How to Quiet Your Overthinking Mind

The first step in quieting your overthinking mind is becoming aware of what you're worrying about and how it's affecting you.

How is Your Overthinking Mind Affecting You?

Worrying can take a toll on your physical and mental well-being.

How to Quiet Your Overthinking Mind

Take a step back and notice your thought patterns. When you have a moment to yourself, do you use it to relax or do something you enjoy or do you engage in repetitive thinking where you worry about whether you forgot to perform a task or if you overestimated how much someone likes you or something else you worry about?

If you tend to engage in worrying, notice how it affects your mood and how it affects your life. What's the primary emotion behind your overthinking? Are you feeling irritable, nervous or guilty? 

Being aware of the effect of overthinking also includes having bodily awareness. This means you notice your bodily responses, which might include tense shoulders, feeling tightness in your chest or clenching in your stomach--just to give a few possible examples.

How to Quiet Your Overthinking Mind

When you're aware of how you're thinking and the impact it's having on you, you have a better chance of changing it.

What Are Some Tips to Stop Overthinking?

• Distract Yourself With An Activity You Enjoy: Go to your favorite workout class or take up a new hobby. Whatever you choose, make it something that will occupy your mind.

How to Quiet Your Overthinking Mind

• Breathe: Learn square breathing to calm yourself. This can also take your mind off whatever you're ruminating about.  

• Meditate: Mindfulness meditation can help you to quiet your mind and be in the present moment rather than worrying about other things.

• Develop a Broader Perspective: To gain perspective on non-urgent matters, ask yourself if you will care about this non-urgent matter in five or ten years. By gaining a broader perspective, you can learn to prioritize other matters that are more important.

How to Quiet Your Overthinking Mind

• Help Others: Rather than worrying, consider helping others. For instance, your friend who has a young child might appreciate a break if you watch her child. You can also volunteer to help those less fortunate than yourself.

• Learn to Reframe Your Negative Thoughts: Instead of going to the worst case scenario, reframe your thoughts to consider possible positive outcomes (see my article: Develop a Different Perspective Through Reframing).

• Validate Yourself For Your Successes: Instead of focusing on things you feel you didn't get right or things you worry about not getting right in the future, acknowledge and validate your successes--no matter how small (see my article: What is Self Validation?).

How to Quiet Your Overthinking Mind

• Take Action: Instead of worrying about the things you have done or haven't done, take action to do things you can take care of now. This can be empowering and give you a sense of accomplishment.

• Embrace Your Fears: Learn to accept that some things will always be out of your control and, instead of trying to push your fears away, embrace them.

How to Quiet Your Overthinking Mind

• Practice Self Compassion: Shift your thoughts and feelings from worrying to practicing self compassion.

Get Help in Therapy: 

If you have been unable to quiet your overthinking mind with self help tips, consider getting help in therapy. 

Get Help in Therapy

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to stop overthinking so you can live a more fulfilling life,

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Changing the Negative Stories You Tell Yourself

Do you have negative stories you tell yourself about who you are? 

If you do, you're not alone. These stories are shaped by your experiences and they also shape your perception of yourself.  So, if the narrative you are telling yourself is negative, you're likely to believe these distortions.

See my articles: 

How Psychotherapy Can Help You to Change Distorted Thinking

5 Steps For Challenging Distorted Negative Thoughts About Yourself

Changing the Negative Stories You Tell Yourself About Who You Are

In Mark Epstein's books,  Going on Being and The Zen of Psychotherapy, he discusses the negative narratives his clients often cling to and how it affects their perspective of themselves.  He discusses this based on the intersection of psychotherapy and Buddhism.  However, to benefit from these concepts, you don't have to believe in Buddhism or even be a spiritual person.

How Do Personal Narratives Develop?

Personal narratives are developed through your early experiences even before you have any awareness of them and the effect they have on you.  This means they are often unconscious (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

Personal narratives are often impacted by the hopes and fears your parents had for you if they projected these stories onto you. Then, you take them in on a deep level even before you are aware of it.

