Relationships: Sharing the Mental Load

A common complaint I hear from heterosexual women in my psychotherapy practice in New York City is that they feel exhausted by the mental load related to their household, especially if they have children.

What is the Mental Load?

The mental load, which is also called "worry work," refers to the cognitive and emotional work needed to manage a household.

Overwhelmed by the Mental Load

The mental load usually involves behind-the-scenes work necessary to keep a household running smoothly including:

• Meal planning
• Scheduling appointments
• Scheduling daily, monthly and annual plans
• Scheduling and planning vacations
• Remembering family members' appointments
• Staying on top of the children's scheduled activities
• Remembering and planning for birthdays, holidays and other events
• Buying gifts for family members, including her male partner's family members
• Making and working on to-do lists
• Delegating tasks to family members
• Overseeing tasks and making sure family members take care of assigned tasks
• Arranging playdates for the children
• Keeping a mental checklist of other tasks that need to get planned, delegated and done
• Many other responsibilities

How Does the Mental Load Affect Women?

The mental load is work done in addition to tangible household chores like cooking, cleaning, laundry and so on.

Many women feel especially drained by the mental load because not only is the list endless and tiring, it's often taken for granted by their male partner and children.

Overwhelmed by the Mental Load

The mental load often leaves women so exhausted that they have little or no energy for their own self care.  

Since many women feel overwhelmed by these tasks, they often report feeling dissatisfied with their relationships. 

This often means feeling emotionally and sexually disconnected from their male partner who isn't sharing in the mental load. 

If the mental load continues to fall disproportionately on the woman over time, it can contribute to the destruction of the relationship.

Why It's a Problem For Male Partners to Say, "You should've asked for help"

When women complain to their male partners, they often get a response along the lines of, "You should've asked for help," which is annoying and frustrating to many women.

Why? Because the question implies that the mental load is the woman's primary responsibility and the male partner is offering to "help" rather than sharing the tasks equally.

How to Share the Mental Load With Your Partner

• Talk to Your Partner About It: Even though you might have complained many times before about feeling exhausted from assuming the primary responsibility for the mental load, your partner might not have understood or, if he understood, he might have agreed to be better about it and then he quickly forgot about it. Don't wait until you're at your wits end. Make time to discuss this problem calmly when you both have time and privacy. Then, explain how you feel and how you're affected by all these responsibilities. Your partner needs to make a real commitment to change and then actually make changes.

• Share This Article: Sometimes when a partner reads an article, they're more receptive to change than when they feel you're trying to change or "fix" them. So, share this article so they can have another way to understand the concept of the mental load.

• Work Out a Way to Share the Responsibilities Equally: This can be tricky to work out. One possible way is to do things together. For instance, if you're usually the one who takes full responsibility for meal planning, work on it together. There might be some trial and error before you both feel you're sharing responsibilities equally, so think of it as a work in progress until you both get it worked out.

Give Up Control After Your Partner Shares the Mental Load

• Give Up Control: Once your partner shares responsibilities with you, you need to give up control. That means giving up on monitoring, criticizing or correcting your partner's way of doing things if it's different from your own. In addition, even if you and your partner are able to share the mental load equally, be aware that it's not unusual for heterosexual women to feel guilty about not living up to societal expectations with regard to traditional gender roles.

• Expect to Make Adjustments: As previously mentioned, it might take you and your partner many tries until you both adjust to sharing responsibilities. This usually isn't a one-and-done discussion. So, if you both know this in advance, you will expect it.

Getting Help in Therapy

Making changes in your relationship can be challenging--even when both people are motivated.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If both of you have been unable to make changes on your own, you could benefit from working with a skilled couples therapist.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Developing Insight in Therapy Isn't Enough to Make Lasting Change

There's a common misconception that if you develop insight in therapy, the insight alone will bring about lasting change.  But this isn't true (see my article: A Common Myth About Therapy: Therapy is All Talk and No Action).

Insight Isn't Enough to Make Lasting Change

Insight alone doesn't bring about change. Insight can help you to understand the problem, which is a good first step.  But you need a lot more than insight, especially when you want to make a major change.

Mind-Body Oriented Psychotherapy Combined With Action on Your Part Can Bring About Lasting Change

As I've written in a prior article, mind-body oriented therapy is also known as Experiential Therapy.

Experiential therapy, including EMDR, AEDP,  Somatic Experiencing and Parts Work, provides a window into the unconscious mind (see my article: Experiential Therapy and the Mind-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

Experiential Therapy can facilitate change on an emotional level rather than just on an intellectual level.  This means an emotional shift, which can be transformational when it is combined with taking action.

