Early Recovery: Focusing on the "People" Part of "People, Places and Things"

The decision to get sober is one of the biggest and most challenging decisions you can make in your life.  Once you've made this decision, you need to assess your life about how you're going to maintain your sobriety.  The concept of being aware of "people, places and things" in order not to relapse is an important one.  In this article, I'm focusing on the people part of "people, places and things" because it's often one of the hardest parts of recovery (see my articles: Early Recovery: You've Stopped Drinking. Now What? and The Myth of Having to "Hit Bottom" to Change).

Early Recovery: Focusing on the "People" of "People, Places and Things"

Reassessing Your Friendships in Light of Your Desire to Remain Sober

During early recovery, people usually take stock of their lives, including the people they hang out with when they drink--their drinking buddies.  When drinking buddies are only acquaintances at the local bar, as opposed to close friends, it's less of a challenge to refrain from seeing them in order to avoid the temptation to drink.

But when the people are close friends, it's a much more difficult situation and you might need to make some hard choices in order to stay sober.   

This doesn't necessarily mean that you need to give up your friends completely.  For instance, if you have close friends, who drink a lot, but who also like to engage in other activities, you could avoid meeting them at the bar and, instead, meet them at the movies.  

When you explain to your friends that you're giving up drinking, if they're good friends, it's more than likely they will encourage you to do what's best for you regardless of how they feel about drinking.

But when you have friends who might be in denial about how much they're drinking, they could perceive your sobriety as a threat because it forces them to look at their own drinking.  

As a result, they might minimize your problem in order to avoid dealing with their own drinking problem.  This doesn't mean that your friends don't care about you.  It usually means that they're afraid to look at themselves and it's easier for them to minimize your problem than to look at their own issues.

If close friends are encouraging you to join them for drinks after you've told them that you want to stop drinking, you need to make a decision about these friendships in light of your desire to stay sober.  

The same is true for friends who are only interested in going out drinking and who have no other interests.  If they're not willing to meet you for coffee or to do something else that doesn't involve alcohol, you will need to reassess these friendships because you will be putting your well-being at risk if you go along with them to bars.

Isolation Isn't the Answer:  Getting Sober Support in Self Help Meetings

You will need emotional support to maintain your sobriety, especially if you have to give up friends (see my articles: Overcoming Loneliness and Social Isolation and Changing Maladaptive Coping Strategies That Don't Work: Avoidance).

Many people who are trying to get sober isolate themselves in order to avoid alcohol.  This might work for a short time, but it's not the answer in the long run.  

Everyone needs emotional support, especially if you're taking on the challenge of staying sober.  Isolation only makes you feel lonely and it makes it that much more likely that you'll return to alcohol as your "old friend."

You can find sober support at Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.) meetings.  Visiting several Alcoholics Anonymous meetings is a good way to find a meeting that feels right for you because every meeting is different.  

When you find a meeting that feels right for you, you can also obtain an interim sponsor, someone who volunteers him or herself in a beginners meeting to be a temporary sponsor until you find someone that you feel comfortable with, which could be your interim sponsor or it could be someone else.

Getting Help in Therapy

But what if you attend several A.A. meetings and you feel overwhelmed by these meetings? (see my article:  Early Recovery: What If 12 Step Meetings Are Too Overwhelming For You?).

Then, you would do well to consider individual psychotherapy with a psychotherapist who has experience working with people in recovery (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Even if you're attending A.A. meetings and you have a sponsor, it's a good idea to consider individual therapy to work on the underlying issues that contribute to your excessive drinking.  

A.A. meetings and sponsorship can be important components to recovery.  But if you don't eventually address in greater depth the underlying issues that trigger your drinking, you're more prone to relapse.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients who are in recovery to stay sober.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

You and Your Spouse Disagree About Your Adult Child's Substance Abuse Problem - Part 2

In my prior blog article, You and Your Spouse Disagree About Your Child's Substance Abuse Problem - Part 1, I gave a composite vignette of a family struggling with an adult child who moved back home and who has a substance abuse problem.

