marital stability and divorce. 

What Are the 5 Types of Couples?

If you're in a relationship, understanding Dr. Gottman's classification of couples can help you to understand your relationship dynamics.

Gottman's 5 Types of Couples
Based on his 40+ years of research, Dr. Gottman has described five different types of relationships. 


What Are the 5 Types of Relationships?

The first three described below are considered functional couples and the last two are considered  dysfunctional couples.

Here are the functional and dysfunctional classifications and below that I describe them in detail:

Functional Types of Couples:
  • Conflict-Avoiding Couples
  • Volatile Couples
  • Validating Couples
Dysfunctional Types of Couples:
  • Hostile Couples
  • Hostile-Detached Couples
The 5 Types of Couples in Detail
Let's look at each category in more detail:

Conflict-Avoiding Couples
Conflict-avoiding couples prefer to focus on areas of their life where they are in mutual agreement.  They value their common ground.

They like to balance their independence as well as their interdependence in the relationship. They're more likely to have separate interests as well as interests they enjoy together (see my article: What's the Difference Between Codependency and Interdependency?).

As independent individuals in a relationship, they like to focus on areas where they overlap and where there is cooperation and negotiation.  

They tend to be empathetic towards each other.

They can be low key and emotionally muted. 

They're not comfortable trying to coerce their partner into doing things their way. They prefer to focus on areas where things are "good enough" between them.

Their positive to negative affect ratio is 5:1, which Gottman considers a healthy ratio.

There is a downside if there is too much conflict avoidance including:
  • A withdrawal from conflict so conflicts remains unresolved
  • Distance and breakdown in communication
  • A buildup of frustration and resentment
  • Stress and anxiety
  • A buildup of distrust
Volatile Couples
Volatile couples tend to be the opposite of conflict avoidant couples.

These couples tend to be intensely emotional. They like to debate and argue--although they tend to be respectful and avoid insulting one another.

Their debating style tends to include humor and laughter (see my article: The Power of Humor and Laughter in Relationships).

During their arguments, they express anger and hurt feelings, but they tend not to express contempt for each other.

Even though they might argue a lot, they focus on honesty and connection in their communication.

Their positive to negative affect ratio is 5:1 which is a healthy ratio.

The downside of too much volatility in a relationship includes:
  • Small slights can trigger larger arguments (see my article: How to Keep Small Arguments From Developing into Big Arguments).
  • Too much volatility can lead to problems with communication if arguments go on for too long.
  • Volatility can lead to hostility (see the description for Hostile Couples below)
  • Too much volatility can lead to saying things each person doesn't mean and which can be hard to take back when each person is hurting.
  • Ongoing volatility can create a sense of hopelessness.
Validating Couples
Validating couples tend to be somewhere between conflict avoidant couples and volatile couples.

Validating couples tend to be characterized by calm and ease (see my article: Responding to Your Partner With Emotional Attunement and Validation).

Validating Couples

They tend to be empathetic towards each other and place a lot of emphasis on being supportive and validating.  Basically, they go along to get along.

Although they are supportive of one another, they do confront their problems. However, they tend to choose their battles. 

When they have opposing views, they can confront the issues, but they tend to work at finding a solution they can both live with to resolve the problem. 

Overall, their mood is subdued and cordial.

In terms of positive to negative affect, they usually show a healthy 5:1 ratio.

The downside to too much validation in a relationship includes:
  • Unhealthy validation could include overlooking problems which can prevent change and growth.
  • A misinterpretation of validation as agreement rather than an attempt to understand one another even when there isn't agreement.
  • Unhealthy validation can include an avoidance of conflict so that conflicts remain unresolved which can lead to each person feeling unhappy.
Hostile Couples
Hostile couples tend to have a lot of defensiveness.

Hostile couples tend to use the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in their arguments including:
There tends to be a lack of empathy in hostile couples and a lot of emphasis on contempt.

They tend to focus on their own point of view with little to no attempt to try to understand their partner's side of the argument.

When they criticize each other, they tend to use exaggerated statements like "You always" and "You never."

They tend to have the same arguments over and over again without resolution. They also tend to have damaging arguments in front of their children.

Although they have frequent arguments, they also tend to regulate their arguments so that their arguments don't get out of control.

