Sexual Wellness: How to Access Your Sexual Energy

Your sexual energy is your life force.  After all, you were conceived as a result of sexual energy. So, knowing how to access this energy can give you a sense of aliveness, regardless of whether or not you have a partner (see my articles: Sexual Pleasure and Developing the Erotic Self - Part 1, Part 2 and Women's Sexuality: Tips For Sexual Discovery).

Sexual Wellness: How to Access Your Sexual Energy

Suggestions For Accessing Your Sexual Energy

Here are several ways to access your sexual energy--even if you've been out of touch with it for a while:

• Connect to Your 5 Senses: Your five senses include what you see, hear, smell, feel (touch) and taste.  By engaging your senses in pleasurable ways, you can come alive sensuously and sexually.  This can include tasting delicious food, smelling your favorite scent, listening to your favorite music, and so on.

• Move: Exercise and dance can be pleasurable ways to access your sexual energy. These activities can connect you to your deepest energy.  When you feel the beat of the music, it can connect you to your heartbeat.  As you move,  you can feel the rhythm of the music, which makes you come alive to your senses, including your erotic sense.  To access sexual energy through exercise, you can try: glut bridges, plank, Kegels, pigeon pose and so on (always consult with your medical doctor before you begin an exercise program).

• Make Sounds: Humming, singing, chanting and making other sounds that vibrate in your body is another good way to connect with your sexual energy.  

• Try Self Pleasure: Touch yourself in ways that feel pleasurable to you.  If you're uncomfortable with masturbating, you can enliven your sensuous self by doing simple things like taking a bubble bath or massaging yourself with your favorite lotion or oil after you shower.  You can also use sex toys (if you feel comfortable) to connect with your sexual energy.  You might need to experiment with the type of toys that feel right to you.

• Get a Sensual Massage: Touch is so important, and a relaxing massage can help to reconnect you to your body, especially your erogenous zones like the nape of your neck, your scalp, behind your knees, your earlobes, your buttocks and genitals, and your feet--to name the most common erogenous zones.  You might also discover additional erogenous zones that enlive you.  Whether you massage yourself with massage oil or a partner gives you a sensual massage, this kind of touch is healing and can also help you to access your sexual energy.  

Overcoming Psychological Issues That Inhibit Your Sexual Energy

Sometimes unresolved trauma can inhibit or block your sexual energy.  Whether this was the result of sexual abuse, anxiety or familial or cultural taboos, a trauma therapist who uses Experiential Therapy can help you to overcome the problems that are keeping you blocked (see my article: Why Experiential Psychotherapy is More Effective Than Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma).

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been feeling disconnected from yourself emotionally or physically, you can get help from a licensed mental health professional who uses the mind-body connection in therapy (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help.  

Resolving the problems that keep you blocked can free you from your history and reconnect you to your vitality.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Sexual Wellness: The 2021 Self-Pleasure Survey

I was listening to a recent episode on the Sex and Psychology podcast called The Magic of Masturbation hosted by Dr. Justin J. Lehmiller, who is a psychologist and a sex researcher for the Kinsey Institute (see my articles: Sexual Pleasure and the Erotic Self - Part 1 and Part 2).

Sexual Wellness: The 2021 Survey

The guest was Marie Aoyama from the Japanese sexual health and wellness brand, TENGA.  They were discussing the findings of the TENGA 2021 Self-Pleasure Report (in this article, I'm using the terms "self pleasure" and "masturbation" interchangeably).

The organization surveyed 1,000 American adults, ages 18-54, and the findings offered some interesting insights into their attitudes and practices about masturbation as well as the changes that resulted during the COVID-19 pandemic.

The 2021 TENGA Self-Pleasure Survey Results

The survey revealed that 50% of adults ages 18-54 years old included self pleasure as part of their self care routine.

In addition, the respondents reported the following sexual wellness benefits:

• Improved mood:  73%
• Reduction in stress: 73%
• Improved sleep: 74% 
• Improved body image: 51%
• Improved self confidence: 57%
• Improved sense of sex appeal: 59%

Forty-two per cent of the respondents also revealed that during the COVID-19 pandemic, they coped with stress, anxiety, uncertainty and boredom by masturbating more often than prior to the pandemic.

Of the total 42%, the breakdown for men and women was as follows:

• Men: 49%
• Women: 32%

General Findings of the Survey:

• People who masturbated over the last year: 86%

• People who felt comfortable talking about masturbation with their partners/spouses or close friends: 60%

The discrepancy between the 86% and the 60% indicates that people still feel there's a stigma involved with masturbation, and they don't feel comfortable enough to talk to their own partners/spouses about it (see my articles: Are You Too Ashamed to Share Your Sexual Fantasies With Your Partner? and How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

This reticence to talk about self pleasuring exists despite the fact that most people masturbate and despite the health benefits cited above--improved mood, reduced stress and so on.