The emotional shift can be in how you feel about yourself, your problems and the necessary steps needed to make lasting change (see my article: Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Talk Therapy).

Are You Willing to Do the Work in Therapy to Make Lasting Change?

Over the years I've received many calls from people who have been in therapy with other therapists for years but who haven't changed. 

Often they'll say that they gained a lot of insight into their problems and their therapist was nice, but their problems remained the same.

In most cases these clients talked about their problems and the therapist helped them to make the connection between their personal history and their current problems. For most of these clients this was a good start, but that's where it ended.

Insight Isn't Enough to Make Lasting Change

How Contemporary Psychotherapy Has Changed

For the most part, contemporary psychotherapy no longer involves clients free associating to a neutral therapist who barely says a word the whole time. 

Contemporary psychotherapy is much more interactive these days with an active therapist and an active client.

Clients who want to make lasting change need to be willing to do the work. Beyond developing insight, this means taking steps--no matter how small--to make changes.  

I think many people don't realize that working on making changes in is a major commitment  in time and effort in weekly therapy.  

Unfortunately, there are some people who believe that the therapist is the one who does something to bring about the change they want.  But that's not how therapy works. 

In collaboration with your therapist, you have to be willing to make a plan so you can take steps to make changes (see my article: Making Changes Requires Taking Action).

Are You Feeling Stuck in Your Therapy?

If you're currently in therapy and you're feeling stuck, as a start, talk to your therapist so you can both assess how and why you're stuck (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Therapist When Something is Bothering You About Your Therapy and Overcoming Obstacles to Making Changes).

Sometimes there's a part of you that wants to change and another part that doesn't. This isn't unusual. Ambivalence is common for clients in therapy (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Change).

An effective way of working with these different aspects within you is to work with a therapist who does Parts Work Therapy, which is also referred to as Ego States Therapy or Internal Family Systems (see my article: How Parts Work Therapy Helps to Empower You).

Aside from talking to your current therapist, take time to assess your own willingness to take action.  If you're not ready to take any steps, you might not be ready to make changes at this point in your life.

If you continue to feel stuck after you have talked to your therapist and you have done your own personal assessment of your willingness to take steps to change, you can consult with another therapist who works in a different way to understand how another type of therapy might help you. 

Sometimes an adjunct therapy, like adjunctive EMDR therapy, can help to enhance the work in your current therapy (see my article: What is Adjunctive EMDR Therapy?).

When you attend an adjunct therapy, you remain with your current therapist and also work with an adjunctive therapist. 

Assuming your current therapist is willing, you provide consent to both therapists to share information about your therapy so they can collaborate on the work.

Being proactive in your own change process can be an empowering experience.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Are Negative Thoughts Getting in the Way of Your Sexual Pleasure?

On a recent episode of the Sex and Psychology podcast called "Change Your Mind, Change Your Sex Life" the host, Dr. Justin Lehmiller and his guest, Dr. Kelly Casperson, a urologist, talked about how to get into the right mindset to have pleasurable sex (see my articles: Are You Distracted By Negative Thoughts About Yourself During Sex?, Keeping the Sexual Spark Alive and Women's Sexual Self Discovery).

Negative Thoughts Can Keep You From Enjoying Sex

Distractions Keep You From Enjoying Sex

According to Dr. Lehmiller, people are accustomed to multitasking more than ever--like listening to a podcast while you're driving or cleaning the house.  

Similarly, some people multitask in their mind.  But multitasking in your head while you're engaging in sex gets in the way of your being fully present in the moment sexually.  It keeps you distracted and affects your ability to be present with a partner or during solo sex (see my articles: Reconnecting With Your Inner World Without Distractions).

Negative Thoughts That Can Rob You of Sexual Pleasure

Similarly, your negative thoughts could be robbing you of sexual pleasure.

Here are some common examples of negative thoughts that get in the way of sexual pleasure:

• Having Frequent Thoughts About a Negative Body Image: If, instead of being focused on your pleasure, you're focused on negative thoughts about your body, you're not in the moment.  You're feeling bad about yourself and you might also be imagining your partner doesn't like how you look. Not only does this take you out of the present moment, it takes you into a negative mindset where you're feeling bad about yourself (see my article: Is a Negative Body Image Ruining Your Sex Life? and Are You Sabotaging Yourself With Negative Self Talk?)
• 
  

Negative Thoughts About Body Image

• Dismissing Your Own Pleasure Because You Believe Sexual Pleasure is Only For Your Partner and Not For You: Thinking of sexual pleasure as being for someone else and not for you keeps you stuck in a negative mindset before you even begin to have sex.  These thoughts can be hard to detect because they often operate just outside of your awareness.  While it's good to want to please a partner, your sexual enjoyment is also important. 

