What Are the Basic Rules of Sexual Consent?

There are some basic rules about sexual consent that everyone should know and abide by.

What is Sexual Consent?

On the most basic level, sexual consent is the mutual, freely given agreement between people who are about to engage in sexual activities.

Understand and Abide By the Rules of Sexual Consent

A flagrant disregard for sexual consent is considered sexual assault or rape, so it's important to be knowledgeable and abide by sexual consent rules.

Unfortunately, there is a serious lack of sex education in US schools and in homes so many people, especially boys and men, don't understand sexual consent.  In addition, some girls and women are also confused about sexual consent.

    The Basic Rules of Sexual Consent

• A Person Cannot Give Consent If They Are Underage: If someone is a minor, even if they say yes to engaging in sex, they cannot give legal consent to have sex. You must know the age of this person and be aware of the legal age to give consent in the state you are in because the law varies from state to state in the US.  

• A Person Cannot Give Consent If They Are Impaired By Alcohol or Drugs: Since alcohol and drugs impair a person's judgment and ability to communicate, including the ability to communicate about sexual consent, you must be cautious and aware of the other person's state. Although it can be tricky to gauge someone's state, if you have any doubt about whether a person has the ability to give consent and communicate it freely, don't have sex.  This includes everything from touching, kissing, up to and including sexual intercourse. It is your responsibility to assess the situation and behave accordingly or you might find yourself in bed with someone who doesn't remember giving consent the next day, which could mean legal problems for you.

A Person Who is Impaired Cannot Give Sexual Consent

• A Person Cannot Give Consent If They Have Diminished Capacity, Judgment or Ability to Communicate Freely Due to Mental Illness or Disability:  This is similar to alcohol and drug impairment. If someone doesn't have the ability to make decisions and communicate clearly on their own behalf or you are not sure whether they do or not, do not engage in sex with this person.

• A Person Cannot Give Consent If They Are Pressured, Threatened, Tricked or Manipulated: If you have threatened, manipulated, coerced or tricked someone into having sex, you don't have consent.  Consent must be freely given without threat, deception or manipulation.

• A Person Who is Being Sex Trafficked Cannot Give Consent: The Trafficking Victims Act of 2000 defines sex trafficking as any adult or minor under the age of 18 who is involved in a commercial sex act that was induced by force, fraud or coercion. According to the US Federal Government, sex trafficking is the modern day equivalent of human slavery. People who engage in commercial sex with underage youth are usually men, and they are sexual predators and child molesters. Sex trafficking is a felony offense. The worst states for sex trafficking (as of the writing of this article) are California, New York, Florida and Texas. They are the leading states for sex trafficking. Of all the states in the US, California is #1 and New York State is #4 for sex trafficking. There are serious legal consequences for sex trafficking on the state and Federal level.

• A Person Who is Unconscious Cannot Give Consent: Whether the person is unconscious due to alcohol, drugs or for some other reason, you don't have consent if the person is unconscious. If you have sex with an unconscious person, you are having non-consensual sex and you will be legally responsible for your actions.

• A Person Who Gave Consent in the Past Isn't Necessarily Giving Consent in the Present or in the Future: Don't assume that if you had sexual consent in the past that you have consent in the present or that you will have consent in the future. You must have consent each time.

Consent From the Past Does Not Mean Consent in the Present

• A Person Who is Not Sure If They Want to Have Sex Isn't Giving Consent: When someone says "No," that's clear. But don't assume that "Maybe" means"Yes." If someone isn't sure, you don't have consent so don't have sex.

Consent Can Be Withdrawn At Any Time

• A Person Can Withdraw Consent At Any Time: Even if you are in the middle of a sexual act, if a person says no or stop or signals in any way that they want you to stop, you must stop immediately, even if you don't like it, because you no longer have consent.

Why Do People Disregard the Rules of Sexual Consent?

A lack of understanding and sex education are part of the issue, but this does not account for the blatant disregard that many people show for sexual consent.

