Nonmonogamy: Avoiding the Potential Pitfalls of "Don't Ask Don't Tell" Relationships

There are many different kinds of consensual nonomonogamous relationships. 

Don't ask don't tell is just one of them which I'll discuss in this article (see my article: What is Consensual Nonmonogamy?)

What Are Don't Ask Don't Tell (DADT) Relationships?

Generally speaking, in DADT relationships partners agree not to tell each other about the sexual or romantic relationships they have with other people. 

Avoiding the Pitfalls of Don't Ask Don't Tell

Here are some of the most common aspects of DADT relationships:

• Focusing is on the Primary Relationship: DADT relationships allows partners to have other sexual or romantic experiences without divulging information about these relationships to each other. This allows each partner to have a degree of autonomy outside the relationship. At the same time, each person prioritizes the primary relationship. 

• Avoiding Conflict: Some couples choose DADT to avoid conflict, jealousy or hurt feelings. This helps some couples to manage the complexities of being in multiple relationships.

• Avoiding Details About Other Relationships: Whereas couples who believe in healthy privacy know about their other relationships (although maybe not all the details), DADT couples avoid discussing other relationships they might be in.

What Are the Potential Pitfalls of Don't Ask Don't Tell Relationships?

DADT can be difficult to maintain and it can lead to misunderstandings if information somehow leaks out and gets back to one or both of the partners.

Avoiding the Pitfalls of Don't Ask Don't Tell

A couple needs to have good communication within the relationship as well as respect for each other's boundaries and the boundaries of the relationship. DADT shouldn't be used as a way to get around poor communication in the relationship.

They must also be able to cope with unforeseen circumstances (see Vignette 1 below).

Clinical Vignettes:

The following clinical vignettes are composites of many cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

Vignette 1. Bob and Peter

Three years into their relationship, Bob talked to Peter about wanting to open up the relationship. Peter wasn't enthusiastic about having an open relationship, but he went along with Bob's wishes because he knew Bob liked sexual variety more than he did and he didn't want to deprive Bob from having those experiences. So they agreed that since Bob traveled a lot for work, he could have sexual affairs with other men while he was away on a trip but not when he was at home in New York City. Peter told Bob he didn't want to know any details about these other men. They both agreed these affairs were only sexual and that Peter wouldn't get emotionally involved with anyone. But three months later, Bob revealed he had formed an emotional attachment with another man who lived in Dallas and the other man wanted to move to New York City to see Bob more often. This news precipitated a crisis in their relationship.

Avoiding the Pitfalls of Don't Ask Don't Tell

Peter felt upset that, even though they both agreed that outside relationships would only be sexual, Bob had fallen in love. Now they were faced with this unforeseen circumstance which Bob was very unhappy about. They both agreed that Bob should put this other relationship on hold and the two of them would attend couples therapy to sort out their relationship. The result was that Bob knew he had broken their agreement. He hadn't intended on developing feelings for another man, but it happened because he disregarded their agreement to only see other people once or twice. At the same time, he didn't want to lose Peter so he broke off his other relationship. Then, Bob and Peter worked on coming up with a better nonmonogamous agreement for their relationship. Until they had their agreement, they agreed to remain monogamous.

Vignette 2. Sue and Ed

When Sue and Ed got together, Sue had a lot more relationship experience than Ed. Ed didn't start dating until his senior year in college. By the time he met Sue five years later, he felt he wanted to have more experience dating other women. Sue hated the idea, but she also knew that Ed needed these other experiences. Neither of them wanted to stop seeing each other, so they agreed to try DADT nonmonogamy. Even though they didn't share information about the other people they were dating, they both realized when each of them were with other people because they lived together. They each noticed when the other was texting a lot or getting phone calls they each kept private. 

Avoiding the Pitfalls of Don't Ask Don't Tell

Then, one day Sue's friend told her she saw Ed kissing another woman at a neighborhood bar and asked Sue about it. Sue was embarrassed because neither she nor Ed had shared that they were in a DADT relationship. She was also annoyed with Ed for having a date in the neighborhood where their friends could see them. They both agreed they needed to have a more definitive agreement around these issues, so they sought help in couples therapy. During couples therapy Sue admitted she acquiesced to Ed's wishes to have an open relationship, but she never really wanted it. They both agreed to breakup so Ed could have the experiences he wanted and they would be in touch in six months to see if they wanted to get back together again. Although they were both sad, they broke up in an amicable way and hoped to come back together again in several months.