• Distracting Thoughts About Other Things You Need to Do: If you're focused on things you need to do, your mind is somewhere else instead of being focused on sexual  pleasure.  These thoughts create stress which is the opposite of being relaxed enough to enjoy sex.  The reality is that whatever time you spend enjoying sexual pleasure probably won't make that much of a difference with whatever is on your to-do list.

Negative Thoughts About Your To-Do List

• Worrying You Don't Have Time For Sex: This is related to distracting thoughts about other things you have to do.  It's a common negative thought that gets in the way for many people.  To put this in perspective, think about how much time you spend watching TV or on social media.  According to Dr. Lehmiller, sex research reveals that heterosexual couples spend 15 minutes (on average) and lesbian couples spend about 30 minutes each time they have sex, so in the scheme of things, sexual activity doesn't usually take that long (see my article: Accessing Sexual Energy).

• Worrying About Not Getting Spontaneously Turned On: Everyone is different when it comes to sexual arousal. Some people can get turned on by just thinking about sex.  Other people, including most women, experience responsive desire, which means they need more time to get turned on--it doesn't happen for them spontaneously the way sex is portrayed in the movies. Whether you respond spontaneously or you're more responsive, it's all normal (see my article: Spontaneous Sexual Arousal and Responsive Sexual Arousal Are Both Normal).

• Focusing on Sexual Performance:  This type of negative thinking is similar to worrying about not experiencing spontaneous desire.  The more you can let go of thoughts about performance and goal-oriented sex, the more you can relax and enjoy yourself.  Rather than worrying about having an orgasm, reframe the way you think about sex to focus on pleasure.  Enjoy the moment rather than focusing on a goal (see my article: What is Performative Sex?).

Focusing on Sexual Performance Instead of Pleasure

• Worrying About Sexual Frequency:  A common negative thought involves sexual frequency--having enough sex or too much sex. Comparisons to other imaginary people who are "doing it right" becomes the focus. When you compare yourself to other people, you're taking yourself out of your own sexual experience. 

Feeling Guilty and Worrying About Sex

• Feeling Guilty That Sex is "Bad" or Wrong: Whether these thoughts are coming from your family history, religion, culture or some other source, if you believe sex is wrong, you're probably going to have a hard time enjoying it.  Maybe you don't really believe this deep down anymore, but you could have old negative "tapes" going through your mind that don't allow you to enjoy sex.  These thoughts can intrude on your experience.  If they intrude to the point where they take you out of the experience, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in this area.

The examples listed above are some of the most common negative thoughts that keep people from enjoying sex.  There are many more.

How to Overcome Negative Thoughts About Sex

The first step in making any change is usually to become aware of the problem because when the problem is outside your awareness, you can't change it. 

So, here are some suggestions about how to change a negative mindset to a more sex-positive mindset:

• Take Time Before You Engage in Sex to Focus on Sexual Pleasure: Instead of relying completely on a partner to get you turned on, focus your thoughts on sexual pleasure.  This could mean taking a few minutes to watch a sexy movie, read an erotic story or listen to music to get you in the mood.  It doesn't have to be more than a few minutes--just enough time to help you to transition from whatever you were doing before to what you're about to experience sexually (see my articles: Sexual Pleasure and the Erotic Self - Part 1 and Part 2).

• Write Down Your Thoughts About Sex: Thoughts can be fleeting.  Writing helps you to become aware of and capture your thoughts (see my article: What Are Your Core Erotic Themes?).  How do you really feel about sexual pleasure? Do you feel entitled to pleasure?  

Write Down Your Thoughts About Sex

• Write About Your Sexual Fantasies: Most people have sexual fantasies and they aren't even aware of it.  They know they have erotic thoughts, but they don't think of them as fantasies.  Writing about sexual fantasies helps you to get into a positive mindset for sexual pleasure (see my articles: Exploring Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame and The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies).

• Write About Your Most Pleasurable Sexual Experiences: If you had pleasurable sexual experiences in the past, what were those experiences?  Write about what made them pleasurable (see my articles: What is Your Erotic Blueprint? Part 1 and Part 2, Discovering Your Peak Sexual Experiences).

