A Search For Comfort and Safety With Alcohol or Drugs

Many people who drink alcohol excessively or abuse drugs are actually seeking comfort and safety, but they might not even realize it.

A Search For Comfort and Safety With Alcohol and Drugs

A Non-Pathologizing Perspective
As a psychotherapist in New York City, I've worked with many clients who are struggling to overcome substance abuse problems.  Many of them say that the alcohol or the drug is like a friend they don't want to give up, which is understandable.

If alcohol and drugs didn't provide a certain extent of comfort or feeling of safety, people wouldn't abuse these substances.  For many people, it's might be the only comfort and sense of safety they have ever experienced.

So, asking people, who experience this comfort to give it up can feel like a very daunting process to them, especially if they haven't ever experienced comfort with another person.

A Search For Comfort and Safety With Alcohol or Drugs

From this perspective, these substances can feel like a reliable source of comfort.  Not only does it provide temporary relief, but it is usually available, especially if the substance is alcohol.  It's legal.  It can be consumed alone or with other people.  And it usually accomplishes the goal of bringing temporary relief.

Of course, the problem is that, over time, substances create other problems, including serious health problems, impaired cognitive functioning, family problems, and work-related problems, just to name a few.

Over time, it can also result in death, so that even though there is a temporary relief, there can be serious long term damage.

People often seek help when one or more of these problems develop.  By then, it can seem like a very frightening prospect to give up what works temporarily--even when people know that will ultimately do serous damage.

At that point, some people will bargain with themselves and their loved ones:  They tell themselves and their loved ones that they can control their use or that they can stop at any time.  But, often, they're the only ones who actually believe this. And if they try to stop on their own, they might discover that they can't.

It can be a long, arduous process to give up abusing substances, and many people pay the ultimate price of ruining their health beyond repair before they accept that they can't control it.

But if people, who abuse substances and their loved ones have this non-pathologizing perspective that    the substance brings a sense of comfort, it can create more self understanding and empathy for oneself as well as for others.

Learning Healthy Ways to Seek Safety and Comfort 
One of the goals of therapy or substance abuse treatment is that people who are abusing substances learn how to seek comfort and safety in other ways.

This might mean that, instead of abusing substances, they learn to self soothe by:

• learning to meditate
• learning new breathing techniques to calm themselves
• learning new grounding techniques
• developing resilience
• developing new coping skills
• learning to make better choices
• learning to choose healthier relationships
• developing a stable and manageable life step by step

Even being able to consider learning new ways involves a certain amount of trust in a psychotherapist or a substance abuse counselor, which can be challenging for someone who has never had a trustworthy relationship.

Some people will persist in abusing substances because they don't want to give up what brings temporary relief.

Building that rapport and trusting relationship can take time.  In the meantime, before people can trust enough to allow a relationship to develop, they might need to ask themselves if they are willing to try it because being willing is often half the battle.

But once people trust enough to try other ways of seeking safety and comfort, they usually discover that this is a skill the they can continue to develop and that it works.

Getting Help in Therapy
Asking for help often induces shame in people.

Most people like to think that they can control their lives and that they don't need help.  But when it becomes obvious that your life is falling apart, it takes a lot courage to ask for help.

Often, people come into therapy externally motivated because either a spouse or a boss has given them an ultimatum:  Either get help or leave.

But people who are open to the process of recovering from substance abuse often discover their own internal motivation, especially if they develop a rapport with their therapist.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're struggling with substance abuse or you're watching someone you love abuse substances, you're not alone.

Even if you can't afford therapy or you don't have access to treatment, there are 12 Step meetings in most cities and online.

Life is short.  Getting help sooner rather than later can make all the difference in how you live the rest of your life and the quality of your relationships.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Psychotherapist's Role in Holding Open the Possibility for the Client's Transformation

Aside from creating a holding environment where the client feels safe and comfortable with the therapist and the therapeutic process, an experiential therapist also holds open the possibility for the client's transformation.

Transformation

What Does It Mean For the Therapist to Hold Open the Possibility for the Client's Transformation?
Many clients come to therapy feeling doubtful and pessimistic about making positive changes.  There is obviously a part of them that hopes they can change, but there is often a bigger part of them that fears they won't change and they'll be exactly where they started before they began therapy.

A skilled experiential therapist creates a space first in her own mind and then intersubjectively between the client and the therapist for the possibility of positive change--and not just any change but a transformation that makes a significant difference for the client (see my article: Psychotherapy: An Intersubjective Experience Between the Client and the Psychotherapist and A Psychotherapist's Beliefs About Psychotherapy Affects How the Therapist Works With You).

The therapist can often see possibilities even when the client cannot.  This isn't a Pollyanna notion or something that is "woo-woo."  This is based on the therapist assessing the client's personal strengths and history as well the signs of resilience in the client (see my article: Discovering Your Personal Strengths in Psychotherapy, How Experiential Psychotherapy Can Help You to Develop Your Personal Strengths and A Strengths-Based Perspective in Psychotherapy).

Fictional Clinical Vignette: The Psychotherapist's Role in Holding Open the Possibility For the Client's Transformation
The following fictional vignette, which is based on many different cases with no identifying information, illustrates this particular aspect of the psychotherapist's role:

Sam
After he relapsed on alcohol after five years of sobriety, Sam began psychotherapy.

During his first session, Sam expressed the despair about achieving sobriety again.  He talked about his relapse, which occurred while he was on a recent company retreat, "I allowed my colleagues to persuade me to drink after our meeting, even though I knew it was a mistake.  I convinced myself  that I could control it and have just one beer.  Then, I was off to the races and one drink turned into five and then I drank the whole weekend.  When I got back from the company retreat, I spoke with my A.A. sponsor and he recommended that I get into therapy.  So, here I am, but I feel like a total failure and I don't think I can get back to where I was in terms of my sobriety."

Listening to his history of struggling with alcoholism from the time he was a teenager, his long family history of drinking, childhood emotional abuse, and Sam's five year history of recovery, his therapist could tell that Sam had a lot of personal strengths (see my article: Why Is It That It's Often the Healthiest Person in a Dysfunctional Family Who Seeks Help in Therapy?).

Not only did Sam begin attending Alcoholics Anonymous on his own in his mid-20s, even though his family tried to dissuade him from going, he also successfully worked the 12 Steps with his sponsor and felt he benefited from doing it.  He was also an active participant on his A.A. meetings in terms of providing service for the meetings and he welcomed newcomers who were struggling with alcoholism.

As a teenager, despite his drinking, Sam achieved above average grades and got a college scholarship, even though his family placed little value in education and tried to persuade him not to go because they thought it was a waste of time.