Many hostile couples can be intimacy avoidant. 

Even though they might be very unhappy in the relationship, they tend to stay together where they remain attached to the hostility between them.

The ratio of positive affects to negative affects tend to be low in this type of relationship.

Hostile-Detached Couples
These couples tend to be engaged in a hostile standoff. 

Although they interact in a hostile way towards each other, they are also emotionally detached.  This emotional detachment can lead to loneliness for both of them.

Similar to hostile couples, hostile-detached couples also use the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse which, as previously mentioned, includes: 
Whereas hostile couples tend to regulate their arguments so they don't get out of control, hostile-detached couples tend to keep fighting until they're exhausted and there tends to be a fair amount of emotional abuse in this type of couple.

Based on information from Dr. Gottman's research, hostile-detached couples are the most dysfunctional couples and they are more likely to get divorced as compared to the other types of couples.

The ratio of positive to negative affects is the lowest for this type of couple as compared to others.

Conclusion
Many couples don't fall neatly into a particular category, so they might be a combination of these classifications at different times in their relationship.

What Are the 5 Types of Relationships?

If you're having problems in your relationship, you might find Gottman's classifications useful in understanding the dynamics in your relationship.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy
If you and your partner have been unable to resolve your problems, you could benefit from seeking help in couples therapy. 
    


Getting Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help you to make changes in your relationship so that you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

Seeking help sooner rather than later can make a big difference.

About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT for Couples, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.












































Saturday, June 22, 2024

Improving Communication in Your Relationship: How to Stop Stonewalling

I've discussed stonewalling in prior articles as part of a series on how couples can improve communication in their relationship.

See My Prior Articles: 





What is Stonewalling?
As a quick review: Stonewalling involves shutting down and withdrawing from a conflict or conversation.

Stonewalling in a Relationship

Stonewalling can be intentional or unintentional. A lot of times it's unintentional (see the section below: Why Do People Engage in Stonewalling?).

It doesn't only involve physically removing yourself from the discussion.  You can remain with your partner and still engage in stonewalling by shutting down emotionally, mentally and physically.

Why Do People Engage in Stonewalling?
As mentioned above, stonewalling can be intentional or unintentional.

Although it might seem that you are engaging in stonewalling as a way to annoy each other, unintentional stonewalling often occurs because one or both partners are overwhelmed.

Stonewalling in a Relationship

When someone is flooded with emotion, they might withdraw emotionally, mentally and energetically because the experience is too much.  

On the surface, they might appear calm, but the internal experience is usually one of emotional overwhelm.

So, if either of you are overwhelmed, there's no sense in continuing with the conversation by insisting that the overwhelmed partner continue to talk. 

It's better to take a break and return to the conversation once both of you are emotionally regulated.

What is the Difference Between Verbal and Nonverbal Stonewalling?

Verbal stonewalling can involve:
  • Giving your partner the "silent treatment"
  • Responding to your partner with one word or two word answers
  • Changing the subject
  • Being dismissive
  • Being accusatory
  • Responding with an aggressive tone to end the conversation
Nonverbal stonewalling can involve:
  • Walking away
  • Eye rolling, which is a form of contempt towards your partner
  • Distracting yourself with your phone as a conscious or unconscious attempt to distract yourself or end the conversation
Why is a Pattern of Stonewalling Damaging to a Relationship?
It's not unusual for couples to engage in occasional stonewalling, especially if one or both of them are overwhelmed by the conversation. But a pattern of stonewalling in a relationship is another matter.

A pattern of stonewalling is damaging because: 
  • Problems don't get resolved.
  • The partner who is trying to discuss the problem can feel disrespected.
  • A pattern of stonewalling can create distance between partners over time which usually has a negative effect on emotional and sexual intimacy.
How to Stop Stonewalling
If you're the one who tends to stonewall, you can learn to stop this destructive pattern by:
  • Becoming Aware of Your Emotional, Physical or Mental State in the Moment: Ideally, become aware that you're about to physically, emotionally and/or mentally withdraw before you stonewall. Initially, it might be hard to recognize the physical, emotional or mental cues, so you might start by recognizing you're doing it while you're doing it or your partner points it out to you. Then, as the next step in developing your awareness, you can work on recognizing it before you stonewall. 
  • Communicating With Your Partner: Instead of stonewalling, tell your partner what's happening for you in the moment.  You can say something as simple as, "I feel myself shutting down and I need a break. We can resume talking about this in an hour" or "I'm getting overwhelmed. Can we take a break and resume this in half an hour?" (or however much time you might need).  Make sure you don't leave your partner hanging without letting them know that you need a break.
Practice Emotional Self Regulation

