What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT)?

Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy, also known as EFT, was primarily developed by Canadian psychologist, Dr. Sue Johnson in the 1980s.

See my articles: 

EFT Couple Therapy - Overcoming the Negative Dynamic in Your Relationship That Keeps You Stuck

EFT Couple Counseling: New Bonding Can Replace a Negative Cycle in Your Relationship 

How EFT Couple Therapy Can Help You to Improve Your Relationship). 

Dr. Johnson established The International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy (ICEEFT) in 1998, and the center provides training for psychotherapists in EFT.  There is also an EFT Center in Greater New York (NYCEFT).  EFT is now being used internationally in psychotherapists' offices, hospitals, clinics and in other therapeutic centers around the world.

Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples

EFT draws on attachment theory, which focuses on the earliest relationship between caregiver and baby, and also the enduring emotional bond between adults.

EFT is also based on Carl Rogers' person-centered psychotherapy, which takes an empathic stance in therapy.  In addition, EFT the theory of adult bonding to help couples understand their individual dynamics and the dynamics in their relationship, including whatever negative cycle they might have developed that keeps them stuck.

What Are the Stages in Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT)?
There are three stages of EFT Couple Therapy:

• Stage 1: De-Escalation:  As part of the first stage of EFT Couple Therapy, the EFT couple therapist begins by assessing the couple's interaction style, which cause conflicts.  She also helps the couple to identify the negative cycle/attachment emotions, and frames the problem based on the cycle, attachment needs and fears.

• Stage 2: Restructuring the Bond and Changing Interaction Patterns:  During the second stage of EFT Couple Therapy, the EFT therapist assists each person in the relationship to voice his or her attachment needs and deep emotions.  The EFT therapist coaches each person on how to express acceptance and compassion for the other partner's attachment needs and deep emotions.  Each member of the couple is also coached in how to express his or her own attachment needs and emotions and how to discuss the issues that are causing conflicts.

• Stage 3: Consolidation:  The EFT couple therapist coaches the couple on how to use new communication styles to talk about their problems and come up with new solutions.  The couple also learns to use the skills they learned in EFT couple therapy so they create and use new interaction patterns after they leave EFT couple therapy.

Conclusion
EFT Couple Therapy is a well-researched method that helps couples to improve their relationship.  It has been studied extensively and shown to be effective.

Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy

EFT Couple Therapy was developed by Sue Johnson, and it is based on attachment theory, Rogerian therapy, and a theory of adult bonding.

There are three stages in EFT (as presented above).

Although the stages are presented in a linear way in this article, in reality, just like any other form of therapy, the process isn't always linear.

Since the couple is coached to identify and change the negative cycle in their relationship, they learn to stop blaming each other.  Instead, they learn that there are "no bad guys"--just a negative cycle that they can learn to change.

For more information about EFT Couple Therapy, see Sue Johnson's book, Hold Me Tight.

Getting Help For Your Relationship in EFT Couple Therapy
If you and your spouse or partner are stuck in a negative cycle, you owe it to yourself to get help from an EFT couples therapist.

Your EFT couples therapist can help you to restructure the bond in your relationship so you change the negative cycle, express your emotional needs and gain acceptance and compassion for your partner's and your own emotional needs.

About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, EFT couple therapist, AEDP, EMDR therapist, hypnotherapist, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

Also see my articles:
What Happens in Stage One of EFT Couple Therapy?

Stage One of EFT Couple Therapy: A Clinical Example

EFT Couple Counseling Helps Couples to Move Beyond Reactive Emotions and Destructive Arguing Cycles

What Happens During Stage Two of EFT Couple Therapy?

Stage Two of EFT Couple Counseling: A Clinical Example

Why Does EFT For Couples Focus on Emotions?

EFT For Couples: The Importance of Primary Emotions to Improve Your Relationship

Learning to Become More Emotionally Responsive to Your Partner in EFT Couple Therapy

Couples often feel frustrated by recurring negative cycles in their relationship.  Even couples who really love each other and want to be there for each other get stuck in these negative cycles (see my article:  What is Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT)?)

Learning to Become More Emotionally Responsive to Your Partner in EFT Couple Therapy

Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples provides couples with an opportunity to identify their negative cycles and, with the help of an EFT-trained couple therapist, learn how to restructure their interactions with each other (see my articles:  EFT Couple Therapy: Working Together to Overcome the Negative Pattern in Your Relationship).

Emotional responsiveness is an essential part of a loving relationship.  But a common problem in many relationships is that each individual in the relationship has a different concept of what being emotionally responsive means, and this is one of the problems that can perpetuate a negative cycle.

Fictional Vignette: Learning to Become Emotionally Responsive to Your Partner in EFT Couple Therapy:
The following fictional vignette is typical of the dynamic that often occurs in couples when there are problems with emotional responsiveness.  Even though this vignette is presented with the woman and man having particular dynamics, these dynamics can occur with either a man or a woman.  In addition, these dynamics also occur in same-sex relationships.

Sam and Nina
Several months into their relationship, Sam asked Nina to move in with him.  Although she loved Sam and she knew he loved her, Nina told him that she was hesitant to take the relationship to the next level because she felt he wasn't as emotionally responsive to her as she would like him to be.

At first, Sam was surprised to hear Nina say this and he asked her to give him examples of when this occurred.  Nina gave Sam several examples of when she needed his emotional support and, instead of being emotionally present with her, Sam overlooked how upset she was and gave her suggestions on how to "fix" the problem.

Sam listened carefully as Nina spoke, but he couldn't understand why Nina thought he wasn't being emotionally supportive by recommending ways to "fix" her problem.

Nina tried to explain to Sam that she wasn't looking for him to "fix" her problems, which included longstanding complex problems with her parents.  Instead, she just wanted him to listen and be emotionally present with her as she talked to him about these problems.

No matter how Nina tried to explain what she felt she needed from Sam emotionally, he remained confused.  By the end of their discussion, Nina felt frustrated that Sam didn't understand, and Sam felt irritated that Nina couldn't see that if she used some of his suggestions, she wouldn't have these problems anymore, "Isn't it better to have a solution?"

When Nina told Sam that she thought this problem between them was significant enough for them to go to couple therapy, he told her that he thought she was making things unnecessarily complicated between them and he didn't see why they needed to go to couple therapy.

But as the weeks passed and they were both feeling emotionally distant from each other, and Nina expressed doubts about the relationship, Sam told Nina, reluctantly, that he would agree to go to couple therapy to try to work things out between them.

Since Nina's friend told her that she and her spouse had a very good experience in Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples (EFT), Nina sought an EFT couple therapist.

