How to Cope With Feeling Left Out

At some point, everyone has had the experience of feeling left out. This can be a passing experience or it can be a chronic problem where you might be unaware of things you're doing that contribute to the problem.

Feeling Left Out 

How to Cope With Feeling Left Out

• Accept Your Emotions: It's normal to feel upset when you feel left out. If you find out that a friend invited other mutual friends out for dinner and you weren't invited, you can feel hurt and excluded. Before you react, take time to accept how you're feeling and that you might not have all the information. For instance, there might have been an unintentional break down in communication or a missed call or text.

• Take a Deep Breath: Take a moment to breathe before you respond without having all the facts.

• Do Some Grounding Exercises: Grounding means getting centered and calm. Using certain mind-body grounding techniques can help to calm your mind and your body (see my article: Using Grounding Techniques).

• Write About It: Journaling can help you to understand what you're feeling and whether what happened might be triggering old feelings from the past, which would add intensity to what you're experiencing in the current situation.

• Talk to Someone Who is Impartial and Outside the Situation: Talking it out with someone you trust can help you to see other possibilities.  You could gain perspective from talking to someone who is objective.

• Avoid Jumping to Conclusions: Before you react, avoid jumping to conclusions. You might have been left out of a group text or email by mistake. So, it's always a good idea not to react before you have all the facts (see my article: How to Stop Jumping to Conclusions and Personalizing Other People's Behavior).

How to Be More Approachable in Social Situations

Sometimes when people feel left out in social situations, they don't realize they're doing things that make them seem unapproachable.  

Feeling Left Out

It can be challenging to look at yourself and think about how you might be affecting the situation where you feel left out.

If you're uncomfortable in social situations, you might be coming across as aloof, bored or uninterested in what's going on around you.  People might also misinterpret your discomfort as annoyance.

The following tips can help:

• Be Aware of Your Body Language: People pick up on social cues by observing body language much more than words.  So, for instance, if you're feeling uncomfortable and you're standing with your arms crossed, you look closed off and, possibly, unapproachable.  

• Develop a More Open Posture:  Standing or sitting without arms or legs crossed with an open posture makes you look more open and approachable.

• Make Eye Contact: When you do get a chance to talk to someone, make good eye contact, but don't lock eyes with someone you're just getting to know. A good rule is to make eye contact about 60% of the time.

• Smile: Although it might be difficult to smile when you're uncomfortable, try to think about something that makes you happy and confident. 

• Avoid Distractions: Your cellphone is a distraction in a social situation. If you're on your phone, people won't want to interrupt you because you don't look open to communicating with them.

• Avoid Blocks Between You and Others: If you're in a social situation, avoid placing blocks between you and others. For instance, if you're sitting on a couch at a party, don't hold a couch pillow against yourself.  This blocks you off from others and signals you're not accessible.

• Avoid Nervous Habits: Fidgeting and other nervous habits might be interpreted as not being open to talking with others. This includes nervously scrolling on your phone, playing with your hair, and other nervous habits that people engage in when they're uncomfortable.

• Stay Attuned to Others: When you're having a conversation with someone, pay attention to what they're saying.  Aside from making eye contact, nod to show you're listening and interested.

When to Get Help in Therapy

Many people who feel left out because they have social anxiety.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, approximately 12.1% of people suffer with social anxiety, so you're not alone.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you get to the underlying reasons for your anxiety, help you to build confidence in yourself and learn skills to manage social situations that make you uncomfortable.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many clients to overcome anxiety.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Lying to Yourself and Others About Who You Are?

In an earlier article, When Trust Breaks Down: Lies of Omission, I discussed a particular type of lying that can ruin a relationship, lies of omission, because it creates mistrust.  In this article, I'm focused on how lying can become a way of life where you're lying to yourself as well as to others, and along the way, you become more and more alienated from your authentic self.

Are You Lying to Yourself and Others About Who You Are?

