Understanding the Emotional Dynamics of Men Who Are "Players" - Part 2: A Clinical Vignette

In Part 1 of Understanding the Emotional Dynamics of Men Who Are "Players," I described the typical emotional dynamics and behavior of players (also known as pick-up artists), including the their manipulative and emotional abusive behavior towards women.

Understanding the Emotional Dynamics of Men Who Are "Players"

I described a behavioral dynamic that is on a continuum and, in some cases, can include sociopathic behavior where there is a lack of empathy for how their behavior affects the women they're attempting to seduce (see my article: What Makes So-Called "Bad Boys" So Irresistible to So Many Women? Brain Chemistry Might Have the Answer).

Also on that continuum are men who eventually find being a player to be unsatisfying, lonely and, despite the conquest of many women, unsatisfying because it feels empty and meaningless.

Often these same men find themselves in an emotional crisis because they can neither remain a player nor can they move forward to a more meaningful life because they don't know any other way to be.

The focus of the this article, including the clinical vignette, will be on this subset of men.

As previously mentioned in the prior article, players can be either men or women, gay, bisexual or heterosexual.  But, generally speaking, the term is usually associated with heterosexual men, which is what this article is about.

Clinical Vignette: The Emotional Crisis of a Man Who is a Player
The following fictional vignette illustrates a typical scenario for a man who learns to develop a persona as a player but who eventually discovers that he wants more than casual hook ups with women--he wants a relationship, but he doesn't know how to be genuinely himself or how to have a committed relationship.

John
When John was in his teens, he wanted more than anything to date women, but he lacked the necessary self confidence to approach them.  Since he was very good looking, many girls were drawn to him and they approached him, but even when he knew that these girls liked him, he felt awkward and shy.

His first sexual experience was with a teenage girl, Jane, from his class who invited him over to her house while her parents were out.  He was highly anxious before going to her house because he feared that this girl would laugh at him due to sexual inexperience.  But rather than laugh at him, Jane, who had prior sexual encounters, led him into the bedroom and patiently initiated him into his first sexual experience.

Afterwards, realizing how pleasurable sex could be, he wanted to have sex with other girls too.  But throughout high school and even in college, he continued to feel shy and lack self confidence, so the only time he had sex was when girls or young women came onto him.

After college, John was at a total loss about how to meet women.  It was much easier for him when he was surrounded by young women in college who took the lead in initiating sex.  But after he graduated from college, he was no longer around women all the time, and he didn't like using dating apps, so he wasn't sure what to do.

Sometimes, he and his friends would go to singles bars and his friends would meet women and take them home  but, more often than not, he remained standing alone against the wall.  Occasionally, an attractive assertive woman would approach him and take him home, but this wasn't usually the case.

One day, feeling disappointed and discouraged, John turned down his friends' invitation to go out to a singles bar.  Although his best friend, Bill usually laughed at John's awkwardness and lack of confidence, when he realized how miserable John was, he told John that any man could learn to pick up women in a bar--he just needed to learn a few simple techniques and strategies and practice them.

Then, Bill recommended that John attend a three-day pick-up artists' boot camp where part of the training would be to stand side by side with a "dating coach" and observe the "dating coach" pick up women at various venues in New York City, including singles bars.

Bill also explained that John would get classroom instruction and drills that he would practice when John would go out with an experienced "dating coach" to apply what he learned in class while the coach stood nearby to observe John and give him feedback later.

In response to Bill, John laughed, but Bill urged him on, "What do you have to lose, man?  By the end of the training, you'll feel confident meeting and picking up women anywhere.  That's how I learned.  This training is foolproof."

With some reluctance, John signed up for the Attractions Method training, and he was amazed that he was able to develop the persona of a player that allowed him to feel the confidence that he lacked with women.  Soon after that, whenever he went out, he psyched himself up and took on this persona.

The strategies that John learned led to his hooking up with hundreds of women over the next several years.  He became so good at being a pick-up artist that he always had a sexy, beautiful woman on his arm, and his friends expressed envy, "John, where do you meet these women!?!  One is more beautiful then the next!"

But whenever one of the women wanted a more serious relationship, John would panic.  He had mastered taking on the persona of a confident pick-up artist and the techniques for picking up women for casual sex, but he was too afraid of allowing any emotional intimacy to develop between him and any of these women.  So, whenever a woman expressed wanting more from him, he would stop seeing her and focus on the many other women he was seeing simultaneously.

At the same time, John discovered that some of the techniques he learned to pick up women also worked in his sales career.  He was able to charm his female boss into giving him the best sales territory in the company.  He was also able to charm customers into buying the company's services.