As often happens, the parents in this family disagree about how to handle their son's problem.  The mother wants their son to get help, but the father thinks the son is just going through a phase.  The problem drives a wedge between them. And their son, who moved back home, uses their conflict to his advantage by going to his father whenever he feels the mother is being too hard on him.

This vignette is a common problem in families and can create increasing conflict and havoc in the household.

You and Your Spouse Disagree About Your Adult Child's Substance Abuse Problem

Of course, every situation is different, so one blog article can't address every issue.

Above all, if your family is having a similar problem and you and your spouse just can't come to an agreement about how to handle it, you should seek out a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in dealing with substance abuse problems.

Here's what I would recommend to Dan and Marie Smith (from the vignette in the prior blog post):

You Can't Ignore Your Child's Problem Drinking Anymore:
The best strategy would have been to discuss what to do before Matt moved back home.  It would have given both of you a chance to get your feelings out in the open with each other and, hopefully, come to a compromise, if possible.  Then, you both could have presented your conditions for allowing Matt to move back home together with one voice.

But since Matt was allowed to move back home without any conditions or guidelines, at this point, now that it has become obvious that he has a drinking problem, you can't ignore it anymore or pretend that it's just a phase.

Based on the fact that 1) Matt lost his job (at least in part due to his excessive absenteeism, which could be telltale sign of excessive drinking) and that 2) you found lots of empty beer bottles hidden in his closet, you can't ignore the problem anymore.

As His Parents, You Need to Provide a United Front to Matt When You Talk to Him About His Drinking
Until now, Matt has been allowed to manipulate the situation at home because the two of you can't agree on what to do and you're arguing about it.

Naturally, Matt has been turning to his father, Dan, who is siding with him.  To this, I would say, "Dan, you're in denial about your son's problems and, even though I know you love Matt and want the best for him, what you're actually doing is enabling him to drink by minimizing the problem and giving him money which he's using to buy alcohol."

To Marie, I would say, "You picked up pretty quickly that there was something else going on that Matt wasn't telling you.  It's understandable, given your childhood history with a father who was an active alcoholic at the time, that you would be upset to discover that Matt is drinking excessively.  But it's important to remember, in order to preserve your well-being, that although it feels similar to what you experienced as a child, you're an adult now and you have a greater capacity to cope and a lot more options than when you were a child.  At some point, after this crisis, it would be helpful for you to work through that earlier trauma in therapy because might be getting triggered in this situation."

But, for now, it's important that you listen to each other and come up with a compromise that you can both live with and then present it to Matt as a united front.

It's important not to be judgmental or harsh when you talk to Matt.  He has a problem and he needs help.  Be empathetic but also clear and firm about your expectations.

It's also important for you to be supportive of one another throughout this process.

Setting Boundaries and Rules For Your Household
Your son is an adult who is living in your household and you have the right to set rules if he wants to continue to live there.  He doesn't have to like your rules, but he needs to follow them.  Decide beforehand what the consequences will be if he doesn't follow your rules.

Doing an Intervention and Alcoholics Anonymous
If talking to Matt isn't enough, the family could benefit from doing an intervention.  In this particular case, there are a couple of routes you could go.

One possibility is that you could hire a professional to do an intervention with the family, although this tends to be costly and, in most cases, your insurance won't pay for it.

Another possibility, in this particular case, involves Marie's father, who is in recovery and has been sober for many years.  He could talk to Matt about his experience of being a person who actively abused alcohol in the past, how he got sober, and what he's doing to maintain his sobriety.

Marie's Father, Who is in Recovery and Sober For Many Years, Could Speak With Matt

He could also take Matt to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting (click on link for a list of meetings in your area).

Going to Al-Anon
Alcoholism is a family disease because it affects the whole family--not just the person who is drinking.  Al-Anon is a wonderful resource for families (click on link for meeting list).  These 12 Step meetings are free and, although no one will give you advice on what you can do for your particular problem, you'll hear many people, who were once in your shoes, speak about what has worked for them. Al-Anon will help you take care of yourself.

