Overcoming Obstacles to Making Changes in Your Life

In prior articles, I've discussed the challenges of making changes in your life--even changes that you really want. 

See my articles: 

Fear of Change

Standing at the Crossroad: Fear of Making Major Life Decisions

Overcoming Resistance to Change  

Making Changes: One Step at a Time, Preparing Emotionally For Major Changes in Your Life

Developing the Courage to Change

In this article, I'm focusing on overcoming emotional obstacles that get in the way of making the changes that you want.

Overcoming Obstacles to Making Changes in Your Life

Change is inevitable in life--both wanted and unwanted change.  While it may be logical to you why you resist making changes that you don't want, it might not be so obvious why you're struggling to make changes that you do want.

Let's take a look at some of the most common obstacles to making changes:

Obstacles to Making Changes in Your Life

• Unresolved Emotional Issues:  Unresolved emotional issues from childhood often get in the way of making changes.  If you have a longstanding belief that you're undeserving or incapable of having good things in your life, you're going to be in conflict with yourself about making changes that you want.  Similarly, if you feel powerless because of unresolved trauma, you will probably struggle to take the initiative to bring about change (see my articles: Understanding Why You're Affected By Trauma From a Long Time Ago and Overcoming Trauma: When the Past is in the Present,  ).

• Negative Habits:  Unresolved emotional issues often develop into negative habits like: negative self talk, procrastination, disorganization and other similar habits.  These negative habits become so ingrained that it's often difficult for you to see them.  Even when you see them and want to change them, it can very challenging.  For example, if you grew up feeling that you don't deserve positive things in your life, one of your habits might be an internal critic that continues to reinforce these thoughts and feelings.  After a while, these thoughts and emotions can become beliefs that are hard to challenge (see my article:  Overcoming Habitual Negative Thinking and Making Changes: Overcoming the Inner Voice of Negative Prediction).

• Negative People in Your Life:  Whether they're family members or friends, negative people in your life who reinforce your unresolved emotional issues and negative habits make it harder for you to change.  When you have negative people around you reinforcing the negative beliefs that you have about yourself, you're struggling with both internal and external challenges (see my article: Your Family Might Not Be Supportive of the Changes You're Making in Your Life and Letting Go of an Unhealthy Friendship).

So, if these are the main obstacles to making changes, how do you overcome these obstacles?  Let's take a look:

Overcoming Obstacles to Making Changes in Your Life

• Step Back From Your Unresolved Problems and Become Aware of Their Effect on You:  If you've grown up with certain negative beliefs about yourself, you might not even question whether they're true or not.  That's why it's so important to step back so you can become aware of how unresolved problems, especially longstanding problems, are affecting you.  Awareness and acknowledgement are the first steps.  This isn't about blaming your parents or yourself--it's about trying to be more objective.  And, once you've become aware of your problems and acknowledge them, consider whether there are things you can do now to try to resolve them (see my articles: Getting to Know the Only Person You Can Change: Yourself and Looking at Your Childhood Trauma From an Adult Perspective).

• Be Honest With Yourself About Negative Habits:  Once you've gained some insight into your problems, be honest with yourself about the negative habits that you've developed due to your unresolved problems.  For instance, do you tend to procrastinate when you're fearful of undertaking a certain task or goal?  Does the negative voice inside your head convince you that it's not worth making the effort because you're only going to fail, so why even try?  Once again, this isn't about blame--its about acknowledging what is and trying to find a way to change it.  Maybe you can choose one negative habit that you would like to change and work on that rather than trying to change all your negative habits at once (see my articles: Overcoming Procrastination, Overcoming the "I'm Too Old To Change" Mindset and Changing Coping Strategies That No Longer Work For You: Passive Behavior).

• Re-evaluate the Negative People in Your Life:  When you think about who you let into your inner circle, do you have a lot of people who are reinforcing your already negative views about yourself?  In some ways, maybe you feel comfortable with these negative people because they reinforce your already negative views and also reinforce your propensity not to take risks.  But making changes often involves taking certain risks, so be honest with yourself as to how these people are affecting you.  This doesn't mean that you have to get rid of these people from your life (although you might decide to do that).  It could also mean that maybe they're not in the inner circle, and you include supportive people in your inner circle instead.

