Infidelity: How to Save Your Relationship After You Have Had an Affair

In my last article, I focused on how an injured partner can cope with intrusive thoughts and emotions after finding out about a spouse's affair.  In this article, I'm discussing what the unfaithful partner can do to try to save the relationship (see my articles: Coping With Infidelity).

Infidelity: How to Save Your Relationship an Affair

Research on infidelity reveals that 20-40% of all marriages experience some form of infidelity.  In my opinion, this is a very high number and more research needs to be done to determine why so many people cheat on their partners and what, if anything, can be done in terms of prevention.

Generally, the research reveals that men tend to cheat more than women, but women also cheat.  This article assumes that either a man or a woman is capable of cheating.

After an affair has been discovered, if the relationship is to survive, the partner who cheated has certain responsibilities, especially during the initial stage of this process.

For the Partner Who Cheated:
If you're the partner who cheated, at a minimum, you need to be willing to do the following:

• Be Honest With Yourself About the Infidelity: If you have been minimizing the fact that you are or were having an affair, be honest with yourself about what's going on for you.  Was this a one-time sexual affair, an emotional affair or some combination of the two?  Or, are you someone who has multiple or serial affairs?  Although all infidelity is damaging to a relationship, there is an obvious difference between getting drunk on a business trip and going to bed with someone you met once vs. going online and seeking multiple or serial affairs.  If your behavior is compulsive, you might have a problem with sexual addiction that needs to be addressed (see my article: Infidelity: Married, Bored and Cheating Online, Sexually Compulsive Behavior as a Split Off Part of Yourself and Understanding the Healthy Needs Underlying an Addiction).

• Be Honest With Your Partner About the Infidelity: Assuming that you want to save your relationship, with time and effort, a relationship can survive infidelity if both partners are willing. What often ruins a relationship is when the partner who cheated lies about it--even when his or her partner shows evidence that the affair has been discovered.  If you want to save your relationship, rather than lying or having the truth come out piecemeal over time, answer your partner's questions honestly, thoroughly and patiently.  This isn't the time to get defensive or to become avoidant.  You owe it to your partner to be open about what happened and answer whatever questions s/he might have. If, on the other hand, you no longer want to be in your relationship, then, as difficult as it might be, you need to be honest about this and communicate this to your partner.  Sometimes, people who cheat do it unconsciously as a way to getting out of the relationship because they don't know how to tell their partner that they no longer want to be in the relationship.  Instead of communicating directly with their partner, they "act out" by having an affair.  Rather than "acting out," you need to be honest, direct (although considerate and tactful) and talk to your partner as soon as you realize you no longer want to be in the relationship.  

• Take Responsibility For the Affair: Rather than making up excuses, take full responsibility for having the affair--regardless of the state of your relationship at the time.  Making excuses, blaming your partner or being defensive will only exacerbate the problem.  

• Show Genuine Remorse: You have caused your partner a lot of pain and put your relationship at risk.  Don't expect to be forgiven the first, second, third or tenth time that you apologize for the affair.  You might need to apologize many, many times.  Also, your partner might not be ready to accept your apology for a while.  Surviving infidelity is a process and you will need to be sincere in showing your remorse and commitment to the relationship.  This can take months or years.  

• Be Attuned and Empathetic to Your Partner's Pain: If you want to save your relationship, you need to show that you're attuned to your partner's feelings and that you care.  This will probably mean that you're going to be on the receiving end of your partner's rage, hurt and sadness for however long it takes your partner to forgive you--assuming that s/he does eventually forgive you.  Be willing to take in your partner's emotions.  This is not the time to try to sweep your partner's feelings under the rug or rush him or her to "move on."  Infidelity is a serious breach and a betrayal.  Unless you can show that you're emotionally present to your partner's pain, your relationship probably won't work out. 

• Don't Dismiss Your Partner's Emotional Reaction: Related to being attuned and empathetic, don't dismiss your partner's reaction to discovering the affair.  Don't tell your partner that s/he is overreacting.  This will only reveal that you're not attuned to your partner's feelings.  Likewise, telling your partner that the "other woman" or "other man" meant nothing to you and you don't understand why your partner is so upset, will make you sound like you're being dismissive.  Even if it's true that the other person meant little or nothing to you, you have to understand that this sounds like you're making excuses and minimizing your partner's emotions. Your partner's response to this could rightfully be, "If she [he] meant nothing to you, why did you do it and risk our relationship?" If, on the other hand, your partner asks you about  your feelings towards the person you had the affair with, that's different--you can respond honestly about that.  In that case, you're responding to your partner rather than trying to minimize the affair.  Remember: Everyone is unique in terms of how s/he reacts to discovering infidelity and how long it takes (if ever) to forgive.

• Cut Off All Ties With the Person You Cheated With: If you're serious about saving your relationship, you must cut off all ties with the "other woman" or "other man."  This is non-negotiable.  No exceptions.  You can't try to salvage your relationship while you maintain a connection with the other person.  If the other person contacts you about reconnecting to resume the affair or "to be friends," you maintain your stance that there can be no contact.  You must let your partner know that the other person contacted you so that your partner doesn't discover this on his or her own.  That would make matters worse because it would look like you're trying to hide things.

• Deal With Triggers That Lead to Cheating: As part of your self reflection about your behavior, consider whether there are certain triggers that lead to your cheating.  For instance, if you know that drinking or drugging lead to cheating on your partner, get professional help for these issues.  If you continue to indulge in substances that usually precede cheating, you will leave yourself vulnerable to cheating and possibly lose your relationship.  Boredom is another possible trigger.  Another example is that if you know that going to certain places makes you vulnerable to cheating, avoid those places if you can or, if you can't, make a plan as to what you will do to avoid cheating and stick with that plan.  Ditto for certain online sites.  Don't delude yourself into thinking that you can be "strong" and deal with triggers.  You will only be kidding yourself, and there's too much at stake to put yourself and your relationship at risk (see my article: The Allure of the Extramarital Affair).