When his therapist asked Sam if he had emotional support from anyone else in his family or from a mentor or coach, Sam said he had no one.  But he said he was determined to move out of a dysfunctional family environment where his father and older brothers drank heavily and he knew that a college education was necessary for him to realize his independence.

After he graduated college with honors, despite heavy drinking, he went onto law school and landed a good job in a top law firm.

Right around the time that Sam began his new job, he realized that he couldn't continue to drink heavily if he wanted to succeed, and he sought help in Alcoholics Anonymous.

He explained to his therapist that it was especially challenging for him to get sober because, similar to his family, many of the attorneys at his company, including the partners, drank heavily.  In fact, drinking was part of the culture in his company, and the attorneys were expected to take out their clients for drinks.

Sam said he knew that he wouldn't stand a chance of achieving sobriety without the support of a sponsor, so he jumped at the chance to talk to an A.A. member with many years of sobriety who was among the members who stood up at the beginners meeting and offered to be an interim sponsor.

His sponsor, who was also an attorney, helped Sam to work the 12 steps and become aware of his triggers to drinking.  He also helped him to navigate the tricky situations at work where there would be heavy drinking with partners and clients.

Sam explained to his therapist that, looking back on it, he realized that his alcohol relapse began even before he picked up his first drink.  He said it began when he cut back on the number of A.A. meetings he was attending and stopped talking as frequently to his sponsor.  Then, it culminated in not using the tools that his sponsor helped him to develop and in believing that he could have just one drink to be "one of the guys" at the company retreat.

When she heard about his family history, his psychotherapist could see that much of Sam's self doubt and fear were rooted in his history with a father who constantly criticized and belittled Sam.  Even though Sam struggled against his father's emotional abuse, there was a part of him that internalized and believed what his father said about him.

During the initial stage of therapy, his therapist sensed that Sam wasn't ready to hear her assessment that he had a lot of strengths and that if she said it at that point, he would deny it and might even leave therapy.  So, instead, she asked him if he was willing to work hard in therapy to see if he could become sober again.  When he told her that he was willing, they set up a treatment plan, which included increasing his A.A. meetings and talking to his sponsor daily as well as once a week therapy.

As his therapist formed a therapeutic alliance with Sam and felt that he was comfortable with her, she began to point out and praise him for the positive steps that he was taking.  She also pointed out his positive qualities that helped him to begin making changes.

Since his therapist was an experiential therapist, she was actively engaged in the therapy and expressed her genuine delight as he got back on track with his sobriety because she knew that this corrective emotional experience was necessary, especially given the history of emotional abuse in his family (see my articles: With Experiential Psychotherapy, There Are No Blank-Slate Psychotherapists - Part 1 and Part 2).

At that point in therapy, Sam was able to take in his therapist's emotional support and her view of him as someone who had the personal strengths to achieve an emotional transformation.

After Sam had a few months of sobriety, his therapist introduced the idea of EMDR therapy to work on the underlying trauma that was a factor in his relapse (see my articles:How Does EMDR Therapy Work: EMDR and the Brain and Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR Therapy, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

Over time, Sam's confidence increased and he was able to acknowledge that he had many personal strengths that he could use to cope and maintain his sobriety in addition to therapy and his sober support system.

By the time Sam completed therapy, he realized that his therapist had believed in him all along and that this was a big part of his being able to sustain his sobriety and transform his life.

Conclusion
A skilled psychotherapist is able to hold open the possibility for clients' transformation even when clients are at a low point in therapy.

Being able to assess clients' personal strengths, as well as their challenges, and keeping in mind that with help most people's inclination is to move towards health and well-being, an experienced psychotherapist can hold open a space for positive change--especially when clients cannot see it for themselves.

Even when this holding open of a space for transformation isn't articulated by the psychotherapist, I believe that it is transmitted unconsciously in the intersubjective space between clients and their therapists.

Many clients recognize in hindsight that the therapist's role of holding onto the possibility of positive change was instrumental in helping them to achieve these changes.

Getting Help in Therapy
Experiential psychotherapists tend to be more present and actively involved in therapy.  They have seen clients' transformation against all odds and recognize the signs and signals that clients have the personal strengths necessary to make positive changes (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy).

If you're struggling with problems that you have been unable to overcome on your own, you could benefit from working with an experiential psychotherapist who can help you to achieve a transformational experience in your life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC experiential psychotherapist who uses contemporary psychodynamic psychotherapy, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, clinical hypnosis, and emotionally focused therapy (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome their history of trauma as well as their own self doubts to achieve transformational experiences in their lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Letting Go of Hope That is Based on Denial

Being hopeful and optimistic can improve your mood, your outlook on your personal life and the world around you.  But when hope is based on denial, this can only lead to disappointment and disillusionment.

Letting Go of Hope That is Based on Denial

For instance, it can be challenging to allow yourself to know when you're in an unhealthy relationship that isn't going to change.  This is especially difficult when you really love someone and you want things to work out between you.

You naturally want to give the person you're with and the relationship every chance to improve.  But after a certain point, you probably know deep down that things aren't going to change and you're just avoiding the inevitable (see my article: Wishful Thinking Often Leads to Poor Relationship Choices).

The first step to overcoming this problem, especially if this is a pattern for you, is to become aware that you're avoiding seeing the situation objectively.  If you're having difficulty doing this on your own, a trusted friend or family member might be helpful (see my article: Letting Go of Unrealistic Fantasies of a Happy Future in an Unhappy Relationship).

If you continue to avoid dealing with the situation even with the help of loved ones, you could benefit from seeking help in psychotherapy where an objective mental health professional can help you to see what you can't or won't see.

Once you have admitted to yourself that you're in denial about an unhealthy relationship that isn't going to change, your psychotherapist can help you to understand how your current situation might be based on earlier experiences so you can understand why holding on has become so compelling to you.

Having this understanding doesn't resolve your problems, but it helps you to have more self compassion rather than beating yourself up or feeling ashamed.

Then, when you're ready, your psychotherapist can help you to take the necessary steps to get out of a situation where you have been stuck and help you deal with the emotional aftermath (see my article: Overcoming the Heartbreak of a Breakup).

A Fictional Clinical Vignette: Letting Go of Hope That is Based on Denial
The following fictional clinical vignette illustrates how a skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome your denial about an unhealthy relationship:

Amy
Prior to starting psychotherapy, Amy frequently spoke to her close friends over the course of her two year relationship to get advice.  Her friends gave her the same consistent message:  Her boyfriend was mistreating her and, by staying in her relationship, she wasn't taking care of herself.