Initially, Sam was sure that the EFT couple therapist would take Nina's side and blame him for their problems, especially since the therapist was a woman.  But he was surprised that the therapist was evenhanded with each of them and she understood and was able to reflect back Sam's and Nina's individual points of view about their problems together with empathy.

Nina and Sam were both pleased that the EFT couple therapist was able to help them to identify the negative cycle where they got stuck as a couple.

Specifically, the therapist assessed that when Nina told Sam that she wasn't getting what she needed from him, Sam felt criticized and blamed, which caused him to withdraw from Nina.  And when Sam withdrew from Nina, she became angry and frustrated and she would become more strident in her efforts to try to get Sam to understand (see my article: What Happens During Stage One of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT)?.

Nina's reaction, in turn, caused Sam to withdraw even further, and the negative cycle went on and on (see my articles: How EFT Couple Therapy Helps "Pursuers" to Become Aware of Primary Emotions to Improve Their Relationship and How EFT Couple Therapy Helps "Distancers" to Become Aware of Primary Emotions to Improve Their Relationship).

Both Nina and Sam agreed that this was their negative cycle.  Sam asked the therapist, "It's great that we know what our negative cycle is, but how do we fix it?"  Hearing him say this, Nina rolled her eyes in anger and frustration and turned to the therapist, "You see?  This is what I have to deal with.  Right away, he wants to know how to 'fix' it" instead of trying to get a deeper understanding of it."

When Sam saw Nina roll her eyes, he folded his arms defensively and slumped in his chair.  It took several more sessions for Nina to stop criticizing Sam and for Sam to understand that therapy, including couple therapy, is a process.  She told them that she felt confident that they would eventually both learn to be more emotionally responsive to one another.

When Nina got to the point where she understood in couple therapy that Sam genuinely wanted to be emotionally responsive to her and improve their relationship and, at the same time, his earlier family experiences were an obstacle for him, Nina became much more open and compassionate towards Sam.

When Sam experienced Nina as more open and compassionate towards him, Sam was more willing to see how Nina's family background had a negative impact on her in their relationship.  He also became much more patient with the couple therapy process.

They both came to understand that an intellectual understanding of their relationship dynamic was not enough and to achieve the changes that they each wanted, the shift would have to occur on an emotional level.

With the help of their EFT couple therapist, Sam and Nina began to restructure their dynamics in their couple therapy sessions by allowing themselves to be emotionally vulnerable with each other to say what they each needed (see my article: What Happens During Stage One of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT)?).

At first, when they learned to do this in their couple therapy sessions, they thought they were done with therapy.  But, as their EFT couple therapist told them, they discovered that, at that point, it was difficult to do this on their own without the help of their therapist.  They needed a lot more practice in their sessions to begin to have success on their own.

Like most dynamics in therapy, Nina and Sam found out that their individual progress in couple therapy was often two steps forward and one step back.  But over time, they each became more comfortable being emotionally responsive to each other when they were on their own.

Sam learned how to listen to Nina in an emotionally present and responsive way.  Most of the time, he was no longer focused on "fixing" things between them.  And Nina learned to stop criticizing and blaming Sam when he occasionally slipped up and reverted back to trying to "fix" the problem.

They both learned that, even though they were bound to make mistakes with each other, as everyone does, the most important thing was that they knew how to turn towards each other (rather than away) to emotionally repair their interactions with one another.

Conclusion
In every couple, each person brings a family history that impacts how s/he relates in an adult romantic relationship.

Having compassion and empathy for one another and being willing to change a negative cycle is key to a successful relationship (see my article: EFT Couple Counseling: New Bonds of Love Can Replace a Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

Learning to Become More Emotionally Responsive to Your Partner in EFT Couple Therapy

How each person in a relationship defines and thinks about being emotionally responsive might be different.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples is a well-researched, powerful tool to help couples to learn to recognize their negative cycle and change it with the help of the EFT couple therapist.

The EFT couple therapist helps the couple to learn new ways of interacting in their sessions so that, eventually, they can interact in a more emotionally responsive way with each other when they're on their own--instead of remaining stuck in a negative cycle.

Getting Help in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) Couple Therapy
Rather than struggling on your own, you and your partner could benefit from Emotionally Focused Therapy so that you can have a more loving and emotionally satisfying relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Emotionally Focused therapist for couples.

I have worked with individuals and couples for over 20 years.

I work with heterosexual, lesbian, gay, transgender and queer couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

EFT Couple Therapy - After the Affair: Common Reactions of Both Partners

Infidelity is one of the most challenging issues for a relationship.  Some couples don't make it after an affair has been discovered.  For the couples who try to salvage their relationship, grief, fear and doubt are major obstacles, which is why Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples (EFT) for couples addresses these issues in an effort to repair the relationship (see my articles: Coping With Infidelity and Infidelity: Your Spouse Cheated on You. Should You Stay or Should You Go?).

EFT Couple Therapy - After the Affair: Common Reactions of Both Partners

In my prior article, I provided a fictional vignette, which is typical of what many couples experience in EFT couple therapy when they're trying to work through issues involved with infidelity.

This article will focus on the most common reactions that the injured partner and the partner who cheated usually have.

Each person must be willing to weather the storm that infidelity causes, including feelings of betrayal, abandonment, rejection, broken trust, grief, fear and doubt, if they want to work through their problems.

If, prior to the discovery of infidelity, the couple already had a negative dynamic and engaged in fixed roles of pursuer and distancer, they will use the same maladaptive coping strategies to overcome this crisis, which is why so many couples don't survive infidelity--even many who want to save their relationship (see my article: EFT Couple Therapy: Overcoming the Negative Dynamic in Your Relationship That Keeps You Stuck).

Common Reactions For the Injured Partner
Infidelity brings many powerful emotions for the injured partner, including:

• Anger: Anger and rage are common reactions to the betrayal and violation of infidelity.  
• Avoidance: A common coping strategy is emotional avoidance with regard to interacting with the partner who cheated.  This might mean that the injured partner might ask the other partner to leave the household temporarily or permanently.  The injured partner might vacillate between being volatile and enraged to emotionally distancing him or herself.
• Hurt/Sadness: Contending with the betrayal, shattered assumptions, doubts, fears and grief often lead to feelings of deep sadness and hurt.
• Vigilance: Loss of trust, fear and uncertainty can lead to vigilance on the part of the injured partner to monitor the other partner's activities, phone calls, texts, email, and so on. However, no matter how vigilant the injured partner might be, it will never feel like enough to regain trust.
• Powerlessness: Discovering an affair that was going on without the injured partner's knowledge can lead to the feeling that "anything can happen at any time in this relationship" and s/he cannot trust it and has no control over it.  Loss of confidence and an ability to influence the partner who cheated can cause the injured partner to feel powerless.
• Self Doubt: The injured partner often feels like s/he isn't enough for his/her partner.
• Fear of Abandonment: Feeling rejected and a sense of low self worth with regard to the affair can create a fear of abandonment.  There is often a sense that the relationship isn't safe anymore and abandonment by the partner who cheated feels like a real possibility.