People who choose to blatantly disregard sexual consent are abusing their power in sexual situations.  Sexual assault and rape are not about sex--they are about abusing power over another person.

My Next Article:

This article covered the basic rules of sexual consent.

My next article will go beyond the basic rules to update the sexual consent rules: 

"No Means No" Isn't Enough. What is Enthusiastic Sexual Consent?

Resources For Sexual Assault and Rape Victims

If you have been the victim of a sexual assault or rape, the following national and New York City resources are available for sexual assault and rape victims:

    

    National Sexual Assault Hotline:    800-656-HOPE (4673)

    NYC Crime Victims Hotline:          866-689-HELP (4357)

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Slut-Shaming Women and Girls is a Form of Bullying and Sexual Harassment

Slut-shaming is a form of bullying and sexual harassment of (mostly) women and girls.  It's not new--an early example of slut-shaming is in The Scarlet Letter, a novel written by Nathaniel Hawthorne which was published in 1850.  

Slut-Shaming is a Form of Bullying and Sexual Harassment

The story takes place between the years 1642-1649 in the Puritan Massachusetts Bay Colony. The main character, a young woman named Hester Prynne, has a child from a man she isn't married to and whom she refuses to identify to the local ministers who are demanding to know the father's identity.

As a result, the punishment for her "sin" is that she must stand on a scaffold in town for three hours to be shamed and ridiculed by the townspeople. In addition, she must wear the scarlet letter "A," which stands for adultery, for the rest of her life.

What is Modern Day Slut-Shaming?

Let's start by defining modern day slut-shaming (see my article: The Madonna-Whore Complex is Still Alive and Well Today).

Stop Slut-Shaming

Modern day slut-shaming is a term used for the act of judging, stigmatizing and bullying girls and women based on their appearance, sexual attitudes and their actual or perceived sexual habits. 

Although contemporary society no longer requires girls and women to stand in the town square to be shamed, current day bullies have other ways to degrade and humiliate them, including verbal harassment and cyberbullying with posts on social media.

Anyone can be slut-shamed, but teenage girls and women of all ages are usually the targets for violating sexual norms from the perspective of the harassers.  

This form of bullying and sexual harassment can occur with or without the intended target's knowledge either in person or, as mentioned before, on social media.  Unfortunately, social media provides a platform for slut-shaming which can reach millions of people.

Girls and Women Are Not Asking For It

There is often an attitude among people who engage in this form of sexual harassment that girls and women are "asking for it" by wearing certain clothes or engaging in certain sexual behavior.  This attitude is a form of misogyny.  

According to the American Association of University Women, slut-shaming is the most common form of sexual harassment in middle school.  

Schools can also, unwittingly, create the atmosphere for slut-shaming by requiring certain dress codes for girls that prohibit them from wearing clothes that reveal "too much skin," but the same schools often don't have the same dress code for boys.  

Girls in these schools are often penalized for "distracting boys" with revealing clothes.  This is a form of scapegoating and victim-blaming. It sends a dangerous message to everyone that girls are responsible for boys' "uncontrolled" behavior.  It also blames girls who are sexually harassed and assaulted by indicating that it was their own fault.  

Examples of Modern Day Slut-Shaming

The following examples represent only a few of the many ways that girls and women are slut-shamed:

• A woman who is wearing a sexy outfit is criticized (by men and women) as being a "bimbo," "hoe" and other derogatory names to her face as well as behind her back.

• A woman who enjoys sex is degraded verbally to her face as well as being gossiped behind her back.

• A woman who has an extensive sexual history is verbally attacked by her boyfriend (or spouse) in an unrelated argument.

Stop Slut-Shaming

• A woman discovers that a former boyfriend placed a sex video of them on social media without her consent (see my article: What is Revenge Porn?).

• A high school girl, who is about to text her boyfriend with a sexy picture of herself, is shamed by her friend.

