How Reliable Are Online Reviews of Psychotherapists?

In a New York Times editorial, The Wrong Type of Talk Therapy, Keely Kolmes, Ph.D., a psychologist in California, wrote about the problems with online reviews for mental health professionals--problems that occur for both clients and psychotherapists.  Another informative article about this topic was on SFGATE.com, 2-Star Therapist? Why Online Reviews Give Psychiatrists Anxiety).

How Reliable Are Online Reviews of Psychotherapists?

How Are Online Reviews of Psychotherapists Different From Other Consumer Reviews?

As Dr. Kolmes points out in her editorial, reviewing your plumber or the wait staff at a restaurant is different from reviewing your psychotherapist.  As an example, she says that chances are if a patron at a restaurant had to wait a long time for a meal, there were probably other patrons who experienced the same thing.  

But this isn't necessarily the case for a client's relationship with a psychotherapist.  Not only is the therapeutic relationship unique and personal, but what might not work well for one client would work very well for another.  What might annoy one client would be considered wonderful by another.  

Online Reviews of Psychotherapists and Mental Health Confidentiality Laws
As Dr. Kolmes points out, whereas plumbers and restaurant owners can respond to online reviewers, psychotherapists cannot due to confidentiality laws.  Psychotherapists are ethically and legally bound to maintain clients' confidentiality, so they cannot respond to online reviews whether they are positive or negative--even when the client provides their full name as the reviewer.  

So, anyone who reads a review of a psychotherapist online, who might not know that a therapist is not allowed to respond to the reviewer, might think that the therapist isn't interested in responding.

Reliability of Online Reviews of Psychotherapists or Other Mental Health Practitioners

Generally, there is a negativity bias with most reviews.  People are more likely to write negative reviews than positive reviews, so what appears online often isn't reflective of what most clients seeing a particular psychotherapist think of the therapist.

Also, there's often a "back story" to these reviews that online reviewers don't provide, so people who are reading the reviews often don't have the full story.

For instance, if the client came for a consultation for a particular type of therapy and the therapist assessed that the client isn't a candidate for this therapy, the reviewer might not reveal that the therapist explained the reasons and offered other services or offered to provide another referral (see my article: EMDR is a Transformative Therapy For Trauma, But There Are a Few Exceptions).

This is also true of rave reviews, which can be an over-idealization of the psychotherapist, or represent an erotic transference (see my article:  Psychotherapy and the Erotic Transference: Falling "In Love" With Your Psychotherapist).

Once again, the point is--whether the review is positive or negative--it is very subjective and personal.

How Online Reviews Are Harmful to Current and Prospective Clients

Many clients who post online reviews of psychotherapists use their names on the social media site without considering that their post is now available for everyone to see--including current and future employers.

While it's true, as Dr. Kolmes points out, that anyone can erase a review, there's no telling how many people have already seen the review.  An employer who is considering hiring a job candidate and who sees a ranting review might be concerned that this person might rant about them online too.  They might also be concerned that this person might lack good judgment or have little in the way of impulse control and, as a result, they shouldn't hire him or her. 

Prospective clients who rely on online reviews of psychotherapists--whether these reviews are positive or negative--are often getting a skewed view, as I mentioned earlier.

How Online Reviews Are Harmful For Psychotherapists

Whether or not a psychotherapist has a website, most private practice professionals are listed on online sites--whether they want to be listed or not.  These sites also encourage consumers to write reviews with no guidelines for how a review of a mental health professional is different from other reviews.   

A few negative reviews, whether they are justified or not, could ruin a psychotherapist's professional reputation, and the psychotherapist has little recourse since s/he cannot respond to the review due to confidentiality laws.

Medical Doctors and Dentists Are Also Getting Online Reviews and Taking Action

Within the last few months, I looked up the addresses for my eye doctor and my dentist, two professionals that I have seen for many years.  I consider them both to be top notch, dedicated professionals who go above and beyond for their patients.  This is why I was surprised and dismayed to see negative reviews for seemingly petty issues.  

In one case, a patient gave the doctor a negative review because she didn't like the way the doctor's biller interacted with her.  Based on what she wrote, it didn't seem like a major issue, but this patient gave the doctor the negative review.  

According to Dr. Kolmes, some doctors are taking action, based on advice from an organization called Medical Justice, by asking patients to sign an agreement that the doctor has control over any Web posting mentioning their practice.  Presumably, the idea is that it would allow the doctor to respond to a patient's negative review without violating confidentiality laws.  I'm not an attorney, but whether these agreements are legal is an open question in my mind.

Other Options to Online Reviews

Legal issues aside, I could foresee many problems if psychotherapists adapted the type of agreement that some doctors are using, and even more problems if psychotherapists actually responded to negative reviews, including damaging the therapeutic relationship.

I suppose one could argue that if the client is posting negative reviews--rather than speaking to the client directly--the therapeutic relationship might already be ruined.  But if a psychotherapist responds to an online review, it would surely be the final nail in the coffin for their relationship.  

I believe that it's a good idea for psychotherapists to ask clients for feedback from time to time to find out how they are feeling about the therapy.

If clients are encouraged to provide their therapist with ongoing feedback, it might reduce the likelihood that clients will feel they have no other option but to write a review online.  They would know that their therapist wants to hear and discuss the client's feedback.  