Common Reactions For the Partner Who Cheated
A partner who cheated also experiences certain common reactions after the affair has been discovered:

• Defensiveness: It can be challenging for the partner who cheated to deal with the injured partner's vacillating anger and emotional avoidance.  Many partners who cheated will be defensive about the affair in order to protect themselves from the rage and sadness experienced by the injured partner.  The partner who cheated might shut down emotionally in order to avoid dealing with the injured partner's emotions or because s/he doesn't know what to do to repair the relationship.
• Guilt: S/he will usually feel deep remorse, regret and guilt for his or her actions and for the pain caused to the injured partner and the relationship.
• Shame: Trying to cope with behavior that led to infidelity can create deep feelings of shame where the person who cheated questions his or her own self worth.
• Sadness: Knowing that his or her actions created a crisis in the relationship usually causes the partner to feel sad about the pain the affair inflicted on the other partner and the relationship.  
• Relief: Many people, who are having an affair, are actually relieved that the truth is now out.  Prior to the discovery of the affair, the partner who cheated is often worried about being found out, so there is some relief that s/he no longer has to hide the affair.
• Doubt: After the discovery of the affair, there is often uncertainty as to whether the couple will stay together or not.  Even if they want to try to save their relationship, there is no guarantee that the relationship will survive the emotional upheaval that the discovery of an affair brings.

There is no particular order for these common reactions for the injured partner or the partner who cheated.  Many people go back and forth through these reactions--even people who want to work things out.

I'll expand upon this topic in a future article.

Getting Help in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples:
Many relationships, which could have been salvaged, end because the couples get stuck in a negative cycle and don't know how to change it.

Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples, which was developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, helps people to change the negative dynamic that keeps them stuck so they can have a healthier and happier relationship.

If you and your partner have been unable to resolve your problems, you could benefit from working with a couple therapist who uses EFT.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Emotionally Focused therapist for couples (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples: Are You Reaching For Each Other or Turning Away?

In a healthy relationship both people are able to reach towards each other during times of conflict.  However, during ongoing conflict in a relationship, reaching towards each other for love and support becomes increasingly difficult.  During those times, a couple might turn away from each other rather than face their problems together.  This is why re-establishing the emotional connection is a key part of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples?).

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples: Are You Reaching Towards Each Other or Turning Away?

Part of Stage 1 work in EFT couple therapy is helping the couple to recognize the negative pattern that they've been stuck in.  Once they can see the negative pattern and the roles that each of them play, the EFT couple therapist helps them to reach towards each other and work on this issue together (see my article: Stage 1 of EFT Couple Therapy: A Clinical Example).

Fictional Clinical Vignette: Turning Towards Each Other to Overcome the Negative Pattern
The following fictional clinical vignette illustrates how a couple, who were initially turning away from each other, learn to reach for each other in EFT couple therapy so they can overcome the negative dynamic in their relationship:

Ed and Bob
After being together for 10 years, Bob found out that Ed was having an affair with another man.   Feeling angry and betrayed, Bob told Ed that he would only remain with him if they went to couple therapy to see if they could salvage their relationship.

When they arrived for their initial consultation, their EFT couple therapist noted that they sat at opposite ends of the couch and barely looked at one another.  Initially, Bob was the one who was more engaged in the session, and he talked about how angry he was since he discovered the sexually explicit pictures of another man on Ed's phone, including pictures of this other man and Ed together.

"When we first started seeing each other, "Bob explained to the therapist, "we talked about whether we wanted to have an open relationship where we would remain primary to each other but we could see other people, but we decided not to.  Since that time, I've honored our agreement and I never cheated on Ed.  That's why I felt so betrayed when I found out that Ed was having an affair.  It made me question everything about our relationship and if Ed really loves me."

While Bob was speaking, Ed was looking down at the floor.  Even though it appeared that he was disengaged with the conversation, the EFT couple therapist could see that he looked tense and there was probably a lot going on inside of him, so she invited him to speak.

"Like I told Bob," Ed said with tension in his voice, "He and I haven't been having sex lately.  He works late and then comes home tired.  So, I met this guy at the gym about a month ago and we began having an affair.  I know it was wrong, but it's not anything serious.  I still love Bob and I'm hoping we can work things out."

As they discussed their relationship and how they usually interact, the EFT couple therapist could see that, generally, conflicts tended not to be resolved and resentment had built up over time.  One problem piled on top of another.  This was their pattern.

With regard to the roles that they were in, Bob was more of the pursuer who tried to get to the bottom of their problems, but he said he was constantly frustrated by how Ed would emotionally distance himself whenever he wanted to talk to Ed about a problem (see my article: EFT Couple Therapy: Overcoming the Negative Dynamic in Your Relationship).

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples: Are You Reaching Towards Each Other or Turning Away?

Ed was more of a distancer who was uncomfortable talking about relationship issues.  He said he agreed to come to couple therapy because he knew the infidelity was a serious issue and he didn't want to lose Bob.  He also agreed, prior to attending their initial consultation, to stop seeing the other man, and he said he had no contact with him since the day when Bob found the pictures.

Part of the work during Stage 1 of their EFT couple therapy was for the couple therapist to help them to de-escalate.  Bob, in particular, was so angry about the affair that he would often criticize and blame Ed for the problems in the relationship and Ed, in turn, would shut down emotionally.  Due to this dynamic, they weren't connecting with each other.

The couple therapist helped Bob and Ed to see that, rather than working together to overcome the negative dynamic in their relationship, they were turning away from each other.  She told them that if their relationship was going to survive, they would need to work together to change how they interacted with one another.

So, over time, the couple therapist helped Bob to get beyond his secondary emotion, anger, to the deeper emotions he was experiencing about the infidelity--the hurt and sadness, his primary emotions.  Once Bob was able to stop criticizing and blaming and communicate his sadness and hurt to Ed, Ed opened up more emotionally.

Although Ed had apologized many times to Bob about the infidelity, when Bob revealed his hurt and sadness, Ed's apology came with deeper remorse and compassion for the pain that he caused Bob and the damage he did to the relationship.

Trusting Ed again wasn't easy for Bob.  At first, he was suspicious whenever Ed received a text message.  Ed knew that he needed to work hard to regain Bob's trust, so he was willing to check in with Bob whenever he had to stay late at the office.  He also allowed Bob to look at his phone.

In the meantime, they continued to communicate to each other from their deepest genuine emotions, as they learned in EFT couple therapy, rather than allowing defensive emotions to get in the way.