Most people will admit that they lie now and then. Most people say that they tell lies to keep from hurting other people's feelings.  This isn't the type of lying that I'm focusing on here.

The lying that I'm referring to often starts out of a deep-seated fear that you're not "good enough" compared to other people.

I'm not referring to what con men or sociopaths do for criminal activity.

What I'm focusing on is much more common.

It might start out by exaggerating certain things about yourself, like what you do for a living, how much money you make or other exaggerations about other aspects.

It can be a slippery slope from exaggerating to telling out right lies, especially if you get the attention and admiration that you might be seeking.

Are You Lying to Yourself and Others About Who You Are?

In my opinion, there is more pressure today than in the past to be seen as "successful" and as a "winner" and, as a result, more common to present a false self.  As compared with 20 years ago, "success" seems to be viewed in narrow terms, mostly to do with financial success.

With the advent of social media sites, like Facebook, where friends are posting happy pictures of their relationships, their vacations, the purchases and even the food they eat, it's easy to feel envious and compare yourself unfavorably to others and feel you're not good enough (see my articles: How to Stop Comparing Yourself Unfavorably to Others and Is Your Envy of Others Ruining Your Relationships?)

Comparing yourself unfavorably to others, whether it's on social media or in person, can leave you feeling like an "outsider"--like everyone else knows how to be "cool" and you don't (see my article:  Feeling Like an Outsider in an Insider's World), which can be deeply painful.  For many people, this feeling has it's origins in childhood when they weren't part of the popular crowd or they weren't picked to be on certain teams.

Are You Lying to Yourself and Others About Who You Are?

While it's true that not everyone is susceptible to this pressure to "be a success," there are many people, who already feel insecure about themselves without this external pressure and who would rather lie to themselves as well as others (about who they are and what they have) than to be seen as unsuccessful.

Unfortunately, feeding into this problem is the popular notion, which is marketed in some motivational speakers in so-called self improvement seminars, that promote a "fake it till you make it" or "if you think you're a success, you are a success" type of mentality.

So-Call Self Improvement Seminars: "Fake It Till You Make It"

It's feel-good strategy that begins to create the lie for many people who feel there's something missing in them and they want a quick fix to eliminate their sense of inadequacy.

The problem is that there's a difference between a getting pumped up emotionally in a weekend self improvement seminar and doing the inner psychological required to make genuine changes within yourself.

The weekend self improvement strategy is appealing to many people because it promises quick change.  Unfortunately, it often leads to a receding of the genuine self into the background.

For some people the feeling that you're not being authentic can be so offensive and disappointing that it's enough to destroy the relationship.  This can leave you with only superficial friendships with people who are also lying and pretending to be someone that they're not.

How to Stop Lying to Yourself and Others About Who You Are
If you've been lying to yourself and others about who you are, it's not easy to change.

There is no one-size-fits-all answer to how you can stop lying to yourself and others about who you are.  Since everyone and every situation is different, it will depend on the circumstances.

How to Stop Lying to Yourself and Others About Who You Are

At the very least, you must be willing to overcome your fear that people won't like you just the way you are.  This begins by learning to like yourself.

In a prior article, Learning to Feel Comfortable With Yourself, I discuss various strategies that might be helpful to begin the journey of reconnecting with your authentic self.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you've been caught up in lying to yourself and others for a while, trying to find your way back to being your authentic self can feel very challenging, and you might not know where to begin to reconnect with your inner world.

Getting in Help in Therapy

A licensed mental health professional can help you to understand the underlying issues that created the problem, overcome the fear that you're not good enough as you are, as well as help you to reconnect with your true self.

As you become more comfortable with who you really are, you'll be attracted to people who have more depth to their character than just judging people by their financial success or outward appearance.

Living in a more authentic way can be freeing and create an a positive ripple effect (see my article:  The Positive Ripple Effect).

