Arousal Non-Concordance and a History of Sexual Abuse

In an earlier article, I wrote about arousal non-concordance to explain what it is and to normalize it as a common experience for many people (see my article: What is Arousal Non-Concordance?).

Arousal Non-Concordance and a History of Sexual Abuse

What is Arousal Non-Concordance?

Arousal non-concordance occurs when there is a disconnect between how someone feels physically and how they feel emotionally and psychologically.

Arousal non-concordance can occur when someone feels physically aroused, but they don't want to have sex. 

It can also occur when someone wants to have sex, but they don't feel physically aroused.

What is the Difference Between Sexual Desire and Sexual Arousal?

Arousal non-concordance highlights the difference between feeling sexual desire and sexual arousal.  

Sexual desire is a psychological state. It's a state of mind which is often described as being "in the mood" to have sex.  Desire is often influenced by thoughts, emotions and the particular context a person is in.

Sexual arousal is a physical response which can include changes in erection and lubrication. 

Sexual arousal is often triggered by visual or physical cues or memories.

Sexual desire and sexual arousal often go together--but not always. This is evident with arousal non-concordance.

Examples of Arousal Non-Concordance

The following short vignettes are just a few examples of arousal non-concordance:

• Liz and Jane: Liz feels sexually turned on when Jane kisses her. But when Jane touches Liz's genitals, she discovers Liz feels dry. As a result, Jane assumes Liz doesn't want to have sex so she stops kissing her. She assumes that if Liz was turned on, she would be lubricated. So, Liz tells Jane that, even though she's not wet, she really wants Jane, so they continue to kiss and make love.

• Mary and Bill: Bill touched Mary's genitals and she knew this meant he wanted to have sex. But she had a headache and she wasn't in the mood. She told Bill that she loves him, but she would rather wait until the morning to have sex after her headache goes away. Bill was confused and said to Mary, "You're so wet. I don't understand how you're not in the mood." Mary explained to him that her body was sexually aroused, but she wasn't  desiring sex at that moment. By the morning, Mary's headache was gone away and she and Bill enjoyed sex.

• John and Ed: John and Ed were in bed when John told Ed that he wanted to have sex. But during foreplay Ed noticed that John wasn't getting an erection so he stopped kissing and touching him because he assumed that John didn't desire him. At that point, John explained that, even though he really desired Ed a lot, he sometimes had problems having an erection when he was anxious. He said he just needed to relax. So after they cuddled for a while, John felt calmer and he was able to have an erection.

Arousal Non-Concordance and Memories of Sexual Abuse

Arousal non-concordance can occur under many circumstances, including while having memories of sexual abuse (see my article: Overcoming the Trauma of Sexual Abuse).

Arousal Non-Concordance and Memories of Sexual Abuse

The concept of arousal non-concordance is important to understand when there is a history of sexual abuse.

Many children and adults, who were sexually abused, might have felt physically aroused when they were being abused--even though they had no desire to be sexual with their abuser. 

This happens because the body can become sexually aroused even though the person has no desire to have sex (see my article: Coping With Trauma: Managing Sexual Abuse Triggers).

It's common for people who were sexually abused to get confused about why they get physically aroused with these memories because they don't know about arousal non-concordance. They feel like there's something wrong with them or they were to blame for the sexual abuse. But, in fact, there's nothing wrong with them at all and they're not to blame.

Everyone is different. Some people who were abused feel ashamed and guilty about getting aroused by the memories.

Other people accept their arousal as a common experience and they're not bothered by it.  

Other people incorporate their earlier experience in a roleplay with a partner to feel empowered. In other words, when the original experience occurred, they had no control over what was happening to them. But in a roleplay with a partner they use their imagination to feel in control and they experience a different outcome. 

In that sense, the roleplay becomes healing for them.

