How to Have a Fun and Passionate Threesome

A threesome, also known as a threeway or a menage a trois, is any sexual activity involving three consenting adults.

How to Have a Fun and Passionate Threesome

According to Dr. Justin Lehmiller, author, social psychologist and Kinsey sex research fellow, group sex is the most common sexual fantasy among Americans with threesomes being at the top of the list (see my article: The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies).

If you've ever wondered if a threesome is right for you, you're not alone. Even though many people wonder about it, threesomes remain a fantasy for most people. Many people don't even share this fantasy with their partner because they feel too ashamed of it or because they're concerned their partner will judge them (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

How Common Are Threesomes?

Approximately 18% of men and 10% of women have engaged in threesomes or some form of group sex.  This includes groups of one man and two women, three men, three women, and one woman and two men of all sexual orientations and genders.

Sometimes a couple adds a third person.  For instance, there are heterosexual couples who seek out bisexual women to have a threesome. 

It's often the man who seeks out a bisexual woman.  The bisexual woman is referred to as a "unicorn" because unicorns are considered rare and bisexual women who want to sleep with a heterosexual couple is also considered rare. And the man who seeks out the unicorn is called the "unicorn hunter" (see my article:  What is a Unicorn in a Nonmonogamous Relationship?).

A unicorn can also be a man (heterosexual, gay, bisexual) or a trans woman or trans man.  Either the three people have sex with each other or one of the partners has sex with the third party and the other party watches (see my articles: Kinky Sex: What is Cuckolding? and Are You Curious About Trying Cuckolding With Your Partner?).

In other instances, the three people are all single as opposed to a couple and a third party.  They might have met at a bar or a party and decide to have a threesome together.

Why Do People Enjoy Threesomes?

One of the main reasons why people enjoy threesomes and other forms of group sex is the novelty aspect.  Having sex with your partner and someone else you don't usually have sex with can be exciting with many different possibilities.

Another reason is the appeal of being the sexual center of attention--or at least that's usually the wish of most people who have threesomes.  To feel sexually desired by two other people is a real sexual turn-on.

Aside from novelty seeking and the power of feeling sexually desirable, some people engage in threesomes because it's an item on their sexual bucket list.  

Other people use it as a way to settle a score with a partner who cheated on them in the past.

There are also people who engage in threesomes to please a partner. They might not be so into it themselves, but they want to give their partner the "gift" of a threesome.  

This is usually referred to as "sexual altruism," and it includes the husband or wife who wants to give their spouse something "special" for a birthday or anniversary or just looking for a way to spice things up in their relationship.

Other times partners are coerced into doing it.  Rather than giving their enthusiastic consent to a threesome, some partners go along with it to appease a partner because they feel pressured into doing it.

Who Engages in Threesomes?

As previously mentioned, people of all genders, sexual orientations and all types of relationships engage in threesomes.

With regard to age, you might think that threesomes were most popular with people in their 20s, but according to Dr. Lehmiller, this isn't the case because for many people in their 20s one-on-one sex is still new and exciting, so they don't have as much need for novelty.

Interest in threesomes peaks for most people at around the age of 40, according to Dr. Lehmiller, and remains high for the next 20 years or so.  These include people who are bored with monogamy or who need more variety to keep the sexual spark alive.

How to Set Up a Threesome

If you're in a relationship and you want to have a threesome, there are several factors to consider:

• Talk to Your Partner: You want to make sure you and your partner are on the same page:

• Talking about it as a sexual fantasy first can be a good way to introduce the idea to your partner.  Talking about it as a fantasy is a relatively low risk way to explore this type of sex with your partner before the two of you actually do it.  

• Anticipate there might be jealousy. For many people even talking about it can elicit jealousy, so if you're the person who wants to do it, be patient and compassionate.  Try to alleviate any concerns about jealousy.  

Talk to Your Partner and Anticipate Possible Problems Ahead of Time

• Any sexual activity should be enthusiastically consented to so if your partner isn't interested, don't pressure them.  But if your partner is at least curious about it, you can both talk about what you each want from an actual threesome.  As previously mentioned, this is as far as it gets for most people because the fantasy of it is enough or one or both people are too uncomfortable to actually do it. Other people find the idea of having a threesome so exciting that they want to find a third person.

• Talk About What You Each Want: Assuming you and your partner both want to experience a threesome, there are so many possibilities: 

• You should both agree regarding the third party's gender and sexual orientation before you include someone else.  

• Do you both have someone in mind?

• Is one person going to watch while the other partner has sex with the third party as in a cuckolding situation?  Or are all three people going to be sexually involved together.  And will there be one person who is the center of attention? Or will you each take turns being the center of attention? It's better to know that ahead of time to avoid a common disappointment in threesomes where each person assumes they will be the center, but one or two people end up feeling ignored or left out.  

• Will you include BDSM or other kinky sex?