Beyond the momentary satisfaction that a client might get from writing a negative review, it usually doesn't accomplish much for the reviewer.  Many reviewers end up regretting their negative reviews when their anger has subsided.  It also doesn't resolve the problem between the client and the therapist. 

But if the client knows that s/he can discuss problems openly, it would open up an ongoing dialogue between the client and the therapist where, unlike an online review that the therapist might or might not see, they could actually work out any problems.  

This probably won't resolve problems for people who aren't clients, for instance--people who come for a one-time appointment or a consultation and never see the therapist again.  These people aren't clients until after the consultation when they decide to work together.  But for people who are actually clients, it might be a viable solution.

How to Communicate Your Dissatisfaction With Your Psychotherapist

Unfortunately, many people don't know how to communicate when something is bothering them about their psychotherapist or in their therapy (see my articles: Asking For What You Need in Therapy and  How to Talk to Your Psychotherapy About Something That's Bothering You in Therapy).

Some people, who feel too uncomfortable communicating anything negative to their therapists leave therapy prematurely (see my article: When Clients Leave Therapy Prematurely).

But there's a real missed opportunity when people hold back communicating their dissatisfaction directly to the therapist or leave therapy without ever saying anything.  This is especially true for people who were unable to communicate anything negative when they were growing up or who were not believed.

While no one enjoys hearing negative comments, psychotherapists are trained not to take criticism personally.  Also, when the problem is resolved between the client and the therapist, this is often helpful to the work and helps improve the therapeutic relationship (see my article: Ruptures and Repairs in Psychotherapy).

Getting Recommendations For Psychotherapy From Medical Doctors or From Friends

Rather than relying on online reviews, which are often unreliable, asking their doctor or a trusted friend for a recommendation for a therapist would be better.  

Although it would not be a good idea to see the same psychotherapist that a close friend is currently seeing, you could contact a therapist that your friend saw in the past.  This is especially helpful if your friend saw this therapist over time (rather than relying on an online review from someone who saw a therapist once or twice).  Also, you know your friend and know his or her judgment about these issues.  You can also ask your friend questions.

You might also want to meet with a few psychotherapists until you find someone that you feel comfortable with over time (see my article below about how to choose a psychotherapist).

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been trying to resolve an emotional problem on your own without success, you could benefit from seeking help in psychotherapy (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to work through your unresolved problems so that you can lead a more fulfilling life (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Holiday Time With Your Family: Balancing Your Expectations

We often get disappointed when we have expectations from our loved ones, especially around the holidays, about what we want and they might not want.  More often than not, if we try to impose our expectations on our loved ones, it's a recipe for disappointment and resentment.  Sometimes, we need to temper our expectations to be more flexible, recognizing that we can't change other people to make them do what we want them to do.

Holiday Time:  Can You and Your Loved Ones Balance Your Expectations?

New York Times Modern Love Article:  "A Holiday Built on Presence, Not Presents"
An article by Carolyn S. Briggs in yesterday's New York Times' Modern Love column caught my attention called "A Holiday Built on Presence, Not Presents" (a link to this article is provided at the end of this blog post).  She describes how she was disappointed last year when her adult children had a very different view of the Christmas holiday than she did.  Whereas she wanted a more traditional Christmas holiday, her children felt it was more of a "consumerist sham" of a holiday.

Ms. Briggs says she had hoped that they would all fill their Christmas stockings with messages of love and appreciation for each other, but her children weren't interested in this, which was very disappointing to her.

Ms. Briggs  also discusses how she was disappointed when she was younger during the time when her parents were divorcing.  She says that she and her brother pooled their money and bought and decorated their own tree because there was no tree that year.  In hindsight, she says she doesn't want to guilt her children into doing what they don't want to do on Christmas.  She has changed her expectations of what Christmas will be like with her family this year.

It's not unusual for adults to want to make up for what they didn't get as children.  There's something very sad about two children having to provide their own Christmas tree because the adults are preoccupied with their own problems.   Yet, we can't expect that, as adults, we'll always be able to make up for what we didn't get as children, especially when the experience involves other people, who might not want to go along with it now.

As I read Ms. Briggs' article, I couldn't help thinking about when I was a young adult and I had similar ideas to her children.

Coming from a very traditional family, when I was in my late teens and early 20s, I rebelled against these traditions and also felt that Christmas was all about consumerism.

But, as I was reading this article, I realized that my feelings have changed since then and I can now appreciate the holiday spirit.  I'm not cynical about the holidays, the way I used to be when I was a young adult.  My feeling is that, regardless of the consumerism, we can make the holiday whatever we want it to be.  We're not at the mercy of consumerism.

Reading this article, I looked back on myself as a young adult and thought about the times that I  must have disappointed my family when I didn't want to go along with tradition.  As I read the article, I could see both sides--Ms. Briggs' disappointment last year and her children's resistance.

As a therapist, I know that late teens and early 20s is an important time for young adults to develop their own ideas and become separate individuals from their families.  Seeing it from that vantage point, one could see why they wouldn't acquiesce to her wishes.

And yet, as someone who is a middle-aged woman now, I couldn't help wishing that Ms. Briggs' adult children had cooperated a little more--not because they believed in these Christmas traditions, but because they knew how important it was to her.

Is There a Way to Balance Our Own and Our Loved Ones' Expectations?
Could there have been some compromise?  I don't know.  Reasonable people could disagree.   This isn't a black and white issue.

