Relationships: Looking at Your Partner Through an Attachment Lens Instead of an Enemy Lens

In prior articles I have discussed insecure attachment styles including anxious attachment, avoidant attachment and disorganized attachment (see links for these articles at the bottom of this article).

Looking at Your Partner Through an Attachment Lens

Even if you're familiar with attachment styles, including your own style and your partner's, it's easy to slip into looking through an enemy lens when things get tense between you.  

When you look at your partner through an enemy lens, you might feel like things they say are meant as a personal attack against you or proof that they don't care.  

When you switch your focus to an attachment lens, you can see your partner's behaviors as being either a cry for connection or a cry for space if they are overwhelmed.

Looking at Your Partner Through an Attachment Lens Instead of an Enemy Lens

Here are some examples of how you can switch your focus:

• From Controlling to Anxious: Instead of seeing your partner's frequent texts or calls as controlling behavior, looking at their behavior from an attachment lens, you can consider that your partner, who feels insecure, might need reassurance from you that you're there for them.

Looking at Your Partner Through an Attachment Lens

• From "Indifferent" to "Overwhelmed": Instead of seeing your partner's silence as being indifferent or cold, consider that your partner might be overwhelmed and they might feel the need to "shut down" in order to avoid escalating a conflict between you or they might be feeling like a failure.

• From "Picking a Fight" to "They're Reaching Out": Your partner's critical comments can be clumsy, desperate attempts to get your attention because they feel lonely or unimportant to you.

The Negative Cycle is the Enemy--Not Your Partner

In Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT) neither partner is "the bad guy". 

Instead of making your partner the villain or making yourself the problem, see your interactions in terms of the negative cycle you both get stuck in (see my article: Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship With EFT Couples Therapy).

Looking at Your Partner Through an Attachment Lens

When you stop blaming each other, you can recognize that you each have underlying fears that drive the negative cycle between you.  This allows you to move from a combative or defensive posture to a compassionate stance.

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have been struggling, you could benefit from working with an EFT couples therapist.

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

A skilled EFT couples therapist can help you to improve your dynamic so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Relationships: Understanding the 4 Cs of the Attachment Behavioral System

Understanding the Impact of Early Attachment Issues on Adult Relationships

What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT) 

How Can EFT Couples Therapy Help to Improve Your Relationship? 

How to Get the Most Out of EFT Couples Therapy  

Learning to Ask Your Partner For What You Need

Why Do Core Emotional Issues Get Triggered in Romantic Relationships?

When you're involved in a serious romantic relationship, you are at your most emotionally vulnerable.  So, it's no surprise that core emotional issues often get triggeredwhen you're in love.

See my article: Relationships: Fear of Being Emotionally Vulnerable

Core Emotional Issues Get Triggered in Relationships

Of course, there are usually many positive emotions that come up too when you feel loved and cared about and when you feel the same way for someone else.  But many people discover that several months into the relationship (and sometimes even before that) they begin feeling vulnerable as they realize just how important their partner is to them and how hurtful it would be if it didn't work out.

This emotional vulnerability is usually felt even more acutely when either one or both people have experienced emotional trauma from the past, including family of origin issues, prior breakups or earlier losses.  These old wounds tend to get triggered in the current relationship--even though the relationship might be going very well.  And, if it isn't going well, the current problems can trigger old emotional wounds even more.

Many people find the periods of time in a relationship when it's unclear if the relationship will go to the next level the most anxiety provoking.  These transitional times can include going from casual dating to a monogamous dating, from monogamous dating to being in a committed relationship and the period from a committed relationship to living together or getting married.

If one of both people are ambivalent about the next step, it can be unnerving as each person weighs the risk of remaining emotionally open to the other.  It helps a lot if the couple can talk about it openly.  But if they can't or if their talks are unproductive, they could benefit from couples therapy.

Clinical Vignette:  Why Do Core Emotional Issues Get Triggered in Romantic Relationships?
The following fictional clinical vignette illustrates how core issues are triggered as a romantic relationship transitions from casual dating to a more committed relationship:

Ann and Ted
After they met at a party, Ann and Ted, who were both in their mid-30s, began dating casually about once a week.  During the initial few weeks, they enjoyed each other's company, especially since they had so many common interests.

Two months into the relationship, Ann realized how much she cared for Ted, and she wondered if he was seeing other women.  She wasn't sure how to bring this up. On the one hand, she didn't want Ted to think she was being too demanding of his attention but, on the other hand, she was becoming increasingly worried that as she began to really like him, he might become interested in someone else.

When her worries became greater than her fear of appearing demanding, she broached the topic with Ted over dinner.  Initially, she felt anxious and she feared taking the emotional risk of making herself vulnerable when he might not feel the same way.  But she knew she needed to address this issue, so she told Ted she thought they needed to have a talk about their relationship (see my article: Dating: Is It Time to Have the Talk?).

Upon hearing Ann's words, Ted's expression shifted and Ann could see that he looked worried, "Is everything okay between us, Ann?"  In response, Ann took the risk and told Ted that she really liked him and she would prefer it if they could date each other exclusively rather than dating other people.

When she heard Ted laugh, Ann was confused until he said, "Oh...You looked so serious--I was worried that you were going to say that you didn't want to see me anymore. I'm not dating anyone else and I feel the same way that you do."

During the next few weeks, after they talked about how much they both cared for one another, their relationship deepened, and they spent more time together than before.  With the deepening of their relationship, they enjoyed each other's company even more and made vacation plans for the summer.

However, soon after that, Ann became worried again because she realized she had fallen in love with Ted, and she worried that if their relationship didn't work out, she would be devastated.  She thought about her last long term relationship where she and her fiancé had plans to get married, but their relationship fell apart just a few months before the wedding after he got "cold feet" and ended the relationship.

Even before that engagement, Ann tended to be skeptical about relationships.  Her parents divorced when she was only six months old.  Since her father disappeared from her life after the divorce, Ann never had a relationship with him.  Her mother, who never remarried or even dated after she and Ann's father were divorced, had very negative views of men.  She would constantly warn Ann not to trust men, and she even tried to discourage Ann from dating.

Although Ann rebelled against her mother's negative views about men and began dating in high school, she never felt completely free of her mother's views.  Even though she liked boys and she wanted to be in a relationship, she feared that her mother might be right.

