Breaking an Unhealthy Habit With Pattern Interruption

Breaking an unhealthy habit can be challenging, especially a longstanding habit.  As I discussed in an earlier article about smoking cessation, one way to break a bad habit is using a pattern interrupt, which is the topic of this article.

Breaking an Unhealthy Habit With Pattern Interruption

Healthy habits and routines are a valuable part of life because they get reinforced automatically after a while.  For instance, relaxing, reading a book or listening to calming music might be part of the pattern that reinforces healthy sleep hygiene.  

In the same way that healthy habits get reinforced through certain patterns, unhealthy habits get reinforced in the same way.  So, although there is no one way to break bad habits that works for everyone, one method that works for many people is to interrupt the pattern.

Steps to Breaking an Unhealthy Habit

The following method is one that I use when I work with clients who want to stop smoking. Although I use it with clinical hypnosis, it can be used without hypnosis for almost any unhealthy habit that you want to change:

• Set Up a Chart For Yourself: Get clear on what you want to change.  Focus on one unhealthy habit rather than trying to change two or more at the same time.  At the top of a chart write down what you want to change (e.g., smoking habit, nail biting, stress eating, etc). It doesn't have to be a fancy chart. It can be something simple, which has the following columns:
• Date and Time
• Trigger and Emotion
• Reward
• Small Change You Can Make

• Get Curious: Rather than being critical, get curious about your habit. If you find yourself getting judgmental, ask yourself if you would be as judgmental towards your best friend who was making an effort to change (see my article: Overcoming the Internal Critic).
• 
  
• Fill Out the Chart With the Date, Trigger (or Cue) and Emotion: For instance, if you want to stop biting your nails, write down the date and time you bit your nails, the trigger that came just before you bit your nails (e.g., you had a confrontation with a coworker, you argued with your spouse, etc), and the emotion(s) you experienced with that trigger (anxiety, anger, sadness, etc).

• Identify the Reward: This can be challenging because rewards don't always look like rewards, so you might be unaware of them. But there is almost always a payoff for engaging in the bad habit. For instance, if you bite your nails whenever you get anxious, you might momentarily dissociate (zone out) from whatever is making you anxious, so biting your nails provides temporary relief.  Also, if you bite your nails very low, you might experience an endorphin release.  

• Identify a Small Change You Can Make: Rather than trying to stop engaging in the bad habit altogether, identify one small change you can make.  This can help you by not setting you up for failure by trying to make too big a change at once or eliminating the habit altogether. For smokers, a small change might be changing a brand or, if you smoke just before breakfast, change that habit so that you smoke after breakfast.  

• Identify Your Successes: Recognize that breaking an unhealthy habit can take time and effort, so don't focus on trying to do it "perfectly."  For example, if you're trying to stop biting your nails and you're able to do it for two days (when you've never been able to stop it before), identify this as a success and renew your efforts (see my article:  Achieving Your Goals: Learn to Celebrate Small Wins Along the Way).

Getting Help in Therapy

There are often unconscious reasons why people develop unhealthy habits, and these underlying reasons are difficult to identify on your own.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to identify the unconscious reasons that make it difficult to change and provide you with tools to succeed.

By seek help from a licensed mental health professional, you can make positive changes so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

How to Stop Worrying By Rewriting the Story You've Been Telling Yourself

I've written prior articles about worry, including: How to Stop Worrying: What is Chronic Worrying and Steps You Can Take to Stop Worrying.  Today I'm focusing on the stories you might be telling yourself that are causing you to worry, and how you can stop worrying by rewriting these stories.

Rewriting the Story You've Been Telling Yourself

People who tend to worry often tell themselves negative stories about what could happen in the future.  Sometimes, this is based on prior experiences and other times it's based on the imagination.

Worrying is often habitual--the more you do it, the more you're likely to continue to do it, so it's important to have some tools to overcome this habit.

One way to overcome habitual worrying is to become aware that you're telling yourself a particular story, and this story often has no basis in fact.