• A middle school girl comes to class one day and discovers her classmates are gossiping about her because a boy she dated revealed she allowed him to touch her breasts.  At the same time, this boy is praised by his male friends for the same acts for which the girl is denigrated.

• A high school girl discovers that her classmates are criticizing her sex life on social media.

The SlutWalk and #MeToo Movement: Reclaiming the Word "Slut"

Even celebrities aren't immune from slut-shaming.  Some of the most visible cases of slut-shaming on social media have included celebrities like Miley Cyrus, Kim Kardashian, Ariana Grande and Amber Rose.

After she was slut-shamed by her former husband, Amber Rose created the SlutWalk in 2015 where she gave a speech to talk about her personal experience.  In addition, she has spoken out publicly about the purpose of the Slutwalk as giving women a voice for gender equality and to address sexual injustice, victim blaming and derogatory labeling.

The Slutwalk is one way that women have reclaimed the word "slut." With regard to the origin of the word, it seems to have been used originally by English poet Geoffrey Chaucer who used the word "sluttish" in the 14th century to describe untidy men.  Eventually, "slut" was attributed to kitchen maids and "dirty women" and was followed by the more contemporary sexual connotation that has been used to scapegoat women in general.

The reclaiming of the word "slut" is intended to deal with external misogyny as well as the internalized misogyny experienced by women.

The Slutwalk also provides a way for women to tell their own stories and provides words of empowerment for other women who have endured this form of sexual harassment.  It has become an international movement which calls for the end of rape culture, victim blaming and slut-shaming.

The #MeToo movement has also served to empower women and raise people's awareness about sexual harassment and sexual violence.

The Psychological Effects of Slut-Shaming

The psychological effects of slut-shaming can be traumatic and long lasting.

Slut-shaming has been linked to 

• Depression
• Anxiety
• Feelings of guilt and shame 
• Problems with body image
• Low self esteem
• sexual anxiety
  
• Sexual guilt
• Suicidal ideation
• Suicide 

Seeking Help in Trauma Therapy

If you have experienced slut-shaming, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who specializes in helping clients overcome psychological trauma.

Trauma Therapy

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to overcome trauma, rebuild your confidence and improve your overall well-being.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a trauma therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Unresolved Trauma Affects How You Feel About Yourself

Psychological trauma often has a negative impact on how you feel about yourself.  In trauma therapy, like EMDR, the psychotherapist explores the negative beliefs that developed for the client as a result of trauma (see my articles: How EMDR Works: EMDR and the Brain and Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR Therapy, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

How Unresolved Trauma Affects How You Feel About Yourself

These beliefs often remain unconscious before the client seeks help in psychotherapy.  But these negative beliefs often get enacted in other areas of the client's life without his or her realizing it before therapy.

Depending upon the kind of trauma and the lasting impact, these negative beliefs might include feeling unlovable, unworthy, powerless, weak and so on.  This is especially true if there weren't people who intervened at the time of the trauma on the traumatized person's behalf.

Fictional Clinical Vignette: How Trauma Affects How You feel About Yourself
The following fictional vignette, which is similar to many actual therapy cases, illustrates how trauma can have a negative lasting impact on self perception:

Nina
After she experienced herself as being helpless in a situation at work where she was being sexually harassed, Nina sought help in psychotherapy.

Nina explained to her psychotherapist that she had always done well in college and in her prior jobs.  She was able to negotiate whatever challenges presented themselves in all her prior educational and career endeavors.

However, in her new position as a director, she felt undermined by a manager, Alan, who felt that he should have been the one promoted into the new position--not Nina.  Not only did Alan voice his anger about her getting the promotion when he felt he was better qualified, but he also tried to belittle her by making comments with sexual innuendos when no one else was around.

Nina told her therapist that she ignored him at first but, over time, Alan's sexual comments were more brazen and hostile.  She knew he was trying to intimidate her, and she thought about reporting him to her executive director and the human resources department, but she was afraid that no one would believe her because it would be her word against his, and Alan was generally well liked.

