Compulsive Gambling and "March Madness"

The NCAA Division Basketball Tournament, also known as "March Madness," is just around the corner. 

March Madness is one of the most challenging times for compulsive gamblers. Sports gambling has become a very popular pass time, especially among college students. Online gambling is a big business. 

Compulsive Gambling and March Madness

Online gambling brought in over $5 billion from gamblers, some as young as high school age. High school and college students, who are very savvy about using these online sites, are getting caught up in gambling, and many of them are becoming compulsive gamblers.

You might think that completing a tournament bracket for $5 or $10 is harmless, but for some people, it's the beginning of compulsive gambling. Just like some people can have a couple of drinks and not become an alcoholic, some people can gamble and not become a compulsive gambler. But for many people, it's just the beginning of a downward spiral on a slippery slope.

What Are Some of the Warning Signs of Compulsive Gambling?

• Preoccupation with gambling: thinking about it frequently, talking about it a lot, checking the stats often

• Feeling a "high" or "rush" before placing a bet

• A need to bet increasing amounts of money to get that same "high" or "rush"

• Repeated attempts to stop that are unsuccessful

• A need to continue gambling when you're winning

• A need to return to gambling to chase losses

• Feeling irritable and uncomfortable when you try to stop

• Jeopardizing family relationships or your job due to gambling activities

• Borrowing money from family and friends due to gambling activities

• Using gambling activities as a maladaptive coping strategy to deal with stress or uncomfortable feelings or situations

If you have one or more of the above warning signs and symptoms, you have a compulsive gambling problem and you need help. Just like any other addictive or compulsive behavior, compulsive gambling is a progressive disorder that usually gets worse over time.

For more information about compulsive gambling, go to: http://www.gamblinghelp.org

About Me
I am a licensed psychotherapist in New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, EFT (for couples), AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist. 

I have helped many clients to overcome their addictive and compulsive behavior so they can lead fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Compartmentalization Can Be Used As a Healthy Short Term Coping Strategy in Therapy

Compartmentalization is a defense mechanism that is usually discussed in negative terms.  Used as a unhealthy coping strategy, compartmentalization is usually used to avoid feeling the discomfort of conflicting thoughts or behaviors that are contrary to one's values or beliefs (see my article: Living Authentically Aligned With Your Values).

How Compartmentalization Can Be Used as a Healthy Short Term Coping Strategy in Therapy

There are many examples of how compartmentalization can be used to avoid feeling uncomfortable.

So, for instance, an otherwise ethical person might use compartmentalization to deal with conflicting feelings about cheating on her taxes.

Another person, who is usually loyal, might compartmentalize his guilty feelings about an extramarital affair.

But a healthy form of compartmentalization can also be used as a short term coping strategy to help you get through a difficult time.  The emphasis is on short term because as a long term coping strategy compartmentalization usually backfires, which I will discuss in the first fictional vignette in this article.

To a certain extent, most of us compartmentalize as a temporary coping strategy whether we realize it or not.  Just like many defense mechanisms, compartmentalization on a short term basis, can help you get through certain experiences in life temporarily so you don't feel emotionally overwhelmed.

Most of us have had the experience of having to put certain disturbing issues on the back burner temporarily to focus on what's pressing at the moment.

The alternative to putting certain issues on the back burner would be to try to cope with all your problems at once, the most pressing and the least pressing, all at once.

Not only would this be psychologically exhausting, but it doesn't work.  Trying to focus on everything at once means that you're not really focusing on anything with any degree of attention or clarity.

Fictional Vignettes
Let's look at two fictional vignettes.  The first one is an example of an emotionally unhealthy way of using compartmentalization and the second one is an example of a healthy way of using compartmentalization as a short term coping strategy.


Vignette 1:  Compartmentalization As An Unhealthy Coping Strategy
Bob was happily married, successful in his career and he had many friends.

Most people who knew Bob, including his wife, children, other family members, friends and colleagues, thought of Bob as being a loving, smart, friendly, responsible and practical person.

