Accepting What You Cannot Change is a Form of Change

In trauma recovery and clinical psychology, radical acceptance of what you cannot change is fundamentally an active form of psychological change because it shifts your internal state from an exhausting fight against objective reality to a profound transformation of perspective. 

Active serenity: Radical acceptance is not passive surrender, but an active internal grounding where you stop trying to control the vast external landscape and instead cultivate your own stable reality.

 

Originally penned by American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr in the 1940s, the foundational framework of the Serenity Prayer asks for the "serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference." Beyond its historical integration into 12-step recovery programs, this model serves as a vital psychotherapeutic tool. It actively down-regulates anxiety by shifting an individual’s focus from external uncontrollables to internal autonomy, fostering mindfulness ,emotional boundary-setting, and systemic healing.

When you stop fighting reality, you free up massive reserves of psychological energy to redirect toward your own life, growth, and healing.

To preserve strict clinical confidentiality, the following scenario represents a composite case study illustrating how an adult client safely transitions from chronic codependent caretaking to radical acceptance through depth therapy.

The Case of Jim: The Lifelong Burden of Parentification

Jim grew up as an only child to a mother trapped in a severe, immobilizing clinical depression. As a young child, Jim naturally assumed the role of the parental caretaker—a psychological dynamic known as parentification. He sacrificed his childhood, opting to stay indoors and lay next to his bedridden mother as his primary means of emotional and physical co-regulation (see my article: What is Self Abandonment?). On her rare functional days, he played cards, watched her favorite shows, and told jokes, desperately trying to enliven her. His father, unable to cope with the marital depression, emotionally abdicated by burying himself in his work.

As an adult, Jim harbored a persistent, unconscious repetition compulsion to "heal" his mother, despite her explicit refusal to seek professional mental health treatment. His own psyche became deeply enmeshed with her pathology; because he originally connected with her through her illness, he carried a heavy, secondary depressive state himself. When Jim initiated psychotherapy, his initial goal was entirely outward-facing: he wanted a therapist to help him find the "perfect words" or actions to force his mother into recovery.

The Path to Radical Acceptance and Systemic Shifting

Through long-term trauma therapy, Jim’s practitioner helped him recognize how he had systematically abandoned his own developmental needs to carry his mother's system. Letting go of the wish to cure her felt like a profound act of disloyalty; his mind signaled that surrendering the rescue mission meant severing his only structural connection to her.

However, as the psychotherapeutic work deepened, Jim successfully executed a series of active boundaries:

• Reclaiming Autonomy: Jim began investing his emotional energy into his own life, cultivating a robust social circle, entering the dating world, and engaging in fulfilling personal hobbies.
• Dismantling the Persuasion Loop: He consciously stopped tracking his mother's moods and ceased his persistent pleas for her to enter treatment. This active surrender triggered a wave of deep, ancestral grief that he safely processed within his sessions.

This shift culminated in a pivotal interaction. When his mother noticed his emotional detachment and questioned why he had stopped pushing her to get help, Jim calmly responded: "I am learning to accept that if you do not want to get help, I have absolutely no power to change your mind."

This moment of radical acceptance transformed the family dynamic. Several weeks later, his mother called him to share an unexpected breakthrough: with Jim no longer pushing, she was no longer consuming her energy resisting his pleas. Faced with the raw reality of her own depression without an enmeshed protector to absorb the impact, she autonomously scheduled an appointment with a depression specialist.

Healing the Imprinted Trauma

Jim continued his therapeutic work to resolve the developmental trauma and somatic imprints he absorbed during childhood. His clinician utilized a targeted combination of EMDR therapy and IFS Parts Work therapy to help his nervous system safely unburden the depression he had carried for decades, allowing him to step into a vibrant state of personal aliveness.

Conclusion: Acceptance as an Active Process

While accepting what cannot be changed is often misconstrued on a superficial level as passive surrender or "giving up," it is actually a highly active, courageous internal process. It demands rigorous self-examination, a willingness to grieve unfulfilled relational desires, and a clear-eyed confrontation with reality.