Going to Couples Counseling With a Licensed Mental Health Professional Who Has Expertise Helping Families With Substance Abuse Problems
If you're stuck because either you can't come up with a compromise that you can each live with or you come up against another obstacle along the way that you're unable to surmount as a couple, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional who has expertise helping families with substance abuse problems.

When you're dealing with a child who has substance abuse problems, especially if s/he is living at home, you can feel like your whole world has been turned upside down.

Sometimes, the most challenging and painful outcome is that your adult child refuses to get help.  Since your child is an adult, you can can't force him to do what you want, and nagging or pleading will often make matters worse.

See my article:  When Someone You Love Rejects Your Help.

If the problem persists, it can jeopardize your relationship.  Before that happens, do what many families before you have done--get help from a licensed therapist to work through this problem.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.  I am also a certified Substance Abuse Professional.

To find out more about me, visit my web site:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

People Who Abuse Alcohol Often Don't Get the Help They Need

People who abuse alcohol or who are alcohol dependent frequently don't get the help they need to overcome their alcoholism for variety of reasons.  For one thing, people who abuse alcohol are often in denial about their alcoholism.  They often don't admit their problem to themselves or to others who can help them.  Shame is a major factor in their denial.  They often tell themselves, "I can stop whenever I want to," which keeps them from admitting their problem or from getting help.

People Who Abuse Alcohol Often Don't Get the Help They Need

People with Alcohol Problems Are Often Good at Hiding Their Drinking
Even when people who abuse alcohol admit to themselves that they have a problem, they're often very invested in hiding their problem from loved ones, their employers, and even their doctors.

People With Alcohol Problems Are Often Good at Hiding Their Drinking

Doctors usually don't have the time and many are not knowledgeable enough about the signs of alcoholism to ask the right questions during routine exams (see link to article below).

Families Often Collude and Enable People with Alcohol Problems
Families often, either knowingly or unknowingly collude in the problem by enabling the person who is abusing alcohol.

People Who Abuse Alcohol Often Don't Get the Help They Need:  Family Problems

More than one spouse, who was married to a husband who abused alcohol, has told me that she would rather buy him the alcohol and maintain peace in the household rather than have the husband create havoc because he's craving alcohol he doesn't have.  One person told me, "Once he has his beer, he goes in the den, drinks, and he doesn't bother anybody."  Often, this sad state of affairs can go on for many years.

Employers Often Collude and Enable People with Alcohol Problems
It's not unusual for employers, who might recognize that an employee has a drinking problem, to look the other way.  When I was a human resources manager and I asked managers why they allowed a certain employee to continue to come to work drunk, I was often told something along the lines of, "Well, Joe is a good guy.  I didn't want to get him in trouble."

Untreated Alcoholism Can Cause Serious Medical Problems
What people often don't realize, and this includes the person who is abusing alcohol and the people in his or her life, is that untreated alcoholism can cause serious medical problems.  It can even be fatal.  Late stage alcoholism can include severe memory problems and other cognitive impairments.

Alcoholism can lead to heart attack, stroke, and kidney and liver failure.  Alcoholism also often destroys families.  It is also one of the main causes of car accidents and vehicular homicide.  It costs companies millions in lost productivity.

Alcoholism is a Medical Condition--Not a Moral Issue
Even though we now know that alcoholism is a medical condition, many people, including people who abuse alcohol, still see alcoholism as a moral issue.  They think that it's a moral failure and a failure of will on the part of the person with alcohol problems.   But this couldn't be further from the truth.  We don't moralize about other medical conditions--like diabetes.  But people with alcohol problems are still blamed, and they blame themselves, for their medical condition.  This creates a great deal of shame, which keeps the person with alcohol problems from getting help.

Getting Help:  Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.)
Rather than blaming themselves and trying to "white knuckle it" through, people with alcohol problems need to talk to other people who understand what they're going through.  I am a big proponent of Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.)

Sober people who attend A.A. understand the challenges involved with giving up alcohol and leading a sober life.  They're there to offer support when the person who is contemplating sobriety takes his or her first tentative steps to getting sober.  They know it's hard, but they also know that it can be done.