For instance, if you grew up with parents who told you that you could strive to accomplish whatever you want, all other things being equal, you will most likely grow up feeling self confident and entitled to pursue your dreams.  

But if you grew up in a family where your parents believed the world is a dangerous place  and you shouldn't expect too much in your life, you will probably feel anxious and scared to pursue your dreams or you might not even allow yourself to have personal hopes and dreams. (see my article: Overcoming the Effects of Childhood Trauma).

Becoming Aware of Your Personal Narrative

Before you can change your personal narrative, you need to become aware of the stories you are telling yourself (see my article: Developing Self Awareness and Making Personal Changes).

This can be challenging because, as previously mentioned, these old stories develop so early and they become ingrained in you.  Over time, you might have even come to develop a strong identification with these stories--so much so you don't experience any separation between the stories you are telling yourself and who you really are. So, you need to have a way of observing your personal narrative.  

Many people find mindfulness meditation to be an effective way to observe and become aware of the thoughts and emotions.

When you begin a mindfulness practice, you might find yourself distracted by irrelevant thoughts and other distractions.  But if you continue to develop your mindfulness practice over time and you can let go of self judgment, you can begin to notice and question these negative perceptions.

People often think they aren't supposed to have unrelated thoughts during mindfulness meditation, but your thoughts will automatically come.  Rather than expecting not to have thoughts or trying to suppress these thoughts, just observe them and then let them go as if they could float away on a cloud.

Changing the Stories You Tell Yourself About Who You Are

Awareness is the first step.  

Are you happy with what you have observed?  Is this what you want for yourself?

After you become aware of an old negative narrative, you can attempt to step outside your experience to question whether this narrative is true and ask yourself where it came from (see my article: You Can't Change Your Past, But You Can Change How Your Past Affects You Now).

It's not unusual for there to be unconscious reasons for maintaining and reinforcing negative stories based on your fears about change.  There might be an unconscious belief that by maintaining the status quo, you are keeping yourself "safe."  But playing it "safe" can also keep you stuck (see my article: Are Your Core Beliefs Keeping You Stuck?).

Journaling about what came up in your meditation is helpful in terms of making sense of and questioning your thoughts and emotions about yourself.

Where is the evidence for the negative stories you are telling yourself?  

Can you consider other alternatives?

Rewriting Your Personal Narrative

What if you write a new narrative that is closer to your authentic self and you step into that narrative to see how that change feels (see my article: Becoming Your True Self)?

Rewriting your narrative doesn't mean you tell yourself you had a wonderful childhood if you didn't. That would be a false narrative.

Instead, acknowledge your negative memories, write about them and, without negating the traumatic impact they had on you, also look at what you might have gained from these experiences so you can begin to reframe them in a larger perspective.  

For instance, in addition to the adversity and emotional pain, did you learn anything of value from them?  Did you develop strengths as a result of these struggles?

When you discover and acknowledge the strengths you developed as a result of these experiences, you can begin to see your personal narrative with a new expanded perspective.

Overcoming Trauma That Affects Your Perception of Yourself

When you are struggling with unresolved trauma you developed early in your life, you might be too overwhelmed by emotional triggers and related thoughts and emotions you developed from the trauma.

Although you can still look at your personal narrative in a larger perspective, when your trauma symptoms are active, you will probably need the help of a therapist who is a trauma specialist to help you overcome these symptoms and the related negative personal stories you tell yourself (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

In the next article, I'll expand on this discussion: How a Negative Personal Narrative Develops From Unresolved Trauma and How Trauma Therapy Can Help).

Getting Help in Therapy

By definition, trauma is overwhelming.

If you are struggling with unresolved trauma, you owe it to yourself to seek help from a licensed mental health professional who helps clients to overcome trauma.

Freeing Yourself From Effects of Your Traumatic History

Freeing yourself from the effects of your traumatic history can change how you feel about yourself and allow you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Reframing Social Connection with Intentionality to Create Meaningful Connections Online

We are social beings, and the need and impulse to connect with others is real, especially during a crisis (see my articles: Coping Wih Loneliness and Social Isolation and Undoing Aloneness: Staying Socially Connected Even Though We Are Physically Distant).