When her fiancé left her, Ann couldn't help feeling that this was a sign that her mother might be right that she shouldn't trust men.  It took Ann a couple of years to overcome the pain of that loss. She was very hesitant to get involved again, but she didn't want to resign herself of a life of being alone.  So, when she met Ted, she decided to give dating another chance.

But as her feelings for Ted grew, her fear also continued to grow.  Aside from this, she wanted to have children, and she feared that if she waited too long, she might have problems getting pregnant.

There were days when she almost wanted to end the relationship rather than face the possibility that at some point in the future he might leave her.  On a rational level, she knew that there were no signs of this but, on an emotional level, her fear became overwhelming.

They were now dating exclusively for six months, and Ann knew that Ted wouldn't initiate a conversation about where they were in their relationship.  He seemed to be content with the way things were going between them.  So, she knew she would have to do it, but she was even more fearful than she had been the first time they talked.

One night when they were out to dinner, Ted noticed that Ann was much quieter than usual, and she was just pushing the food around her plate, so he asked her, "Is something wrong, Ann?"

Ann's initial inclination was to try to smile and say that there was nothing wrong, but she couldn't do it.  She was barely holding back tears.  She knew that Ted was aware of how devastated she felt when her engagement ended suddenly because they talked about their history of relationships soon after they started dating.  But she wasn't sure if he knew about the lasting effect it had on her and how it was affecting their relationship.

With much effort, Ann told Ted about her fears of getting hurt in their relationship and how it was becoming increasingly difficult for her to cope with those fears.  While she was telling him about this, she could barely look at him because she felt so ashamed.  She was sure that he would think she was being ridiculous and that her fears would push him away.

But, to her surprise, Ted listened and he was very understanding.  Although he had never experienced the kinds of losses that Ann experienced, he was deeply moved by her fears and sadness.  He gave her the time and space she needed to express her feelings without being judgmental.  Then, he assured her that his feelings for her had deepened over time and he had no intention of leaving her.

Ann was momentarily relieved to hear this, but her fears continued to mount.  She was afraid that her fears would bring about the end of the relationship, so she suggested that they go to couples therapy.

At the recommendation of a friend, who attended Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples, Ann and Ted began couples therapy.  With the help of their EFT couples therapist, they developed a better understanding of their attachment styles and how these attachment styles affected their relationship (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples?).

After the EFT couples therapist recommended that Ann attend her own individual therapy to deal with the loss of her father, which was getting triggered in her current relationship, Ann started individual therapy.  In her individual therapy, Ann was able to separate out her family of origin experiences and losses (including the negative views about men that her mother attempted to impart on Ann) and her current experiences with Ted.

Both Ted and Ann discovered in EFT that they had different communication and attachment styles, and they learned how to communicate better (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

Most importantly, they learned how to be emotionally vulnerable with each other in order to ask for what they needed from one another and to enhance their relationship (see my article: EFT Couple Therapy: Learning to Ask For What You Need From Your Partner).

At the same time, Ann got more comfortable with trusting that, even though she knew there were no guarantees, things would work out between them, especially once she was no longer triggered.

Conclusion
Core issues, including emotional insecurities, old emotional wounds, and negative beliefs about oneself, often get triggered in romantic relationships because people are most vulnerable when they open themselves to loving another person.

When there is a history of loss and emotional trauma, it's not unusual for these issues to enter into the relationship and cause one or both people to become fearful of getting hurt.

Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples, which has been well researched, is an effective couples therapy to work out these and other relationship issues.

When one or both people have previous trauma that is affecting the current relationship, it's often beneficial to also seek help in individual therapy.

Getting Help in Therapy
Fear due to previous losses and trauma often have a significant negative impact on romantic relationships.

Being able to separate out the trauma from the past from the current relationship is difficult to do when someone is being triggered.  It takes the expertise of a trained trauma therapist or EFT couple therapist to begin to help people to uncouple these issues.

Understanding that you and your partner might have different attachment styles and how these attachment styles affect your relationship is an important component of EFT couples therapy.

If you're having problems in your relationship, rather than allowing your relationship to deteriorate, you owe it to yourself and your partner to get help so you can have a more fulfilling, loving relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I am trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples and I have found it to be an effective modality for helping couples to overcome their problems.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Coping With Intrusive Thoughts and Emotions About Your Spouse's Infidelity

In my prior article, I began a discussion about common reactions to infidelity experienced by each person in the relationship--the person who was injured by the infidelity as well as the person who was unfaithful (see my article: EFT Couple Therapy: Infidelity: Common Reactions of Both Partners).

Coping With Intrusive Thoughts and Emotions About Your Spouse's Infidelity

In this article, I'm focusing on coping with intrusive thoughts and emotions that often come up for the injured partner.

Discovering Your Partner's Infidelity is Traumatic
Discovering that a partner cheated is a traumatic experience for the injured partner as well as for the relationship.  It can also be traumatic for the person who cheated in terms of shame, guilt, self doubt and coming to terms with the consequences of his or her behavior.

Discovering that your spouse has been unfaithful is one of the biggest challenges you will face in your life because you placed your trust in your spouse only to discover this betrayal and violation.

Whether you decide to end your relationship or you try to salvage it, there are often recurring intrusive thoughts and emotions that can be powerful and overwhelming (see my article: Should You Stay or Should You Leave Your Relationship?).

Finding ways to cope with these intrusive thoughts and emotions is important in terms of surviving the discovery of infidelity.

Experiencing Flooding and Intrusive Thoughts After Discovering the Infidelity
Finding out that your spouse has been unfaithful is shocking.  It can feel like your whole world suddenly stopped.

Your relationship can feel "unreal" because you assumed that your spouse was faithful and then discovered that s/he wasn't.  You can also feel that you don't really know the person that you're in a relationship with (see my article: Betrayal: Coping With the Feeling That You Don't Really Know Your Spouse).

In many ways, it can feel like the ground below your feet has given way and you're in a free fall (see my article: Coping With Infidelity).

A common reaction to coping with infidelity is feeling flooded with overwhelming thoughts and emotions.  This sense of flooding can come on suddenly without warning and can occur often, especially during the initial stage of your coping with the infidelity.

Flooding includes intrusive thoughts and emotions about the infidelity.  Even if you don't want to think about it, these thoughts come unbidden and seem to take over.

Fear and anxiety can escalate to the point where you feel panicky.