But maybe the view that there might have been a compromise comes with age and life experience.  I couldn't have taken this view when I was younger.

When you're  a young adult, you're struggling to establish your own autonomy, which sometimes means having different feelings and opinions from your family.   When you're older and you're on your own, you have less to prove, and I think you can afford emotionally to be more generous.

In the end, I think Ms. Briggs came to the right conclusion--that even if your family doesn't experience the holiday in the same way that you would like as a parent, the most important thing is that you're together.

Wishing Everyone a Happy and Healthy Holiday.

I am a NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me

A Holiday Built on Presence, Not Presents
By Carolyn S. Briggs - 12/23/12 - NY Times - Modern Love

Psychotherapy Blog: Your Perspective About Relationships Can Affect If Your Relationship Survives

In a recent New York Times article by Anna North, Here's the Thing That Lasting Love is All About, she discussed how new research has determined that how you see your relationship--whether you see yourselves as "soul mates" or as two people "on a journey" who are facing obstacles and working together to overcome these obstacles--affects how you cope with problems in your relationship.

Your Perspective About Relationships Can Affect if Your Relationship Survives

According to the research that Ms. North cites in her article, people who see themselves as "destined" to be together, or as some people call it,"soul mates," often don't work as hard as people who take the view that their relationship is like a journey with its inevitable ups and downs.

The research that she mentions indicates that people in a relationship where they see themselves as destined to be together often feel their so-called soul mate is the one and only person and the relationship should be "easy."

This type of thinking implies that when things go wrong, as they invariably do, they often question whether this is actually the person that they should be with rather than working on their problems.

People who see their relationship as being part of a journey usually understand that there will be good times, bad times and in between times, and they will need to work on their relationship when problems arise.

Using the metaphor of a journey, helps them to take the long view rather than assuming that destiny will make for an easy relationship.

In many ways, the research that Ms. North cites in her article confirms what I have observed in my psychotherapy private practice in NYC working with individual adults and couples.

In addition, problems arise when each person in the relationship has different perceptions about relationships.

The following is an example of two people in a relationship where one person thinks in terms of soul mates and destiny, and the other person sees relationships as a journey (as always, this example is a composite of many different cases with all identifying changed to protect confidentiality):

Ann and Bill:
During the first three months of their relationship, Ann and Bill were very happy together.  They met through their political volunteer work and hit it off immediately.

Your Perspective About Relationships Can Affect If Your Relationship Survives

Bill had been in a couple of short relationships before that didn't work out.  But after he met Ann, he felt he understood why these prior relationships didn't work--because he was meant to be with Ann.  As far he was concerned, destiny brought them together and he saw Ann as being his soul mate.

Ann, who was a few years older than Bill, had been in a couple of long term relationships.  She had a different view of relationships.

Based on her prior her experience with relationships, she felt that after the initial stage of the relationship where everything is new and exciting, a couple will begin to confront issues that need to be worked on.  She considered her relationship with Bill to be new.

She knew they were still getting to know each other.  She also considered their relationship to be a long term process where they would deal with whatever issues came up along the way.

In their fourth month together, they got into an argument about how much time to spend together.  Until then, they were spending almost everyday together, and Ann was hardly seeing her friends.  When she told Bill that she wanted to have time to see her friends on her own, he didn't understand.

His feeling was that, since they were soul mates, they didn't need anyone else in their lives and they should be able to fulfill all of each other's needs.

So when Ann told him that she had certain interests that were important to her and that she knew weren't important to Bill, he began to question whether he and Ann should be together.

From Bill's point of view, soul mates shouldn't be having this type of problem:  The relationship should be easy and if they didn't see eye to eye about this, maybe they weren't meant to be together.

Bill's attitude upset Ann and she suggested that they start couples counseling.  But Bill wasn't sure that he believed in couples counseling.  He felt that if two people were meant to be together, they shouldn't need help from a therapist.

When he talked it over with his best friend, Andy, Bill was shocked to discover that Andy and his wife had been in couples counseling the year before for problems that they were having.

Bill always thought of Andy and Sally as being soul mates who were "perfect" for one another, so hearing that they attended couples counseling and worked through their differences challenged Bill's view of their relationship as well as relationships in general.

Andy encouraged Bill to keep an open mind and not look at relationships with such an "all or nothing" view.

Since Bill admired Andy and Sally, he decided to take his advice, even though it didn't feel right to him, and he agreed to attend couples counseling with Ann.

It took a few months in couples counseling before Bill became really open to seeing that relationships could be more complicated than he had imagined.

Your Perspective About Relationships Can Affect if Your Relationship Survives

Even after he began to accept this, part of him still wanted to believe that relationships were either "meant to be" or not.  He was giving up a romantic ideal that he had held for all of his life.

Over time, as Bill and Ann continued in couples counseling and Bill talked to other people that he knew in relationships, he realized that no one that he knew had an "ideal" relationship.  Everyone who had been together for a while had issues that they had to work on.

Gradually, Bill and Ann worked out a compromise over time in therapy.  Bill came to see, reluctantly, that he couldn't fulfill all of Ann's needs and she couldn't fulfill all of his needs.

Although Bill was disappointed about this at first, he also realized that this took a lot of pressure off each of them as individuals as well as the relationship.

Ann and Bill worked out a compromise that allowed each of them to have time together, time with their friends, and down time where each of them had time to themselves.