We have a need to feel held, embraced and safe in the company of people we trust.  This need to be with others helps us to co-regulate each other's well-being.  This need to be in close physical proximity to others is also in direct conflict to the more pressing need right now to physically distance ourselves from each other to avoid getting getting the COVID-19 virus.

Reframing Social Isolation with Intentionality as You Connect With Loved Ones Online

How to Overcome the Negative Impact of Social Isolation During the COVID-19 Crisis

There's no question that physical distancing from others is necessary during this pandemic.  If you're not essential workers, you must stay home and only go out only when necessary using the precautions recommended by the Center For Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).

Remaining at home and physically distant isn't just difficult because you're feeling bored, more importantly, it goes against human beings' basic instincts to connect with others. 

As people become more physically isolated, the mind and the body go into defensive mode. After a period of being physically/socially isolated, people often become more anxious, fearful and worried (see my article:  Common Reactions to the COVID-19 Crisis: Fear and Anxiety).

Given that physical distancing creates a paradox between the needs of your nervous system and your need to survive this pandemic, how do you take care of your need for social connection?

Reframing Social Connection Online with Intentionality

Although you can't be physically connected with friends and other loved ones, you can remain connected online with intentionality.

What Does It Mean to Communicate with Intentionality?
When you're with someone in person, both of you are picking up or attuning to conscious and unconscious signals that you're both sending with regard to what's going on between you.

Aside from the words and the body language, you're picking up on other implicit cues you sense in person about what's being communicated. Sometimes the words and what's being communicated on an unconscious level don't match.

For instance, someone might tell you that they're not angry with you.  But their body language, facial expressions, tension in their body, and the emotional resonance that you sense might be communicating something very different.  Whether you realize it or not, the words are less important than the other cues you're picking up from the other person.

Another example would be that when someone says, "I love you," aside from the words, you pick up on other cues to understand the meaning behind the words. Does the person's facial expression, body language, and other subtle forms of nonverbal communication, including the resonance you feel between you and them, match their words?  If not, you're not going to believe the words.

How to Communicate Online With Intentionality
Sometimes you might not perceive the nonverbal cues online. So, you need to be more intentional and explicit online than when you're with someone in person.  The good news is that there are ways to do this:

• Human beings are an adaptable species, so we often find alternatives to the ways we normally do things.

• Appreciate and normalize for yourself your impulse to connect meaningfully with others--even as you're inhibiting yourself from doing it in person to remain healthy.

• Monitor your body's need for these social connections. Be conscious of your emotional needs. Reach out to others when you feel the need and be kind to your loved ones who are reaching out to you (see my article: The Powerful Impact of Kindness During Stressful Times).

• Reaching out to loved ones online is powerful.  If online communication isn't available, the phone is the next best thing. Emailing and texting are better than nothing, but not as powerful as seeing and hearing one another.  The problem with texting and emailing is that these modes of communication don't provide facial expressions and voice intonation, which are critical for feeling socially connected.

• The value of seeing someone's face and hearing their voice is powerful to the nervous system and fulfills a basic need for connection.

• It's not about the words.  It's not about chatting or just getting caught up, although this has its place too.  You're not just exchanging content or news.

• Communicating with intentionality is more about conveying with your facial expressions, your voice and your behavior that you care.

• By communicating how much you care with intentionality, you and your loved ones are coregulating each other's nervous systems and well-being so that you feel emotionally and physically better.

• You can each feel a sense of well-being in your body and mind as you help each other to coregulate your well-being. You're feeling connectedness.  This can't be emphasized enough.  Coregulating by seeing each other, hearing each other's voices and communicating with intentionality is a way of grounding each other. You're being attuned with each other.  You're entering into each other's consciousness to say, "You're not alone. I'm here with you and I care about you."

Conclusion

Requiring people to physically isolate from one another is counter to what we are hardwired to do as social beings who need social connections for physical and emotional well-being.