At the same time, Nina knew that she needed to do something because Alan's remarks were becoming more outrageous, and it was getting to the point where she dreaded going to work and encountering him alone in the pantry or on the elevator.  She was losing sleep over it, and over time, this problem was taking up more and more of her thoughts.  It was also interfering with her work.

The psychotherapist explored Nina's background and discovered that Nina was sexually abused from the time she was five until she was 18 by a paternal uncle, who was much loved by the family.  The sexual abuse included making sexual comments to her, kissing her on the mouth and fondling her breasts (see my article: Overcoming the Psychological Effects of Sexual Abuse).

With much trepidation, when Nina was seven, told her mother about the uncle's inappropriate behavior. But her mother refused to believe her.  Not only didn't she believe Nina, but she punished her because the mother believed that Nina was lying.

As a result, the sexual abuse continued whenever the uncle found an opportunity to be alone with Nina (similar to her situation at work with Alan), and Nina felt that, somehow, she was at fault for what her uncle was doing.

The only reason the abuse stopped was that Nina went away to college.  Determined to put the sexual abuse out of her mind, she focused on her college work and excelled in her studies.  After college, she shared an apartment with friends, and she never attended family events where she knew her paternal uncle would be there.

Until Alan began sexually harassing her, Nina thought that she had overcome her history of sexual abuse.  But she realized that she was feeling just as powerless in her current situation as she felt when she was a child.

Her psychotherapist recommended that Nina could take the situation at work one step at a time, so if Nina was too afraid to file a formal complaint with her human resources department, she could speak with her human resource manager informally to find out her rights.

Her therapist also told Nina that it appeared that her earlier trauma of feeling powerless was triggering feelings of powerlessness in her current situation.  She explained to Nina that she had an unresolved trauma that was complicating her current situation, and she recommended that they use EMDR therapy to help Nina to resolve the original trauma involving the sexual abuse with her uncle as well as the fact that her mother didn't believe or support her when she told her mother about the abuse (see my article: EMDR Therapy - When Talk Therapy Isn't Enough).

Nina took practical steps to speak with the human resource (HR) manager about what would happen if she filed a sexual harassment complaint.  To her surprise and relief, the HR manager told Nina that she was already conducting an investigation and, based on a complaint from a few other women in Nina's department, she was about to contact Nina to ask her if she was being harassed.

Since Nina had come to her on her own, the HR manager asked her specifically about her experiences with Alan, and Nina was able to tell her about the sexual comments that he made to her.  A few weeks later, based on several women coming forward to complain about Alan's behavior, he was terminated.

At the same time, Nina and her psychotherapist did EMDR therapy to work on the many years of sexual abuse that she experienced by her uncle.  They also worked on how betrayed Nina felt that her mother thought she was lying.

Nina was somewhat surprised that, after all the years that had gone by, she could still be triggered into feeling powerless in her situation at work.

Their work with EMDR therapy was neither quick nor easy but, her therapist explained, EMDR therapy tends to be faster and more effective than regular talk therapy with unresolved trauma.

Over time, Nina was able to work through the unresolved trauma so that it was no longer affecting her.  She no longer felt powerless in relation to her memory of the abuse or in her current life.

In fact, when another male colleague tried to sexually harass her, Nina put him in his place and told him in no uncertain terms that if he did not stop, she would report him.  Startled by her assertiveness, the colleague seemed intimidated by Nina.  He apologized for his behavior, and he stopped making inappropriate comments.

Feeling Empowered After Resolving Prior Trauma

Afterward, Nina felt she had handled the situation well, and she told her psychotherapist that she felt good about herself.

Shortly after that, Nina had a long talk with her mother about the sexual abuse that occurred when Nina was child.  Her mother believed her this time.  She apologized and they began to work on improving their relationship.  Her mother also forbid the uncle from coming to any more family events.  With Nina's permission, her mother also told other family members so that they would be aware of his behavior and prevent any other children from being abused.