Amy had spoken to her friends so many times that she knew they were getting tired of hearing from her about the same problems, especially since she would come to them when she was upset about her relationship with Jim, listen to their advice and then disregard what they had to say.  It had become a self destructive cycle, and Amy knew that she needed help.

She told her psychotherapist that she was happy in her relationship with Jim during the first few months, but shortly after that, he became verbally abusive with her when he was drunk.  She said that Jim said mean and hurtful things to her that he didn't remember when he was sober.

When she confronted him about his hurtful comments to her when he was sober, he would apologize and promise her that it wouldn't happen again.  But these incidents were becoming more frequent as he got drunk more often, and he refused to get help.

There was an incident where Jim got drunk and verbally abusive with Amy during a visit to see Amy's family.  Afterwards, Amy's parents told her that she was welcome to come see them, but they didn't want Jim in their home again.

Amy's friends also told her that they didn't like being around Jim when he was verbally abusive with her, and they told her that they would be willing to get together with her, but they didn't want to be around Jim.

Over time, Amy felt more and more caught between Jim and her loved ones.  He was also offended that her family and friends didn't want him around.

Although, on some level, Amy understood her loved ones' reactions to Jim, she also resented her them because she felt they were putting her in a difficult situation. This was another area where Amy was in denial and she was unable to see that they weren't the ones who were putting her in a difficult situation--she was making a choice to be with Jim, despite his verbal abuse, and she didn't see how her choice affected her relationships.

If she spent time with friends or family and she didn't include Jim, he would get angry with her.
From his perspective, she was siding with other people over him. If she tried to convince her loved ones to include Jim, she ended up getting into arguments with them because they were adamant that they didn't want him around.

By the time Amy came to therapy, she said she didn't know what to do.  On the one hand, she loved Jim and she didn't want to leave him.  But being with him meant limiting her time with friends and family because they didn't want him around and he didn't like that he wasn't included.  On the other hand, she could see that his drinking and his behavior were getting worse, and he adamantly refused to get help.

Amy's psychotherapist could see that, as things stood, Amy was in denial about the severity of her problems related to Jim and she was staying in this relationship at a significant cost to her personal well-being and her social support network.  But her therapist also knew that Amy hoped that the problem would somehow get better on it's own, so Amy wasn't ready to let go of the relationship.

Her psychotherapist also sensed that the root to Amy's problems was deeper than the current situation, which is why Amy was having such a problem acknowledging what everyone else could see and why she remained in denial.

Amy talked in therapy about wanting to "be there" for Jim and hoping that she would one day be able to convince him to get help.  She felt that if she left him, she would be abandoning him when he was at a low point and she couldn't do this (see my article: Overcoming Codependency: Taking Care of Yourself First).

As Amy and her therapist continued to explore her current situation, her therapist asked Amy if she had ever felt this way before.  In response, Amy thought about her therapist's question, and she said that when she was younger, her paternal grandfather lived with the family and he had a serious drinking problem.

When he was sober, he was a kind, gentle man.  But when he was drunk, he was mean and nasty.  Unfortunately, his drinking progressed and he refused to get help.  Her parents, who were fed up, asked the grandfather to leave the household, which upset Amy.  She was afraid that if her grandfather was on his own, his problems would get worse.

So, even though she was only 17 at the time, Amy took the problem on her shoulders and decided that it was up to her to help her grandfather.  In hindsight, Amy realized that her grandfather only gave lip service to getting into alcohol treatment.  But at the time, she took him at his word and she was relieved.

A few weeks after her grandfather agreed to get help but failed to do so, he had an alcohol-related stroke, and he never recovered.  Amy explained to her psychotherapist that this was a devastating experience for her, and she blamed herself for not convincing her grandfather to get help earlier.

Until Amy discussed this with her psychotherapist, she never made the connection between how she reacted to her grandfather's problems and how she related to Jim's problems.  After she saw the connection, she was stunned, and it was the subject of the next several psychotherapy sessions.

At her current age of 32, Amy was able to look back on her experiences with her grandfather when she was 17, and she saw that she had been naive and in denial all along about her grandfather's problems and his willingness to get help. She also saw that she couldn't possibly be responsible for her grandfather at 17 or at any age.  This was the beginning of Amy developing insight into her current problems.

After that, two new incidents with Jim were pivotal in Amy's decision-making process.  The first incident occurred when Jim was arrested for drunk driving and his license was revoked.  At first, Amy couldn't understand why his license was revoked and not temporarily suspended, but then he revealed what he had never told her before--he had several arrests in the past for drunk driving that he was too ashamed to tell her about.

The second incident occurred shortly after Jim's arrest when he tried to reach Amy at work while he was drunk.  When he was unable to reach Amy directly, he became verbally abusive with the receptionist, who put the director on the phone.  In his drunken state, Jim cursed the director and threatened him.

Later that day, when the director called Amy into his office, he told her what happened and she was humiliated.  He told her that he was concerned for her and asked her if she wanted him to give her information about the company's employee assistance program so she could get help for herself. She told him that she was already in therapy and would speak with her psychotherapist about what happened.

Amy spoke about these two incidents with her therapist.  She realized that she couldn't remain with Jim anymore.  She would need to ask him to leave her apartment.  But this was very difficult for her because it was so similar to the situation with her grandfather when her parents wanted him to leave their home.

Amy talked to her psychotherapist about her dilemma.  Her psychotherapist recommended that they use EMDR therapy to work through the current situation and the original trauma related to her grandfather (see my article: Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR Therapy, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

As they began using EMDR, Amy began letting go of any false hope that she had been holding onto, and she eventually told Jim to leave.

Once Amy was out of the relationship, she was able to see clearly how deep her denial had been.  Along with dealing with the aftermath of the breakup and the loss of her grandfather in therapy, she also dealt with the shame she felt for remaining in a verbally abusive relationship with someone who was unwilling and/or unable to change.

Therapy was neither quick nor easy, but Amy felt herself gradually becoming more confident that she made the right decision by ending her relationship with Jim, and she deserved to be treated better in her next relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy
Letting go of hope that's based on denial is challenging.  The current problem often has roots in earlier problems.

Loved ones might see clearly what you're not allowing yourself to see, even though you might know on some level that you're in an unhealthy situation.

What often happens is that loved ones get tired of hearing you complain and might ask you to stop talking to them about your problems.  This can damage your relationships with friends and family, and you might feel ashamed.