With all the money he was earning, he attracted even more beautiful women who admired his success, his new sports car, and the way he generously spent money on them.  They were fascinated by him and they wanted to be around him.  He also enjoyed the admiration of his friends and colleagues who not only admired him--they wanted to be him.

But over time, when John was in his mid-30s, he realized that he no longer derived as much pleasure from sleeping with one beautiful woman after the next.  He found most of these women to be narcissistic and shallow, and he felt bored.  Deep down, he also knew that he was just playing a role and, even though he was convincing in this role, this wasn't really how he felt.

His friends were all getting married, some of them were starting families, and he realized that he felt lonely, especially because the only relationships he had with women were shallow and very short term. He never had a substantial monogamous relationship.

Gradually, John realized that there was something missing in his life.  Other than being with beautiful women, having sex with as many of them as possible, and making a lot of money, his life lacked meaning and substance and this was increasingly worrisome to him.

There was one woman, Sara, that he was dating who wasn't narcissistic or shallow.  He really liked her and thought he might like to be in a relationship with her, but he was afraid to be himself.  He feared that, even if he knew what it meant to be himself, Sara wouldn't like him if she knew the real him (see my article: Overcoming the Fear That People Won't Like You If They Knew the "Real You").

He realized that he had spent so much time taking on the persona of a player that he wasn't even sure who he was anymore.  Although he would have liked to talk to one of his friends about it, he was afraid that he would lose their admiration for his success with having so many women.

When he attempted to talk to Bill, who was married for several years, Bill just brushed him off, "What do you mean you feel lonely?  You're always with a sexy, beautiful women.  I envy you.  Don't get me wrong--I love my wife, but do you have any idea how boring it is to wake up to the same woman every day?  Enjoy yourself and, whatever you do, don't get married.  It's totally overrated."

After John got a similar response from his other close friends, he felt increasingly depressed and isolated.  He began having problems sleeping and getting up in the morning.  It took a lot more effort for him to take on the confident persona and to charm his customers into buying the company's services.  He also began to isolate and stopped seeing many of the women he had been hooking up with.

Soon his sales performance went from being the highest in the company to being one of the lowest.  His boss called him into her office to find out if there was anything wrong, but John didn't feel comfortable confiding in her, so he made up some excuse and told her that he would do better.

Although he managed to fake his way through that meeting with his boss, he knew that all his pretending was sapping him of energy and he felt a big disconnect between how he felt inside and the persona he was trying to project on the outside.  He wasn't even sure why he was doing it anymore--except that he didn't know what else to do.

As he became increasingly depressed, John knew he needed to seek help from a licensed mental health professional.  Admitting this to himself was hard, but he knew it would be much harder if he descended deeper into depression.

During his first session with a female psychotherapist, John was tempted to take on the same persona he used to charm so many women.  It was hard for him to let down his guard to show the therapist just how bad he felt about himself.  At the same time, he knew that, if he was going to overcome his problems, he would need to be honest (see my article: The Importance of Being Honest With Your Therapist).

Gradually, over time, John opened up to his psychotherapist and told her about his history of being a shy, awkward young man and how he learned to be a player with women.  He explained that for a long time he felt like he was on a "high" when he slept with hundreds of beautiful, sexy women and all his friends envied him.

Then, he described the slow descent into his current emotional crisis, his feelings of being a fraud, his loneliness, his yearning to be himself (although he didn't know anymore what that meant), his guilt for the emotional pain he had caused the many women he manipulated, and his fear of developing a relationship with Sara.

Over time, John realized that the more he opened up to his therapist, the more genuine he felt.  Often, he would have realizations about himself in the therapy that he never had before.

As he became more comfortable with his psychotherapist, John allowed her to see more of the frightened, emotionally vulnerable side of himself.  To his surprise, he revealed his shame, which  was a big part of his lack of confidence of awkwardness (see my article: Healing Shame in Psychotherapy).

As he continued to talk in therapy, he also realized that he felt like he was basically an unlovable person who didn't really deserve to be happy with anyone.  It was only when he took on the persona of being a player that he felt confident, but he realized now that this wasn't genuine confidence--it was all a sham (see my article: Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

His therapist used a technique in clinical hypnosis called the affect bridge so that John could go back to the earliest time when he felt unlovable.  In a relaxed hypnotic state, where John had the dual awareness of being in the here-and-now in the therapist's office as well as being in his earliest memory of feeling unlovable, John recounted how he was constantly and severely criticized and belittled by both of his parents who told him that he would never amount to anything and he would fail at everything.