Once you've become aware that you've developed a habit of telling yourself negative stories that cause you to worry, you need to replace this pattern with something else, and one possibility is to rewrite your story with a different ending or several other possible endings that represent how you'd like things to turn out.

Rewriting the story isn't just a way to soothe yourself, it also makes you more aware of all the different possibilities that you're not considering when you only focus on negative possibilities.

It also opens up your mind to other creative solutions to your problem that you might not have considered before.

Here's an example:
Mary worried that she would never advance in her career.

Overcoming Worry: Rewriting the Story You're Telling Yourself

Her negative thoughts about herself kept her from proposing the kind of work projects to her boss where she could stand out and, at the same time, make a positive contribution to her organization.

Although she had many creative ideas, she worried that her ideas would be rejected, so she never mentioned them to her boss.

But she also realized that her colleagues often proposed ideas that were similar to the ones she kept to herself and they were often rewarded for them with career advancement and more money.

This was frustrating for Mary because she knew that she was talking herself out of putting her ideas forward by worrying that they would be rejected.

So, on the advice of her psychotherapist, Mary wrote out a story based on her worries and read it to herself out loud.

As soon as she heard herself read these words out loud, she knew that her worries were unfounded, but she still continued to worry.

Then, she began rewriting her story, which was a struggle for her because her habitual worrying about putting herself out there and her fear of a negative outcome had become so ingrained that it was hard for her to come up with a different ending other than the one that always played out in her head.

Since it was so hard for Mary to see anything but a negative outcome and reasons to worry, her therapist suggested that Mary write the story as if it was about someone else.

So, Mary wrote about a close friend, Susan, who had a similar problem, and it was much easier.

As Mary began to envision other ways for Susan to overcome her habitual worry and negative thoughts, she could see how Susan could be successful if she just stopped listening to the stories she was telling herself and persisted in her efforts.

After Mary rewrote her own story with Susan as the protagonist and she allowed Susan to have a successful ending to story, Mary was able to see that there was no reason why she couldn't take these steps herself.

As soon as she reread the story with a positive ending, something opened up in Mary and she had a flow of creative ideas about what she could do to write up her proposals for her boss and the what steps she could take.

Being able to see herself and her ideas in a new way was liberating for Mary, and she felt a renewed sense of creativity.

She also told herself, "What's the worst that can happen?" and she answered herself by telling herself that her ideas might be rejected, but she could live with that.  What she felt she could no longer live with was stifling herself and watching other people get rewarded for ideas that were similar to hers.

Within a short time, she gave her boss her proposal for a project to improve the organization and why she thought she would be the right person to head up this project. Her boss really liked her ideas and gave her the green light to go ahead.

Overcome Worry: Rewriting the Story You're Telling Yourself

A few months later, Mary succeeded with her  project and when a senior position opened up in the organization, her boss promoted her and gave her a substantial increase.

Psychological Trauma Can Get in the Way of Overcoming Habitual Worrying
For people who have experienced psychological trauma, it can be very difficult to let go of worrying because one of the symptoms of trauma is often hypervigiliance.

This means that the person is constantly worrying and anticipating what could go wrong, so they are constantly worrying.

For people who have experienced trauma, the suggestions that I've given in this article are often not enough.  They need help to overcome the trauma from a skilled psychotherapist.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you have difficulty stopping yourself from worrying, you could benefit from seeing a skilled licensed mental health professional.

Rather than suffering on your own, recognize that you're not alone.

With help from a licensed psychotherapist, you can stop worrying so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

An Unconscious Identification with a Loved One Can Create an Obstacle to Change

People who start therapy often wonder why it's so hard to change, so I want to address one of the major reasons why people have problems changing, which is an unconscious identification with a loved one.

An Unconscious Identification With a Loved One Can Create an Obstacle to Change

From the time that we're infants, we learn to identify with our caregivers, usually our parents.  Even as adults, we can continue to identify with loved ones.

The identification can include values, opinions, thoughts, feelings, habits and lifestyle choices.

The following fictional vignette, which is a composite of many different cases, provides an example of someone who comes to therapy to make a change, but who encounters an obstacle within himself that makes it difficult for him to change.

