Common Relationship Problems After Infidelity

I have written several articles about infidelity in the past (see the links for these articles throughout and at the end of this article).

In the current article I'm discussing on some of the most common problems people in relationships experience after infidelity.

In the next article, I'll discuss steps to repair emotional and sexual intimacy.

Repairing Intimacy After Infidelity

What Are the Most Common Relationships Problems After Infidelity?

Different people will face a variety of problems after infidelity  (see my article: Coping With Infidelity).

Here are some of the most common problems:

• Lack of Trust: Lack of trust can include the betrayed partner questioning their other partner's behavior, thoughts and feelings even when the partner who cheated tries to assure them that they are no longer cheating (see my article: Learning to Trust Again After Infidelity).

• Feeling Devastated: After infidelity is discovered, the betrayed partner can feel emotionally devastated including feeling sad, angry, resentful, ashamed, humiliated, confused, self blaming, powerless, "not good enough" and questioning their desirability. The partner who cheated can also feel emotionally devastated with guilt, shame, sadness, regret, and fear of losing their partner.

Feeling Emotionally Devastated After Infidelity

• Barriers to Communication: It's common for both people to have problems communicating with each other after an affair. Both people can have problems expressing their feelings to each other.

• Struggling With Uncertainty About the Relationship: Even if both people want to repair the relationship, they might also be struggling with uncertainty as to whether or not the relationship can be repaired and, if it can, what the relationship would look like in the future (see my article: Should You Stay or Should You Leave Your Relationship?).

• Struggling With How to Begin the Healing Process: Emotional healing can be a challenge for both people. The betrayed partner might not know how to begin the individual healing process--even after they have decided to try to repair the relationship. The partner who cheated also might not know how to heal especially if they feel they don't deserve to heal because they cheated and caused their partner pain.

• Struggling With Forgiveness: Forgiveness involves more than just the partner who cheated saying "I'm sorry" and the betrayed partner saying "I forgive you" (see my article: Stages of Forgiveness).

Struggling With Forgiveness After Infidelity

• Rebuilding Emotional and Sexual Intimacy: People often struggle with how to rebuild emotional and sexual intimacy after an affair. This is especially challenging if they have waited a while to seek help and they have fallen into a pattern of emotional and sexual  disconnection.  Even if a couple has resumed having sex, they can't assume this means the relationship has been repaired if they haven't gone through the repair process. When couples don't go through that process, there are often unspoken emotions that come to the surface in many different ways (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?).

Clinical Vignettes:

The following clinical vignettes, which are composites of many different cases to protect confidentiality, illustrate some of the common problems people experience after infidelity:

A Relationship With a Monogamous Agreement

    Maria and Sal:

Maria and Sal were married for 10 years when she discovered sexts from another woman on Sal's phone. At first, Sal tried to dismiss Maria's concerns by telling her these sexts didn't mean anything, which served to upset Maria even more because she felt Sal was dismissing her feelings and minimizing the problem.

Sexting and Infidelity

When he realized how distraught Maria felt, Sal took responsibility and admitted he had been having a sexual affair online and in person with another woman for several months. At that point, Maria told Sal that, although she was deeply hurt and angry, she didn't want to end their marriage especially since they had two young children. 

After Sal agreed to end the affair and never have contact with the other woman again, both Maria and Sal agreed to "put it all behind" them and "move on." 

At first, this was a relief to both of them, but over time they realized Maria was having problems trusting Sal. She was suspicious about every text he received and insisted on monitoring his phone. She also didn't believe him when he had to go on a business trip. In addition, she repeatedly demanded to know if Sal was thinking about the other woman and, when he said he wasn't, she didn't believe him.

Initially, after they agreed to remain together, their sex life became more passionate. Maria wanted to prove to Sal and to herself that she was sexually desirable and Sal wanted to prove to Maria that he found her desirable. But after a few weeks, their sexual passion began to wane because of the trust issues--until they stopped having sex altogether (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?).