As he recalled these early memories, John felt a wave of tremendous grief and anger for the way his parents treated him.  He knew that his parents thought they were trying to make him "tough" to face a difficult world, but he also realized how misguided they were.

Having gotten to his earliest memory of feeling unlovable using the affect bridge, his therapist recommended that they use EMDR therapy  to help him overcome the traumatic effect of his early childhood history (see my articles: Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR Therapy, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

Gradually, John began to feel better about himself.  The work with EMDR therapy wasn't the quick fix he hoped that it would be, but he discovered that he was slowly overcoming the trauma that had been an obstacle for him for so many years.

As John felt more confident and more genuinely himself without relying on a persona, over time he developed a relationship with Sara and discovered that she actually liked him for who he was and not for the person he was pretending to be when they first met.

Overall, he was happier in his relationship with Sara and in his career once he was able to overcome his traumatic history and allow himself to be genuine.

Conclusion
Men, who are players, are on a continuum.  With the exception of the most narcissistic or sociopathic male players, many men who engage in this deceptive, manipulative behavior with women eventually find this lifestyle to be hollow and meaningless.

Over time, they long for deeper, more substantial relationships, but they're so caught up in acting the part of a player that they don't know anymore (if they ever did) who they really are.  Giving up the persona would also mean giving up a way that they have come to successfully rely on to have attractive women as well as giving up the admiration they receive from their male peers.  It would also involve showing a more vulnerable part of themselves which they are ashamed of.

This often precipitates an emotional crisis for them, which is difficult to overcome on their own or with the people in their lives.  So, when the pain of being in an emotional crisis becomes greater than their shame, they often seek help in psychotherapy.

In an experiential therapy where the therapist knows how to help clients to trace back the origins of these men's problems, there is an opportunity for them to work through the current issues as well as the underlying issues that caused them to feel inadequate in the first place (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma).

Getting Help in Therapy
If this article resonates with you, you could benefit from getting help from a skilled psychotherapist.

An emotional crisis is painful, but it can also be an opportunity to resolve emotional problems that you might not otherwise feel motivated to address.

Once you have freed yourself from the burden of these emotional issues, you can lead a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I use Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples, which is an evidence based therapy which research has shown to be effective for relationship issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Understanding the Underlying Emotional Dynamics of Men Who Are Players

In my recent articles, I focused on "breadcrumbing," a form of manipulation that is used by one person to string along, control and dominate another in a relationship in order to take advantage of them (see my articles:  Relationships: Is Your Partner "Breadcrumbing" You? - Part 1, Breadcrumbing - Part 2: A Clinical Vignette, and Breadcrumbing - Part 3: Getting Help in Therapy).

Understanding the Underlying Emotional Dynamics of Men Who Are "Players"

In those articles, I focused on the person who is being manipulated.  In this article, I'm focusing on the person who is normally called the "player" (or pickup artist) to get beyond surface appearances and to take a deeper look at the underlying emotional issues involved.

Although this is a nonjudgmental look at men who are players, it should in no way be construed as condoning manipulative and deceptive behavior at someone else's expense.  Nor should it be interpreted as encouragement for anyone who is involved with a player to remain in a situation where you are being emotionally abused.

What is a "Player"?
A player can be either a man or a woman, heterosexual, gay or bisexual.  But, generally speaking, the term refers to a heterosexual man, who is unlikely to be faithful, honest or respectful in a relationship.    

He usually presents himself as someone who is the opposite of a player--a man who is kind, thoughtful, and interested in being in a monogamous relationship with a woman.  But his outward presentation hides a more seductive and manipulative person who only pretends to be interested in a relationship so he can fool women into having sex with him.   Usually, his main goal is to sleep with as many women as possible in short term hook ups.

Someone who is a "successful player" has mastered the pickup lines, demeanor, and strategies for deceiving a woman into thinking he is serious about a potential relationship with her.  He is often able to quickly assess her emotional vulnerabilities in order to get what he wants (see a fictional vignette from a prior article).

If a player has chosen a woman who is especially vulnerable, he can continue to manipulate her even after she realizes that she is being manipulated.  As in the case of the fictional vignette in my prior article, there are often unconscious issues involved for the woman who becomes aware that she is being manipulated and who remains with a player--even though she realizes that she's being played.

There are numerous books, manuals, workshops and boot camps for men who want to learn to be players.  These sources usually promise men that they will develop the necessary skills to seduce and sleep with as many women as possible.

