4 Ways Unresolved Trauma Can Have a Negative Impact on You and Your Relationship

There are many ways unresolved trauma can create problems for you and your relationship, especially unresolved childhood trauma (see my article: How Unresolved Trauma Can Affect Your Ability to Be in a Relationship).

Unresolved Trauma Can Affect You and Your Relationship

4 Ways Unresolved Trauma Can Have a Negative Impact on You and Your Relationship

In this article, I'm focusing specifically on the following four problems:

• Developing Rigid Negative Beliefs About Yourself and Relationships

• Choosing an Unhealthy Partner

• Getting Triggered During Conflicts with Your Partner

• Staying in an Unhealthy Relationship Too Long

1. Developing Rigid Negative Beliefs About Yourself and Relationships

Your early childhood experiences have an important impact on your beliefs about yourself and about relationships in general.

If you grew up in a dysfunctional family where life was chaotic and you felt unlovable and emotionally invalidated, you might have formed rigid and negative beliefs about yourself and relationships, including:

• "I don't deserve a loving partner."
• "No one will find me lovable."
• "All men are cheaters."
• "Women can't be trusted."
• "Men only want sex."

And so on.

You might also have a strong fear of rejection and abandonment based on your early experiences. In addition, you might even anticipate rejection and abandonment where these problems doesn't exist.

These rigid negative beliefs make it difficult to trust anyone so even though you might want to have a partner, you might also dread getting into a relationship (see my article: An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting and Dreading Love).

2. Choosing an Unhealthy Partner

If you don't know what a healthy relationship looks like because you grew up in a dysfunctional family, you might not know how to choose someone who is right for you.

Consciously, you might tell yourself you want a relationship that's different from what you experienced growing up, but unconsciously you might gravitate towards partners who feel familiar to you. If what's familiar is dysfunction, that might be what you're drawn to when you're meeting a potential partner.

On an unconscious level, you might also be drawn to people who aren't interested in you because these types of situations activate a familiar longing in you from your childhood (see my article: Letting Go of an Unhealthy Relationship: Unrequited Love).

3. Getting Triggered During Conflicts in Your Relationship

If you have unresolved trauma, you can get easily triggered during an argument with your partner.  

Unresolved Trauma Can Get Triggered During Arguments

In the moment, you might not realize that you're stuck in a trauma response because you don't realize your unresolved trauma is getting triggered or, even if you're aware of it, you could find it hard to distinguish between your current emotions from past experiences (see my article: Overcoming Trauma: Learning to Separate Past Traumatic Experiences From Now).

Even if you're in a healthy relationship, your old emotional wounds can get triggered from unresolved trauma. This can create a trauma response including:

• Fight: 
• Getting into a confrontation with your partner
• Blaming your partner for your problems, 
• Expressing criticism, contempt, defensiveness or stonewalling (see my article: How to Improve Communication in Your Relationship By Eliminating the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse).

• Flight: 
• Avoiding problems
• Acting impulsively to ward off unpleasant emotions
• Running away from intimate or emotional situations (see my article: How is Emotional Avoidance Related to Unresolved Trauma?).

• Freeze: 
• Feeling helpless or hopeless
• Feeling unable to act
• Disconnecting emotionally from your partner (see my article: Overcoming the Freeze Response Related to Unresolved Trauma).

• Fawn: 
• Engaging in people-pleasing behavior with your partner to ward off your unpleasant feelings to the detriment of your emotional needs (see my article: Trauma and the Fawn Response).

4. Staying in an Unhealthy Relationship Too Long

People who have unresolved trauma often develop an unhealthy tolerance for emotional abuse because it's familiar to them from their childhood and they don't realize they're in an unhealthy relationship (see my article: Should You Stay or Should You Leave Your Relationship?).

Even if you realize you're in an unhealthy relationship, you might feel this is all that you deserve and it's the best you can do because you feel so unworthy.  This is related to negative beliefs about yourself mentioned above.

You might also leave an unhealthy relationship, but you enter into a succession of unhealthy relationships after that because you haven't done the necessary psychological work to overcome your history of trauma that creates relationship problems for you.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Trauma therapy is different from regular talk therapy.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Regular talk therapy where you talk about your trauma, but you don't actually process the trauma with specific trauma therapy interventions, isn't as effective as Experiential Therapies like EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), Somatic Experiencing or AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy).

See my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma.

Instead of struggling on your own, you could benefit from working with a trauma therapist to overcome trauma that keeps you stuck. 

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to overcome trauma so you can lead a more fulfilling life (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

12 Telltale Signs You're in a Relationship With a Womanizer

Womanizers are known by many different names, including players, ladies men, Casanovas,  Romeos, fuckboys and other similar names.  Regardless of the label, they often have certain traits in common (see my article: Understanding the Emotional Dynamics of Men Who Are Players - Part 1 and Part 2).