• Be Willing to Demonstrate Your Accountability to Your Partner: Whether this means that you allow your partner to have access to your phone, email or other online accounts, you need to show your partner that you're willing to be an open book.  If your partner wants you to call him or her when you're working late at the office or on a business trip, do it.  Do whatever is necessary to try to regain your partner's trust (see my article: Learning to Trust Again After an Affair).

• Work Actively to Repair and Rekindle Your Relationship: Beyond everything else that has already been mentioned above, you need to be willing to do major work on your relationship if it is going to survive.  You need to find meaningful ways to show your partner that you love him or her and that s/he is the most important person in the world to you.  If the two of you have been emotionally disconnected, find ways (once your partner is ready and willing) to reconnect emotionally.

Recognize that, ultimately, even if you're very committed to salvaging your relationship, it will be up to your partner to decide if s/he wants to remain in the relationship.  For many people, infidelity is beyond what they can forgive, and you might have to accept this as the consequence of your behavior.

Sometimes couples rush to put the pain behind them without going through the necessary emotional process of dealing with the betrayal and breach of trust.  Then, later on, they discover that just telling each other that they're "moving on" or "starting over" isn't enough.  The problem might have been swept under the rug, but it's still there.

Getting Help in Therapy

Depending upon the underlying issues that caused you to cheat, you might need individual therapy and, if and when your partner is ready, couple therapy.

Coping with the guilt and shame about an affair as well as triggering behavior can be very challenging on your own (see my article: Healing Shame in Therapy and Learning to Forgive Yourself).

Don't underestimate how easy it would be to resume an affair or start a new one, especially if you're not dealing with the root cause of your problem.  

A skilled psychotherapist, who has experience working with partners who cheat, can help you to get to the root of your problem and develop the necessary skills to remain faithful in your relationship.

Many couples, who decide they want to remain in their relationship after an affair, don't make it because they get stuck in a negative cycle and they don't know how to change it.

A skilled EFT therapist (Emotionally Focused Therapy) can help you and your partner to overcome the negative cycle so that you can rebuild trust and rekindle your relationship.

Getting help in therapy could make the difference between saving your relationship or breaking up.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Emotionally Focused (EFT) therapist for couples.

I have helped many individuals and couples to survive infidelity.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding the Healthy Needs Underlying an Addiction

In prior articles, I've addressed issues related to addiction and recovery.  See my articles:

• People Who Abuse Alcohol Often Don't Get the Help They Need
• Sexual Addiction: Is a Compulsion For Looking at Porn Ruining Your Relationship?
• Sexually Compulsive Behavior as a Split Off Part of Yourself
• Overcoming Grief Gambling
• Learn to Stop Overspending as a Way to Deal With Uncomfortable Feelings   
• Early Recovery: You've Stopped Drinking. Now What?
• Early Recovery: Overcoming Feelings of Loss and Emptiness
• Early Recovery: Focusing on the "People" Part of People, Places and Things
• Early Recovery: What If 12 Step Meetings Are Too Overwhelming For You?
• Boredom as a Relapse Trigger
• Overcoming the Temptation to Use "Liquid Courage" to Cope With Social Situations

In this article, I'm focusing on understanding the healthy needs underlying addictive behavior.

Understanding the Healthy Needs Underlying an Addiction

Why Is It Important to Understand the Healthy Needs Underlying an Addiction?

People who are involved in addictive behavior, whether it's drinking, drugging, gambling, sexual addiction, overspending or any other addiction, tend to feel shame and guilt about their behavior.  This is often exacerbated by well-intentioned loved ones who don't understand and tell them, "Why don't you just stop?" 

As a result of the guilt and shame they feel, many people who engage in addictive behavior don't get the help that they need, which often leads to an eventual downward spiral.  When they're not feeling guilty and ashamed, they might be in denial about the extent of their problem, colluding with their well-intentioned loved ones by telling themselves, "I can just stop whenever I want to."

In addition to shame and guilt often creating obstacles to getting help, these feelings frequently get in the way of any self exploration about the underlying issues related to the addictive behavior. Or, the person who is abusing substances attributes only negative reasons for the abuse, "I'm a bad person" or "I'm unworthy" or "I'm unlovable" and so on.

Understanding the healthy needs underlying the addiction enables the person engaged in addictive behavior to have more self compassion and begin to explore other ways that s/he could satisfy these needs.  Secondarily, it can also help loved ones to have more compassion for the person struggling with an addiction.

Fictional Clinical Vignette: Understanding the Healthy Needs Underlying an Addiction

The following fictional clinical vignette illustrates how understanding and separating the healthy need from the addictive behavior helps the client:

Jack

Originally, Jack started psychotherapy to deal with longstanding anxiety and feelings of low self worth (see my article: Overcoming Feelings of Inadequacy).

Jack told his psychotherapist that he couldn't remember a time, even as a child, when he didn't feel anxious.  As the oldest of four children, Jack was his mother's confidante even when he was five or six years old (see my article: Children's Roles in Dysfunctional Families).

His mother tended to be anxious mostly about the family's financial well-being.  She worried that Jack's father's gambling problem would be the financial ruin of the family, and she tended to lean on Jack for emotional support, which was developmentally beyond what he could do.  All of this was emotionally overwhelming for him.

Jack attributed much of his longstanding anxiety to worrying about his parents and siblings and feeling inadequate for being unable to be the kind of emotional support that is mother needed.

In hindsight, as an adult, Jack understood that a young child wouldn't be able to take on such an emotional burden.  But this was an intellectual understanding.  On an emotional level, he continued to feel that he should have, somehow, risen to meet his mother's needs.  So, there was a split between what he knew intellectually and what he felt emotionally, which he acknowledged.

Jack had been in therapy before and he achieved insight into his problems, but it didn't change how he felt, and it didn't change his struggle with anxiety.

That's why when he decided to attend psychotherapy again, he chose experiential psychotherapy, as opposed to regular talk therapy, with the hope of having a different experienced in therapy and a possible resolution to his struggling with anxiety.