• Become More Sensually Aware: You can experience sensual pleasure in many ways when you engage your five senses, including what you see, hear, taste, feel (tactile), and smell:

• Taking a bubble bath to relax and get back in touch with your body
• Smoothing on your favorite lotion after you shower 
• Enjoying certain scents that increase your sensual pleasure, like perfume or incense 
• Savoring a delicious meal to increase your sensual awareness
• Listening to music that relaxes you and puts you into a sensuous or sexual mood
• Listening to an erotic audiobook
• Watching a sexy movie

Becoming Sensually Aware

• Use Affirmations to Help You to Change:  It's important to think of making this type of change as a process.  It's a journey.  It's not a one-and-done event. Taking small steps often helps more than trying to change everything at once. Affirmations can help you in the change process in terms of becoming aware of the change you want to make and actually making the change.  Dr. Casperson mentioned that it's important not to get caught up in toxic positivity where you're telling yourself you have already made the change.  Not only is this unhelpful--it's also disingenuous.  For instance, it's better to say something like, "I'm working on accepting my body" instead of "I love my body" when you're really struggling to accept your body image.

• Become Aware of Your Sexual Motivation:  Dr. Lehmiller mentioned two different types of motivation when it comes to sexual pleasure: approach motivation and avoidance motivation.  An example of approach motivation is seeking love or pleasure, and an example of avoidance motivation is having sex solely to avoid your partner becoming resentful.  Approach motivation helps you to enjoy sex.  It can also give you a dopamine hit that is pleasurable.  Avoidance motivation takes you away from pleasure (see my article: Understanding Your Sexual Motivation).

• Identify Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes: For many people it's easier to identify the sexual brakes (e.g., worrying about unpaid bills, incomplete tasks, etc) instead of the turn-ons, which are the sexual accelerators.  If you know what turns you off, you can often just reverse it to come up with what turns you on.  For instance, if you know that being tense is a sexual turn-off, then you can think about a relaxing activity that might help you to get turned on (see my articles: Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes - Part 1 and Part 2).

• Develop an Open and Curious Mindset:  Instead of worrying about what can go wrong during sex, get curious and anticipate what will feel good (see my article: Developing a Different Perspective By Reframing).

• Breathe as a Way to Tune into the Sexual Mind-Body Connection: Focus on your pelvis area and image you can breathe in and out through your pelvis.  Not only can this help you to relax, but it can also make you more sexually aware mentally, physically and emotionally (see my article: Learning to Relax With Square Breathing).

• Practice Mindfulness to Enhance Your Sexual Desire: Sex researcher Dr. Lori Brotto recommends practicing mindfulness as a way to enhance sexual desire (see my article: How Can Mindfulness Help With Low Sexual Desire? and Reconnecting With That Quiet Place Within Yourself).

Conclusion

Negative thoughts can come at any time--before, during and after sex.  It's a common experience for many people.  

You can overcome habitual negative thinking related to sex by taking steps to become aware of your thoughts and making an effort to change these patterns.

If you have been unable to change these patterns on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed psychotherapist who has an expertise in sex therapy.

About Me

I am a New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Making Big Changes: The Role of the Unconscious and Why You Might Not Be Able to "Just Do It"

Making a major change in your life--even a change you really want--can be challenging.  Many self help books and motivational coaches urge people to "just do it!" as if you could just power through to automatically change.  Although this might be true sometimes, this is a superficial view of what it takes to overcome an emotional block you might encounter when you want to make a big change. What is often overlooked is the role of the unconscious mind in the change process (see my articles: Making the Unconscious Conscious and Experiential Therapy and the Mind-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

Making Big Changes: Why You Might Not Be Able to "Just Do It"

On the surface, it seems logical: You want to make a change in your life, so you make a decision to do it and it gets done. But we now know that most of mental processing occurs on an unconscious level. 

So, although you might think you can just push yourself to make a major change, your unconscious mind initiates the process or, as often happens, gets in the way of your making the change.

Clinical Vignette

The following vignette, which is a composite of many cases with all identifying information removed, illustrates how the unconscious can get in the way of making a major change and how experiential therapy can help:

Alice

When Alice came to therapy, she was frustrated and confused about why she was procrastinating with starting a new project she really wanted to do, which involved a major change for her.