Understanding the Underlying Emotional Dynamics of Men Who Are "Players"
Needless to say, these men are often young and there is usually a level of emotional immaturity and arrested development for men who engage in this behavior.

Just like any other dynamic, the underlying personality dynamics for a player are on a continuum.  This often includes a fair amount of narcissism that vacillates between grandiosity and shame (see my article: Narcissism: An Emotional Seesaw Between Grandiosity and Shame).

If someone's narcissism is on a sociopathic level, he will usually be completely self serving without any real shame or regret because he lacks the ability to be empathic towards the women he is deceiving and manipulating.

At the same time, there are many men who gravitate towards being players because they lack the necessary social skills and genuine confidence (as opposed to faked confidence) to be real with women.

They think that being a player or a "bad boy" will get them more women.  To an extent they're right about being fascinating towards certain women (see my article: What Makes So-Called "Bad Boys" So Irresistible to So Many Women? Brain Chemistry Might Have the Answer).

Another aspect that makes becoming a player attractive to some men is they believe they will gain the admiration of other men.  They believe that when other men see them with a beautiful, sexy woman on their arm, these men will see them as masculine and desirable to women and buy into the image the player is trying to project.  The fact that this often actually does happen among men only reinforces players' dynamics.

These men often grew up in homes where they didn't see loving relationships modeled for them in their household.  They might have grown up in homes where the father dominated a subservient mother and ruled the family, so these men get a distorted view of masculinity and what it means to be a man.  Also, many of them feel constrained by societal stereotypes of masculinity that are neither realistic nor attainable.

Many of these men, who project an air of confidence and charm, are really emotionally insecure.  They think they've found quick-fix techniques for attracting and manipulating women.  Underneath  their show of confidence is a fear that the women they're meeting will see how insecure and inferior they really feel (see my article: Looking Happy on the Outside But Feeling Broken on the Inside and     How to Stop Pretending to Feel Happy When You Don't).

While players, who succeed in obsessively seducing and sleeping with many women, might appear to be happy with their conquests, there are certain men for whom these mind games become old. As they age, the novelty and dopamine rush of conquering one woman after another becomes empty and makes them feel lonely.  And the thought of aging and becoming an old player, who is alone, begins to feel pathetic.

These men often face an emotional crisis because they really don't feel genuinely confident in being themselves and they haven't developed the necessary skills to pursue a more substantial relationship with a woman.  So, they can't go back to their old strategies, but they don't know how to move forward either.

The emotional crisis, while being painful, can be the first step for these men to seek help so they can change.

More about these issues in my next article (see Part 2: Understanding the Underlying Emotional Dynamics of Men Who Are "Players" - A Clinical Vignette).

Conclusion
Players or pickup artists are usually heterosexual men who engage in manipulative and deceptive strategies to hook up or have sex with as many women as possible.  Their behavior can be emotionally devastating for a woman who is vulnerable to being manipulated.

Underneath the confident and charming facade of a player usually lies a fearful, emotionally immature man who hasn't developed psychologically and interpersonally.  Instead, he has learned various techniques and strategies through books and workshops that promise him success with women.

Over time, some men, who consider themselves to be players and who aren't sociopathic, realize that they're tired of these mind games and want a more substantial relationship with a woman.  But they haven't developed the necessary skills to form a mature relationship.

This often leads to an emotional crisis with feelings of emptiness, loneliness and hopelessness. At that point, they usually feel that they can neither go back to their usual ways of being a player nor can they go forward to form stable, monogamous relationships.

Many men, who are in this emotional crisis, find their way forward by seeking help in therapy.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're struggling with feelings of emptiness, loneliness, insecurity and lack of self confidence, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

When you feel stuck in a dynamic that no longer works for you and you can't find your way forward, a skilled psychotherapist can help you to get through this emotional crisis so you can discover a more authentic part of yourself to form a stable relationship.

Rather than suffering on your own, you owe it to yourself to get help so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article:

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Bait and Switch as a Form of Manipulation in Relationships: A Clinical Vignette

In my prior article, Bait and Switch as a Form of Manipulation in Relationships, I identified the signs of this dynamic and it's intentional and manipulative nature.  In this article, I'm providing a fictional clinical vignette to give more details about this phenomenon and how psychotherapy can help.

Bait and Switch as a Form of Manipulation in Relationships

Clinical Vignette: Bait and Switch as a Form of Manipulation in Relationships:
Amy
When Amy, who was in her mid-30s, met Ted at her friend, Mary's party, she was immediately attracted to his good looks, charm, intelligence, self confidence and sense of humor.