As a start, his experiential psychotherapist worked with Jack to help him develop better coping skills and internal resources to deal with his anxiety, which was helpful.  

Then, they talked about how to help him with his unresolved childhood trauma, which resulted in Jack's posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD).  His psychotherapist provided Jack with psychoeducation about the various therapeutic possibilities in experiential therapy, including Somatic Experiencing, EMDR therapy, and clinical hypnosis.  

This was a few months into the therapy, and it was around this time that Jack admitted to his therapist that he had been smoking marijuana for over 20 years--since he was 13 years old.

He felt so ashamed and guilty about smoking marijuana that, originally, during the initial consultation when his therapist asked Jack about addictive behavior, Jack denied it.  But now that he had more of a rapport with his therapist, he wanted to be honest with her (see my article: Why It's Important to Be Honest With Your Psychotherapist). 

He was also understandable concerned about the affect of doing trauma work on his addiction and vs. versa.  

His psychotherapist told Jack that she appreciated how difficult it was for him to admit to her that he abused marijuana and that he wasn't forthcoming about it initially.  She also told him that, in addition to understanding the harmful effects of chronic marijuana use, it was important to understand the healthy underlying needs related to Jack's addiction.

Jack told his psychotherapist that during his annual medical check up, he had recently spoken to his doctor about his marijuana use, which consisted of smoking 2-3 blunts per day several times a week, and his doctor told him that the marijuana was probably contributing to Jack's anxiety.

His doctor explained that chronic marijuana use increased the risk of anxiety and depression because it appeared to inhibit the chemical dopamine in the brain.  He also provided Jack with information about the research that substantiated these facts.  In addition, his doctor recommended that Jack stop using marijuana and tell his psychotherapist about his use.

Jack said that, until he tried to stop on his own, he always believed that he could stop smoking marijuana whenever he wanted to stop.  That's what he told himself and his wife,who wanted him to stop.  But when he attempted to stop on his own, he discovered that, although he didn't have a physical addiction to the drug, he realized that he had a psychological dependency, and he couldn't go more than a day without smoking marijuana.

Initially, Jack was focused on the negative consequences to his addiction:  He feared making himself more anxious and developing depressive symptoms; he noticed some problems with his memory,which he and his doctor attributed to long-term marijuana use; he was tired of "being in a fog"most of the time; he was concerned that his wife might get fed up with his addiction and leave him; and he was also concerned about how much money he was spending on marijuana, which he would rather spend on other things that he and his wife wanted to do--like saving for a down payment on a house.

In addition, Jack was aware that he and his therapist wouldn't be able to work on his unresolved trauma until he was sober.  His therapist explained that until he had a period of sobriety, it wouldn't be wise to start trauma therapy because when disturbing issues came up in therapy, Jack might feel an increased need to go home and smoke marijuana.

Also, even if Jack gave up smoking marijuana, his therapist explained, he might take up another form of addiction, like drinking excessively or gambling or some other form of addictive behavior (see my article: Understanding Cross Addiction: Substituting One Addiction For Another).

His psychotherapist acknowledged that these were all very important factors for Jack to consider.  In addition, she also asked Jack to consider what he got out of smoking marijuana.  Jack said he had never thought about this before. But, as they continued to explore what he got out of smoking marijuana, Jack realized that it used to help him to feel more comfortable in social situations--although, lately, it wasn't helping him as much because the chronic use made him anxious.

Jack and his psychotherapist continued to explore this healthy need underlying his drug abuse.  At first, it was difficult for Jack to separate the healthy need from the unhealthy consequences of his using the drug.  Whenever they began to explore how important it was for Jack to feel connected to his friends and what he got out of these friendships, he would revert back to shaming himself about his addiction.

It took a while before Jack could set aside his guilt and shame to separate out the healthy need from the unhealthy use.  His psychotherapist would continuously bring Jack back to separating out the healthy need--what Jack was attempting to accomplish by using marijuana.

Eventually, when he was able to put aside his guilt and shame, he began to appreciate the healthy need while, at the same time, acknowledging the unhealthy aspects of abusing the drug.

As he developed a deeper and more self compassionate understanding, he became less judgmental about his use and more open to discovering other ways to become feel more comfortable socially.  In order for Jack to get to this point, it was necessary for him to work with his therapist to reduce his shame and guilt.

Once Jack had a sustained period of abstinence and he didn't engage in any other addictive behavior, he and his psychotherapist began to work on his unresolved childhood trauma.

Conclusion
People who engage in addictive behavior are often, initially, in denial about their problem.  Once they are no longer in denial, it's not unusual for them to experience guilt and shame as they deal with the consequences of their abuse to themselves and their family members.

If they remain stuck in guilt and shame without appreciating the healthy underlying needs that contribute to the addiction, it's usually harder for them to stop the addictive behavior because they get caught in a cycle of shame and abuse.

With the help of a skilled psychotherapist, they can begin to separate out the healthy need from the abuse.  An appreciation for the healthy need helps the client to be more self compassionate with less guilt and shame.  It also usually provides an opening for healthier behavior to take care of those needs.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're struggling with unhealthy addictive behavior, you could benefit from getting help in psychotherapy (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

A psychotherapist who has experience with working with addiction and helping clients to understanding their healthy needs can help you to overcome addictive behavior (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled mental health professional.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more from me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Learning to Accept That You Can't Control Your Loved Ones

While it's understandable that you would want to spare your loved ones from experiencing pain or misfortune, if you try to control the lives of people close to you, you will need to learn what many other people have learned before you--you can't control anyone else's life. 

Psychotherapy can help you to understand why you have a need to do this, help you work through the issues involved and to eventually accept that you need to focus on yourself (see my articles: When Someone You Love Rejects Your Help and Avoiding Codependency With Your Children).

Learning to Accept That You Can't Control Your Loved Ones 

If you think you can see clearly what a loved one needs and your offer to help is rejected, it can be a very difficult thing to accept.  Your intention, of course, is to help, but if your loved one doesn't want your help, you will need to back off--no matter how noble your intentions might be (see my article: Overcoming the Need to Be Everyone's Caretaker).

