Relationships: Coping With Your Partner's Annoying Habits

It's not unusual for people in relationships to find their partner's habits annoying. 

This usually isn't discussed when people are considering moving in together or getting married.

Coping With Your Partner's Annoying Habits

Sometimes people get caught in the trap of trying to change their partner, which tends to backfire (see my article: The Problem With Trying to Change Your Partner).

When you and your partner live together, it's inevitable you will both experience moments of annoyance with each other. These moments might involve annoying habits you weren't aware of when you were dating (see my article: Relationships: The Ideal vs the Real).

Since you are two different people with your own unique personalities, values, habits and quirks, there are bound to be things that bother each of you. 

It's not a matter of whether you and your partner discover annoying habits about each other but rather how you will handle these situations.

Common Situations That People in Relationships Find Annoying

As a psychotherapist who works with individual adults and couples, I have heard many clients complain about their partner's habits including:

• Arriving late without an apology or reason
• Forgetting to do chores on a consistent basis
• Leaving clothes on the floor
• Ignoring personal hygiene
• Leaving dirty dishes in the sink

Coping With Your Partner's Annoying Habits

• Not acknowledging or appreciating a partner's efforts
• Chewing loudly
• Looking at their phone a lot when they are supposed to be spending quality time together
• Drinking directly from a carton and putting the carton back in the refrigerator
• Nitpicking
• Leaving the toilet seat up
• And many other examples

How to Cope With Your Partner's Annoying Habits and Be Open to Hearing About Your Own

What one person finds annoying might not be at all annoying to someone else. So, don't be surprised if your partner has a hard time accepting that their habits are annoying or that when your partner tells you what they find annoying that you're also in denial.

Steps to Addressing and Hearing About Annoying Habits:

• Communicate Tactfully and with Empathy: Rather than waiting until you have reached your limit, talk to your partner in a calm and tactful way.  Chances are your partner isn't trying to be annoying (just as you're not trying to annoy your partner with your habits) so give them the benefit of the doubt.  A little empathy can go a long way.

Coping With Your Partner's Annoying Habits

• Find a Convenient Time to Talk: Rather than having a conversation on the fly while your partner is racing out the door for work, find a convenient time for each of you where you can sit down calmly to discuss things.

• Put Yourself in Your Partner's Shoes and Be Flexible: You might feel that you have the best way for doing household chores, but your partner's way might be equally good. For instance, your way might be to wash the dishes as soon as you finish eating, but your partner might prefer to relax first. Neither way is right or wrong--just different.

Coping With Your Partner's Annoying Habits

• Be Patient and Find a Compromise: For example, your partner might not be as good as you are with planning their time so they tend to arrive late. While they are in the process of learning to manage their time better, instead of looking at your watch and getting increasingly angry, can you use the time to answer an email, call a friend or read a newspaper article on your phone? You can both agree this is a temporary compromise as your partner is developing better time management skills.

• Balance Positive and Negative Feedback: Often when people get fed up with their partner's habits, they unleash a barrage of criticism against their partner. They might also "kitchen sink" their partner by telling them about all their annoying habits at once, which can be overwhelming for your partner to hear. So, make sure you start with some positive feedback so you don't hurt your partner's feelings with only negative feedback  (see my article: Improving Communication in Your Relationship: How to Stop "Kitchen Sinking" Your Partner).

• Choose Your Battles: Think about what's most important to you. Maybe you live with your partner forgetting to put the toilet seat down, but you can't stand it when your partner leaves clothes on the floor. 

Are You Focusing on Annoying Habits When There Are More Serious Problems in the Relationship?

Sometimes couples argue about annoying habits when there are more serious underlying  problems in the relationship that they are either unaware of or they are reluctant to address.

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates how a couple can avoid talking about serious problems in the relationship by focusing on annoying habits:

June and Roger

During the honeymoon phase of their relationship, June and Roger were in a long distance relationship. 

June lived in New York City and Roger lived in Dallas, so they only saw each other once or twice a month. During that time, they were so in love with each other that they couldn't wait to be together.

Coping With Your Partner's Annoying Habits

Six months into the relationship, Roger accepted a job in New York City and he moved in with June.  Initially, they were both so happy to be together, but over time, they began to argue over seemingly little things.

After they sought help in couples therapy, Jane complained that Roger was constantly texting on his phone--even when they had carved out special time to be together.  Roger said he tried to put away his phone, but he felt he had to respond promptly to texts.

They agreed to a compromise where Roger would put his phone away when they were out to dinner and only check it as they were leaving the restaurant or when they got home. But Roger had a hard time not looking at his phone during the dinner and June felt frustrated with him and disrespected.

Then, during one of their couples therapy sessions June mentioned reluctantly that she thought Roger was texting another woman. In response, Roger got quiet. 

When the couples therapist asked him for his reaction, Roger hesitated to speak, but then he admitted he was getting texts from his ex-girlfriend in Dallas, who wanted to get back together with him. 

He said she had been very dependent upon him when they were together and he felt he had to respond to her desperate texts (see my article: Is Your Partner Stuck in a Codependent Relationship With an Ex?)