Rather than seeing their relationship as being part of destiny, Bill began to feel good that they were each choosing to be together because they wanted to be rather than feeling that a force beyond them was controlling things.

Your Perspective About Relationships Can Affect If Your Relationship Will Survive

Also, the tools that each of them developed in couples counseling helped them in many other areas of their relationship.

Having a Lasting Relationship
Most people who have been in stable long term relationships will tell you that their longevity is due in large part to their flexibility, the compromises that they have each been willing to make, as well as taking the long view, in realistic terms (as opposed to idealizing relationships), about their relationship.

Having a Lasting Relationship

Most of them would say that there were bumps along the road, but they didn't see these bumps as problematic in themselves.

What is most important, most couples would say, is how they go about navigating the bumps.

Getting Help in Therapy
Many couples benefit from attending couples counseling to help them negotiate the challenges that come with any relationship after a while.

If you and your partner are having difficulties that the two of you have been unable to work out on your own, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional who can help you to develop the skills and tools to be happier in your relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me

What Makes So-Called "Bad Boys" So Irresistible to Many Women? Brain Chemistry Might Be Part of the Answer

Are you a woman who usually falls for men who are considered so-called "bad boys" and neither you nor your friends understand why these guys are so irresistible to you?

What Makes So-Called "Bad Boys" So Irresistible to Many Women?

It Seems Counterintuitive: Women Who Are Usually Stable and Responsible Fall for "Bad Boys" 
Often, it seems completely counterintuitive because the woman who falls for "bad boys" is often the woman who is the most stable, responsible and kind person who never gets into trouble herself, but she falls in love with guys who are edgy, constantly in trouble, emotionally unavailable and sometimes abusive, and constantly breaking her heart.

Just a note before I go on:  I'm using the phrase "bad boys" as a shorthand expression that most people understand without having to go into a lot of detail.  But, in fact, I have a lot of empathy for these men, who often have a long history of trauma, and underneath that tough exterior, there's often a lot of fear and shame.  Of course, working with them as a psychotherapist is different from being in a romantic relationship or married to them and in a lot of emotional pain. 

Why Are So Many Women Drawn to "Bad Boys"?
There can be as many reasons as there are women who fall for guys who have a reputation for being "bad."

Some psychotherapists believe that women who are drawn to "bad boys" are working through unresolved trauma from their family history, especially if they had a father who was unreliable, irresponsible, and emotionally abusive.

Other psychotherapists believe that this dynamic involves a woman's need to "rescue" the man, who is often traumatized and in need of a lot of emotional support.

Other therapists believe that women in these types of relationships are masochistic.

All of the above theories, either individually or in combination, might apply to some women sometimes, but it often doesn't explain this dynamic for many women who had loving, stable fathers and who are not masochistic or in need of rescuing people.

The Brain Reward Circuit and an Irresistible Attraction to "Bad Boys"
Another interesting theory, proposed by Richard A. Friedman, MD, in his article, "I Heart Unpredictable Love" (NY Times) is that this type of attraction involves the brain reward circuit (see link below for the article).

According to Dr. Friedman, the brain reward circuit is a primitive part of the brain that is exquisitely attuned to rewards, whether they are rewards of money, sex, or food.

When the reward is unanticipated, the circuit releases dopamine which gives the person a pleasurable and exciting feeling.

Unpredictable Love and the Brain Reward Circuit

As a result, when you're involved with someone who is unpredictable, as so-called "bad boys" tend to be, you get a sense of pleasure and excitement from the brain reward circuit.  This, in turn, fuels your attraction and obsession, from the brain reward circuit.

It can feel like an "addiction" in much the same way that people who gamble compulsively feel addicted to gambling.  The difference is that you're "gambling" with the unpredictable nature of the relationship as well as your own well-being.

Often, you're unaware of this sense of pleasure and excitement that's being generated by the brain reward circuit.  In fact, your rational mind might be telling you that this guy isn't at all good for you and you should stay away.  But when the brain reward circuit is releasing the dopamine, you might find yourself with this "bad boy" despite what you know rationally.

Does This Mean That You'll Always Be Attracted to "Bad Boys" For the Rest of Your Life?
I've worked with many women who found themselves irresistibly drawn to so-called "bad boys" and who were able to overcome this problem.

Unfortunately, for some women, it often takes a lot of emotional pain before they override their brain chemistry to make healthy choices for themselves.  But just because you feel a sense of pleasure and excitement doesn't mean that you can't make healthy decisions for yourself.  You can.

Getting Help in Therapy
Relationships with "bad boys" can take its toll on you physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. That's a high price to pay.  And many women discover that, after being in a few of these types of relationships, they aren't as emotionally resilient as they used to be and it gets harder to move on.

If you have tried on your own to stop getting in emotionally unhealthy relationships, but you can't do it on your own, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional.

If you're motivated to change, you can learn how to override the impulse to get involved with men who are constantly hurting you.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, read my blog article:
The Heartbreak of the On Again-Off Again Relationship

I Heart Unpredictable Love - by Richard A. Friedman - New York Times

Another Study Reveals There's a Seasonal Pattern to Mental Health

Many clients that I see in my psychotherapy private practice in New York City tell me that they notice a seasonal pattern to their mood and that they tend to feel happier in the spring and summer when there's more sunlight as opposed to the winter when there's less sun.  