I usually recommend that people who are new to A.A. attend a beginner's meeting.  There are often people there who volunteer to be interim sponsors to people who are new to the program because they know that it's hard for newcomers to ask for help.  They can help new people to work the 12 Steps, starting with the first step, often the hardest for many people, to admit powerlessness over alcohol.

Sometimes, A.A. isn't enough and the person who wants to get sober might need to go to either an intensive outpatient program or an inpatient program.  In NYC, I've found, over the years, that both the Parallax Center, which also does outpatient detox, and Inter-Care are both very good outpatient programs.  Both of them offer intensive treatment.

If you have an alcohol problem, don't wait until you've "hit bottom" and you've lost everything.  Get the help that you need.  I've included resources below that you might find helpful.

Resources:
Alcoholics Anonymous:  http://aa.org

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Maintaining a Balanced Life During Early Recovery

Early recovery can be challenging.  It's not unusual for people in early recovery from alcohol or drugs (or other addictive behaviors) to struggle with how to maintain a balance between their recovery activities and life in general.

Maintaining a Balanced Life During Early Recovery

This assumes that individuals are ready to attend 12 Step meetings.  For many people, who have been traumatized emotionally, hearing some of the stories of other people's loss and trauma, can be retraumatizing of them.   For those people, attending therapy with a licensed mental health professional who has expertise with substance abuse and trauma is preferable.

Other people, who are in early recovery and who aren't triggered by going to meetings, are relieved to have a place in 12 Step meetings where they feel understood and they gain a new sense of hope and renewal.


But sometimes, by focusing only on 12 Step meetings, they neglect their primary relationships and responsibilities. The result is that their lives become unbalanced and this often causes conflicts with their families.

Early Recovery Requires Commitment

It's easy to see how things can become so unbalanced.

Early recovery involves a big commitment of time and energy. For many people in early recovery going to 12 Step meetings on a daily basis is the only thing standing in their way to keep them from acting on their cravings for alcohol and/or drugs.

 For them, the 12 Step slogan of "One Day at a Time" might be more like "One Minute at a Time" or "One Second at a Time" as they struggle not to give in to those cravings.

The 12 Step meetings, the fellowship in the meetings, and their sponsors are like life lines. If they're already suffering from substance abuse-related health problems, early recovery activities could be all that's keeping them from death's door.

But the toll this can take on family and close relationships can be huge.

Initially, spouses or partners of people in early recovery are usually so glad that their loved one stopped abusing substances and gotten help. These family members might have been asking and pleading with their loved one to get help for years. But when they see that early recovery activities seem to have taken over their loved one's life, they often feel disappointed and alienated from their loved one.

Whereas before their loved one wasn't available to them because of the substance abuse, now they feel he or she isn't around because of early recovery activities. This can be very disappointing and frustrating. It can lead to arguments as family members ask for more time and attention.

 People in early recovery, in turn, often feel that spouses and family members don't understand. They might begin to shut down emotionally even when they are around their spouses and families. All of this can lead to further alienation and a sense of hopelessness for everyone involved.

Repairing Relationships During Early Recovery

What can be done to repair these relationships and to achieve balance?

Well, to start, the person in early recovery can benefit from talking to people in the 12 Step rooms who have a lot more experience and success in recovery and who have learned to achieve balance in their lives.

Learning to achieve this balance can be a challenge, especially if the person new to recovery might never have led a balanced life before.

A seasoned sponsor can help someone in early recovery to navigate through this challenge to help achieve this balance.

With more experience in recovery, this often happens more easily, as compared to the early stages of recovery.

Spouses and loved ones of people in early recovery can benefit from attending Al-Anon to get support and a sense of hope. Sponsorship is also available to them in Al-Anon.

Getting Help in Therapy
A licensed therapist with expertise in substance abuse and trauma can help clients in recovery to develop the necessary coping skills to maintain a balanced life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist who provides psychotherapy services to individuals and couples, including contemporary dynamic talk therapy, EMDR, clinical hypnosis, and Somatic Experiencing.

Helping clients with substance abuse and emotional trauma are among my specialities.