Telltale Signs You're in a Relationship With a Womanizer

Telltale Signs You're in a Relationship With a Womanizer

Men who are womanizers often have at least some of the following characteristics:

• He Has a Reputation: Former girlfriends and women who dated him can tell you that he has a reputation for lying and keeping secrets, chasing women and discarding them when he gets bored or they call him out on his behavior. Womanizers often leave a trail of broken promises and broken hearts.

• He Has a History of Cheating in Prior Relationships: As part of his bad reputation, a womanizer has a history of cheating when he's supposed to be in a monogamous relationship. He also has a history of lying to prior girlfriends about who he is with and where he is at any given time because he's cheating (see my article: The Thrill of the Chase).

Womanizers Often Have a History of Cheating in Prior Relationships

• He Comes On Quickly: A womanizer's goal is to have sex with you as quickly as he can before you realize what he's about. He doesn't want you to know too much about him because that could get in the way of seducing you, so speed is important to him.

• He Acts Confident to Try to Impress You:  Womanizers know that confidence, especially sexual confidence, can be a powerful aphrodisiac to many women so they act confident as part of their seduction.

• He Brags About Himself: Related to acting confident, womanizers often brag about themselves, especially about how many women they've slept with.  This is a calculated risk because it's a turn-on for some women, but it's a definite turn-off to many others.  Aside from bragging about his sexual prowess, a womanizer wants you to know that many other women find him sexually desirable, which he hopes will make you feel like you're special because, out of all the women who want him, he's paying attention to you.

• He Says He Doesn't Believe in Relationship Labels: A womanizer often dislikes labels when it comes to defining the nature of your relationship with him. He might make up excuses about it not being necessary to define who you are to each other. This allows him to manipulate you and define things in a way that is convenient for him.

• You Don't Know How Many Other Women He's Seeing: He might be vague as to how many other women he's seeing or he might lie outright and tell you that you're the only one. But chances are, if he's a womanizer, he has at least several women he's stringing along.

Womanizers Often Have Many Women They String Along

• He Lies A Lot: If you don't actually catch him in lies, you'll start getting suspicious about inconsistencies in what he's telling you, especially when he slips up. Lies also include lies of omission.

• He is Constantly Checking Out Other Women: It's not unusual for someone who is in a relationship to feel attractions for other people, but womanizers take it to a whole other level.  He might say he's "just friendly," but he's more than just friendly. If he's constantly checking out other women, he's looking for opportunities for other sexual encounters while you're not paying attention.

Womanizers Constantly Check Out Other Women

• He Doesn't Want to Be Seen With You in Public: He prefers to do "Netflix and Chill" rather than going out with you in public. Even if you're supposed to be in a monogamous relationship with him, he might be hesitant about disclosing his relationship status with you on social media because this could get in the way of his meeting other women online.  If he does go out with you in public, he dislikes public displays of affection because he's probably looking for other opportunities to meet women when you're not looking.

• He Doesn't Introduce You to Family and Friends: If you've been seeing someone for several months and he hasn't introduced you to family and friends, this is often a warning sign that you're with a womanizer.  A womanizer often makes a lot of excuses about why he doesn't introduce you to the important people in his life.  This is often a red flag that even though you and he are supposed to be monogamous, he's seeing other people. 

• He Displays Signs of Toxic Masculinity: Signs of toxic masculinity include:
• Sexual promiscuity
• Sexism
• A sense of entitlement
• Chauvinism including hostility towards feminism and the Me Too movement
• Sexual aggression
• An exaggerated sense of "manliness" 
• Problems with feeling or expressing vulnerable emotions, like sadness or love
• Violence
• Low empathy, which can border on sociopathy (being a sociopath) in some cases
• A "Bros Before Hos" attitude
• Homophobia

What to Do If You Realize You're in a Relationship With a Womanizer

Finding out you're with a womanizer can be very hurtful, but rather than avoiding the issue:

• Confront Him: Talk to him about the behavior you've observed in him and that you don't like. If you want to be in a monogamous relationship, tell him this and ask him if he's able to make a commitment. If he tells you he's never been monogamous before and he doesn't want to be, believe him. Don't try to convince yourself that you can change him because this often leads to disappointment and heartbreak.  If he says he wants to change and be monogamous, you need to consider whether you can believe and trust him.  If he dismisses your concerns without addressing them, he's probably not ready to change. Womanizers can change, but they often don't, so know what you're up against.

Confront Him and Have a Serious Talk

• Get Help in Therapy: Getting help from a trained mental health professional can provide an opportunity to work things through individually or in couples therapy.  If your partner is sexually compulsive, he could benefit from individual work with a sex therapist.  The two of you can also work with a sex therapist to try to change the dynamics in your relationship. If he refuses to go to therapy, seek help yourself to understand what keeps you in an unhealthy relationship.