In addition to the benefits cited above, masturbation helps you to explore what you like and what you don't like sexually, which can improve your sex life with a partner (see my article: Women's Sexuality: Tips on Sexual Self Discovery).

Conclusion

Self pleasuring, also known as masturbation, is a healthy, normal and safe way to practice self care as part of a sexual wellness routine.

Masturbation has many benefits for your body and mind, as described above.

Getting Help in Therapy

Many people grew up in a family where masturbation was considered taboo.  

If you're struggling with guilt and shame about masturbation or about your body, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional.

When you free yourself from guilt and shame, you can lead a healthier, more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Women's Sexuality: Tips on Sexual Self Discovery

In my prior articles, The Orgasm Gap Between Woman and Men - Parts 1 and 2,  I discussed the sexual satisfaction gap between men and heterosexual woman.  One of my recommendations in Part 2 was that, in order for women to experience more sexual satisfaction, they can explore their own body and discover sexual pleasure for themselves.

Women's Sexual Self Discovery

Women Overcoming Guilt and Shame About Their Sexual Pleasure

For many women this is easier said than done because shame and guilt about their body and their sexuality gets in the way.  Part of this can be culturally induced because women still get mixed messages about enjoying sexual pleasure.  In some cases, the shame and guilt can be related to unresolved sexual trauma (see below: Getting Help in Therapy).

On the one hand, heterosexual women are told they should be sexually alluring to men.  But, on the other hand, they're still stigmatized for being sexual or experiencing sexual pleasure, especially if it's for themselves and not for men.

There is so much misinformation that it's no wonder many women feel confused, ashamed of their bodies, and they feel they have no right to their own sexual pleasure. 

There's still double standard that it's okay for men to be sexual but not for women.  And many  women are still told, if not explicitly then implicitly, they should wait until they're married to be sexual (you might think this is a thing from the past, but I still hear many women tell me in their therapy sessions that they grew up with these cultural or religious taboos).

The expectation in these families is that women will just know somehow how to be sexual with their partner or spouse "when the time comes."  But the reality is that this stigma against women's sexuality in these instances often carries over into marriage because these women haven't discovered their own sexuality beforehand.  

Women's Sexuality: Tips on Sexual Self Discovery:

• Make a Decision as to Whether You're Ready to Get to Know Yourself Sexually: As a woman, whether or not you want to discover your sexuality is up to you and only you.  While it might feel daunting at first because of cultural or religious taboos, if you're ready to get to know yourself sexually, it can be an adventure in self discovery.  Try to be as open and curious as you can.

• Create a Time and Space For Privacy and Relaxation: Once you have decided to get to know yourself better sexually, look for a time and place when you'll have privacy and you won't be interrupted.  Some women like to set the mood by creating a private and relaxing environment for themselves in the bath and engage their senses: candles, incense, a favorite bubble bath, relaxing music and whatever else helps to create the right mood.

• Take a Look at Your Body: Many women have so much shame about their body that they can hardly stand to look at themselves in the mirror--even when they are fully clothed.  It's understandable why they feel this way because social media, movies, TV programs and magazines give women messages that they should look a certain way--usually thin or curvy or some other particular way.  

• Accept Your Body As It Is Now: This might be one of the hardest steps to take because there are so many negative messages  for women about body image.  Even if you want to change your body for health-related reasons, one of the best ways to change is to start by accepting yourself as you are now.  Acceptance doesn't mean you're not going to try to change if that's what you want.  It just means that you acknowledge that you are where you are right now and you love yourself regardless of how you look.

• Take a Hand Mirror and Look at Your Vulva:  The vulva is a woman's external genital area. It's normal for vulvas to come in all different shapes and sizes.  The vulva contains the vestibule (vaginal opening), the labia majora, the labia minora, and the clitoris.  By being curious and looking at yourself, you can discover your own unique beauty.  Holding onto the hand mirror, look at the:

• labia majora: outer lips

• labia minora: the smaller, inner lips

• vulval vestibule (vaginal opening): is the part of the vulva between the labia minora into which the urinary meatus (urethra opening) and the vaginal opening open.