Getting Help in Therapy

Most licensed mental health professionals have no sex therapy training and don't understand arousal non-concordance.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you want to work through issues around arousal non-concordance, including a history of trauma, you need to work with a psychotherapist who has training in both sex therapy and trauma therapy.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a psychotherapist who has the expertise you need so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

With over 20 years of experience, I have helped individual adults and couples to resolve sexual and/or trauma-related issues (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Sexual Self Discovery With Pleasure Mapping

The term "pleasure mapping" was coined by Sex Educator Kenneth Play.  

Pleasure mapping can be done on your own if you want to discover for yourself what you like sexually or it can be done with a partner (see my article: Sexual Self Discovery).

What is Pleasure Mapping For Sexual Self Discovery?

There are many individuals who have difficulty answering the question, "So, what do you like?" when they're with a sexual partner because they haven't taken the time to get to know what gives them sexual pleasure.

Sexual Self Discovery With Pleasure Mapping

Pleasure mapping is a way to discover what gets you sexually aroused without the pressure of doing this in front of a partner if you don't feel comfortable at this point and without the pressure of trying to have an orgasm (see my article: Sexual Wellness: What is Performative Sex?).

What's the Difference Between Sexual Arousal and Desire?

Sexual arousal is when your body feels turned on.  Sexual desire is when you feel mentally turned on.

People who experience spontaneous sexual desire tend to feel turned on mentally first.  They think about sex and they're turned on physically.

People who experience responsive sexual arousal often don't feel turned on at first by thinking about sex, but once they get going physically, they usually feel sexual desire mentally as well as physically.  

Pleasure mapping can be good for everyone, and it's especially good for people who tend to experience responsive desire to set the mood and get themselves physically turned on so they feel sexual desire.

A Simple Guide to Pleasure Mapping

• Set Aside at Least 30 Minutes of Uninterrupted Private Time: In order to explore your sexual turn-ons, you need time and privacy.  

• Set the Mood: Context is important so choose a place in you home where you'll be comfortable and you can relax. Set the atmosphere with your favorite soothing music--whether it's sultry jazz, rhythm and blues or whatever you like to put you in a sexy and seductive mood.

Sexual Self Discovery With Pleasure Mapping

• Collect Items That Will Aid You in Your Sexual Exploration: What feels sensuous to you? Maybe you like massage oil, your favorite moisturizer, a silky cloth, feathers, leather or whatever turns you on. You'll also want to have a hand mirror, notepad and pen, and possibly your favorite fruit (grapes, strawberries or whatever you like to eat) or something else that's pleasurable to eat.

• Dim the Lights or Light Candles: Sitting or lying down under dimmed lights or candlelight can help you to relax.

• Breathe to Relax: Square Breathing can be relaxing. You can also try this type of breathing: Inhale in the count of 4, hold for 4 and exhale slowly to the count of 8.  Do this several times until you feel tension melting away.

• Do a Body Scan: See my article: How to Do the Body Scan

• Mindfully Touch Yourself: Once you feel relaxed, close your eyes and place your hands on the crown of your head. Allow your hands to move very slowly down your body to sense where you feel pleasure. Go beyond exploring the erogenous zones that you're already familiar with and become aware of what feels good. You might discover certain areas of the body, aside from the ones you already know, that start to turn you on. If you prefer, you can use massage oil to slowly explore your body all over.  If you start to feel uncomfortable, remember you're doing this privately and no one needs to know. 

• Spend Time Touching Your Erogenous Zones: If you've discovered new erogenous zones that you were unaware of before, spend extra time touching those areas gently. Remember: This is a non-performative exercise, so you're not trying to have an orgasm. You're learning what it's like to discover sexual pleasure for yourself.

• Use Your Mirror to Explore Your Genitals: Explore your genitals and use your hand mirror to discover what you look like. Take your time to observe in a gentle and nonjudgmental way.  You're not masturbating at this point.  You're just looking. Do your genitals look different when you're sexually aroused and when you're not?  What else do you notice?

• Take Notes: After you have explored your body with touch, massage or how ever you explored your body, take notes:
• What felt good?
• What felt uncomfortable?
• What type of touch did you prefer?
• What parts of your body turned you on?
• Did you discover new erogenous zones? What were they?
• What did you like about pleasure mapping?
• What didn't you like?
• What added to your sexual experience?
• What would you like to try again in the future?
• What new areas would you like to explore?