• Know When to End the Relationship: Even though it can be very hard to leave someone you love, you need to love yourself first. If you're putting a partner, who is a womanizer, above your own emotional well-being, you could be struggling with low self esteem.  The longer you remain in a relationship with someone who is cheating on you, the more emotionally damaging it will be for you in the long run (see my article: How to Know If You're in an Unhealthy Relationship).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Self Confidence: Feeling Confident Enough to Choose a Healthy Relationship

In my prior article, What Are Green Flags in Healthy Relationships?, I discussed the positive qualities to look for in a person when you want to be in a healthy relationship. Aside from the qualities you might want in the other person, you also need to have a strong sense of your own self worth (see my articles: What is Low Self Esteem?  and Overcoming Self Doubt That Keeps You Stuck).

Making Healthy Relationship Choices

Needless to say, no one chooses to have low self esteem, but early unresolved trauma can leave you feeling unworthy and vulnerable as an adult to making poor relationship choices (see my articles:  How Trauma Affects Relationships and Emotionally Unhealthy Relationships: Bad Luck or Poor Choices?)

Along with a low sense of self worth, unresolved trauma can also affect your attachment style in relationships (see my articles: What is Your Attachment Style?).

What Do Self Confident People Do to Be in a Healthy Relationships?

The following is a list of some of things that confident people do in order to have a healthy relationship:

• Set Healthy Boundaries: Confident people set healthy boundaries with the people in their life, including people they're dating or seeing in a relationship. They understand their own healthy emotional needs, they know what they need in a relationship and they're able to assert their needs in a positive way. They won't compromise away their needs or put up with ongoing bad behavior.  They don't lose themselves in a relationship and they don't abandon parts of themselves to be with someone who isn't treating them well (see my articles: Relationships: Setting Healthy Boundaries, What is Self Abandonment? and Losing Yourself in a Relationship).

• Accept Responsibility For Their Own Emotional Needs: Since they know their needs, they're able to assess if these needs are being met in their relationship.  If, ultimately, the relationship is at a dead end, rather than spending time pressuring, blaming and shaming their partner, they take responsibility for getting their needs met. 

• Accept Responsibility For Their Behavior and Making Necessary Changes: Although they won't compromise what they know is essential to their emotional needs, confident people are emotionally secure enough to take an honest look at their own behavior, make repairs in their relationship, and make positive changes in themselves. They're not threatened when their partner expresses their healthy emotional needs. They're open to listening in an attuned way.

• Remain Confident in Themselves Without Constant Reassurance: Although everyone enjoys hearing words of appreciation, confident people don't need constant reassurance that they're attractive, smart, talented, and so on, because they're secure enough in themselves. They know their self worth and they're not dependent upon other people to keep reassuring them.  

• Feel Comfortable Being Alone: People who have a positive sense of self worth aren't afraid to be alone. They enjoy their own company and the solitude it brings. This doesn't mean that they might not want to be in a relationship with someone special.  Instead, it means they're willing to wait for an emotionally healthy person to come along who can meet their needs rather than being desperate and settling for someone who isn't right for them (see my article: Solitude vs Loneliness).

• Choose Relationships Wisely: Rather than just allowing charm, good looks, status or other superficial qualities to be their guide when they're choosing a mate, confident people use both their heart and their head. They're not in denial or engaged in wishful thinking that clouds their judgement (see my article:  Wishful Thinking Leads to Poor Relationship Choices and 7 Tips So You Don't Rush Into Relationship).

• Get Out of Unhealthy Relationships: No one is infallible when it comes to choosing a relationship, but someone who is confident usually doesn't remain in an unhealthy relationship. Rather than wasting a lot of time trying to change their partner, once it becomes clear that their partner is unwilling or unable to give them what they need, they get out of the relationship. This is sometimes easier said than done, but the point is not to waste time (see my article: How Do You Know If You're in an Unhealthy Relationship? and Should You Stay or Should You Leave Your Relationship?).

Developing a Confident Self

When children grow up in a family where they're loved and affirmed with good enough parenting, they grow up to have a healthy sense of self and a secure attachment style (see my article: What Are the Characteristics of a Healthy Family?).

Attachment research indicates that about 50-60% of people develop a secure attachment style. That leaves 40-50% of people who have an insecure attachment style.

Just because you didn't develop a secure attachment style when you were growing up doesn't mean you're doomed to remain a person who is insecurely attached in relationships.  People, who are lucky enough to be in a relationship with loving person who has a secure attachment style, have a possibility of developing an earned secure attachment. 

For other people who are not so fortunate or where a relationship with a person who has secure attachment makes no difference, psychotherapy can help to develop an earned secure attachment style (see my article: Developing a Secure Attachment Style: What is Earned Secure Attachment?).