As social beings, we coregulate our physical and emotional well-being through meaningful connections with others.  Yet, the current pandemic requires that we remain at home physically isolated from others.

Although we cannot connect in person, we can do the next best thing, which allows us to reframe social isolation: Communicate with intentionality by using the power of our facial expressions, our words, behavior and voice intonality to communicate that we care.  

Getting Help in Therapy

Many mental health experts are concerned about the long term effects of isolation and loneliness.  

If you're feeling overwhelmed, help is available to you through online therapy, which is also known as teletherapy, telemental health or telehealth (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy When You Can't Meet With Your Therapist in Person).

Therapists via Online Therapy, Also Known as Teletherapy, Telemental Health and Telehealth

Working with a licensed psychotherapist who can help you through this difficult time can help you maintain a sense of well-being.  

If you're feeling powerless during this time, you can overcome your sense of powerlessness by taking action: Contact a mental health professional who can help you overcome your fear and anxiety.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Emotionally Focused therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am working with clients online so we can remain connected.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist,

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How a Crisis Can Bring About Positive Change in Your Life

Sooner or later in life, everyone has to cope with a crisis.  It doesn't matter how much you try to avoid crises, they are an unfortunate part of life.  Sometimes, you can see a crisis coming in advance and prepare for it.

See my articles: Fear of Making Changes

Standing at the Crossroad: Fear of Making Major Life Decisions

Preparing Emotionally For Major Changes in Your Life  

Other times, a crisis occurs when you least expect it.  But in many cases crises can be opportunities to make changes that are, ultimately, for the better.

How a Crisis Can Bring About Positive Change in Your Life

People who are able to reframe crises into a possibility for an opportunity are better able to get through the chaos that crisis often brings (see my article: Developing a Positive Perspective About Reframing).

Let's take a look at some fictional scenarios, which represent common occurrences, that illustrates these points:

How a Crisis Can Bring About Positive Change in Your Life

Jim

Jim worked as a senior manager for his firm for over 25 years.  He had a good relationship with his boss and with his colleagues, who praised his work.  He thought he would ride out his last years at this company until retirement and then he planned to start his own consulting business.  But a few years before Jim planned to retire, he was laid off due to budget cuts.  His boss and his human resources director assured him that it had nothing to do with the quality of his work.

At first, Jim was paralyzed in fear.  He wasn't sure what he would do.  So much of his identity was tied up with his job (see my article: When Job Loss Means Loss of Identity).  When he told his wife about the layoff, she encouraged Jim to start his consulting company now and "Go for it!"  Although he was afraid, at first, within a year, he was making more money in his consulting business than he made at his former job, and he had more time to spend with his family.  So, what he initially experienced as a crisis turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

Betty

Betty was in a stagnant relationship that was going nowhere for a few years.  Although she wanted to get married and have children, she was afraid to leave her current relationship because she thought she would never meet anyone else.  Her rationale was, "The devil you know is better than the devil you don't know" and so she remained in this unhappy relationship (see my article: Are You Too Afraid to Leave an Unhappy Relationship?).  One evening, over dinner, her boyfriend, Ted, told her that he wanted to breakup.  He accepted a job out of state, and he didn't want to have a long distance relationship, so he thought it was better to end their relationship.  At first, Betty panicked.  Even though she was dissatisfied with the relationship, at least she had someone to have dinner with and to go to the theatre.  Now, she would have no one.  During the first few months after the breakup, Betty mourned the end of her relationship.

How a Crisis Can Bring About Positive  Change in Your Life

Shortly after that, a close friend introduced her to someone new, John.  After dating for a few months, Betty and her new boyfriend decided to be exclusive, and she realized that she was happier in this relationship than she had ever been.  Had she and Ted remained together, she would never started dating John.  What initially felt like a major crisis in her life turned out to be a positive change.