Prior to meeting Ted, she had not met anyone that she liked for over a year, and she was feeling lonely.  He called her within days of meeting her and asked her out to dinner that same week. Soon they were seeing each other on a regular basis at least 2-3 times per week.  Amy enjoyed his company and she sensed that he really liked being with her too.

She liked that Ted said he wanted to settle down and have children because she really wanted children too.  She was concerned that her "biological clock" was ticking and being with a man who wanted children was very important to her.

After they were dating for six months, Ted told Amy that he was laid off from his job.  He also told her that his lease would soon be up and he wanted them to live together.  Amy told him that she would also like them to take their relationship to the next level and agreed that he should move in.  So, Ted moved into Amy's apartment.

Bait and Switch as a Form of Manipulation in Relationships

Six months after Ted moved in, Amy had a talk with Ted about where their relationship was going (see my article: Is It Time for "the Talk"?)

Ted told Amy that he wanted to be with her for the rest of their lives, so they began talking to Amy about getting married.  They were both enthusiastic about getting married.  A month later, they got engaged and they began planning the wedding.

A couple of months before the wedding, Amy told Ted that she wanted to stop taking her birth control pills so that they could have a baby soon.  This was something that they had talked about before, but they never talked about when they wanted to try to conceive.

Ted seemed anxious when Amy spoke to him about stopping the birth control pills.  He told her that he thought it was too soon, and they should wait until he got a better job with an increase in salary before they had a baby.

Amy knew that Ted was concerned about money, but he never mentioned before that he wanted to wait to have children. After being laid off from his sales job, he took a temporary to get by until he could find a better paying job.

Amy told Ted that they could manage financially on what she earned and his income from the temporary job.  She told him the she didn't care if she was supporting both of them for a while until Ted could get on his feet financially.

She also told him that she was concerned about her age and if she would be able to conceive if they waited longer.  But Ted was adamant that he wanted to wait.  He told her that he didn't think it would be much longer before he had a better job.

Somewhat concerned and disappointed, Amy agreed that they would wait until he got a better job.  She knew that he was doing his best to search for another job and she didn't want to nag him about it.

But one day, he left his email open and she happened to see an email from an employment recruiter.  Out of curiosity, she read the email, which was open.  The recruiter said that he was having a difficult time trying to find Ted a job because he was terminated for poor job performance from his last job and, since Ted's industry was one where people had close ties, word had gotten out about Ted's termination.

Amy was surprised to read this because Ted told her that he was laid off due to cutbacks.  He hadn't told her that he was fired for poor job performance.  She decided she would ask him about it when he got home.

But when Ted got home that night, he told her that he had wonderful news.  He said that he received a a great job offer. The job would involve a lot of travel, and they needed him to start right away.

Amy was surprised and pleased to hear Ted's good news.  He was in such a good mood that she refrained from questioning him about the email from the recruiter.  She told herself that the recruiter must have made a mistake, and she and Ted celebrated the good news.

Ted started his new job a few days later, and he said he had to fly out to California for a couple of weeks immediately.  Although Amy was disappointed that the new job would involve so much travel, she was glad that Ted had a full time job that paid well again.

While Ted was in California, he called Amy to talk briefly.  He said that he couldn't talk long because he had dinner meetings and he wouldn't get back to his hotel room until late.

During one of those calls, Amy brought up having a baby again and Ted got angry, "I just started this job!  Give me a chance to get settled!" and then he hung up.  Amy didn't hear from him for the rest of the week.  She tried calling him several times, but her calls went directly to voicemail and he didn't return her calls.

While he was away, Amy worried about what it meant that he wasn't calling her or responding to her calls.  He had never behaved this way before and she didn't know what to expect.

When Ted got home, he was in a grumpy mood. Amy tried to talk to him, but he went into the study and closed the door.  He didn't come into their bedroom until she had already fallen asleep, and he left for work the following morning before she woke up.

Annoyed and frustrated, Amy made up her mind to ask Ted what was going on.  She couldn't believe that he would still be so annoyed with her.  But an hour before the time that he usually got home, he texted her that he would be in a late night meeting and she shouldn't wait up for him.  It worried Amy that he also told her that he wouldn't be available to talk by phone.

When Amy woke up the next morning, she realized that Ted had not come home at all.  She tried to reach him on his cellphone, but he didn't respond.

Alarmed, she texted him that she would meet him after work in front of his new office building.  Ted texted back immediately that "under no circumstances" should Amy wait for him outside his office building.  He told her that he would be home late due to late night meetings and she shouldn't wait up for him.  Amy tried to call him several times, but he didn't respond to her messages.

