Can Hookups Be Safer and More Sexually Satisfying For Heterosexual Women?

In my last article, Sex Research: Heterosexual Women Often Find Hookups Less Sexually Satisfying Than Men, I discussed some of the reasons why heterosexual women often feel less sexual pleasure during hookups than men. 

In this article, I'm focusing on how these hookups can be safer and more sexually satisfying for women.

Can Hookups Be Safer and More Sexually Satisfying For Women?

Let's face it: Regardless of how you feel about hookups, they're here to stay--for adolescents, college students and people in their 20s and beyond. 

So, for the purpose of this article, it's not a matter of stopping hookups or casual sex--it's more a matter of how to make hookups better for women who want to hookup.

Before going on, I want to clarify why I'm focusing on heterosexual women in particular. 

Based on sex research, compared to gay men, bisexual men, bisexual women and lesbians, heterosexual women have the least sexually satisfying sex, even in committed relationships, and even less satisfying during hookups and casual sex (see my articles: Closing the Orgasm Gap - Part 1 and Closing the Orgasm Gap - Part 2).  

More about this in the second half of this article.

Can Hookups Be Safer For Heterosexual Women?

Let's start by focusing on personal safety.

Personal safety is an important issue for heterosexual women who are much more at risk during hookups.  

According to the Centers For Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), 1 in 5 women are sexually assaulted in the United States.  

This is an astounding number.  It means that 20% of women in the US are sexually assaulted at some point in their lifetime.  

Considering that alcohol and drugs are often a part of hooking up, you can see where safety could be an issue when both people are impaired with regard to using good judgment and practicing consensual sex (see my article: What is Sexual Consent?).

    Tips For Safer Hookups

Although any hookup can be potentially unsafe, there are steps you can take as a woman to make them safer:

• Share Your Location With Trusted Friends: Before you meet with the person you're hooking up with, share your location so, in case of an emergency, people know where you are and how to find you. You can do this through your iPhone or using Google Maps.

• Keep Friends Informed: Share the first and last name of the person you're hooking up with and one of their social media accounts, like Instagram. Also, keep your friends posted with your whereabouts if you leave the place where you originally told them you would be.

• Practice Safer Sex and Carry Your Own Condoms: You can't always rely on your sex partner to have condoms, so bring your own to protect your health and theirs as well.  If your partner refuses to use a condom, don't engage in fellatio or have intercourse.

• Know Your Partner's Sexual Health Status: Even though it's good to use condoms, condoms aren't 100% safe when it comes to sexually transmitted infections and HIV. So, it's good for both you and your partner to get tested beforehand so you know each other's sexual health status.

• Be Aware of  Your Alcohol Consumption: Be mindful of how much you drink and what you drink. Never take a drink that wasn't given to you directly by the bartender, especially if you don't know your hookup partner well, because someone could easily slip a drug into your drunk that will impair you.

• Don't Walk Home Alone Late at Night: Make sure you have friends who can walk you home from wherever you were hooking up with your partner, especially if it's late at night or you're in a remote area.  If your friends aren't available, have enough money or a credit card with you to take a taxi or car service home.

• Trust Your Instincts: If you get the feeling that something is off, don't hang around just to be polite. Trust your gut and leave without feeling guilty. This is about your personal safety.

Can Hookups Be More Sexually Satisfying For Heterosexual Women?

Now that I've discussed the safety precautions, let's focus on how hookups can be more sexually satisfying for women, which is so important considering the orgasm gap.

    Tips For More Sexually Satisfying Hookups

Since women often leave hookups without experiencing an orgasm or without even feeling sexual pleasure, here are some tips:

• Know What You Like Sexually: Whether you discover what you enjoy sexually from experiences you've had with other partners or from solo sex, get to know your body and what you like (see my articles: Sexual Self Discovery With Pleasure Mapping and Keeping an Erotic Journal).

Know What You Like Sexually and Tell Your Partner

• Tell Your Partner What You Like: You can learn to get comfortable talking about sex with a partner by practicing. The more you're able to talk about what's pleasurable to you, the easier it can get.  Don't assume your partner knows or is even concerned about your sexual satisfaction, especially if you don't know each other well. You're entitled to sexual pleasure, so don't settle for less (see my article: Finding Your Sexual Voice).

• Take the Time to Get Sexually Aroused: Whether you experience spontaneous desire or, if you're like most women, you experience responsive desire, take the time to get aroused by kissing, touching, clitoral stimulation or doing whatever it is that gets you turned on (assuming your partner consents to it) before you engage in oral sex or intercourse. Don't allow your partner to rush you if you're not ready.

• Make Sure You Use Lube: Even if you're very turned on and already wet, adding lubrication can help reduce the amount of friction that can make penetrative sex unpleasant and even painful. Remember that oil-based lubricants break down latex condoms.

• Use Sexual Fantasies to Get Yourself Turned On: Sex starts in the brain, so if you want to get turned on, think about your sexual fantasies, including your peak erotic experiences.

• Feel Free to Use a Vibrator to Have an Orgasm: Depending upon whom you're with, your partner might have an orgasm before you do. Some partners can be more sexually generous than others, but if you're with someone who is mostly focused on their own orgasm, feel free to use a vibrator to have your orgasm. There are now so many varieties to choose from, including small bullet vibrators that are so convenient that you can carry one in your pocket.

Conclusion

Hookups aren't for everyone, but they're not going away any time soon.

Since heterosexual women are more at risk than men, it makes sense to take basic precautions to ensure personal safety.

In addition, since heterosexual women tend to have less satisfying sex than men, knowing what you like and being able to tell your partner can help you to have more satisfying sex.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

If you're having a sexual problem, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist.