Donna

Donna had always enjoyed good health for most of her life.  But shortly after her 40th birthday, she had a mild heart attack and was hospitalized.  After she was discharged, her cardiologist spoke to her about her stressful lifestyle, including a stressful job that she hated and an unhealthy diet where she mostly ate on the run.  He told her that she would have to make changes to her lifestyle or she could have a massive heart attack, especially since there was a history of heart problems in her family (see my article: How Medical Problems Can Change How You Feel About Yourself).

Donna spoke with her husband about the changes she was thinking about--including leaving her stressful job.  Her husband encouraged her to do what she had always wanted to do--become a yoga teacher.  So, when she quit her job, and when her cardiologist gave his approval, Donna began a yoga training program.  Soon after she completed the yoga training, she began working for a local yoga studio, a job that she loved.  In retrospect, she realized that she probably would never have quit her stressful job to do what she really wanted if she had not had the heart attack.

Conclusion

Making changes in your life, even under the best of circumstances, can be challenging.  We often become comfortable with what's familiar, even if it's not what we want.

Making changes during a crisis is even more challenging because we're often not prepared for the crisis.  It can be like a tsunami that comes upon us suddenly.  

Being flexible, being able to reframe a crisis into an opportunity (if possible), and having emotional support can help you to make positive changes. 

But there are times when the crisis is so overwhelming that it is traumatic.

In other words, it's beyond what you can handle, and you might need help from a skilled mental health professional to help you to get through the crisis and come out of it more resilient than before.

Getting Help in Therapy

Everyone needs help at some point in his or her life.

Sometimes, friends and family, who are well-meaning, aren't helpful because they're part of the crisis or they're fearful of change so they can't see opportunities or alternatives.

When you're overwhelmed by a crisis, you could benefit from working with a skilled mental health professional who can help you to recognize your strengths and help you to regroup (see my article: The Benefits of Therapy).

Rather than struggling on your own, if you feel overwhelmed by a crisis in your life, seek help from an experienced psychotherapist who can help you to overcome the current obstacles so you can live a more fulfilling life (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I have helped many clients to overcome their problems so they could maximize their potential and live the life they want to live.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

A New Relationship: Understanding the Loyalty Dilemma for Someone Whose Spouse Died

In today's Sunday New York Times Modern Love section, there's an article by Eve Pell about her relationship with her husband (see link below).  One of the things that she mentions is that when they were dating, her then-boyfriend was hesitant about making a commitment to their relationship because he still felt loyal to his deceased wife, who had died several years before.

Understanding the Emotional Dilemma For Someone Whose Spouse Died
Reading this article brought to mind how common this experience is.  Rather than getting competitive with a deceased spouse, Ms. Pell, who sounds like a wise woman, understood her boyfriend's emotional dilemma and let him know.

Understanding the Loyalty Dilemma for Someone Whose Spouse Died

Instead of feeling like his love for his deceased spouse meant more to him than his love for her, she spoke to him about it with a lot of empathy.  She acknowledged that she understood, respected his feelings for his former spouse, and reframed the issue as there being enough room in his heart for both of them.  According to Ms. Pell, her boyfriend appreciated this and, eventually, they got married.

Working Through the Loss of a Deceased Spouse
There are times when people haven't worked through the loss of a deceased spouse and it keeps them stuck.  Each situation is different.  But reading Ms. Pell's article reminded me of how conflicted a person can feel with a new love, especially when the former relationship ended because of a death.

People, who are widowed, who are still in love with their deceased spouse, often feel that it's an act of disloyalty to begin a relationship with someone new.  Their spouse might be gone, but their feelings are still very much alive.  They might feel confused and not know how to reconcile the fact that they can fall in love with someone new while still loving their former spouse.  If the new love gets jealous and makes emotional demands too soon, it can create an even bigger conflict and ruin an otherwise good new relationship.

Reframing the Love and Loyalty Dilemma
Like Ms. Pell, it's often better to take an empathetic step back, try to understand your romantic partner's emotional dilemma and talk to him about it.  When the dilemma is reframed as there being room for both the deceased spouse and the new partner, it can reduce a lot of tension and offer options that your partner might not have seen before.  Your partner doesn't need to completely bury his feelings for his deceased spouse, which wouldn't be possible anyway.  It's really not an either/or question.  He can still honor the feelings he feels for her and make room for you.