Rather than suffering on your own, you owe to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Although a psychotherapist won't tell you what to do, a skilled therapist can help you to deal with your denial, make connections to earlier experiences and assist you to take the necessary steps for your own well-being (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Once you're free from an unhealthy situation, you can work on restoring your self esteem in therapy and reconnecting with family and friends.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many clients to work through difficult problems so they can live more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Breaking the Family Code of Silence in a Dysfunctional Family

One of the hallmarks of many dysfunctional families is that there is a family code of silence about the family's dysfunctional behavior.  This can include enabling addiction, sexual abuse, physical and emotional abuse and other dysfunctional behavior.  Breaking the family code of silence and how psychotherapy can help is the subject of this article (see my article: Dynamics of Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families).

Breaking the Family Code of Silence in a Dysfunctional Family

Children who grow up in dysfunctional families learn relatively quickly that there are certain subjects that the family doesn't discuss, and there are consequences for breaking this code of silence, including being punished, ostracized or identified as "family problem" or scapegoat (see my article: The Role of the Family Scapegoat and Children's Roles in Dysfunctional Families).

Young children have no choice in most circumstances than to go along with the dysfunctional behavior.  After all, they are completely dependent upon the family so that being an outcast is unthinkable.

There are some young children who take the risk of confiding in another adult--like a teacher, mentor or family member outside the immediate family, but this doesn't always lead to positive results, especially since, in most cases the child continues to live in the household and will suffer repercussions for revealing family secrets (see my article: Toxic Family Secrets).

Maintaining a code of silence about dysfunctional family behavior often becomes the norm for these children when they become adults.  Confronting the dysfunction can still feel risky--even if the adult child is no longer part of the household and no longer dependent upon the family.

The inner conflict of wanting to confront dysfunctional behavior vs. the fear of breaking the family code of silence is often a topic for clients in psychotherapy.

Fictional Clinical Vignette: Breaking the Family code of Silence in a Dysfunctional Family
After dating for a year, Megan and John began talking about getting married.  They were both in their mid-30s, they both wanted children and since their relationship was going so well, they agreed that they didn't want to have a lengthy engagement.  They agreed that they would rather plan to get married some time in the following year.

When Megan met John's parents for the first time, she was welcomed into their home with warmth and acceptance.  It was evident that they were happy that the couple was talking about getting married.

Megan knew that the next step would be for her to invite John to meet her family, but she dreaded the thought of John meeting her family.  Although no one in her family would admit it, her father had longstanding problems with alcohol that often resulted in unpleasant scenes at the family dinner table and during holidays.

Even though she and her parents lived nearby in New York City, Megan avoided going home, except during holiday time, and even then she sometimes made up excuses not to be around her family's dysfunctional behavior.

As a child, she loved being around her father when he was sober, which was usually early in the day.  But once he began drinking, he became verbally abusive, and no one was immune to his verbal attacks. She became very attuned to recognizing when her father was drunk and tried to stay out of his way.

She also didn't invited friends over to her house when she was a child because she never knew when her father would be drunk, and it would be too humiliating for her if her friends saw her father's behavior.

As a teenager, Megan summoned the courage to talk to her mother and her older siblings about the father's problems, but they tended to minimize the father's drinking.

Her mother told, "This is the way your father is.  There's nothing we can do to change it." And her siblings told Megan that she was "making a big thing out of nothing."  So, being outnumbered, Megan contained her rage and bided her time until she could go away to college (see my article: Being the "Different One" in Your Family).

After she graduated college, Megan moved into an apartment in Manhattan with a few of her college roommates.  She had one serious relationship with a man named Bill, before her relationship with John, when she was in her senior year of college.  She avoided introducing Bill to her family, but after she met Bill's parents and siblings a few times, she felt uncomfortable not introducing Bill to her family.

Before inviting Bill over to meet her parents, she spoke with her parents and told asked them to avoid serving or drinking alcohol when she brought Bill over.  Her parents were incensed that she would even ask this.  Even though Megan tried to be as tactful as possible, both parents objected to her "dictating" their behavior in their own home.

As a result, Megan nervously explained to Bill why she was avoiding introducing him to her parents. Although Bill said he understood, Megan always wondered after their breakup a few months later whether he was skittish about the possibility of becoming part of a family with such dysfunctional behavior.

Now that she was with John, Megan wanted very much for this relationship to work.  She had never revealed her father's alcoholism because she felt so ashamed about it.

On an intellectual level, she understood that she wasn't doing anything wrong and she didn't have a reason to feel ashamed, but the thought of John seeing her father drunk felt so humiliating.  He came from a relatively healthy family, and she wasn't sure he would understand or want to be around her family's unhealthy behavior.  And, yet, Megan still loved her family and, at that point, she didn't want to completely cut them off.

Breaking the Family Code of Silence in a Dysfunctional Family

So, feeling caught in a dilemma about what to do, she began attending psychotherapy.  Megan provided her psychotherapist with the family history, including the alcoholism, family secrets, the enabling and the family code of silence.

As she spoke to her psychotherapist, Megan began to get clearer that her father's behavior was completely unacceptable to her and, even though she loved him, she didn't want to be around him or have John around him.

Megan decided to try to talk to her mother about it one more time, so she invited her mother to lunch in a nearby restaurant one Saturday.  After the meal, she broached the topic with her mother again.  She told her mother that she loved both her and her father, but her father's drunken behavior was unacceptable to her and she didn't want to be around it.

Megan could see her mother's eyes glaze over as Megan brought up the topic of her father's drinking.  She expected her mother to "check out" during this discussion, but she persevered.  When she saw that her mother was distracting herself by looking at her phone, Megan put her hand over her mother's phone and said, "Mom, do you understand what I'm saying? I won't come over anymore until dad gets sober."

When her mother made a gesture to leave, Megan asked her to stay and to hear her out.  Reluctantly, Megan's mother sat down again and glared at Megan.  Then, her mother's eyes welled up with tears, "I know your father has a little too much to drink sometimes and he says things that he regrets later, but what can I do?"

Megan wanted to tell her mother to stand up to her father, but she didn't want to tell her mother what to do.  So, instead, she focused on herself and told her mother that she couldn't tell her what to do.  She only wanted her mother to know that she was fed up with his behavior, and she would stop coming over if he didn't get help and stop drinking.  She explained that she felt that if she continued to come to the house under the current circumstances, she would be enabling her father's behavior and she no longer wanted to do that.

She also explained that she and John were planning to get married and have children and she didn't want John or her future children to be exposed to her father's drunkeness and the family's enabling of that behavior.  Megan's mother was silent, but Megan could see that her mother was inwardly seething.

A few days later, Megan spoke with her psychotherapist about her lunch with her mother and how frustrated and angry she felt about her mother's reaction.  Despite that it was very difficult for Megan, she also felt freer and lighter after the discussion she had with her mother.  She made a commitment to herself that she would continue to stand up for herself.