Their view of Bob was based on the wholesome way he lived in most areas of his life--except for one that they didn't know about:  His secret compulsion to gamble.

Not only did Bob keep his compulsive gambling a secret from those who were close to him, but he kept his own emotions of guilt and shame compartmentalized within himself to avoid feeling uncomfortable that he was engaging in behavior that went against his values and his beliefs.

Compartmentalization as an Unhealthy Coping Strategy

His compulsive gambling was a split off part of himself, like a modern day "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hide."

This compartmentalization was not like having a split personality where the different aspects of a personality aren't known to the core personality.

The compartmentalization was more like a form of dissociation:  When he was gambling, he was fully immersed in that activity and he didn't allow himself to think of the negative consequences for himself and his family.  And when he was with his family, he didn't allow himself to think about the compulsive gambling.

This strategy helped him to avoid feeling the emotional conflict of behaving in a way that was shameful to him.

But after a particularly bad losing streak where Bob lost most of the family's savings and he was unable to meet his next mortgage payment, his worlds collided in a devastating way.

He felt the full negative impact of the guilt and shame that he was trying to avoid when he was faced with talking to his wife and children about his devastating loss.

Aside from dealing with his family's shock, anger and disappointment, Bob felt so emotionally overwhelmed that he considered suicide.  But when his wife's anger and sense of betrayal cooled off to the point where she could speak with him, she gave him an ultimatum:  Either get help or she would divorce him and take the children.

Shortly after that, Bob came to individual therapy to start picking up the broken pieces of his life and he and his family also participated in family therapy.


Vignette 2:  Compartmentalization as a Healthy Short Term Coping Strategy
Alice was going through an emotionally challenging time in her life.

She was trying to cope with the care of her elderly mother, who was partially disabled as a result of a recent stroke; her husband's recent job loss, and helping her son through the college application process at the same time that she was starting up a new business.

Compartmentalization as a Healthy Short Term Coping Strategy

Several months ago, when she began taking steps to start her own business to provide coaching to people who wanted to improve their public speaking skills, her life had been going fairly smoothly.

But within weeks, her husband was laid off from work, her mother had a disabling stroke and her son needed a lot of her attention choosing a college.

Initially, Alice felt so overwhelmed and emotionally paralyzed that she considered abandoning the development of her new business and going back to her old job just to have stability in one area of her life.

At the same time that Alice considered going back to her old job, she felt the full weight of how disappointing it would be for her to give up a long held dream that she was on the verge of accomplishing.

She talked to her husband and sons as well as close friends to get help with her decision.  But she got conflicting messages.  Her husband and sons encouraged her to persevere with her goals, but her close friends told her to play it safe and go back to her former job.

Not sure which way to go, Alice started therapy to get help.

After learning basic coping strategies, including breathing exercises, meditation and other self care strategies, Alice felt that she had a lot more clarity about her situation and she was able to mobilize herself.

She looked into her mother's insurance and discovered that they would pay for several hours of a home attendant's services. After talking to her siblings, they agreed to pitch in to help with the mother's needs.

Alice and her husband talked about their financial situation, which was good.  Her husband also felt confident that he would get another job with a former boss or, if not, he would use his extensive network of colleagues to find another job.

He encouraged her to go for her dream and not delay any further.  He also told her that he thought she could go back at any time to her former employer, who would love to have her back, if her business didn't work out.  In addition, he agreed to take a more active role in helping their son with the college application process.

As a result, Alice began the process of developing her new coaching business.  She designed a website and she began making contacts to market her business.

But every so often, even with her newly developed coping strategies, Alice felt overwhelmed, especially about not being more active in terms of her mother's care.

She talked about her feelings in her therapy, and her therapist helped Alice to see that her feelings that she "should" be doing more to help her mother were part of older issues in her family where family members were overly dependent upon her, even when she was a young child (see my article:  Working Through Emotional Trauma: Learning to Separate "Then" From "Now" in Therapy).