Vignette 3. Jane and Bill

Both Jane and Bill had been in other open relationships before and they agreed that DADT worked for each of them past relationships. They agreed to keep their separate apartments so they each could maintain a degree of privacy and autonomy. There were times when each of them felt jealous about the other romantic relationships in their lives, but they were able to talk about it and assure each other that they were primary to each other (see my article: What is Compersion in a Nonmonogamous Relationship?).

Avoiding the Pitfalls of Don't Ask Don't Tell

They had an agreement that each of them wouldn't see another person more than once or twice to avoid forming emotional attachments with others. This worked out well for them. At the point when they wanted to move in together, they decided they no longer wanted to be in an open relationship. Instead, they were focused on building a life together and starting a family.

Discussion About the Vignettes

Vignette 1: Bob was the one who really wanted to be in an open relationship and Peter was just going along with it to please Bob.  Their agreement was that their relationship was primary, but Bob developed an emotional attachment to someone else, which created a crisis in Bob and Peter's relationship. Although this isn't an unusual experience in nonmonogamous relationships, neither of them were able to foresee that Bob might develop feelings for someone else. Fortunately, Bob realized he was going against their agreement and he didn't want to lose Peter, so he agreed to participate in couples therapy. They both realized they needed to put their open relationship on hold until they could prioritize their relationship and work out a more detailed agreement that they both could abide by.

Vignette 2: This is another example of one person going along with a DADT agreement when she didn't really want one. Sue felt humiliated when her friend saw Ed kissing another woman and Sue was annoyed that Ed was indiscreet in their neighborhood. During couples therapy Sue admitted she never wanted to be in an open relationship, but she knew Ed felt he needed to have experiences with other women. So, they agreed to break up so they both could see other people and get back in touch with each other in six months to see if they wanted to get back together again. They both agreed this was a better alternative than Sue doing something she didn't want to do or Ed feeling deprived. 

Vignette 3: Jane and Bill had experience with other open relationships, so they already knew the potential pitfalls. They each had the autonomy and privacy they wanted and, at the same time they prioritized their relationship together. When jealous feelings came up, they discussed these feelings together and reassured each other their relationship was primary. This worked out well for both of them and, at the point when they wanted to move in and have children together, they focused on being monogamous together.

Conclusion

There are many ways to have an open relationship. Don't ask don't tell is just one of them.

DADT can work out if both people agree to it and don't enter into it as a way to appease a partner. They must also have good communication with each other and set clear boundaries within their DADT agreement.

Over a period of time, many couples transition between monogamy and open relationships depending upon their needs at various times in their lives. 

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner want help with working out an open relationship agreement or if you're having problems with an existing open relationship, you could benefit from working with a skilled couples therapist who works with couples on these issues.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in the area where you're having problems so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (couples therapist), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapy.

I have over 20 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at 917-742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Consensual Nonmonogamy?

The vast majority of people in the United States are in traditional monogamous relationships, which means they are in an exclusive relationship with one other person where they will only be sexual and romantic with each other.  

What is Serial Monogamy?

There are also serial monogamists.  They're usually in one monogamous relationship at a time, but they might take breaks from the relationship to see other people (see my articles: Understanding Serial Monogamists - Part 1 and Part 2).

What is Consensual Nonmonogamy (CNM)?

Consensual nonmonogamy is also known as ethical nonmonogamy (ENM).

In research surveys approximately 1 in 5 people indicate they are (or were in the past) in some form of a nonmonogamous relationship (see my articles: Are You and Your Partner Are on the Same Page About Your Relationship? and Telltale Signs That Indicate You and Your Partner Aren't on the Same Page ).

One blog article can't cover the variety and complexity of all ethical nonmonogamous relationships, so I'll provide resources at the bottom of this article.

What is Consensual Nonmonogamy?

Consensual nonmonogamy comes under the umbrella of open relationships. 

However, at the most basic level, CNM usually means that people are in a consensual non-monogamous relationship where they have worked out an agreement between them about the nature of their nonmonogamy (see my article: The Power of Novelty to Enhance Sexual Desire in a Relationship).

The agreement should be well-thought out, written and formalized by both people.  There are various forms of agreements and some of them are very detailed and elaborate.  