  • Taking Steps to Practice Emotional Self Regulation: You might be angry or sad about what your partner is communicating to you. It's okay to have your own feelings about what's happening, but you need to practice self regulation to manage your emotions in terms of how you respond to your partner. Aside from taking a break, this could also mean doing a breathing exercise, going for a walk (letting your partner know first) or doing what you need to do to practice healthy self regulation.
What to Do If You're the Partner Who is Being Stonewalled
Being stonewalled by your partner is an unpleasant experience (to say the least), especially if your partner does this frequently.

There are some things you can do to help yourself and your partner including:
  • Allowing Yourself and Your Partner to Take a Break: If your partner says they need a break, respect that. Don't keep trying to engage your partner if it's clear they're overwhelmed. The situation will only get worse if you insist on your partner continuing to engage after they are overwhelmed. Also recognize your own signs of being overwhelmed because you might be so focused on making a point or getting your partner to listen to you that you don't recognize your own signs of being overwhelmed.  Don't keep talking to your partner as if you're both in a competition with each other.  
  • Practicing Empathy and Compassion For Yourself and Your Partner: Sometimes when people are engaged in a conflict, they forget that they're arguing with the same person that they love. So, practice empathy and compassion for yourself and your partner. 
Get Help in Therapy
As mentioned above, a pattern of stonewalling can destroy a relationship.  

Even if a couple stays together, resentment can build up over time as problems remain unresolved and this can affect the couple emotionally and sexually.

Get Help in Therapy

Seek help in individual or couples therapy to work on issues involving stonewalling.  

A pattern of stonewalling can be rooted in your early history where you observed one or both of your parents engaging in stonewalling or you saw that their conflicts were not resolved.

In addition, you might not have learned how to regulate your emotions, which can make it challenging when you're in a heated discussion with your partner, but this is a skill you can learn.

A skilled individual or couples therapist can help you to overcome the problem of stonewalling so that you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I provide both in person therapy in my Greenwich Village office or online therapy (as of this writing, due to licensing laws, if you want to do online therapy, you must be a resident of New York State, which is the state where I am licensed).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.






























Sunday, June 16, 2024

Improving Communication in Your Relationship: What's the Difference Between Complaining and Criticizing?


If you haven't read that article, I suggest you click on the link above to read it.

Complaining vs Criticizing

As a brief recap, Dr. John Gottman, a world renown relationship expert and author, used the phrase "four horsemen of the apocalypse" to emphasize the destructiveness of these four ways of communicating which can destroy a relationship.

What Are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse?
The four horsemen of the apocalypse include: 
  • Criticism
  • Contempt 
  • Defensiveness
  • Stonewalling
In the earlier article I discuss each one in detail.

In this article I'm focusing on the difference between a complaint and a criticism because people often confuse them with each other.  

I'm also discussing the destructiveness of contempt, how criticism can lead to contempt and how stonewalling affects a relationship.

What's the Difference Between a Complaint and a Criticism?
Whereas criticism is an attack on a person's character or personality, a complaint is about a person's behavior.

An Example of a Complaint:
"I felt hurt when you forgot my birthday."

Notice that the complaint focused on something that the other person did and how it made the partner complaining feel. It's usually about something that happened or is happening.  It's not a general attack on the other partner.

An Example of a Criticism:
"You're so insensitive and irresponsible to forget my birthday."

Complaining vs Criticizing

Notice that the criticism focused on the partner's character.  Also, the partner who is criticizing doesn't use an "I" message to reflect how they feel or how they were affected.  

An Example of a Complaint With Criticism:
People often combine complaints with criticism:

"I felt hurt when you forgot my birthday. You were so insensitive and irresponsible to forget my birthday."