This can be especially difficult with close family members when you're anxious about their well-being and how they're living their lives.  But when your loved ones tell you that they don't want your help and they're of legal age and competent enough to make their own decisions, you could ruin your relationship by continuing to push.

I see many clients in my psychotherapy private practice in New York City who feel anxious and heartbroken that family members refuse to take their advice or allow them to help.  Their family members see their offer to help as being controlling behavior.

The more they try to help, the more their loved ones push them away.  In some cases, a family member can become estranged because of the strain of this dynamic.

Fictional Clinical Vignette:  Learning to Accept That You Can't Control Your Loved Ones
The following fictional clinical vignette illustrates this dilemma and how psychotherapy can help:

After Beth found out from her older daughter, Nell, that her 21 year old son, Rich, was abusing painkillers, she spoke to her son and offered to arrange to send him to a drug rehabilitation center.  Although Rich didn't deny that he was abusing painkillers, he was annoyed that his older sister divulged this information to their mother, brushed off his mother's suggestion and told her that he knew that he could stop on his own, without help, at any time.

In Beth's family of origin, her father and older brother both abused drugs and alcohol.  This caused Beth, her mother and Beth's siblings much suffering when Beth was a child.  Her father and brother both eventually got clean and sober when Beth was in her 20s, but their addictions precipitated a divorce between the mother and father and alienation with most other family members.

Since Beth's mother was incapacitated most of the time by her depression, as the oldest child, Beth assumed responsibility for her family at an early age.  By the time she was 12, she was cooking and cleaning for her family because her mother stayed in bed all day.  And sometimes Beth went to the local bar to find either her father or brother (or sometimes both) to bring them back home (see my article: Dynamics of Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families).

At the time, Beth didn't think this was unusual. She didn't understand that she was functioning as a parentified child.  She saw herself as being "strong" and able to handle whatever came up in the family.  At a young age, she felt she could resolve any family problem (see my article: Children's Roles in Dysfunctional Families).

Beth was the one, when she was in her early 20s, who arranged, at various times, for her father and brother to attend inpatient treatment.  When her father's primary counselor at the rehabilitation center explained the concept of codependency to Beth and recommended that she attend Al-Anon meetings, Beth dismissed this.  Her feeling was that she wasn't the one with the problems, so she didn't see why she should go to Al-Anon meetings.

When Beth couldn't persuade Rich to go to inpatient treatment, she asked her father to come speak with Rich.  By this time, her father had over 20 years of sobriety and he was still active in the 12 Step community.  He spoke with Rich one-on-one and tried to persuade him to get help, but Rich was angry that his mother told his grandfather about his addiction, and he stopped talking to Beth.

Beth worried about Rich night and day.  She hardly slept.  She blamed herself for divorcing his father, who was an active alcoholic who broke contact with Beth, Nell and Rich.  She thought about all the things that she "should" have done to prevent her son from getting addicted to painkillers, and she continued to try to persuade him to get help--to no avail.

Several weeks later, Beth received a call from the police that Rich was in a car accident and he was arrested for driving while impaired.  He explained that her son was taken to the hospital where he would be medically evaluated and and evaluated for a detox.

After Beth got off the phone, she was so upset that she was shaking.  She blamed herself for not doing more for Rich.  She felt she could have prevented this accident and arrest, but she wasn't forceful or persuasive enough.

At the hospital, she found out that, aside from minor bruises, Rich wasn't seriously injured and no one else was hurt.  The doctors told her that it would take about 10 days or so to detox Rich from the painkillers.  During that time, Beth hired an attorney, who recommended to Rich that, as soon as he was able, he go to a drug rehabilitation center to deal with his addiction and to show the judge that he was serious about getting clean.

Rich completed the hospital detox and a 28 day stay at a rehabilitation center.  Since it was his first offense, the judge agreed that Rich should go to rehab and a court representative would monitor his treatment.

While he was in rehab, Beth and Nell went to visit him twice.  They met with the primary counselor, who recommended Al-Anon for them.  Both Beth and Nell scoffed at the idea.

Following inpatient treatment, Rich attended outpatient treatment and he went to 12 Step meetings with his grandfather.  Eventually, he obtained a sponsor and he began to turn his life around.

Even though Rich was doing much better, Beth continued to relive the moment she received the phone call from the police officer.  She ruminated about how her son could have been killed in that car accident and she blamed herself.  This went on for months, until finally, Beth's best friend, who listened to Beth blame herself over and over again, recommended that Beth seek help in therapy.

Normally, Beth wouldn't even consider attending psychotherapy, but she knew she needed to do something, and she didn't know what else to do.  She was a nervous wreck, and she couldn't sleep.  So she contacted a psychotherapist to begin therapy.

Learning to Accept That You Can't Control Your Loved Ones

After Beth told her psychotherapist about Rich's addiction, how she tried to help him and how guilty she felt, about the car accident and her family's history with addiction, Beth's psychotherapist explained to Beth that her traumatic family history was getting played out with her son.  She told Beth that she functioned as the family rescuer in her family of origin and she was trying to function in that same role with her adult son, but it wasn't working.

Her psychotherapy explained the concepts of codependency to Beth and helped Beth to make connections between her family history and her current situation with Rich.  She also explained to Beth that she functioned as a parentified child in her family because neither her mother or father were able to function as parents.

As Beth listened to her psychotherapist, she realized that this all made sense, but she didn't know how to stop trying to control her son.  She explained to her psychotherapist that, even though he was randomly tested at his outpatient program, all his tests were negative and he seemed to be doing well, she continued to try to monitor his behavior.  She worried whenever he went out and she was vigilant for any signs of a relapse.  This created tension between Beth and her son, and he told her that he planned to move out with sober friends as soon as he found a job.