Megan also had a talk with John to explain her family's problems.  Although she felt embarrassed, she was relieved that he was so understanding.  She suggested that he could meet her siblings, who were all their own, away from the family home, which he agreed to do.

In the meantime, Megan and her psychotherapist worked on her unresolved childhood trauma related to the effect of the family's dysfunctional behavior using EMDR therapy (see my articles: What is EMDR Therapy? and How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR and the Brain).

Over time, Megan and her psychotherapist worked through the unresolved childhood trauma with EMDR therapy, but it was neither quick nor easy.

Megan and John planned a small wedding with his family and their friends.  She invited her mother and siblings, but they refused to come because Megan excluded her father.  Although it was very difficult not to have her parents there, Megan knew she made the right decision for herself by not inviting her father.

A couple of years later, Megan was at home when she received a call from her mother that the father was in the emergency room after waking up looking jaundice.  Putting aside her resentment, Megan went to the hospital and stayed with her mother while her father was admitted to the intensive care unit.

The doctors explained to them that it appeared that Megan's father's liver was failing and they would need to do tests.  He explained that this was a very serious medical condition, and they might have to place the father in an induced medical coma.

At that point, Megan's family, including the father, had to confront the seriousness of his alcohol problems and that he might die from liver failure.  The father, who was in a great deal of pain, apologized to the mother, Megan and her siblings for upsetting them.  He held Megan's hand until he was taken away for tests.

It turned out that a medically induced coma was unnecessary, but the father needed surgery and he was warned by the doctors that if he continued to drink, he could die.

After the father recuperated from his medical problems, he agreed to go to an inpatient rehabilitation program for people who abused substances.  After he was in the program for a couple of weeks, Megan, John, her mother and siblings visited the rehab on family day.

They participated in a family education program and then they met with Megan's father and his primary counselor.  During that family session, Megan's father apologized again and made a commitment that he would do a six month outpatient chemical dependency program, attend Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, and get a sponsor so he could work on being sober.

It was an emotional meeting for everyone.  The counselor encouraged the family members to attend Al-Anon, a 12 Step anonymous program for family members who are part of an alcoholic and codependent family (see my article: Al-Anon: Beyond Reciting Slogans).

As time went on and Megan saw that her father was really serious about recovery and staying sober, she and John began attending occasional family dinners.  After many years of experiencing her father's alcoholism, it took Megan a while before she could trust that her father was serious about his recovery.

Breaking the Family Code of Silence in a Dysfunctional Family

But throughout it all, Megan felt confident that she knew what was acceptable and unacceptable behavior to her and that if her father relapsed, she knew what she needed to do to take care of herself (see my article: Is Self Care Selfish?).

Conclusion
Breaking the family code of silence can be a daunting endeavor, especially if you're the only one in your family who is willing to do it.

Years of going along with enabling behavior can numb you emotionally to dysfunctional behavior and cause you to be in denial about it.  But once you've made up your mind to place your own sense of well-being ahead of the family code of silence, you can take the necessary steps to take care of yourself, and psychotherapy can help you.

Getting Help in Therapy
It takes courage to confront longstanding family problems and how these problems affect you (see my article: Developing the Courage to Change).

If you have been struggling with the effects of dysfunctional family behavior and a code of silence around it, you could benefit from attending psychotherapy (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to identify the problems, take steps to take care of yourself, and work through the unresolved problems in therapy (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

My experience as a psychotherapist of 20 years has been that experiential psychotherapy usually works best to overcome unresolved trauma (see my articles: Why Experiential Psychotherapy is More Effective to Overcome Trauma Than Talk Therapy Alone and  Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR Therapy, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many clients to overcome unresolved trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Denial and Illusions in The Iceman Cometh

Letting go of illusions (or "pipe dreams") is part of the challenge of being a middle-aged adult.  It's usually a time of coming to terms with what's possible, what's not possible and how you want to live the rest of your life (see my articles: Midlife Transitions - Part 1: Reassessing Your Life  and Midlife Transitions - Part 2: Living the Life You Want to Live).  But this is not the case for the characters in Eugene O'Neill's play, The Iceman Cometh, who maintain and reinforce each other's denial and illusions.

Denial and Illusions in The Iceman Cometh

The Play: The Iceman Cometh
Written in 1939 and first published and performed in 1946, O'Neill's play centers around down-on- their-luck alcoholics who spend most of their time at Harry Hope's bar in Manhattan reminiscing about their past and how "one day" they'll regain the lives they once had.

Although the play was written almost 80 years ago, the psychological themes in this play, illusions and denial as a defense against dealing with reality, are timeless.

The Characters in The Iceman Cometh
Each of the characters is bound to his illusion about how he will get back on his feet.  Even though they're all at lowest point in their lives, these illusions and a heavy dose of denial keep them going.

Some of the characters include:

• Harry Hope: The bar owner who hasn't walked outside his bar since his wife died 20 years before.   He maintains the illusion that he has been unable to go outside because he's still grieving for the wife he loved so much.    He believes that, somehow, he will able to go outside again one day and reconnect with his old Tammany Hall friends that he hasn't seen since his wife died.

• Larry Slade: Nicknamed the Foolasopher, he was once part of the US anarchist movement before he became disillusioned with it, believes himself to be done with life and he is waiting to die.  He sees through the illusions of the other characters, but he doesn't see his own illusions.

• Don Parritt: At age 18, he is the youngest character.  He seeks out Larry Slade, Parritt's mother's former lover when they were both part of the anarchist movement.  He confesses to Slade about selling out the movement, which resulted in his mother's incarceration.  Even though he has longstanding resentments against his mother for neglecting him, he tries to convince Slade (and himself) that he didn't know that his mother would be incarcerated.  Eventually, he will face his self deception.

• Pat McGloin: The former police lieutenant, who was fired from the police force, and who believes he will one day get his job back.  

• James Cameron: Nicknamed "Jimmy Tomorrow," he was fired from his job in publicity due to his alcoholism, and he believes he will one day get his job back.

• Joe Mott: The only African American in the play, he once ran his own gambling house, and dreams of the day when he will one day run another gambling house.

The Role of Hickey in Confronting the Others About Their Illusions and Denial
All of the characters are eagerly waiting for Theodore Hickman (nicknamed "Hickey"), a traveling salesman who comes to the bar a few times a year, including on Harry Hope's birthday.  In their eyes, Hickey is a lively, funny and generous guy who tells funny stories and buys them drinks.

But when Hickey finally shows up on Harry Hope's birthday, he is a changed man--much to the shock and dismay of the other characters.

Challenging Illusions and Denial
Not only has he stopped drinking, but he tells them that he has let go of his illusions and that this has freed him.  He challenges the others to let go of their pipe dreams, so they can be free as well.