Pleasure Mapping Can Enhance Your Sexual Self Esteem

See my article: What is Sexual Self Esteem?

Share Your Pleasure Mapping Experience With a Sexual Partner

The advantage of doing pleasure mapping on your own is that you discover for yourself what gives you pleasure. You're not relying on a partner, who might not know what you like, to get you turned on. 

Share Your Pleasure Mapping Experience With Your Partner

Pleasure mapping on your own can be sexually empowering.  You have control over what you do, how you touch your body, what you're using to get yourself in the mood, the type of pressure you use with your touch, and so on.

Sharing what you've discovered about your sexual pleasure with a partner can provide both of you with pleasurable experiences. If you're with a romantic partner, it can also bring you closer together.

Keep an Erotic Journal

Keeping an erotic journal is a good way to help you build sexual self awareness and keep track of what is sexually pleasurable to you (see my article: Keeping an Erotic Journal For Sexual Self Discovery).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

It's not unusual for people to feel sexually blocked for a variety of reasons.

If you're having problems sexually, you can work with a skilled sex therapist who can help you to discover and overcome whatever blocks are getting in your way (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy.  There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during a sex therapy session (see my article: What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Sex therapy sessions are for individual adults or couples (see my article: What Are the Most Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist so you can have a meaningful and pleasurable sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding Your Sexual Arousal Type: What Happens When Both Partners Experience Responsive Sexual Arousal?

I've been focusing on sexual arousal types in prior articles and the issues that come up when two people have different arousal types (see my article: Understanding Why You and Your Partner Might Experience Differences in Sexual Arousal).

Understanding Your Sexual Arousal Type

See my articles about:

Spontaneous Sexual Arousal

Responsive Sexual Arousal

Reviewing Spontaneous and Responsive Arousal Types

There are two different types of arousal: spontaneous and responsive sexual arousal.  

There is a shorthand way of distinguishing the two arousal types: 

• Spontaneous Arousal: People with spontaneous arousal get mentally turned on at the drop of a hat by just thinking about sex and then get physically turned on immediately afterwards. 

• Responsive Arousal: People with responsive sexual arousal often need more time to get turned on. They usually need to start having sex to gradually get physically turned on and then they get mentally turned on after they are physically aroused.

Both arousal types are normal.  

Neither is better than or worse than the other.  They're just different.

What Happens When Two People Both Experience Responsive Sexual Arousal?

In the current article, I'm focusing on potential issues involved with people who both have the same arousal type: responsive arousal.

Although everyone is different, when two partners both experience spontaneous sexual arousal, it's often the case that all they need to do is think about sex and they're both ready to have sex.

However, when two people are both responsive sexual arousal types, they each might wait for the other person to initiate sex since neither of them is turned on by just thinking about sex. 

This usually means it takes more time for them to get started or they might not get started at all. Weeks, months or years can pass without sex.  This is especially true after the new relationship energy (NRE) period (when dopamine and oxytocin create sexual passion) subsides (see my previous article for a more in-depth description of the responsive arousal type).

Clinical Vignettes: A Relationship With Two People Who Have Responsive Sexual Arousal

The following clinical vignette which, as always is a composite of many cases, illustrates the challenges faced by a couple where both people have a responsive sexual arousal type. It also illustrates how sex therapy can help a couple to revive their sex life.

Cara and Jane

Cara and Jane, who were both in their mid-30s, met at a Lesbian Pride party and they were instantly attracted to each other.  

Both Partners Experience Responsive Arousal

Sex was passionate and pleasurable for both of them at first during the first few months, and they couldn't keep their hands off each other.  They often had sex several times a day during weekends when they spent a lot of time together.

Six months into their relationship, they both noticed they were less interested in sex.  Whereas they were having sex almost every day when they first met, now they were hardly having sex at all.  They also both waited for the other one to initiate sex, which meant that neither of them initiated sex.