Getting Help in Therapy

Working through unresolved trauma can help you to feel more confident and deserving of a healthy relationship.

Part of working through early trauma is working on attachment issues that could be making you feel either insecure or avoidant in terms of how you feel about yourself and your dynamics in a relationship (see my article: The Holding Environment in Psychotherapy).

A skilled trauma therapist can help you develop the tools and skills you need so you can lead a more meaningful life (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome unresolved trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

What Are "Green Flags" in a Healthy Relationship?

There's plenty of information these days on what to avoid when you're considering getting into a relationship (see my articles: Are You in a Relationship With a Narcissist?,  Unhealthy Relationships: Bad Luck or Poor Choices? and 10 Signs You're Being Love Bombed).

Healthy Relationship Green Flags

But aside from what to avoid, which are called red flags, it's also important to know what to pursue--the green flags--when you're considering getting into a relationship.  

More about relationship green flags below, but first a few words about unresolved trauma.

How Unresolved Trauma Can Affect Your Ability to Be in a Healthy Relationship

Before I discuss relationship green flags, it's important to address how unresolved trauma can affect your ability to be in a healthy relationship.  

For instance, people with a history of unresolved trauma often have difficulty thinking about what they want in a relationship (the green flags) because they're primarily focused on avoiding the red flags.  

Due to problems they've experienced in their family of origin or in previous relationships, their focus is on avoidance (see my article: How Trauma Affects Relationships and What is Trauma Bonding in Relationships?).

This avoidance perspective is understandable because people with unresolved trauma often have a pessimistic view of relationships (see my article: Unresolved Trauma Often Creates Negative Expectations For the Future).

Without help in therapy, it can be challenging for them to shift their thinking to include green flags. But when their traumatic experiences have been worked through in therapy, they often feel safe enough to consider green flag qualities that are important to them (see my article: Overcoming Childhood Trauma in Experiential Therapy).

What Are Healthy Relationship Green Flags?

Each individual will have their own set of priorities. The following list includes essential qualities to look for when you're considering getting into a committed relationship:

• They Are Dependable: Someone who cares about you will be responsible for keeping promises, being there when they say they will be, and following through with their commitments. Aside from this, dependability is also about being emotionally dependable--they're there for you in emotionally consistent, stable and caring ways (see my article: Are You Keeping or Breaking Promises?)

• They Value and Prioritize You: Along with being dependable, they value you as a person and you feel important in their lives. Being physically present isn't enough if your partner is constantly preoccupied and distracted with their phone or ignoring you in other ways.  This doesn't mean that each person in a relationship shouldn't have separate interests or hobbies. It's a matter of priorities, so if they're putting you last much, your emotional needs aren't being met.  It's also a matter of the two of you being able to negotiate and compromise on spending time together and time apart (see my article: Learning to Compromise on Spending Time Together vs Time Apart).

• They Show Kindness and Empathy: A person who is a good partner will show basic kindness and empathy for you and others. Aside from treating you well, you also want to see they show respect and understanding for others, including your friends and family. In addition, notice how they interact with people they don't know well, like the building janitor or the server in a restaurant.  Someone who is unkind to the janitor or restaurant server is showing you a negative side of them, a definite red flag that will eventually show up in their relationship with you.

• They Admit When They're Wrong, They Make Emotional Repairs and Make an Effort to Change: Every couple argues, but in healthy relationships both people can admit when they're wrong and give a sincere apology (a sincere apology is not, "I'm sorry you feel that way").  There's a give-and-take quality in a relationship with someone who can admit when they're wrong. Aside from apologizing, they also reach towards their partner and make gestures to emotionally repair the situation.  Beyond words, these gestures can be as simple as a loving gaze, reaching for a partner's hand or a gesturing for a hug (see my article: Making Loving Reparative Gestures is a Part of Healthy Relationships).

• They Have a Desire to Keep Learning and Growing: Along with the other positive qualities mentioned above, a desire to keep learning and growing is an essential green flag quality. It's more than just admitting to being wrong--it's also a willingness to change and grow as a person. This includes an ability to reassess their beliefs and behaviors that aren't serving them or their relationship with you. Although change can be challenging, a willingness to learn and grow often helps to overcome obstacles to change (see my article: Growing as an Individual When You're in a Relationship).

Know Your Self Worth

Your self worth is your overall opinion of yourself.  Knowing your own self worth is an important factor in recognizing both red flags and green flags in a potential relationship. 

When you have a low sense of self worth, you're more likely to put up with bad behavior from your partner because deep down you don't feel you deserve better.  

Often feelings of low self worth develop as a result of unresolved early trauma. 

Getting Help in Therapy

Many people, who grew up in an unhealthy family environment, need help to learn how to choose and maintain a healthy relationship.