Study Reveals a Seasonal Pattern to Mental Health

Most of these psychotherapy clients who report a seasonal pattern to their mood don't meet the criteria for seasonal affective disorder.

Seasonal Pattern to Mental Health
There have been studies before that show a seasonal pattern to mental health.  

A New York Times article by Nicholas Bakalar discusses yet another study with similar findings (see link below for the article).  

The full research study is reported in the American Journal of Preventive Medicine.

It's great to have the research to back up what has been reported to most therapists for a long time.

Getting Help in Therapy
Whether you notice a change in your mood due to seasonal changes, current circumstances in your life, longstanding problems or for reasons unknown, rather than suffering alone, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

A Seasonal Pattern to Mental Health - Nicholas Bakalar - NY Times

The Challenges Many Gay Men Face at Midlife

Steven Petrow wrote an article for the New York Times in which he gives advice to gay men in midlife who feel "invisible" in the gay male community (see link below).

As a psychotherapist in NYC, who specializes in working with the LGBT community, I've heard many older gay men talk about the social isolation they feel in the gay male community because they say there is such an emphasis on being young in that community and, as older men, they feel like outcasts.

Add to this that older gay men have often lost many friends and lovers to AIDS and you can begin to understand the challenges that they face.

The Challenges Many Gay Men Face in Midlife

Older Lesbians, in General, Tend to Have More of a Social Network
As compared to older gay men, older lesbians, in general, tend to have more of a social network because there isn't such an emphasis on being young, and lesbians aren't as affected by AIDS as gay men.

I would be interested to hear from older gay men, who have experienced this type of social isolation, especially with regard to any useful strategies you would recommend for your peers.

I've included resource links below.

A Gay Man at Midlife Ponders Being Lonely and "Invisible" - by Steven Petrow - New York Times

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist
.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Resources:
Lesbian Gay Bisexual and Transgender Center - NYC

National Gay and Lesbian Task Force

Falling In Love With Your Best Friend

Falling in love with your best friend is a common theme in many books, movies, TV programs, and newspaper articles because it happens all the time, no matter how old you are.  

The phenomenon of falling in love with your best friend is often portrayed in stories about young people, but I've also seen it happen with people who are older.  It happens among heterosexual as well as gay people.  It makes sense that two people who have a lot in common and who have developed a bond based on trust and affection would fall in love with each other.

Falling In Love With Your Best Friend

What Are the Potential Positive Aspects of Falling In Love With Your Best Friend?

Developing a Romantic Relationship on a Solid Foundation
When the feelings have developed over time and they're mutual, it has the potential to be a wonderful experience.  Since you already know each other so well, your romantic relationship can build on a solid foundation.  If you're best friends, you already know each other's likes, dislikes, interests and opinions about important issues, like views on families, spirituality, finances, and so on.

If it's a long term friendship, you've probably been there for each other during hard times, which is an important element in a romantic relationship.  You probably also have other friends in common.

Developing a Romantic Relationship as an Extension of Your Friendship
Your relationship started as a friendship, and then a romantic spark might have developed between the two of you over time as you got to know each other better.

This tends to be a more stable way of developing a relationship than "love at first sight," although "love at first sight" works for many couples too.  It's just that when the experience is "love at first sight," the romantic chemistry isn't always enough to build a relationship on.  "Love at first sight" is often an unconscious process and, although it can be exhilarating, it's only a first step whereas a romantic relationship that started as a friendship usually has more substance.

What Are the Potential Negative Aspects of Falling In Love With Your Best Friend?

The potential positive aspects that I mentioned above are all based on there being mutual feelings between the two friends.  But romantic feelings between two friends aren't always mutual.

Getting a Sense of Whether Your Best Friend Has Romantic Feelings For You
This can be awkward and tricky.  If your best friend hasn't given you any indication that s/he also has romantic feelings for you, this doesn't mean that s/he doesn't.  It can just mean that you're both too afraid to reveal romantic feelings because you both fear losing the friendship, which is a real possibility.

Getting a Sense of Whether Your Best Friend Has Romantic Feelings For You

Sometimes, you can sense when your friend has a romantic interest in you, and you can broach the topic with some, but not a lot, of risk.  But if you can't tell, in my opinion, you'll need to use tact and be subtle in your approach.

Holding Back If Your Best Friend is Already in a Relationship
If your best friend is already in a relationship, there isn't much you can do.  You need to accept that your friend isn't available and learn to deal with your feelings.  Trying to do anything that would break up that relationship will back fire and, especially if your friend is married, you'll be perceived as "a home wrecker" or worse.  Even if your friend left the other person for you, trust issues could develop about your relationship together later on.

Deciding What to Do If There is No Possibility of Your Best Friend Developing Romantic Feelings For You
It's possible that the timing might be wrong.  But whatever the reason, this is often an emotionally painful and awkward role to be in, whatever role you're in in this situation.

If you've fallen in love with your best friend and you know there's no possibility of your friend feeling the same way, you and your friend have some decisions to make.

There are plenty of friendships that go on to survive and thrive under these circumstances...if you can work out how to handle it.  It might require that the two of you take some time apart for a while so that the romantic feelings subside.  After a while, you might be able to reconnect without damage to the friendship.  You might want to consider if you've been avoiding meeting and dating other people, and if you want to open up to new potential romantic relationships.

Whether you continue the friendship or you take a break, be aware that you'll need to be able to deal with your friend meeting, dating and, possibly, falling in love with someone else.  This isn't easy when you're still in love with your friend.