By now, Amy was very worried that something was seriously wrong in their relationship.  Not sure what to do, she left work early and, despite what Ted told her, she waited for him outside his office building for more than two hours.  When Ted come out of the building, she tried to reach him again, to no avail.

She asked the security guard in the building if he knew Ted's company and what floor it was on, but the security guard said he never heard of this company.  Amy thought that was odd, and she decided to go back home.

As Amy walked home feeling dejected, she was crushed to see him walking across the street with an attractive young woman on his arm.  They were busy talking and laughing so Ted didn't see Amy.  In tears, she followed them from a distance and saw them go into a residential apartment building a few blocks away.

After that, Amy knew that Ted was having an affair and their relationship was over.  But she wanted an explanation from Ted.

When he got home that night, Ted was in a good mood.  He gave Amy a hug and no longer seemed angry with her.  Hurt and angry, Amy pushed him away, "I saw you today with another woman!  What's going on?  Have you been cheating on me all along?"

Ted stepped back angrily, "What are you talking about?  I don't know who you saw, but it wasn't me."

Amy burst into tears, "Ted, I saw you with my own eyes! Why are you lying to me?  We're going to get married in a few weeks.  What are you doing?  And do you even have a job or have you been deceiving me about that too?"

Ted's manner changed.  He suddenly became cold, "Alright.  Now you know.  Are you satisfied?  I don't have a job.  I just told you that I did. And, yes, I've been seeing someone else.  I tried to protect you from all of this, but you had to be nosy."

Amy was too stunned to say a word, but Ted continued, "Look, you were the one who wanted to get married and have a baby.  I never really wanted to get married and have children.  I was trying to please you, but we're not getting along, so what's the point?  Let's just call it quits."

Amy was shocked.  It was all happening so fast.  She tried to talk to Ted, but he began packing his things, "Amy, it's over.  Move on with your life."

After he packed his things, refusing to talk to Amy, Ted left abruptly slamming the door behind him.  She called their mutual friend, Mary, in tears.

Mary listened patiently and when Amy finished talking, Mary cleared her throat and spoke hesitantly, "I'm sorry, Amy.  I heard from a friend a few years ago that he did the same thing to her.  He moved in with her when he lost his job, he proposed to her and then he left her for someone else.  She said it was like he turned into another person and blamed her.  I was hoping that Ted had changed.  You both seemed so in love, and I didn't want to spoil things by telling you.  I had no idea he would do the same thing to you.  I'm so sorry.  I should have warned you..."

Amy was numb after she heard Mary's words and she hung up the phone while Mary was still speaking.

A few days later, Amy contacted her friends, relatives and the wedding vendors to let them know that the wedding was off.  She gave no explanation.

Soon after that, Amy began psychotherapy to deal with her shock and loss.  Her psychotherapist listened empathically.  Then, she explained to Amy that it appeared that Ted had manipulated her for his own selfish reasons.  She also explained the "bait and switch" tactic that some people in relationships engage in.

Amy found out a few weeks later from an acquaintance that Ted was now living with his new girlfriend, the same woman that Amy saw on his arm.

During the next several months, Amy attended her weekly psychotherapy sessions.  She felt emotionally supported and understood by her psychotherapist.

They used EMDR therapy to work on the trauma of being manipulated and abandoned by Ted and the humiliation and sadness she felt about cancelling her wedding (see my articles: What is EMDR Therapy?, How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR and the Brain, and Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR Therapy, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

Gradually, over time, she began to work through the trauma.  She also began to understand what happened, how Ted had lied to her all along about wanting to get married and have children so that she would take him in and support him.  She also realized that she overlooked certain red flags about Ted's character.  She understood that her loneliness and desire to be in a relationship might have made her more susceptible to Ted's charisma (see my article: Relationships: Falling For Charisma Instead of Character).

After talking to other people who knew Ted, Amy found out that Ted's usual pattern was to get involved with a woman and move in with her when he was having financial problems.  They told her that he was usually unfaithful and began a relationship with a new woman before he left his current relationship.

Gradually, as Amy continued in therapy, she regained her self confidence again.  When she met another man that she really liked, she was leery of trusting him.  But, over time, she lost her fear of being in a relationship again, and she opened up to this new experience.

Conclusion
People who engage in bait and switch tactics are usually very good at manipulating other people.  They can be very charming and take advantage of people.

In some cases, like in the vignette above, they are narcissistic and often engage in gaslighting.  These traits might not emerge until later on in the relationship.