Beth's psychotherapist recommended that Beth start focusing on herself, specifically learning to de-stress with meditation and breathing exercises that her psychotherapist taught her.  She also recommended that Beth work on her unresolved childhood trauma with EMDR therapy (see my articles: What is EMDR Therapy? and How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR and the Brain).

Beth had little confidence that her psychotherapist's recommendations would work, but she didn't know what else to do, so she practiced the meditation and breathing exercises.  She also began taking a yoga class and she developed a wind down routine to sleep better.

When Rich told Beth that he found a new full time job and he had plans to move in with sober friends, she became highly anxious.  When she saw her psychotherapist, she fretted that if Rich moved out, she wouldn't be able to monitor how he was doing and she would worry all the time.

Her psychotherapist was empathetic towards Beth.  She understood that Beth was experiencing anxiety about the current situation and her history of family trauma with two addicted family members was also getting triggered.

By the next session, Beth and her psychotherapist began processing her recent traumatic experience with her son's addiction to help Beth's mind and nervous system to get caught up with the fact that her son was actually doing well and she was the one who was still stuck at the point when she found out that her son was abusing painkillers.

Over time, EMDR therapy helped Beth to "update" her emotional experience with her son.  Before doing EMDR, Beth knew objectively that her son was sober and he was doing much better.  But on an emotional level, she was still stuck back in that moment when Nell told her that Rich was abusing painkillers and also in the moment when she got the call from the police officer.

After doing EMDR therapy, over time, Beth gradually worked through her traumatic family history.  She felt compassion for the young child that she had been when she was taking on adult responsibilities for her family.  She could look back now and realize what an impossible task that was and what a toll it took on her emotionally.

Learning to Accept That You Can't Control Your Loved Ones

After Beth worked through her history of trauma, she and her psychotherapist tackled her current worries about her son.  

Having worked through the earlier history of trauma, working on her feelings about her son was, although not easy, easier than she would have expected.  She was able to know and feel that Rich was doing better.  

She told her psychotherapist that she could now feel the uselessness of her worrying (see my article: Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR Therapy, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

She also felt and accepted on an emotional level that she couldn't control her son or anyone else--she could only control herself.  Although this made her feel sad in a way, she said she also felt relieved because she knew there was nothing for her to do now.

Beth continued to focus on herself.  She eventually went to Al-Anon meetings to get group support to help her not to backslide.

After she stopped trying to monitor Rich's behavior, Beth and Rich got closer and they were able to repair their mother-son relationship.

Conclusion
Accepting that you can't control your loved ones' life can be one of your biggest challenges, especially if you grew up being a parentified child as in the fictional vignette above.

You can offer your loved ones love and emotional support, but you can't live their lives for them or try to control what they do.

By focusing too much on your loved ones' problems, you not only risk alienating them, but you also risk neglecting yourself.

Sometimes, you have accept that your loved ones can do what's necessary to take care of themselves when they're ready.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you try to control your loved ones' behavior, you might have a long history of trying to rescue family members in your family of origin.  

If you were successful in rescuing family members, you might really  believe you can also control loved ones in their current life.  If you were unsuccessful in rescuing family members, you might feel compelled to "get it right this time" in your current situation.

Trying to control loved ones when they reject your help, as in the scenario above, is counterproductive and the situation tends to spiral down.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome codependency issues so that you can stop trying to control what you can't control and focus on taking care of yourself (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

A trauma therapist can help you to overcome trauma related to the current situation as well as unresolved trauma related to the past (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Once you accept that you can't control anyone else and learn to let go, you can feel freer and live a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Early Recovery: Overcoming Feelings of Emptiness and Loss

In previous articles about early recovery, I addressed problems with making major major adjustments to life to maintain sobriety (see my articles: Early Recovery: Focusing on the People Part of "People, Places and Things," Overcoming the Temptation to Use "Liquid Courage" to Cope With Social Situations and Early Recovery: You've Stopped Drinking. Now What?.  In this article, I'm addressing another common issue that people in early recovery experience, which is overcoming the feelings of emptiness and loss after you give up your addiction.

Early Recovery: Overcoming Feelings of Emptiness and Loss 

Many people in early recovery will say that one of the hardest things they had to do in order to get sober was give up the one thing they felt they could rely on--their addiction of choice.

For anyone who is unfamiliar with addiction and early recovery, these feelings of emptiness and loss for an addiction might seem confusing.

But as a psychotherapist in private practice in New York City, who has worked with people at all stages of addiction, I know that this sense of loss and emptiness is common and understandable.

After all, if the addiction, whether it's to alcohol, drugs, compulsive gambling, compulsive sexual behavior or any other addictive behavior, didn't serve a need, the person with the addiction wouldn't persist in it.

For many people, who are contemplating giving up an addiction, one of the most daunting aspects of attaining sobriety is the thought they won't have what feels to them as a "friend" who has served a need--whatever that need might be.

The need could be a way to relax, socialize, to temporarily forget problems, to elevate a mood, to feel empowered, and so on.  And if the addiction of choice didn't "work" in some sense, even temporarily, it would have been given up long before it became an addiction.

For someone who is unfamiliar with addiction, it would be hard to imagine just how scary and how courageous it is when someone who has an addiction gives it up.  Many people, who are not educated about addiction, think that the person with the addiction "should just stop."

But aside from the fact that there might be a physical danger to "just stopping" for many addictions where a detox is necessary, the person contemplating giving up the addiction is also taking a leap of faith that they will be able to survive physically and emotionally with the addiction.

This is why there's a high rate of relapse for people struggling to stay sober, especially if they try to do it without sober support and, eventually, working through the underlying emotional problems that led to the addiction in the first place.

What Will Take the Place of the Addiction for the Person in Early Recovery to Fill the Emotional Void?
Without the addiction, the person in early recovery will usually become aware of an emotional void and the sense of loss.

Early Recovery: Overcoming the Feelings of Emptiness and Loss

Since isolation and loneliness is often a part of addiction, many people in early recovery find support in 12 Step meetings like Alcoholics Anonymous or Gamblers Anonymous.