Rick
Rick came to therapy after his doctor advised him to stop smoking or he would face increasingly debilitating health consequences in addition to the ones he was already experiencing, including severe headaches, problems breathing and a persistent cough that wouldn't go away (see my article:  Do You Want to Stop Smoking?).

Struggling with Health Consequences of Smoking 

Before coming to therapy, Rick tried to stop smoking on his own.  But even though he wasn't feeling well because he was smoking two packs of cigarettes a day for several years, he couldn't stop.

He tried the nicotine patch and nicotine gum.  He tried to go "cold turkey," but nothing worked for him.  His wife pleaded with him to stop, to no avail.

Rick came for clinical hypnosis as a last resort.  He didn't have much faith that hypnosis would help him, but he was feeling desperate and decided to give it a try.

I began, as I often do with people who want to stop smoking, by asking Rick about his motivation to stop smoking.  He told me that he knew that he "should" because of his doctor's warning and his wife was also unhappy about his smoking.

Based on Rick's tone and the shrug of his shoulders, I could tell that his internal motivation wasn't strong, and he admitted this.  His motivation was mostly external as opposed to a strong internal motivation that is often needed to help people to stop smoking or to make other difficult changes.

 I took a history of Rick's use of tobacco, including his many attempts to stop on his own (see my article:  Becoming a Successful Nonsmoker).

We also discussed his pattern of smoking (when he smokes, what time, how often, etc) with the idea of using "pattern interruption" as a way to help him to break his habit.

As part of the pattern interruption, Rick agreed to change cigarette brands and to change where he smoked.  Interrupting the pattern in the rituals that Rick had for smoking was somewhat successful.  He was able to reduce his use from two packs to a pack a day and, a few sessions later, he reduced it to half a pack per day.

This was more than Rick had ever been able to do on his own.  He was also surprised that his cravings were reduced.  But, try as he might, he couldn't stop smoking altogether, and I realized that there was probably a strong unconscious underlying reason that was undermining our efforts.

In order to discover what Rick liked about smoking, he agreed to allow me to do a hypnotic induction.  While in a light hypnotic state, Rick expressed feeling very relaxed and, at the same time, he maintained a dual awareness of both his relaxed state and that he was sitting on a couch in my office.

I asked Rick to go back in his mind to the first time that he smoked and enjoyed it.  Rick remembered a pleasant summer day sitting on his grandfather's porch with his father and grandfather.  He remembered that it was after a great dinner that his grandmother had made and his grandfather was telling funny stories about his childhood.

He remembered how they all joked and laughed and how he realized that day how much he loved his father and grandfather.  He was particularly aware on that day of the strong bond he felt with them and how being allowed to sit with them, while the women in the family were in the house, made him feel proud, as if he was part of this exclusive "club"for the men in the family.

Many other similar happy memories of being with his grandfather and father came to his mind.  Just thinking of those memories brought tears to Rick's eyes.

Afterwards, as part of the debriefing in the session, Rick talked about how surprised he was to realize that when he smoked, he continued to feel a bond with his father and grandfather, both of whom he missed very much since they died.

No wonder it was so hard for Rick to give up smoking.  He had an unconscious identification with his father and grandfather through smoking cigarettes and it helped him feel connected to them even though they were both dead.

As he continued to talk about these two important men in his family, Rick said they were the two most important people in his life.  Then, he cried to think that he might give up this habit that kept him feeling connected to them.

During the next session, Rick and I talked about the strong bond that he felt with his teenage sons.  He often spent a lot of time with his sons and it was obvious that he was proud of them and loved them very much.

I asked Rick how he would feel if his sons began smoking.  Rick dismissed this idea.  He said that, even though he smoked, he had always told his sons not to smoke, and they promised him they never would start.  The idea of his sons smoking was so disturbing to him that he couldn't even consider the idea.

I told Rick, as tactfully as I could, that children learn more from what they see their parents do than what their parents tell them to do.  And, just like he started smoking as a way to bond with his father and grandfather, his children could do the same.