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome feelings of inadequacy so that they can live more authentic lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Making Changes: The Need For Emotional Connection and a Sense of Belonging

I'm continuing my earlier discussion about the psychological aspects of Elena Ferrante's Neapolitan trilogy, which I started with Part 1 and Part 2 of this topic.  I will continue to focus on Ms Ferrante's first two books in her trilogy, My Brilliant Friend and The Story of a New Name.   In  this article, I'll discuss the topic, developing a sense of belonging.

Developing a Sense of Belonging

Making Changes
As I did in my two prior articles, I'm using the character, Elena Greco, from Ms. Ferrante's novels to illustrate how change, which includes developing your sense of self as a separate person from family and friends, can be challenging and how this challenge can be overcome.

As I mentioned in my prior articles, Elena Greco, through her determination and hard work and with the help of a teacher, was able to transcend her circumstances in a poor town on the outskirts of Naples to fulfill her dream of becoming educated with a much brighter future than she ever could have had if she followed in the footsteps of her parents.

At the same time, as anyone who has made similar changes knows, it's hard to let go of a way of life that has been part of your family for many generations.  It's even harder to feel that, with your education and broader horizons, your family and old friends might see you as being "different" now--even if they still love you and want you to succeed.

Many clients, who come to see me in my psychotherapy private practice, who are first-generation American, express how torn they feel emotionally between following their parents'  customs and rituals that have been part of the family for generations and adopting the customs of their new country.  

Some people, who have struggled with this emotional dilemma, learn, over time, to strike a balance between familial customs and new customs.

Others, who find it too difficult, might take an all-or-nothing attitude by either leaving behind all the traditional customs in order to blend in and feel that they belong in their new country, or by resisting all new customs.

Most of the time, it's almost impossible for people not to feel the pull of the traditional culture as well as the new culture.

The character, Elena Greco, who remained in her country, but who might as well have gone to a different country because of the changes involved in moving from a poor town near Naples and going to college in Pisa, is acutely aware of her family's and friends' mixed reactions to her.  She's also aware that she doesn't feel like she belongs in her new surroundings.

A Sense of Belonging is a Basic Human Need
A sense of belonging is a basic human need.

Developing a Sense of Belonging:  A Sense of Belonging is a Basic Human Need

From the time that we're born, we're hardwired for attachment to our primary caregivers and without them, we can't survive.

Similarly, from the days of cave men and cave women and beyond, survival depended upon belonging to a tribe.  No one could go it alone and survive.  During those times, being banished from the tribe meant death.

Although most of us don't live in small tribes anymore, we still have a basic need to belong, whether it's a need to be part of a family, a group or a community with shared values.

Getting back to Ms. Ferrante's character, Elena Greco:  Her story illustrates how painful it can be to make the transition and straddle between two different cultures.  Her story is also emblematic of the experiences of anyone who has made this kind of change.

At first, she was ashamed because she felt inferior to the classmates she met in Pisa.  She was mostly aware of how different she was from them, and she felt she didn't belong there.

Similarly, initially, many people who go through this transition are painfully aware of how different they are from the new group that they are entering into, whether, as in Elena's case, it's a difference of socioeconomic status, language, dress or other customs.  

Whether you're a college student in a new city or someone who has moved to another part of the country or the world, initially, you might feel uncomfortable because you feel like you don't belong.

But many people in this situation discover that they have much more common with people from the new group than they initially realized.  So, while you might be very aware of how you and others are different, it's just as important to realize that you probably have a lot in common too.

Developing a Sense of Belonging:

• Look for and Accept Opportunities For Connection:  Before you get to know people, you might make certain negative assumptions about them.  But you might be pleasantly surprised to discover that your assumptions aren't correct when you take the time to get to know people.  If there are opportunities to connect, accept them, keep an open mind, and get to know others.

• Get to Know People as Individuals:  It's not unusual, at first, to see people who are part of another group as being all the same.  But, in reality, we are all individuals, so it's important, to get to know each person as an individual rather than making assumptions about them because they're part of a particular group.