Alice told her therapist that there was no doubt in her mind that she wanted to take advantage of this new opportunity to write for a prestigious journal. She knew that being able to publish her scholarly articles would give her the professional exposure she wanted and open up new doors for her.  

And yet, she explained, whenever she thought about submitting her articles to the journal editors, she felt so much anxiety that she got a headache and upset stomach. She tried to reason with herself that there was nothing to cause her discomfort, but she still felt so anxious that she couldn't even sit at her computer.

This left Alice feeling confused and frustrated because she just couldn't understand what was holding her back.  She was also aware that if she procrastinated too long, the editors might withdraw their offer and she didn't want that to happen.  So, to buy herself some time, she negotiated a delay and the editors accommodated her, but she knew she couldn't delay indefinitely.

Prior to coming to therapy, Alice worked with a life coach to help her to get motivated.  The life coach gave Alice various exercises to do, including writing about her core values.  He encouraged her by telling her to remember her past successes, and he also advised her to do affirmations about her new goal. But nothing worked--she still felt sick whenever she thought of this new opportunity.

Not only was she unable to start, but she also felt like there was something seriously wrong with her because her inaction didn't make sense to her.  Her life coach advised Alice that whatever was creating the obstacle for her was beyond the scope of coaching, and he advised her to seek help in therapy so she could work on a deeper level.

Alice's therapist explained to her that, even though, on a conscious level, Alice wanted this opportunity, she was encountering an unconscious block that was getting in the way.  She also explained how they could uncover this block using Experiential Therapy (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy).

Her therapist described the various types of Experiential Therapy, which use the mind-body connection, like EMDR therapy, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and clinical hypnosis,. She explained how these modalities uncover and overcome the emotional blocks that were getting in Alice's way (see my article: The Unconscious Mind and Experiential Therapy).

Over time, Alice's therapist helped Alice to get into a relaxed state so she could use a method called the Affect Bridge to go back to the earliest time when she felt this type of anxiety.  Her therapist explained the Affect Bridge could get to the root of what was triggering Alice's anxiety to uncover the problem.

During one of the sessions using the Affect Bridge, Alice recalled a memory she had not remembered in a long time:  When she was in high school, she came home from school feeling very excited because her English teacher said she wanted to recommend Alice to be a writer on the school newspaper.  Alice loved to write and she had always wanted to write for the paper. But when she told her mother about it, her mother frowned and told her, "Don't forget where we come from."  

Since Alice was a very obedient child and she knew her mother disapproved of her writing for the high school paper, she turned down the opportunity, which made her sad; however, she didn't want to make her mother unhappy.

Later on in that same therapy session, when her therapist was debriefing her, Alice explained that her parents immigrated from Eastern Europe just before Alice was born.  They had very little money when they came and they relied heavily on other family members, who were already in New York, to help them until Alice's father was able to get a job.  They often recalled their impoverished circumstances and the importance of family by saying, "Don't forget--always put family first."

Recalling that memory also prompted other memories where her mother disapproved of other opportunities that were presented to Alice.  Each time it was as if her mother believed that these opportunities would create a wedge between Alice and her.  

Even the thought of Alice going to college was fraught for her mother--until Alice's guidance counselor convinced her mother that Alice would have better job opportunities if she went to college.  This was something her mother understood because it involved work and survival, so she relented, but she wouldn't allow Alice to go away, so she had to go to a local college.

Recalling those memories caused Alice a lot of sadness and anger.  Even though she loved her family and she had been especially close to her mother, she wished she had been able to defy her mother to take advantage of these opportunities.  But, she explained, as a teenager, she didn't dare.  She was too afraid of standing up to her mother, and she believed it would break her mother's heart.

"But why is this affecting me now?" Alice asked her therapist, "I'm 45 years old, and both of my parents are long gone" (see my article:  Reacting to Your Present Circumstances Based on Your Traumatic Past).

As they continued to work together using Experiential Therapy, Alice realized that, even though her mother was no longer alive, her internal experience of her mother still had a powerful influence on her.  She realized that her mother didn't understand and she feared that if Alice took advantage of these opportunities, Alice would begin to move away from her family emotionally or physically.

Gradually, Alice also realized that, unconsciously, she was still trying to appease and reassure her mother that she was still loyal to her family.  Even though her parents had been dead for a number of years, this unconscious wish was still very much a part of her.

After Alice had this realization, she knew it was not only important to her career that she write for the journal--it was also important for her emotional development to stop operating under these longstanding unconscious thoughts. 