To find out more a out me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Early Recovery: You've Stopped Drinking. Now What?

Early recovery can be a challenging time for a person struggling with alcoholism and his or her family. Putting the alcohol down is a positive step which, in itself, can be difficult.

Early Recovery: You've Stopped Drinking. Now What?

For many people, who suffer with alcoholism, alcohol represents a "friend" who is always there to comfort and soothe. The thought of giving up drinking can be very scary during the early stages of recovery. But, beyond that, once you've made the decision to stop drinking, you'll need emotional support and the tools of recovery to help you cope with the challenges that most people face when they're newly sober.

So, what are the challenges of early recovery? 
Well, to start, once you're newly sober, you might find that drinking might have been a maladaptive way of self medicating depression, anxiety or other emotional problems. Alcohol might have done a "good job" of masking a mood disorder that is now more readily apparent.

Early Recovery: You've Stopped Drinking.  Now What?

Early on, when you first experience the discomfort of these feelings, you might be tempted to pick up again. But, before you do, recognize that many people have successfully stopped drinking and have learned new ways of coping with an underlying mood disorder that was masked by excessive drinking.

During early recovery, don't try to go it alone:
Aside from psychotherapy, getting social support in Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.) or Rational Recovery is often the first best step in getting help to overcome the challenges of early recovery. Meeting other people, who have successfully navigated through the challenges of early recovery and who maintain their sobriety, can feel like a life line. "One Day At A Time" is not just an empty slogan--it's an important coping strategy. Getting phone numbers from A.A. members, reading the literature, attending meetings on a regular basis, and getting a sponsor are all important aspects in recovery.

Psychotherapy with a therapist who has expertise in early recovery can be helpful in dealing with the underlying emotional issues that often come to the surface when you stop drinking. An experienced therapist can help you to learn new coping skills to overcome a mood disorder and face life's challenges as a newly sober person. Beyond psychotherapy, you might need medication for a period of time to help you with the biochemical changes to the brain that alcoholism often causes.

Repairing your relationships:

Once you've stopped drinking, you and your loved ones might need to repair your relationships. Your spouse and children might be very happy that you've put down the alcohol, but they might also have resentments for the emotional damage that has been done by your drinking. Making amends isn't easy, but it's an important part of recovery. It's important to listen to what your family has to say and to take responsibility for your actions. Repairing these relationships begins by listening in an non-defensive way, not making excuses, and then expressing a heartfelt apology. Repair doesn't happen over night. You'll need to regain your family's trust over time. But taking these first steps are crucial.

Early Recovery: Repairing Your Relationships 

Beyond that, even though your spouse might have wanted you to get sober, when you do become sober, this is a change for you and your family. Change, even positive change, can be difficult and stressful. For instance, when you were actively drinking, your spouse might have been the one to make major decisions about money or child rearing. But now that you're sober, you want to participate in the decision making. For your spouse, sharing these responsibilities with you now, after years of doing this on her or his own, isn't easy. And you might need to develop certain skills that you missed developing while you were actively drinking.

Al-Anon for family members:

I usually recommend that spouses of people in alcohol recovery attend Al-Anon to get their own support. It's easy to under estimate the challenges of this stage in a relationship. Developing internal resources, coping skills, learning to overcome codependent behavior, and getting social support are part of what Al-Anon is all about. A relationship is a two-way street. Often, it's easy to point the finger of blame on the person struggling with alcoholism. It's usually harder to see the role of the spouse in this dynamic.

The rewards of getting sober:

The challenges of early recovery can be difficult but not insurmountable. The rewards that come with living life as a sober person usually outweigh the challenges. A healthy sense of pride, an increase in self esteem, and an overall sense of well-being are among the benefits you can experience when you decide to stop drinking and get healthy.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist. 

I provide psychotherapy services to individuals and couples, including talk therapy, hypnotherapy, EMDR, and Somatic Experiencing.

I have worked with many individuals and couples to help them to successfully overcome addictive and codependent behavior.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my article:
Asking for Forgiveness: The Power of Making Amends