There are often red flags, but the person who is being conned often misses these red flags because of their own state of denial.

The bait and switch can be about anything, as I mentioned in my prior article.

Getting Help in Therapy
Experiencing betrayal and manipulation by someone that you love is a shocking and hurtful experience.  It's a traumatic experience that can make it difficult for you to trust again.

Working with an experienced psychotherapist can help you to overcome this traumatic experience (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Rather than suffering on your own, you owe to yourself to get help from a skilled licensed mental health professional so you can heal (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I have helped many people to overcome betrayal and loss so they can move on with their lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

"Bait and Switch" as a Form of Manipulation in Relationships

As a psychotherapist in New York City, I see many clients who complain that their significant other made promises to them that they didn't honor and, worse still, never had any intention of honoring.  Feeling confused, upset and betrayed, these clients talk about being manipulated by their significant other with a "bait and switch" tactic, which is the topic of this article (see my article: Keeping or Breaking Promises).

"Bait and Switch" as a Form of Manipulation in Relationships

What is "Bait and Switch" in Relationships?
To be clear, there will obviously be disappointments and frustration at some point in every relationship.  Being human, we all make mistakes.  But those are very different situations from the concept of "bait and switch."

"Bait and switch" isn't a matter of making a mistake or having a change of heart.  It's intentional manipulation.  Someone makes a promise to do something in order to get what s/he wants at that point in time--knowing all the while that s/he will never honor that promise.

It's not unusual for the person who engages in "bait and switch" to try to turn the tables on his or her partner by either blaming the partner or denying that s/he ever admitted to a problem or said s/he would change.

This act of turning the tables often involves the "gaslighting" of the partner who is being manipulated and betrayed (see my article: Are You Being Gaslighted in Your Relationship?).

The fact that it's an intentional act is what makes people on the receiving end of "bait and switch" feel so confused, upset and betrayed.  They often say that they feel like they don't even know who their partner is anymore and, maybe, never did.

Examples of "Bait and Switch" in Relationships:

• A man, who has been unfaithful during the dating phase of a relationship, makes a promise to his significant other that he won't cheat if they get married.  But after the marriage, when his then-wife finds out that he is still cheating, he tells her that he is "just being a man," he has no intention of ending his extramarital affairs, she needs to "get use to it" and stop nagging him about it.

• A woman, who has mismanaged her finances, promises her fiancé that she will clear up her debt before they get married.  But after they get married, she not only hasn't cleared up her prior debt, but she continues to overspend because she has no intention of changing.  When her husband confronts her about this, she tells him that he is "making a big deal out of nothing."

• A fiancé, who has unresolved emotional problems that are affecting his romantic relationship, promises his fiancee that he will participate in psychotherapy.  However, time passes and he doesn't make an effort to start therapy.  When his fiancee confronts him about it, he refuses to go to therapy, denies that he ever said he would, and tells her that he sees no reason to do it.  He tells her that she is the one with the problem so she should go to therapy.

• A significant other promises she will get help for her gambling problem after she and her fiancé get married.  But after the marriage, she denies having a problem, and she accuses him of "imagining things." 

• Knowing that his girlfriend will not marry him if the rumors that he is the father of another woman's baby are true, a man adamantly denies to his girlfriend that he is baby's father.  He denies even knowing this other woman.  However, after they get married and he gets the results of a DNA test and a court order to pay child support, he tells his now-wife that he is the baby's father and denies ever telling her that he wasn't.

• A woman, who was charming and loving before the marriage, becomes emotionally abusive to her husband after the marriage.  When he confronts her about it, she tells her husband, who is stunned by the change in her behavior, that he is the one with the problem because he is "too needy" and "too sensitive."  Eventually, the husband finds out that his wife was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder long before they got married, but she intentionally kept her diagnosis a secret from him before the marriage (see my article: Coping With a Spouse Who Has Borderline Personality Disorder).

• Before getting married, a couple agree that they both want children.   But after they get married, the husband reveals that he never wanted children, and he only told her that he did because he knew she wouldn't marry him if he told her the truth.  He doesn't understand why his wife is so upset with him now.

And so on.

There are many more examples of "bait and switch" in relationships, but I think you can see a pattern in the examples that I've given and note that information is either intentionally withheld and/or lied about.

"Bait and Switch" as a Form of Manipulation in Relationships

In most cases, the person who engages in "bait and switch" is manipulating to get what s/he wants, knowing all along that s/he won't fulfill the commitment.

The person who engages in "bait and switch" often lacks empathy for the partner, which is the hallmark of people with narcissistic or sociopathic traits.