Rick acknowledged that this could happen, but he doubted that it would.  But if it did, he would never want to pick up a cigarette again because seeing his sons smoke would upset him too much.

By the end of that session, Rick began thinking about his place in the family--now that his father and grandfather were gone, he was the patriarch in the family and he wanted to set a good example for his sons.

When Rick came back the following week, he looked upset.  He told me that he was shocked to learn from his wife that his younger son, John was smoking and he had been keeping it a secret--until Rick's wife found a pack of cigarettes in John's pants pocket as she was sorting the laundry.

He said that after she told him about their son smoking, he sat by himself in the kitchen for a long feeling sad and upset.

How an Unconscious Identification with a Loved One Can Create an Obstacle to Change

He knew that if he confronted his son in an angry way, it would seem hypocritical to John.  So, he decided that, once and for all, he was going to give up smoking.  Hearing that his younger son had taken up smoking provided Rick with the motivation he needed to stop.  With the help of hypnotic suggestions, and his motivation to change Rick was able to stop smoking.

Several months later, when I followed up with Rick, he told me that he continued to be a successful nonsmoker and, shortly after he stopped, his son, John, also stopped.  Rick told me how proud he felt that he could "kick the habit" and he thought that his father and grandfather would also be very proud of him.  That feeling--that his father and grandfather would be proud of him--was another strong motivator for him to remain a successful nonsmoker.

Conclusion
Although the vignette above is a composite of many different cases, it has been my experience that, in many instances, an unconscious identification with a loved one can create an obstacle to change.

These identifications are usually not apparent at first.  A therapist, who is skilled at doing discovery work, can help clients to uncover the unconscious obstacle.

An Unconscious Identification with a Loved One Can Create an Obstacle to Change

As in the case with "Rick," a behavior or habit that represents a strong identification is often hard to change.

But, similar to the vignette above, if clients discover an even more compelling reason to change, as "Rick," that reason can help to transcend the original obstacle.

Getting Help in Therapy
Obstacles to change often include conscious and unconscious factors.

It is usually difficult to discover the unconscious factors on your own, which is one of the reasons why people come to therapy.

If you've having difficulty making changes, you could benefit from working with a skilled therapist who has experience helping clients to discover and overcome unconscious obstacles.

Discovering the unconscious obstacle is an initial step.  Developing the motivation to transcend the obstacle is what often leads to transformation.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Making and Keeping New Year's Resolutions

As a psychotherapist and hypnotherapist in New York City, this is the time of year when I see new clients coming to therapy because they've decided to make important changes in their lives. This is the time of year when many of us take stock, think about our lives, and make New Year's resolutions about the things that we want to change about ourselves. 

Making and Keeping New Year's Resolutions

Clinical hypnosis (also known as hypnotherapy) is a safe and effective way to change old habits and create new and positive changes. Whether you want to develop better communication skills in your relationship, change old eating habits, stop smoking, or create an overall healthier lifestyle, clinical hypnosis has helped thousands of people to overcome obstacles that were keeping them from making those changes on their own.

At the beginning of the New Year when people make their New Year's resolutions, many people start with enthusiasm, motivation and determination to make the changes that they want to see in their lives. However, after a month or two, many of those same people get frustrated and discouraged when they don't see the changes happening fast enough, and they abandon their efforts. When you work with a licensed mental health professional who has advanced training in clinical hypnosis, you're able to work more deeply on the unconscious issues that keep you from making the changes that you want to make. It's not as much of a struggle as when you try to do it on your own.

If you, like many others, are at the point when you've made your New Year's resolutions and you feel determined to make those changes, here are some tips that might be helpful:

Recognize that Change is a Process:
Since change is a process that happens over time, and usually not a one-time event, recognize that making changes, especially if you're trying to do it on your own, might take longer than you think.

Focus on Changing Your Behavior:
Instead of focusing on specific results (e.g., wanting to lose a specific amount of weight by a specific date), focus on changing your behavior. So, for instance, instead of saying, "I want to lose 15 lbs. by March 1st," focus on eating healthier and more nutritious meals. When you focus on healthier eating habits, your goal will be a broader change that will be longer lasting, more holistic and more effective than planning for particular weight loss. You're also more likely to keep off any weight that you've lost when you have a broader goal.