They didn't know how to talk to each other about these problems or where to begin to repair their problems with emotional and sexual intimacy.

A Relationships With a Consensual Nonmonogamous Agreement

    Bob and John

Bob and John were in a long term consensually nonmonogamous relationship (CNM). Their agreement was their relationship was primary. They also agreed they could have sex with other people, but neither of them would get emotionally involved with anyone else. 

In order to decrease the possibility of developing emotional ties with other men, part of their agreement was that they would only have sex with another person once and then never have contact with that man again.

Initially, they agreed they would have a "don't ask, don't tell" agreement where they could have sex with others, but they wouldn't let each other know about it. 

But, over time, this didn't work for them because they felt the secrecy was harming their relationship. So, they revised their CNM agreement so that they would talk about it before they got sexually involved with others (see my article: What's the Difference Between Privacy and Secrecy in Relationships?).

Their revised agreement seemed to be working out well--until Bob found out from his friend that John was having a long term affair with another man.

Infidelity Can Occur in Consensually Nonmonogamous Relationships

When Bob confronted John, he told him he couldn't believe John went against their CNM agreement. He was hurt and angry.

John admitted he broke their agreement, but he never meant to hurt Bob.  He also told Bob he wasn't sure if he wanted to stop seeing the other man--even though he knew this would cause John a lot of pain.

Both of them wanted to remain together, but Bob knew he couldn't tolerate John having an emotional attachment to another man.

After Bob found out about John's involvement with another man, he distanced himself from John emotionally and sexually.

They both felt stuck and they didn't know how to deal with their problem.

Next Article

In my next article, I'll continue discussing these two vignettes and how couples/sex therapy can help.

Conclusion

Emotional and sexual intimacy are often negatively affected after infidelity.

Many people want to remain in their relationship, but they don't know how to move forward.

Getting Help in Couples/Sex Therapy

If you're having problems repairing intimacy in your relationship after infidelity, you could benefit from working with a couples therapist who is also a sex therapist.

Getting Help in Couples/Sex Therapy

Most couples therapists have no training in sex therapy, so they might be able to help couples to repair emotionally, but they don't have the skills to help them repair sexually.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in couples/sex therapy so you can repair emotional and sexual intimacy in your relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article: Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy).

With over 20 years of experience, I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Other Articles:

What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples?

What is Sex Therapy?

What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?

How is Sensate Focus Used in Sex Therapy?

Before I discuss how Sensate Focus is used in sex therapy, I want to define what sex therapy is because there are many misconceptions about sex therapy in the general public and even among psychotherapists who don't practice sex therapy.

What is Sex Therapy?

Sex therapy is a specific type of psychotherapy for individuals and couples to address sexual problems (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Sensate Focus is a Component of Sex Therapy

There is no physical touch, physical exam, sex or nudity during sex therapy sessions.  Everyone in the room remains fully clothed just like they would in any other type of talk therapy session (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?

Sex therapy addresses physical, emotional and psychological factors that might be getting in the way of sexual fulfillment.

As a sex therapist, I help clients with a variety of sexual problems, including:

• Low Libido/Sexual Arousal/Sexual Desire
  

• Mismatched Sexual Desire Between Individuals in a Relationship

• Sexual Communication

• Sexual Boredom

• Erectile Problems

• Sexual Performance Anxiety
  

• Painful Sex

• Orgasm Problems
  

• Sexual Guilt and Shame
  

• Sexual Self Esteem

• The Sex Script of a Couple

• Sexual Abuse/Trauma

• Age-Related Sexual Problems

• Body Image

• The Unconscious Meaning of Sexual Fantasies

• Kink, BDSM , Eroticized Power Play 

• Transgender Issues

• Consensual Nonmonogamy
  

• Compulsive Use of Pornography or Out of Control Sexual Behavior

As well as other sex-related issues (see my article: What Kinds of Problems Are Addressed in Sex Therapy?).