Conclusion
This brief fictional vignette illustrates that, even when a client thinks that s/he had suppressed the negative emotions associated with an early trauma, these feelings can get triggered in a current situation.

The unresolved trauma remains unmetabolized just under the surface, and it can remain there for many years until it gets triggered again.

Trauma therapy, like EMDR therapy, can help clients to overcome traumatic experiences in a more effective way than regular talk therapy.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you are struggling with unresolved trauma, you owe it to yourself to get help in trauma therapy (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to overcome unresolved trauma so you can free yourself from your history and lead a more fulfilling life (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article:  How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

As a trauma therapist, I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many clients to overcome unresolved trauma.  

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Somatic Experiencing: Overcoming the Freeze Response Related to Trauma

Fight or flight is the response that most people associate with trauma. Most people are less familiar with the freeze response as a reaction to trauma.  But, in fact, freezing in fear is  another typical response associated with trauma.  The freeze response is also known as dissociation.

Somatic Experiencing: Overcoming the Freeze Response Related to Trauma

The following composite scenario is an example of a traumatic freeze response and how Somatic Experiencing, a mind-body oriented therapy, can help.  As always, in my composite examples, all identifying information has been changed to protect confidentiality:

Jan:

A senior manager at Jan's company had shown a sexual interest in Jan for several months.  He called her several times and sent her email to ask her out on a date.  Even though she didn't report to this manager, she feared she would get in trouble if he thought she was being rude towards him, so she always turned him down politely and tried to avoid him.  

Over time, this manager became more flirtatious in his calls and email, and this was making Jan increasingly anxious.  Every time she had to use the elevator, she was vigilant that he was not inside because she didn't want to be alone with him.  She knew about the company's sexual harassment policy and that his behavior would be considered sexual harassment, but she was too afraid that she would be blamed somehow for his behavior.

One day when she was alone in the office pantry, this manager entered the room and he said in a flirtatious tone, "Alone at last.  You've been avoiding me."  Jan was in the corner of the room and she froze in fear.  She wanted to leave the room, but she felt as if she was paralyzed and frozen in place.  Her heart was racing, she felt on the verge of tears, and she couldn't understand what was happening to her.  

Fortunately, a colleague came into the room and the senior manager left.  The colleague approached Jan and said, "Are you all right?  You look white as a ghost."  Jan, finally able to move, excused herself, went into her office, closed the door, and burst into tears.

Jan began therapy shortly after that incident.  She revealed a history of sexual molestation by an uncle starting when she was five years old.  According to Jan, when she told her mother, her mother blamed Jan and told her that she must have done something to provoke the uncle into molesting her.  Jan's response was to blame herself, as children often do.  And, even though her parents severed their ties with the uncle, they blamed her for the problems.

Therapy began with emotional resourcing whereby Jan began to develop enough self confidence that she was able to report the senior manager to the company's Equal Employment Officer.  His email alone incriminated him.  During the EEO investigation, other women also revealed that he was also sexually harassing them, and he was terminated.

There were many parallels between the original sexual abuse when Jan was a child and the sexual harassment she experienced as an adult at work.  So, an important part of Jan's therapy, which was the mind-body therapy known as Somatic Experiencing, was for Jan to learn to distinguish "then" from "now."  

In other words, whereas her initial freeze reaction to the senior manager triggered the original trauma from her childhood, leaving her feeling like a child, she learned to separate (or "uncouple" in Somatic Experiencing terms) her childhood experience from her adult experience.  This alone was an empowering experience.  She not only knew on a cognitive level that she had more power now than she did as a child, but she felt it on an emotional level.  

Somatic Experiencing is a Mind-Body Oriented Trauma Therapy  

Using Somatic Experiencing, over time, Jan was also able to work through the original trauma of being sexually molested.