Choose Only One or Two Changes at a Time:
If you overwhelm yourself with too many New Year's resolutions at a time, you are probably setting yourself up for failure. Choosing one or two behaviors that you would like to change is more likely to be effective. As you see positive changes in those one or two areas that you want to change, you'll feel more confident about yourself. Then, after you've consolidated your gains in these areas, you can consider other areas that you'd like to change.

Decide What You'd Like to Add to Your Life As Well:
When you decide to make a change in yourself, decide what you'd like to add to your life as well. So, for instance, if you want to stop smoking and you know that you tend to smoke when you get anxious, think about what pleasant activities you can substitute for your old smoking habit when you feel triggered by anxiety. Attending a yoga class, going to the gym, talking to a friend, learning to meditate, or some other healthy activity that you would enjoy, might be among the activities that you choose to add to your life. So, it's not just about "giving up smoking." The overall goal is to lead a healthier life, you're learning new coping skills for when you get anxious, and you're also adding healthy activities to create greater happiness in your life.

Recognize that You Might Slip Back into Old Behaviors:
This gets back to the idea that change is a process. So, it's better not to engage in all-or-nothing thinking when you're trying to make changes in your life. Recognize that you might slip back into the old behaviors that you're trying to change. Plan for these slips so that you're prepared if and when they occur. For many people, this is the time when they become frustrated and they give up on their New Year's resolutions. So, rather than berating yourself and giving up, acknowledge that you're human, you had a slip, recommit to your goal and move on.

Consider Clinical Hypnosis:
If you've tried all of the above suggestions and you find that you're still struggling to keep those New Year's resolutions that are so important to you, you might want to consider attending clinical hypnosis sessions with a licensed mental health professional who has advanced training in hypnotherapy.

Remember, there's a big difference between a lay "hypnotist" and a licensed mental health professional who is a hypnotherapist. While the "hypnotist" might know some hypnotic techniques, the licensed mental health professional who is a hypnotherapist has advanced therapeutic training and is recognized as a licensed professional in your State.

I am a licensed psychotherapist and hypnotherapist in NYC. I have helped many clients to make positive changes so they can lead more fulfilling lives.

I wish everyone a Happy and Healthy New Year.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Stop Comparing Yourself Unfavorably to Others

All of us compare ourselves to others at one time or another.  From the time we're born, someone is comparing us to others--if we were bigger or smaller than our siblings, how we behaved compared to other babies, and so on.  The comparisons continue throughout childhood ("Why can't you be more like your brother?").  So, is it any wonder that many people spend their lives comparing themselves unfavorably with others? 

Stop Comparing Yourself Unfavorably to Others

The problem is that when you make a habit out of comparing yourself unfavorably to others, you make yourself feel inadequate:

• "She's so much thinner than I am."
• "He makes more money than I do."
• "He's funnier than I am."
• "She's prettier than I am."

When you find yourself always on the losing end of the comparison, you're reinforcing a negative habit that will keep you immersed in shame.

Some Tips to Stop Comparing Yourself Unfavorably With Others:

• Recognize that everyone is different and each of us has unique qualities.

• Be aware that, even though you might think that you're being "objective" in your comparisons, people often project their own sense of self doubt into their comparisons.

• Transform feelings of envy toward others into admiration, and if there's something that you can learn from someone that might help you to make a positive change, be open to discovering it.

Learn to Develop a Sense of Gratitude 

When you allow yourself to be consumed by envy, you're making yourself miserable.  Envy can be very corrosive, and it has a way of feeding on itself.

If you're constantly comparing yourself to people that you think have more than you do, try comparing yourself to others who have less.  When you recognize that you might be more fortunate than many other people, you have an opportunity to develop a sense of gratitude for what you do have rather than yearning for what you don't.  

Keep a gratitude journal where every day you write down three things that you're grateful for--no matter how small.  This will help to realize how many things you have to be grateful for in your life that you might be overlooking.