Examples of Intrusive Thoughts and Emotions

• Wanting a very detailed account from your spouse of what happened sexually between the other person and your spouse (when, where, how, what, with whom).  Having graphic details often fuels more flooding, so you will need to be self protective about what and how much you need to know.
• Imagining your partner having sex with the "other woman" or "other man" and feeling overwhelmed
• Feeling inadequate or unattractive
• Feeling confused about why your spouse cheated on you
• Raging against your spouse for violating your trust and creating problems in your relationship
• Experiencing profound sadness, grief, loss, and crying
• Re-experiencing childhood trauma related to betrayal, mistrust, physical, sexual or emotional abuse or neglect (i.e., current trauma can trigger earlier trauma)

And so on.

Experiencing Intrusive Thoughts and Emotions Related to Your Spouse's Infidelity is Normal
Although you might feel like your thoughts and emotions are out of control, it's normal and common for the injured partner to have intrusive thoughts and emotions.

Even though it can be very difficult, it's important for you to allow yourself to the time and space to experience your feelings, although you don't want to spend all of your time immersed in these experiences.

In other words, rather than avoiding or stuffing your feelings, you need to allow yourself to feel the sadness, grief, anger and frustration that will inevitably come up after you have discovered your spouse's infidelity.

No one wants to experience unpleasant thoughts and feelings, but the more you try to suppress your experiences, the more they will come up again and again--even stronger than before.

You're also more likely to "act out" based on suppressed thoughts and emotions if you don't allow yourself to experience them.  So, for instance, rather than experiencing them, you might act on them by contacting the "other woman" or "other man" or "taking revenge" against your spouse by going out and having an affair yourself.  These actions will only serve to make matters much worse, and you'll end up feeling badly about yourself.

Even though you might feel like you're having these intrusive thoughts and emotions all the time, there are usually periods when these experiences peak and then, eventually, subside over time.

Having coping strategies can help you to experience these thoughts and emotions and release them as they come up.

Coping Strategy: Keeping a Journal

• Writing in a journal is one way to let go of intrusive thoughts and emotions.
• Writing when you feel flooded is a release.  Rather than go over and over these thoughts and emotions in your mind and heart, you can externalize these experiences in writing as a way to temporarily release them.
• Allowing yourself the privacy and time to release your thoughts and emotions in writing can feel freeing.
• Knowing that this is a process, you won't expect that you'll only do this once and you'll permanently feel better.  Instead, you're looking for temporary relief until these experiences eventually subside (everyone is different in terms of how long these experiences last).

Coping Strategy: Using Your Emotional Support System

• Sharing your experiences with a trusted friend or family member can be freeing if it's the right person.  If your spouse is the person that you usually rely on for emotional support, you might be ambivalent, at best, about sharing your thoughts and feelings with him or her right after you discover the affair. 
• Sharing your experiences with your spouse eventually is important, especially if you want to salvage your relationship.  It's part of the healing process for both of you.  It's important for you to be able to express how you feel and it's important for your spouse to hear about the pain that s/he caused you so that you can both heal over time.
• Talking to a trusted friend or family member can prevent you from making destructive mistakes--like taking revenge and "acting out" by cheating.  As previously mentioned, that would only make matters worse.
• Choosing someone who can be emotionally attuned to you, not judgmental and not invested in giving you advice about staying or leaving the relationship is important.  This person just needs to listen and provide emotional support in ways that would be helpful to you.

Coping Strategy: Getting Help in Therapy

• Attending psychotherapy with a psychotherapist who has professional experience with infidelity is often helpful.  
• Getting help with how to process your thoughts and feelings is important.  A psychotherapist who has experiencing helping injured partners can assist you to process your experiences so that you can eventually make decisions about your life as an individual and your life with your spouse.
• Overcoming the self doubts, doubts about your spouse and the future of relationship, fear, rage, sadness, and frustration are essential parts of healing from infidelity.
• Putting the shattered pieces of your life back together so that you can heal over time is another essential part of therapy for injured spouses.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and EFT couple therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many spouses individually and together as a couple to deal with the aftermath of infidelity.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

EFT Couple Therapy - After the Affair: Common Reactions of Both Partners

Infidelity is one of the most challenging issues for a relationship.  Some couples don't make it after an affair has been discovered.  For the couples who try to salvage their relationship, grief, fear and doubt are major obstacles, which is why Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples (EFT) for couples addresses these issues in an effort to repair the relationship (see my articles: Coping With Infidelity and Infidelity: Your Spouse Cheated on You. Should You Stay or Should You Go?).

EFT Couple Therapy - After the Affair: Common Reactions of Both Partners

In my prior article, I provided a fictional vignette, which is typical of what many couples experience in EFT couple therapy when they're trying to work through issues involved with infidelity.

This article will focus on the most common reactions that the injured partner and the partner who cheated usually have.

Each person must be willing to weather the storm that infidelity causes, including feelings of betrayal, abandonment, rejection, broken trust, grief, fear and doubt, if they want to work through their problems.

If, prior to the discovery of infidelity, the couple already had a negative dynamic and engaged in fixed roles of pursuer and distancer, they will use the same maladaptive coping strategies to overcome this crisis, which is why so many couples don't survive infidelity--even many who want to save their relationship (see my article: EFT Couple Therapy: Overcoming the Negative Dynamic in Your Relationship That Keeps You Stuck).

Common Reactions For the Injured Partner
Infidelity brings many powerful emotions for the injured partner, including:

• Anger: Anger and rage are common reactions to the betrayal and violation of infidelity.  
• Avoidance: A common coping strategy is emotional avoidance with regard to interacting with the partner who cheated.  This might mean that the injured partner might ask the other partner to leave the household temporarily or permanently.  The injured partner might vacillate between being volatile and enraged to emotionally distancing him or herself.
• Hurt/Sadness: Contending with the betrayal, shattered assumptions, doubts, fears and grief often lead to feelings of deep sadness and hurt.
• Vigilance: Loss of trust, fear and uncertainty can lead to vigilance on the part of the injured partner to monitor the other partner's activities, phone calls, texts, email, and so on. However, no matter how vigilant the injured partner might be, it will never feel like enough to regain trust.
• Powerlessness: Discovering an affair that was going on without the injured partner's knowledge can lead to the feeling that "anything can happen at any time in this relationship" and s/he cannot trust it and has no control over it.  Loss of confidence and an ability to influence the partner who cheated can cause the injured partner to feel powerless.
• Self Doubt: The injured partner often feels like s/he isn't enough for his/her partner.
• Fear of Abandonment: Feeling rejected and a sense of low self worth with regard to the affair can create a fear of abandonment.  There is often a sense that the relationship isn't safe anymore and abandonment by the partner who cheated feels like a real possibility.