But you might take these steps and still feel like you're stuck in a rut (see my articles: Getting Out of a Rut - Part 1 and Getting Out of a Rut - Part 2: Taking Steps).  Then what?

It's possible that you might have unconscious thoughts and feelings that are getting in your way.  Since these thoughts and feelings are unconscious, it's hard to detect them on your own.  You might get glimpses of them in your dreams or even in your daydreams, but most of the time they will elude you (see my article: What Unconscious Decisions Have You Made That Are Impacting Your Life?).

Getting Help in Therapy
When you're trying to overcome obstacles to making changes in your life and you're unable to do it on your own, you could benefit from working with a skilled psychotherapist who has experience helping people to overcome these obstacles, especially ones that you're not aware of because they're unconscious (see my articles: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Overcoming Obstacles to Making Changes in Your Life: Getting Help in Therapy

A skilled therapist can help you to identify these obstacles and provide you with the tools to overcome them.

Rather than struggling on your own, getting help in therapy can help you to make positive changes in your life so that you can lead a happier and more meaningful life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome the obstacles that are keeping them from maximizing their potential.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Making Changes: Overcoming the "Inner Voice of Negative Prediction"

When you're trying to make positive changes in your life, whether it's to improve your diet, lose weight, become a successful nonsmoker, return to school to complete your education or whatever changes you might want to make, very often, one of the main obstacles is "the inner voice of negative prediction."

Making Changes: Overcoming the "Inner Voice of Negative Prediction"

What is the "Inner Voice of Negative Prediction"
"The inner voice of negative prediction" is that internal voice that tells you that you can't do it and says things like, "If you try to improve your diet, you're going to fail just the way you have every other time so you might as well not even try" or if you want to become a successful nonsmoker, it might say, "If you give up cigarettes, you're going to become extremely anxious, overeat and get fat, so don't do it."

I believe that the term "inner voice of negative prediction" was originally coined by Al Pesso in his psychomotor psychotherapy theory (http://www.pbsp.com ).

Often, this internal negative voice has been a part of your inner world for a long time and it becomes an obstacle in whatever positive changes you try to make. But instead of berating that inner voice, it's often better to find out what that inner voice wants. Maybe that negative or insecure part needs reassurance in much the same way that an insecure child might need reassurance.

Getting Help:  How Clinical Hypnosis Can Help
When clients come to me to try to make changes in their lives and their "inner voice of negative prediction" starts getting in the way of making those changes, I often find it helpful to address the needs of that part in hypnosis.

Hypnosis is a powerful tool for making positive changes. Through hypnosis, my clients get to sense that part of themselves that is holding them back and to soothe that part.

Overcome the "Inner Voice of Negative Prediction"

Very often, when my clients see themselves in their minds' eye in a hypnotic state taking care of that insecure part, the part calms down, just as an insecure child would, and stops making "negative predictions."

When that inner part calms down, then it's usually possible to make whatever changes you want to make in your life.

If you want to make changes in your life, you could benefit from hypnosis.

About Me:
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist and EMDR therapist. I have helped many clients to make positive changes in their lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming "All or Nothing" Thinking

When you engage in all or nothing thinking, you're limiting your possibilities and, possibly, the possibilities of those around you.  Sometimes, referred to as "black and white" thinking, when you engage in all of nothing thinking, you leave out a lot of the "grey" area.  And, let's face it, most of life falls in that "grey" zone.

Overcoming "All or Nothing" Thinking

All or nothing thinking is known as a cognitive distortion because it represents a distortion in the way you think either about yourself, someone else or a situation.

Developing Awareness About How You Think and Approach Life
In order to make any changes, first, you need to be aware of your particular pattern of thinking.

How can you recognize if you're engaging in all or nothing thinking?

Here are some examples:
"Nothing ever goes right for me."
"I'm a total loser."
"I'm always wrong."
"What's the use of even trying?  Life is always so hard."
"You never listen to me."