So, with some mixed feelings, she submitted her first article to the journal.  She also continued to work in therapy to grieve for what for the opportunities she missed in the past and to overcome some lingering guilt she felt about doing something she knew her mother would have felt threatened by if she were still alive.

Experiential Therapy Helps You to Overcome Emotional Blocks

Her therapist helped Alice to work through the earlier trauma using EMDR therapy, so Alice was able to let go of the remaining emotional blocks and work on her new project without guilt or hesitation.

Conclusion

The unconscious mind has a powerful role in your decision-making.  So when you encounter an obstacle in making a decision or moving forward with a plan, your unconscious mind is likely involved.

Sometimes there's an old unconscious emotional block, like "I'm not good enough" or "I'm unlovable," which is out of your awareness, which keeps you from making the changes you want (see my article: Overcoming the Internal Critic and Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

Experiential therapy can help you to make the unconscious conscious, as illustrated in the vignette above, so you're free to live fully in the present without trauma.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you've been struggling with a problem despite your best efforts to solve it, you could benefit from working with an experiential therapist.

Rather than struggling on your own, you can overcome the obstacles holding you back so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Making a Change Requires Taking Action: Psychotherapy Can Help When You Feel Stuck

Developing insight into your problems is a necessary part of psychotherapy.  But if you want to make changes in your life, you also need to take action.  In most cases, insight alone isn't enough to bring about lasting change (see my article:  Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Therapy is "All Talk and No Action" and Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Going to Therapy Means You're Weak).

Making a Change Requires Taking Action: Psychotherapy Can Help

Making a Change Can Be Challenging
There's no doubt that making a change can be difficult, especially if it's a significant change from what you've always done in the past.

People usually experience some ambivalence, even for changes that they really want to make, and this ambivalence can play out in your psychotherapy (see my article: Starting Psychotherapy: It's Not Unusual to Feel Anxious or Ambivalent).

Making a Commitment and a Plan to Change Usually Helps
Having a strong commitment to change can be helpful to overcome your ambivalence.

As opposed to having some vague idea of what to accomplish, having a plan can help you to start taking steps.  This plan doesn't have to be carved in stone.  It can be flexible enough to change with your developing sense of self, what you want, and your circumstances.  But you want to have the sense of moving forward rather than stagnating.

Overcoming Unconscious Saboteurs Within You
Progress, especially personal progress, is rarely linear.  Usually, along the way, you take two steps forward and one step backwards.

When you're ambivalent, it can be very helpful to give each part of yourself that has different feelings a "voice" to express the ambivalence--whether you do this with your psychotherapist using Ego States therapy or you do it on your own at home by writing (see my article: Having a Dialogue in Writing With the Different Parts of Yourself).

There might be unconscious parts of yourself that are sabotaging your progress.  For instance, there might be a part of you that feels, "You don't deserve to change" or "You don't deserve to have anything good in your life."

These unconscious parts can act as internal saboteurs and get in your way.

Once you've discovered the part or parts of yourself that are holding you back, you can address those parts to find out why they're afraid of making the change.  Then, you can find out from them what they need to feel reassured--whether it involves taking small incremental steps to accomplish your goals or taking care of that part of you, which might be traumatized, in therapy.

This is obviously easier if you're in therapy with a psychotherapist who does Ego States therapy,  some form of parts work therapy or a technique called the Affect Bridge in clinical hypnosis.

Until that unconscious part of you is discovered and addressed, you might keep looping around your goal without understanding what's getting in your way.

Who or What is Holding You Back From Making Changes?  
Aside from your ambivalence or unconscious internal saboteurs, another problem that could be holding you back is if you're working with a psychotherapist who believes that making a change, any kind of change, takes a very long time (see my article: Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Therapy Takes a Long Time).

I've heard this idea again and again from many psychotherapists, especially psychotherapists who tend to work in an outmoded way, spend their time among other psychotherapists who have the same traditional beliefs, and who haven't updated their skills.

This is how they were trained a long time ago, and this is what they continue to believe despite the many changes that have been made in the mental health field (see my article: A Psychotherapist's Beliefs About Psychotherapy Affect How Your Psychotherapist Works With You).

While it's certainly true that change is a process and some changes can take a long time, when a psychotherapist believes that all changes take a very long time, that's how this psychotherapist will approach your problems.  Then, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.

In some cases, it might be true that it's too soon, especially if the client is emotionally fragile and wants to take action that would be emotionally harmful to him or her.  In those cases, the psychotherapist is being a responsible mental health professional.

