Improving Communication in Your Relationship: How to Stop "Kitchen Sinking" Your Partner

In my prior article about improving communication in a relationship, What's the Difference Between Complaining and Criticizing? , I focused on a common problem that many couples have when they argue, which is criticizing their partner's personality or character instead of complaining about a particular action or behavior (see my article: Improve Communication in Your Relationship By Eliminating the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse).

In the current article, I'm focusing on another common problem: "kitchen sinking."

What is "Kitchen Sinking" in a Relationship?

"Kitchen sinking" involves bringing up unrelated issues or past grievances when a couple is arguing about a particular issue.

Stop "Kitchen Sinking" Your Partner

Metaphorically, "kitchen sinking" refers to when one or both partners throw everything at each other except the kitchen sink. 

An Example of "Kitchen Sinking"

Betty (sounding frustrated): "I felt disappointed when I woke up this morning and found the same dirty dishes in the sink you said you would wash.  We talked about the ant problem and how important it is not to leave dirty dishes in the sink because we just got over an infestation."

Ray (defensively): "Yeah, well, you're not perfect either. Last week you forgot to make a payment on our credit card and we were charged interest."

Betty (annoyed): "What does that have to do with the dishes in the sink? Can we stick to that topic?"

Stop "Kitchen Sinking" Your Partner

Ray (defensively): If you're going to complain to me about something I didn't do, I'm going to complain about something you didn't do. Not only that--we agreed that you would take care of making travel arrangements for our trip that's coming up in two months and you haven't done that either. You also didn't get an estimate from the electrician yet. And don't think I forgot about how you kept me waiting at the restaurant for 20 minutes last month."

Betty (even more frustrated): "I don't know why you're bringing up all these other things that we've already discussed? And you know I already apologized for keeping you waiting last month and you accepted my apology. Why do you keep bringing up all these unrelated things?"

Ray (as he's walking out the door): "Oh forget it! I can't talk to you. I'm going to see my friend, Mike. Don't wait up for me."

Betty (exasperated as she watches Ray walk out the door): "I'm so overwhelmed and tired of these arguments" (referring to ongoing arguments where Ray has a tendency to "kitchen sink" her).

Why is "Kitchen Sinking" a Problem?

The problems with "kitchen sinking" includes:

• Diverting attention away from the current problem
• Cluttering the current topic with a list of unrelated problems
• Muddling the current topic
• Escalating the discussion from a complaint to criticism
• Making it difficult to get back to the original problem
• Making it difficult to resolve the original problem
• Creating resentment and frustration
• Creating stress and emotional overwhelm

In the example above, Betty starts the conversation with a complaint about Ray's behavior when she expresses her disappointment that he didn't follow through on their agreement that he would wash the dishes.

Note that she's using an "I message" about how she feels and she's not criticizing his personality or character. Her complaint is specific regarding his behavior (or in this case about something he agreed to do and didn't).  

She also referred to why it was important to wash the dishes because it's connected to a problem they're trying to avoid, which is a reoccurrence of an infestation of ants.

Ray, who felt defensive about not doing what he said he would do, chose to respond by criticizing Betty when he told her she's "not perfect." 

Consciously or unconsciously, he's hoping to divert the discussion away from his behavior to Betty's character ("not perfect") and a list of unrelated grievances he has against her, including her lateness from last month after he already accepted her apology and, supposedly, forgiven her for being late.

How to Stop "Kitchen Sinking" Your Partner

The following suggestions could help you and your partner if one or both of you have a tendency to engage in "kitchen sinking":

• Regulate Your Emotions: If you know you have a tend to fly off the handle, get defensive and divert discussions from the topic at hand to unrelated topics, learn to regulate your emotions by:

• Slowing down

• Recognizing and learning to cope with your triggers

• Using effective strategies to cope with heated discussions with your partner

• Focusing on the present moment and the current problem

• Taking a break if you feel yourself getting overwhelmed, but do so by having an agreement with your partner beforehand about when you'll resume the discussion at a mutually agreed upon time. Then, follow through with that agreement by getting back to the discussion after you have calmed down.

• Be Intentional: Before you and your partner engage in a discussion, agree to what you'll both be discussing and then stick to that topic.  Avoid criticizing or bringing up unrelated topics. Communicate with "I" messages ("I feel guilty that I didn't do what I said I would do").

• Take Responsibility: Instead of trying to divert the discussion into unrelated areas, take responsibility if you know you made a mistake. This can help to avoid long drawn out arguments. And, if you're the partner who is complaining, practice compassion and forgiveness, when appropriate, especially if the problem is relatively minor.

Focus on Problems as a Team

• Focus on the Problem as a Team: Instead of criticizing and blaming each other, focus on resolving the problem together as a team.

Get Help in Therapy

When "kitchen sinking" has become an ingrained pattern for a couple, it often becomes part of a negative cycle in a relationship (see my article: Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship With Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples).

If you and your partner have been unable to improve your communication on your own, you could benefit from working with a couples therapist who knows how to help couples to overcome communication problems.

A skilled couples therapist can help you to develop the skills and strategies you need to improve your communication so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many clients to communicate more effectively in their relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW.- NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.