How Does All or Nothing Thinking Affect You?
As I mentioned earlier, engaging in all or nothing thinking limits your options to either "yes" or "no" or "always" and "never."  While there are times in life when you're clear that your response is an absolute like "yes," "no," "always," or "never," if this is your pattern most of the time, then you're dealing with a cognitive distortion in your views.

The following vignette is a fictionalized scenario where a person engages in nothing thinking:

Ed:
Ed, who was in his late 20s, had low self confidence.  It was hard for him to try anything new because he had so many self doubts.  It took a lot for him to take risks, whether they were  risks in his personal life or in his career.  He had to work hard to push aside his negative thoughts about himself in order for him to make a move.

When he met Karen at a party, he really wanted to get to know her.  He hesitated to ask her for her telephone number because he assumed that she would reject him.  He thought: "She'd never be interested in me" and "I'm such a loser."  He had to really summon his courage to ask her for her telephone number so he could ask her out on a date.  Ed was shocked when Karen smiled and gave him her number.

A couple of days later, Ed began dialing Karen's number, but he kept hanging up before the phone rang.  His fear of rejection escalated as his negative thoughts almost got the best of him: "She probably gave me the number because she felt too uncomfortable to say no, but she'll never go out with me."

Once again, Ed pushed aside his negative thoughts and redialed.  When he got Karen's voicemail, he almost hung up but, despite his fear, he left a message.

When a day passed and Karen didn't call back, Ed berated himself, telling himself, "You see?  She's not interested.  You're a loser."

Overcoming All or Nothing Thinking

Then, Karen called Ed the following day, telling him that she was having problems with her phone and she just got his message.  She also told him that she would love to go out with him, which surprised and delighted Ed.

Overcoming All or Nothing Thinking

 
He felt good for a few minutes, and then his self doubt crept in again and he felt sure that Karen wasn't going to enjoy being with him.

Overcoming All or Nothing Thinking
If you recognize yourself as engaging in all or nothing thinking, you can practice trying to reframe situations for yourself.

For instance, in the vignette above, Ed was certain that Karen didn't call back on the same day because she wasn't interested in him.  He never considered other possibilities, including that there were problems with Karen's phone.

If you see yourself as having a similar pattern, you can begin by challenging yourself in every day situations by coming up with other possibilities.

At first, you might not believe that there could be any other possibilities, except for the negative thoughts you're having.  But just practice.  If nothing else, it will help you to develop a greater awareness of how often you engage in all or nothing thinking.

In the above vignette, even if Karen didn't return Ed's phone call, there could be lots of other reasons:  Maybe she was sick.  Maybe she liked Ed, but she was too shy to call him back.  And so on.

Often, it's easier to see other people's distorted thinking.  If you happen to notice other people engaging in all or nothing thinking, you could challenge their assumptions in your own mind and come up with different options.

Getting Help in Therapy
Often, people who are depressed or anxious engage in all or nothing thinking, feeling they have few options.  

If you think you're anxious or depressed, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my article:  Making Changes: Overcoming the Voice of Negative Prediction

Overcoming Self Doubt That Keeps You Stuck

Self doubt can keep you stuck in your life for years.  You might have many hopes and dreams for yourself for what you want in your life but, if you let it, self doubt can keep you from ever making them come true.

Overcoming Self Doubt That Keeps You Stuck

There can be many reasons for self doubt, including, possibly, depressive or anxiety-related symptoms.  But often, people just can't figure out why they're so plagued with self doubt that they can't even take the first step.

Whatever the reasons, you might find that year after year goes by, you're still stuck and you're unable to overcome your self doubts.  What you desire for yourself remains only fantasies in your mind.  It can be even more frustrating to see other people that you know making progress with their goals, while you remain stuck.

Often, the hardest part is taking the first step.  If you can overcome your self doubt enough to take the first step, you could gain some confidence to take another step and then another, especially if you can keep yourself from worrying too much about the final outcome.

But the problem for many people is that, instead of focusing on the beginning, which is where they are, they try to project themselves to the end and get stuck there, before they've taken any steps.  Then, they begin worrying about how they'll ever be able to get to the end.