In many family systems, the obsessive drive to change or save a struggling loved one is a unconscious mechanism to stay emotionally attached to them. For Jim, immersion in his mother’s illness was the only relational blueprint he knew. Releasing that illusion of control requires working through deep, long-standing developmental trauma.

Seeking Professional Help in Trauma Therapy

Shifting away from chronic over-functioning and ancestral enmeshment is neither quick nor easy. If you are struggling to separate your own well-being from a loved one's chaos, you can benefit immensely from working alongside a specialist. Rather than navigating this painful loop in isolation, seek guidance from a licensed mental health professional specializing in advanced trauma and experiential modalities. Freeing yourself from a traumatic history is the ultimate step toward reclaiming a fulfilling, authentic life.

Ready to Release the Illusion of Control?
If you have spent your life self-abandoning to carry the weight of a depressed, addicted, or chaotic family member, your body may be trapped in a permanent survival loop. True serenity isn't about successfully fixing others; it's about courageously reclaiming your own life boundaries.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, and advanced practitioner specializing in IFS Parts Work, Somatic Experiencing, AEDP, EMDR, and EFT Couples Therapy. I provide depth-oriented, experiential therapy to help individual adults and couples move past internal blockages into authentic relational alignment.

To learn more about my clinical background, clinical philosophy, and healing approach, please visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

• Office Location: I see clients in-person at my Greenwich Village office (New York, NY 10011) as well as online via secure telehealth.
• Initial Consultation: I provide a complimentary 15-minute introductory phone call prior to scheduling an initial appointment.
• Contact Information: You can reach me directly at (917) 742-2624 during standard business hours or you can email me.

Medical Disclaimer

Medical Disclaimer: The information provided in this article is for educational and informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of a qualified mental health professional or physician regarding a medical or psychological condition.

Empowering Yourself During COVID-19: There Are Things You CAN Control

During the current COVID-19 crisis, many people are feeling powerless. This is understandable given the suddenness and the unprecedented nature of the crisis. Also, many of the social interactions, activities and diversions that would normally be available to people to support their well-being aren't available to them because people are physically isolated and might be lonely.  There are many unknowns about the future and it can feel like everything is out of your control.  But before you give into feelings of hopelessness and helplessness, let's take a look at the things that you can control (see my articles: Coping and Staying Calm During a Crisis, Coping with Loneliness and Social Isolation, and Undoing Aloneness: Staying Socially Connected Even Though We're Physically Disconnected).

Empowering Yourself During COVID-19: There Are Things You CAN Control

There Are Things You Can Control During the COVID-19 Pandemic
The Serenity Prayer, which was written by Reinhold Niebuhr, contains much wisdom and many people, both in and out of the recovery community, find it calming:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

Regardless of whether or not you believe in a God, a Higher Power, religion or prayer, these words remind you that, if you're worried about things you have no control over, you can redirect your attention to what you can control.

What You Can Control During the COVID-19 Pandemic
Rather than focusing on what you can't control, let's take a look at some things you can control:

• Stay Informed But Don't Spend Too Much Time Watching the News: 
• Getting reliable information is important to staying informed. 
• It's also important to moderate how much time you spend watching or listening to the news.  
• Much of the news is repetitive throughout the day, and the benefit spending time watching TV or online news is often outweighed by how anxious it can make you feel.
•  So, you need to figure out what's best for you in terms of how much and when you watch the news.  
• If you want to maintain your overall sense of well-being, it's especially important that you don't watch the news before you go to sleep.