Even if, on a conscious level, they want to choose a healthier relationship, they might still continue to choose unhealthy partners on an unconsciously because of the early experiences they internalized in their family of origin.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that keep you are stuck, so rather than struggling alone, seek help from a licensed mental health professional (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

The End of An Unhappy Relationship: The 5 Stages of Change

Being in a relationship that is a safe haven for each person is what most people want in a relationship.  But even a relationship that starts out as a safe haven can change over time without one or both people being fully aware of it.  

For instance, in the midst of a busy, stressful life with many competing responsibilities, people might be unaware that they're growing apart, especially if the changes occur slowly over time.  

Also, many people--even people who have some degree of awareness of the problems--are often in denial about it (see my articles: Telltale Signs That You and Your Spouse Are Growing Apart and How Do You Know If You're in An Unhealthy Relationship?)

The End of An Unhappy Relationship: The 5 Stages of Change 

So, let's start by taking a look at the five stages of a relationship that's in the process of ending based on research in 2016 by psychologists from the University of Tennessee.  

The End of An Unhappy Relationship: The 5 Stages of Change

Although the stages in this model are presented in a linear way, the process isn't always linear.  

Many couples remain in a state of denial about the problems or they go through stages in a different order. 

 

In addition, there are also relationships that are on again and off again repeatedly and indefinitely (see my articles: The Heartbreak of the On Again-Off Again Relationship and Considering Starting Over in Relationship? Think Twice: What's Changed?) or people who remain together throughout their lives even though they're very unhappy (more about this later in the article).

• Stage 1: The Precontemplative Stage - Denial: Everything seems fine to one or both people in the relationship. They usually don't see a need for change and they're in denial about the problems.

• Stage 2: The Contemplation Stage - Beginning to Consider There Are Problems: One or both people in the relationship are beginning to consider that they might have problems. They might be thinking about it, but they're not ready to fully admit it or take action.

• Stage 3: The Preparation Stage: Making Plans to End the Relationship: This is the stage that often occurs if the couple doesn't get help in couples therapy or if they get help and it's too late to salvage of the relationship. The couple might be talking about the possibility of ending the relationship.  They might also be making initial plans to end the relationship in this stage, but the plans aren't final yet.

• Stage 4: The Taking Action Stage: This is the stage where one or both people take steps to end the relationship.  It might start by spending less time thinking about each other, spending less time together or avoiding one another.  It could end with a discussion about the relationship being irreconcilable.  One or both people might move out if they're living together. They might be consulting with divorce attorneys if they're married or taking other psychological and practical steps to end the relationship.

• Stage 5: The Maintenance Stage: One or both people take steps to solidify the end of the relationship.  This could involve getting rid of gifts, clothes and other mementos related to the relationship. Also, one or both people feel even more sure that they never want to go back to the relationship.

These stages are similar to the Stages of Change developed by the alcoholism researchers, Carlo C. DiClemente and J.O. Prochaska.  Their model includes 6 Stages.  However, the basic premise is similar--that change is usually a process.

Just to reiterate: For the sake of simplicity, these stages are presented in a linear way based on research, but couples often have their own dynamics in a problematic relationship.  

There are some volatile relationships, especially where there are borderline personality traits involved, where the dynamic might go from the Precontemplation Stage (denial) to the Taking Action Stage (ending the relationship), getting back together and going back into denial about the problems (back to the Precontemplation Stage).

There are couples that remain together, even though they're unhappy, for various practical or psychological reasons, among them: financial, fear of being alone, fear of trying to meet someone new ("the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know"), keeping the relationship together for the children, and so on (see my article: Are Your Fears of Being Alone and Lonely Keeping You in An Unhappy Relationship?).

If a couple does nothing about their problems, even if they remain together, chances are good that the quality of the relationship will continue to deteriorate. 

At that point, there could be problems with infidelity, especially if they have a need to feel desirable and they feel undesirable or bored in their relationship (see my articles: The Connection Between Infidelity and the Need to Feel Desirable and Married, Bored and Cheating Online).

Getting Help in Therapy Early

It's easier to resolve problems in a relationship early on when a couple is considering whether there there might be problems (Stage 2: The Contemplation Stage) as compared to the later stages.

Unfortunately, many couples wait too long to get help.  At that point, they decide to make a last ditch effort to save the relationship.  Although it's possible to salvage a relationship at any point if both people are committed to it, like anything else, once problems are entrenched, it's more difficult.  

If you and your partner are having problems in your relationship, you could benefit from seeing a couples therapist (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?).  

An experienced couples therapist can help you to either work through your problems or to end the relationship amicably while being your best selves.  So, rather than wait, seek help sooner rather than later.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Emotionally Focused Therapy, and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Do You Know If You're in an Unhealthy Relationship?