People who engage in this form of manipulation are often very good at deceiving others to get what they want and can switch on the turn of a dime once they have gotten what they want (see my article: A Relationship With a Narcissistic Partner: Where Did the Love Go?).

In my next article, I'll give a clinical example with more detail to illustrate how these dynamics often play out in a relationship, and how psychotherapy can help (see my next article: "Bait and Switch" as a Form of Manipulation in Relationships: A Clinical Vignette).

Conclusion
Unfortunately, "bait and switch" in relationships isn't as uncommon as most people would like to think.

It can be very upsetting and confusing once the trusting partner realizes that s/he has been "conned" by the significant other.

Many people who are on the receiving end of the "bait and switch" tactic go through a phase of shock and denial before they fully accept who the partner is and what happened in the relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy
Realizing that the person you love has manipulated and lied to you is a betrayal that most people find too difficult to cope with on their own.

An experienced psychotherapist cannot tell you what to do about your relationship, but she can help you to go through the process of making a decision that will be right for you (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Rather than struggling on your own and feeling trapped, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who can assist you to work through your problems (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing therapist and Sex Therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.
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Living a Double Life - Part 1: The Public Self and Private Self

What does it mean to live a double life?  In this blog article, I'll explore what it means to have a public self and a private self as well as personal fantasies, which are common to most people.   In a future article, I'll compare this common behavior to the concept of living a double life.

The Private Self

The Public Self and the Private Self
Let's start by exploring a common phenomenon:  The public and the private self.  On the most basic level, everyone has a public and a private self.  

The public self is the self that, as the term implies. we show to the world.  We usually show different aspects of this public self, depending upon the context.

So, for instance, we might present ourselves at work in a different light than we present ourselves when we socialize with friends or loved ones or when we're relaxing at home.

At work, we might be more formal, depending upon the setting, as opposed to when we're relaxed and informal with loved ones.  With loved ones, we usually allow more private aspects of ourselves to reveal themselves.  And we're usually different with the various people in our lives.  For instance, people usually allow themselves to be more emotionally vulnerable with a spouse or romantic partner than with a casual friend.

Like anything else, the different aspects of self are on a continuum.  Generally speaking, there's nothing unusual about having these different aspects of self, unless there's a big disconnect with these aspects, which I'll discuss in a future blog article.

Fantasies of the Private Self

Aside from how we are in terms of the public and private self, we all have personal fantasies, many of which we keep to ourselves, possibly not even revealing them to those closest to us.

There are all kinds of fantasies, including sexual fantasies, fantasies of being successful, fantasies of being a hero, and so on.  

Fantasies are common and they're usually forward looking.

When a fantasy is positive and forward looking, it can provide the beginning of a new idea.  It can be the beginning of a new creative endeavor by allowing oneself to "think outside the box" or to come up with creative solutions to problems, a new invention, artwork, and so on.

Of course, in order for the fantasy to come to fruition, the fantasy can't just remain in someone's head--some action needs to be taken.

Living a Double Life 

So far, what I've described are common aspects of everyday life, not what would be described as "living a double life" in the usual sense of the term.  These common aspects of self, the public and private selves and inner fantasies are usually part of a more or less integrated personality and an integrated life.

When we use the term "living a double life," we're usually referring to someone who lives a compartmentalized life with very different aspects of him or herself  hidden away from most people. This is in contrast to what we've been exploring so far, the person who has a more integrated life.  The person who is living a double life often has a secret part of his or her life.  It's not unusual for the secret part of his or her life to be hidden away from even loved ones.

Aside from secrecy, there's often some form of deception involved.  Like anything else, leading a double life can be viewed on a continuum from moderate to severe.

Leading a double life could involve anything from cheating on a spouse to, on the more extreme level, sociopathic behavior.

The most severe form of leading a double life would involve sociopathic behavior that can be harmful to oneself as well as others.

Examples of Living a Double Life That Are Harmful Would Be:

• Engaging in infidelity
• Having a second family that the spouse and family in the primary family know nothing about
• Having a separate, secret identity (like the main character in "Mad Men," Don Draper)
• Engaging in money laundering
• Engaging in White collar crime
• Engaging in a Ponzi scheme
• Other attempts to defraud others

And so on...

I've written a prior blog article about a book that describes sociopathic and near sociopathic behavior, Book: Almost a Sociopath, so in a future blog article, I'll focus on the more common types of living a double life on the less extreme end of the spectrum.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

See:  Living a Double Life - Part 2: Secrets and Lies of Infidelity