They discover that there are people in these self help meetings in all different stages of recovery--from early recovery to many years in recovery.

They also discover that they have much in common with the people in these self help rooms, including a continuing struggle to avoid relapse and to maintain the values and principles they learned in those rooms.

I usually recommend that people in early recovery give 12 Step meetings a chance by going to several beginners meetings to see if they find a particular meeting where they feel comfortable and where they can also find a sponsor to help them work the 12 Steps.

There is no one-size-fits-all approach to recovery, so I also understand that for some people in early recovery the 12 Step model doesn't resonate with them or they find the meetings too overwhelming after they've tried several meetings (see my article: The Early Stage of Recovery: What to Do If 12 Step Meetings Are Too Overwhelming For You?).

So, many people in early recovery prefer to go to structured treatment in either an inpatient or  outpatient substance abuse program, if they have health benefits that recovers this treatment, where they can also get group support from people with similar problems.

Other people seek out psychotherapists who have experience working with people in recovery, including early recovery.

For psychotherapy option to work well in early recovery, the psychotherapist needs not only to be familiar with addictions, she must also know how to assess the timing and what the client can tolerate in terms of working on the underlying issues.

It's essential that clients in early recovery have sufficient sober time, the coping skills and necessary internal resources to deal with the underlying emotional issues in therapy, so it's psychotherapists need to help clients to develop these internal resources before delving deeper (see my article: Developing Internal Resources and Coping Strategies).

All of these modalities--12 Step meetings, structured substance abuse programs, and psychotherapy--all have the potential to help clients to remain sober.

In addition, in many cases what's also needed is something deeper that will fill the void that's left from no longer engaging in the addiction.

Some people find meaning by discovering or rediscovering a sense of spirituality.

Spirituality doesn't necessarily mean religion, although it could (see my article: A Search For a Meaningful Life and Spirituality: Are You Contemplating Your Faith of Origin in a New Light?).

Spirituality can take on many different forms aside from formal religion.  For instance, many people feel a sense of spirituality when they volunteer to help others, including volunteering at 12 Step meetings or in schools or a local community program.  Others discover a sense of spirituality in nature and find a connection to nature a transcendent experience.

The important aspect of spirituality in whatever form it takes is that it is meaningful, fulfilling and transcendent.

I believe this applies to everyone--not just people in early recovery.  Whether you call it "spirituality" or something else, without a sense of meaning, purpose and transcendence, you're just living from day to day and it can feel empty.

Many people who don't struggling with addiction but who focus only on material things will often feel a sense of emptiness in midlife when money and possessions no longer serve elevate their moods.

Usually, midlife brings an awareness that money and material things, although necessary to a certain extent to meet basic needs and give some comfort, are never enough to fill up a sense of emptiness.

This is why many people in midlife, especially those who have more years behind them than ahead of them, recognize that they need to make changes (see my articles: Midlife Transitions: Part 1: Reassessing Your Life, Midlife Transitions - Part 2: Living the Life You Want to Live, Is That All There Is? When "Having It All" Leaves You Feeling Empty  and Redefining Happiness and Success For Yourself).

Conclusion
The early recovery stage presents certain challenges, including dealing with the sense of emptiness and loss that often occurs after giving up the addiction.

Early Recovery: Overcoming Feelings of Emptiness and Loss

Aside from the physical aspects of getting sober and maintain sobriety, people in early recovery need to find healthy and meaningful ways to fill the void.

Sober support from 12 Step meetings, substance abuse programs and psychotherapy offer various options for staying sober and, in the case of psychotherapy, working through the underlying emotional problems that led to the addiction in the first place.

Beyond these options, people in early recovery need to find a sense of meaning and purpose in their lives.  I refer to it as "spirituality," but it doesn't have to involve a formal religion or even a belief in a higher power.

Without a sense of meaning and transcendence, people in early recovery often struggle with the sense of loss and emptiness that usually follows after they become sober.

Getting Help in Therapy
Many people choose to attend psychotherapy to address underlying emotional issues at the core of their addiction (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

As previously mentioned, it's important to find a psychotherapist who has an expertise in addiction and who can work with you in a way that feels emotionally manageable for you (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients in all stages of recovery to maintain their sobriety and work through the underlying emotional problems that were at the root of their addiction.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Recovery: Understanding Cross Addiction - Substituting One Addiction For Another

Many people who are recovering from addiction don't understand the concept cross addiction, which is substituting one addiction for another (see my other articles about substance abuse:  Recovery: Maintaining a Balanced Life,  "Liquid Courage:" Overcoming the Temptation to Abuse Alcohol to Cope With Social Situations, The Myth About Having to "Hit Bottom" to Change, and Coping With Addiction: Boredom as a Relapse Trigger).

Recovery: Understanding Cross Addiction - Substituting One Addiction For Another

The reason it's so important to understand cross addiction is that people who have a history of addiction often switch from one addiction to another, especially when they're under stress.

So, for instance, if someone who has been sober from alcohol for a few years suddenly finds himself under a lot of stress at work, instead of picking up a drink, he might start to abuse prescription drugs or gamble compulsively or engage in some other form of addiction.

Recovery: Understanding Cross Addiction - Substituting One Addiction For Another

It's easy to fool yourself into thinking that you can dabble with another addiction because it's not your primary addiction.

But when you're under a lot of stress and you haven't developed adequate skills, if you have a history of addiction, you're more likely to either relapse with your primary addiction or engage in cross addiction.

Let's take a look at a fictional vignette to see how this plays out:

Fictional Vignette: Recovery: Understanding Cross Addiction: Substituting One Addiction For Another:

Connie:
Connie was sober from alcohol for two years.  During that time, she struggled to maintain her sobriety, but with the help of her psychotherapist and her sponsor, she celebrated her second year as a sober person.

Soon after she celebrated her second anniversary of sobriety, she left Alcoholics Anonymous and told her psychotherapist that she wanted a break from therapy.