In the example above where a complaint is combined with criticism, the person who is saying this to their partner undermines their message because their partner is likely to focus on the criticism of their character instead of the complaint.  This will often lead to a bigger argument where each person is criticizing the other.

Instead of addressing their partner's hurt feelings, the other partner will probably get defensive, which is also one of Dr. Gottman's four horsemen. This will lead the couple even farther astray.

What is Defensiveness?
Defensiveness is another one of the four horsemen described by Dr. Gottman.

Defensiveness usually involves becoming reactive without listening to what your partner is saying (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting).

Defensiveness is a negative defense mechanism that people use when they want to deny, dismiss or deflect what their partner is saying.  

People who use defensiveness often use it when they feel unworthy because of their partner's complaint, criticism or contempt.

They might try to externalize the problem by blaming their partner, other people or other circumstances when they might really know they were at fault.

Sometimes people use defensive strategies when they're lying, trying to hide the truth or feeling guilty.

Whichever defensive strategy they use, they're not taking responsibility.

An Example of Defensiveness in Response to Criticism:
"I have a lot of things on my mind. You can't expect me to remember everything!"

Complaining vs Criticizing

This often leads couples to argue about who is shouldering more responsibility, who is busier, who is more giving, and so on.  

Instead of addressing the partner's hurt feelings about forgetting their birthday, they're escalating into other topics instead of addressing the current problem.  

This often reflects a couple's negative cycle in their relationship where they're unable to resolve problems.

How Can Criticism Lead to Contempt?
Contempt can be used without or without criticism.

When couples have a tendency to use criticism in their arguments, they can devolve into showing contempt for each other. 

According to Dr. Gottman, contempt is the worst of the four horsemen and, if it's a big part of a couple's communication pattern, contempt can destroy the relationship.

Complaining vs Contempt

Contempt is when you express scorn and convey you feel your partner is worthless and beneath your consideration.

If you show contempt for a partner, you're acting in a mean and disdainful way.

Contempt can be shown with words, a facial expression or a gesture.

Examples of contempt include:
  • Mocking your partner
  • Using sarcasm or hostile humor
  • Treating your partner with disrespect
  • Calling your partner names
  • Mimicking your partner in a hostile way
  • Rolling your eyes at them
  • Sneering at them
  • Conveying your moral, ethical or characterological superiority over your partner
When you show contempt, you're essentially telling your partner that you're better than them.

The reason why ongoing contempt can destroy a relationship is that it's usually fueled by long-standing negative thoughts and feelings about a partner and it can lead to more criticism and contempt.

As a result, conflicts aren't resolved.

What is Stonewalling?
Stonewalling is another one of the four horsemen described by Dr. Gottman.

Stonewalling

Stonewalling occurs when you and/or your partner withdraw from communicating with each other (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller?)

Stonewalling can include:
  • Being unresponsive
  • Giving the silent treatment
  • Giving short answers during a discussion or argument
  • Dismissing your partner's emotions or concerns
  • Changing the subject
  • Refusing to make eye contact 
  • Refusing to answer questions
  • Walking away
  • Disconnecting emotionally from your partner (even if you're physically present)
Anyone can engage in stonewalling. 

Stonewalling often occurs when someone has an avoidant attachment style or someone tends to avoid conflict because it makes them feel too uncomfortable.

It occurs when someone either feels a general discomfort with talking about their emotions or they feel overwhelmed by a discussion or argument and they don't know how to say they need a break (or they don't know they need a break).

Based only on their outward appearance, someone who is stonewalling might appear like they're in a calm or neutral mood, but inside they're feeling emotionally overwhelmed.

Whether one or both people are criticizing, showing contempt or stonewalling, problems don't get resolved.  This can lead to a pile up of unresolved arguments and resentment over time.

In my next article, I'll focus on the problem of "kitchen sinking" during an argument, which means when one or both partners bring up unrelated grievances or past grievances during an argument.

Getting Help in Therapy
Many people find it challenging to communicate with their partner when they're angry or hurt without using criticism, contempt, defensiveness or stonewalling.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

This is usually because they never learned to communicate effectively in a relationship.

If you and your partner are having communication problems, you could benefit from seeking help in couples therapy.

A skilled couples therapy can help you to learn how to communicate effectively with your partner so you can resolve problems in your relationship and have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.