How do you know if you're in an unhealthy relationship?  Being objective about whether or not your relationship is healthy for you can be complicated when you're in love and sexually attracted to someone. 

You might overlook certain red flags in your relationship.  This is especially true if you were raised in a family where there was a high level of dysfunction and conflict. 

    See my articles: 

Relationships: Are You Attracted to People Who Hurt You?

Are You in a Toxic Relationship?

Choosing Healthier Relationships

How Do You Know If You're in an Unhealthy Relationship?

To avoid getting into an unhealthy relationship, it's important to date someone long enough to get to know him or her before you both decide that you're in a committed relationship (see my article: Dating vs. Being in a Relationship: Taking the Time to Get to Know Each Other).

Signs That You're in an Unhealthy Relationship
Here are some red flags to be aware of:

• Excessive Jealousy:  If you know that you've been faithful to your partner, but your partner exhibits excessive jealousy or s/he is accusing you of cheating, this is a significant red flag that your partner is insecure and possessive and that you're in an unhealthy relationship.  This type of problem rarely, if ever, gets better on its own (see my article: Overcoming the Jealousy and Insecurity That's Ruining Your Relationship).

• Controlling Behavior: Related to excessive jealousy, your partner might not exhibit controlling behavior at first, but this can develop later on in the relationship.  Controlling behavior includes your partner telling you where you can go, who to socialize with, when to come home, what to wear, and so on.  This type of behavior tends to get worse over time, so if your partner is trying to control you, you know you're in an unhealthy relationship (see my articles: Relationships: Is It Kindness or Controlling Behavior?).

• Problems With Anger Management: If your partner has problems controlling his or her temper, this is a sign that you're in an unhealthy relationship, especially if your partner refuses to get help.  Problems with anger management include problems with verbal and/or physical aspects of anger management (shouting, making demeaning remarks, breaking things, threatening you, threatening people who are close to you, and so on).

• Emotional Blackmail:  If your partner uses emotional blackmail to control you, this is a sign that you're in a dysfunctional relationship.  For instance, if you and your partner get into an argument and, to get back at you, s/he stops speaking to you, this is emotional blackmail.  This is not the same as when a partner needs a temporary time out to regroup and then comes back to discuss whatever you were disagreeing about.  This is a deliberate form of manipulation to punish you or to get his or her way (see my article: Breaking the Cycle of Emotional Blackmail).

• Gaslighting/Manipulation: When someone uses gaslighting, s/he is attempting to deliberately manipulate you to make you think that you're the problem.  When someone engages in gaslighting, s/he knows that s/he is attempting to manipulate.  It's not just a matter that s/he has a different opinion from the partner.  People who engage in gaslighting are often narcissistic and some of them are sociopathic.  This is a sure sign that you're in an unhealthy relationship (see my article: Are You Being Gaslighted?).

• Addiction: If your partner is abusing substances or engaging in other addictive behavior and s/he refuses to get help, you're in an unhealthy relationship.  Addictive behavior includes excessive drinking, abusing drugs, compulsive gambling, compulsive overspending, sexual compulsivity, compulsive overeating, and so on (see my article: Recovery: Understanding Cross Addiction - Substituting One Addiction For Another).

• Codependent Behavior: Codependent behavior occurs when one or both partners enable the other's unhealthy behavior.  A typical example of this would be if a partner makes excuses for his or her partner's addictive behavior.  This is a sign of an unhealthy relationship and both people need to be willing to work on their issues in therapy to develop healthier ways of relating to each other (see my article: Overcoming Codependency: Taking Care of Yourself First).

• Secrecy and/or Lying: If you're in a relationship with someone who is secretive and doesn't share what's going on with him or her emotionally and socially and/or your partner lies to you, you're in an unhealthy relationship.  This is another problem that doesn't usually change without help (see my articles: Are Toxic Secrets Ruining Your Relationship? and When Trust Breaks Down in a Relationship: Lies of Omission).

• Infidelity: If your partner is cheating on you and s/he refuses to get help in therapy, you're in an unhealthy relationship.  Aside from the emotional pain that infidelity causes, it also creates mistrust and it's often hard to get trust back.  This is not to say that everyone should leave a partner who cheated.  Some couples are able to work through infidelity in individual therapy or in couples therapy.  But if your partner refuses to get help, there is little to no chance that your trust can be restored (see my article: Gaslighting and Infidelity).

• Physical, Emotional and Sexual Abuse: Any form of physical, emotional or sexual abuse is unacceptable and a definite sign that you're in an unhealthy relationship.  Abuse often escalates and gets worse over time.  Your primary concern should be your own safety and well-being.

The items on the above list are some of the most significant signs that you're in an unhealthy relationship, but there might be other signs as well.