Alice and her therapist both agreed that, since she already had so much going on now, the current time wasn't right for her to work on her earlier unresolved trauma.  They agreed that they would put this issue on the back burner for now and her therapist would help her to temporarily compartmentalize her feelings so that she wouldn't be overwhelmed by them.

Whenever Alice began to feel guilty and ashamed about not doing more for her mother, she reminded herself that these feelings were based on her past (then) and had nothing to do with the present (now).

Whenever she did this, and sometimes she did it several times a day, Alice was able to put aside her worries and focus on developing her new business.

Alice used this short term coping strategy of compartmentalization until her life calmed down:  Her husband got a new job, her mother made progress in out patient rehabilitation to be more independent, and her son completed the application process.

After her life calmed down and after she began to get referrals for her business, Alice's therapist told her that she thought Alice was ready to deal with the early unresolved emotional trauma.

At that point, Alice asked her therapist why she needed to deal with it at all.  She felt she could continue to remind herself whenever she felt guilty or ashamed that this was related to her history and not to her life now.

But her therapist reminded Alice that using compartmentalization in this way was only a temporary strategy so she wouldn't become emotionally paralyzed.  It wasn't going to resolve her problem.  Sooner or later, there would be another life event that would trigger these feelings and it would be best to work on resolving the old trauma.

Her therapist talked about how soldiers who are in battle learn to compartmentalize their emotions so that they can be effective at the time.

But if these soldiers continued to compartmentalize their emotions once they got back from battle, they could develop serious emotional problems, including posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD).  This is why they need to get help in therapy to deal with the trauma of war--so that it doesn't have a lasting negative impact on their lives, including getting emotionally triggered, anxious and depressed.

Similarly, Alice needed to work through the unresolved childhood trauma so that she wouldn't continue to get triggered in her life.

By that point, Alice trusted her therapist and they began to use effective trauma treatment modalities, including EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and Somatic Experiencing to help Alice to overcome the unresolved trauma (see my articles:  Somatic Experiencing: Tuning Into the Mind-Body Connection and Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

By the time she completed, Alice worked through her unresolved trauma and she was no longer triggered by difficult life events (see my article: Psychotherapy to Overcome Unresolved Childhood Trauma).

Compartmentalization as Healthy Short Term Coping Strategy

She was glad that she was able to put aside the emotions that were paralyzing her so that she could eventually work through her childhood trauma when she was ready.

Conclusion
Compartmentalization, like most defense mechanisms, is a form of denial.

If it is used as a long-term strategy to avoid uncomfortable emotions associated with thoughts and behavior that contradict important beliefs and values, it will eventually backfire, as it did for Bob in the first fictional vignette.

When compartmentalization is used as a short term coping strategy with the understanding that the dissonant emotions are temporarily being placed on the back burner until there's a better time to delve into them, it can be an effective strategy under the guidance of an experienced mental health professional who can provide support and teach other coping strategies.

Depending upon a client's emotional state and what's going on at the time, an experienced psychotherapist can assess when it's the right time to work on resolving the problem so that a client doesn't get stuck avoiding it (see my article: Changing Maladaptive Strategies That No Longer Work For You: Avoidance).

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're feeling overwhelmed and you're having difficulty coping with your emotions, you could benefit from working with a licensed psychotherapist who help you in therapy to develop the necessary coping strategies and, eventually, when you're ready, to work through the problem (see my article:  How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Rather than using denial as a permanent strategy to deal with uncomfortable emotions, get psychological help so you can eventually work through your problems.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients in my private psychotherapy practice to work through their problems to lead a more fulfilling life.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Coping with the Sudden Realization That You Don't Really Know Your Spouse

In an earlier article, Movies: "45 Years:" An Old Secret Haunts a Loving Long Term Marriage, I discussed how events from the distant past upend a long-term marriage causing the wife to feel suddenly that she really didn't know her husband or understand their marriage.  Until then, they had been, seemingly, going along happily.

