Relationships: What is the Difference Between Codependency and Interdependency?

Based on what I've observed among couples who come to see me in my psychotherapy practice in New York City, many people are confused about the difference betwen codependency and interdependency.

Maintaining a Healthy Relationship

Due to this confusion, many people worry that any type of dependency is unhealtlhy.

So the focus of this article will be to define the difference between codependency.

What is the Difference Between Codependency and Interdependency in Relationships?

Interdependency is an essential part of a healthy relationship and codependency is an unhealthy.

    What is Codependency?

Codependency in a relationship involves one partner who is overly reliant on their partner and the partner, who is being relied upon, needs to be needed.  

As the word suggestions, in a codependent relationship both people are behaving in an unhealthy way. 

Codependency in Relationships

I'm emphasizing that codependency is a two-way street because many couples think that it's only the partner who is being overly reliant who is the one who is codependent. 

But since codependency is between two people, both partners, including the one who needs to be needed, are considered codependent.

For instance, a typical example that causes confusion in relationships is when one of the partners has a substance abuse problem and the other partner is sober. 

The partner who is abusing substances tends to be the one who is seen as the problem and the other partner is labeled as the healthy person.

However, based on the definition of codependency, if the sober partner needs to be needed, they're also behaving in a codependent way.

There might be many underlying reasons for their need to be needed including a need to feel they are in control of the relationship.

It's not unusual for the sober partner's role to become even more obviously codependent if the other person, who once abused substances, becomes sober and no longer wants to overly reliant.  

This changes the dynamic between the couple and the partner who needs to be needed might not like the change because the newly sober partner might want to have more of a role in decision-making than what they had when they were actively abusing substances. 

But the other partner, who is used to being overly relied upon and in control, might not like giving up the role they had before.

    What Are the Signs of Codependency?

The following are some of the common signs of codependency:

• One partner has an excessive need to be taken care of by the other partner in an unhealthy way.

• One partner puts the other partner's needs above their own on a regular basis--sometimes to the detriment of their own well-being.

• The partner who is being relied on often worries needlessly about the other partner and loses focus of their own well-being.

Codependency in Relationships

• The partner who is being relied upon often makes decisions soley on the other partner's needs--even if those decisions have a negative effect on their own needs.

• One partner often feels that their self worth is nothing without their partner and they wouldn't survive without their partner.

• Some codependent relationships are based on trauma bonding (see my article: What is Trauma Bonding in Relationships?).

    What is Interdependency?

When you're in a interdependent relationship, you and your partner are your own individuals.  You each know that you're both separate individuals who are in a relationship together.

Interdependency involves each partner maintaining a balance between self and partner.  Under normal circumstances, neither partner is overly reliant on the other and neither partner needs to be needed or in control in the relationship.

    What Are the Signs of Interdependency?

• Under normal circumstances (meaning that neither of them is incapacitated by health concerns) both partners are able to take care of themselves as individuals while still maintaining a healthy relationship with each other.

• Both partners can be supportive of each other in a healthy way, but their dependence is not damaging to either one of them.

Maintaining a Healthy Relationship

• Both partners have established emotional safety in the relationship for each other.

• Both partners are able to share their vulnerable feelings in a healthy way without being afraid their partner will leave them because they have established emotional safety.

• The relationship is based on individual personal growth as well as growth in the relationship (as opposed to trauma bonding).

• Both partners share in making decisions that affect them individually and as a couple.

What If You and Your Partner Aren't Sure If You Have a Codependent or Interdependent Relationship?

The term "codependent" is often misunderstood and misused.

Some people assume that any kind of dependence, even interdependence, is unhealthy. 

This is often because they might not have seen interdependence modeled for them when they were growing up. In addition, their own healthy need to be nurtured might have been demeaned and criticized by a parent who was uncomfortable showing affection (see my article: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?).

So, they assume that they grow up assuming they're not supposed to have any emotional needs.

In other relationships where one partner tends to be anxiously attached and the other tends to be avoidantly attached, the avoidant partner might label the other partner's basic emotional needs as "codependent" when these needs are healthy (see my article: How Does Your Attachment Style Affect Your Relationship?).

The truth is we are all hardwired from birth to have our emotional needs met by a loving person. 

Although, as adults, we're better equipped to take care of ourselves, we still need love and emotional support from our loved ones.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner haven't been able to work out your problems, you could benefit from attending couples therapy (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for Couples?).

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help you to develop the necessary skills necessary for a healthy relationship.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experienced couples therapist who has the particular expertise to help you overcome your problems.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

With over 20 years of experience, I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.