Conclusion
I believe that most people know deep down when they're in an unhealthy relationship, but they choose to overlook red flags for any number of reasons.  Denial can also be a strong defense mechanism with regard to not wanting to see the red flags.

Sometimes, people who overlook red flags don't feel good about themselves and they believe that if they let go of the relationship that they're in, they won't find another relationship.  Other people engage in wishful thinking that things will get better on their own, but that rarely happens without help (see my article: Wishful Thinking Often Leads to Poor Relationship Choices).

Getting Help in Therapy
If you think you're in an unhealthy relationship and you're having problems recognizing it or taking steps to preserve your own well-being, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional (see my articles: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Getting help in therapy from an objective clinical professional is an important first step to taking care of yourself and making important decisions for yourself.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Unconsciously Choosing An Unhealthy Relationship to Fix Your Childhood Relationship With a Parent?

I've written about relationships and choosing healthier partners in prior articles (see my articles: Emotionally Unhealthy Relationships: Bad Luck or Poor Choices?, Are Your Fears of Being Alone and Lonely Keeping You in an Unhealthy Relationship? and Learning to Make Better Choices in Relationships).  In this article, I'm focusing on a particular problem with unconsciously choosing an unhealthy relationship as a way to fix your childhood relationship with your parents.

Are You Unconsciously Choosing An Unhealthy Relationship to Fix Your Childhood Relationship With a Parent?

What is Repetition Compulsion?
Most people don't consciously choose to be in emotionally unhealthy relationships.  It's usually an unconscious process based on what's familiar.  And who is more familiar to you than one or both of your parents?

The biggest problem usually occurs when people unconsciously choose a partner who is similar to one or both parents in an effort to fix their childhood relationship with their parents.

With regard to relationships, the unrecognized wish behind this unconscious process is that the repetition of a dysfunctional family pattern in a romantic relationship will provide a chance to repair what couldn't be repaired in childhood with the parents.

This dynamic is known as repetition compulsion in psychotherapy.  When people engage in repetition compulsion, they are repeating traumatic circumstances over and over again in situations where the pattern will most likely be repeated in an unconscious effort to repair the original trauma.  

People who start psychotherapy often don't see these patterns at first.  After their psychotherapist hears about the family dynamic and recognizes the same dynamic in the romantic relationship, the therapist recognizes that the client is engaging in repetition compulsion.

The person who chooses a romantic partner who has the same dynamics as one or both of his parents doesn't always see the similarity between the romantic partner and the parent.  There can be a certain amount of denial about it.  But, usually, over time, client in therapy will recognize it as the therapy evolves.

A Fictional Clinical Vignette: The Problem With Choosing an Unhealthy Relationship to Try to Fix Your Childhood Relationship With Your Parents
The following fictional clinical vignette is about the unconscious process of repetition compulsion in an unhealthy relationship and how it involves a wish to fix a childhood dysfunctional relationship:

Meg
Meg started psychotherapy because she was having problems in her one year relationship with her boyfriend, Ed.

Are You Unconsciously Choosing An Unhealthy Relationship to Fix Your Childhood Relationship With a Parent? 

During the first six months of their relationship, Meg and Ed got along well.  They enjoyed each other's company and spent a lot of time together.

After five months, Ed moved into Meg's apartment and this is when the problems began.  Then, when they were together for six months, Ed quit his job after he got into a disagreement with his supervisor.

Meg was annoyed that he left his job without finding another job first and that he was making no effort to try to find another job.

When she came home from her stressful job, she would see Ed laying down on the couch watching TV instead of job hunting.  Since she was now carrying the financial burden for the two of them, she told him that it annoyed her to see him loafing around and allowing her to take responsibility for their joint expenses.

Whenever this topic came up, they would argue.  Ed told Meg that he would find another job, but he didn't like to be pressured by her.  He said if the roles were reversed, he wouldn't complain about it.  He said he would give her time and space to figure out her next move.  And Meg argued that she wouldn't leave her job without having another job, so it was unlikely that their roles would be reversed.

Six months later, Ed was still making no effort to find a job, and Meg was furious.  She complained about it to her psychotherapist during the first two therapy sessions.  Although she was very angry, she didn't want to throw Ed out of her apartment.  She felt that it would be cruel to tell him to leave, so she allowed him to stay, but they were barely on speaking terms.

When Meg's psychotherapist asked her about her family background, Meg described a dysfunctional family dynamic.  She was the older of two daughters who witnessed their parents arguing a lot.

Meg explained that her father had problems keeping jobs because he tended to quit whenever there was a problem on the job instead of trying to resolve the problem.  This placed all the financial burden on Meg's mother, and it was a source of frequent arguments.

Although her mother complained a lot and her parents argued about the father's unstable work history, her mother frequently told Meg and her sister that she would never break up the family.  And the father spent more time being unemployed than working.  As a result, nothing ever changed, and the mother struggled financially throughout all of Meg's childhood to support the family.