• Find the Right Person: Finding the right person is very important:

• Many threesomes are unplanned after three people get drunk at a bar or a party.  Those are the most likely situations where one or all three people will be  disappointed.  Either the people involved aren't right for each other or, as previously mentioned, one or two people feel overlooked and left out.

• The right person is someone that both you and your partner feel sexual chemistry for and a person who can feel chemistry for both of you.  This can be trickier than it sounds. Often, a person might feel sexual chemistry for one person but not the other and, obviously, that's not going to work.  

• You and your partner should feel comfortable enough with the third person and vice versa.  When you find the right person that you both agree on, extend the invitation in a fun way, but be direct so the third person understands the situation. The last thing you want to do is try to manipulate a third party into having a threesome.

• Set Boundaries: Setting boundaries with everyone involved is critical:

• Discuss boundaries and ground rules with the three of you present.

• Discuss what sexual acts you will engage in and which ones are out.  This includes everything from kissing to sexual penetration and everything in between. No one should just make assumptions about what will or won't happen without each person agreeing to it in advance, including any kind of kinky sex or fetish you might all  enjoy. Enthusiastic consent and safe sex practices are essential. 

• Discuss with your partner beforehand whether the third party will be there for aftercare and if they will sleep over or if they will leave after sex.  Also make sure this is clear to the third party.
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• Have a Safe Word: A safe word is a word that anyone involved can use if one or more people are uncomfortable for any reason. When someone uses the safe word, it's essential that everything stops to respect the emotional and physical well-being of everyone involved.

• Create the Right Mood: Creating the right mood and context for a threesome is important.  Add anything you all think would add to the mood--whether it's candles, incense, wine, music and so on.  

• Make Sure You Have Plenty of Lube: Keep lube handy and use it often.

• Have Sex Toys on Hand: Assuming the three of you have agreed to sex toys, have fun sex toys that you can enjoy.

• Have Fun: Threesomes are supposed to be fun. If you, your partner and the third party have taken the time to talk about the issues mentioned above, you can relax and have fun.

• Talk Afterwards: After the threesome, you can all talk about what was fun (or what didn't work out):  

• Threesomes don't always go as well in reality as they do in sexual fantasies.  For one thing, while you can control what happens in your imagination, you can't control what happens in a threesome in reality. 

Talk Afterwards: Things Don't Always Go as Planned

• Address any feelings of jealousy or resentment about feeling left out--both of which are common emotions in threesomes.

• Some couples prefer to talk about this on their own without the third party.  Leaving out the third party might make them feel left out or dismissed, but if this is important to you and your partner, make sure the third party knows about this before you have sex so there are no surprises.  

• Engage in Aftercare and Reclaiming Routines: After a threesome, most couples benefit from cuddling, hugging, kissing, holding each other and engaging in other types of aftercare and reclaiming routines that helps the two people feel like a couple again.  These activities are usually done with just the two people if they're in a committed relationship.

Practice Aftercare and Reclaiming Routines

Threesomes Can Be Fun and Exciting

If you take time beforehand to prepare, choose the right person, set boundaries, have a safe word, create the right mood and make sure no one feels left out, threesomes can be fun and exciting.

Many couples find threesomes can reignite a spark in a long term relationship that includes new ways of experiencing sexual pleasure.

When to Seek Help in Sex Therapy

There are certain situations where a sex therapist can help a couple who are either considering a threesome or who had a threesome that didn't work out:

• The Two Partners Can't Agree: It's not unusual for one person in a relationship to want a threesome and for the other person not to want it.  This can lead to frustration and resentment.

• There Was No Planning Ahead of Time Which Created Problems: Most people don't take the time to plan a threesome, so it's not surprising that things go wrong.  One or both people can feel jealous, angry, resentful, sad, disappointed or left out.  For many couples, a threesome that has gone wrong can create problems in their sex life they didn't have before.  

• A Sexual Affair Started After a Threesome: Threesomes can be the start of a sexual affair between one of the partners and a third party.  Sometimes one the partners sets up a threesome because they want to have sex with the third party, but they don't want to leave their partner out.  But after they've had sex with the third party as part of the threesome, they want to continue having sex with the third party without their partner as part of an affair.  For obvious reasons this is a big problem in terms of infidelity, betrayal and trust issues.

• One or Both People in the Relationship Have Regrets About the Threesome: Sometimes what seemed like a good idea beforehand brings up feelings of jealousy, resentment, feelings of inadequacy or other negative feelings no one anticipated.  

• Other Unanticipated Problems Before, During and After a Threesome: The two of you can't always anticipate all the possibilities beforehand.

How Modern Sex Therapy Can Help

A modern sex therapist who is knowledgeable about these issues and who works in a contemporary way can help individual adults and couples with these issues and many other sex-related issues (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Sex therapy is a form of psychotherapy, also known as talk therapy, that focuses on sexual issues for individual adults and couples.

There is no physical exam, no nudity and no touching in sex therapy (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a modern sex therapist so you can overcome sexual problems and have a more sexually fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.