• clitoris: the tip of the clitoris is slightly above the urethra and at the top of the vestibule.  The rest of the clitoris is covered by the clitoral hood. It extends into the body and wraps around the vaginal canal (the vagina is a woman's internal reproductive area). Sexual pleasure is the clitoris' primary purpose.  It is the most sensitive erogenous zone. The glans of the clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings, which is twice as many nerve endings as the penis. This erogenous zone spreads the feeling to 15,000 other nerves in the pelvis, which is why it can feel like your whole body is experiencing an orgasm.

• Spend Time Discovering What's Pleasurable to You Through Solo Pleasuring: Solo pleasuring (also known as masturbation) is a safe and pleasurable way to:

• discover what turns you on sexually
• have fun
• release sexual tension
• improve your sleep through the release of tension

• Understand That Your Brain is Your Biggest Sex Organ: Your thoughts and beliefs affect how you feel sexually, so your personal psychology matters just as much as your physiology.  There are two types of sexual stimulation: 

• psychological stimulation: Visual cues or sexual fantasies can include your own fantasies, fantasies from erotica, ethical porn, sexy movies or TV programs, and so on.  Don't overthink or overanalyze it--fantasies aren't real, so you don't necessarily want to act on them.  But maybe you do.  It's up to you.  

• physical stimulation: Your hand, a vibrator or sex toys can be used to get sexually aroused.

• Explore Your Erogenous Zones: Your erogenous zones include your nipples, thighs, vulva, clitoris, and any other areas that might turn you on.

• Don't Pressure Yourself to Have an Orgasm: Rather than focusing on having an orgasm, focus on what feels pleasurable to you without pressuring yourself to have an orgasm.

• Ready to Have an Orgasm? Aside from the fact that everyone is unique in terms of what turns them on, one article isn't sufficient, but there are good books that provide can you with some guidance, including:

• Book Recommendations:
• Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life - by Dr. Emily Nagoski

• Sex For One: The Joy of Self Loving - by Betty Dodson

• Becoming Cliterate - by Dr. Laurie Mintz

• She Comes First - by Dr. Ian Kerner

• Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life - by Dr. Justin J. Lehmiller

Feeling Pain?  Get Medical Help

If you are experiencing vaginal pain, seek help from your doctor immediately.  Pain can be related to any one of a number of problems, including vaginal infections, vulvodynia, cysts, pelvic floor problems or other medical problems.

Getting Help in Therapy

We all need help at sometimes.

Unresolved traumatic experiences can affect your ability to be sexual whether it's on your own or with a partner.  The effects can include (but are not limited to): emotional numbing, physical pain, flashbacks, getting triggered, panic attacks, feeling disconnected from your body, and other related symptoms.

If you have been unable to resolve your problems on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that keep you stuck, so rather than suffering on your own, seek help from a licensed therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Closing the Orgasm Gap Between Women and Men - Part 2: How to Close the Gap

In Part 1 of Closing the Orgasm Gap Between Women and Men, I focused on defining the problem and the contributing factors involved with the orgasm gap based on the book, Becoming Cliterate by relationship and sex therapist Dr. Laurie Mintz. In this article I'm focusing how to close the orgasm gap (see my article: Changing Your Sex Script). 

How to Close the Orgasm Gap

How to Close the Orgasm Gap Between Women and Men

• Since only 25-30% of women have orgasms based on penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex alone, there's a need for both women and men to understand that most women--a whopping 95%!--need clitoral stimulation--either alone or in addition to PIV (individual women vary on what they need, so communication between sex partners is essential: see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

• Since the clitoris is key to women's orgasms, there needs to be greater awareness and understanding about the clitoris.  This is true for everyone, but it's especially true for millennials because so many young men get so much misinformation about sex and what women like sexually from porn.  Also, so many young women think they're abnormal if they don't have an orgasm from sexual intercourse (PIV) alone.

• The term "foreplay" implies it happens before the "main event," which is usually understood to be penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex.  It sounds like it's the appetizer before the main course, which also implies that it's less important than PIV sex.  As a result, the word "foreplay" undermines the very sexual activities, like clitoral stimulation, that are so important for women's orgasms, and some sex experts recommend that the term "foreplay" be abolished.  

• While orgasm is usually important for many men and women, focusing on sexual pleasure, instead of a goal-oriented focus on orgasm alone, would enhance sex for both people.  As sex educator Dr. Emily Nagoski says, "Pleasure is the measure" (see Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life).