As part of their work in couple therapy, they both were aware of when they were starting to engage in their negative dynamic.  They even developed a code word to use to signal to one another when it was happening again.  The agreement was that when either of them used the code word, they would stop arguing, take a few minutes and share with each other what was going on.

Rather than focus on their anger, they focused on the emotions they were each experiencing underneath the anger.  This allowed them to shift out of the negative dynamic, talk about their problem, and show compassion for one another.

In other words, rather than turning away from each other, Bob and Ed turned towards each other as a united front to overcome the negative dynamic.  They were no longer blaming or distancing.  They were emotionally connected, and they were closer than they had ever been in their relationship.

Conclusion
When there's conflict in a relationship, a common pattern is for each person to turn away from each other by blaming or distancing.  By remaining stuck in this pattern, the couple is unable to resolve their problems.

An EFT couple therapist will assess the negative pattern and the roles that each person is stuck in, educate the couple, and help them to work together (rather than against each other) to change the negative pattern and get out of rigid pursuer/distancer roles.

Reaching for each other and working together to change the negative pattern are hopeful signs that the relationship can be salvaged.

Getting Help in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples
Trying to change a negative pattern in your relationship can be very difficult to do on your own, especially if the pattern is a longstanding one.

If you and your partner are stuck, you could benefit from seeing an EFT couple therapist.  An EFT therapist can help you to see the negative pattern and work together to change the pattern.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and EFT couple therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding Your Primary Emotions Can Help You to Improve Your Relationship

In my prior article, Why Does Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) Focus on Emotions? I began discussing why EFT places so much emphasis on emotions to help couples to make changes and improve their relationship.  

In this article, I'm focusing more in depth on primary emotions.

See my articles: 

What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples?

What Happens During Stage One of EFT Couple Therapy?

What Happens During Stage Two of EFT Couple Therapy?

Primary Emotions and Your Relationship

What Are Primary Emotions?
As I discussed in my prior article, primary emotions are your first emotional reaction to an experience, and these emotions happen very quickly--so quickly, at times, that you might not notice them, especially if they are emotions that you're not comfortable with, like sadness or fear.

Primary emotions include:

• joy/happiness
• sadness
• hurt
• surprise
• excitement
• disgust
• shame
• anger (although not always)
• fear

Primary emotions are biologically based and instinctual so they are hard wired into human beings.

From an evolutionary standpoint this makes sense.  

For instance, centuries ago when people lived in caves, they needed an emotional response to danger that was quick and efficient.  

If a caveman or cavewoman walked into the wrong cave--the cave where the lion lived--instead of the family cave, having an emotional response, in this case fear, that propels you to run before you even have time to think about it, is immediate and could make the difference between life and death.

Although we no longer live in caves and we don't need to run from bears or tigers, primary emotions still contain important information for you as an individual and for your partner (more about this below).

Anger, as noted above in the list of primary emotions, isn't always a primary emotion. 

Sometimes, anger is a secondary emotion.  

For instance, when someone experiences anger because she is being abused or manipulated, this is usually a primary emotion.  

However, if someone uses anger to mask deeper feelings (primary emotions) of hurt or sadness, then anger is a secondary emotion (more about what secondary emotions are below).

Primary emotions involve you at your most emotionally vulnerable, especially when you attempt to share your deepest emotions with your partner.

Being able to say, "I'm afraid you might leave me because I keep disappointing you" is a lot different than saying in anger (as a secondary emotion), "You make me so angry when you complain about how I disappoint you, and I know you're probably going to bail on our relationship!"

In the first example, the person is showing an emotional vulnerability, which is more likely to elicit a compassionate response than in the second example where the statement is said in an angry tone and which is blaming and critical.  The partner is more likely to become defensive after hearing the second statement.

As you can see from the list of primary emotions above, these emotions include both positive emotions (like joy) and so-called "negative emotions" (like disgust).  The "negative emotions" are not called "negative" because they're "bad."  They're called "negative" in contrast to the positive emotions.

All emotions, whether they are labeled as "positive" or "negative," are normal and they provide you with important information about what you're feeling, how you might be impacting your spouse or partner, and what might be going on in your relationship (more about this below).

Secondary emotions, which I will discuss in a future article, are emotions that are a reaction to primary emotions, so they come later.  These emotions often mask the primary emotions that you feel uncomfortable with.

What Role Do Primary Emotions Play in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples?
An EFT couples therapist understands the importance of primary emotions and helps each individual in the relationship to become aware of these emotions to help the couple overcome a negative dynamic in their relationship and to make positive changes.

Becoming aware of primary emotions is important because they:

• Let you know how you are feeling in the moment

• Provide you with information about what you need to do to take care of yourself, your partner and your relationship

• Motivate you to seek help from those who can help you

• Encourage your loved ones to be compassionate to comfort and reassure you (when you share your primary emotions in a vulnerable way without criticism or blame)

As I mentioned in an earlier article, EFT Couple Therapy: Overcoming the Negative Dynamic in Your Relationship That Keeps You Stuck, the EFT couple therapist will assess the couple's pattern of relating during Stage One of EFT  and reflect this back to each individual.

She will also help each individual to become aware of the primary emotions that are being masked by and communicated with secondary emotions.

In addition, she will help each person to get comfortable with communicating primary emotions once the dynamic in the relationship has been de-escalated so that each person can feel safe enough emotionally to risk being vulnerable.

In my next article, I'll give some examples of couples who use secondary emotions, instead of primary emotions, to communicate with each other, show the detrimental effects of this dynamic, and why it's so difficult to change these patterns on your own.

Getting Help in EFT Couple Therapy

So many people, who love their spouses or partners, get stuck in destructive relationship dynamics that destroy an otherwise good relationship.

If you and your partner haven't been successful with improving your relationship on your own, you could benefit from attending couple therapy with an EFT couple therapist.  

Instead of remaining stuck in a negative cycle that's ruining your relationship, you could get help in EFT couples therapy and save your relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and EFT couple therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why Does Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples Focus on Emotions ?

I have been discussing Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples in the last several articles (see my articles: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT)?, What Happens During Stage One of Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples? and What Happens During Stage Two of EFT Couple Counseling?).  In this article, I'm addressing a common question that couples often have when they are considering EFT couple therapy: Why does EFT focus on emotions?

Why Does Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples Focus on Emotions?

Focusing on Emotions in EFT Couple Therapy

Based on recent neuroaffective research, we now know that emotions occur at least two and a half times faster than thoughts.  Since emotions occur so quickly, it's possible to be unaware of what you're feeling emotionally before you have a thought about whatever you're experiencing.

Emotions also motivate your behavior, whether you realize it or not, both as an individual and as an individual in a relationship.  Emotions also motivate you to change much more than your thoughts.  So, it's important to be aware of what's going on emotionally, especially if you want to make changes.