Betrayal

As I mentioned in my prior article one of the things that makes this movie so powerful is that this is the sort of thing that happens in many relationships.  If it's happening to you, you can feel that you're the only couple going through it because, similar to the couple in "45 Years," couples often don't talk about these issues aside of their relationship or their couples therapy.

If you're experiencing a betrayal in your relationship, aside from the shock, you can feel very alone in your experience.

The betrayal can make you ask yourself: Who is this person that I'm married to?  You can also question your marriage.

This can be extremely disturbing and leave you reeling, especially in a long-term relationship where, prior to the betrayal, you  thought you understood your spouse well and you felt confident in your marriage.

In prior articles, I've written about infidelity (see my articles: Your Relationship: Your Spouse Cheated on You--Should You Stay or Should You Go?  and Coping with Infidelity in Your Relationship).

But infidelity is not the only form of betrayal that couples often go through.

The following vignette, which is a fictionalized example of many different cases with all identifying information changed, I discuss another form of betrayal in a long-term relationship:

Donna and Jim:
Donna and Jim came to couples counseling because they were struggling to overcome Donna's sudden realization that Jim had gambled away their life savings (see my article: Compulsive Gambling: Beware of March Madness).

They were married for 15 years, until Jim's secret gambling problem emerged, Donna felt content and secure in their relationship.

Jim worked as a stockbroker and Donna worked as an executive assistant.

Until recent events unfolded, Donna was unaware of any serious problems in their relationship.

Jim took care of their finances, so Donna was unaware that there was any problem--until she came across a bank statement that Jim had accidentally left out and she saw that their savings was a fraction of what she had always known it to be.

Alarmed, Donna approached Jim with the statement to show him what she thought was a bank error.  But when he hung his head down and averted her gaze, she felt queasy and knew something was terribly wrong.

Over the next hour, Jim broke down in tears and confessed to Donna that he had been secretly gambling in the last several years and he had depleted their savings.  He apologized to her over and over again, but Donna was in a state of shock trying to come to terms with what she was hearing.

Donna described how she suddenly felt like the floor under her feet had dropped away and she was falling into an abyss.  She was so upset that she could barely understand what Jim was telling her.  She felt like she was in a bad dream and any moment she was going to wake up and feel relieved.

But, as the hours passed, she realized that this was no dream and her shocked turned to rage.  She told Jim to stay at his parents' home for the time being so she could wrap her mind around what was happening.

During the days that Jim was away, Donna felt lonelier that she had ever felt.  She couldn't bear to tell her family or close friends what had just happened.  At that point, she couldn't even bear to tell her daughters.

All the while, Donna felt like she was going through the motions in her life. It was as if everything looked the same, but nothing felt the same.  She felt like her every day life had been replaced by replicas of people and things that she ordinarily knew.  Nothing seemed real.

All of this time, she could never have imagined that Jim had a gambling problem or that he was gambling away their savings.  The thoughts that kept going around in her mind were:

Who is this man that I thought I knew for all of these years?
Does he really love me?
How could he do this?
What is our marriage about if he could be so dishonest and ruin us in this way?
How can I ever trust him again?

Initially, Donna considered divorce and told Jim that she didn't think they could ever overcome this betrayal.  But Jim begged Donna for forgiveness and pleaded with her to reconsider and not give up on their marriage.

After several weeks of trying to talk it out between them to no avail, Jim sought out couples counseling as a last resort, and Donna agreed reluctantly to give it a try.

After a couple of sessions, Donna agreed to stick it out in couples counseling to see if they could work out their problems.  She was still deeply hurt and upset but, after the initial shock wore off, she realized that she still loved Jim and she didn't want to give up their marriage.  She also realized that he had a serious problem and he needed help.  She was still very angry, but less so than she had initially been.

Betrayal

Clearly, finding out about Jim's gambling problem was traumatic for Donna, especially since she grew up in a household where her father was a gambler with devastating consequences for her family.  She had always vowed to herself that she would never marry a gambler and to find out about Jim's secret reopened old emotional wounds related to her father's gambling.