A few months later, her mother fell, broke her hip and had to go to an inpatient physical rehabilitation center.  When her mother got home, she needed Connie's help because she wasn't able to take care other daily needs.

Although Connie and her mother had a conflictual relationship, Connie agreed to move in with her mother temporarily to help her.  She knew that other siblings, who also had conflicts with their mother, wouldn't be willing to do it and her mother really needed help.

The stress of taking care of her mother and working a full time job took a toll on Connie after a few weeks (see my article: Are You Experiencing Chronic Stress and Unaware of It?).

There were times when she wanted to tell her mother to fend for herself, but she knew her mother couldn't be alone, so she tolerated her mother's emotional abuse.

Connie was often tempted to have a drink, but she knew that if she had one, she wouldn't be able to stop, so she refrained from drinking.  But she started using food to soothe her stress, and she gained 20 pounds within a few months.

Recovery: Understanding Cross Addiction - Substituting One Addiction For Another

When she went to the doctor for her annual checkup, her doctor couldn't believe that Connie had put on so much weight since the last time he saw her.

Knowing that Connie had a history of alcohol abuse, her doctor asked her if she was overeating.  When Connie told him that she was "stress eating" at her mother's home, he talked to her about cross addiction and recommended that she get back into therapy.

Connie had never heard of cross addiction.  Before she saw her doctor, she thought that as long as she didn't touch alcohol, she was doing well.  But when her doctor explained cross addiction to her, it made sense to Connie, and she knew she needed to take care of herself (see my article: Self Care For Caregivers).

The next day, Connie called a family meeting with her siblings and explained to them that they needed to pitch in.  She could no longer take on the sole responsibility of being her mother's caregiver.

At first, her siblings balked, but Connie insisted that either they help her out or she would hire a home attendant for their mother.

None of Connie's siblings wanted a home attendant in their mother's home, so they agreed to work out a schedule so they could take turns taking care of their mother.  Since there were seven of them, they each took a day, and sharing the responsibility made it less stressful.

Once her siblings were involved, Connie went back to her former psychotherapist to deal with her stress eating and unresolved issues about her mother (see my article: Returning to Therapy).

She also resumed attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, and she contacted her old sponsor on a daily basis.

With emotional support and reduced stress, Connie was able to get back on track so she could eat in a healthy way again and lose the weight she gained.

She also had a new appreciation for how stress could put her at risk for cross addiction.

Conclusion
The term "cross addiction" refers to substituting one addiction for another.

The fictional vignette above highlights how important it is to recognize your particular vulnerability to cross addiction and also the importance of self care, self help meetings, and getting help in therapy.

Getting Help in Therapy
Setbacks are part of recovery and part of psychotherapy (see my article: Setbacks Are a Normal Part of Psychotherapy on the Road to Healing).

If you've had a setback in your recovery, it's important to get help before the problem progresses (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

A skilled psychotherapist, who is knowledgeable about addictions, can help you to get back on track again (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Rather than struggling on your own, contact a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in addictions so you can remain healthy.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to establish and maintain their recovery.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding the Difference Between "I Can't" and "I Won't"

Understanding the difference between "I can't" and "I won't" is often the key to successfully making lasting changes in your life.  While "I can't" means you're not capable of doing it, "I won't" implies a choice--in other words, you're not willing to do it (see my article: Fear of Making Changes, Making Changes: Are You Creating Obstacles For Yourself Without Even Realizing It? and Making Changes: Overcoming Ambivalence).

Understanding the Difference Between "I Can't" and "I Won't"

Often, when people really mean "I won't," they say, "I can't."

For instance, when someone, who he wants to give up smoking, says, "I can't," he's saying that he thinks it will be too hard for him to do it so he chooses not to do.  Although he might not see it that way, if his psychotherapist explored the meaning of "I can't," it usually comes down to choosing not to do it (see my article: Becoming a Successful Nonsmoker).

While it's understandable that change can be scary, when you say, "I can't" it tends to foreclose any discussion about the obstacles that are getting in the way.  Whereas if you say, "I won't do it because I'm afraid that I'll fail" or "I won't do it because I'm too ashamed to admit that it's a problem," that leaves an opening for an exploration of the internal obstacles getting in the way.

The Clinical Implications of "I Can't" and "I Won't" in Psychotherapy

People often come to therapy because they want to make a change in their life.  Usually, they've tried on their own to make changes, but they run into obstacles.

Even though many people begin psychotherapy because they want to make changes, once there is a possibility for change, they often experience ambivalence because there are core issues that need to be addressed that are getting in the way.

If fear and shame are involved, and they often are, an inner conflict develops between the desire to change and the desire to remain the same and not work through the necessary obstacles to be able to change.  

The other possibility, when faced with fear and shame, is that the status quo begins to look good to the client for a while ("Maybe things aren't so bad in my life after all") until the client realizes, once again, that he really needs to change.

At that point, the client's psychotherapist can help the client, if the client is willing, to face the internal obstacles to making the change.  If the client isn't willing to explore his ambivalence, he might leave therapy prematurely (see my article: When Clients Leave Therapy Prematurely).

Let's take a look at a fictional vignette which illustrates these dynamics in therapy:

Ed

After Ed's father died, he became a compulsive gambler as a way to distract himself from his grief (see my article: Overcoming Grief Gambling).

His gambling began with March Madness and quickly progressed to other sports (see my article: Compulsive Gamblers: Beware of March Madness).

At first, when basketball season ended and he began betting on baseball games, he told himself that he would stop gambling at the end of the baseball season.  Then baseball season came and went and he was gambling on football games, and he continued to bargain with himself about stopping.

When the bookmaker refused to take any more bets from Ed because Ed owed him money, Ed got panicky.

Without the highs and lows of gambling as a distraction from his grief, he felt overwhelmed with anxiety and sadness, and this was a "wake up call" for Ed.  He knew he needed help, so he contacted a therapist who specialized in addiction.

Understanding the Difference Between "I Can't" and "I Won't"

During the initial consultation, Ed told his psychotherapist that he knew he needed to stop gambling because he was in debt for thousands of dollars and he didn't want to get any further in debt.