Be honest with yourself:  Will you be able to handle this or will it be too hurtful for you, even if you take a break?  Will you feel too resentful or jealous?  Only you can decide this.

Falling In Love With a Best Friend Happens in "Real Life," Not Just in the Movies
Falling in love with your best friend doesn't just happen on TV or in the movies.  Movies like "When Harry Met Sally" are popular because they resonate with many people who have had this experience. Knowing that this is a common experience, hopefully, helps you to realize what you're experiencing isn't unusual or strange.

Knowing the potential risks and rewards can help you decide what to do about your feelings.  There are many people who try to avoid dealing with this situation because they're too afraid of risking the friendship.

Falling In Love With Your Best Friend Happens in "Real Life"

While, as I've mentioned, there are potential risks, in my opinion, it would be even sadder to find out years later that  a relationship was possible at an earlier time but that, unacknowledged, these feelings fizzled out for your friend and, although you might still be interested, your friend's feelings changed over time because you were both too afraid to talk about it.  But only you can decide what's best for you.

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Examples of Falling In Love with Your Best Friend:

"When Harry Met Sally"

"My Best Friend's Wedding"

New York Times - Modern Love: A Life Plan for Two, Followed by One

When the Breakup of Your Relationship Involves Your Ex Saying Goodbye to Your Child

Relationship breakups are difficult enough even under the best of circumstances.  But they're particularly difficult when you're a single parent and you have a young child who has become emotionally attached to the person you were dating.  It's a loss for you and your ex, but it can be even more heart breaking for your child, especially if s/he spent a lot of time with your ex.

Breakups Are Even More Difficult When Children Are Involved 

Wait Until the Relationship is Solid Before Introducing Your Child
When psychotherapy clients, who are single and dating, have young children, I usually recommend that they wait until the new relationship is solid before they introduce their children to their romantic partner.

It's easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of a new romantic relationship during the early stage of courtship and become overly optimistic about the potential longevity of the relationship.  If you introduce someone new to your child before the time is right, your child will feel the loss and, possibly a sense of abandonment, if your relationship ends.

There's no science to gauge how long you should wait.  In most cases, I would recommend that you wait a minimum of six months.  Of course, a lot depends upon the relationship and the age of your child.  And, you should be aware that even infants become attached to people with whom they spend time.

When the Breakup of Your Relationship Involves Your Ex Saying Goodbye to Your Child

Modern Love Article
In Sunday's New York Times' Modern Love column, Laurie Sandell wrote an article called "How to Break Up With a 2-Year Old" where she discusses this issue from the perspective of the ex who must say goodbye to her ex-boyfriend's child (see link below).

It's an interesting article.  I'd love to hear more from the perspective of people who have children who go through breakups like this.

Among my psychotherapy clients who have young children and who have ended relationships, generally, they feel they have a very difficult time.  Not only do they deal with their own grief about the breakup, but they must comfort their children, who often miss the ex and are too young to understand why the ex is no longer coming around.

Young children tend to be naturally egocentric and they often blame themselves if someone they care about isn't around any more.  This is generally true whether it involves a breakup or a death.  So, don't think your child is "too young" to feel hurt.

Although children can be resilient, use good judgment and err on the side of caution when you're trying to decide when to introduce your child to a new romantic partner.  And if you do have the misfortune to go through a breakup with someone your child was emotionally attached to, you need to be extra nurturing and comforting with your child.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

New York Times - Modern Love: How to Break Up with a 2-Year Old - by Laurie Sandell

Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships: Unrequited Love

One of the most difficult things to do is to let go of an unhealthy relationship where there is unrequited love.  When you're in a relationship with someone that you love, but who doesn't love you, it's emotionally painful and eroding to your sense of self.  The other person might have his or her own reasons for remaining in the relationship with you but, for you, the focus becomes hoping and doing whatever you can to try to get your partner to love you.  

Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships:  Unrequited Love

For many people, being part of a relationship where their love is unrequited is an unconscious repetition  of a childhood dynamic with either emotionally absent or narcissistic parents.  The unspoken message from childhood as well as in adult relationships in this dynamic where you love, but the other person doesn't love you, is "You're not good enough."

Achieving clarity about the unhealthy nature of this type of adult relationship is hard because the person who wants to be loved is often completely focused on how to get the other person to love him or her.  Rather than putting him or herself first, this person places the other person's emotional needs first, to his or her own detriment.

A person can become so locked in this dynamic that he or she doesn't see it.  Friends and family often see it before he or she does.

Knowing this, the person whose love is unrequited not only feels the shame of not being loved by the person s/he loves but also feels ashamed that others are making judgments about it, even if loved ones never say anything about it.

When someone, who is involved in a relationship where his or her love isn't returned, comes to therapy to deal with the pain of this dynamic, it's the therapist's job to help this person become aware of the dynamic without being in denial about it.

With awareness comes the ability to make a choice about what to do.  Whether you make a choice to stay or leave, you're no longer a victim because you're consciously making a choice.

An article in yesterday's New York Times, in the Modern Love section, by Hannah Selinger, reminds me of this dynamic (see link below).

Getting Help in Therapy
There are few things sadder than looking back towards the end of your life and regretting that you wasted time with someone who doesn't love you or who doesn't treat you well.  You might realize, at that point, that if you had let go of that relationship earlier, you might have found someone who would have loved you.  But life is short and there aren't any "do overs," so this realization often doesn't help you.