Jim agreed to attend his own individual therapy with a therapist who specialized in addiction.  He also began to attend Gambler's Anonymous regularly and obtained a sponsor.

On a practical level, Jim had to borrow money from his family, which meant that he had to reveal his gambling problem to them.  Donna took over the finances because, at that point, she didn't trust Jim with their money.

Betrayal

On an emotional level, they had a steep road to climb to repair their relationship.  Jim acknowledged that he had been deceitful and seemed genuinely remorseful.  Over time, Donna realized, in hindsight, that there had been signs of Jim's secrecy that she chose to ignore.  Eventually, she attended Gam-Anon, which are self help meetings for spouses or family members of gamblers.

Over the next two years, with much difficulty, Donna and Jim reconciled their relationship.

Jim discovered in his own individual therapy that, on an unconscious level, he wanted to be found out.  Although it appeared that he had accidentally left the statement out, he realized that he felt so guilty and worried about his secret that he wanted Donna to know, but he didn't know how to tell her.

Jim also discovered what triggered his craving to gamble, and he learned to develop better coping skills.  He also changed careers because his job as a stockbroker was not conducive to overcoming his gambling problem.

After they completed couples counseling, Donna entered into her own individual therapy to deal with the aftermath of Jim's betrayal as well as her own unresolved issues regarding her father.

As time went on and Jim abstained from gambling, the family became closer again.

Having gone through this traumatic event in their lives, Donna and Jim seemed to grow as a couple and as individuals.

Conclusion:
There can be many forms of betrayal in a relationship.

The fictionalized scenario presented in this article illustrates many of the stages that a couple can go through when a betrayal comes to light.

In the scenario presented above, the couple got help in couples counseling and decided to remain together.  Of course, this is not always the case.  But after the initial shock of a betrayal, many couples decide to try to reconcile their relationship in couples counseling.

Often, couples who come to couples counseling learn new things about themselves as individuals and as a couple.  They often learn that they are more resilient than they thought they were.

A couples counselor won't tell you whether or not to stay together (see my article: Your Relationship: Should You Stay or Should You Go?).  However, she will facilitate the process so that each person in the relationship can decide if he or she wants to try to salvage the relationship.

If a couple decides that they can't salvage their relationship, they can benefit from going to couples counseling to try to end the relationship as amicable as possible, especially if there are children involved.

Getting Help in Therapy
When you feel betrayed in your relationship, you can feel confused and bewildered about what to do.  It's often not the best time to make any lasting decisions.

You might not feel comfortable talking to family or friends because you might know that could make any decision that you're trying to make that much more difficult.  Family and friends usually want the best for you and they might try to sway your decision one way or the other before you're ready to make a decision.

Many people seek help in individual therapy first to be able to sort out their feelings about the betrayal and how they feel about the relationship.  Over time, like Donna in the fictionalized scenario in this article, people often discover that the betrayal opens up old wounds from their childhood.

Other people enter into couples counseling and then one or both people might attend their own individual counseling.

If you're struggling with a betrayal in your relationship, you're not alone.

Rather than trying to deal with it on your own, you could benefit from seeking help in therapy to help you to work through the issues involved (see my articles: The Benefits of Therapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist who works with individuals and couples.

I have helped many clients struggling with a betrayal in their relationship to overcome the emotional trauma and make important decisions about their lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Adults Who Were Traumatized As Children Are Often Afraid to Experience Their Feelings - Part 2

In my prior blog article,  Adults Who Are Traumatized As Children Are Often Afraid to Feel All Their Feelings  - Part 1, I began a discussion about how difficult it can be for traumatized adults to allow themselves to feel all their feelings.  Today, I would like to continue this discussion and focus on some of the consequences for adults when they continue to suppress uncomfortable feelings.