A sex therapist might refer a client to various other health care practitioners to either rule out or overcome related medical or physical issues that could be part of the problem.  

For instance, if a man is experiencing erectile problems, a sex therapist often refers the client to a medical doctor who specializes in erectile problems to determine if the problem is medical.  Once a medical problem has been ruled out or addressed, a sex therapist can help the client with the emotional or psychological issues involved.

Another example of a possible referral is if a woman is experiencing pain during intercourse. A sex therapist often refers the client to a gynecologist who specializes in painful sex problems to either rule out or address the problem. Subsequently, a sex therapist can also refer the client to a physical therapist who is a pelvic floor specialist while the sex therapist simultaneously helps the client with the emotional or psychological issues involved.

What is Sensate Focus?

Sensate Focus is one component of sex therapy among many.

Sensate Focus is a behavioral technique that was originally developed by Masters and Johnson. 

Sensate Focus is a Component of Sex Therapy

Sensate Focus involves a series of behavioral exercises that a couple does together to help them to enhance their emotional and sexual connection.

The behavioral exercises are done as part of sex therapy homework in the privacy of their home.  They are not done in front of the sex therapist.

When I work with couples who want to improve their emotional and sexual connection, I provide them with psychoeducation about Sensate Focus and how it can be helpful.  Then, I tailor the homework to the needs of the particular clients. 

For instance, if they are in a long term relationship where there has been either infrequent or no sex for a while and they are apprehensive about Sensate Focus, I collaborate with the clients to see where they each feel relatively comfortable to begin.  

I stress to couples that Sensate Focus is a behavioral mindfulness technique and, as such, it's a non-demand exercise. 

The non-demand aspect of Sensate Focus means there is no expectation of sex. 

In fact, the exercise won't go beyond what has been agreed upon in advance by each member of the couple.

Sensate Focus is a Component of Sex Therapy

For example, with couples who haven't touched each other in a while, I might ask them to start by setting aside two times between weekly sex therapy sessions where they each take turns touching the other partner's hands for 2-5 minutes without any talking (this is to avoid the possibility of criticism which could make one or both people want to stop).  

During initial Sensate Focus exercises, I usually recommend that the couple is fully clothed when they do their homework assignment and that they do the exercise with lights on. There is no music or anything else that would indicate the expectation of sex.

By starting at a point where both people feel comfortable, Sensate Focus helps to remove stressful aspects of sexual and emotional connection that the couple might be struggling with. In fact, most people find Sensate Focus relaxing.

Sensate Focus is a Component of Sex Therapy

If one of the partners is uncomfortable with how the other partner is touching them, they can show them by lifting the partner's hand and demonstrating how they would like to be touched.

When the couple returns to their next sex therapy session, assuming they did the exercise, they each talk about their individual experience with the exercise.  

If they didn't do the exercise, I facilitate a discussion as to what got in the way of doing it.  Beyond giving reasons that they were busy or tired, this helps the couple to explore and understand unconscious issues involved with why they might have avoided doing the Sensate Focus exercise and how they can overcome these issues.

Overcoming obstacles to Sensate Focus also reinforces the idea that there is mutual responsibility for sexual and emotional connection. 

In other words, it's not the job of any particular person to be "in charge" of the exercises, so I usually recommend that each individual take turns reminding the other partner about the exercise and initiating.  

So, if Person A is the reminder and initiator on Day 1, Person B is the reminder and initiator on Day 2.

From there, I continue to collaborate with the couple on how to proceed to the next step in Sensate Focus. 

Based on the clients' mutual agreement, Sensate Focus progresses to include different types of touch as the exercises progress.  Once again, the exercises are highly individualized for the particular couple.

What is the Foundation of Sensate Focus?