• Discover Common Values:  Common values can create bonds.  While you might not share the same exact values, looking for some common values can be a start towards developing a sense of belonging.  So, for instance, even though you might be from a different religion, you and the new people that you're meeting might share a wish for there to be peace regardless of religion. This can be a powerful bond.  Or, for instance, you might discover that others have had similar losses and a similar understanding of what it means to cope with loss and emotional pain.  This can also serve as a powerful bond.

• Strive to Be Non-judgmental:  Acceptance is different from agreement.  You might not agree with everything about the new group but, in most instances, you can learn to be nonjudgmental.  This doesn't mean that you take on values that you might not believe in or that you're not discerning about what's best for you.  It does, however, mean that you don't automatically judge someone as unacceptable because you and s/he might have different views.  

Getting Help in Therapy

Sometimes, unfamiliar people and places can be overwhelming, even when you've tried to get to know them and discover commonalities.  You might feel lonely or depressed because you feel like an outsider.

Developing a Sense of Belonging:  Getting Help in Therapy

You're not alone.  Many people before you have struggled with the same problem and have learned to overcome it.

Rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional who has experience working with people in this type of situation.

Getting Help in Therapy to Develop a Sense of Belonging

Getting help in therapy can make all the difference between feeling like an outside and developing a sense of belonging.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Making Changes: What to Keep and What to Let Go of in Your Life - Part 2

In the first part of this discussion, Making Changes: What to Keep and What to Let Go of in Your Life,  I began a discussion about Elena Ferrante's Neapolitan trilogy and the various themes in her books about change, courage, self identity, loss, friendship, family, trauma and triumph over adversity.

Making Changes:  What to Keep and What to Let Go of in Your Life

In this article, I'm expanding on this topic by discussing the challenges involved with making changes, even when these changes are positive, by continuing to use Ms. Ferrante's stories to illustrate my points.

In Ms. Ferrante's books, starting with My Brilliant Friend, the protagonist, Elena, has an opportunity to continue her education beyond elementary school to high school and even to college.  Coming from a poor community on the outskirts of Naples, Italy in the 1950s where most people are just struggling to survive, this is highly unusual, especially for a girl.

Although there is no doubt that this opportunity is a change for the better, higher education, especially for girls, isn't valued by Elena's parents or most of the people in her small town.

From a practical point of view, her parents are just scraping by, so the cost of a higher education is a luxury that they can't afford, especially in a society that sees women as eventually getting married, having children, and being subservient to her husband.

Determination to Change in the Face of Adversity
How does someone like Elena, who in her wildest dreams, never even imagined that she could attend high school--let alone college, deal with the internal and external conflicts that arise in this situation?

Once the financial obstacles are removed, Elena is determined to succeed even though there are still many practical and psychological obstacles.  She stays focused on what she wants--even though there is still a lot of uncertainty and she knows it will be difficult.

Step by step, she perseveres.  She studies hard.  In situations where she has no experience and she feels socially inadequate, she is a keen observer of others and learns by example.  She also struggles with her internal demons that tell her she's "not good enough."

Feelings of inadequacy and doubt weigh on her throughout much of the story, but her determination, intelligence and ability to adapt help her to keep going.

Making Changes and, as a Result, Feeling Like an Outsider
Elena also struggles with feeling like an outsider among her peers in college, many of whom had opportunities and social experiences throughout their lives that she never had.

Although she earned her right to attend college, she must still confront class and social prejudice among students who are much more privileged than she is.  But she learns to win over these students with her good nature and patience.

Nevertheless, throughout it all, she's aware of not only what she has gained, but also what she has lost while she is in college. This includes the security of the world she has known her all of her life. It also includes the certainty of the role she would have taken as a woman in the 1950s in a small provincial town.

Although, given her dreams, she might not have been suited for this limited role, it seems pretty certain what it would have been:  wife, mother, daughter, sister, someone whose needs would have been subordinated to others' needs.