Consensual Nonmonogamy

In their most basic form, they cover what is permitted and what is not permitted as part of the agreement (for a more detailed explanation of these types of ENM agreements, see Dr. Tammy Nelson's book, Open Monogamy: A Guide to Co-Creating Your Ideal Relationship Agreement).

One of the major goals of having a formalized agreement is that both people are honest and open with each other to avoid misunderstandings and emotional pain later on.  

A formal agreement also allows other people, who get involved with one or both people, to know the nature of the relationship they will be entering into and the boundaries.

There are some people who have an informal "Don't ask, don't tell" agreement where they agree that one or both people can see other people, but they won't give each other the details of these other relationships.  However, this type of arrangement can often lead to misunderstandings, suspicion, jealousy and, in some cases, the end of the relationship.

There are also various types of ENM relationships, including romantic and/or sexual, where only one person in the relationship sees other individuals.  

Also, there might be a primary relationship where two people agree that they are primary to each other.  This is considered a hierarchical nonmonogamous relationship.

In a hierarchical nonmonogamous relationship, the people in the primary relationship prioritize their relationship with regard to time spent together, commitment, space and other issues.  This means that anyone else who becomes romantically and/or sexually involved is secondary to the primary couple.

Aside from the hierarchical form of the nonmonogamous relationship, there are many other forms of nonmonogamy, including:

Cheating: 

Cheating is obviously not considered a form of ethical nonmonogamy (see my articles: Coping With Secrets and Lies in Your Relationship).

With modern technology, like the personal computers and cellphones, cheating has become easier and more prevalent than in the past.

Cheating on Your Partner

Cheating is a form of betrayal and, when cheating is discovered, it breaks the trust in a relationship and trust is hard, if not impossible, to reestablish.  

In many cases, people choose to stay in the relationship to try to work things out.  Often this is due to feelings that the partners have an emotional investment in their relationship.  

However, there are times when the person who was betrayed doesn't overcome the pain and never regains the trust, but they feel too insecure or unworthy to leave the relationship or they don't want to be alone. 

Often, with the encouragement of the partner who cheated, the person who was betrayed might blame themselves for their partner's infidelity (if they are in a relationship with a highly narcissistic partner, the partner might manipulate them into believing this).  

They might tell themselves that they're to blame for not having sex with their partner more often or not doing certain sexual acts their partner wants.

In addition, there might be cultural, religious, familial or economic factors that keep a couple together even when the person who was betrayed no longer trusts the cheating partner and doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore.

The data varies, but researchers estimate that a whopping 20-25% of heterosexual married men and 10-15% of married heterosexual women admit to cheating.  

People differ in terms of how they define cheating.

The following list include the activities (along a continuum) that many people consider cheating:

• Viewing pornography alone (without the partner)
• Maintaining a Codependent Relationship With an Ex
  
• Flirting with other people
• Having a close friend or confidante of the opposite sex (for hetero couples)
• Having sexual chemistry with someone else (other than the spouse or partner)
• Having secret sexual fantasies
• Having an emotional affair
• Having a non-consensual sexual affair (or affairs)
• Texting people of the opposite sex with flirty, sexual or romantic content
• Having Secret Social Media Accounts With the Goal of Having an Affair
  
• Having secret phone numbers or email accounts to hide affairs
• Engaging in cyber affairs where a partner is in secret contact with others for romantic or sexual purposes
• Engaging in financial infidelity where a partner has secret bank accounts or spends considerable sums of money without telling the other partner

Cheating Can Also Occur in Ethical Nonmonogamous Relationships

Even though one of the major reasons to be in an ENM relationship is that everything is honest and above board, there are some people who break the agreement with their partner by cheating. 

For example, if the agreement indicates that both partners must mutually agree to the people they get romantically or sexually involved with, they will go outside the agreement to have secret affairs.  For some people, the thrill of secretly cheating on their partner is so enticing that they engage in infidelity despite the agreement.

Polyamory or Polyfidelity

Polyamory is a form of ethical nonmonogamy that allows people to have more than one romantic relationship simultaneously.  

Polyfidelity is similar to polyamory. It specifically allows people to be faithful to a group of two or more people.  The expectation is they won't have relationships outside that group.

Swinging

Generally speaking, swinging involves heterosexual couples getting sexually involved with one or more people.  

Usually, a couple would do this together at a swingers party, club or a swingers resort. They might also have an agreement to do this individually without the other partner.  