Some people, who have lost a spouse, never get over it, and they're unable to make a commitment to a new relationship.  For other people, this issue works itself out with understanding on both sides.  Sometimes, the person who is widowed needs help in individual therapy to work it out.  Other times, it helps for both people to come into couples counseling to negotiate this problem.

Either way, I found Ms. Pell's approach to this common dilemma to be a mature and refreshing approach.  Thank you, Ms. Pell, for a heart warming article.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out  more about me, visit my web site:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.


The Race Grows Sweeter Near Its Final Lap--Modern Love, NY Times by Eve Pell (1/27/13)

Turning Lemons into Lemonade For Life's Ordinary Disappointments

There's an old saying about life's everyday disappointments: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Some people have such an extraordinary knack of being able to reframe life's inevitable disappointments to make a negative into a positive. 

Turning Lemons Into Lemonade For Ordinary Disappointments

They are the 10 or so percent of the population who are naturally optimistic. They can find the silver lining in the darkest storm clouds: Stuck in traffic? No problem, it's an opportunity to remember to breathe and relax. 

Their car needs repairs? No problem, it's an opportunity to walk and get more exercise.

Everyday disappointments and frustrations are taken in stride with their naturally positive attitude and resilience. For most of the rest of us, this is a way of being that doesn't come naturally and would need to be cultivated.

Ordinary Disappointments and Frustration

Before I go on, I want to stress that I'm referring to life's ordinary and inevitable disappointments and frustrations. I'm not referring to tragic losses or trauma. 

It would be cruel to expect, for instance, that a parent who loses a child would be looking for a silver lining in this loss--although, there are some very extraordinary people who galvanize themselves and find the strength to help others, even after tragic losses. 

Mothers Against Drunk Drivers and other similar groups are examples of this, but the ability to do that is different from reframing a loss or disappointment.

So, how can we learn to "make lemonade" when life gives us lemons? How can we learn to develop this skill that resilient and resourceful people have? And why is it important to learn this life skill?

Well, I'll address the second question first by saying that, on the most basic level, research has shown that people who have an optimistic attitude tend to be healthier and live longer. They feel confident and more in control of their lives. And, generally speaking, they tend to be happier than people who have a more pessimistic outlook on life, so the quality of their lives is better.

As to how to develop a more optimistic attitude, the first step is to have an awareness of how you think and respond to ordinary disappointments. Do you feel angry and defeated or are you able to take an everyday disappointment in stride?

To be able to determine this, you need to be able to step back in a non-defensive way and be honest with yourself. 

At times, this can be challenging, but if you can review in your mind how you handled the last few annoying incidents in your life, all things being equal, you would probably get a good sense of where you are on the optimism/pessimism spectrum. 

And I want to stress that there is a spectrum--it's not a black and white or all or nothing thing. And, of course, there are especially stressful times in life when you can feel overwhelmed and, even the most optimistic person would feel challenged, but I'm not referring to these times.

So, let's say that you've determined that you're someone who gets easily thrown by everyday disappointments and you want to learn to change the way you respond. How do you do that? My recommendation, after you learn to develop an awareness of your habitual pattern is to practice reframing these events for yourself.

Now, if you're a naturally dyed-in-the-wool pessimist, this will be challenging, no doubt about it. 

If the idea of reframing a relatively minor disappointment into a potential opportunity seems impossible for you, you might need to start by using your creative imagination to imagine how an optimistic person might look at it. Suspend disbelief and put yourself in the shoes of an optimistic person to fathom how he or she might reframe an annoyance or disappointment.

Even if, at first, this seems completely foreign to you, chances are that if you practice this diligently, you can change the way you think and respond to life's ordinary downturns. And the ability to reframe these disappointments can help you to be a more resilient and resourceful person who can respond to life in a creative way.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist who provides psychotherapy services to individuals and couples, including contemporary talk therapy, EMDR, clinical hypnosis, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapy

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Developing a Different Perspective Through Reframing

Often, the way that we respond to a situation has a lot to do with our particular perspective and attitude about it. One way to help yourself to look at certain situations or problems is to "reframe" them for yourself. By reframing, I mean looking at the same situation from a different angle to come up with other creative points of view.