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Individual adults and people in relationships seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

During sex therapy, there is no nudity, physical exam or sex during therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding Men Who Can Only Get Their Emotional Needs Met Through Sex

The need for emotional connection is a universal need for both men and women.  But many men are only comfortable having their emotional needs met through sexual activity (see my articles: Understanding the Emotional Dynamics of Men Who Are Players and The Thrill of the Sexual Chase).  

At the root of this problem is our culture, which gives men the message, either implicitly or explicitly, "Be a man! Don't ask a woman for love and affection! Get her in bed instead!" So, when we consider the enormous pressure society places on men to suppress their emotional needs, is it any wonder that many men can only get their emotional needs met through sex?  

Understanding Men Who Can Only Get Their Emotional Needs Met Through Sex

The need to attach emotionally is a core need that all babies experience from birth.  In fact, this need is so essential that babies wouldn't survive if they couldn't form an emotional attachment with their mothers (see my article:  How the Early Attachment Bond Affects Adult Relationships). 

The need for emotional attachment continues throughout the life cycle from cradle to grave.  So, when men suppress these needs, there are negative consequences, including experiencing shame, depression and anxiety.

While it's true that sex and physical touch can lead to emotional intimacy, the problem arises when it's the only way an individual can seek closeness with a partner.  

In addition, when men can only channel their emotional needs through sex, this creates problems in  relationships with women because women often misunderstand these men, and they think, "He doesn't love me. He's only interested in me for sex," when, in reality, he might really love her.  The problem is that he just doesn't know how to express it in any other way--except through sex.

Common Examples of Men Who Can Only Get Their Emotional Needs Met Through Sex

Here are some common examples:

• Reducing Sadness:  Ted often feels sad, but when he was growing up, he was told by his parents that he needs to be "strong" and it's a sign of weakness when a man expresses sadness.  So, instead of expressing his feelings, Ted disconnects from his sadness by chasing women and hooking up with as many women as he can to experience the comfort of physical touch.  The dopamine release he gets from having sex gives him relief from his sadness temporarily.  But since he only gets a temporary reprieve from his sad feelings, he continues to pursue sex again and again whenever he can't suppress his sadness.

• Reducing Anxiety: John feels overwhelmed by his anxiety, but he doesn't want to appear "weak" by letting anyone know he's anxious.  Instead, he tries to reduce his anxiety by pursuing frequent sexual encounters.  These sexual encounters help to relieve his anxiety for a while, but since the it's only a temporary fix, he continues to pursue sexual activity in order to quell his anxiety.

• Overcoming Loneliness: Mark feels lonely and isolated, but he was raised to believe that "a real man" doesn't feel lonely--much less admit to anyone that he feels this way.  So, rather than seeking emotional connection or talking about his loneliness, he seeks comfort from his loneliness in frequent one night stands.  The physical touch he experiences in these hook ups gives him comfort for a time, but after a while his feelings of loneliness come to the surface again and the only way he knows how to deal with his feelings is through sex.  So, he engages in many one night stands obsessively.

• Seeking Sex Instead of Affection: Alex has been in a monogamous relationship with Jane for a year.  She frequently complains that the only time Alex allows her to get close to him is when they're having sex.  She would like to spend time cuddling and being affectionate with him when they're at home, but whenever she tries to get close to him, he stiffens up and gets defensive. Jane complains to Alex that she feels he doesn't really love her--she thinks he only wants to have sex with her. She tells him that she feels "used" by him.  Whenever Jane tells him this, Alex doesn't know what to say.  He loves Jane, but he doesn't know how to tell her how uncomfortable he feels with physical affection outside of the bedroom.

• Attempting to Repair Arguments With Sex: Bill and Alice have been married for two years.  They have frequent arguments about ongoing unresolved problems.  Whenever Alice tries to get Bill to talk about their problems, she feels disappointed and abandoned because Bill walks away from her.  The more Alice attempts to get Bill to talk, the more emotionally distant he becomes. And the more distant he becomes, the angrier and more frustrated Alice becomes.  After a while, Bill will approach Alice sexually as a way to repair their argument because this is the only way he knows how to reconnect with her.  But Alice is still angry and she's not in the mood for sex.  Whenever Bill approaches her in this way, Alice feels even angrier because she thinks he wants to avoid dealing with their problems by trying to be sexual.  Bill, in turn, feels Alice doesn't understand him.  He loves her and he just wants to get close to her in bed, but since she turns him down at these times, he doesn't know what else to do.

The scenarios outlined above are only a few examples of men who can only get their emotional needs met through sex.

Getting Help in Therapy

Experiencing your full range of core emotions--including anger, sadness, joy, disgust, and sexual excitement is a universal need.

If you're suppressing your core emotions--with the exception of sexual excitement--you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed psychotherapist who has experience helping clients to overcome these problems.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP,  EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome their fear of their core emotions so that they could lead healthier and happier lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Should You Hook Up With Your Ex?

In my prior article, 7 Reasons Why You Might Be Struggling to Get Over a Breakup, I focused on the primary reasons why many people have a hard time getting over a breakup. In this article, I'll be discussing a topic that I covered briefly in that article about breakups, which is whether you and your ex should get back together to have sex. The focus in this article isn't a moralistic one.  It's about your emotional well-being and what works for you.

Should You Hook Up With Your Ex?

I get it--even though you might not have been compatible in other areas, you and your ex might've had amazing sex which you're finding hard to give up.

Maybe it was even the best sex of your life.  Maybe it was exciting, hot and fun and you both felt great afterwards.  So, it's understandable why you're missing the sex and wanting to hook up, especially if you're either not seeing anyone else or your experiences with dating have been disappointing.