Common Reactions For the Partner Who Cheated
A partner who cheated also experiences certain common reactions after the affair has been discovered:

• Defensiveness: It can be challenging for the partner who cheated to deal with the injured partner's vacillating anger and emotional avoidance.  Many partners who cheated will be defensive about the affair in order to protect themselves from the rage and sadness experienced by the injured partner.  The partner who cheated might shut down emotionally in order to avoid dealing with the injured partner's emotions or because s/he doesn't know what to do to repair the relationship.
• Guilt: S/he will usually feel deep remorse, regret and guilt for his or her actions and for the pain caused to the injured partner and the relationship.
• Shame: Trying to cope with behavior that led to infidelity can create deep feelings of shame where the person who cheated questions his or her own self worth.
• Sadness: Knowing that his or her actions created a crisis in the relationship usually causes the partner to feel sad about the pain the affair inflicted on the other partner and the relationship.  
• Relief: Many people, who are having an affair, are actually relieved that the truth is now out.  Prior to the discovery of the affair, the partner who cheated is often worried about being found out, so there is some relief that s/he no longer has to hide the affair.
• Doubt: After the discovery of the affair, there is often uncertainty as to whether the couple will stay together or not.  Even if they want to try to save their relationship, there is no guarantee that the relationship will survive the emotional upheaval that the discovery of an affair brings.

There is no particular order for these common reactions for the injured partner or the partner who cheated.  Many people go back and forth through these reactions--even people who want to work things out.

I'll expand upon this topic in a future article.

Getting Help in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples:
Many relationships, which could have been salvaged, end because the couples get stuck in a negative cycle and don't know how to change it.

Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples, which was developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, helps people to change the negative dynamic that keeps them stuck so they can have a healthier and happier relationship.

If you and your partner have been unable to resolve your problems, you could benefit from working with a couple therapist who uses EFT.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Emotionally Focused therapist for couples (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples: Are You Reaching For Each Other or Turning Away?

In a healthy relationship both people are able to reach towards each other during times of conflict.  However, during ongoing conflict in a relationship, reaching towards each other for love and support becomes increasingly difficult.  During those times, a couple might turn away from each other rather than face their problems together.  This is why re-establishing the emotional connection is a key part of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples?).

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples: Are You Reaching Towards Each Other or Turning Away?

Part of Stage 1 work in EFT couple therapy is helping the couple to recognize the negative pattern that they've been stuck in.  Once they can see the negative pattern and the roles that each of them play, the EFT couple therapist helps them to reach towards each other and work on this issue together (see my article: Stage 1 of EFT Couple Therapy: A Clinical Example).

Fictional Clinical Vignette: Turning Towards Each Other to Overcome the Negative Pattern
The following fictional clinical vignette illustrates how a couple, who were initially turning away from each other, learn to reach for each other in EFT couple therapy so they can overcome the negative dynamic in their relationship:

Ed and Bob
After being together for 10 years, Bob found out that Ed was having an affair with another man.   Feeling angry and betrayed, Bob told Ed that he would only remain with him if they went to couple therapy to see if they could salvage their relationship.

When they arrived for their initial consultation, their EFT couple therapist noted that they sat at opposite ends of the couch and barely looked at one another.  Initially, Bob was the one who was more engaged in the session, and he talked about how angry he was since he discovered the sexually explicit pictures of another man on Ed's phone, including pictures of this other man and Ed together.

"When we first started seeing each other, "Bob explained to the therapist, "we talked about whether we wanted to have an open relationship where we would remain primary to each other but we could see other people, but we decided not to.  Since that time, I've honored our agreement and I never cheated on Ed.  That's why I felt so betrayed when I found out that Ed was having an affair.  It made me question everything about our relationship and if Ed really loves me."

While Bob was speaking, Ed was looking down at the floor.  Even though it appeared that he was disengaged with the conversation, the EFT couple therapist could see that he looked tense and there was probably a lot going on inside of him, so she invited him to speak.

"Like I told Bob," Ed said with tension in his voice, "He and I haven't been having sex lately.  He works late and then comes home tired.  So, I met this guy at the gym about a month ago and we began having an affair.  I know it was wrong, but it's not anything serious.  I still love Bob and I'm hoping we can work things out."

As they discussed their relationship and how they usually interact, the EFT couple therapist could see that, generally, conflicts tended not to be resolved and resentment had built up over time.  One problem piled on top of another.  This was their pattern.

With regard to the roles that they were in, Bob was more of the pursuer who tried to get to the bottom of their problems, but he said he was constantly frustrated by how Ed would emotionally distance himself whenever he wanted to talk to Ed about a problem (see my article: EFT Couple Therapy: Overcoming the Negative Dynamic in Your Relationship).

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples: Are You Reaching Towards Each Other or Turning Away?

Ed was more of a distancer who was uncomfortable talking about relationship issues.  He said he agreed to come to couple therapy because he knew the infidelity was a serious issue and he didn't want to lose Bob.  He also agreed, prior to attending their initial consultation, to stop seeing the other man, and he said he had no contact with him since the day when Bob found the pictures.

Part of the work during Stage 1 of their EFT couple therapy was for the couple therapist to help them to de-escalate.  Bob, in particular, was so angry about the affair that he would often criticize and blame Ed for the problems in the relationship and Ed, in turn, would shut down emotionally.  Due to this dynamic, they weren't connecting with each other.

The couple therapist helped Bob and Ed to see that, rather than working together to overcome the negative dynamic in their relationship, they were turning away from each other.  She told them that if their relationship was going to survive, they would need to work together to change how they interacted with one another.

So, over time, the couple therapist helped Bob to get beyond his secondary emotion, anger, to the deeper emotions he was experiencing about the infidelity--the hurt and sadness, his primary emotions.  Once Bob was able to stop criticizing and blaming and communicate his sadness and hurt to Ed, Ed opened up more emotionally.

Although Ed had apologized many times to Bob about the infidelity, when Bob revealed his hurt and sadness, Ed's apology came with deeper remorse and compassion for the pain that he caused Bob and the damage he did to the relationship.

Trusting Ed again wasn't easy for Bob.  At first, he was suspicious whenever Ed received a text message.  Ed knew that he needed to work hard to regain Bob's trust, so he was willing to check in with Bob whenever he had to stay late at the office.  He also allowed Bob to look at his phone.