Swingers Party

In the early days of swinging, it was called "Wife Swapping," which involved married couples having wife swapping parties in the 1970s and beyond.

Swinging often involves a couple getting sexually involved with another couple.  It might also involve threesomes or other forms of group sex where other people are asked to join the couple in sexual activity (see my article: What is a Unicorn in a Nonmonogamous Relationship?).

In addition, swinging includes heterosexual couples seeking out bisexual or sexually fluid women--although sometimes they seek bisexual men (see my article: The Fetishization of Lesbian and Bisexual Women is a Social Justice Issue).

This might involve what is called "girl-on-girl" sexual activity where the man gets sexually aroused watching his partner having sex with a bisexual woman.  

In another variation, both the man and the woman both get sexually involved with the bisexual woman.

Is an "Agreed Upon" Nonmonogamous Relationship Always Consensual?

Ideally, in ethical nonmonogamy both people have freely agreed and they openly and enthusiastically consent to the agreement.

But sometimes one partner feels pressured into being nonmonogamous and goes along with it because they know it's what their partner wants and they don't want to lose their partner (this is often a woman in a heterosexual relationship, but now always).

The pressure can be explicit where the other partner says they are either non-monogamous or the relationship is over.  

Or, the pressure can be implicit where the partner who wants to be nonmonogamous doesn't say so directly, but they communicate their displeasure in other acting out behavior (i.e., acting sullen, shutting down/giving the "silent treatment," being hostile and so on).

In that case, it wouldn't be considered consensual nonmonogamy because the partner, who is being pressured is just going along with the other partner to please them, and they really don't want it.  

In many relationships, where one partner feels pressured in this way, the relationship collapses under the weight of longstanding resentment by the partner who is just going along with non-monogamy out of fear.

Is Consensual Nonmonogamy Right For You?

Only you can decide if CNM is right for you.  

Depending upon your personal history, it may or may not be right for you.  

For instance, if you have an anxious attachment style with your partner, ENM will, most likely, make you feel insecure and worried about the relationship.  So, you would have to think long and hard before you consented to a ENM relationship agreement.

Some people try it for a period of time and decide whether or not it's right for them.  But, once again, this should be done with a lot of forethought and a mutual agreement.

Consensual Nonmonogamy Won't Fix an Unstable Relationship

Many people open up their relationship because they believe it will help to stabilize an unstable relationship.

These couples usually have misguided ideas about ethical nonmonogamy.  Not only do they confound their own problems, but they also create chaos and confusion for the other people with whom they are getting involved.

Couples in an unstable relationship should work on their relationship first to try to repair it before considering CNM.  

Alternatively, if the problems in their relationship can't be fixed, they might do better separating.

Is There a Risk of Losing Your Partner in Consensual Nonmonogamy?

Most people who are in ENM are ethical and have integrity about their choices.  

However, just as there is a risk in any relationship, people in an CNM relationship could risk losing their partner to someone outside the relationship.  

For example, a couple might have an agreement that their non-monogamous agreement only involves sexual and not emotional ties with others, but emotional ties can still form with others--even if everyone involved has the intention of being true to the agreement.  

Many people in CNM relationships would say that there is more of a risk of losing partner in a monogamous relationship because of the high rate of infidelity.

Also, in most monogamous relationships there is no agreement about the subtleties of monogamy and how they define cheating. 

To give one example mentioned above: Is flirting cheating or is watching porn alone cheating? Some people would say yes and others would say no.  So, when these areas are assumed and not defined, it can be a slippery slope in terms of what is defined as cheating.

Next Articles:

See my articles: 

What is Compersion in Consensual Nonmonogamous Relationships

What is a Unicorn in a Nonmonogamous Relationship?

What is Solo Polyamory?

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Resources:

    Books:

• Open Monogamy: A Guide to Co-Creating Your Ideal Relationship Agreement by Dr. Tammy Nelson (as mentioned above)
• Tell Me What You Want by Dr. Justin Lehmiller
• So, Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex by Dr. Ian Kerner
• The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships and Other Adventures by Janet Hardy
• Polysecure by Jessica Fern
• Mating in Captivity by Dr. Esther Perel
• The State of Affairs by Dr. Ester Perel

 

Relationships: Are You and Your Partner on the Same Page About Your Relationship?