Why Hooking Up With Your Ex Might Be Okay
Here are some reasons why it might be okay:

• You and Your Ex Are Both in Agreement About Having Casual Sex and Nothing More
• You've both on the same page that, while the relationship didn't work out, you can still have no strings attached (NSA) sex with the understanding that you're not in a relationship and you're not going to get back together.
• You respect one another's well-being and only want the best for each other.

• You Don't Have Unrealistic Expectations
• You have no expectations that your ex will only see you and not date other people and vice versa.
• Both of you are beyond the point of feeling jealous if either of you is casually dating and having sex with other people.

• You're Not Trying to Use Sex to Get Back Together
• Neither you nor your ex is using sex to try to get back together again (see my article: The Heartbreak of the On Again, Off Again Relationship).

• You're Free of Any Illusions and Can Enjoy the Pleasure of Having Sex With Your Ex
• Having no expectations or illusions about what's possible, you're both free to enjoy the pleasure of being sexual, especially since you both know what the other person likes and you're sexually compatible with each other.
• You can give yourself over to sexual pleasure without guilt, resentment or regret afterwards.

Why Hooking Up With Your Ex Could Be a Bad Idea
Here are some reasons why it might not work out for you:

• You're Still in Love
• If you're still emotionally attached to your ex and you have sex with him (or her), you're going to have a much harder time getting over the breakup if you're sexually involved.  
• Not only might you both continue to carry a torch for each other, you both might have a hard time being open to meeting new people.

• You're Secretly Hoping to Get Back Together Again
• You need to be honest with yourself and your ex. 
• Saying that you don't want to get back together (when you really do) and using sex to lure your ex back is a form of manipulation.
• The falsehood will probably become apparent soon.
• If you get involved again, as a couple, you might end up in the same place as you were before the breakup, which will be even more painful.

• You Feel Lonely and Want Your Ex's Companionship
• It's common to feel lonely after a breakup.  This is normal.  It's also something that most people overcome after a period of healing.
• Although loneliness can feel overwhelming, hopping back in bed with your ex isn't the solution, especially if you're not both on the same page about what it means that you're being sexual again.
• You might feel better temporarily but, once again, this is just a short term solution to a much larger problem, which is that you're unwilling to go through this stage of the breakup (see my article: Coping With the Stages of a Breakup
• In seeking a short term solution, you're losing sight of the longer term problem and that you could both get hurt again when things go back to how they were before the breakup.

• You're Using Your Ex to Get Someone Else Jealous
• Maybe you've started seeing someone new and this person isn't paying as much attention to you as you would like, so you reconnect with your ex to try to make the new person jealous.
• Not only is this manipulative, it also has the potential for everyone in the situation to get hurt, including you.
• Both your ex and the new person might see the manipulation for what it is and both of them could end up not wanting to have anything to do with you.

• Your Ex Didn't Treat You Well When You Were in a Relationship
• Chances are good that if you ex didn't treat you well when you were in a relationship, s/he won't treat you well if you're hooking up.
• If you couldn't trust your ex when you were together, even if your expectations have changed, you probably won't be able to trust your ex with whatever ground rules the two of you have set up for having casual sex or in other areas (see my article: Are You Giving Away Your Personal Power to Someone Who Doesn't Treat You Well?).

Conclusion
This isn't a moralistic perspective.  It's about your emotional well-being.

There are times when hooking up with your ex might work for both of you without either of you getting hurt.  But this all depends on if you both are on the same page about having casual sex together without trying to get back to a dynamic that didn't work before.

Only you can decide what's best for you, but making that decision can be challenging because emotions can get in the way. You might need help from a licensed mental health professional who would be impartial and without judgment but who also has the expertise to help you make the best decision for yourself.

Getting Help in Therapy
Trying to decide what's best for you can be confusing, especially when your emotions are in conflict with what you know is best for you.

Many therapists in New York City, including me, are providing online therapy, which is also called teletherapy, telemental health and telehealth (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy When You Can't Meet Your Therapist in Person).

If you're feeling stuck, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed psychotherapist who has experience with helping clients with relationship and sexual issues.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrated Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Relationships: Is Your Partner "Breadcrumbing" You? Part 3: Getting Help in Therapy

In my prior articles about "breadcrumbing," I discussed this concept in terms of it being a deceptive strategy used by a person in a relationship to string along and dominate their partner for selfish purposes.  In Part 2 of this topic, I also provided a fictional vignette to illustrate how this happens (see my articles: Relationships: Is Your Partner "Breadcrumbing" You? - Part 1 and Part 2).  In this article, I'm continuing with that same fictional vignette to show how psychotherapy can help someone who is caught in this web of deception.

Relationships: Is Your Partner "Breadcrumbing You?" Part 3: Getting Help in Therapy

A Clinical Vignette: How Psychotherapy Can Help Someone Who is Being Manipulated in a Relationship

Tania:
To recap from Part 2 of this topic:
Soon after Tania ended her relationship with Ed, she began dating John, a handsome, charming, intelligent and gregarious man she met at a party.  Initially, she was happy to meet John.  She couldn't believe she could feel so excited about meeting someone new.

But her excitement quickly turned into a roller coaster of emotions from excitement to disappointment and sadness.  Eventually, it turned into feelings of low self worth as it became evident that John was stringing her along for his own selfish purposes.  Specifically, Tania really liked John and she wanted to date him, but he was only interested in hooking up.

Tania confided in her friend,  Alicia, who had been unaware that Tania was dating John.  She told her about all the disappointments, cancelled plans, invitations to his apartment only to have sex, and so on.  Alicia listened patiently and then she told Tania that John had a reputation for being a player who would string women along with just enough attention to keep them interested and contacting him, but without giving of anything in the way of real substance.