If you're honest with yourself, you can determine whether you're holding yourself back or if you're in a therapy where you're being held back.  If it's the former, as I mentioned before, it's important to discover what's going on in your inner world that's holding you back whether you do this on your own or with your psychotherapist.  If it's the latter, you might need to find a new psychotherapist, especially if you've been going around in circles for a long time.

Sometimes, it's a combination of the former and the latter--there's an unconscious collusion between the client and the psychotherapist where both of them are unaware that they're getting in the way of the client making changes.

Getting Help in Therapy
When you go for a consultation with a psychotherapist, ask the therapist what his or her philosophy is about psychotherapy and change.

This is not about asking "How long will it take for me to change?" because no one can predict that.  Rather, it's about asking the therapist about his or her general philosophy about therapy and making changes (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

If you've been trying unsuccessfully on your own to make changes in your life, you could benefit from working with a contemporary psychotherapist who works in a dynamic, interactive way, as opposed to a psychotherapist who believes that all change takes a very long time (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

By being proactive with regard to finding the psychotherapist who is right for you and making the changes that you want to make, you can make greater progress in your therapy and in your life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples in a contemporary and dynamic interactive way.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Preparing Emotionally For Major Changes in Your Life

Nothing ever stays the same indefinitely in life.  If you think back on your life over time, you realize how many changes you went through.  Change is inevitable and it can be hard, so preparing emotionally for major changes makes sense.

See my articles 

Midlife Transitions: Reassessing Your Life

Midlife Transitions - Part 2: Living the Life You Want to Live, 

Making Changes: Overcoming Ambivalence, 

Fear of Change 

Moving Out of Your Comfort Zone).

Preparing Emotionally For Major Changes in Your Life

There are some changes that happen so suddenly that you might not get a chance to prepare for them emotionally:  A sudden job loss, an unexpected medical problem or the unexpected betrayal of a friend.  But there are many expected changes, like going to college, starting your first job, getting married or retiring that you can prepare for emotionally.

Basic Steps to Preparing For Major Changes in Your Life:

• Acknowledge to yourself that change can be difficult and that you might be emotionally challenged in unexpected ways.
• Know that it's normal to feel some anxiety about change.
• Assess your situation and get as much information as you can before you make the change.
• Get input and support from trusted friends, family members and people who have gone through this type of change before.
• Weigh your options.
• Make a decision and come up with a plan.
• Take responsibility for making a decision and seeing it through.
• Take extra care of yourself and expect that the decision making process and the change might take more of a toll on you than you expect, even when it's a change that you consider to be positive.
• After the change has taken place, reassess your plan and make any necessary changes.
• Maintain contact with your emotional support system.
• Get help in therapy if the change is overwhelming or brings up unresolved issues from the past.

Fictionalized Vignette About Preparing Emotionally For a Major Change

Tom
Tom and his wife, Helen, had been talking about retirement for several years.

When they first started talking about it five years before, it seemed like it was a long way off.  But now that they were a year away from retirement, it suddenly seemed to loom large for Tom.

They had already decided that they would remain in New York City because they loved the city, especially the cultural events.  They also had most of their family and friends in New York, so they didn't want to leave.

Helen decided that she would get more involved in a charity where she already volunteered.  After retirement, she could spend more time doing what she loved.

Preparing Emotionally For Major Changes in Your Life

But Tom wasn't sure what he wanted to do.  He knew that he would enjoy the first few weeks of being able to relax, but he also knew that he would get bored after a while if he just hung around the apartment.

He had already gone to his financial advisor, so he was clear on what their financial situation would be.  He had also looked into their health benefits plan and social security benefits, so that was taken care of already.

He just wasn't sure what he wanted to do with his time, and the more he thought about it, the more worried he got.

His other worry was that he associated retirement with death because his father died shortly after he retired.

Even though he was in good health and younger than his father when he retired, Tom still couldn't get this fear out of his mind.

He talked to his friends and family members, who were either retired or close to retirement.  After talking to them, he felt better for a short time, but then his fear would creep up on him again and cause him to lose sleep.

In the past, Tom had a good experience with psychotherapy, so he decided to return to his former therapist to deal with his anxiety and indecision.

As soon as he sat in his therapist's office, he remembered how comforted he felt in the past during their prior sessions, so he was glad that he returned to her rather than seeking out another therapist.  But he wondered if she would be able to help him with his current fear.