They were still in love with each other, but sex felt a lot less compelling than it did when they first met.  They were both concerned about this, but they didn't know what to do about it. 

By the time they were together for two years, they hadn't had sex in several months. So, Jane talked to Cara about opening up their relationship (see my article: What is Consensual Nonmonogamy?).

But Cara feared that they might never get their sex life back if they got involved with other people, so she told Jane that she didn't want to open up their relationship.  She suggested that they attend sex therapy instead to get help (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

They learned in sex therapy that the initial stage of most relationships is a time when people experience new relationship energy (NRE) where dopamine and oxytocin fuel erotic passion.  But after that initial stage, the erotic passion usually cools off somewhat.

While they were attending sex therapy, they also learned that they both experienced responsive sexual arousal and that rather than waiting to "get in the mood," if they wanted to revive their sex life together, they would need to intentionally start having sex in order to get in the mood.

Their sex therapist gave them homework assignments to practice together at home between sex therapy sessions. The assignments included Sensate Focus (sensuously touching each other without having oral or penetrative sex) as well solo sex (masturbation) practices to understand what got them each turned on as individuals.

Once they understood that they needed to get themselves in the mood by starting sexual activities in order to get in the mood for sex and by taking turns initiating, they resolved their problem.

Conclusion

Although the clinical vignette is about two lesbians, responsive sexual arousal can occur between any two people regardless of gender or sexual orientation.

Understanding Your Sexual Arousal Type

The problem for most partners who both have responsive sexual arousal is neither of them are thinking about sex and each person waits for the other to initiate sex once the erotic energy involved with new relationship energy subsides.

Many people with the responsive sexual arousal type are too ashamed to talk to each other about sex--let alone seek help.  So, this often means that they might not have sex for months or years.  At that point, each person might assume that the relationship is doomed and they might end it.

One of the reasons why I write these articles is to provide sex education so people in these situations will know that there's nothing wrong with them.  They just need to learn how to interact sexually to revive their sex life (see my article: Changing Your Sex Script).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy.  There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during therapy sessions (see my article: What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

If you and your partner have lost the sexual spark you both experienced during the early stage of your relationship, seek help in sex therapy.

A skilled sex therapist can help you to explore your sexual arousal type and assist you to change a sex script that's not working for you.

Getting help sooner rather than later is often the key to reviving a passionate sex life.

About Me

I am a New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Understanding Your Sexual Arousal Type: Spontaneous Sexual Arousal

In my prior article, Understanding Why You and Your Partner Might Experience Differences in Sexual Arousal: Spontaneous and Responsive Sexual Arousal, I began a discussion about the differences between spontaneous and responsive sexual arousal.  

Understanding Your Sexual Arousal Type

I also discussed that differences in how people experience sexual arousal is a common problem for couples and often leads to the demise of the relationship if the couple doesn't get help in sex therapy.

In this article, I'm focusing on spontaneous sexual arousal in more detail, and I'll discuss responsive arousal in detail in my next article.

Characteristics of People With Spontaneous Sexual Arousal

If you're not sure which sexual arousal type you are, see if the characteristics listed below resonate with you and then read the upcoming article article on responsive arousal to see if you identify with those characteristics (I'll post a link at the end of this article when I've written this second article).

According to sex educator and author, Dr. Emily Nagoski, who wrote Come As You Are, 75% of men and 15% of women experience spontaneous sexual arousal and both types are normal.

The following general characteristics describe many individuals with spontaneous sexual arousal:

• Sex is very important to them.

• They're curious about sex and thinking about sex most of the time regardless of the circumstances and context.

• They love any opportunity to talk about sex and if the opportunity doesn't naturally arise, they might create an opportunity.

• They're very aware of their bodies, especially when they're sexually turned on.

• Their body is easily and spontaneously aroused sexually for no apparent reason.

• They're often ready for sex at any moment. 

• They have frequent sexual fantasies.

• They're often frequent masturbators.

• They often use sex, either solo sex (masturbation) or partnered sex, as a way to relieve stress and anxiety.