In the meantime, they continued to communicate to each other from their deepest genuine emotions, as they learned in EFT couple therapy, rather than allowing defensive emotions to get in the way.

As part of their work in couple therapy, they both were aware of when they were starting to engage in their negative dynamic.  They even developed a code word to use to signal to one another when it was happening again.  The agreement was that when either of them used the code word, they would stop arguing, take a few minutes and share with each other what was going on.

Rather than focus on their anger, they focused on the emotions they were each experiencing underneath the anger.  This allowed them to shift out of the negative dynamic, talk about their problem, and show compassion for one another.

In other words, rather than turning away from each other, Bob and Ed turned towards each other as a united front to overcome the negative dynamic.  They were no longer blaming or distancing.  They were emotionally connected, and they were closer than they had ever been in their relationship.

Conclusion
When there's conflict in a relationship, a common pattern is for each person to turn away from each other by blaming or distancing.  By remaining stuck in this pattern, the couple is unable to resolve their problems.

An EFT couple therapist will assess the negative pattern and the roles that each person is stuck in, educate the couple, and help them to work together (rather than against each other) to change the negative pattern and get out of rigid pursuer/distancer roles.

Reaching for each other and working together to change the negative pattern are hopeful signs that the relationship can be salvaged.

Getting Help in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples
Trying to change a negative pattern in your relationship can be very difficult to do on your own, especially if the pattern is a longstanding one.

If you and your partner are stuck, you could benefit from seeing an EFT couple therapist.  An EFT therapist can help you to see the negative pattern and work together to change the pattern.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and EFT couple therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

EFT Couple Therapy: Learning to Ask Your Spouse For What You Need Emotionally

In my last article, Experiential Psychotherapy: Learning to Experience and Communicate About Your More Vulnerable Emotions, I discussed how experiential psychotherapy provides an opportunity for you to understand your most vulnerable (primary) emotions so you can get to know yourself better and develop a more genuine connection to your partner (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Talk Therapy and What's the Difference Between "Top Down" and "Bottom Up" Therapy?).

One of the challenges, as I mentioned in the article, is sensing these vulnerable emotions, allowing yourself to feel them, and express them to your partner (see my articles: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples?, What Happens During Stage One of EFT? and What Happens During Stage Two of EFT?).

EFT Couple Therapy: Learning to Ask Your Spouse For What You Need Emotionally

In this article, I'm focusing on how you can use these emotions to understand what you need emotionally and how to ask you partner to meet your needs.

For people who grew up as children where their emotional needs weren't taken into account or their needs were dismissed, it's especially challenging as an adult to ask a partner for what they need.

As children, these people internalized the message that they aren't important or that they're unlovable so they're not entitled to have their emotional needs met (see my articles: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect? and What is the Connection Between Childhood Emotional Neglect and Problems Later On In Adult Relationships?).

They often feel ashamed of their emotional needs--as if they shouldn't have these needs.  Shame is also another obstacle in terms of asking to have their emotional needs met--assuming they haven't suppressed their emotional needs so thoroughly that they no longer know what they need (see my article: Healing Shame in Therapy).

Many adults, who were emotionally neglected as children, hope that their partner will somehow intuit what they need without being asked.  This is complicated by the fact that these same adults often hide their emotional needs from themselves as well as their partner, so the partner is left in the dark.  This dynamic often creates problems in the relationship.

As I've mentioned in prior articles, a major focus of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is the attachment needs of each person in the relationship, how to discover their emotional needs, and how to express them.

Fictional Clinical Vignette: EFT Couple Therapy: Learning to Ask Your Spouse For What You Need Emotionally
The following fictional vignette illustrates how Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples can help a couple reconnect emotionally based on being able to ask for what they need emotionally:

Ann and Bill
After three years of marriage, Ann and Bill realized that they were feeling emotionally disconnected from each other, and they decided to begin Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples to salvage their relationship.

Bill explained to their EFT couple therapist that he often felt confused and annoyed by their frequent arguments.  He said that they had gotten into a negative pattern where Ann would blame him for not anticipating what she needed from him emotionally, but when he asked her what she needed, she refused to tell him.  She would tell him that he "should know," which made him angry and frustrated.  He couldn't understand why she wouldn't tell him.  He would often tell her, "I'm not a mind reader" (see my article: EFT Couple Therapy: Overcoming the Negative Dynamic in Your Relationship That Keeps You Stuck).

As an example, Bill recalled a recent argument where Ann complained that she would have liked Bill to express more compassion when she came home from a rough day at work.  She told him, in an angry tone, that she would have liked him to give her a hug and tell her that it was all going to be alright.

"But," Bill told the couple therapist, "The time before when I tried to hug Ann when she complained about work, she got tense and said she had to cook dinner.  Then, she pulled away from me.  It was obvious that she didn't want me to hug her, and I felt rejected.  So, how was I to know that she wanted to be hugged and comforted the next time?"

Ann acknowledged that she often felt like she wanted to be comforted by Bill when she was upset, but when she actually experienced Bill comforting her, she felt uncomfortable, "I love Bill, and I want the emotional comfort from him, but when he actually comforts me, I feel worse.  I know I sometimes give mixed messages and I don't know why" (see my article: The Connection Between Ambivalence and Mixed Messages).

Bill seemed relieved to hear Ann acknowledge that she gave mixed messages and looked at Ann with concern.

The EFT couple therapist asked Bill and Ann about their family histories as one way to determine their attachment styles.  Bill talked about growing up with loving parents.  His childhood was complicated by his father's extended period of being unemployed.

Bill was aware from a young age that his parents were concerned about money, but he always got the sense from them that they would eventually be alright and he didn't need to worry.  And, in fact, his father did find another job and their financial situation improved.  There were no significant traumatic events in Bill's childhood.

When it was Ann's turn to talk about her childhood, she talked about her history in a somewhat disjointed way.  As opposed to how articulate and organized she had been up until that point, when she talked about her childhood, Ann discussed her childhood in a somewhat tangential and disorganized manner, "Well, I think my parents did the best that they could under the circumstances.  My mother...was okay, but, you know...My father was around sometimes...I was mostly on my own because my parents...it was hard for them..."