As they talked about how he associated retirement with death, Tom remembered how worn out and tired his father was by the time he retired.  Working a physically taxing job, his father looked at least 10 years older than his actual age.  The job had taken a toll on his health and he died less than a year later, which was devastating for Tom.

When he was last in therapy, Tom came for overcome a specific phobia he had about flying, so he had never talked much about his relationship with his father during his prior therapy sessions.

As he talked about his father's physically demanding job and his subsequent death soon after retirement, Tom broke down in tears unexpectedly.  He was upset about the loss and the fact that his father didn't get a chance to enjoy his retirement.

Then, he verbalized a thought that he had never been consciously aware of before:  If his father didn't get to enjoy his retirement, why should he deserve to enjoy his upcoming retirement?

The overwhelming feelings of guilt and sadness surprised Tom.  Now, he was beginning to understand why he was having difficulty planning what he might want to do with his free time:  Not only was he afraid of death, which was related to his father's death, but he also didn't feel that he deserved to enjoy his retirement because of his father's experience.

Tom thought he had grieved the loss of his father a long time ago, but he felt the loss again as if it happened yesterday.

He had taken care of the practical aspects of his retirement, but he couldn't overcome the feeling that he was undeserving.  And he only realized that he felt this way once he began talking to his therapist.

Tom's therapist helped him to understand that major life changes could bring up issues from the past.  She also explained that Tom was experiencing his grief for his father on another level where Tom had an unconscious identification with his father (see my article: An Unconscious Identification With a Loved One Can Create an Obstacle to Change).

Over time, Tom expressed how he wished he could have done something to spare his father from death.  Until now, Tom had blocked out these feelings about his father's death.  Now, he realized that these feelings that he blocked out for so long were coming up and creating obstacles for him.

Tom also felt guilty that his father worked so hard to put him through college, and maybe if he didn't work so hard, he might have lived longer.  But he also knew that his father was so proud when Tom graduated college, especially since Tom's father never had an opportunity to go to college.

Tom's therapist encouraged Tom to keep a journal between psychotherapy sessions to capture any thoughts, feelings or dreams that might come up (see my article:  The Benefits of Journal Writing Between Therapy Sessions).

He found writing in the journal especially useful because it deepened his understanding of his problems, and he was able to bring in his journal to the next session to talk to his therapist.

During his therapy sessions, Tom realized that he was only remembering the hard times that his father had and not the good time that he had with Tom and Tom's mother.

When he realized that he was mostly focused on his father's hardships to the exclusion of the happy times, Tom decided to write about his father's life.  So, between sessions he wrote short stories about his father, and he shared his writing with his therapist during each session.

As Tom wrote about his father, he realized that his father had many happy times in his life.  He also felt closer to his father than he had felt in a long time.

As he worked through the loss of his father on this deeper level, Tom began to feel lighter.  He no longer felt afraid of dying after he retired because he was able to separate his upcoming experience from his father's.

Preparing Emotionally For Major Changes in Your Life

Tom allowed himself to start thinking about what he would want to do after he retired.  He knew that he didn't want to spend his time playing golf or going to the casino, as some of his friends did.  He wanted something much more meaningful.

As he was considering the possibilities, he received a notice in the mail that the local elementary school was looking for volunteers for their reading program and a light went off in his head:  He loved little children and he loved reading, so this would be perfect for him.

As Tom talked about volunteering for the reading program in his therapy session, he felt a new sense of energy and enthusiasm.  He also realized that he no longer felt guilty about his father.  In fact, he knew his father would be proud of him for working with children.

Conclusion
Whenever you're facing a major change in your life, there are usually practical considerations to address.  But there also emotional issues to address as well.

No matter what type of change you're planning for, the practical considerations might be straightforward or, at least, there might be logical steps to follow.  But preparing emotionally can be more challenging, especially if there are issues that might be unconscious, as they were for Tom in the fictionalized vignette.

These unconscious emotional issues, which can be challenging, are often difficult to resolve on your own.

Getting Help in Therapy
When faced with a major change, whether it's one your chose or one that has been suddenly placed before you, you might be challenged in unexpected ways.

Even when you recognize that some of your fears are irrational, that's often not enough to banish those fears.

Sometimes the support of loved ones isn't enough or you might not feel comfortable talking to them about the emotional obstacles that are in your way.

Rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from getting help from a skilled psychotherapist, who can help you to overcome those fears.

Being able to face your fears and deal with them in the light of day can be a freeing and transformational experience, so don't hesitate to get help in therapy.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to prepare emotionally for major changes and to overcome emotional obstacles.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.