Understanding Why Emotions Are Important

An important role for the EFT couple therapist is helping each member in the relationship to be able to:

• Identify emotions as they occur in the present and in the past 
• Learn to distinguish between primary, secondary and instrumental emotions (more about this below)
• Understand the positive and negative roles emotions play on a personal level as well as in the relationship
• Create an emotionally safe environment in couple therapy for each individual to identify and reveal more vulnerable (primary) emotions to his or her spouse or partner
• Understand whether a secondary emotion is masking a primary emotion (more about this below)
• Learn to feel and expression self compassion as well as compassion for your partner

Primary, Secondary and Instrumental Emotions:

• Primary emotions are the emotions that you feel first with a sense of immediacy.  These emotions, which include: fear, anger, sadness, joy/happiness, disgust, contempt and surprise.  They occur in the body, including on a gut level.  These emotions are biologically hardwired into humans.  These emotions are also the most vulnerable emotions that you have, and since you can feel so emotionally vulnerable with a primary emotion, you might shy away or distract yourself from your primary emotions and have difficulty expressing these emotions to your partner.
• Secondary emotions are reactions to your primary emotions.  They often serve the purpose of masking the more vulnerable primary emotions.  For instance, a wife, who is sad when she feels her husband is ignoring her, might feel anger as a secondary emotion to mask the hurt and sadness (primary emotions) she feels.  Although she feels more comfortable expressing her anger to her husband, her angry communication won't be as effective as compared to her revealing her hurt and sadness.  Chances are that her husband, who might feel an inward sense of remorse for ignoring his wife, will become outwardly defensive rather than addressing the problem between them.  In response to her anger, he might defensively deny that he is ignoring her, dismiss or belittle her concerns, criticize her for some shortcoming that he sees in her or withdraw/stonewall in silence.  No matter which defensive response he gives, the problem isn't solved and it might even become worse.
• Instrumental emotions are emotions that are often used in relationships, consciously or unconsciously, to manipulate.  For instance, a husband who, on a primary emotional level, is hurt and sad that his wife tends to be late whenever they're meeting for dinner or to go to a show, might try to make his wife feel guilty by exaggerating a headache that developed while he was waiting for her.  Rather than being direct with his wife and expressing his hurt, he tells her that waiting for her caused him to develop the headache.  If he really wants to rub it in, he might portray himself as the victim in the relationship who is "always waiting" for her.  Although the husband might accomplish his short-term goal (assuming he is aware of it) of manipulating his wife into feeling guilty, in the long run, this strategy does more harm than good.  

Changing Negative Dynamics in Your Relationship

Changing negative dynamics in a relationship is challenging, especially if both people have been engaging in these dynamics for a long time.

Becoming aware of the dynamics and the role that each person plays is the first step.  It's normal for both people to feel uncomfortable at first when they're exploring their negative dynamics with their EFT couple therapist.  

But if both people really want to improve their relationship, this is an important step.  And rather than blaming yourself or your spouse for the dynamics, it's important to focus on the dynamic as happening between you and realize that there are no "bad guys."  It's the dynamic that needs to change (see my article: EFT Couple Counseling Helps Couples to Move Beyond Reactive Emotions and Destructive Arguing Cycles).

Rather than blaming yourself or your partner, it's much more effective to become curious about the dynamic and to be willing to take a risk to change (see my article: EFT Couple Therapy: New Bonds of Love Can Replace a Negative Dynamic in a Relationship).

More about this in my next article.

Getting Help in EFT Couple Therapy

Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples is internationally recognized as a well-researched and effective form of couple therapy developed by Dr. Sue Johnson.

Rather than continuing to struggle in a negative dynamic with your partner or spouse, you could get help to improve your relationship in EFT couple therapy.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, AEDP and EFT couple therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

EFT Couple Counseling Helps Couples to Move Beyond Reactive Emotions and Destructive Arguing Cycles

In prior articles about EFT (Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy), which was developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, I discussed how this well-researched form of couple counseling can help couples to improve their relationship.

See my prior articles:

• What is Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT)?
• What Happens During Stage One of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT)?
• Stage One of EFT Couple Therapy: A Clinical Example
• How EFT Couple Therapy Can Help You to Improve Your Relationship
• EFT Couple Counseling: New Bonds of Love Can Replace a Negative Cycle in a Relationship
• What Happens During Stage Two of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT)?
• Stage Two of EFT Couple Counseling: A Clinical Example

In this article, I'm focusing specifically on how EFT can help couples to move beyond reactive emotions, like anger and frustration, to the more vulnerable underlying emotions, like hurt and fear, to help change destructive patterns of relating.

EFT Couple Counseling Helps Couples to Move Beyond Reactive Emotions and Destructive Cycles  

Reactive emotions tend to drive arguments.  Rather than communicating the hurt, sadness or fear that are underneath these reactive emotions, couples often tend to lead with emotional reactivity.

Not only does this often lead to defensiveness, but it all tends to fuel escalating, destructive arguments.  After a while, this can become a pattern of relating that couples often find difficult to change on their own.

Fictional Clinical Vignette:  EFT Couple Counseling Helps Couples to Move Beyond Reactive Emotions and Destructive Arguing Cycles
The following fictional clinical vignette illustrates how an EFT couple therapist can help a couple to move beyond their reactive emotions to end destructive arguing cycles:

Mark and Tara
After more than a year of couple therapy where they were focusing on developing "better communication skills," Mark and Tara decided to see an EFT couple therapist recommended by Tara's individual therapist because their regular couple therapy wasn't helping them.

Tara's individual psychotherapist, who was training in EFT couple therapy, told Tara that EFT went far beyond looking at communication skills and focused on the dynamic between the couple, including their individual ways of relating.  She also told her that the latest research indicated that getting to the underlying emotions was key to improving relationship dynamics.

During their first EFT couple therapy session, Tara told the couple therapist that, in their five years of marriage, she and Mark usually had arguments that escalated to the point where she was yelling and Mark "stonewalled" her by not speaking or leaving the apartment during heated arguments.

She said that the worst part was that nothing ever got resolved between them and, even though they still loved each other, they were growing farther and farther apart with time.  She feared that they weren't going to make it if they continued arguing this way.  Focusing on communication skills in their prior couple therapy did nothing to change their dynamic, Tara said.

While Tara spoke, Mark looked away and remained quiet.  When it was his turn to speak, he admitted that he never wanted to start couple therapy, but he did it at Tara's insistence.  Initially, before they started their prior couple therapy, he feared that he would be blamed by both his wife and their female couple therapist.  He thought they would "gang up" on him.  So, he said, he was pleasantly surprised that their prior couple therapist was evenhanded and didn't automatically blame him for the problems in the relationship.  However, he agreed with Tara that, even though they were in couple therapy, they continued to have destructive arguments that went nowhere.