Even though Tania could see John's pattern of behavior in hindsight, she still felt drawn to him, so she was reluctant to cut him off.  But as she realized that being around him was making her increasingly unhappy and she was feeling bad about herself, she took steps to stop contact with him.

At Alicia's suggestion, Tania contacted a psychotherapist that Alicia recommended, and Tania set up a consultation with the therapist.

During the initial consultation, Tania talked about how sad she had been after she broke up with Ed because, even though she loved him, she could see that there would be no future with him given how afraid he was to fully commit to their relationship and take it to the next step.

Tania told the therapist that, in hindsight, she could see that she was emotionally vulnerable when she met John because she had not fully grieved the end of her relationship with Ed.  Even though she liked John when she first met him, she also realized now that he was somewhat of a distraction for her to keep her from feeling the sadness related to the end of her relationship with Ed.

When Tania talked about how John manipulated her by stringing her along, she told the therapist that not only did she feel disappointed--she also felt foolish and ashamed for allowing him to manipulate her time after time.  She realized that she had been lonely after her breakup, and this contributed to her allowing a bad situation with John to go on for as long as it did.  She said she kept hoping that he would realize how much he liked her and treat her better.

Her psychotherapist felt empathetic towards Tania.  She realized that Tania was being very hard on herself, and she normalized the situation by telling Tania that people who use breadcrumbing as a manipulative strategy are usually very good at it and they sense the other person's emotional vulnerability, which they take advantage of for their own selfish purposes.

They also discussed Tania's family background and early childhood.  Tania revealed that she was closer to her father than her mother.  When she was five, her parents divorced and she hardly saw him after that because he moved out of state.  She told the therapist that she grew up yearning to be around her father.  In hindsight, Tania said she felt her father was narcissistic and he didn't take into account how much she missed him and how disappointing it was when he was hours late without an explanation to pick her up.

On those rare occasions that she saw him when he came to visit New York, she said she missed him so much that she overlooked that he came very late or he would sometimes cancel at the last minute.  Looking back on it, Tania said, she thought she didn't want to make waves by complaining to her father because she was afraid that he would get angry and she would see him even less.

As Tania was talking about this, she realized for the first time that she had similar feelings with John as she did with her father.  She and her therapist talked about the similarities between John and Tania's father. They also discussed the connection between how she was with her father and how she interacted with John, and Tania felt a strong connection.

During the next several months, Tania worked in therapy to deal with the loss of her relationship with Ed.  She and her therapist also worked on the earlier trauma of yearning for a father who lacked empathy for her feelings when she was a child and the connection to her dating relationship with John.

To overcome these issues, her therapist used a combination of Somatic Experiencing and EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy (see my article: Integrating EMDR Therapy and Somatic Psychotherapy).

Both EMDR therapy and Somatic Experiencing are experiential types of therapy that get to the underlying issues more effectively than regular talk therapy (see my articles: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma and Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR Therapy, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

They worked on helping Tania to overcome her early childhood trauma.  Then, they worked on Tania's current problems and her anticipation about the future.

Relationships: Is Your Partner "Breadcrumbing" You?  Part 3: Getting Help in Therapy

Over time, Tania gradually felt better.  As a result of her trauma therapy work, Tania no longer felt drawn to men like John.  In addition, when she met someone who attempted to manipulate her in a similar way, she saw it immediately and she took care of herself by ending contact with him because she felt she deserved better.

Conclusion
Breadcrumbing is a form of manipulation that is used by both men and women to dominate and control the other person in a romantic situation.

People who are susceptible to being manipulated like this usually have earlier underlying issues that are getting replayed in the current situation--similar to the fictional vignette about Tania.  This is why these people are particularly vulnerable to these type of mind games.

Aside from stirring up old issues that s/he might be unaware of until they are unearthed in therapy, this type of manipulation often has a negative impact on the person's self esteem, especially if this person remains in the situation with the hope of getting a commitment from the person who is manipulating him or her.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you have been hurt by someone who manipulated you in a relationship, you owe it to yourself to get professional help from a licensed mental health professional.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to work through the underlying issues that make you vulnerable to this type of manipulation so that you're no longer susceptible to these mind games.

Once you have freed yourself from the emotional abuse of breadcrumbing, you can make better romantic choices and lead a more fulfilling life (see my article: Choosing Healthier Romantic Relationships).

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and uses Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Is Your Partner "Breadcrumbing" You - Part 2: A Clinical Vignette

In my prior article, Relationships: Is Your Partner "Breadcrumbing" You?, I discussed the dynamics involved with breadcrumbing.  As I discussed in that article, this is usually an intentional form of manipulation whereby the person who engages in breadcrumbing through intermittent text messages (and other forms of messaging) lures people in to get them interested for the sole purpose of boosting their own ego, manipulating, dominating them, and getting attention.  The person who engages in breadcrumbing is usually only interested in casual encounters like hooking up--not serious relationships.

Relationships: The Manipulation of Breadcrumbing

A Clinical Vignette About the Dynamics of Breadcrumbing:

Tania
While attending her friend's party, Tania met John, a handsome, charismatic and intelligent man who approached Tania soon after she arrived.

Tania was immediately captivated by John's good looks, charm, gregariousness, intelligence and sense of humor.  She was also struck by how well he listened to her and how interested he was in getting to know her.