If you're in a relationship where you're the one who is in love, but you know your partner doesn't love you, you know how much this hurts.  If you can get to the point where you can admit to yourself that this has become too painful, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional, someone who can be objective and nonjudgmental about your situation.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, you can visit my web site:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

New York Times: Modern Love - "Friends Without Benefits" - by Hannah Selinger

Research Study: We're Not Good Predictors of Who We'll Be in the Future

According to a recent New York Times article by John Tierney, a study finds that even when we're able to look back and see that we've changed over the years, we're not good predictors of what we'll be like in the future (see link below).  According to the article, which was conducted with 19,000 people between the ages of 18-68, people expect that, in the future, they won't change much from who they are now.

Research: We're Not Good Predictors of Who We'll Be in the Future

The End of History Illusion
The researchers who conducted the study called this phenomenon "the end of history illusion" because people tend to underestimate how much they'll change in the future, despite how much who they are now changed from the past.

People who participated in the study were asked about current personality traits and preferences (favorite foods, vacations, hobbies, etc) as compared to the past.  They were also asked to make predictions about their personality traits and preferences for the future.  The article indicates that people tended to play down the potential of their changing in the future, assuming that they would be pretty much as they are now.

In the Future, How We'll See Who We Are Now
According to the New York Times article, one of the study's authors, Daniel T. Gilbert, Harvard psychologist, indicated that most people in the study didn't realize that, in the future, they'd look back on who they are now with the same amusement or chagrin as they currently look back on their former selves.

Speculating as to why this phenomenon occurs, the researchers hypothesized that one reason might be that people feel a certain comfort with feeling that they've already reached the peak of their personal evolution, so they don't think they will change in the future.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my web site:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why You Won't Be the Person You Expect to Be - 
New York Times - by John Tierney

Life After the Divorce

Most people I know, who are newly divorced, tend to speak of their lives in terms of "life before the divorce" and "life after the divorce."  Even when their divorce represents the end of a marriage that was filled with animosity and rage at the end, they still tend to feel some ambivalence about parting from someone they once loved and who once loved them.

Life After Divorce

There are often ambivalent emotions after a divorce
I have a friend who is newly divorced.  At this point, she looks at her life in terms of "before the divorce" and "after the divorce."  While she's mostly relieved to be unattached to her ex, who was cheating on her with many different women and she doesn't miss her ex, she still looks back on the good times they had when they were first married, "He was so charming then.  We were so in love." She was the one who initiated the divorce and, overall, she's glad that she's not with a man who was unfaithful to her.  But, like many people who go through a divorce, I still detect a sense of ambivalence in her voice when she talks about how in love they were when they first got married.

Everyone's experience of divorce is different - New York Times "Modern Love" article
Of course, everyone's experience of getting a divorce is different, whether they were the ones who initiated the divorce or they were the ones who wanted to reconcile or it was a mutual decision.  But I haven't met anyone (at least, not yet) who is having a party or an "unbridled shower,"as they're called in yesterday's Sunday New York Times article by Judith Newman: The Unbridle Shower- Celebrating Divorce not with-a Whimper But a Bang.

I had no idea that, as the New York Times article states, there are high-end party planners who organize parties for people who are divorced or soon to be divorced that are like bridle showers.

The article mentions that there is actually a fireworks company in England that can be hired for these occasions to set off fireworks that spell out "free at last."  Apparently, some people who are getting divorced even list themselves with store registries so their friends can buy them gifts for their "unbridled shower."

And here's another thing I didn't know:   there are divorce party specialists (http://divorcepartysupply.com), according to the article, who will "celebrate your new freedom".

As I was reading the article, I felt myself getting increasingly annoyed with descriptions of devil-horn tiaras, Alice in Wonderland costumes, and "penis pinatas" at these "unbridled showers."  Someone in the article even mentioned that since gay men and lesbians can now get married and, hence, they can get divorced, this might mean even more divorce parties.  Is this something to look forward to?

After I finished reading the article, I wondered: What's making me feel so annoyed?

The conclusion I came to is that there was a frivolous attitude to the article.  This might not have been the writer's intention.  But the way I read it, it sounded like an "out with the old" and "in with the new" attitude in the article, a sort of cast-off-that-old-marriage-and-walk-in-the-sunlight-of-your-new-life kind of attitude.

As a society, are we really so cavalier about our relationships?

I'm certainly not suggesting that people who are newly divorced should spend their days with the sheets pulled over their heads (although, you could understand someone feeling that way initially).  But a divorce party cake with a bride on top holding a knife over the groom's mutilated body?

The important of emotional support after a divorce
I do like the idea of friends and family coming together to be supportive of someone who is getting divorced.  People who are going through a divorce often need a lot of social support.  

There was one person in the article whose friends bought him new kitchen utensils to replace the ones that were kept by his wife after the divorce.  This was obviously a supportive gesture to help this person move into the next stage of his life.  

I also liked that one person received a beautiful piece of sea glass as a gift to symbolize survival and endurance through a difficult time.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Oxytocin, Trust and Empathy

After I wrote my post yesterday about psychotherapy, gratitude and balance, which was in keeping with the Thanksgiving holiday, I read a fascinating article by Nancy Angier in the Science Times section of the NY Times that piqued my interest. The article is called 
The Biology Behind the Milk of Human Kindness.