With some prompting from the EFT couple therapist, Mark gave an example of a recent argument that was typical of the type of arguments that he and Tara would have.  He said he came home from work last week and Tara seemed annoyed and as if she was waiting for him to say or do something.

At a loss as to what was going on, he asked Tara why she looked so annoyed, and she began yelling at him that, once again, he forgot their wedding anniversary.  She told him that she had hoped that when he came home, he would tell her that he remembered this year and he made a reservation at their favorite restaurant for that evening.  But when he said nothing about it, she told him, she realized that this was all a repeat performance of the last few years where he completely forgot.

At that point, Mark told the EFT couple therapist, he felt guilty, he was genuinely sorry and he wanted to apologize to Tara, but he knew that he had done this each year and she wasn't ready to accept his apology.  He also knew that his apology wouldn't make up for Tara's disappointment.

In thinking about what to do, Mark knew from their prior arguments that Tara would be piling on a litany of complaints and disappointments.  Even though he knew he was at fault, he also felt too tired to deal with Tara's anger.  So, instead of listening to her, he went upstairs to take a shower, and he thought he would come back down to talk to Tara when both of them had cooled off.

Rather than giving him his "space," he said, Tara followed him upstairs and pushed the door open to their bathroom.  She was even more angry that he left her standing downstairs by herself than she had been originally when he got home, and she yelled at him for all the things he did to disappoint her over the last few months.

Mark said that he felt at the "breaking point" when Tara "cornered" him in their bathroom.  At first, he said, he wasn't sure what to do.  From his perspective, Tara saw him as "a loser" who couldn't even remember their wedding anniversary, and he felt like "a loser" too.  He dreaded the thought that Tara might get fed up one day and leave him.  But not knowing what else to do, he remained silent, hoping that Tara would eventually stop yelling at him and he could calm himself.  But rather than stopping, Tara was escalating and getting louder.

When he felt he couldn't take it anymore, Mark said, he reminded Tara about things that were important to him that she had forgotten.  He told her that she acted like she was "Miss Perfect," but she was far from perfect, so she should get off his back.

After he said this, he told the EFT counselor, he was immediately sorry, especially when he saw the hurt and guilty look on Tara's face.  His first impulse was to take Tara in his arms and kiss her, but she walked out of the room and he decided not to pursue her.

Later on, Mark said, when they were having dinner, they were both quiet and barely made eye contact.  The argument had stopped, but now they remained in stony silence for the rest of the evening.  He told the EFT counselor that, when they first got married, they had agreed that they would never go to bed angry, but there were so many arguments like this that they often went to bed angry and woke up barely speaking to one another.

That particular night when they each remained on their side of the bed, Mark said, he thought about reaching out to Tara, but he thought it would be pointless.  He stayed up most of the night thinking about how Tara would probably leave him and feeling scared and lonely.  The next morning, he said, was the same as many other mornings after they argued--they barely spoke before each of them went off to work.

When the EFT couple therapist asked Tara for her reaction to Mark's recounting their last argument, Tara said that she was surprised.  From her perspective at the time of the argument, she thought that Mark's initial lack of response meant that he didn't care, and this infuriated her.  Then, when he walked away from her, she said, she became even more angry.  When he reminded her of the things that she had done wrong, she didn't know what to say.  She felt so guilty that she needed to withdraw from him.  She said she also spent a sleepless night after their last argument, and she wanted to reach out to Mark too, but she didn't know how anymore.  She agreed that this was the usual pattern to their arguments and these arguments were eroding their relationship.  She was beginning to feel hopeless about their marriage, but she didn't want to give up.

Their EFT couple therapist helped them to see that there were "no bad guys" in their relationship--instead, there was a destructive pattern of interacting that wasn't working.  Then, over the next several sessions, she helped each of them to focus on their pattern--rather than blaming each other--and express the more vulnerable feelings that were underneath their anger.

Mark had an easier time expressing his sadness, loneliness and fear.  In response, Tara seemed genuinely moved by his expression of vulnerability, but she said she also felt too afraid to allow herself to be emotionally vulnerable with Mark.  She said there had been too many times in the past when she opened up to Mark to express her sadness and he responded, from her point of view, by being "cold and rational," telling her that she had "no reason" to be sad.  Now, she felt she had to protect herself from being emotionally vulnerable with him.

During the next several sessions, the EFT counselor helped Mark to tell Tara that he now realized that his attempts at being "rational" were hurtful to her, and he wanted to be open to whatever she had to tell him about her more vulnerable feelings.  At various times, Tara seemed on the verge of opening up emotionally to Mark, but then she would shut down again.

Based on what she learned in EFT couple therapy, Tara said she understood that, in order for their negative dynamic to change, she and Mark needed to get beyond their reactivity to express their emotional needs and she asked Mark to be patient with her, which he agreed to do.

During that time, the EFT counselor reflected back to each of them what she saw in terms of the love that each of them felt for the other.  She also modeled the type of open dialogue that they were striving to have with one another.

Then, in their next EFT couple session, Tara made a tentative effort to begin telling Mark how sad and fearful she felt whenever they had destructive arguments.  At first, her words were halting and she looked at the couple therapist, who encouraged her to continue.

When Tara was midway through expressing her feelings, Mark reached out and held her hand to reassure her that he was there, he was listening and he wasn't going anywhere.  At that point, feeling assured by him, Tara responded by squeezing his hand and smiling at him.

They both acknowledged that this was the first time in a long time that they held hands and felt so close to one another.  Mark said that he realized that Tara didn't think of him as "a loser" and that she was committed to their relationship, which was a big relief to him.  Tara said that this was the first time in a long time that she felt "heard" by Mark and really cared about.

During subsequent EFT couple therapy sessions, Mark and Tara continued to open up to each other.  They told their couple therapist that they still had arguments, but they were able to stop them more easily to say what they were really feeling underneath their anger.  Rather than remaining reactive to each other, they were able to respond with love and compassion to one another.  This tended to end the argument so that they could talk about what they each needed.

Mark and Tara remained in EFT couple therapy to consolidate what they had learned and to develop other healthy ways of relating.

Getting Help in EFT Couple Therapy
Many forms of couple therapy focus on how to communicate and listening skills.  There's nothing wrong with this, but the problem is that couples often don't get to look at their destructive dynamic.  Just as important, they don't get to the underlying emotions beyond their reactivity so that little or nothing changes.

An EFT trained couple therapist has the skills to help couples to get to their more vulnerable emotions underneath the reactivity.  She knows that, ultimately, getting to these more vulnerable emotions is what enables the dynamic to change.