At that point, Ed didn't make the connection between his gambling and his fear of facing his grief over his father's death.  He only knew that he couldn't go on gambling and getting more and more in debt.

When Ed and his psychotherapist talked about when the gambling started, Ed told her that he gambled a little when he was in high school, but nothing compared to his current level of gambling.

As they traced back the origin of his compulsive gambling, Ed was able to see that it began soon after his father died.  Reluctantly, he began to put the pieces together, and he understood that he used gambling as a way to distract himself from his grief.

His therapist recommended that, in addition to coming to therapy, he also attend Gamblers Anonymous groups (G.A.), but Ed didn't think this was necessary.  He told his therapist that he would "just stop."  He believed, "I can stop whenever I want to."

Understanding the Difference Between "I Can't" and "I Won't"

His therapist decided, at that point, not to challenge Ed or insist on G.A.  She told him that they could see how he did with coming to therapy and not attending G.A.

Ed managed not to gamble for the first week, but he felt overwhelmed by anxiety and sadness, so since his bookmaker refused to take his bets until Ed paid off his debt, he told himself that he would "just place one more bet" on an Internet poker site using his credit card.

After placing the first bet, Ed felt he still had his gambling compulsion "under control," so he placed another bet and another--until he was gambling online nearly every day.

Although he felt ashamed about it, he knew that if he wasn't honest with his therapist, he would be wasting his time in therapy, so he admitted that he was now gambling online nearly everyday.

His therapist explained the brain chemistry involved with gambling and other forms of addiction and why continuing to gamble would make it that much harder to stop.

His therapist recommended that they work on coping skills so that Ed could manage his urges.  She also recommended that he identify the triggers that made him want to gamble.

Ed knew that he had a problem tolerating his anxiety and sadness related to his father's death.  Until now, he didn't realize the magnitude of his gambling problem and what it would take to overcome his problem.

He agreed to practice mindfulness meditation at least once a day, but he didn't follow through with his commitment.  Instead, he gave into his urge to gamble, telling himself each time, "This will be the last time."

When he returned to see his psychotherapist, Ed acknowledged that he didn't listen to any of the mindfulness recordings that he downloaded on his phone.

He also admitted that he was still gambling, and he was beginning to feel hopeless about overcoming his gambling addiction.   He asked his therapist, "Isn't there any easier way?" (see my articles: Beyond the Band Aid Approach in Therapy).

His therapist recommended that Ed come twice a week to therapy, attend G.A. meetings and get a sponsor in G.A.  She also explained to Ed that, when he was ready, they could work on the underlying trigger, the grief that he was avoiding.

In addition, she discussed how, if he followed her recommendations, he would probably be able to build up his tolerance for his uncomfortable feelings so they would no longer feel intolerable to him (see my article:  Expanding Your Window of Tolerance in Therapy to Overcome Emotional Problems).

At that point, Ed threw up his hands and told his therapist, "I can't.  I can't do this."

When his therapist explained the difference between "I can't" and "I won't," at first, Ed continued to maintain that he couldn't do what needed to be done to overcome his gambling addiction.

But as they continued to explore whether he was really incapable of overcoming his gambling addition or he was unwilling to give it up, Ed reluctantly admitted that he was unwilling.

At that point, his therapist and Ed had a basis to discuss his unwillingness to give up gambling and unwillingness to deal with his grief.

Over time, the more Ed talked to his therapist about his emotional struggles, the more he was able to see that he was creating obstacles for himself.  So, he followed his therapist's recommendations to practice mindfulness meditation every day, he began attending G.A. meetings, and he obtained a sponsor.

After attending a G.A. meeting, Ed told his therapist that he was surprised to discover how many people were in a similar predicament specifically related to grief gambling.  When he heard other people in G.A. speak about their guilt, shame and overwhelming sadness, he understood what they were talking about.

Gradually, Ed began to talk to his therapist about his grief.  At first, he was afraid that he would be overwhelmed, but he was surprised to discover that he actually felt better after he talked about it.

Understanding the Difference Between "I Can't" and "I Won't"

As Ed dealt with his unresolved mourning in therapy, he felt no desire to gamble.  He paid off his debts and even began to save money.

Over time, Ed was also able to see that he used the idea of "I can't" as a way to avoid dealing with his uncomfortable feelings.  Now he could see the difference between "I can't" and "I won't" and it was an important lesson in other areas of his life.

Conclusion
Even when people really want to change and they come to therapy to get help with making a change, ambivalence often sets in as the process begins (see my article: Starting Psychotherapy: It's Not Unusual to Feel Anxious or Ambivalent).

At that point, they're likely to say, "I can't" when they really mean "I won't."

Although making a change can be scary, it's a conscious choice and, by the same token, so is not making a change.

Fear and shame are usually the underlying obstacles as to why people are unwilling to take the necessary steps to change.

This is especially common for people who grew up in a family where they didn't have the emotional support they needed when faced with difficulties as a child.

On an unconscious level, they fear that they will be as overwhelmed by emotion as they were as children, but this is rarely the case.  For one thing, as an adult, there is a greater capacity to tolerate emotions (as compared to when they were children).  And, for another thing, as an adult, they have the wherewithal to ask for help.

Making a change that's challenging is often a gradual process:  One step forward and two steps back.     Along the way, there are usually setbacks before you succeed (see my article: Setbacks Are a Normal Part of Psychotherapy on the Road to Healing).

Getting  Help in Therapy
It takes courage to make a major change (see my article: Developing the Courage to Change).

There are some changes that feel so daunting that you might need help from a licensed mental health professional (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

If you've been struggling on your own to make a change in your life, you could benefit from seeing a licensed psychotherapist who has experience helping people to overcome obstacles to change (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist)

Everyone needs help at some point in his or her life, and getting help from a skilled psychotherapist could make all the difference between making a successful change or not.

The choice is yours.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome the obstacles that were getting in the way of making a major change in their life.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.