Even though this limited role might have been unappealing, the certainty of it and her place in her community would have been assured, especially as compared to the uncertainty as she forges a new path, which is unchartered territory for women in that place and time.

Going against the tide in her community, she must also contend with feeling somewhat like an outsider at home because she's now a college student, an intellectual (in a poor community where intellect is often devalued compared to having more concrete skills), and someone who has learned to speak Italian in an eloquent way, as opposed to speaking in the dialect of her community.

So, initially, she feels like an outsider in both worlds.

She has many doubts:  Which world does she belong to once she leaves her home town and goes to college in Milan?  She no longer completely fits in, as she did before, in her home town.  She is also aware that her family and old friends sense this and they are also confused and disturbed by it.  They're ambivalent.  Some people from her home town who admire her also mock her at the same time.  She's different now and, for many of them, her advances highlight their shortcomings.

Anyone who has ever made a major change where it involves going against tradition knows what this feels like.  Certainly, it can feel very lonely, and it takes a lot of courage to persevere (see my article:  Feeling Like an Outsider in an Insider's World).  Even then, it might feel like something old and familiar is irrevocably lost.

This is especially true for Elena because during that time there was no clear path for women to excel in the region where she lived, even women with a college degree.  Times were changing in Italy, but the changes were just beginning to occur in the larger metropolitan cities.

Major Life Transitions and Changes in a Sense of Self
Feeling like an outsider also brings up a related issue, which is how this affects one's sense of self.

As Elena is transitioning from her sense of self from her early days in Naples to her new sense of self as a college educated woman, the change feels daunting.

Even after she receives recognition and praise by her professors and peers, she is constantly afraid of saying or doing "the wrong thing."  She fears that she will be "found out," shown to be an imposture and a fraud to her new acquaintances as well as to herself.

This is a common experience among people who are making big changes during that transitional phase.  For Elena and others in similar situations, they no longer feel completely comfortable in their old world, but they're also not completely comfortable in their new world.

During that initial phase of the change, their sense of self hasn't been integrated and consolidated yet.  This often comes gradually over time.  And the inner critical voice, which says, "Just who do you think you are!?!" can be even more disturbing than the external critical voices.

Integrating Change With the Many Aspects of Self
When you're making major changes, it takes time to integrate these changes to develop a new sense of self.

Over time, your perception of yourself will include the former aspects of yourself before the change as well as the newer aspects.  This is somewhat of an oversimplification, but is generally true.

Often, it's only with the benefit of hindsight and self reflection that you realize how you've changed.

For Elena, this psychological process means that, along with the new aspects of herself that are developing, she also maintains the older aspects of self, her integrity, courage, empathy, and love for the people who are significant in her life--even if they don't feel they really understand her now that she's taken a step away from them by going to college with all the changes that this brings.

Moving Away Psychologically as Part of Changing
Moving away as part of changing doesn't only involve a geographic move.  Often, a psychological move is involved that can be much more subtle than physically moving away.

In Elena's case, her move away from what's familiar starts on a psychological basis as she allows herself to see the possibilities beyond the boundaries of her home town.  This might not sound so extraordinary these days to people living in the modern Western world.  But during the 1950s in her community, where Elena's story begins, the ability to see beyond her current circumstance is amazing at the same time that it's profoundly scary.

The initial phase of this psychological process, taking the psychic space that she needs to become the person that she eventually becomes, is necessary before she can make the geographic move.  Even with all of her initial doubts, she takes a psychological leap of faith that she could have a better life by going to college, even though the road ahead isn't clear.

I think the protagonist's psychological struggles and triumph over adversity is one of the many reasons why Elena Ferrante's novels are so inspiring.

In a future article, I'll continue to expand upon these themes.

Getting Help in Therapy
Change can be challenging.  Rather going through a major life transition alone, you could work with a licensed mental health professional in a supportive therapeutic environment who can help you to feel empowered as you accomplish your goals.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

See my article:  Making Changes: Developing a Sense of Belonging.