From Ann's disjointed, disorganized manner of speaking, the EFT couple therapist realized that Ann probably had significant attachment issues because people with attachment problems, especially disorganized attachment, often present in this way when they're talking about their childhood history (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

It turned out that Ann's parents struggled in their relationship and they also had financial problems.  The mother worked three jobs and the father was in and out of the household.  As an only child, Ann often had to fend for herself at a young age.  She grew up feeling that she couldn't ask for anything for herself, and when she was upset or needed comfort, she felt ashamed of her needs.

Ann's mother often told Ann that she had to be "a big girl" (even though Ann was a young child) and "not to complain" because the mother and father were already overwhelmed.  Ann usually felt like she was "walking on eggshells" when she was at home, and she was often lonely.  Since her parents didn't have any contact with their families, there was no one else around to comfort Ann, so she usually cried herself to sleep.

Ann remembered a few times when her father would come home and be affectionate with her, but she never knew when he would be around and what mood he would be in when he was around.  Due to his erratic nature, Ann learned how to avoid getting too happy or excited when he paid attention to her because she never knew how long it would last or when she would see him again.

After hearing Ann's childhood history, the EFT couple therapist had a better understanding of Ann's dynamic with Bill.  She understood that Ann wanted and needed comfort when she felt unhappy but, based on her childhood experiences, she also felt a lot of shame about needing comfort, which is why she distanced herself from Bill.  It was also very difficult for her to ask Bill for comfort because, on some level, she felt she didn't deserve it.

On another level, Ann hoped that Bill would just intuit what she needed emotionally, but when he did and he expressed affection, she felt ashamed and uncomfortable.  This left Ann caught in an emotional dilemma of both wanting affection but feeling ashamed when she got it (see my article: An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting and Dreading Love).

As Ann worked in couple therapy to access her more vulnerable, primary emotions, she was able to sense beyond her shame to her fear and sadness for all the times, especially as a child, when she needed affection and nurturing and she didn't get it.

Gradually, over time, Ann began to accept that she was "normal" for wanting comfort when she was upset.  Initially, her understanding occurred solely on a cognitive level, as she thought about other people's emotional needs and that everyone is hardwired for love and nurturing from birth.

Over time in couple therapy, Ann was able to get beyond a cognitive understanding to have a deeper emotional understanding and acceptance of her emotional needs, and she no longer felt ashamed.  She also felt a deep compassion for her younger self, who was so emotionally deprived (see my article: Having Compassion For the Child That You Were).

Bill told the EFT couple therapist that their dynamic and Ann's distancing herself now made sense to him, and he wanted to do whatever he could to try to help Ann feel comfortable.

With regard to their relationship, the emotional breakthrough came one day when Ann came home one day feeling upset about an incident at work.  She told the EFT couple therapist in their next session that, as she was telling Bill about it, she felt something shift for her emotionally.

She said she looked at Bill, hesitated for a second, and then told him that she needed him to hold her. Bill immediately took her into his arms and held her tight.  Then, Ann said, she felt a tremendous wave of sadness come over her from deep inside her.

At first, she said, she felt like she would fall into an abyss of sadness and she cried for what seemed to her a long time.  All the while, Bill continued to hold and comfort her, and she was able to take in his love without distancing herself.  Even though, initially, she felt like she would drown in her own sadness, after a while, she felt the wave of sadness subside, and she had a sense of relief.

EFT Couple Therapy: Learning to Ask Your Spouse For What You Need Emotionally

Ann explained to the couple therapist that, since that day, she was feeling increasingly more relaxed with allowing Bill to be affectionate to her when she felt "down."  With the help of the couple therapist, she was able to separate her past emotional neglect and feelings of not deserving love from her current relationship, so she no longer felt ashamed of her emotional needs (see my article: Coping With Trauma: Separating the Past From the Present).

Bill and Ann knew that they needed to continue to attend EFT couple therapy to consolidate the gains that they had made so far, but they both acknowledged that Ann's breakthrough led to a significant improvement in their relationship.

Conclusion
For adults who were traumatized by abuse or emotional neglect, asking to have their emotional needs met is fraught with problems.  In childhood, based on their experiences with their parents, they come to feel that their emotional needs aren't important.  This causes them to feel ashamed.  Over time, they often learn to emotionally dissociate themselves from these needs so that they're no longer in touch with them.

Distancing themselves from their emotional needs as children is an emotional survival strategy that worked at the time to keep them from feeling overwhelmed by their needs (see my article: Emotional Survival Strategies That No Longer Work).

As adults, this same emotional survival strategy causes problems for them as well as their relationships.  The emotional needs, although suppressed, are still there deep down so that these emotions come to the surface from time to time.  But when these emotions come to the surface, it creates a conflict and dilemma of wanting love and, at the same time, feeling ashamed for having this need.

This conflict and dilemma often results in the adult giving mixed messages to his or her partner and unconsciously wishing that the partner could intuit his or her emotional needs.  At the same time, before working on these issues in therapy, the adult often becomes avoidant when s/he gets what she deeply wants because of the shame it elicits.

In EFT couple therapy, the therapist assesses the negative pattern that the couple keeps getting into and the go-to roles that they play (usually as either the distancer or the pursuer).  She also gets each person's family history to understand the attachment styles of each person and how these styles come together in the relationship.

Learning to access and communicate about their most vulnerable needs can be challenging for a couple because it's an emotional risk--especially for people who have a childhood history of emotional neglect or abuse.

Being able to ask for what they is a big step for a couple.  It strengthens the relationship and helps to create a genuine emotional connection between them.

Getting Help in EFT Couple Therapy
EFT has been well researched and is a state of the art form of couple therapy developed by Dr. Sue Johnson.

If you and your partner are stuck in a negative dynamic or fixed roles that are creating conflict and emotional disconnection, you owe it to yourselves to get help in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples.

Working with an EFT couple therapist can help you to develop healthier, more loving ways of relating in your relationship, which will strengthen your bond to each other.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and EFT couple therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

EFT Couple Therapy: Working Together to Overcome the Negative Pattern in Your Relationship

Before getting help in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples, most couples say that they had little to no awareness of their negative pattern or the roles they took on during conflicts in their relationship.  Other couples say they recognize some of these problems, but they didn't know what to do about it.  To address these issues, an EFT trained couple therapist will work with a couple to help them recognize these dynamics and to work together to overcome these obstacles (see my articles: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples?, What Happens During Stage One of EFT Couple Therapy? and What Happens During Stage Two of EFT Couple Therapy?).

EFT Couple Therapy: Working Together to Overcome the Negative Pattern in Your Relationship

In my prior article, I discussed the importance of empathy in changing a negative dynamic (see my article: EFT Couple Therapy: Empathy Helps to Change a Negative Pattern in a Relationship).