Two months before, Tania broke up with Ed, someone she had been in a relationship with for several years.  Until she met John, she had been hesitant about getting involved with another man because she was still very upset that the relationship with Ed had not worked out.  Although they loved each other and they talked about moving in together, Ed was too afraid of taking their relationship to the next level.  Since Tania was in her early 30s, she decided, reluctantly, to end her relationship with Ed because she wanted to get married and have children before it was too late.  She understood Ed’s fears and she had a lot of empathy, but she also had a strong feeling that Ed would never get over his fears and she would end up alone.

By the end of the evening at her friend's party, Tania agreed to give John her phone number so they could get together.  And she was pleasantly surprised to hear from him late that evening after she got home.  He sent her a text message telling her that he enjoyed talking to her and hoped to see her soon.

Tania responded that she really enjoyed talking to him too, and she also hoped they could get together for a drink within the next week or so.  Then, she waited to hear from John--and she waited and waited, but she didn't hear from him, so she sent him a text to see if he wanted to get together.

Within a few hours later, at around 10 PM, she heard from John.  She felt herself light up as soon as she saw his text.  He apologized for not getting in touch with her sooner.  He said he had been very busy at work.  Then, he texted her that he would really like to see her and asked her if she wanted to go out for drinks that night.

Tania hesitated because she was about to take a shower and have an early night, but she really liked John and she thought there was no harm in meeting him for a drink that night.  So, she texted him that she could meet him for about an hour or so that night and asked him where he would like to go.

John responded that there was a great bar near his apartment and he asked her if she would feel comfortable meeting him at his place so they could go together.  Once again, Tania was hesitant.  She wondered why, if the bar was so close to his apartment, they didn't just meet at the bar, but then she thought she was being silly.  So, she agreed to meet him at his place so they could go together.

When she arrived at John's place, he seemed really happy to see her.  He told her that he had had a long day and he was mixing himself a drink.  Then, he made her favorite drink and suggested that they relax for a few minutes before they went to the bar.

As they sat on the couch, John leaned over and kissed Tania.  For the first time since she broke up with Ed, Tania felt sexually aroused by the kiss, and she was thrilled that she could enjoy being with a man again.

Then, John asked Tania if she would mind a lot if they stayed in because he was really tired and he would rather spend time with her in his place.  Tania could see that John sensed her hesitation and he quickly apologized, "I'm sorry, Tania.  I don't want you to think that I lured you here to jump on your bones.  I like you and I don't want to move too fast."

Tania told him that she really liked him too, but she could only stay an hour or so because she needed to get up early the next morning.  She sensed his disappointment, but he said he understood and they chatted about their lives until Tania said it was time for her to leave.  Then, John walked her home, kissed her good night and told her that he would contact her within the next few days.

During the next three days, Tania thought a lot about John.  She knew she should slow herself down because she was already head over heels about him, and she didn't want to get involved too fast, especially since she had just ended her prior relationship. But she felt she couldn't help herself.

By Day 4, Tania was getting concerned that she might not hear from John.  Although she was concerned, she decided to wait to hear from him rather than contacting him.

By Day 5 at around 11 PM, John sent Tania a text, "What's up?" Tania was happy to hear from John and sent him a long text updating him on what had been going on with her during the last several days.  She waited to hear from him, but she heard nothing more that night.  She was disappointed, but she thought he might have fallen asleep.

By Day 7, Tania felt like she was really missing John.  She told herself that she hardly knew him and she was probably reacting to his lack of communication out of her own loneliness.  She checked her phone numerous times during the day, but there were no text messages from John.

Ten days after she had last seen John, Tania received another late night text from John, "Hey.  What's up?  I miss you.  I know it's late, but do you want to come over?"

Tania was very tempted to accept John's invitation, but she didn't feel good about just going his apartment, especially since she hadn't heard from him in several days, so she suggested that they make plans to see each other on another day.

John responded by text, "I'll get in touch with you soon."  Then, there were no more texts from John for another week, and Tania was beginning to wonder if she had said or done something to cause John to distance himself from her.  She wondered: Had she been prudish for not accepting his invitation to come over to his place?  But she decided that she had felt uncomfortable going over there, and she shouldn't do anything that made her uncomfortable.

Two weeks after she had seen John, she received another late night text from John, "Sorry I haven't gotten in touch with you.  I've been very busy at work.  I hope you're not angry with me."  Then, he ended the text message with a little emoji hug and a flower.

Tania responded back that she was glad to hear from him and she wasn't angry.  She suggested, once again, that they make plans to get together.  But she didn't hear anything back from John.

A week later, Tania was feeling disappointed that John had not contacted her again, and she also felt sad and lonely.  She thought about her ex, Ed, and wondered briefly if she had made a mistake by breaking up with him.  She wondered if Ed would be interested in going with her to couples therapy, but then she pushed that thought out of her head and she went to bed.  She was restless all night and tossed and turned.

By the next day, Tania realized that she needed to distance herself from John.  She saw the pattern of her getting excited whenever she heard from him and then feeling sad and dejected when he didn't text her for a while.  She really didn't feel up to dealing with this back and forth on his part, so she decided that she should forget about him.

But by the next day, Tania received a text from John, "Hey.  I'm thinking about you."  Initially, she felt excited, but then she reminded herself that nothing ever seemed to come of these texts and she decided to ignore it.  A few minutes later, she received another text, "What are you doing?  Are you there?"

After a few minutes, Tania responded that she was tired and she was about to go to sleep.  John texted her that he would like to see her and he would text her in the morning.  Once again, Tania felt an initial burst of excitement, but then she reminded herself that John didn't follow through in the past, and she should forget about him.

When she woke up the next morning, she saw that John was calling her and she picked up the phone to hear him say, "Tania, I'm so glad I reached you.  I hope I'm not calling you too early.  I apologize for not getting in touch with you sooner.  I would really like to see you.  Are you free tonight?"