A Worthy Challenge:  From Envy to Gratitude

Changing an ingrained habit isn't easy.  But changing an ingrained negative habit of comparing yourself unfavorably to others and developing a sense of gratitude for what you do have is worth the effort.  

Getting Help in Therapy

Certain ingrained habits are difficult to change on your own, especially when longstanding habits are rooted in shame.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that you can't overcome on your own, so rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Habitual Negative Thinking

Have you ever taken the time to observe your thought patterns? Stepping back to observe how you think and the kinds of thoughts that might be dominating your conscious mind can provide an interesting window into what might be driving your attitudes and behaviors about yourself and others as well the types of decisions you're making.

Overcoming Habitual Negative Thinking

Very often, we might not notice these patterns in ourselves and we might not think about it until someone else, usually a person who is close to us, points it out to us. That person might point out that we are compulsive worriers or that we tend to engage in a lot of negative thinking or some other type of habitual thinking.

How to Develop the Ability to Observe Your Own Thoughts:
Developing the ability to observe our own thought patterns might sound like it would be easy. But it assumes that you have developed a certain awareness in yourself and that you're able to step back from your own habitual ways of thinking to look at your own thought process. For most people who are learning to do this, initially, they might find it easier to recognize their thought patterns after the fact.

For instance, a person who has just had an argument with his or her spouse, might think about what lead to the argument in the first place once the situation has calmed down. In one situation, a husband might realize that he was already feeling irritable when he snapped at his wife. In another situation, a wife might realize that she was anticipating that her husband was about to say something that would annoy her, so she reacted with anger. Whatever the situation might be, it requires an ability to temporarily let go of your reactions and the content of whatever you reacted to in order to turn inward to observe what's going on inside you.

Overcoming Habitual Negative Thinking: Developing the Ability to Observe Your Thoughts

Many people develop this ability of turning inward with relative ease. Usually, these are people who tend to be psychologically minded and curious about their own thought process and how if affects their behavior. They might have learned to do this as part of their own psychological development while they were growing up. Perhaps their parents taught them to think about their behavior when they were growing up. Or, if they didn't grow up with this ability, they might have learned it as part of their psychological development in psychotherapy or through a meditative practice. However this ability is developed, it's very useful to help us grow and develop within ourselves as well as in our relationships.

What is Habitual Negative Thinking?
Well, first of all, habitual means that it tends to be a recurring pattern. These thoughts aren't the occasional, random thoughts that might pop up in your head. They're ongoing and persistent ways of thinking that tend to be negative without any objective or verifiable evidence to substantiate them.

Examples of habitual negative thinking might be: "Nothing ever goes right." "Whenever I try to do something, something always goes wrong." "I'm never going to amount to anything, so why bother to try." And I'm sure you can think of many others. As you can see from just these few examples and others that you might think of, it's a negative way of looking at yourself, others, and the world in general.

Why Is Habitual Negative Thinking Harmful?
If we think of our thoughts as determining our action, we can begin to see how habitual negative thinking can become a major obstacle in our lives. So, if your particular habitual thought pattern is that "Nothing ever goes right," you can begin to see how this would affect you if you're thinking about making changes in your life, in your relationships, your career, and so on. Before you can even take the first step to make changes that might be necessary and important, you'll feel discouraged because "if nothing ever goes right," why bother? These habitual negative thoughts keep you stuck in whatever situation you might find yourself in, leaving you feeling hopeless and without a solution.

The following fictionalized scenario is an example of how habitual negative thinking is a problem, how it developed, and how it can be overcome:

Tom:
As an only child, Tom grew up in a household with two very angry parents. His parents were constantly arguing with each other, hurling accusations at each other and, after their arguments, often not talking for days at a time. When Tom was a young child and his parents began arguing, he would go into his room and put his pillow over his ears. But, try as he might, these arguments were so loud that he could still hear them.