Empathy allows you to step back from a confrontation to see the attachment-related issues that keep you and your partner stuck in a negative dynamic.

It also tends to soften both people's feelings towards each other so they can de-escalate their confrontation and consider how they can come together to overcome a negative pattern.  Rather than seeing each other as "the enemy," both people can refocus on the dynamic that they want to change.

Empathy also helps each person to recognize that, in most cases, each person is doing the best that they can with the emotional survival strategies that they learned at a young age.  And, with the help of their EFT couple therapist, they can get beyond their emotional reactivity (secondary emotions) to get to their more vulnerable emotions (primary emotions) once they both feel safe enough to do this.

Empathy allows each person to see his or her own intention as well as the intention of his or her partner.

Fictional Clinical Vignette:  Ray and Anna
Anna and Ray began attending EFT couple therapy because they were arguing a lot, their arguments weren't getting resolved, and resentment was building up between them.

Over time, their EFT couple therapist helped each of them to understand their pursuing/distancing roles and the negative dynamic between them.

When Ray understood that, as a pursuer, Anna's outbursts were the outer manifestation of her need to be closer to him and that underneath her anger she was feeling sad, emotionally abandoned, and fearful about the fate of their relationship, he was able to look beyond her emotional reactivity to her innermost emotions and needs.

When Anna understood that, when Ray got silent when she yelled, he was feeling overwhelmed and was trying to think of a way to calm her down, she realized that he wasn't ignoring her--as a distancer, he was became fearful and emotionally paralyzed in that moment.

Over time, both Ray and Anna came to understand that both of their emotional survival strategies--whether it was Anna's yelling, complaining and criticizing (pursuer traits) or Ray's emotional, cognitive and sometimes physical distancing (distancer traits), were strategies they learned during early childhood.  This alone helped them to feel compassion for each other.

Once they were emotionally de-escalated and feeling more empathy for one another in their EFT sessions, Ray and Anna were able to stop blaming each other and come together in EFT couple therapy to work on their negative dynamic.  This was the first time that they had this "working together" perspective, and they both felt motivated as well as challenged to do the work.

As they discussed their pursuing/distancing roles and their negative pattern of blaming/accusing and distancing, they worked with their couple therapist to come up with a plan to overcome these issues.

Anna suggested that she would be more aware of her desperation to reconnect with Ray when they had an argument.  She said that, instead of verbally attacking him, she would take a few moments to calm down so she could get beyond her anger to her more vulnerable feelings.  Then, she could communicate from her innermost emotions rather than from emotional reactivity.

Anna told Ray and the couple therapist that she was now aware that if she could do this, Ray would be much more receptive and open with her--rather than distancing himself from her.

Ray said he would let Anna know as soon as he began feeling emotionally overwhelmed in one of their arguments, like saying, "It's happening again.  I'm starting to feel overwhelmed" and this could be the signal for both of them to slow down, take time out or do whatever they needed to do to de-escalate emotionally before coming together again.

Ray said he was aware that if he let Anna know that he was feeling too vulnerable emotionally during an argument, she would probably respond in a compassionate way and he wouldn't feel the need to completely shut down emotionally.

Each of them agreed to these strategies for working together to overcome their negative dynamic, and they agreed to try it the next time that they had an argument.

When they returned for their next couple therapy session, Anna explained to their couple therapist that they had an argument a few days ago where they were able to use the strategies that they agreed upon.  She told the couple therapist that, when Ray forgot to take the cat to the vet, as he promised, it was challenging for her to stop herself from yelling and berating him.

She admitted that she started yelling and criticizing him because she felt so angry, but then she looked at Ray's face to see that he looked frightened and heard him say, "It's happening again," and she stopped.  Rather than continue to shout at him and criticize him, she told him that she needed a few minutes to calm herself so she could consider what was happening for her underneath her anger.

Once she was calm, she realized that she felt hurt (a primary emotion) that Ray didn't keep his word, and she was able to tell him, "When I feel this way, I feel like I don't matter to you."

Ray told the couple therapist that he was grateful that Anna was able to stop herself after he gave the signal because it allowed him to remain emotionally present rather than doing what he usually did, which was distancing himself.

He also said that when he heard Anna express her more vulnerable feelings, he felt so much love and tenderness for Anna that he reached out to her, hugged her and assured her that she meant the world to him.

This was the beginning of Ray and Anna working together to overcome their negative pattern.  As they continued to practice coming together at those times, they didn't always succeed.  There were times when one or both of them reverted back to their old pattern.  But, even then, they caught themselves and their arguments were much shorter than they were in the past, and they continued to work in EFT couple counseling.

Conclusion
Understanding the negative patterns and go-to roles, developing empathy for each other, learning to de-escalate conflicts, and coming together to overcome a negative dynamic is all part of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples.

Changing an ingrained dynamic and reliance on particular roles (like pursuer and distancer) can be challenging.  But most couples, who are motivated, would rather combat the negative dynamic than see each other as the enemy.

Like any new skill, it usually takes time to overcome ingrained habits.  This is why EFT couple therapists emphasize that making these changes are part of a process.

Getting Help in EFT Couple Therapy
If you and your partner are struggling in your relationship, you owe it to yourself to get help in Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples, a well-researched couple therapy developed by Dr. Sue Johnson.

Learning to empathize, look beyond surface emotions, and coming together to overcome the negative dynamic are skills that an EFT couple therapist can help you and your partner to develop.

When you're able to come together, you no longer feel alone and you're both empowering each other to make positive changes in your relationship (see my article: EFT Couple Counseling: New Bonds of Love Can Replace a Negative Cycle in a Relationship).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and EFT couple therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

EFT Couple Therapy: Empathy Helps to Change a Negative Pattern in a Relationship

Continuing with my series of articles about Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT), I'm focusing on the importance of empathy to change negative patterns in relationships (see my articles:  What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples?, What Happens During Stage One of EFT Couple Therapy? and What Happens During Stage Two of EFT Couple Counseling?).

EFT Couple Therapy: Empathy Helps to Change a Negative Pattern in a Relationship

As I've mentioned in prior articles, most couples who are stuck in a negative pattern of relating are expressing themselves from secondary emotions, like anger, for instance, rather than their primary emotions of sadness and longing for connection with their partner (see my article: Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples: The Importance of Primary Emotions in Improving Relationships).