Tania hesitated, but she felt excited about hearing from John and she wanted to see him, so she accepted his invitation to go for dinner at a local restaurant near her apartment.

For the next several hours, Tania happily daydreamed about John, what she would wear, and what she would talk to him about when they got together.

By 2 PM, he texted her letting her know that he was really looking forward to seeing her, and she felt giddy with excitement.  She told him that she was also looking forward to seeing him too.

But by 5 PM, John sent her a text that he had to work late, and he would need to take a rain check on dinner.  He was apologetic, but Tania felt very disappointed.  She went home, made herself a bowl of cereal, and decided to go to bed early.

By 11:30 PM, Tania received a text from John, "I just got home.  I know we said we would go out to dinner and I'm so sorry I couldn't make it.  I'd really like to see you.  Would you want to come over?"

Against her better judgment, Tania agreed to go over to his place.  All the way there, she felt conflicted about her decision, but she felt lonely and she really wanted to see John.

A half hour later, Tania was in bed with John having the best sex she had ever had in her life.  She couldn't remember when she had felt so happy.  They stayed up for a few minutes to talk and then Tania put her head on John's chest to sleep.  But she felt him tense up and she asked him if there was anything wrong.

"Tania, I hope you don't mind, "he said softly, "But I have a hard time sleeping with someone else in my bed, and I have to get up early tomorrow...I'm really sorry."

"Do you want me to leave?" she asked feeling the tears welling up in her eyes and throat.

John hesitated, "I don't really want you to leave.  I want you to stay close to me, but I know I won't sleep at all tonight if you're next to me.  You don't have to go home--you can sleep on the couch."

Tania held her breath so she wouldn't cry in front of John.  She felt sad and humiliated.  She didn't want to sleep on his couch, so she told him that she would catch a cab home.  He offered half heartedly to go downstairs to help her get a cab, but she told him that she could manage on her own.  Then, he kissed her on the forehead and rolled over to go to sleep.

She cried all the way home in the cab, and she couldn't sleep that night.  She felt sad, angry, humiliated and used.  She vowed to herself that she wasn't going to ever see John again.  Then, she tossed and turned the whole night.

Even though she vowed not to see John again, part of her hoped that he would call or text her the next day, and sure enough, she heard from him, "I really like you, Tania.  I'm sorry you had to leave last night.  I hope we can get together again soon" and he ended the next with a bunch of hearts and flowers.

In spite of herself, Tania felt elated, but she also felt wary.  By Noon, she got another text from John, "What are you doing tonight?  Do you want to come over?

Tania paced back and forth in her office before she responded to John.  Then, she decided to call her friend, Alicia, to get her advice because she felt like she was in the grip of something that was beyond her.  She knew that Alicia didn't know John well, but she knew him as an acquaintance from their circle of friends, and she hoped that Alicia could shed some light on what was going on with John.

After she told Alicia everything that was going on, Alicia was silent for a few seconds before she said, "Tania, I'm sorry to hear you've been involved with John.  I had no idea--or I would have told you that he's a player and he's breadcrumbing you just like he has done to so many other women.  You're much better off without him, especially since you're so vulnerable after the breakup with Ed."

Despite Alicia's advice and her own conflictual feelings, Tania continued to be involved with John for a few more months.  His pattern of contacting her, ignoring her and then contacting her again continued as did her indecision about whether or not to continue to see him.  Throughout it all, she felt like she was on an emotional roller coaster.

They got together at his apartment a few more times, and each time Tania knew that she would be going home alone.  John was apologetic, but less so each time.  When she asked him how he felt about her, he told her that he really liked her, but "I'm not into labels.  Can't we just have fun together and enjoy each other's company without defining it?"

When Tania spoke with Alicia again, she was feeling depressed, and Alicia suggested that Tania stop seeing John (on those rare occasions when he wanted to see her) and block John from her phone.

Alicia also suggested that Tania seek help in therapy.  She told her that she thought John took advantage of her because he knew that she had just gotten out of a relationship and she was emotionally vulnerable and easy to manipulate.

Reluctantly, Tania blocked John from her phone.  Then, she left a message for a psychotherapist that Alicia had seen a few years before and recommended to Tania.

Conclusion
The vignette above is a typical example of how someone like John senses the emotional vulnerability in a woman like Tania, how he targets her and manipulates her through breadcrumbing.

Even though the vignette focuses on how a man uses breadcrumbing to manipulate a woman, women also engage in breadcrumbing and this occurs in all types of relationships, including heterosexual and gay relationships.

In my next article, I'll continue with the same vignette to show how psychotherapy can be helpful to someone like Tania who has fallen prey to a player like John.

Getting Help in Therapy
If the vignette above resonates with you, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional.

This type of manipulation can really make you  question your judgment and it takes its toll on your sense of self worth.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to heal and overcome the effects of breadcrumbing so you can make better choices in your relationships.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

In my couples work, I use Emotionally Focused Therapy to help couples to overcome the problems in their relationship.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Is Your Partner "Breadcrumbing" You? - Part 1

In the world of dating, there have always been people who like to play mind games with their dates and potential partners.  This isn't anything new. But there's a particular form of game playing that's usually especially manipulative and sadistic, and it's called "breadcrumbing."

Is Your Partner "Breadcrumbing" You?

What is Breadcrumbing?

Many people who have been hurt in relationships complain about being "ghosted" when the person they're involved with loses interest in them.

Ghosting occurs when someone ends a relationship abruptly with no explanation or communication.  The person who has been abandoned is left to wonder what happened and to pick up the emotional pieces after the ex has left.

