Arousal Non-Concordance and a History of Sexual Abuse

In an earlier article, I wrote about arousal non-concordance to explain what it is and to normalize it as a common experience for many people (see my article: What is Arousal Non-Concordance?).

Arousal Non-Concordance and a History of Sexual Abuse

What is Arousal Non-Concordance?

Arousal non-concordance occurs when there is a disconnect between how someone feels physically and how they feel emotionally and psychologically.

Arousal non-concordance can occur when someone feels physically aroused, but they don't want to have sex. 

It can also occur when someone wants to have sex, but they don't feel physically aroused.

What is the Difference Between Sexual Desire and Sexual Arousal?

Arousal non-concordance highlights the difference between feeling sexual desire and sexual arousal.  

Sexual desire is a psychological state. It's a state of mind which is often described as being "in the mood" to have sex.  Desire is often influenced by thoughts, emotions and the particular context a person is in.

Sexual arousal is a physical response which can include changes in erection and lubrication. 

Sexual arousal is often triggered by visual or physical cues or memories.

Sexual desire and sexual arousal often go together--but not always. This is evident with arousal non-concordance.

Examples of Arousal Non-Concordance

The following short vignettes are just a few examples of arousal non-concordance:

• Liz and Jane: Liz feels sexually turned on when Jane kisses her. But when Jane touches Liz's genitals, she discovers Liz feels dry. As a result, Jane assumes Liz doesn't want to have sex so she stops kissing her. She assumes that if Liz was turned on, she would be lubricated. So, Liz tells Jane that, even though she's not wet, she really wants Jane, so they continue to kiss and make love.

• Mary and Bill: Bill touched Mary's genitals and she knew this meant he wanted to have sex. But she had a headache and she wasn't in the mood. She told Bill that she loves him, but she would rather wait until the morning to have sex after her headache goes away. Bill was confused and said to Mary, "You're so wet. I don't understand how you're not in the mood." Mary explained to him that her body was sexually aroused, but she wasn't  desiring sex at that moment. By the morning, Mary's headache was gone away and she and Bill enjoyed sex.

• John and Ed: John and Ed were in bed when John told Ed that he wanted to have sex. But during foreplay Ed noticed that John wasn't getting an erection so he stopped kissing and touching him because he assumed that John didn't desire him. At that point, John explained that, even though he really desired Ed a lot, he sometimes had problems having an erection when he was anxious. He said he just needed to relax. So after they cuddled for a while, John felt calmer and he was able to have an erection.

Arousal Non-Concordance and Memories of Sexual Abuse

Arousal non-concordance can occur under many circumstances, including while having memories of sexual abuse (see my article: Overcoming the Trauma of Sexual Abuse).

Arousal Non-Concordance and Memories of Sexual Abuse

The concept of arousal non-concordance is important to understand when there is a history of sexual abuse.

Many children and adults, who were sexually abused, might have felt physically aroused when they were being abused--even though they had no desire to be sexual with their abuser. 

This happens because the body can become sexually aroused even though the person has no desire to have sex (see my article: Coping With Trauma: Managing Sexual Abuse Triggers).

It's common for people who were sexually abused to get confused about why they get physically aroused with these memories because they don't know about arousal non-concordance. They feel like there's something wrong with them or they were to blame for the sexual abuse. But, in fact, there's nothing wrong with them at all and they're not to blame.

Everyone is different. Some people who were abused feel ashamed and guilty about getting aroused by the memories.

Other people accept their arousal as a common experience and they're not bothered by it.  

Other people incorporate their earlier experience in a roleplay with a partner to feel empowered. In other words, when the original experience occurred, they had no control over what was happening to them. But in a roleplay with a partner they use their imagination to feel in control and they experience a different outcome. 

In that sense, the roleplay becomes healing for them.

Getting Help in Therapy

Most licensed mental health professionals have no sex therapy training and don't understand arousal non-concordance.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you want to work through issues around arousal non-concordance, including a history of trauma, you need to work with a psychotherapist who has training in both sex therapy and trauma therapy.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a psychotherapist who has the expertise you need so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

With over 20 years of experience, I have helped individual adults and couples to resolve sexual and/or trauma-related issues (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Sexual Health: What is Arousal Non-Concordance?