There are several elements that serve as the foundation of Sensate Focus, including:

• Providing sexual information and education to both partners about sexual function and activities

• Establishing mutual responsibility between partners for addressing sexual communication, sexual needs and concerns of each partner

• Helping couples to communicate effectively about sex without guilt or shame

• Being willing to change sexual attitudes that are getting in the way of sexual fulfillment

• Overcoming sexual performance anxiety, including guilt and shame

• Overcoming issues related to sexual roles in the relationship

• Giving behavioral homework assignments for couples to improve their sexual and emotional relationship

When is Sensate Focus Used?

Sensate Focus is used for a variety of sex-related problems, including but not limited to:

• Sexual Arousal Problems

• Sexual Desire Problems

• Erectile Problems, including premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, erectile unpredictability

• Painful Sex

• Sexual Anxiety

• Other Sex-Related Problems

Conclusion

Sensate Focus is a well-researched, effective component of sex therapy.

Sensate Focus helps to enhance emotional and sexual intimacy with behavioral exercises for couples to do privately as part of their homework.

Sensate Focus is beneficial for couples of any age, race, gender or sexual orientation, including heterosexual couples or LGBTQ+ couples.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy for individual adults and couples.

If you're struggling with sexual issues, you could benefit from working with a skilled sex therapist.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a sex therapist so you can lead a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Improving Sexual Intimacy in a Long-Term Relationship

One of the most common complaints that I hear in couples therapy for people in long term relationships is that their sex life has fizzled out.  Even couples who once had a passionate sex life complain that the passion has gone out of their relationship and one or both of them are hurt and angry that repeated attempts for sexual intimacy have been rejected.

Improving Sexual Intimacy in a Long-Term Relationship

Most couples don't seem to realize that this is a common problem for many people.  Somehow, most people assume that they're the exception and every other couple is having wild sexual passion.

While it's common for sexual passion to decrease somewhat over time, this doesn't mean that a couple has to settle for a sexless relationship.

You Don't Have to Wait Until You're "in the Mood" to Have Sex
Most people seem to think that they have to wait until each of them is "in the mood" before they even try having sex.

But with busy work schedules, children and all the responsibilities involved with having a family, waiting until the "stars align" to have sex might have you waiting a very long time.

Rather than waiting until you're each in the mood before you have sex, I recommend that even if both people aren't feeling in the mood in the moment that you go ahead and engage in sexual flirting and playfulness and what often happens is that, even if you didn't start out in the mood, you get into the mood.

The following vignette, which is a composite of many different cases to protect confidentiality, illustrates how a couple can improve a sex life that's dwindled:

Peg and Ed
Peg and Ed had been married for 12 years when they came to my office for couple counseling.

Improving Sexual Intimacy in a Long-Term Relationship

Barely speaking to each other, they each took turns complaining about the other one to me.

It was clear that they were both so angry with one another that they could hardly look at each other.

As a couples therapist, part of my job is to facilitate communication between the couple rather than having them only speak to me, so I asked them to address their concerns to each other.

Barely able to look at one another, Ed started.

He said he felt hurt, frustrated and angry that every time he tried to initiate sex, Peg rejected him.

Since he didn't want to keep feeling rejected, he stopped initiating.  He had hoped that Peg would "get the hint" and initiate sex between them, but he was disappointed because he felt that she barely noticed that they weren't having sex.

Improving Sexual Intimacy in  Long-Term Relationship

Peg looked like she could barely contain her anger while Ed was speaking, and she responded by saying that Ed would attempt to initiate sex late at night when she was exhausted.

After working a long day, she just wanted to sleep when he would initiate foreplay.  She felt that this was selfish and self centered of him.

I reminded each of them of the ground rules that I had discussed at the beginning of the session, which included listening intently to each other, talking from his or her own experience (rather than making accusations), and avoiding name calling.

As I usually do early on in couples therapy, I asked each of them what attracted each of them to the other.

At first, as each of them sat at the opposite ends of the couch, neither of them seemed enthusiastic about responding.

Eventually, Peg said that when she first saw Ed at her friend's party, she thought he was very handsome and she loved his smile.