Some people, who engage in ghosting in their relationships, even ghost their psychotherapist by disappearing from therapy without an explanation and being unresponsive to their therapist's efforts to find out what happened (see my article: Why Ghosting Your Psychotherapist is Harmful to You).

Breadcrumbing is worse than ghosting.  Breadcrumbing is usually the intentional act of leading a person on just to experience an ego boost and to control and dominate the other person and their situation.  There's no intention to explore a relationship.  

Breadcrumbing involves leading someone on with flattery, flirtatious behavior or sexual innuendos to keep the other person interested and to get attention.  

How Do You Know If Someone is Breadcrumbing You?

People who engage in breadcrumbing (this includes both men and women) are usually adept at intermittently drawing someone in, getting that person interested, getting attention from them, and then pulling back.

If someone pulls away, the person who engages in breadcrumbing initiates the cycle again, and it usually looks like this:

• They Send You Intermittent, Meaningless, Vague Messages:  Are you receiving casual messages that mostly lack substance and that occur inconsistently, like "What's up?" or "What's going on?" Occasionally, there might be messages that have some substance, but most of the messages are vague. These messages often come late at night. The purpose of these messages is to hook you in, especially if you're not showing interest or you have pulled away, and get you interested again to boost their ego.  In other words, this person is giving you "breadcrumbs"(or very little) to try to spark your interest--usually sexual interest.  They're also very good at knowing when your interest is beginning to wane, which is when they give you more breadcrumbs to try to get you interested again.
• They Just Want to Hook Up Without Any Commitment:  There's no intention to have a real relationship with you.  When you get together with him or her, s/he moves quickly to sexualize the encounter.  If this is what you want, there's no problem, but if you're looking for something more, you're going to be disappointed because it's not going to happen. 
• They're Noncommittal and Don't Like "Labels": When someone is breadcrumbing you for a superficial relationship or just to hook up, it's nearly impossible to pin them down.  There might be a lot of "checking in" via message or text, but it's hard to get a commitment from them as to when the two of you will get together--unless it's a spontaneous hook up.  Often, they'll tell you, conveniently, that they're "not into labels," which gives them a lot of wiggle room to make their encounters with you whatever they want at the time.
• You Might Doubt Yourself: After a few cycles of this moving towards you and then pulling back, you might begin to doubt yourself and what's going on between the two of you: Are they really interested in you or not?  Sometimes it seems that they are and other times it seems they're not.  Unless you know that you're dealing with a "player," you can really begin to lose confidence in yourself and your ability to figure out what's going on.
• You Don't Feel Good About Yourself:  After a while, all this push-pull behavior on their part can have a negative impact on your self esteem, especially if you like them.  If you're unaware of what's happening, you might think there's something wrong with you or that you did something wrong.  But, in fact, there's nothing wrong with you--this is all part of their game.
• They Get Defensive When You Call Them on Their Behavior:  Needless to say, people who engage in this behavior don't want to be called out on it.  If you confront them, they get defensive and, possibly, passive aggressive towards you.  They might try to blame you by telling you that you're imagining things or that you're making a "big thing out of nothing."

What to Do About Breadcrumbing

Breadcrumbing is usually intentional behavior, as previously mentioned.  But there are times when people who engage in this behavior do it unconsciously.  They might genuinely be interested in you, but their fear of being emotionally vulnerable or making a commitment keeps them from taking the relationship to the next level. When this happens they might unconsciously try to reengage you because they don't want to let you go.  But after a while, you begin to feel all the same negative feelings that people do when they're dealing with a player who is doing it intentionally.  At that point, you would have to decide if you want to continue to get hurt or if you want and deserve something better.

Even though they don't like to be called out on their behavior, if you recognize that you're being manipulated, it's important for your own sense of self worth to either call them out or stop engaging with them altogether.

If you recognize that they are playing games with you and you try to get them interested, you're playing right into their hands.  This is what they want because, more than anything, even though they're not really interested in you, they want your attention.  So, if you disengage from them, remain consistent in your withdrawal from them, and don't allow them to prey upon you, they will usually move onto the next unsuspecting person.

In my next article, I'll provide a clinical vignette to illustrate the dynamics of breadcrumbing:
Part 2: A clinical vignette about breadcrumbing
Part 3: Getting help in therapy if you think he's stringing you along

Getting Help in Therapy

People who engage in breadcrumbing are usually very skilled at choosing people who are emotionally vulnerable.  After all, if you're vulnerable, you're more likely to fall for their manipulation.

If you really get caught up in these games and if you're already emotionally vulnerable, you could get very hurt.  

A skilled psychotherapist, who has seen this behavior many times before, can help you to disentangle yourself from a player and help you to regain your sense of self worth.

Rather than remaining caught in a web of manipulation and game playing, you could develop a stronger sense of self and focus on being with someone who really cares about you.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I also use Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples to help resolve relationship issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Fear of Being Emotionally Vulnerable in a Relationship

In a prior article, Dating: Is It Time to Have "The Talk"? , I discussed how people who are dating are often afraid, due to their fear of being emotionally vulnerable, of having "the talk" to clarify the nature of their relationship.  In this article, I'll expand on the theme of  fear of emotional vulnerability.

As a psychotherapist in New York City, I've seen many clients, especially clients in their 20s and 30s, who feel that the idea of "romance" and being in a committed relationship is old fashioned.

Fear of Being Emotionally Vulnerable

Many of these clients have told me that they prefer to "hook up" and "hang out" rather than getting serious with anyone.

This perspective might work for some people.  But for many others, this perspective is rooted in a fear of getting hurt.

Many of these same clients, who avoid romantic commitments to keep from getting hurt, discover, after a while, that their experiences feel shallow and meaningless (see my article: Wanting and Dreading Love).