Rather than continuing to engage in destructive patterns that are ruining your relationship, you can get help in EFT couple therapy to salvage your relationship.

For more information about EFT Couple Therapy, read the following books:

Hold Me Tight - by Dr. Sue Johnson
Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy For Dummies - by Brent Bradley and James Furrow

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and EFT couple therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Stage Two of EFT Couple Counseling: A Clinical Example

In a prior article about Stage One of EFT couple therapy, I provided a fictional clinical vignette to illustrate what happens during Stage One.  Also, see my articles:

• What is Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT)?
• What Happens During Stage One of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT)?
• Stage One of EFT Couple Counseling: A Clinical Vignette
• EFT Couple Counseling: New Bonding Can Replace a Negative Cycle in Your Relationship
• What Happens During Stage Two of EFT Couple Counseling?
• How EFT Couple Counseling Can Improve Your Relationship

Stage Two of EFT Couple Counseling: A Clinical Example

In this article, I'm providing a fictional clinical vignette of Stage Two using the same fictional couple to show the next step in the process of EFT couple therapy.

Fictional Clinical Vignette: Stage Two of EFT Couple Therapy:
The following vignette illustrates how an EFT couple therapist works with a couple during Stage Two of EFT couple therapy:

Ted and Rita
In a prior article, Ted and Rita, who were married for five years, began EFT couple therapy after Rita found out that Ted had been cheating with his ex-girlfriend.  Ted ended his affair with his ex and expressed genuine remorse for the pain that it caused Rita and the damage it did to their relationship.

Initially, Rita, who was historically the pursuer in the relationship, wasn't sure if she wanted to remain in the relationship.  As the pursuer, Rita had been the one who tried to get Ted to talk about their relationship and would feel insecure and emotionally abandoned when Ted, as a withdrawer/distancer, tended to avoid these discussions.  This pattern changed after Rita found out about the affair.

After she found out about the affair, Rita withdrew emotionally from the relationship and asked Ted to move out temporarily to give her time to think things over.  As a way to try to salvage the marriage, Ted asked Rita to participate with him in couple therapy, which she agreed to somewhat reluctantly.

During Stage One of EFT couple therapy, the EFT couple therapist helped both Rita and Ted to feel safe in therapy.  After a while, Rita was able to stop criticizing Ted so he could re-engage emotionally in the relationship.  At that point, they both realized that their problem was rooted in a negative dynamic in their relationship.

Rather than blame and criticize each other for their problems, they realized that they each had their own emotional needs that weren't being met or communicated in the relationship.  At that point, they both made a greater commitment to couple therapy to work out their problems.

After Ted and Rita were able to de-escalate their emotions during Stage One with the help of their EFT couple therapist, they were ready to move onto Stage Two, which entails restructuring their bond.

Even though it was hard for each of them at first, their EFT couple therapist helped each of them to express what they each needed from the other.  Their EFT couple therapist also helped them to accept each other and show compassion for one another.

During this stage of therapy, both Ted and Rita expressed how emotionally vulnerable they felt when they expressed their emotional needs.  Rita said she feared that Ted would think of her as being "needy," and Ted still feared that Rita saw him as "a loser," especially after she found out about his sexual affair with his ex.

Their couple therapist was able to help them to trace back these fears to their childhood history so that they could understand the power these fears had over them, and they could begin to work through these issues.

As would be expected, they each took one step forward before backsliding again due to their fears around emotional vulnerability, and their EFT counselor helped them to get back on track whenever they took steps backward.

When they became sexual again, Rita said there were times when she remembered that Ted had an affair and she felt repulsed by him.

During those times, she said she said she had to stop their sexual activity and withdraw from Ted.  She said she feared that, instead of feeling close to her, Ted might be thinking of his ex.  She told him that she needed to know that he felt emotionally connected to her so that she wouldn't think he was thinking of his ex.

Ted expressed how hurtful it was for him whenever Rita stopped their lovemaking because of her thoughts of his infidelity.  Yet, he understood that Rita was having a normal reaction, and he tried to be patient and understanding.  He said he tried to reassure Rita that he was only thinking of her, but he couldn't convince her at certain times.

Their EFT couple therapist helped Rita to express what she needed from Ted when she began having doubts when they were sexual together.  Rita was able to tell Ted that she needed him to look directly at her, talk to her and hold her so she would know that when they made love, he was fully engaged with her and not thinking about his ex.

After a few aborted attempts, Rita and Ted came back to their next session and told their therapist that they were able to be emotionally and sexually engaged with each other so that they could enjoy being sexual together.  Rita said she still thought about Ted's affair occasionally, but she also knew that he loved her and he was committed to their marriage.

After several more sessions, Rita and Ted were able to express their emotional needs more easily to one another.

Once Rita was able to stop criticizing Ted, Ted was able to remain emotionally present rather than engaging in avoidance tactics where he distanced himself emotionally.

They also felt more deeply bonded to one another.  It was the first time that, even though they had a long way to go, they both felt that they were really on the road to mending their relationship.

Getting Help in EFT Couple Therapy
As I mentioned in prior articles, EFT couple therapy is one of most researched models of couple therapy with a high success rate.

Rather than engaging in the same negative patterns that are ruining your relationship, you owe it to yourself and your partner to get help in EFT couple therapy.

Coming to couple therapy sooner rather than later is an important aspect of salvaging a relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, AEDP and EFT couple therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What Happens During Stage Two of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT)?

I have been discussing Emotionally Focused couple therapy (EFT) in prior articles (see my articles: What is Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT)?, What Happens During Stage One of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT)? and Stage One of EFT Couple Therapy: A Clinical Example).  In this article, I'm focusing on what happens during Stage Two of EFT couple therapy.

What Happens During Stage Two of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT)?

As I mentioned in my earlier articles, EFT is a research-based couple therapy developed by Dr. Sue Johnson that helps couples to connect with each other in healthy ways and improves their emotional attachment.

I described what happens during Stage One of EFT in an earlier article.

After a couple completes the necessary steps of Stage One, their EFT couple therapist will guide them through Stage  Two, which is about changing the patterns of their interaction that cause problems in their relationship (see my article: Overcoming the Negative Dynamic in Your Relationship That Keeps You Stuck).

During Stage Two, the EFT couple therapist helps each person in the relationship to feel safe enough to express his or her attachment needs and deep emotions (see my article: EFT Couple Counseling: New Bonding Can Replace a Negative Cycle in a Relationship).

Since this can be difficult, especially for a couple who have longstanding problems and who might not feel comfortable allowing themselves to be so emotionally vulnerable, the EFT couple therapist acts as a coach to help each person to express their emotional needs to each other and to also express acceptance and compassion for the partner's needs.