Relationships: Oxytocin, Trust and Empathy

Research Links Oxytocin to Increased Levels of Trust and Empathy
Ms. Angier discusses new research linking the hormone, oxytocin, to increased levels of trust and empathy. (Oxycotin is a naturally-occurring neurotransmitter in mammals--not to be confused with the drug, Oxycodan).

Relationships: Oxytocin, Trust, Empathy

Prior to this research, researchers have long known that oxytocin has aided in child birth (many doctors inject women in labor with oxytocin to induce labor), breast feeding, and that it usually increases naturally during sexual arousal and orgasm.

Oxytocin Facilitates Bonding and Has Implications For Relationships
Researchers have also known that increased levels of oxytocin facilitates bonding between mothers and babies in humans and other mammals. It is also generally accepted that when there is sexual chemistry between two people, there are high levels of oxytocin and when there is a lack of sexual chemistry, there are lower levels of oxycotin.

Oxytocin Facilitates Bonding and Has Implications For Relationships

However, this new research, which links increased levels of oxytocin with a greater capacity for trust and empathy has important implications for our relationships.

If you haven't read Ms. Angier's article in Science Times, I recommend that you take a look at it to understand the connection between oxytocin and our ability to feel trust and empathy in our relationships (see link that I have provided at the top of this post).

About Me

I am a NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

One of my specialities is helping individuals and couples to enhance their personal and work-related relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Workplace Issues: Strategies for Dealing With Malicious Gossip

I came across an interesting article in the New York Times by John Tierney called Can You Believe How Mean Office Gossip Can Be?  It was based on a journal article in the Journal of Contemporary Ethnography. 

Workplace Issues:  Strategies for Dealing With Office Politics and Malicious Gossip

Considering the fact the many of us spend at least eight or more hours in an office and gossip is part of most organizations, this is an important issue to explore.

Years prior to my becoming a psychotherapist, I was a human resource manager. In my prior career. I saw, first hand, the negative effects of gossip, which included undermining and, in some cases, ruining people's career.

Workplace Issues: Strategies for Dealing With Office Politics and Malicious Gossip

People engage in office gossip for all sorts of reasons. Some people, who work in organizations where there are reorganizations or layoffs looming, gossip to deal with the stress of the situation, the lack of information, and to try to give and get information. The problem is that the information is often wrong.

Other people gossip to vent about the boss or top management when they feel disempowered in their work environment. The obvious danger with this is that you could lose your job if the boss finds out that you're talking about him/her. The other problem is that this kind of gossip can undermine your entire office, which could have repercussions in how others, including future prospective employers, see you. They could easily say, "If the boss is a incompetent, everyone under him is probably incompetent too.

Workplace Issues: Strategies for Dealing with Office Politics and Malicious Gossip

Even if you don't lose your job because you're gossiping about the boss, frequent malicious gossip can produce a toxic office environment where the group's dissatisfaction grows, festers, and feeds on itself, reducing morale and making it a very unpleasant place to work.

Some people gossip because they're bored or dissatisfied with their jobs. Others hope to form certain alliances among a particular group of employees while alienating other employees.

Gossiping might seem like a harmless diversion and it might bring about a certain temporary cohesiveness within the group where the gossiping is taking place. But there is usually a certain amount of suspicion within the group, "If he's gossiping about her, he's probably gossiping about me too." And, of course, this is often the case.

One situation that was not explored in the article is when employees purposely start a cycle of gossip as a way to intentionally sabotage an employee. If you happen to be that employee, it can be extremely difficult to combat this form of sabotage because you might not be able to find out who started it and you might not be able to control it due to the covert nature of the gossip.

When you're in a work setting where there's a lot of office gossip, it's hard to avoid. John Tierney's article suggests certain strategies if you happen to be part of a gossipy group and you feel uncomfortable.

One suggestion is to say something positive about the person being maligned. This makes it difficult for others to continue to talk negatively about that person. Another strategy is to change the subject, a subtle suggestion that you're not interested in engaging in this gossip. A third recommendation is that you suggest, in a tactful manner, that you and others get back to work.

Workplace Issues:  Strategies for Dealing with Office Politics and Malicious Gossip

In my opinion, one of the most effective strategies for discouraging office gossip is for top management to encourage employees to come forward with their dissatisfaction.

Now we all know that many managers talk a good game about having an "open door policy," but not all of them mean it. Employees quickly pick up on the disingenuousness of this, and it creates more bad feelings. But if employees see that top management is genuinely concerned and problems are addressed and resolved, this can go a long way towards decreasing office gossip.

But what can you do if the boss is the one who is gossiping to you about his/her colleagues, superiors or your coworkers? This situation is not addressed in the article. This is obviously a very ticklish situation where you may be damned if you do and damned if you don't join in the conversation with your boss.

Tact and diplomacy are essential, and you might suddenly "remember" that important call that you need to make to a client or the report that's due today, making it necessary to excuse yourself. If possible, you might also consider looking for another job before it's your turn to be the object of your boss's disaffection.

Whether we like it or not, gossip is a fact of life in most offices. Men and women both engage in it.

Learning to deal with office gossip requires tact and maturity as you balance your need not to participate with the reality that, for as long as you're in this work environment, you still need to work with the worst offenders of office gossip.

About Me
I am a NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients deal with workplace and career issues.

To find out more about me, visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.