Secondary emotions mask the more vulnerable primary emotions.  Couples are often unaware that they're communicating from secondary emotions because these secondary emotions can overtake them, especially in the heat of an argument.

Not only do secondary emotions mask the underlying, more vulnerable emotions, but they usually elicit a defensive or hostile reaction from the other partner.  All of this emotional reactivity serves to escalate an argument--so much so that the couple often begins to move away from the original conflict that they were arguing about to what has been said subsequently in anger or frustration.

When the pattern in the couple is to go negative immediately when there's a conflict, each person usually has his or her role that they play as either a pursuer or a distancer (see my articles:  How EFT Couple Therapy Helps Pursuers to Become Aware of Primary Emotions and How EFT Couple Therapy Helps Distancers to Become Aware of Primary Emotions).

Similar negative patterns, these roles are often entrenched and they are based on each person's early history and attachment style.  Although these emotional survival strategies were once adaptive in early life to keep a child from feeling overwhelmed, these same strategies are detrimental to the adult relationships.

When a couple seeks EFT couple therapy, they're often already entrenched in a negative pattern and fixed roles.  They might not know about negative patterns or roles, but they know that there are problems in their relationship and they don't know how to change them.

How Does Empathy Help to Change a Negative Pattern in a Relationship?
After a couple's emotional reactivity has been de-escalated during Stage One of EFT couple therapy, among other things, the EFT couple therapist helps each person in the relationship to develop self empathy as well as empathy for the partner.

For instance, if there's a couple where one person is in the role of the pursuer and he tends to blame and criticize his partner, and his partner is in the role of the distancer and she tends to move away emotionally, cognitively and physically, there is little room for empathy at that point because each person is dug into his or her positions of either pursuing or avoiding.

Add to this dynamic that one or both people might feel burnt out by all the arguing and negativity, especially if it has gone on for a long time, and there is even less incentive to put aside the negative dynamic and the roles to try to feel empathy.

The EFT couple therapist is trained to listen for the primary emotions that are underneath the more defensive emotions and she attempts to create a safe emotional environment for each person to be more vulnerable.  Then, after the couple is emotionally de-escalated enough, she attempts to help each person to become aware of what's going on underneath all the emotional reactivity.

If EFT therapist thinks that the couple is ready to explore the underlying primary emotions, she might respond by making a tentative statement to see if it resonates with the individual:

"Mary, you get angry when Bill gets home late from the office because the dinner you made is getting cold and spoiling.  What I think I also hear is that you feel sad [a primary emotion] because you want to spend time with Bill in the evening."

If Mary says, "Sad!?!  I don't feel sad!  I feel furious that he takes me for granted!," the therapist realizes that Mary isn't ready to explore her innermost emotions yet, so she will take a step back rather than trying to impose this on Mary.  She might wait until Mary seems more receptive or she might try a different way to get to the primary emotions.

For instance, she might try to elicit the early loving feelings that the couple had for one another at the beginning of their relationship in order to create greater openness in the present:

"Mary, can you tell me what first drew you to Bill when you first started dating?"

If Mary is willing to go there, she will think back to the early days of their relationship and she might say, "Well, I really thought he was very handsome, intelligent and I loved his sense of humor."

As the therapist reflects this back to Mary, she is also watching Bill to see his reaction to hearing how much Mary liked him when they first began dating.  Usually, this will elicit at least a smile or a nod from the other partner.

When the therapist asks Bill the same question, he smiles and says, "I liked Mary immediately.  I noticed her eyes first because they're so pretty, and I liked her smile.  What I liked most about Mary at first was her passion for the things she believes in.  I still like all those things about her.  I just wish she would smile at me now more often--the way she did back then."

After Bill says this, Mary and Bill make eye contact for the first time during the couple therapy session and give each other a tentative smile, so the EFT couple therapist can see that they are beginning to connect.

The therapist might say, "Bill, can you tell Mary more about what it's like for you when Mary smiles at you--like she did just now.  What are you feeling right now?"

Bill looks a little shy at first, which the therapist understands because she knows she's asking him to take somewhat of an emotional risk by opening up.  After his hesitation, he says, "When Mary smiles at me, like how she just did, it makes me feel happy.  It makes me feel like maybe she doesn't see me as a complete failure as a husband and maybe we have a chance."

When Mary hears Bill say this, she's surprised and there's a look of empathy on her face, "I don't think you're a failure as a husband.  I never thought that.  Not at all.  I just don't like to feel taken for granted."

Bill responds by smiling at Mary and taking her hand.

The EFT therapist, who has been seeing the beginning of empathy, might try again, "So, Mary, I know you're angry when Bill is late, but is it possible there are some other emotions underneath that anger?"

At that point, Mary, who has been gradually opening up to Bill's emotions, sighs, "Yeah, I guess I...I miss Bill all day long and I want to see him, so it makes me feel sad when he's late."

Bill squeezes Mary's hand when he hears this and tells her, "I know I don't tell you this, but I think about you many times during the day and I think about how nice it would be to come home to you and for us to have time to ourselves."

This is the beginning of both Mary and Bill opening up to their innermost primary emotions of sadness, love and longing.  This is what allows for a change in their dynamic.  Instead of focusing on their secondary emotions of anger, they can dig a little deeper and recognize their primary emotions.

Over time, if Mary and Bill continue in EFT couple therapy, they will probably develop a new way of  relating to one another as they're able to access their primary emotions and communicate to each other in a deeper way--rather than their more reactive way.

Conclusion
Being able to develop a sense of empathy for yourself as well as your partner can go a long way to helping you to change a negative dynamic in your relationship.

People in relationships tend to focus on their secondary emotions, like anger and frustration (to name just a couple of them) because focusing on those emotions allows them to defend against feeling their more vulnerable primary emotions.

The problems is that focusing on secondary emotions doesn't allow for the possibility of empathy, which can lead to change.

A skilled EFT couple therapist can help a motivated couple to access their primary emotions so they can feel empathy, which allows them to get to primary emotions.  By accessing and communicating from the experience of primary emotions, a couple can make positive changes in their relationship.

Getting Help in EFT Couple Therapy
The dynamic that is presented in the fictional vignette above is common.  It's the kind of negative dynamic that many couples get stuck in and don't know how to get out of on their own.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples provides couples with the necessary tools to improve their relationship.

If you and your partner feel stuck in your relationship, you can get help by seeking assistance from an EFT couple therapist.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and EFT couple therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.