As she remembered the day she met him, she smiled and her eyes glowed.  She especially liked how funny and charming he was that night.  When he talked to her that night, she felt like she was the only woman in the room.

As Ed listened to Peg talk about that evening, he smiled at her and talked about what he liked about her during their courtship and early years together.  He was attracted to her beauty.  He admired her for how intelligent she is, her creativity, and her sense of humor.  She also made him feel special.

As they listened to each other talk, they realized that they had become so angry with each other about sex that they stopped doing many of the things that brought them together and they didn't even realize it.

They began talking to each other about the things that they liked to do that they no longer do, and made a decision to go out more and see if they could recapture some of the enjoyment they had during the initial years of their relationship.

When they came back the following week, they recounted going out and having a good time together.  They still weren't having sex, but they seemed much more relaxed and sat closer to one another.

I talked to them about being sensuous and "playful" with each other as a prelude to improving their sex life--even if they weren't initially in the mood.

At first, they both seemed unsure of what I meant, but when they thought back to what they used to do, Peg remembered that she liked the way Ed used to give her massages.

As we explored this as a possibility, Peg said she didn't feel as sexually attractive as she used to be when she was younger.  She had gained weight and she felt self conscious about allowing Ed give her a massage.

Ed seemed surprised and told her that he still found her sexy and he liked the extra weight.

Then, it was Peg's turn to be surprised.  She seemed pleased that Ed still thought of her as sexy and said she thought she could probably make more of an effort to dress up when they went out and to wear lingerie at night.

I recommended to them that they be "playful" and sensuous as a start rather than focusing on having sex.

When they came back the next week, they both reported that they were anxious about giving each other massages and it was a little awkward at first.

Neither of them were "in the mood" at first, but, after a while, they both got into it and it became enjoyable.

Over the next few weeks, Ed and Peg became more open to trying new ways to be sensual with each other, even when one or both of them weren't in the mood initially, and they discovered that it brought them closer together.

Improving Sexual Intimacy in a Long-Term Relationship

Ed was still leery of taking the initiative, so they decided that Peg would would initiate sex when she felt more comfortable.

A month or so later, they reported that Peg surprised Ed one day when he got home by wearing lingerie and flirting with him in a sexy way.

Ed admitted that he came home from work feeling grumpy and tired and sex was the furthest thing from his mind, but he went with it.

Allowing her to take the lead, Ed was surprised that Peg initiated their sexual encounter by taking off his clothes and pulling him into the bedroom, which was a real turn on for Ed.

Even though he wasn't "in the mood" at first, he found himself very sexually aroused as Peg asserted herself sexually.

They both felt that it was the best sex they had had in years, and they both opened up emotionally and sexually in ways they never would have thought possible.

After that, they were both willing to experiment and surprise one another sexually in ways that they had never done before, and they were becoming more sexually daring.

They both agreed that they were enjoying their sex life more than they had in years.

Conclusion
Many couples mistakenly assume that they can't improve sexual intimacy because they're in a long term relationship.

At that point, either one or both of them often becomes dissatisfied and the relationship starts to go downhill.

Remembering what you both liked about each other when you first met can help you to reconnect with each other emotionally as well as being willing to be playful and sensuous without the pressure of having sex at first.

Introducing novelty and occasional surprises into your sex life can also help to keep the passion going.

Getting Help in Therapy
For many couples, where resentment and anger have built up over time, trying to improve sexual intimacy between them can be daunting.

If you and your spouse are having problems with your sex life, rather than allowing resentment to build to the point where the relationship can't be salvaged, you could benefit from seeing a couples therapist who can help you to navigate through the difficult passages and rekindle your relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Telltale Signs That You and Your Spouse Are Growing Apart

As a psychotherapist in New York City, one of the most common responses that I get when I ask clients what caused their relationship to end is: "We grew apart."

Relationships:  Are You and Your Partner Growing Apart?

Often, people tell me this and they don't really understand what happened and why they grew apart.  Most of the time, it seems to be a gradual process where the two individuals in the relationship slowly start to spend less time together and, when they're together, they're not as engaged with each other as they once were.