• They often exude sexual energy--it's like sexual energy is coming out of their pores and others are often aware of it and can get turned on by it.

• They're more likely to be the sexual initiator.  If they don't actually initiate sex, they give off flirty vibes and let the other person know, sometimes subtly and sometimes boldly, that they're sexually turned on and open to having sex.

• They're often willing to have sex anywhere and anytime without any particular external sexual stimulation or sexual initiation from the other person.  If they're particularly turned on, this might mean that they have car sex or other types of public place (parks, movies, dark corners in museums and so on).

• For women: Spontaneous sexual arousal often includes the following characteristics:

• Nipples are hard (often visible for women with large nipples)
• Genitals become wet
• Clitoris, in particular, is engorged with blood, erect and becomes more sensitive
• Body temperature rises
• Blood pressure might rise 
• Breath is often deeper
• Skin tone might become flush
• Licking or biting lips

• For men: Spontaneous sexual arousal for men often includes many of the same characteristics that women experience, and in addition:

• A focus on their penis
• Penis can get hard and erect fairly easily when aroused and for no apparent reason
• Physical contact including touching the other person's arm, shoulder, back or leg or pressing their leg against the other person if they're seated
• Voice often becomes deeper
• Awareness of the other person's body, which they're checking out
• Complimentary to someone they're turned on by
• Sit with their legs spread when they're with someone they're aroused by
• Try to get physically close to the other person

Clinical Vignettes

The following clinical vignettes, which are composites to protect confidentiality, are about people of the same and different arousal types:

Scenario 1: Ken and Jill: 

Two People With Spontaneous Sexual Arousal

When Ken and Jill met at a mutual friend's party, they were sexually attracted to one another instantly.  Ken noticed Jill's sexy vibe and he was instantly drawn to her.  He was also aware of his sexual response to her and to her body.

Jill was also aware that she was sexually turned on by Ken immediately and she was already having sexual fantasies about what she and Ken could be doing sexually later on that night.  She noticed that when they sat down on the couch, Ken sat close to her so that his leg was touching and slightly pressing hers, and she felt tingles all over her body.  

By the end of the night, they were back at Jill's place having passionate sex.  

Scenario 2: John and Ann: 

One Person With Spontaneous Arousal and One Person With Responsive Sexual Arousal

John and Ann met on a dating app. When they met for their first date, John was immediately drawn to Ann sexually.  He could barely listen to what she was saying because he was so turned on.  Although Ann liked John, she wasn't sexually turned on. 

After three dates, Ann had mixed feelings about inviting John up to her apartment, but she invited him with the understanding that she wanted to "take things slowly." Although he was a little disappointed, John agreed.  

After settling on the couch, John initiated a kiss and Ann responded.  Although she enjoyed kissing John, her mind was preoccupied with thoughts about an interview she had the following day, so she told John she needed to end the date early.  Once again, John was disappointed, but he liked Ann and he decided to give things a chance between them.  

For their next date, John arranged for a candlelight dinner at a quiet and romantic restaurant and Ann was pleasantly surprised. By then, she had gotten the job offer and she was no longer stressed about that.  

When they went up to John's apartment, John was very turned on, and Ann wasn't turned on at that point.  But when they kissed, Ann became aware that she felt a sexual attraction for John and they had sex that night.

Discussion About the Two Scenarios

In Scenario 1, both people experienced spontaneous sexual arousal.  They were both aware they were turned on by each other, so they were both ready to have sex.

In Scenario 2, John experienced spontaneous sexual arousal and Ann experienced responsive arousal. For people who experience responsive arousal, context is important.  

Since Ann was preoccupied with thoughts about her upcoming interview, the context wasn't right for her with regard to feeling sexually aroused.

Stress and anxiety can get in the way of sexual arousal for anyone, but this is especially true for people with responsive arousal.  

When John chose a restaurant that had a quiet, calm and romantic environment, he helped to create the right context for Ann, who was also no longer anxious and stressed about her interview.  

Kissing at John's apartment also helped Ann to get sexually aroused (prior to that she wasn't sexually aroused).  