As someone who knows them well and who is also good at reading and manipulating people, Hickey confronts each character about his particular illusions.

With his forceful and persuasive personality, he gets each character to face his fantasies and fears now instead of continuing to believe that they will do it "one day."

Hickey lets them know that the Old Hickey used to be an alcoholic and a philanderer who regularly cheated on his wife.  He had tremendous guilt because his wife always forgave him.  In the past, he vowed over and over not to hurt her again, to no avail.  But the New Hickey has seen the light.  Rather than feeling guilty and disappointed in himself for continuously hurting his wife, he made changes in his life.

Hickey comes across as someone who has discovered the truth and who is now preaching the "gospel" to the others.  But all the while he is harboring a deep secret.

Of course, none of the characters are able to confront their fears and fantasies, which has served to keep them going.  And as a result, they must each face that they've become like zombies, and life has no meaning for them without their illusions.

Then, Hickey reveals his secret...

The Benefits of Reading The Iceman Cometh
Without giving away the dramatic ending, I believe that The Iceman Cometh is a fascinating play with universal psychological themes.

Although it would be easy to dismiss these characters' stories because they're severe alcoholics who have lost their way, the story highlights how easy it is for anyone to hold onto illusions and the personal repercussions involved.

If you haven't read The Iceman Cometh, I highly recommend that you read it and consider the psychological roles of illusion and denial (see my article: The Benefits of Reading Literature).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Early Recovery: Overcoming Feelings of Emptiness and Loss

In previous articles about early recovery, I addressed problems with making major major adjustments to life to maintain sobriety (see my articles: Early Recovery: Focusing on the People Part of "People, Places and Things," Overcoming the Temptation to Use "Liquid Courage" to Cope With Social Situations and Early Recovery: You've Stopped Drinking. Now What?.  In this article, I'm addressing another common issue that people in early recovery experience, which is overcoming the feelings of emptiness and loss after you give up your addiction.

Early Recovery: Overcoming Feelings of Emptiness and Loss 

Many people in early recovery will say that one of the hardest things they had to do in order to get sober was give up the one thing they felt they could rely on--their addiction of choice.

For anyone who is unfamiliar with addiction and early recovery, these feelings of emptiness and loss for an addiction might seem confusing.

But as a psychotherapist in private practice in New York City, who has worked with people at all stages of addiction, I know that this sense of loss and emptiness is common and understandable.

After all, if the addiction, whether it's to alcohol, drugs, compulsive gambling, compulsive sexual behavior or any other addictive behavior, didn't serve a need, the person with the addiction wouldn't persist in it.

For many people, who are contemplating giving up an addiction, one of the most daunting aspects of attaining sobriety is the thought they won't have what feels to them as a "friend" who has served a need--whatever that need might be.

The need could be a way to relax, socialize, to temporarily forget problems, to elevate a mood, to feel empowered, and so on.  And if the addiction of choice didn't "work" in some sense, even temporarily, it would have been given up long before it became an addiction.

For someone who is unfamiliar with addiction, it would be hard to imagine just how scary and how courageous it is when someone who has an addiction gives it up.  Many people, who are not educated about addiction, think that the person with the addiction "should just stop."

But aside from the fact that there might be a physical danger to "just stopping" for many addictions where a detox is necessary, the person contemplating giving up the addiction is also taking a leap of faith that they will be able to survive physically and emotionally with the addiction.

This is why there's a high rate of relapse for people struggling to stay sober, especially if they try to do it without sober support and, eventually, working through the underlying emotional problems that led to the addiction in the first place.

What Will Take the Place of the Addiction for the Person in Early Recovery to Fill the Emotional Void?
Without the addiction, the person in early recovery will usually become aware of an emotional void and the sense of loss.

Early Recovery: Overcoming the Feelings of Emptiness and Loss

Since isolation and loneliness is often a part of addiction, many people in early recovery find support in 12 Step meetings like Alcoholics Anonymous or Gamblers Anonymous.

They discover that there are people in these self help meetings in all different stages of recovery--from early recovery to many years in recovery.

They also discover that they have much in common with the people in these self help rooms, including a continuing struggle to avoid relapse and to maintain the values and principles they learned in those rooms.

I usually recommend that people in early recovery give 12 Step meetings a chance by going to several beginners meetings to see if they find a particular meeting where they feel comfortable and where they can also find a sponsor to help them work the 12 Steps.

There is no one-size-fits-all approach to recovery, so I also understand that for some people in early recovery the 12 Step model doesn't resonate with them or they find the meetings too overwhelming after they've tried several meetings (see my article: The Early Stage of Recovery: What to Do If 12 Step Meetings Are Too Overwhelming For You?).

So, many people in early recovery prefer to go to structured treatment in either an inpatient or  outpatient substance abuse program, if they have health benefits that recovers this treatment, where they can also get group support from people with similar problems.

Other people seek out psychotherapists who have experience working with people in recovery, including early recovery.

For psychotherapy option to work well in early recovery, the psychotherapist needs not only to be familiar with addictions, she must also know how to assess the timing and what the client can tolerate in terms of working on the underlying issues.

It's essential that clients in early recovery have sufficient sober time, the coping skills and necessary internal resources to deal with the underlying emotional issues in therapy, so it's psychotherapists need to help clients to develop these internal resources before delving deeper (see my article: Developing Internal Resources and Coping Strategies).

All of these modalities--12 Step meetings, structured substance abuse programs, and psychotherapy--all have the potential to help clients to remain sober.

In addition, in many cases what's also needed is something deeper that will fill the void that's left from no longer engaging in the addiction.

Some people find meaning by discovering or rediscovering a sense of spirituality.

Spirituality doesn't necessarily mean religion, although it could (see my article: A Search For a Meaningful Life and Spirituality: Are You Contemplating Your Faith of Origin in a New Light?).

Spirituality can take on many different forms aside from formal religion.  For instance, many people feel a sense of spirituality when they volunteer to help others, including volunteering at 12 Step meetings or in schools or a local community program.  Others discover a sense of spirituality in nature and find a connection to nature a transcendent experience.

The important aspect of spirituality in whatever form it takes is that it is meaningful, fulfilling and transcendent.

I believe this applies to everyone--not just people in early recovery.  Whether you call it "spirituality" or something else, without a sense of meaning, purpose and transcendence, you're just living from day to day and it can feel empty.

Many people who don't struggling with addiction but who focus only on material things will often feel a sense of emptiness in midlife when money and possessions no longer serve elevate their moods.

Usually, midlife brings an awareness that money and material things, although necessary to a certain extent to meet basic needs and give some comfort, are never enough to fill up a sense of emptiness.