All the while when they were arguing about his texting during dinner, June sensed there was more to this problem, but she was in denial at that point. As a result, they were both reluctant to address the problem and their conversations focused on his phone use instead of the fact that he was secretly communicating with an ex-girlfriend.

Over time, June and Roger worked on her sense of betrayal and Roger's inability to set limits with his former girlfriend. He was clear that he didn't want to get back with her, but he was ambivalent about giving up his role in her life.

After June gave him an ultimatum to either stop communicating with his ex or she would leave him, Roger set limits with his ex and he blocked her on his phone. 

He also got into his own individual therapy to work on how unresolved childhood trauma related to his role as a parentified child contributed to his current problems.

Conclusion

It's common for couples to discover each other's annoying habits. 

Communicating with empathy can help your partner to understand why you find their habit annoying. You also need to develop an openness and willingness to hear about your own annoying habits.

There are times when couples focus on annoying habits as a way to avoid dealing with bigger problems like in the clinical vignette above.  

It's important to deal with underlying problems that might be causing problems in your relationship rather than tiptoeing around these problems.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have been unable to work out your problems on your own, you could benefit from seeking help from a couples therapist.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

Once you have worked through your issues, you and your partner can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experiencing working with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why is the Psychotherapist's Empathic Attunement to a Client's Unconscious Communication So Important in Therapy?

When there is a strong sense of empathic attunement between the therapist and client, when feelings are unspoken and communicated without words.  Feelings can be communicated unconsciously (see my article: Why is Empathy So Important in Psychotherapy?).

A Therapist's Empathic Attunement

Sensing Unconscious Communication
A skilled therapist, who is trained in psychodynamic psychotherapy, can often pick up on a client's unconscious communication during a therapy session.  It often goes the other way too, where an intuitive client can pick up on what is unconsciously being communicated by the therapist.

In fact, at various times, we all pick up on what is unconscious and unspoken in our daily lives, especially with people who are close to us.  Sometimes we're more aware of it than others.

The Psychotherapy Session as a Unique Time and Place For Unconscious Communication
The psychotherapy session is a unique place where a special time is designated on a weekly basis for the therapist and the client to meet to focus on the client's emotional needs.  

There are no interruptions or distractions, so this creates an especially good environment for the therapist to pick up on unconscious communication if she works with unconscious process.

There are times when a therapist might ask about what she senses with the client on an unconscious level because she thinks it would help their work together.  Then, there are other times when she might not because it would be premature and would not serve their work.

As a therapist, I find that it's usually best to ask the client rather than to tell him or her what I might be sensing on the unconscious level for several reasons:

• First, I could be completely wrong in what I think I'm sensing.  
• Second, I might be correct, but the client might not be ready to talk about it.  
• Third, by being somewhat tentative in discussing possible unconscious communication, it allows clients the freedom to reflect on it in their own way rather than imposing my view.

Often, if the therapist is emotionally attuned and the timing is right, talking about what is being unconsciously communicated by the client can open up new areas to be explored in the therapy.

An Example of the Therapist's Empathic Attunement to Unconscious Communication in the Therapy Session
It's not unusual for clients to experience feelings of abandonment when their therapist plans to be away.  These are often unconscious feelings.

Clients, who had behave like adults when they were children, are very good at hiding fear of abandonment. They had a lot of practice as children pretending that they were okay when they really weren't (see my article: Unresolved Childhood Trauma).

Many clients even convinced themselves as children that they were really okay when they really weren't.  So, pretending to be okay to themselves as well as others when they're not comes naturally to them.  They don't even need to think about it.

If the therapist is attuned to a client and also knows the client's history, the therapist can often sense the client's unconscious feelings of abandonment before the therapist goes away.  

It's important for the therapist to be as tactful as possible, especially for clients with unresolved trauma.

If the therapist doesn't use tact and good timing, clients might feel ashamed of their feelings, as they might have when they were children when they were expected to be more mature for their age and psychological development at the time.

But if the therapist is tactful and helps clients to understand that many clients experience similar feelings, especially if they had childhood trauma where they were abandoned emotionally, then it can be a relief to clients. This usually makes discussing what has been communicated unconsciously more meaningful to them.

How Does a Therapist Sense the Client's Unconscious Communication?
Not all therapists work with the unconscious.  For instance, a therapist who is strictly a cognitive behavioral therapist often will not deal with the unconscious mind.  

But assuming that the therapist has training in psychodynamic psychotherapy and is skilled in  detecting unconscious communication, she has different ways she might sense unconscious communication from the client.

For instance, as a psychotherapist who was originally trained in psychodynamic psychotherapy, I often sense physically or emotionally what the client is feeling.  

It's often a visceral feeling for me.  Other times, it's a thought.  Or, I might have a particular song playing in my mind and the words or tune are relevant to what's happening with the client.  

A picture might also flash in my mind's eye that is relevant to my interaction with the client during his or her session.  Then, it 's a matter of whether or not to communicate it to the client and, if so, how.