Since she experienced responsive sexual arousal, kissing (or any type of sexual activity) was important to help her to get in the mood.  

If these two people continued to see each other, they both would need to be aware of the other person's sexual arousal type with John slowing down to give Ann a chance to get turned on and Ann being willing to start sex (kissing, touching) in order to get turned on.

As I will discuss in my next article, people with responsive sexual arousal often need the context to be conducive to sexual arousal, and they often don't feel sexually aroused until they begin having sex. 

In this case, I'm using the word "sex" in a broad sense--not just sexual intercourse--to include kissing, touching and other forms of sexual activity that occur before intercourse. 

Next Article: Understanding Your Sexual Arousal Type: Spontaneous Sexual Arousal

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Since 75% of men and only 15% of women experience spontaneous sexual arousal, discrepancies are obviously common in heterosexual relationships.

A discrepancy in arousal type can get worked through in a relationship if each person understands their own and their partner's arousal type and if they're willing to work on it in sex therapy.

Couples therapists, who aren't trained in sex therapy, often don't know how to help clients with different arousal types.  Often, they focus on helping the clients to improve their communication and work on things that will bring them closer together emotionally.  This can work for some couples, but it doesn't always help others because there are many couples who have great relationships outside of the bedroom, including great communication, but their sex life either isn't good or it's nonexistent.

A skilled sex therapist can help couples understand and work with their sexual arousal discrepancy so that they are more sexually attuned to each other and they can have more satisfying sex (see my articles: What is Sex Therapy? and What Are the Most Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy.  There is no physical exam, nudity or touching between the client(s) and the sex therapist (see my article: What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a sex therapist who is knowledgeable about sexual arousal types and who has helped couples to overcome problems with discrepant sexual arousal.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Understanding Why You and Your Partner Might Experience Differences in Sexual Arousal: Spontaneous and Responsive Sexual Arousal

In her groundbreaking book, Come As You Are, Dr. Emily Nagoski explains why two people in a relationship often experience differences in sexual arousal (see my article: Spontaneous Sexual Arousal and Responsive Sexual Arousal Are Both Normal).

What is New Relationship Energy (NRE)?

Before delving into the topic of spontaneous and responsive sexual arousal, it's important to understand the impact of New Relationship Energy (NRE) at the beginning of a relationship.

During the early stage of a relationship, differences in sexual arousal aren't as noticeable because both people are experiencing New Relationship Energy (NRE), which is a potent cocktail of oxytocin and dopamine.  

New Relationship Energy Can Produce a Strong Sexual Response

New Relationship Energy (NRE) usually involves a strong emotional, physical and sexual response.  It's what people often experience when they say they feel "love at first sight" or a powerful sexual attraction.

NRE occurs during the so-called honeymoon phase of a relationship when both people feel high from the chemicals in their brain when they get together. And when they're not together, they are filled with anticipation about the next time they'll see each other (see my article: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation).

Although many people enjoy NRE, others find that it clouds their judgment in terms of choosing a healthy relationship (see my article: How Do You Know If You're in an Unhealthy Relationship? ).

It can also be exhausting because people often feel "love drunk" with feelings that cause them to obsess about the person they're in love and/or in lust with.  For these reasons, many people don't trust NRE, especially if they have history of making poor relationship choices.

The NRE spark can fade anywhere from a few months and to a few years.  After that, if the couple remains together and all goes well, the couple can develop a more mature kind of love that is more likely to stand the test of time.

After the NRE fades, differences in sexual arousal become more apparent, and many couples think there is something wrong because one (or both) of them might not be experiencing the strong sexual desire they did at the beginning of the relationship.

Understanding Spontaneous Sexual Arousal and Responsive Sexual Arousal

Some couples assume that their relationship is doomed if one or both of them don't feel a strong sexual desire for each other.  But what this often means is that they experience sexual desire differently (see my article: Understanding Sexual Desire Discrepancy).