This is why many people in midlife, especially those who have more years behind them than ahead of them, recognize that they need to make changes (see my articles: Midlife Transitions: Part 1: Reassessing Your Life, Midlife Transitions - Part 2: Living the Life You Want to Live, Is That All There Is? When "Having It All" Leaves You Feeling Empty  and Redefining Happiness and Success For Yourself).

Conclusion
The early recovery stage presents certain challenges, including dealing with the sense of emptiness and loss that often occurs after giving up the addiction.

Early Recovery: Overcoming Feelings of Emptiness and Loss

Aside from the physical aspects of getting sober and maintain sobriety, people in early recovery need to find healthy and meaningful ways to fill the void.

Sober support from 12 Step meetings, substance abuse programs and psychotherapy offer various options for staying sober and, in the case of psychotherapy, working through the underlying emotional problems that led to the addiction in the first place.

Beyond these options, people in early recovery need to find a sense of meaning and purpose in their lives.  I refer to it as "spirituality," but it doesn't have to involve a formal religion or even a belief in a higher power.

Without a sense of meaning and transcendence, people in early recovery often struggle with the sense of loss and emptiness that usually follows after they become sober.

Getting Help in Therapy
Many people choose to attend psychotherapy to address underlying emotional issues at the core of their addiction (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

As previously mentioned, it's important to find a psychotherapist who has an expertise in addiction and who can work with you in a way that feels emotionally manageable for you (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients in all stages of recovery to maintain their sobriety and work through the underlying emotional problems that were at the root of their addiction.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Early Recovery: Focusing on the "People" Part of "People, Places and Things"

The decision to get sober is one of the biggest and most challenging decisions you can make in your life.  Once you've made this decision, you need to assess your life about how you're going to maintain your sobriety.  The concept of being aware of "people, places and things" in order not to relapse is an important one.  In this article, I'm focusing on the people part of "people, places and things" because it's often one of the hardest parts of recovery (see my articles: Early Recovery: You've Stopped Drinking. Now What? and The Myth of Having to "Hit Bottom" to Change).

Early Recovery: Focusing on the "People" of "People, Places and Things"

Reassessing Your Friendships in Light of Your Desire to Remain Sober

During early recovery, people usually take stock of their lives, including the people they hang out with when they drink--their drinking buddies.  When drinking buddies are only acquaintances at the local bar, as opposed to close friends, it's less of a challenge to refrain from seeing them in order to avoid the temptation to drink.

But when the people are close friends, it's a much more difficult situation and you might need to make some hard choices in order to stay sober.   

This doesn't necessarily mean that you need to give up your friends completely.  For instance, if you have close friends, who drink a lot, but who also like to engage in other activities, you could avoid meeting them at the bar and, instead, meet them at the movies.  

When you explain to your friends that you're giving up drinking, if they're good friends, it's more than likely they will encourage you to do what's best for you regardless of how they feel about drinking.

But when you have friends who might be in denial about how much they're drinking, they could perceive your sobriety as a threat because it forces them to look at their own drinking.  

As a result, they might minimize your problem in order to avoid dealing with their own drinking problem.  This doesn't mean that your friends don't care about you.  It usually means that they're afraid to look at themselves and it's easier for them to minimize your problem than to look at their own issues.

If close friends are encouraging you to join them for drinks after you've told them that you want to stop drinking, you need to make a decision about these friendships in light of your desire to stay sober.  

The same is true for friends who are only interested in going out drinking and who have no other interests.  If they're not willing to meet you for coffee or to do something else that doesn't involve alcohol, you will need to reassess these friendships because you will be putting your well-being at risk if you go along with them to bars.

Isolation Isn't the Answer:  Getting Sober Support in Self Help Meetings

You will need emotional support to maintain your sobriety, especially if you have to give up friends (see my articles: Overcoming Loneliness and Social Isolation and Changing Maladaptive Coping Strategies That Don't Work: Avoidance).

Many people who are trying to get sober isolate themselves in order to avoid alcohol.  This might work for a short time, but it's not the answer in the long run.  

Everyone needs emotional support, especially if you're taking on the challenge of staying sober.  Isolation only makes you feel lonely and it makes it that much more likely that you'll return to alcohol as your "old friend."

You can find sober support at Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.) meetings.  Visiting several Alcoholics Anonymous meetings is a good way to find a meeting that feels right for you because every meeting is different.  

When you find a meeting that feels right for you, you can also obtain an interim sponsor, someone who volunteers him or herself in a beginners meeting to be a temporary sponsor until you find someone that you feel comfortable with, which could be your interim sponsor or it could be someone else.

Getting Help in Therapy

But what if you attend several A.A. meetings and you feel overwhelmed by these meetings? (see my article:  Early Recovery: What If 12 Step Meetings Are Too Overwhelming For You?).

Then, you would do well to consider individual psychotherapy with a psychotherapist who has experience working with people in recovery (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Even if you're attending A.A. meetings and you have a sponsor, it's a good idea to consider individual therapy to work on the underlying issues that contribute to your excessive drinking.  

A.A. meetings and sponsorship can be important components to recovery.  But if you don't eventually address in greater depth the underlying issues that trigger your drinking, you're more prone to relapse.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients who are in recovery to stay sober.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming a Need to Rescue Your Loved Ones as Part of a Codependent Pattern

Many people attempt to rescue the people in their lives, especially family members and romantic partners (see my articles:  How to Stop Being the Rescuer in Your Family, Overcoming Codependency: Taking Care of Yourself First, and Overcoming the Need to Be Everyone's Rescuer).

Overcoming the Need to Rescue and Fix Your Loved Ones as Part of a Codependent Pattern

I believe most people who try to rescue others have a genuine concern for their loved ones and want the best for them.  Their intention comes from a good place within them.

At the same time, there are problems involved with rescuing.  One problem is that there are usually underlying emotional issues involved for the rescuers which causes them to feel compelled to fix others. They avoid dealing with their problems by focusing on others instead of themselves.

Another problem is that this dynamic often causes problems in relationships because the person, who is the "rescuee," often doesn't want to be rescued or fixed.  This is bound to cause friction.

Even if they do want to be rescued, the problem is that this dynamic keeps both people from facing their problems and growing and developing as mature, responsible adults.

Usually people who try to rescue others have developed this pattern first with their families and then it carries over into other relationships.

Let's take a look at a fictional vignette which illustrates this dynamic:

Fictional Vignette: Trying to Rescue and Fix Your Loved Ones:

Nina
As the oldest in her family, Nina's parents and siblings relied on her to resolve family problems from the time she was a young child.