The Therapist's Attunement Can Be Emotionally Reparative For the Client
The therapist's attunement is usually emotionally reparative experience for clients, especially if they grew up with adults who weren't emotionally attuned to them when they were children.

As previously mentioned, therapists make mistakes at times.  When a therapist makes a mistake with regard to emotional attunement, it's important for the therapist to acknowledge this to the client (see my article: Psychotherapy: Ruptures and Repairs Between You and Your Therapist).

My Next Article: The Healing Potential of the Therapist's Empathic Attunement

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT,  Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

As an Experiential Psychotherapist, who is trained in psychodynamic psychotherapy,  I value clients' unconscious communication.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Humor Can Be Effective in Psychotherapy

Humor can be effective in psychotherapy when the timing is right and when it's used in a tactful way. The therapist needs to know the client well enough to know how the client will respond to humor.  Sometimes, humor helps clients to develop a different perspective about their problem.

Humor as a Sign of Resilience
Over the years, many of my clients, as they have started to feel better, have come in with humorous stories about themselves.  Whereas in the past, the same event might have been overwhelming for them,  at that point in the therapy, they can poke fun at themselves and gain a different perspective on their situation.  It's often a sign of emotional resilience when clients can laugh at themselves in a good natured way.

Humor Can Be Effective  in Psychotherapy

Seeing a Funny Movie or Reading a Funny Book Can Be an Emotional Uplift

Clients who are anxious and depressed will often report that they feel uplifted by going to see a funny movie or reading a comical passage in a book.  Sometimes, that emotional uplift that they feel is enough to open them up to the possibility of overcoming certain obstacles that seemed too daunting before.

Sometimes, people are able to see the humorous side of an otherwise difficult situation.  Good examples of this can be found in books by David Sedaris, who is a master at poking fun at himself and finding humor in even the most dismal circumstances.

Charlie Chaplin's movies often combine pathos and humor.  An example of this would be his movie,  "Modern Times."

Humor Can Be a Bonding Experience Between a Client and a Therapist
Humor can be a bonding experience between a client and a therapist.  When used appropriately, it can open up a dialog between the client and therapist that might not have been possible before.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

photo credit: gwilmore via photopin cc

Expressing Condolences in a Caring and Tactful Manner

Over the years, I've had many psychotherapy clients who have come to me after the loss of a loved one, who expressed how hurt and angry they felt about the manner in which family and friends expressed their condolences.  Often, these clients told me that well-meaning friends expressed their condolences by saying things like, "You shouldn't feel bad--he's in a better place now," which only served to infuriate and frustrate the clients who had sustained the loss.

Expressing Condolences in a Caring and Tactful Manner

Use Tact When Expressing Condolences
If only people who said these kinds of things could stop for a moment and think about what a tactless remark this is, and how it fails to take into account what a grieving person is feeling at that moment.

It's understandable that many people feel that whatever they might say to someone who is grieving would be inadequate to the grieving person's feelings.  It's also understandable that, although we're all going to die one day, many people feel uncomfortable talking about or dealing with death.  But that's no excuse for the lack of an empathetic response to someone who is grieving.

Be Empathetic When Expressing Condolences
Like many other situations, it helps to try to put yourself in the other person's shoes.  If someone you loved very much died, would you find it helpful to you emotionally to hear your feelings invalidated?   I'm sure not.  Yet, this is what people do, unintentionally, when they tell a grieving person that they shouldn't feel sad because their loved one is in "a better place."

Mostly, people who are grieving want the emotional support of friends and family.  A simple, "I'm sorry for your loss" is fine.  The person who is grieving over the loss doesn't expect that you're going to find the magic phrase to make him or her feel better.  He or she just wants to know that you cared enough to show up and pay your respects.

Sharing meaningful memories with the person who is grieving can also be a tactful and meaningful way to show that you care.  I remember being at a funeral several years ago for a friend's mother.  Her mother's former coworker told her a few memorable stories about her mother, things that my friend didn't know and that she enjoyed hearing about it.  I could see how moved she was to hear these stories as well as hearing how well liked her mother had been at the office.

Everyone Grieves Differently
It's also important to remember that everyone grieves in his or her own way, which might not be the way you grieve.  So, we must all remind ourselves that there is no way one to go through the grieving process.  It's especially not helpful to urge widows or widowers to "move on" before they're ready.

I'm reminded of a friend who, having lost her husband of 15 years only a few months before, had to deal with a well-meaning friend who was urging her to "move on" and start dating before my friend was ready.  These remarks made my friend feel very alone in her grief, as if she was some kind of "freak" who was continuing to grieve after what others thought was too long a time period.

Eventually, she stopped listening to people who were urging her to "move on" and she mourned her husband in the way that felt right for her.  A couple of years later, she began taking tentative steps to start dating casually, and she eventually met her current husband.  But it was important for her to go through the grieving process in her own way.

Let Compassion and Empathy Be Your Guide When Expressing Condolences
If you feel uncomfortable and not sure of what to say to a friend or family member who is grieving, rather than allowing your discomfort to lead to tactless remarks, let compassion and empathy be your guide.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, you can visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my article: Coping with the Loss of a Loved One: How to Take Care of Yourself