It's not unusual for people to enter into a new relationship without discussing what they each want.  Instead, each of them assumes that what they want is what their partner wants.  As a result, a few weeks or months into the relationship they're surprised to discover that they both want a different type of relationship (see my article: Are You and Your Boyfriend on the Same Wavelength?).

Are You and Your Partner on the Same Page?

Differences Between You and Your Partner Can Be Complicated

When you think about all the possible differences between people--wants and needs, personalities, family histories, cultures and religions, experiences in prior relationships--you can see why there would be misunderstandings if the couple doesn't talk about what they want before they enter into the relationship.

One person might have come from a family where they observed their parents in a happy monogamous relationship and this is what they envision for themselves. The other person might have come from a single parent home where they didn't see their parent in a relationship at all.  Another person might have witnessed two parents that were emotionally estranged.

Similarly, someone from a traditional culture or religion might not have much experience dating or being in a relationship so they're unclear as to what they want.  They might not even be sure if they want to be in a relationship, while their partner, who has a lot of relationship experience, might be ready to be part of a committed relationship.

New Relationship Energy at the Beginning of a Relationship

New relationship energy (NRE) is a state of mind at the beginning of a relationship. 

When you first start seeing someone new that you really like, it's easy to get caught up in that heady NRE where you feel like you're on top of the world and nothing could possibly go wrong.  

Everything is new, the sexual chemistry is probably strong, and you have so many other things to talk about because you're getting to know each other.  

While NRE is usually thought of as being desirable at the start of a relationship, the heady feelings involved can also distort how you perceive your partner or the potential for a satisfying relationship with this person.

If, in addition to NRE, you also bypass the step where you have a discussion about what you each want, you and your partner can feel disappointed later on when you realize you're not on the same page and you want different things.

Alternatives to Monogamy

In addition to the ambiguity of a new relationship, there are so many alternatives to a monogamous relationship, which could include (but are not limited to):

• Monogamish: A term coined by Dan Savage where the couple is mostly monogamous, but they allow for an occasional outside sex partner where there are no intended romantic feelings (although emotional attachments can develop even if both people don't intend for it to happen).

• Open Relationship: There are variations in open relationships, but open relationships usually mean that the couple considers themselves to be the main partners, but they also see other people, often for sex with no intended emotional connection (although, once again, unintended emotional connections can develop).

• Polyamorous: This is a form of consensual non-monogamy where each person sees other people outside the relationship and these other relationships might or might not be sexual and might or might not involve emotional attachment, depending upon what the couple has negotiated with each other. 

• Friends with Benefits (FWB): This is another category that has variations depending upon what each person wants. Sometimes FWB can start between two people who are friends but who also have a sexual attraction to each other. FWB can be for a limited duration or it can be ongoing for years. Sometimes the two people go back to being friends after they stop being sexual or when one or both enter into a more committed relationship with someone else, and sometimes they end the friendship altogether (see my article: The Pros and Cons of Friends With Benefits).

• Swinging: There is a lot of variety in this category which often brings to mind "wife swapping" and "key parties" from the 1970s. But the term actually covers a broad spectrum. Some couples who are swingers only engage in sexual activities together with a specific group of people and other couples each go off on their own individually to have sex with other people.  Swinging usually implies that there aren't intended emotional connections with other people outside the main relationship but, as in any type of relationship, emotional attachments can form.

You and Your Partner Need to Communicate

Misunderstandings and hurt feelings can develop if the two of you haven't defined your relationship from the start.

So, for instance, if you think you're in a monogamous relationship, but your partner assumes that the two of you are "monogamish," there can be serious consequences which lead to a breakup.

In upcoming articles, I'll discuss the signs that can alert you that you and your partner aren't on the same page and how to fix this problem (see my article: Telltale Signs You and Your Partner Aren't on the Same Page).

Getting Help in Therapy

Relationships are much more complicated these days than they were in your parents' time with many more choices.  It's not enough to love each other and just hope that your relationship will work out.

Knowing what you want and communicating it to your partner is important if you want to have a happy relationship. But this is often hard to do because people don't always know how to do it.

Whether you seek assistance individually or in couples therapy, you owe it to yourself and your partner to seek professional help if you're struggling with these issues.  

So, rather than struggling alone, get help from a licensed mental health practitioner so you can have a healthy relationship.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to discover what you want and learn how to communicate effectively with your partner.  

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.