During Stage Two of EFT, the couple also learn to discuss issues that have created conflict in their relationship in a new and healthy way.

This stage often involves one step forward and one step back as each individual in the couple learns to express his or her emotional vulnerability, compassion, and learns to adjust to new ways to approach issues that caused conflict in the past.

In my next article, I'll provide a clinical example of Stage Two using the same fictional couple that I discussed in my earlier article about Stage One of EFT couple therapy.

See my article: Stage Two of EFT Couple Therapy: A Clinical Example

Getting Help in Couple Therapy
Many couples remain stuck in old, dysfunctional ways of relating and, eventually, these patterns erode their relationship until the relationship is beyond salvaging.

By seeking help in couple therapy, the couple have an opportunity to stop enacting destructive patterns in their relationship, learn to express their emotional needs and express compassion for their partner's needs.  They also learn new ways of dealing with conflict.

Rather than continuing to engage in old patterns that are ruining your relationship, you can get help from an experienced couple therapist and salvage your relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing, and EFT couple therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Stage One of EFT Couple Therapy: A Clinical Example

My prior article about EFT couple therapy, What Happens During Stage One of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT)?, described what happens during Stage One of EFT couple counseling.  In the current article, I'm providing a fictional clinical vignette to illustrate how EFT couple therapy works during Stage One.

Stage One of EFT Couple Therapy: A Clinical Example

Also, see my articles:

• What is Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT)?
• EFT Couple Therapy: Overcoming the Negative Dynamic in Your Relationship That Keeps You Both Stuck
• How EFT Couple Therapy Can Help to Improve Your Relationship
• EFT Couple Counseling: New Bonding Can Replace a Negative Cycle in a Relationship

Fictional Clinical Vignette: Stage One of EFT Couple Therapy

The following fictional clinical vignette illustrates how an EFT couple therapist works with a couple during Stage One of couple therapy:

Ted and Rita
After being married for five years, Ted and Rita began EFT couple therapy when Rita discovered that Ted was having a six month affair with his ex-girlfriend.  When Rita confronted Ted with the email that she found on his computer, he reluctantly acknowledged the affair and asked Rita to go to couple therapy.

During their first session, Rita told the EFT couple therapist that she was very hurt and, after she discovered the email, she asked Ted to move out of their apartment for a few weeks to give her time to think things over.  Subsequently, she agreed to attend couple therapy on the condition that Ted contact the other woman in front of Rita to tell her that the affair was over, which he did.

When they began couple therapy, Ted had moved back into the apartment that he shared with Rita, but they were sleeping in separate rooms.  Ted was clear that he wanted to salvage their relationship, but Rita said she wasn't sure.  She didn't know if she could ever trust Ted again, but she was willing to attend couple therapy in order to explore her feelings and determine if she wanted to save the marriage (see my article: Infidelity: Should You Stay or Should You Go? and Coping With Betrayal: Learning to Trust Again).

During Stage One of EFT couple therapy, the couple therapist determined that Rita was normally the one in the relationship who, until recently, was the pursuer.  She was the one who usually wanted to talk to Ted when there were problems in the relationship.  Normally, she would explore problems from every angle in order to try to resolve their differences.

Ted, on the other hand, was usually the more avoidant one.  He was the withdrawer in the relationship.  Rather than explore their everyday problems, he usually withdrew into silence.  He especially disliked when Rita wanted to talk to him about problems when he got home from work.  He preferred to withdraw into his home office for a while before confronting any problems.

Ted's withdrawal often left Rita feeling sad and abandoned, and she often pursued Ted even more when he withdrew.  When Ted refused to talk, Rita would become angry and critical of Ted.  She felt that his withdrawal meant that he didn't care about her.

Their EFT couple therapist discovered that the more Rita pursued Ted, the more he withdrew, and they were caught in a negative dynamic of pursuer-withdrawer that continued to perpetuate their problems.

From Rita's perspective, the worst thing that Ted could do was withdraw from her.  Because of her family history, which included emotional abandonment by both of her parents, Rita often felt emotionally abandoned by Ted when he avoided her.

From Ted's usual perspective, Rita made too big an issue of their everyday problems.  He grew up in a home where his mother was frequently critical of his father, and he hated their confrontations when he was growing up, so he hated feeling criticized by Rita.

Their EFT couple therapist recognized that it was important to determine Rita and Ted's usual dynamic before Rita discovered the affair--especially since Ted was now the one who was more motivated to be in couple therapy than Rita.

When they talked about Ted's affair, he told the couple therapist that he felt criticized and unappreciated by Rita when he began the affair.  He said he ran into his ex one lunch hour, and what began as a friendly lunch escalated into a full blown sexual affair within a short period of time (see my article: The Connection Between Infidelity and the Need to Feel Desirable).

Ted was clear that his affair with his ex wasn't important to him, and he felt deep remorse that it had hurt Rita and affected their marriage.  He said this was the only time that he had an affair in his five years of marriage, and he would do anything if he could go back in time and undo the damage that it had done.

As part of Stage One, the EFT therapist assessed the relationship, determined the negative cycle and attachment issues and helped Rita and Ted to de-escalate their conflict, focus on the negative cycle in their relationship and try to regain trust.

After several sessions, Rita agreed that she wanted to try to save the marriage and she was committed to remaining in couple therapy.  She stopped criticizing Ted, and Ted was able to open up more to her.

Rita was able to tell Ted in their couple therapy that she feared being abandoned by him, and the affair only exacerbated her fears.  For his part, Ted was able to tell Rita that he felt like "a loser" in her eyes and that, prior to the discovery of the affair, he felt Rita no longer cared about him.

By the end of Stage One, Rita and Ted both recognized that they were each committed to the marriage.

Having completed Stage One of EFT couple therapy, Rita and Ted were now ready to enter into Stage 2: Restructuring the Bond of the Relationship.

Conclusion
As illustrated in the fictional clinical vignette above, during Stage One of EFT couple therapy, the following steps, which are part of the initial stage of EFT, were completed:

• 1. Assessment
• 2. Identification of the negative cycle/attachment issues
• 3. Accessing underlying attachment emotions
• 4. Framing the problem as part of the cycle, attachment needs/fear

In the next article, I'll focus on Stage Two of EFT couple therapy, Restructuring the Bond, using the same fictional couple to illustrate how EFT therapy works.

Getting Help in EFT Couple Therapy
EFT couple therapy has been researched and found to be one of the most effective forms of couple therapy.

If you and your spouse or partner are struggling in your relationship, you owe it to your relationship to get help from an experienced couple therapist.

Rather than continuing to perpetuate a negative cycle, which is damaging your relationship, you will learn in EFT couple therapy how to identify and change this negative cycle so you can have a happier relationship (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing and EFT couple therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.