Overcoming the Freeze Response Related to Trauma With Somatic Experiencing Therapy

In the scenario above, there is a clear connection between Jan's response to the sexual harassment at the office and the sexual molestation that occurred when she was a child.  In other cases, the connection isn't always so clear.  But, unlike regular talk therapy, Somatic Experiencing doesn't require this kind of clear connection for it to be effective.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you have a history of trauma that is affecting you now, you owe it to yourself to get help to overcome the trauma so you can lead a fulfilling life, trauma free.  My professional experience as a therapist who uses Somatic Experiencing with clients who have tried, unsuccessfully, to work through trauma with regular talk therapy is that Somatic Experiencing tends to be more effective for most people.

I've included a link below for the professional Somatic Experiencing website, which provides more information about Somatic Experiencing and a directory of Somatic Experiencing therapists.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Risky Business: Having a Sexual Affair with Your Boss

Having a sexual affair with your boss is engaging in risky business with your career and your emotions. What might start out as seductive and exciting could end up a disaster for you and  your boss.  

Risky Business:  Having a Sexual Affair with Your Boss

Office Affairs
Before I went to college, I spent a few years working as a secretary in the corporate world.  Having graduated high school at 17, I wasn't sure what I wanted to do, so I became a secretary while I did some soul searching about my life.  At the time, secretarial jobs were plentiful and it was the way that many women entered the workforce.  Being young and naive, I had a lot to learn about the world of work and the complicated relationships that people had with each other, and I certainly knew nothing about sexual affairs between bosses and their subordinates.

On Day One, I was escorted to my desk by the vice president's executive secretary, a tall, beautiful Argentinian woman, Alicia (not her real name) who dressed impeccably and left a faint seductive trail of her perfume as she walked by.  She carried herself like a queen, and I soon learned that she wielded a lot of power in the office over everyone who reported to her boss.  Although she was very charming, her manner was also intimidating.  I sensed immediately that people were afraid of her.  They also hinted salaciously that Alicia was having a longstanding sexual affair with her boss, the vice president, who was a married man with children.

Having a Sexual Affair with Your Boss Can Jeopardize Your Emotional Health and Your Career

Soon after I arrived, I was warned by the other secretaries that I shouldn't do anything to cross Alicia because one word from her to her boss and people were fired.  By the second week, I observed Alicia berating my boss in front of other managers.  She eviscerated him in her imperial manner and then she walked away.  When she left, he stood by his desk speechless and looking ashamed and powerless.  I turned away and pretended not to see what had just happened to help him save face.

On the surface, the secretaries and the managers went out of their way to ingratiate themselves with Alicia.  But, behind her back, they engaged in revenge fantasies about her downfall.  Being so young and inexperienced about the work world, I tried to steer clear of the vicious gossip.  But I couldn't help observing how Alicia and her boss barely concealed their sexual affair.  They were openly flirtatious with each other in front of everyone, and they took long lunches together, coming back all smiles.

If this sounds like something out of the TV program, "Mad Men," it's because, at the time, this wasn't unusual behavior at the office.  This was before companies instituted sexual harassment policies and bosses were warned about the dire consequences to the company and themselves if a sexual affair went south and a subordinate filed a complaint against the boss.

One day, I came in and I was surprised to see Alicia sitting at her desk with puffy red eyes, looking nervous and ill at ease.  It was obvious that she had been crying.  When her boss came out to give her work, rather than lingering around her seductively as he usually did, he was stone faced.  He handed her the work, barely looking at her, and went back in his office closing the door.  Soon, the office rumor mill was gleefully buzzing:  The vice president broke it off with Alicia, telling her that he had no intention of leaving his wife and children.  This was the day people were waiting for and they couldn't be more elated than if they had won the lottery.

Sitting alone at my desk, I pretended to be engrossed in my work.  I didn't dare make eye contact with Alicia.  Although, like everyone else, by then, I had experienced her tongue lashings on more than one occasion, I couldn't help feeling sorry for her.  I could feel the waves of sadness coming from her direction.  She sat silently typing at her desk, wiping away tears, and looking shrunken and humiliated in her grief.  Somehow, she even looked older.  She was an intelligent woman with excellent administrative skills.  If this had been 20 years later, she could have run the place as a vice president herself, but there were fewer opportunities for women at that time.