Traumatized and Afraid of Emotions

Suppressing Uncomfortable Feelings Can Have Many Negative Consequences
As I mentioned in my prior article, traumatized children often have no choice but to suppress their feelings.  It's often an adaptive thing to do because allowing themselves to feel uncomfortable feelings related to the trauma would be too overwhelming for them in most cases.

But when these same people become adults, if they continue to suppress uncomfortable feelings, it isn't useful any more.  As adults, suppressing uncomfortable feelings can cause all kinds of other emotional, physical and interpersonal problems.

Suppressing Uncomfortable Feelings Can Lead to the Following Emotional, Medical, Marital, Family, Career and Interpersonal Problems:

Depression and Anxiety 
When you suppress uncomfortable feelings, it can lead to depressive and anxiety-related disorders.  Why does this happen?  Well, when you suppress your feelings, these feelings don't just go away.  They often intensify.  The more you try to push them down, the more intense they become.  It becomes a vicious cycle that for many people can lead to serious episodes of depression and anxiety.

Medical Problems
Medical problems like migraines, high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, IBS (irritable bowel syndrome), insomnia, muscle aches, joint stiffness, and a compromised immune system are among the many physical problems that can result from suppressing feelings. 

Marital and Family Problems

Think of the employee at work who feels he must do everything possible to suppress his anger at his boss while he is at work.  Then, he comes home and he often loses his temper with his wife and children.  It's often not intentional--he just can't contain his feelings any more.  There can be misunderstandings between him and his wife or between him and his children because he's so distracted by his pent up feelings.

Career Problems

There can be so many ways that suppressed feelings can cause problems in a career.  It can cause poor communication with your boss or colleagues.  You also might not be picking up on social cues because all of your energy and focus is going into keeping your feelings down.  This can have disastrous consequences for your career.

Substance Abuse, Sex Addiction, Gambling and Other Impulsive and Addictive Behavior
Many people, who try to suppress feelings, turn to alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex and other forms of addictive behavior in an effort not to feel their feelings.  Aside from the physical problems that addictive behavior can create, addiction ruins lives for those who are addicted as well as their loved ones.  Without help, it usually leads to a downward spiral 

Problems with Feeling Inauthentic to Yourself and to Others
Suppressing feelings can also make you feel disconnected from the core of who you are as a person.  It can make you feel inauthentic to yourself as well as to others, especially if you're trying to "put on a happy face" to hide your true feelings.  This often doesn't work because others can sense that there's something amiss.

Developing the Capacity to Feel and Accept Your Feelings: Clinical Hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing
When you've spent a lifetime suppressing feelings that you're uncomfortable with, you need to learn how to develop the capacity to feel and accept your feelings.  I will address this in more detail in future blog posts but, for now, I'll close by saying that, I've found the combination of clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing to be one of the most gentle and effective ways to develop this capacity.  

Clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing allow the therapist and client to work with manageable segments of the problem in a way that's usually tolerable for the client.  In my experience, these two treatment modalities, which emphasize the body-mind connection, help the clients to deal with traumatic experiences and work through these issues so that clients learn to feel and accept all their feelings.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you have unresolved trauma, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in trauma work.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.  

I have helped many clients to work through their trauma so they can lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Grief Gambling

News stories about former San Diego mayor, Maureen O'Connor, have brought to light the importance of getting help for grief gambling.  According to news reports, Ms. O'Connor gambled more than a billion dollars of her own money as well as money she embezzled from her foundation due to a combination of grief gambling, which is a syndrome that is more common than most people realize, and a medical condition that she was contending with at the time.  According to news reports, Ms. O'Connor started grief gambling after her husband and other people close to her died.

Overcoming Grief Gambling

What is Grief Gambling?
Grief gambling is a compulsive and addictive form of gambling.  It usually occurs among people, especially the elderly, who have had a lot of losses and who haven't learned healthy ways of dealing with their grief.

Rather than dealing with their feelings about their losses, people who engage in grief gambling use it as an escape to avoid emotions that are uncomfortable for them.  Generally speaking, they don't go through the usual mourning process because they avoid feelings that are uncomfortable for them.  Grief gambling can occur at any age, but it often occurs among the elderly because they've sustained the losses of so many people in their lives.