As a child, Meg was closer to her father than she was to her mother.  Whereas she thought her mother was often irritable and short tempered with her, she thought her father was more sensitive, nurturing and patient.

Meg disliked hearing her mother call the father "lazy" and "inconsiderate," and she would defend her father to her mother, which escalated these arguments.  Meg would take her father's side, and her sister would take her mother's side.  This created tension in all their relationships.

When her psychotherapist pointed out the similarities between her parents' dynamics and her relationship with Ed, Meg got annoyed.  She didn't think these situations were similar at all, and she was offended that her therapist would say this.

Meg said that her father was a sensitive, compassionate man, but Ed was insensitive and inconsiderate.  For the next few weeks, Meg continued to defend her father and she maintained that her father was different from her Ed.

Meg's psychotherapist realized that, at that point in therapy, Meg idealized her father and she had a blind spot about his problems, so she realized that Meg wasn't ready to deal with this issue.

A few months later, Meg was sufficiently fed up with Ed that she decided to give him a three month deadline to either find a job and contribute to their joint expenses or move out.  In order to meet their expenses, Meg had to take on freelance work in addition to her full time job just to make ends meet, and she was exhausted.

The three month deadline came and went and Ed still refused to look for a job.  They were now arguing more than ever, and Meg really resented Ed, but she couldn't bring herself to follow through with her ultimatum.  Despite her anger and frustration, she allowed him to stay.

Her psychotherapist explored this with Meg in a nonjudgmental way to help Meg to get curious about it.  Over time, when Meg became less defensive, she could see the parallels between her relationship with Ed and her mother's relationship with her father.

Gradually, Meg developed insight into how she was looking at her father through the eyes of her younger self.  She realized that she idealized her father when she was a child because she needed to see him as being her "big, strong dad," and she was continuing to do this as an adult.

Although it made Meg feel sad to see her father's problems, she dealt with the loss of this idealization in therapy.  She also had a lot more empathy for her mother and realized that her mother was frequently irritable when Meg was a child because she was exhausted.

Meg also realized that, even though she idealized her father most of the time when she was a child, she admitted that to her psychotherapist that there were times when she felt angry and disappointed with her father.  But she never allowed herself to remain immersed in those feelings as a child because it was too overwhelming for her.  She needed to see her father as a hero.

Gradually, Meg realized that deep down she always knew, even when she was a child, that her father had these problems, but she didn't want to see it.

She also realized that she had made an unconscious choice to be in a relationship with Ed and remain in that relationship as a way to try to fix her childhood relationship with her father, "I never realized before that I thought I could fix Ed and, in a way, it felt like I could fix my dad.  My mother could never fix my dad, but I thought it would be different with Ed and me.  I really thought I could change him."

Now, she saw her father as someone that she loved very much, but she also accepted that he had problems.  She also realized that she couldn't fix her deep-seated childhood problems with her father by being in a relationship with someone who had similar problems or by trying to repeat her parents' relationship with Ed in order to have a different outcome.

Shortly after this, Meg told Ed that he needed to move out, and she no longer felt guilty about it.  By asking him to move out, in effect, this ended the relationship, but she felt better about herself.  She no longer felt like a victim in her relationship.

Afterwards, Meg dealt with the loss of the relationship in therapy.  Even though she and Ed weren't getting along by the time the relationship ended, she still recognized it as a loss.

Meg also continued to work on her childhood problems in therapy so that she wouldn't repeat the same mistake in the future by getting into another unhealthy relationship, and she could make healthier choices.

Conclusion
It's difficult to see your unconscious dynamics on your own.  Even when you're in therapy, you might have a blind spot for these dynamics before you're ready to see them.

The repetition compulsion of repeating earlier family patterns is common.

When people don't see that they're unconsciously choosing an unhealthy relationship as a way to fix an earlier relationship with parents, they can go from one dysfunctional relationship to another without seeing that they're repeating the pattern over and over again.

People often come to therapy because they're having problems in their relationship, and they believe that the problem is with their particular partner at the time instead of seeing that it's the same dynamic repeating itself with different people.

Once you're ready to explore the unconscious dynamics in therapy, part of the work is grieving for what you can't fix in your childhood history.

You will probably grieve the end of your relationship if you realize that it's emotionally unhealthy for you, but you also have a chance to make a positive change in your life and choose a healthier relationship in the future if you work through the repetition compulsion.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're struggling with problems that you've been unable to resolve on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to work through these problems (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

As I mentioned earlier, unconscious behavior is difficult to see on your own, but working with a skilled psychotherapist can help you to recognize and change these unhealthy patterns (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many clients to recognize and change unconscious dynamics that were making them unhappy.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.