Differences in Sexual Arousal After NRE Has Worn Off

One of them might experience spontaneous sexual arousal where they can feel sexual arousal at the drop of a hat--anytime and anywhere.  These people usually don't need much physical stimulation because all they have to do is think about sex and they're sexually aroused.

And the other person might experience responsive sexual arousal where they feel turned on after they begin having sex.  It often takes them longer than people who experience spontaneous arousal to feel turned on.

Spontaneous arousal is what is usually portrayed in movies and TV programs where both people can't keep their hands off each other and they're ready to have sex anywhere and anytime.  

But, in reality, according to Dr. Nagoski, not everyone experiences spontaneous arousal. Dr. Nagoski cites 75% of men and 15% of women as experiencing spontaneous arousal, and 5% of men and 30% of women as experiencing responsive arousal.

In her book, Sex Talk: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Life, author and sex therapist Vanessa Marin, also discusses the difference between spontaneous and responsive arousal.

She summarizes it by saying that with the spontaneous type feels turned on spontaneously when they think about sex.  And the responsive type starts having sex and then they feel turned on.

According to Ms. Marin, anybody can experience either spontaneous or responsive arousal at different times and with different people, but most people tend to experience predominantly one or the other type.

Why Is It Important to Understand Your Own and Your Partner's Sexual Arousal Type?

After the initial period of a relationship when the NRE has worn off, it's important to know what you each need to get sexually aroused.

If you tend to be a spontaneous type and your partner is a responsive type, you might be ready to have sex as soon as you think about it.  But you need to know what your partner requires to get turned on.  

Also, if your partner is the responsive type, they need to be willing to start having sex to get sexually aroused (see my article: For People With Responsive Sexual Arousal, a Willingness to Start Having Sex is Often Enough to Get Them Sexually Aroused).

With the responsive type, context is very important.  For instance, they might not feel like having sex if the bedroom is messy, if they're feeling stressed out about something else or they're worried about the kids coming into the bedroom.

With the spontaneous type, context tends to be less important generally speaking. When they have the urge to have sex, they often couldn't care less about their surroundings.  If the sexual urge occurs while they're in the car on a dark street, no problem.  Ditto if they feel the sexual urge in a park, they might try to persuade their partner to go to a remote area in the park to have sex. In an elevator where they're alone with their partner, they might press the stop bottom to have a quickie.  The taboo aspect of these sexual activities is usually a real turn-on for them.

One of the problems with the differences between the spontaneous type and the responsive type is that most people don't know about the responsive arousal type because they've only ever seen spontaneous arousal portrayed in the media.

Even people with responsive arousal usually don't know about it because it's not common knowledge and this important information isn't usually taught in Sex Education classes. Even many couples therapists aren't aware of it.  

So, many people with responsive arousal feel like there's something wrong with them.  They might even feel broken, especially if they have a partner is ready to have sex anytime and anywhere.

As a result, people with responsive arousal don't know that, in most cases, if they start having sex they'll get sexually aroused (assuming that it's the type of sex they enjoy).  They assume that because they're not feeling sexually aroused immediately (like their partner with spontaneous arousal) they're just not going to get sexually turned on at all.  This often leads to their avoiding sex altogether because it makes them feel inadequate.

Similarly, the person who is the spontaneous arousal type probably assumes that since their partner isn't feeling aroused at the mere suggestion of having sex, this means they're not going to get aroused at all.

Being able to work on these differences assumes that each person knows their sexual arousal type, knows what turns them on, what turns them off, and what turns their partner on and off.  

This lack of knowledge can be a major obstacle for people, especially people with responsive sexual arousal.  They also might not know what turns them on, but there are ways to explore this in sex therapy if both partners are willing.

Differences in sexual arousal can and do get worked out in sex therapy, and many couples are relieved to know that their sex life together isn't doomed due to these differences in sexual arousal.

Next Article

The next article will explore how you can determine your own and your partner's sexual arousal type.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

A discrepancy in sexual arousal is a common problem (see my article: Sexual Compatibility Can Develop and Evolve Over Time).