Fear of Being Emotionally Vulnerable

They often discover that the emotional numbing that's required to ensure that you don't get hurt isn't a process where you can be selective about what you feel:  Not only do you numb yourself to potential hurt, you also numb yourself to potential joy.

Let's take a look at the vignette below which, as always, is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

Lee
Lee was in her early 30s when she started therapy with me.  She came to therapy because she felt vaguely dissatisfied with her life, but she didn't know why she was feeling this way or what to do about it.

Fear of Being Emotionally Vulnerable

She was oldest of three children, and her parents divorced when she was 10.  She and her siblings spent the school year with their mother in New York City and their summers with their father in Los Angeles.

Each parent criticized the other parent to the children, not realizing what an emotional burden this was to place on young children.

Based on seeing her parents' marriage unravel in such a destructive way, Lee vowed she would never get married.  Instead, she decided she would focus on her career, travel, and other things she wanted in her life.

When she was a senior in high school, Lee started dating a young man where there was a mutual attraction.  Even though she thought he was kind and intelligent as well as handsome, she made a conscious decision not to allow herself to develop intense feelings for him.  She told him she didn't want any "strings attached."  So, despite his wish for something more committed, they kept it casual and things eventually ended between them when Lee went off to college.

Throughout college and into her early 30s, Lee maintained this same "no strings attached" dynamic with men.  Even after she was settled in a career and doing well financially, she kept things casual with the men that she dated.

She thought of herself as being "an independent woman" who enjoyed casual "hook ups" with men.  And in order to ensure that no emotional intimacy developed, she intentionally distanced herself emotionally.

Whenever she dated someone who showed signs that he wanted to take things to the "next step," which involved a commitment, Lee ended it.

In her early 30s, although she prided herself on not experiencing the heart break that many of her friends had experienced, she also felt deeply lonely.  And, although she was happy in her career and she had good friends, she felt an emptiness in her life which she didn't understand.

Lee was comfortable taking risks in her career and in other areas of her life.  But when it came to romance, she was risk averse.

As we explored the vow she made to herself as a child that she would never get married, Lee began to understand how her experience of her parents' divorce affected her ability to be open and emotionally vulnerable with men that she liked.

After a while, she began to understand that her view of herself as an "independent woman" was really a pseudo independence based on her fear of getting hurt.

She realized that her loneliness was based on her avoidance of having meaningful connections with the men that she dated.

As she was able to be more emotionally honest with herself, she also realized that she really cared for the man she was currently "hooking up" with and she didn't want to end things between them the way she did with other men.

But Lee had a dilemma:  On the one hand, although she wanted to continue seeing this man, she was also very afraid to open up to the possibility that they could have something more between them because she didn't want to get hurt.

Whenever he brought up the topic of, possibly, taking things to the next level, Lee made a lot of excuses as to why this wasn't "the right time" in her life.

But, as she and I explored this in her therapy, she realized that she was emotionally paralyzed with fear and that fear, as opposed to being "independent," was dictating her choices.

And, as we continued to explore this in therapy, she knew that if she continued to allow her fear to get the best of her, she would eventually lose someone that she really cared about.

So, we started by working on the unresolved emotional pain about her parents' divorce, and how abandoned she felt as a child by parents who were focused on their animosity towards each other, as opposed to focusing on their children.  This wasn't easy work for Lee, who tried to avoid feeling uncomfortable emotions.

But, over time, as Lee was able to work through her unresolved sadness and anger about her parents' divorce, she began to feel a glimmer of hope that she could allow herself to open up more with the man she was dating.

After several months, Lee's worst fears came true:  The man she was seeing ended their relationship.  From his perspective, even though Lee was starting to open up a little, it was "too little, too late" for him, and he wanted to be in a relationship with a woman who didn't have Lee's problems.

The breakup was so painful for Lee that, at first, she vowed to never allow another man to get this close to her again.  It was a real setback for Lee (see my article:  Setbacks Are a Normal Part of Therapy on the Road to Healing).

But, over time, as we worked together to help her through the emotional pain, Lee realized that, although it was hard, the pain she felt was preferable to being numb emotionally.

After several months,  Lee began to feel she was ready to open up again with another man that she met.  Not wanting to make the same mistakes, she was able to dig deep inside of herself to find the courage to open up and allow herself to be more vulnerable with this man.

She was afraid, but having overcome the emotional pain of the prior relationship, she knew she wasn't going to crumble if this new relationship didn't work out.  She knew she had the inner strength to survive.

And, as it turned out, over time, Lee and her new boyfriend developed a passionate, loving relationship based on their willingness to open up to each other and experience love.

Fear of Opening Up and Allowing Yourself to be Emotionally Vulnerable
As human beings, we're hard wired for attachment to others.  But, sometimes, early childhood experiences cause people to become too afraid of intense romantic attachments.

Some people spend their whole lives protecting themselves from getting hurt--only to look back later with loneliness and regret.

I've also met people who are perfectly fine without being in a relationship.  Being alone for them isn't about defending against emotional vulnerability.  It's a choice they've made that they're happy with it.  They have people and experiences that make life meaningful, and they're not lonely.

But for many people, who have allowed their fears to numb them, life has little pain but also little joy.  Everything feels "flat" and unsatisfying to them.  They're also very lonely.

Getting Help in Therapy
If the vignette in this article resonates with you and you want to overcome your fear of being emotionally vulnerable, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health practitioner who has expertise in this area.

Numbing yourself emotionally might help to protect you from getting hurt, but it also keeps you from feeling joy and happiness.  This is a heavy price to pay to remain "safe."

By working through your fears, you can open yourself up to the possibility of leading a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.