At that point, it becomes overwhelming and they give up before they've  even started.

Negative self thoughts or inner voice of negative prediction can keep you frozen in your tracks before you take the first step.  "Old tapes," possibly from a critical parent, might play over and over again in your mind, taunting you and predicting that you'll fail.  So, then you think:  Why bother?

These negative self thoughts, which often come in the middle of the night to keep you up, can feel so powerful--until you begin to challenge them in the light of day:  Is there any objective truth it?  Where's the proof?

Your negative self thoughts can be very persistent providing all kinds of pseudo "objective proof" where none really exists.  It's like the "Bogey man" or "ghost" you thought you saw in your room when you were a child.  When you turn the light on, there's nothing there.

These self doubts and the negative self thoughts that fuel them are often like that.  When you "turn on the light" of objective reasoning, there's nothing there of any substance.

One of the saddest things is for a person to look back at the end of her life and say, "I wish I would've..." (you fill in the blank).   Very often, she can see, with the advantage of hindsight and life experience, where she could have accomplished her dreams if she would have persisted and overcome her self doubts.  But, at that point, it's too late.

Getting Help in Therapy
If your own self doubts are keeping you from being or having what you want and you're unable to overcome these obstacles on your own, you owe it to yourself to seek the help of a licensed mental health professional.  Letting year after year go by, with your fears getting the best of you, is just wasting precious time you'll never get back.  

Overcoming Self Doubt That Keeps You Stuck:  Getting Help

A licensed mental health professional can help you to overcome the emotional obstacles so that you can lead a more satisfying life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individual adults and couples.  I've helped many people to overcome emotional obstacles so they can lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Want to Change? Start By Accepting Yourself As You Are Right Now

It might sound counterintuitive, but the best way to achieve lasting change is to accept yourself as you are right now. After all, you might say, you can't change and remain as you are at the same time. But, if you think about this for a moment, you might see that this isn't what I mean. The key words in this blog post title is "start by accepting."

Self Acceptance and Change

What Does It Mean to Accept Yourself as You Are?

But what do we mean when we talk about "accepting" who we are? Does this mean we're complacent and we're not exploring ways to improve? Does "accepting" mean we've given up or we feel hopeless? Not at all! If anything, it's just the opposite! But why?

When we accept ourselves at a certain point in time, we're acknowledging what is. We're not in denial or pretending that things are different. We're not wallowing in self hatred or calling ourselves a "failure" because we're not where we want to be. On the contrary, we're starting at the point where we're saying, "This is where I am right now. I'd like things to be different, and I'll work towards that goal. But, for now, this is where I am."

Why is It So Important to Accept Yourself as You Are?

So, you might ask why it's so important to start by accepting yourself as you are? Well, for one thing, if we want to make changes we need to acknowledge the current situation. Otherwise, how will we know what we're changing from? We need a starting point. 

Secondly, very often, when we don't start by accepting ourselves as we are, we become so negative about ourselves that we sabotage our own efforts to change. The "voice of negative prediction" starts to haunt us: "You'll never change. You've tried it before and you failed. You'll fail again because you're a failure."

Let's take a common example: As part of their New Year's resolutions, many people make a commitment to lose weight. One of the obstacles that gets in the way is that people who want to lose weight start out by being very self critical about their body image. They berate themselves for being overweight, compare themselves unfavorable to others, and then dwell on all the reasons why they're not going to succeed. This negativity and self criticism sets them up to fail because they get to the point where they say to themselves, "Why bother?"

How much different it is when a person comes from a place of self acceptance. Instead of being self critical and feeling shame and self loathing, they feel nurturing towards themselves. With this positive attitude, they're much more likely to be nurturing towards themselves, thereby increasing the likelihood that they'll stick with their healthy weight loss plan.

Self Acceptance Can Be Challenging

Getting to the point of self acceptance can be challenging. Ingrained negative ways of thinking can be hard to change. 

If you're struggling to make positive changes, but you're stuck in old negative patterns, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in helping clients overcome these obstacles.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples, and I've helped many clients overcome obstacles to living a more fulfilling life.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.