Discrepant sexual arousal is one of the most common issues that bring couples into sex therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy which focuses on sexual issues.  There is no physical exam, nudity or touching between clients and the sex therapist during a sex therapy session (see my article: What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

A skilled sex therapist can help you and your partner discover what type of sexual arousal each of you experience and what you can do to have a more satisfying sex life (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

So, rather than allowing your sex life to stagnate, seek help in sex therapy.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Based on Sex Research: What Gets Women Turned On?

According to a February 2019 article in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, women get sexually turned on by three specific factors: emotional intimacy, experiencing their partner as being separate from themselves and, most importantly, being viewed as attractive and sexually desirable by their partner. I will unpack these concepts briefly in this blog article (see my articles: Sexual Pleasure and the Erotic Self - Part 1 and Part 2).

Sex Research: What Gets Women Turned On?

A group of sex researchers led by Sofia Prekatsounaki, M.S., surveyed over 600 women who were in serious or casual relationships and found that the following three factors increased sexual desire in women:

Intimacy:

Women in the survey reported that intimacy, which is a close and deep emotional connection with another person, is an important aspect with regard to women's sexual desire.  

Whereas men usually need sex as a way to connect emotionally, women often need emotional connection to connect emotionally (see my article: Whereas Women Usually Need Emotional Connection to Connect Sexually, Men Often Need Sex to Connect Emotionally).

Emotional Intimacy Turns On Most Women

Celebrated Otherness: Experiencing Yourself as Separate From Your Partner

Aside from the findings based on this research study, Dr. Esther Perel, sex and couples therapist, who wrote Mating in Captivity: How to Keep Desire and Passion Alive in Long Term Relationships, sexual desire thrives on otherness or separateness, which allows for the space between the self and the other.  

This space allows for the unknown, the novel, the unexpected, surprise and risk.  Dr. Perel posits that love and desire aren't always driven by the same things.  

The factors that drive love and desire are the opposite for many people.  While love is driven by commitment, intimacy and egalitarianism, sexual desire is driven by mystery, distance, risk and playfulness.

What Gets Women Turned On?

In addition, the sex researchers for this study found that there was a particular type of "otherness" that was important with regard to sexual desire.  

This otherness was the opposite of fusion of two people in a relationship.  It is not the kind of otherness that results in unrequited love or other forms of disconnection or alienation.  

This otherness emphasizes the autonomy of each person in the relationship as well as an investment in each other.

Object-of-Desire Affirmation: Feeling Attractive and Desirable

This was the most significant factor for women in terms of feeling sexually desirable.  Object-of-desire affirmation means being viewed as attractive and desirable by another person.  

Feeling Attractive and Sexually Desirable

According to the researchers, women often assume an erotic self-focus (instead of a relational self focus) during sexual activities.  

Feeling good about themselves and their bodies is an important element in women's sexual desire and satisfaction.  In addition to feeling good about themseleves, the external validation from a partner is an important factor.

Sex researchers have discovered that when women have sexual fantasies, they tend to be self focused.  

Based on this and other related research, this self focus is more important in terms of getting turned on than who they are fantasizing about.  

They can fantasize about strangers or even faceless individuals as long as they feel they are being perceived by the partner as being sexually desirable and attractive.

The Three Factors Combined: Intimacy, Separateness and Feeling Attractive and Desirable

The researchers revealed that all three factors were important to the women in the study.  They posited that emotional intimacy provides enough trust and safety for feeling like an autonomous sexual being.  This is enhanced by feeling attractive and sexually desirable by a partner.

Increasing Sexual Pleasure

According to Dr. Perel, the imagination if the most important factor for enhancing eroticism.  This includes sexual fantasies.

See my articles:

• Women's Sexual Self Discovery
• What Are Your Core Erotic Themes?
• The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies
• Exploring and Normalizing Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame
• Are You Too Ashamed to Share Your Sexual Fantasies With Your Partner?
• Destigmatizing Sexual Fantasies of Power and Submission
• Enhancing Sexual Motivation With Psychological Stimulation

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and people in relationships (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624  during business hours or email me.