Overcoming Grief Gambling

Unlike excessive drinking or drug abuse, where there are usually signs of impairment, grief gambling is easier to hide.  People who engage in grief gambling can sit in front of their computers and gamble away thousands of dollars or, as in the case of Ms. O'Connor, more than a billion dollars, in less time than most people would imagine.  They can maintain their secret life of gambling for a while--until, inevitably, they must face the consequences of their losses because these games are always stacked in favor of "the house" and the odds are against the person gambling.

Compassion Instead of Criticism For People Who Have Problems With Addictive Behavior
While it's true that people who engage in irresponsible or illegal activities must face the consequences of their behavior, I believe that, rather than judging people who are caught in the grip of addictive behavior, we need to have compassion for them.  While it might be hard to understand how someone could get him or herself into a predicament where s/he gamble away a child's college fund or the family's life savings, it's important to not to be judgmental.

What Are the Consequences of Grief Gambling?

People who engage in grief gambling to escape feeling their grief have been known to file for bankruptcy.  Marriages are ruined, and jobs are lost due to this form of gambling.  Most people who engage in grief gambling don't engage in sociopathic activities to continue gambling.  But there have been other cases where individuals, caught in the grip of this addictive behavior, have engaged in "white collar" crime and other illegal activities to feed their gambling habit.

Grief Gambling and Denial

You might ask how a sane person could allow themselves to get caught up in such addictive behavior.  This is a complex subject, but one important factor is the psychological defense mechanism of denial.  Most people who are caught up in grief gambling know that it's only a matter of time before they have to face the consequences of their behavior, but denial keeps them from fully coming to grips with this.  Whether they tell themselves, "I'll just do it one more time, and then I'll stop" or "I'll stop after the next big win," denial keeps them going. 

The Psychological "Rewards" of Grief Gambling

The online games are designed to be compelling with psychologically-rewarding intermittent rewards for online gamblers.  Playing these games also stimulates the dopamine receptors in the brain, which also helps to make it addictive.  For grief gamblers who go to the casinos, the casinos reward "high rollers" with free hotel rooms, expensive meals, and just about whatever they want to keep them gambling.  They're made to feel very special.

Getting Help:  Psychotherapy to Deal with Grief
As I've mentioned in other blog posts, we're hard wired for attachment, not loss.  Needless to say, losing someone you love or, worse still, multiple losses of loved ones, is very difficult.  It's understandable that no one would want to go through the mourning process if he or she had a choice. But, unfortunately, loss is part of life, whether we like it or not or whether we feel we're ready to deal with it or not.

Aside from being at risk for addictive behavior, unresolved bereavement  can put you at risk for other psychological problems, like depression or an anxiety disorder.  Unresolved bereavement can also compromise your immune system, putting you at risk for medical problems.

When you work with a skilled psychotherapist, who has experience helping clients through their grief, you learn to mourn the loss of your loved one so that you can begin the healing process and you no longer feel overwhelmed by your grief.   You'll learn to develop healthy coping skills, rather than turning to grief gambling or other unhealthy activities.

Mourning is a process, and the process is different for each person.   In a society that tends not to discourage dealing with uncomfortable feelings, well-meaning people will often tell you to "just get over it."  But no one can tell you how long it should take you to mourn your loss.  With the help of a skilled therapist with whom you feel a rapport, you can get through this difficult time with the emotional support and new coping skills you'll learn in therapy.

Getting Help:  Gamblers Anonymous http://gamblersanonymous.org
For people with gambling problems, I often recommend that they attend the 12 Step program, Gamblers Anonymous.  At Gamblers Anonymous, people usually find supportive group members, many of them who have been successful at abstaining from gambling for many years.  Other group members are at various stages in their recovery.  The link to the G.A. website provides a list of meetings all over the U.S.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.  I have helped many clients to heal from bereavement issues.  I also have an expertise in working with addictions.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Toxic Family Secrets

Did you grow up in a home where there were toxic family secrets?