Whenever this happened, Tom would get very frightened, but there was no one to talk to about it because his parents were consumed with their anger for each other. Even after the loud arguments stopped, each of his parents would be smoldering in separate parts of the house. When the loud arguing stopped, Tom would open his door a crack and listen for a minute, and if he didn't hear any more arguing, he would tiptoe out of his room gingerly, hoping to go unnoticed. His parents never hit him or physically abused him in any way. They provided for his basic needs. But they were totally unaware of how their heated arguments affected Tom.

Once Tom felt the coast was clear, he would come downstairs. Often, he would sit at the kitchen table and watch his mother cook. After one of those loud arguments, his mother would often bang pots on the stove and slam cabinet doors, making Tom wince. He would sit quietly, waiting to see what happened next before he dared to say anything. Often, at those times, his mother would say, "Life stinks" or some other similar comment. Tom was never quite sure if she was talking to him or talking to herself because his mother had a far away look in her eyes. At the same time, his mother would put a glass of milk in front of him and encourage him to drink it so even though she wasn't looking at him, he knew that she was aware of his presence.

Afterwards, he usually went down to the basement where his father had his tool shop to see what his father was doing. His father would usually retreat to his tool shop after one of these arguments and tinker around. Tom would sit at the edge of one of the steps and watch his father work. When his father realized that Tom was there, he would often say to him, "Don't ever get married Tommy. You'll regret it. Nothing you do will ever be right, according to your wife. "

These scenes occurred with such frequency that Tom grew up to be a very anxious child and a pessimistic young man. Not only were his parents giving him these ongoing negative messages, but they were so consumed and angry with each other that they weren't present for Tom emotionally. They were so overburdened by their own unhappiness that they didn't take the time to encourage him in any way or to give him hope about his future.

Without realizing it, these constant arguments and negative messages formed Tom's way of thinking about himself, others and the world in general. Tom went through life just "getting by." He was an average student in school, and he made a few friends along the way, but he had no hopes or dreams for the future. His expectations for himself and for others remained low. He didn't try out for sports or initiate any projects on his own because his thought, "Why bother? It's not going to work out."

All of this came to a head when he was in his mid-20s and he met Carol. He was attracted to Carol and sensed that there was something special about her, but he was too anxious to ask her out. Being an outgoing and confident young woman, Carol liked Tom and she asked him out on a date. As they continued to see each other, Carol was the one who continued to initiate steps to take their relationship to the next level. But, after a while, she became frustrated with what she sensed was Tom's ambivalence and fear to develop a relationship with her. She also began to see how pessimistic he was and how he held himself in general. So, she talked to him about it and suggested that he start psychotherapy.

The idea of participating in psychotherapy was daunting to Tom and, at first, he brushed it off by telling Carol that he didn't believe in psychotherapy and he didn't think it would make a difference for him. But Carol persisted and, after a while, Tom realized that his relationship with Carol was on the line and he didn't want to lose her. So, very reluctantly, Tom sought out a psychotherapist for individual therapy.

At first, Tom's motivation was external and was driven by his fear of losing Carol. But as his therapy progressed and Tom learned to observe his own thoughts and how they affected him and his relationship, he became more internally motivated. This didn't happen over night. It was more of a gradual process. But as he began to realize that he had particular negative thoughts that were habitual, he became curious about his internal world. He also began to realize why he often felt anxious and fearful much of the time.

As he became more self observant and curious, he started questioning his perceptions about himself, others and about life. He began to see the distortions in his thinking and that, often, there was no objective evidence for why he thought the way that he did.

Overcoming Habitual Negative Thinking

It was hard, at first, to make changes in his thought patterns because they were so ingrained in him. As he did this, he began to open up to new experiences, both emotionally in his internal world as well as externally in his relationship with Carol and his attitudes about the world around him. He found it to be a liberating experience as he let go of the thoughts and attitudes that he internalized from his parents and developed his own way of thinking. This, in turn, helped to improve his relationship with Carol and enabled Tom to venture out more into the world to take risks. Overall, he felt happier than he had ever been.