Developing a Different Perspective Through Reframing

Here are a few vignettes that are examples of reframing:

Peg:
Whenever Peg met Susan for lunch, she would feel so annoyed because Susan was habitually 15 minutes late. Peg would sit and fume, thinking about how busy she was and all the things that she needed to do, and here she was sitting and waiting for Susan.

One the one hand, she felt like she was wasting her time waiting for Susan when she could be taking care of some of these other things. On the other hand, she also liked Susan very much and she didn't want to give up their lunches together because of Susan's problem with lateness.

One day, as she hesitated to pick up the phone to invite Susan to a lunch that she was sure Susan would be late for by 15 minutes, she decided that she needed to find another way to deal with this problem. She knew that she didn't have the power to change Susan, nor did she want to.

So, she thought about what change she could make, without giving up their friendship, where she could feel that her needs were being met. That's when an idea popped into her head: Instead of sitting and fuming about all the things that she needed to do, she could bring some of those things along with her and take care of them while she waited for Susan.

Developing a Different Perspective Through Reframing

It seemed so simple that Peg couldn't believe she had not thought of this before. So, the next time that she met Susan, Peg brought her checkbook and some of her bills with her as well as her Blackberry to respond to email. When Susan arrived 15 minutes late, as usual, Peg felt that she had taken care of what she needed to do for herself and she could now relax and enjoy Susan's company instead of being distracted with her own annoyance and impatience. What Peg did was take a situation that was normally annoying to her and reframed it for herself into a time when she could do some things for herself.

Linda:
Linda was a receptionist in a small firm. She had worked there for many years. One of her duties was to keep the daily appointment calendar listing clients who were coming to visit managers. She had never become accustomed to using the computer to keep track of these appointments, relying on a basic appointment book instead.

Linda was extremely meticulous about this appointment book. Her supervisor thought she was meticulous to a fault. In fact, Linda was a perfectionist. She hated it whenever anyone crossed out names in the book or when there was any kind of messiness.

She would sometimes scold the managers if they crossed out anything in the book, but she refused to write in pencil. She had very set ideas about what was appropriate and what was not. Her supervisor spoke to her a few times about trying to be more flexible in her approach and warned her that if she continued to berate the managers, she would be written up.

Linda decided that she needed to change her attitude about this, but she wasn't sure how to do this. Then, one day, one of the managers approached her desk and told her that one of the clients cancelled his appointment. Linda noticed that her supervisor was standing nearby watching her reaction as this manager crossed out the client's name in the appointment book. Linda held her tongue.

After the manager walked away, Linda's supervisor approached her and suggested to her that this could be a chance for Linda to reframe this situation for herself: It could be an opportunity to practice letting go of her perfectionism. Linda thought about it for a few minutes and the more she thought about it, the more she liked her supervisor's suggestion: Instead of getting angry and frustrated, she could use this situation to practice. After a while, Linda was able to reframe for herself what was once an annoyance as a challenge to change her attitude and, over time and with practice, her attitude did change.

Reframing: An Opportunity For a Positive, Creative Response
The vignettes above are simple examples of reframing. I'm sure you can think of many others where you can challenge yourself to reframe what is usually an annoyance into an opportunity to have a more positive, creative response:

• Getting stuck in traffic
• Dealing with a rude sales clerk
• Waiting for a train that is late
• Being placed on "hold" for a long time
• Missing a flight

With practice, reframing becomes easier to do. When we reframe our experiences, we use our creativity to look at the same situation in a different way. Reframing helps us to deal with stressful situations in a more effective way. Often, we can find a lesson that can be learned from a particular problem. The facts of the situation remain the same, but we reframe the issue for ourselves so that we develop a new perspective about it.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients learn to develop new perspectives to old problems through reframing.

To find out more about me, visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.