• Women can learn to make their own sexual pleasure at least as important as their male partner's pleasure, which includes developing an increased awareness of what is sexually pleasurable for them as individuals.  Once they understand what's pleasurable for them, women also need to learn to voice their sexual needs to their partners (see my articles:  Sexual Pleasure and Developing the Erotic Self  and How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex):

• Exploring their own bodies sexually through touch and solo pleasure (masturbation) can help women to understand what is pleasurable for them and also become aware that they can provide themselves with pleasure without relying on a partner, including:

• looking at and appreciating their naked bodies in the mirror, especially their vulva and clitoris

• engaging in self touch/solo pleasure

• using sex toys 

• attending sex-related workshops led by professional sex experts          

• Men need to learn how to pleasure women generously with oral sex (see Dr. Ian Kerner's book She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman): 

• Instead of being in a goal-oriented rush for the woman to have an orgasm, men need to listen to what women want sexually. They also need to take their time with oral sex.  

• Men need to be aware that few things turn women off as much as when they feel their male sexual partner is in a hurry or approaches oral sex like it's a "chore."

• As a society, we need to stop body shaming women for not being thin or having a particular body type.  There needs to be an increased awareness of how our society perpetuates body shame in the mass media, movies and pornography.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're struggling to overcome personal obstacles, you're not alone.

You could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who can help you to overcome the obstacles to your happiness and well-being.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT,  Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I'm a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me. 

Self Soothing Practices to Cope With Touch Deprivation During the COVID-19 Crisis

 In my prior article, How to Cope With Touch Deprivation During the COVID-19 Crisis, I began a discussion about touch deprivation.  I suggested ways to mitigate the loneliness and social isolation by staying socially connected with others online while distancing physically to avoid the risk of contracting the Coronavirus (see my article: The Physical and Emotional Impact of Social Isolation During the COVID-19 Pandemic). In this article, I'm focusing on self soothing practices you can use to cope with touch deprivation as a result of social isolation.

Self Soothing Practices to Cope With Touch Deprivation

Safety Precautions During COVID-19 Pandemic

As you probably know, the CDC's recommendations to reduce the risk of contracting the COVID-19 virus include, among other safety measures, social distancing of at least 6 feet.  

While remaining physically distant is important to reduce the risk of getting COVID-19, many people, especially people who live alone, are experiencing unintended consequences of loneliness, anxiety and depression as a result of touch deprivation.

What is Touch Deprivation (also known as Skin Hunger)?

Let's start by defining touch deprivation, which is also known as skin hunger.

Skin is the largest sensory organ we have, and skin hunger is a deep longing for physical contact with another person. 

As I mentioned in my prior article, touch is the first sense we acquire as infants, and it's crucial for infants' survival.  Being hugged or touched by someone you care about fulfills both emotional and physical needs throughout the life cycle.  

When people can no longer experience hugs and other forms of tactile comfort, they are deprived of one of the most important elements of physical and emotional comfort.

Being deprived of skin-to-skin contact for a long period of time can have profound physical and emotional consequences, including:

• Increased anxiety
• Increased stress levels
• Increased cortisol levels
• Depressed mood
• Poor sleep
• Feelings of loneliness and isolation

How to Cope With Touch Deprivation

There are self soothing practices that you can engage in to cope with touch deprivation, including:

• Practicing Self Massage: When you're feeling touch deprived and lonely, you can give yourself a massage.  Depending upon what you enjoy, you can use your favorite massage oil to slowly and gently massage your body to feel physically and emotionally comforted.

How to Cope With Touch Deprivation

• Engaging in Self Pleasure/Masturbation: Self pleasure is a broad category, which includes whatever you find physically pleasurable. Everyone is different in terms of what s/he likes. So, if you're not sure, you can explore what feels pleasurable to you.  As part of this exploration, you can play with different textures, including leather, feathers, soft material and other textures to feel pleasant sensations against your skin.  Self pleasure can include masturbation either with or without sex toys. When you masturbate to orgasm, you experience an increase in oxytocin and serotonin.  These hormones can reduce stress, improve sleep and provide pain relief.

• Sleeping With a Body Pillow: A body pillow is a long pillow that runs the length of your body.  Holding a body pillow while you sleep can help to calm you by offering comfort and physical support. 

• Using a Weighted Blanket: A weighted blanket is a blanket that is at least 15 pounds and it's used for therapeutic purposes to help relieve stress, anxiety and depression. The weight of the blanket helps to put the user at ease and improve the user's mood.

• Dancing: Aside from being fun, dancing, even when you're dancing alone, releases oxytocin which, as previously mentioned, helps to improve your mood and provides a sense of well-being.  

Getting Help in Therapy

There are times when self soothing practices aren't enough to overcome the emotional pain of anxiety, depression or feelings of loneliness and isolation.

A licensed psychotherapist can help you to overcome your emotional pain.

Rather than suffering on your own, you could benefit from working with an experienced therapist so you can work through your difficulties.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.