The above example is one way that a person can develop negative habitual thinking. It's relatively easy to see a connection between Tom's home environment when he was growing up and how formative it was in his development. However, often, it's not as obvious to see. Sometimes, the factors that influence of the development of negative habitual thinking are much more subtle and not as obvious to see. Often, these connections are hard to make on your own without the help of a trusted friend or partner or the help of a licensed mental health professional.

Overcoming Habitual Negative Thinking:

The first step in overcoming any negative habit is to become aware of it. Often, it takes courage to step back from your own ingrained way of thinking to question yourself about whether your way of thinking has distortions and if, objectively, they're accurate.

Often, people wait until there is the potential for some loss, either involving a relationship or a career before they seek help to overcome habitual negative thinking. Sometimes, it takes a crisis or the threat of a crisis to bring people into therapy to work on this issue. It's not ideal in terms of overcoming a problem but, for many people, it's what finally motivates them to get help.

Many people learn to overcome habitual negative thinking. They might start out with a lot of mixed feelings about the process, but if they have a sense of curiosity and a willingness to look at their own thought process to make changes, they're often successful.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you think you engage in habitual negative thinking, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional to overcome this problem. Often, just starting the process of talking to a psychotherapist can begin to open up your mind to new possibilities. It takes a certain amount of courage and hope that you might not readily feel, but often taking the first step can lead you to take other important steps along the way.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Becoming a Successful Nonsmoker

Do you want to stop smoking?

Have you tried to stop smoking before, stopped for a while and then relapsed?

Becoming Successful Nonsmoker

Clinical hypnosis can be a very effective tool to help you stop smoking without the side effects of the drugs, nicotine patches and other methods used to stop smoking.

Noticing Your Smoking Patterns:
When clients come to me to become successful nonsmokers, I ask them to start by noticing and tracking their smoking patterns and triggers:

For each cigarette smoked in a day:

What was your emotional state at the time? (angry, anxious, sad, happy, etc)

What was going on at the time?

Who were you with at the time?

Where were you? Location: at work, at home, walking the dog, in the car?

What is your smoking style for each cigarette? How much of the cigarette did you smoke? How many in a row?

Of the times that you smoked, which times would be easiest to give up? For instance, would it be easier to give up the cigarette you have with your morning coffee? Would it be more difficult to give up the cigarette that helps you to calm down when you're angry with your supervisor?

Breaking the Smoking Pattern:

At the start of treatment, I also ask clients to start by changing one particular habit involved with their smoking. So, for instance, they can change their cigarette brand, change when they smoke (if they usually smoke after meals, maybe they would smoke before a meal) or make another change, no matter how small.

This is called pattern interruption and, when you're trying to break a habit, it's usually very effective as a way to start breaking the habitual patterns. This can also work for other habits that you want to break.

Smoking History:
I also want to get a smoking history during the first session:

When and how did you start smoking?

How long have you been smoking?

With whom do you smoke (e.g., spouse, smoking buddies)?

Are there people who are close to you that smoke?

Has there been anyone close to you who got sick or died from a smoking-related illness?

Have you successfully quit smoking before for a while? If so, for how long? What worked?

What triggered the relapse?

What successful experiences have you had in breaking other habits before?

Why do you want to stop?

How do you think that becoming a successful nonsmoker will affect your life?

Are there certain people who will not be happy if you stop smoking (smoking buddies, spouses who want to continue smoking with you)?

What problems are you anticipating (e.g., weight gain, switching to other habits)?

After I have information about your smoking triggers, smoking patterns, and smoking history, I develop an individualized plan that will be most effective for you as an individual client.

Many people have become successful nonsmokers using clinical hypnosis.
If you want to become a successful nonsmoker, you could benefit from clinical hypnosis. If you've been thinking about stopping but you've been putting it off, consider the benefits of becoming a successful nonsmoker to your health, your overall well being, the health of those around you, and your wallet (cigarettes have become increasingly expensive, as I'm sure you know).

Becoming a Successful Nonsmoker

For more information about the health benefits of smoking cessation, visit the American Cancer Society website: http://www.cancer.org.

Consider all these factors and make a decision to get help today.

About Me
I'm a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing. 

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped clients to become successful nonsmokers.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.