What Are Some of the Signs That You and Your Spouse Might Be Growing Apart?

There's a Decrease in Your Sexual and Emotional Intimacy
There's an old saying, "Sex is the first thing that goes" and, generally, this is usually the case with many relationships where people grow apart from each other.

While it's usually true that people are less sexual after the first year or two, if a decrease in sexual intimacy gets to the point where you and your spouse's sexual life is almost non-existent, this is usually a sign that the two of you are growing apart.

Aside from sexual intimacy, when people in a relationship grow apart, there's often a decrease in emotional intimacy.  You're not sharing your feelings with each other as much as you used to do.

There are so many distractions, TV, cellphones, iPads, and so on, that it's easy to distract yourself from your partner by getting immersed in these distractions instead of paying attention to your spouse (see my article: Relationships: The Importance of Unplugging From Electronic Gadgets to Spend Quality Time Together .

The Two of You Are Spending Less Time Together
This is related to a decrease in sexual and emotional intimacy.  Often this happens because the individuals in the relationship are bored with each other and look to find other outlets (staying late at work, spending more time with other people, having affair) instead of spending time with their spouse.

The Romance is Gone
No one expects that you'll be as passionate in a long term relationship as you were when you first got married, but when you and your spouse are growing apart, there usually aren't even romantic gestures any more.  Both people might be "going through the motions," which usually isn't fulfilling to either person.

The Fun is Gone Out of the Relationship
Humor is an important part of life, especially in a long term relationship.  Having a sense of humor and the ability to have fun enriches the relationship and helps couples to weather the challenges in any relationship.

You're Bickering Has Increased Over Petty Issues
When people are growing apart, they often feel frustrated with each other.  This can lead to bickering over petty issues.

Are the Two of You Growing Apart in Your Relationship?

If you and your spouse are bickering and there's a voice in your head that says, "Why are we arguing about this petty issue?" it's often because the bickering is a symptom of two people who are growing apart.  Whatever precipitated the bickering, it's usually not about whatever you're arguing about.  It's usually indicative that there are other things going on that you and your spouse aren't addressing.

In my next article, I'll discuss what you and your spouse (or partner) can do if you realize you're growing apart and you both want to get closer to each other (see my article: Relationships: How to Get Closer When You Have Grown Apart).

Getting Help in Therapy
If you feel that you and your spouse are beyond the point where you can repair your relationship on your own, you could benefit from seeing a licensed psychotherapist who works with couples, a therapist who has expertise in helping couples get closer and who can be objective.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Loneliness and Lack of Intimacy in a Relationship

Loneliness and lack of intimacy in relationships is not unusual. People who are lonely in their relationship usually don't like to admit it, except, maybe, to their closest friends or their psychotherapist because there is often a lot of shame associated with this.

People who feel lonely in their relationships often feel that loneliness only occurs among people who are, well, alone, and that if you're in a relationship, you shouldn't be feeling this way.

Loneliness and Lack of Intimacy in a Relationship

But there are lots of reasons why relationships that start out well can, over time, devolve into relationships where one or both people feel lonely and the emotional and sexual intimacy go out the window.

Let's look at the following vignette which, as always, represents a composite of many different people, so that there is no identifying information that represents any one particular person:

Steve and Susan:
When Steve and Susan met in college, they fell in love with each other almost from the start. They had a very passionate one year relationship before they got married. Both of their parents wanted them to wait a year or two before they got married to give them time to get to know each other, but they couldn't see any reason to wait, so they got married right after college and moved into a small apartment in Manhattan.

A year into their marriage, Steve began to feel that there was "something missing" in his relationship with Susan. He wasn't sure what it was and he didn't even have words to describe it, but he knew that something had changed. He and Susan both had demanding jobs, so they spent almost no time together during the week. On the weekends, they were often both exhausted and too tired to go out, so they spent a lot of time watching TV. Whereas they had sex a few times a week during the first six months of their marriage, now, they only had sex a couple of times a month, which concerned Steve because he and Susan were still in their early 20s.