A few weeks later, I was offered another job and I left.  Many years went by and I didn't know what had become of Alicia or her boss--until I ran into her on the street near Saks Fifth Avenue.  She called out to me and, at first, I didn't recognize her.  When she told me who she was, of course, I remembered her.  At that point, she was easily in her mid-60s.  She was statuesque and beautiful, but I sensed that something was missing.   Her face told the whole story--she looked lost and sad.

Over coffee, she told me that she had never married and lived with her older sister.  She was retired now and spent most of her time at home.  She alluded to being pushed out of her job by the vice president and how the staff was openly hostile to her before she left.  Since Alicia and I had never talked about her affair with her boss before, I was surprised at how candid she was with me now.  I didn't know quite what to say, so I just listened.  I sensed that she didn't have many friends that she could talk to and her older sister was very straight laced.

Apparently, the breakup had been disastrous for her.  She really loved her boss and hoped that he would leave his wife.  She felt she wasted many precious years having an affair with him, taking work home, and helping him to rise in the company.  And in the end, when he got tired of her, she was, unceremoniously, shown the door and she never got over it.

Putting Your Emotional Health and Career at Risk
Not every office affair ends so dramatically or with such long lasting consequences.  This isn't the late 1960s with anything-goes sex at the office. Women and men have a lot more opportunities than they did before.  We also have Federal laws and corporate policies that help to protect people like Alicia who get fired after their bosses get tired of the affair.

But allowing yourself to become involved in an office affair can be disastrous for you emotionally and financially.  Even during the time when the sexual affair is going on, if you're the "other woman" or the "other man" in  your boss's life and you're hoping to transform the affair into a relationship, chances are that you'll be hurt and disappointed, especially if your boss is married.  Although there are exceptions, most people don't leave their spouses to be with the "other woman" or "other man."

As alluring as a sexual affair at the office might seem at first, it's best to steer clear of these situations.  The emotional pain and potential damage to a career isn't worth it.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, see my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my blog article:  Leading a Double Life as the "Other Woman" or "Other Man" in an Affair


photo credit: Rachid Lamzah via photopin cc

photo credit: LatinaPower2009 via photopin cc

Flirting with Disaster: Sex on the Job

The workplace can be an intimate setting where you and your colleagues are working closely together for long hours on projects of mutual interest. It's not unusual for sexual attractions to develop on the job, especially under these circumstances. But acting on those sexual attractions, even if you're both single, is like flirting with disaster.

Flirting with Disaster: Sex on the Job

What might start out as a romantic encounter or a fun and sex encounter can end up costing you your job and, possibly, your reputation in your industry.

The following vignette is a composite account, with all identifying information changed, of what could happen if you get sexually involved at work:

Ray:
Ray was a successful account manager in his mid-30s at a public relations firm. He had a reputation for being smart and creative. He was becoming increasingly visible at his company due to his success with his accounts, and his boss told him on more than one occasion that senior management had their eye on him for future promotions.

Ray was also single and attractive, and many women in the office were interested in him. In the past, he dated a couple of women at work when he first started on the job. But, when he became an account manager, he decided that office romances were too risky because when the relationship ended, there tended to be hard feelings on one or both sides and he had to continue to have contact with these women, which made it very uncomfortable.

When Sally, the new administrative assistant, began working at the firm, Ray felt an instant sexual attraction for her. She was attractive, sexy smart, and single. Ray also sensed that Sally was attracted to him. He thought about what it might be like to go out with her, but he had no intention of asking her out since they worked together.

A few months later, Ray was working on a project with a short deadline and he was working long hours to try to meet the deadline. His boss assigned Sally to assist Ray as the deadline approached so Ray and Sally found themselves working in close quarters, alone, late at night.