Most people don't understand the concept of arousal non-concordance because they never learned about it in sex education class, so I want to clarify this concept in the current article because it's the source of many problems in relationships (see my article: Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Sexual Brakes).

What is Arousal Non-Concordance?

What is the Difference Between Arousal Concordance and Arousal NonConcordance?

Arousal concordance means that emotional, physical and mental sexual arousal are in synch so a person feels emotionally, mentally and physically aroused at the same time.

Arousal non-concordance is a term often used in sex therapy to describe a common experience: A person is feeling physically but not mentally or emotionally turned on or feeling mentally and emotionally turned on but not reacting in the same way physically.  So one or more aspects are out of synch.

What is Arousal Non-Concordance?

For example, a woman could be mentally and emotionally turned on, but she doesn't experience vaginal lubrication, as described in the clinical vignette below. 

Or, she could experience vaginal lubrication, but she's not mentally or emotionally turned on and she's not interested in having sex.

Similarly, a man could experience arousal non-concordance when he has an erection, but he is not mentally or emotionally aroused and so on.

Physical Arousal is Not the Same as Consent

Since it's possible to experience physical arousal but not emotional or mental arousal, the only thing that counts with regard to sexual activity is verbal consent (see my article: What You Can Learn From the Kink Community About Consent).

Physical Arousal is Not the Same as Consent: No Means No

This is significant because men often assume that if a woman is physically aroused, it automatically means she wants to have sex.

There have been rape cases where the woman's physical arousal has been used against her in court to defend a rapist--even though the woman was clearly saying to him when he forced himself on her and she was trying to fight him off.  

No means no.

In addition, if there isn't clear verbal consent, consent should not be assumed.

A Clinical Vignette About Arousal Non-Concordance:

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many cases with all identifying information removed to protect confidentiality:

Mary and Bob

Mary and Bob were married for 23 years when they sought help in sex therapy because they were having sexual problems.

According to Bob, he felt discouraged about their sex life because, even though Mary would tell him that she was in the mood to have sex, he detected that she wasn't experiencing vaginal lubrication.

Bob said he believed Mary told him she felt sexually aroused just to appease him, which made him feel awful.  

He had a hard time believing she was turned on when she didn't get wet.  So, he stopped initiating sex and when Mary tried to initiate sex with him, he told her he wasn't in the mood because each time she didn't appear to be physically aroused, he felt he was being rejected.

When it was Mary's turn to speak, she told their sex therapist that she loved Bob very much, she still found him to be attractive and she was turned on by him.  She said she tried to explain to Bob that, since she was postmenopausal, she had difficulty getting wet the way she naturally did before menopause.  She wanted to use a lubricant, but Bob refused because he felt she was no longer sexually turned on by him.

After their sex therapist explained the concept of arousal nonconcordance and that this was a common experience, Bob was surprised and he finally believed Mary.

Subsequently, he felt better about Mary using lubrication to make sexual intercourse easier.  From then on, with assistance from their sex therapist, their sex life improved and they were happier in their relationship.

Conclusion

Arousal concordance is easier for most people to understand because it's how they normally think sex should be--everything aligns physically, emotionally and mentally.

What is Arousal Non-Concordance?

Arousal non-concordance can occur for many reasons.  Some people desire sex mentally and emotionally before they get physically aroused.  But once they begin to have sex, they also get physically aroused.  This is true for most women (85%) and some men (25%) according to the latest sex research.

There can be many other reasons why the physical, emotional and mental arousal don't align.  For example, as in the vignette above, a woman might not lubricate naturally--even though she is emotionally and mentally aroused.  

Nonconcordance can also occur for men, as mentioned above.

Communication is key.  Rather than rely on the physical signs of sexual arousal, ask your partner and be aware that if there is arousal nonconcordance, you should rely on your partner's word rather than assume you know how your partner is feeling.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.