Toxic Family Secrets

Here are a few examples of typical secrets in a dysfunctional family:

Susan's family's toxic secret
It's morning and dad is passed out in bed again from his prior night of binge drinking. Susan, who is nine, overhears her mother calling dad's boss to say that dad is sick and won't be going to work. Even though the mom knows that Susan has seen dad drunk many times, she tells Susan that dad has "the flu" and tells her not to talk to anyone about what she saw the night before. In doing this, she gives Susan a mixed message about what they both know to be true. Susan grows up resenting her mother and father and feeling that she can't trust men and she never wants to get married.

George's family's toxic family secret
George is 15 years old. His father just died. At his father's funeral, to his shock and amazement, he overhears people whispering that the man that he knew and loved was not really his biological father. When he confronts his mother about this a few weeks later, she turns away from him, refusing to talk about it, and only says, "Your real father was no good." George feels overwhelmed, angry and betrayed. He has so many questions, but no one to talk to about it. He doesn't want to upset his mother, so he never brings it up again, but he grows up feeling lost and confused and he has difficulty trusting in his intimate relationships.

Mary grows up feeling ashamed of toxic family secret
Mary is 10 years old. Every night her mother's boyfriend comes into her room and touches her in ways that make her feel uncomfortable. When Mary finally summons up enough courage to tell her mother, her mother gets angry with her and accuses Mary of making up lies. She tells Mary that if she ever mentions this to anyone else, she'll send her away. But later that night, Mary hears her mother and the boyfriend arguing about his going into Mary's room. The next day Mary's mother and the boyfriend act as if nothing has changed and go on with their daily routine. The nightly visits stop, and the subject is never brought up again, leaving Mary deeply confused: Did her mother believe her or not? She grows up feeling ashamed-- she must have done something wrong to cause the mother's boyfriend to behave in this way and for her mother to get angry with her. She also learns not to trust her own feelings. Whenever her romantic relationships start to become serious, she shuts down emotionally and her boyfriends leave her.

John's family's toxic secret about father's gambling
John is 13. He knows that his father earns a good living and should be able to support the family. And yet, there is constant tension and anxiety in the house because his parents are continually struggling to pay the bills. They're unable to give him money for class trips or his football uniform. One day he sees his father going over a horse racing form which he quickly puts away when John walks into the room. Later on, John asks his mother if dad has a gambling problem, and she changes the subject, telling him to go clean his room. John feels hurt and confused. He grows up with anxiety about money and wonders if he'll be able to take care of himself when he grows up.

The Consequences of Toxic Family Secrets:
From these few examples, you begin to see how damaging family secrets can be. Maybe you've identified with one or two of them or they might have brought to mind secrets that your family kept and might still be keeping.

These kinds of family secrets are emotionally toxic. The consequences far exceed what the parents ever could have imagined: hurt, mistrust, shame, guilt, self doubt, anger, resentment, and sometimes an inability to enter into or maintain intimate relationships. Sometimes, people who grew up with toxic family secrets don't realize how they've been affected by them. They might perpetuate these dynamics when they get married with their own children because this way of relating is familiar to them. Toxic family secrets have been known to be a contributing factor to alcohol and drug abuse, sexual addiction, compulsive gambling, eating disorders, anxiety disorders, depression, codependence, and other problems.

What to Do?
Ask yourself if you grew up with toxic family secrets and, if so, ask yourself how it is affecting you and your current relationships. 

If you sense that family secrets are adversely affecting you now--maybe they're getting in the way of your having or maintaining relationships or you feel you can't trust your own feelings because you don't always know what they are (from years of doubting what you know versus what you were told by your family), it's time to see a mental health professional so that you can learn to overcome the consequences of family secrets and have a fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome the effects of toxic family secrets.

To find out more about me, visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Also, see my article:  Overcoming Shame