When they were alone, they tended to flirt with each other a little but the pressure to complete the project kept them focused on their task. There was a lot at stake.

On the final night of the project, Ray thought they were really working well as a team. Without Sally's help, Ray knew that he wouldn't have completed the project on time. He also knew that Sally was underemployed as an administrative assistant, and she hoped that she might make a good junior account assistant.

When they had put the final touches on the presentation, they both breathed a sigh of relief. It was late at night and they were both tired. Ray was about to call a limousine service to take Sally home when he looked up at her, saw her staring at him with obvious interest and, without thinking, he kissed her.

As Ray described it to me when he came to see me in my psychotherapy private practice in NYC, maybe it was the excitement of completing the project and the sexual tension that was building up between them but, before he knew it, they were having sex on the floor.

When it was over, according to Ray, he felt embarrassed and guilty for initiating the sexual encounter between them. He knew that they couldn't get involved again, and he told Sally this. She told him that she was disappointed and hoped he would change his mind.

After that, Ray found it very awkward to see Sally at work. He tried to pretend that nothing happened between them, but it was hard. He sensed that Sally was hurt and annoyed with him because he only interacted with her when he absolutely had to and he kept it professional.
A few months later, Sally was assigned to help Ray again with another project deadline. Ray tried to get another administrative assistant to help him, but no one else was available. So, once again, Ray and Sally were alone in the office. Ray tried to focus on the project document, but he was very sexually aroused by Sally and he knew that she felt the same way. Since they had already had been sexually involved, it was that much more tempting.

Ray decided to work in another office and to give Sally work to do in her area. He thought if he didn't have to look at her, he wouldn't be so distracted by the sexual attraction between them. But by the end of the night, the forbidden nature of the situation made it even more tantalizing, and Ray went back to Sally's place, against his better judgment, and they spent the night together.

Afterwards, Ray told Sally again that, even though they had fun together, he wasn't interested in dating her because it would be too complicated. Once again, Sally was annoyed and hurt. She told Ray that they could date without anyone knowing about it, but Ray wasn't interested.

Soon after that, Sally applied for a position as an account manager. Ray's boss asked Ray what he thought about Sally for the job. Ray told his boss that he thought Sally would make a good junior account manager, but he didn't think that she was ready for the more senior position. He told me that he based this solely on her skills and experience, and it had nothing to do with his sexual encounters with her.

But that's not how Sally saw it. When she heard that Ray didn't think she was qualified for the job, she assumed that he was saying this because he was uncomfortable with her due to their sexual encounters. And she went straight to the EEO (Equal Employment Opportunity Office) officer and filed a sexual harassment complaint against Ray.

There was an investigation, which was very humiliating for Ray. He admitted that he had sex with Sally on two occasions, but he denied that this had anything to do with his opinion that she was not ready for the job. Soon after that, Ray's boss reprimanded Ray for getting sexually involved with a someone at work. He told Ray that, as a manager, he should have known better. He was mandated to attend an EEO training on sexual harassment. He was also told, informally, that, even though he was not being terminated, his future with the company was dim and encouraged to resign as soon as possible.

Due to the recession, it took Ray more than a year to find a comparable job and, in the meantime, he had exhausted his savings.

By the time Ray came to see me, he was doing well on his new job, but he was emotionally traumatized by what he allowed to happen at his former job, which is why he came to therapy.

Ray was lucky that Sally didn't go outside the firm to sue for damages, and he realized this. He had a lot to consider in therapy when he thought about his impulsive behavior on his former job.

Getting sexually involved at work can turn out to be a personal and career disaster. This is not to say that many people don't meet at work and eventually get married without a problem, but for many other people, it creates tremendous problems. Even if your company doesn't have a policy where employees are not allowed to date each other, you would be wise to carefully consider getting sexually involved with someone at work.

About Me

I am a licensed New York. City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, Somatic Experiencing therapist, and EMDR therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients with personal and career issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.