As time went on, Steve began to feel lonely and disconnected from Susan, even when they were spending time together. He often felt that when she was with him, she "wasn't there" emotionally. He felt that it was as if they were "going through the motions." Whereas he used to feel excited and alive when he was around Susan, he now felt bored and that the relationship had gotten into a rut.

Steve tried to talk to Susan about his concerns, but Susan was not someone who liked to talk about what she considered "negative feelings." So, whenever he tried to talk to Susan about it, she dismissed his feelings and told him that all relationships settle down after the first year or two and he shouldn't expect that they would feel the same kind of passion that they felt when they first met.

But Steve knew that there was more to it than that. He didn't feel close to Susan any more, and he was concerned and upset that he felt lonely around her. In the past, when he was single, it wasn't unusual for him to feel lonely, but he couldn't understand why he would feel lonely when he was with Susan.

As Steve's concern grew, he continued to try to talk to Susan about their relationship. But the more he tried, the more annoyed Susan felt and the more she avoided talking to Steve about his concerns. And the more Susan avoided talking to him about their relationship, the more Steve sensed that Susan was putting up an emotional "wall" between them that seemed to be growing thicker by the day. 

He knew that he still loved Susan, but he wasn't sure if he was still in love with her. And he resented that she refused to discuss their relationship, as if there was something wrong with him for having these concerns.

As time went on, Steve felt more and more distant from Susan. They had friends and they socialized, but Steve began to feel that his marriage was a sham. He felt that there was a disconnect between what he felt internally and how he felt he was expected by Susan to behave with her.

One day, when one of his coworkers, Laura, began to confide in Steve over lunch that there were problems in her marriage, Steve felt himself opening up to Laura about his own worries. Laura seemed to understand completely. She said she felt the same way in her marriage, and her husband refused to talk to her about it too.

This was the first time that Steve had a chance to tell anyone about his problems, and it was a great relief to feel heard and understood. Soon after that, Steve and Laura began having lunch more frequently, and Steve felt an attraction building for Laura. He knew that she was also attracted to him because she began flirting with him. He liked that she laughed at his jokes and that she admired him at work.

So, after a few weeks, when Laura told him that she had a friend who would let them use her apartment during their lunch break or after work, Steve was not surprised. 

Although he was flattered and he felt a strong sexual desire for Laura, especially since he and Susan were hardly having sex any more, he was not prepared to start cheating on Susan, so he gently and tactfully declined the first time that Laura suggested that they get together sexually. 

But as he continued to feel more and more emotionally and sexually frustrated in his marriage with Susan, he told Laura that he was ready to spend time with her at her friend's apartment.

On the day when he was supposed to meet Laura at her friend's apartment, Steve had a change of heart. He really didn't want to ruin his marriage, and he decided to try to talk to Susan one more time and, if that didn't work, before he began a sexual affair with Laura, he would rather separate from Susan first and think about getting a divorce.

That night when he went home, Steve told Susan that he thought their relationship was in serious trouble and if they didn't go for marriage counseling, he didn't think they would survive. Usually, Susan put up a wall whenever Steve tried to talk to her about their relationship but, somehow, he got through to her that day, at least enough to get her to agree to go for marriage counseling.

When Steve and Susan came for their first marriage counseling session, Steve was very open about his feelings and concerns. He talked about feeling lonely and disconnected in their relationship and how disappointed he felt that there was almost no emotional or sexual intimacy between them any more. Susan sat next to Steve and stared straight ahead. Whenever Steve looked at her to tell her how he felt, she continued to stare into space.

When it was her turn to talk, Susan had a lot of difficulty expressing her feelings. With some encouragement, she began to talk, but all she could say was that she wasn't sure what she felt any more, and people in her family almost never talked about their feelings and they certainly never went to marriage counseling to talk to "a stranger" about their feelings about their marriage. Not only was she anxious and angry, Susan also felt deeply ashamed to be sitting in a marriage counselor's office.

