The Problem With Comparative Suffering

During the early days of the pandemic, Dr. Brene Brown, researcher, social worker and author, discussed the topic of comparative suffering and why it's harmful to everyone involved.

The Problem With Comparative Suffering

During that time, many people were suffering with sadness, fear, anger and a mixture of emotions, and many also had physical symptoms from the virus as well.  Unfortuntely, many others died.

People were engaging in comparative suffering by either dismissing their own feelings or dismissing the feelings of others, which wasn't helpful to anyone.

Aside from the pandemic, comparative suffering is common, so it's worth taking a moment to understand it.

What is Comparative Suffering?

Let's start by defining comparative suffering.

Comparative suffering is comparing your emotional pain to others--either favorably or unfavorably.

I often hear clients compare their suffering to others by invalidating their own feelings, "I have no right to feel bad about what I'm going through. Look at Mary. She has it much worse than me."

Other clients feel resentful when they hear other people talking about their suffering because these clients believe they have it much worse than those people, so they invalidate other people's feelings, "They have it so much better than me. They should stop complaining."

As you can see, these types of comparisons either invalidate your own suffering or the suffering of others--as if there exists a scarcity of compassion to go around.

Suffering is suffering.  

There's no hierarchy of suffering that invalidates anyone's experience.

Examples of Comparative Suffering

The following fictional examples illustrate comparative suffering.

    Invalidating Your Own Experience

Mary 

While talking about how sad and helpless she felt watching her mother suffer from a serious illness, Mary sighed and said, "I shouldn't complain. My neighbor, Betty, lost her husband and younger child in a car accident. At least my mother is alive and still with me."

John

As he was discussing how good he felt about reaching his goal of losing 15 pounds in five months, John's tone changed when he said, "My accomplishment is nothing compared to my friend, Bill, who lost 20 pounds in two months."

Alice

Alice was talking about how frightened she felt after she heard the police were looking for a burglar in her neighborhood. Then, she looked embarrassed and said, "I don't know why I'm afraid because the woman across the street was robbed, and I haven't been robbed. I should be grateful instead of being scared."

    Invalidating Other People's Experiences

Bill

Bill was feeling resentful towards his friend, Joe, who told Bill he would have to take a 10% pay cut because business was bad at Joe's company.  During their conversation, Bill was silent, but later on when he got home, he said to his wife, "I wanted to tell Joe, 'Stop complaining!' Even with a 10% pay cut, he's still making a lot more money than I do.  He has nothing to complain about!

Sara

While she was talking to her friends, Sara recounted a conversation she had with her friend, Janet, "I can't believe she was complaining she didn't get the part she wanted on Broadway! Imagine her feeling sorry for herself about that when I can't even get a part as an extra. She has nothing to complain about!"

Richard

After he got home from work and his wife, Jane, toldl him she was exhausted from a full day at work and trying to put their six month old child to sleep, Richard responded to her by saying, "My mother worked two jobs and raised my brothers and me by herself. You have it easy compared to her."

The Problem With Comparative Suffering

Regardless of which way you use comparative suffering, it can lead to:

• Denial of your own emotions or others' emotions, which can cause shame, fear, loneliness or resentment

• Feelings of guilt and shame when you invalidate your feelings or resentment when you invalidate or dismiss other people's suffering

• Acting like suffering is a contest where you compare yourself to others

• Feeling there is a scarcity of compassion to go around

• Making assumptions about how much better or worse others have it compared to you

• Feeling isolated and lonely because you think no one can understand what you're going through

• Difficulty feeling proud of your accomplishments when you compare yourself unfavorably to others

Tips on How to Overcome Comparative Suffering

Overcoming comparative suffering can be challenging, especially if you have been in the habit of doing it for a long time.  

Here are some tips that might be helpful:

• Pay attention to how often you compare yourself, either favorably or unfavorably, to others. Challenge your thought patterns. Then, replace your thoughts with: There's enough compassion to go around--including self compassion.

• Practice self compassion when you're tempted to put yourself down or invalidate your own experience. Remember: Suffering is suffering.

• Practice compassion for others by trying to see their suffering from their perspective instead of seeing it only from your own limited perspective

• Remember: It's not a competition between you and others

• Be aware that over the course of a long friendship or other close relationship you and your loved ones will probably need emotional support from each other. So, if you have been emotionally supportive of others, allow them to be emotionally supportive of you.  And, if others have been emotionally supportive of you, extend your emotional support and compassion to them as well.

Get Help in Therapy

As I mentioned earlier, comparative suffering can be a hard habit to break.

Whether you tend to lack compassion for yourself or others, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the underlying issues keeping you stuck in comparative suffering so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: WHAT IS A TRAUMA SPEC?)

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.