From the time Nina was seven or eight years old, Nina's mother, who was a single parent, often confided to Nina about her problems.  She treated Nina as if she were a close friend rather than a child (see my article: Why Your Child Can't Be Your Best Friend).

Even after they were grown, Nina's siblings relied on Nina to bail them out when they got into trouble or needed money.

Helping her mother and siblings often meant that Nina would put herself in a financial bind, but she found it impossible to say no to them.

When she started dating Ed, Nina recognized that he drank too much, but she liked him a lot and she thought, "I can change him" (see my articles: Relationships: "I'll Change Him After We Get Married.")

Little did she know that Ed didn't want to stop drinking, and he resented her suggestions that she could help him.  After a few months, Ed's resentment led to his breaking up with Nina, which upset her.

A few months later, she became friendly with Tom, who worked in the same restaurant where Nina worked.  At first, they were friends.  But, as time went on, their friendship turned into a romance.

Shortly after Nina began dating Tom, she discovered that he had serious financial problems even though he did well as the bartender at the restaurant.

When Nina offered to lend him money and make a budget for him, Tom felt ashamed and told her that he didn't need her help.  But Nina persisted, which resulted in Tom ending their relationship.

Soon after they broke up, Tom left the restaurant and took a job somewhere else because it was too uncomfortable for both of them to work in the same place after they broke up.  This saddened Nina because she felt she lost a lover and a friend.

Right after Tom ended their relationship, Nina began getting headaches and backaches, which she never had before.  Her doctor ruled out any medical problems and suggested that it might be related to emotional problems.  He suggested that she seek out help from a psychotherapist.

As Nina described her family history and her romantic relationships, she and her psychotherapist discussed her need to try to fix others--even when these people didn't want it.

Nina said that she felt she could see others' problems much clearer than them could, and she wanted to help.  She took pride in being the "go to" person to be relied upon, "I'm the one everyone comes to for help in my family."

When her psychotherapist asked Nina who she went to when she had a problem, Nina acknowledged that she usually didn't go to anyone--not even her close friends--because it made her feel too uncomfortable.

Over time, as Nina and her therapist continued to discuss these issues in their psychotherapy sessions,  Nina realized how much she was neglecting herself by trying so hard to help others.

Since she gave her adult siblings so much money, she had little for herself.  She had not even bought herself a new coat in several years because her youngest brother had a gambling problem and she was constantly giving him money to bail him out.  She thought it would be "cruel" to allow him to face the consequences of his actions.

She also paid her mother's bills, even though her mother had a good job and could afford to pay her own bills, "Ever since I began working, I've just always paid my mother's bills."

When her therapist asked Nina to think about her situation as if it were someone else's story, Nina thought about her it for the first time, "It's just what I've always done, and I've never thought about it before."

But as she considered the personal sacrifices that she was making, she realized that she couldn't continue to do this.  She knew it would be hard for her to stop and for her family, "How will my family get along without my help?  They're not used to taking care of themselves."

What really convinced Nina that she needed to change was when she realized that she was focusing so much on other people so that she wouldn't focus on herself.

Nina's psychotherapist provided Nina with information about codependency so Nina could understand this is a dynamic and the ways to overcome it (see my article: Why It's Important For Psychotherapists to Provide Clients With Psychoeducation).

Nina's psychotherapist also told her about how Al-Anon  meetings can help to overcome codependency.  Nina tried a few meetings, but she felt too overwhelmed by what others shared, so she decided not to continue and read the literature instead (see my article: The Early Stage of Recovery: What to Do If 12 Step Meetings Are Too Overwhelming For You?).

As difficult as it was for Nina, she and her therapist came up with a plan to deal with her codependency:  Over the next several months, she would gradually stop contributing as much financially to her family so they had time to work on becoming more independent and she had time to learn how to stop rescuing them.  Nina realized that, although she thought she was helping them, she was really fostering an unhealthy dependency and they would never learn to take care of themselves.

She was aware that her mother and siblings would protest because this would be a big change for them, and they wouldn't like it.

At the same time, Nina and her therapist began to explore the underlying reasons why Nina felt compelled to take care of others.  She discovered that she felt a need to have control over her siblings and her boyfriends because things were so chaotic when she was growing up.  Taking care of others and feeling in control helped her to have a sense of stability.

She began to understand that her intention for wanting stability in her family was a good one, but the codependent dynamic was hurting her and her family and her former boyfriends.

As part of Nina's plan, she told her family about the plan.  Initially, Nina's mother and siblings were angry with her and they refused to talk to her. They felt like she was being cruel, even though the plan would take place over several months.

But things gradually turned around.  During that time, Nina's mother became more conscious of how she spent money and took over her own bills.  After a several months, she told Nina that she felt a sense of pride that she could manage on her own because she never thought she would be capable of doing it.

Her brother, who gambled, got help from a psychotherapist who specialized in working with people with compulsive gambling problems.  He also began attending Gamblers Anonymous and got a sponsor.  He had a few "slips" along the way, but he took responsibility for them and felt better about himself.

Nina's other siblings got more serious about finding work and, after a few months, they were each employed and taking more responsibility for themselves.

Even though Nina developed insight into her codependent patterns, she had to remain aware of her problem at first or she knew she could easily fall back into her old ways.

Nina and her therapist worked on the underlying issues related to her childhood trauma, including how overwhelmed she felt as a child by the chaos in the household, using EMDR therapy (see my article: What is EMDR Therapy?).

As Nina dealt with her own underlying issues, her headaches and backaches went away.  As her doctor suggested, what appeared to be solely medical problems were related to her emotional problems.

Overcoming the Need to Rescue Your Loved Ones as Part of a Codependent Pattern

Working through her early trauma helped Nina to make healthier choices in her relationships (see my article: Choosing Healthier Romantic Relationships).

Conclusion
Trying to rescue and fix others is damaging to the rescuer as well as the people the rescuer wants to help.

A pattern of rescuing behavior usually involves codependency, which keeps the rescuers from focusing on their own problems because they're so busy trying to rescue others.

This pattern is often a blind spot for people who are codependent, but it can be worked through in therapy (see my article: Overcoming Your Blind Spots).

Changing patterns isn't easy or quick, but when people begin to see how beneficial these changes are for themselves and others, they realize that it's worthwhile.

Getting Help in Therapy
If this article resonates with you, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional who specializes in helping people overcome codependency (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Dealing with the underlying issues at the root of the problem and freeing yourself from a traumatic history allows you and your loved ones to grow and flourish.

Rather than suffering on your own, you could get the help you need from a skilled psychotherapist (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I have helped many clients to overcome their codependent patterns as they work through the traumatic roots of their problems.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.