During the first few marriage counseling sessions, Susan continued to have a lot of difficulty identifying her feelings and talking. She retreated behind a wall and she seemed greatly relieved when the therapy hour was over.

It was only after Steve admitted in session that he was beginning to have feelings for his coworker, Laura, at work, that Susan's wall began to crumble. Steve told her that for a long time he had been feeling that maybe there was something wrong with him that he felt so lonely and empty whenever he was around Susan. 

But, he said, when he realized that he had sexual feelings for Laura and he felt close to her, even though he had not been sexual with her "yet," he realized that what he was feeling was a problem between him and Susan and not something that he alone was going through. He also told Susan about how he almost went to Laura's friend's apartment to have sex with Laura.

Steve told Susan that he still loved her and wanted to repair their marriage, but if she wasn't willing to do the work too, he was considering leaving her and having a sexual affair with Laura because he wanted to feel "alive" again.

When Susan heard this, she looked like she had been struck in the face. She began sobbing in that session and told Steve that she was terrified of exploring and talking about her feelings. She said that during the early stage of their relationship, she felt carried along on a wave of passion and love, but once their relationship settled down, she began to feel too afraid of the emotional intimacy of everyday life together and she shut down.

This was a breakthrough moment for Susan. After that, Steve agreed not to spend any more time with Laura, and Susan agreed to enter into her own individual psychotherapy with another therapist at the same time that Steve and Susan continued to come to marriage counseling.

During the course of their marriage counseling, it came to light that Susan and Steve had very different experiences in their family of origins with regard to expressing feelings.

Steve's family was very open to expressing their feelings. And Steve's mother and father had a close, loving relationship.

Susan's family was more reserved. Her parents never showed any affection for each other around Susan, and they almost never talked about their emotions. When Susan was growing up, whenever she tried to talk to either of her parents about anything that was bothering her, Susan felt like she was being a nuisance. Her mother often told her, "No one likes a whiner." So, she learned to stifle her feelings.

That's why Susan was so surprised that she felt the depth of feelings that she did for Steve during the early stage of their relationship. When it was new and exciting and they were getting to know each other, she felt carried along by the excitement. But she felt uncomfortable with the growing emotional intimacy that was developing after they got married, and she realized that she had shut down emotionally to protect herself from her own feelings of vulnerability.

Susan also realized that her emotional shut down lead to Steve's feeling disconnected from her and lonely when he was around her. And this was only made worse when Steve tried to talk to her about his feelings and she avoided these discussions.

And, for his part, Steve also realized that by acting out with Laura and almost having a sexual affair, he was also checking out emotionally from his marriage and putting up his own emotional barriers with Susan. 

He realized that even though he and Laura never had sex, they were starting to have an emotional affair because they were confiding in each other a lot and comforting one another. He also realized that even though Laura excited him, any affair that he had with her would have been motivated more by anger towards Susan than any sexual or tender feelings he felt towards Laura.

Steve and Susan remained in marriage counseling for two years. During that time, they learned to improve their communication with each other. Through the marriage counseling and in her own individual therapy, Susan began to feel more comfortable expressing her feelings with Steve. A few sessions with a sex therapist also helped them to revive their sexual relationship.

It wasn't easy but, over time, their relationship improved. As the emotional and sexual intimacy improved in their relationship, they both felt more connected to each other and more satisfied in their relationship. Steve no longer felt lonely when he was Susan, and Susan stopped defending against her feelings by shutting down emotionally.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you and your spouse are experiencing problems with loneliness and lack of intimacy in your relationship, you're not alone. Many couples go through this.

The important part is to admit that there's a problem and get help with an experienced couples therapist.

A skilled couples therapist can help you to make changes so you can both be happier.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I have helped many individuals and couples to revive their relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up an appointment, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.