• Center and Ground Yourself: 
• Practice doing breathing exercises to help to calm yourself (see my article: Square Breathing to Manage Stress). 
• Practice online yoga at a pace that's right for you if yoga appeals to you. If you're not up to doing a vigorous form of yoga, there are online videos or chair yoga.
• Practice meditation at a regular time. Some people prefer to meditate at night.  Others prefer to meditate when they wake up, and some people do it two or more times a day.  You don't need any special knowledge to quiet your mind to meditate.  You can start by taking a few deep breaths to activate your parasympathetic nervous system, which will calm you down.  There are also many online meditations that you can follow (see my articles: The Mind-Body Connection: Mindfulness Meditation and Calming the Body, Calming the Mind). 
• Calm your thoughts by taking it one day, one hour or even one minute at a time.
• Recognize that all things pass.
• Feel gratitude and appreciation for what you do have right now. 

• Establish a Routine For Yourself: Chances are good that your normal routine has been interrupted since the current crisis began.  A routine can give you comfort and a feeling of stability, so you can establish a new routine for yourself:
• Wake up and go to sleep at the same time everyday.
• Plan your meals.
• Plan some quiet time for yourself, even if it's just a couple of minutes to breathe.
• Make a To-Do list for yourself for the next day so you don't spend all day either in bed or watching news
• A To-Do list can help to organize your day, your week, and your life.
• Try not to be too ambitious with your To-Do list.
• Be gentle with yourself. Recognize that you're probably not going to accomplish everything on the list--and that's okay.
• Appreciate yourself for accomplishing whatever you accomplish on the list.

• Stay Active: Even though you might be physically isolating, there are still ways to be physically active:
• You can find many free workouts and yoga classes online.
• You can also walk or bike outside as long as you take the precautions recommended to stay a healthy distance (at least 6 feet away) from others and follow The Center for Disease Control (CDC) recommendations.

• Accept the Ups and Downs You Feel as a Common Response to a Crisis: You're living through an unprecedented time in modern history.  Chances are that your mood will go up and down at various times. This is a common experience during times of stress and crisis (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Your So-Called "Negative Emotions".
• If you feel anxious, sad, fearful or whatever emotion you're experiencing at any given time, you're having a common response to a crisis.
• Rather than judging yourself, accept all your emotions and do whatever you can to alleviate your stress and negative emotions.
• Recognize that you're not alone.  Millions of other people, who are just like you, are experiencing the same thing. We're in this together.

• Eat Nutritiously: Eating the right amount of protein, vegetables, grains and vegetables is important to stay physically and mentally healthy.  

• Get Enough Sleep: Getting proper sleep is essential to your overall health and well-being (see my article: Tips on Improving Your Sleep).

• Stay Connected Socially: Even though you might not be able to see loved ones now, you can still stay connected to them via: 
• Phone calls
• Video chats  
• Games with friends online.  
• Video night with a Netflix Party

• Remember Your Strengths: Whether you realize it or not, your strengths have gotten you through stressful times in the past.  Remembering these strengths can be empowering to you now (see my article: Remember Your Strengths as a Way to Cope With the Current Crisis).

Getting Help in Therapy
Times of crisis can trigger prior trauma and stressors, and it can be difficult to determine what you're reacting to emotionally.  The important thing to know is that you're not alone.

An experienced psychotherapist can help you to get through a stressful time when you feel overwhelmed.

Many psychotherapists, including me, are providing online therapy (also called telehealth, telemental health, and teletherapy) during the current crisis when therapists aren't in their office (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy When You Can't Meet With Your Therapist in Person).

Rather than struggling on your own, you could get help from a licensed psychotherapist to overcome the obstacles that are hindering you.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Emotionally Focused Therapy therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am providing online therapy during the COVID-19 crisis.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Finding Inner Peace During Uncertain Times

In Harvard psychologist Daniel Gilbert 's op-ed piece in the New York Times called What You Don't Know Makes You Nervous he wrote that most people feel worse when they think that something bad might happen than when they know something bad will happen.

Finding Inner Peace During Uncertain Times

Initially, this concept might not  seem to make sense, and you might think, "But wouldn't you feel worse if you knew for sure that something bad was going to happen?" However, according to Dr. Gilbert, what the research shows is that when people know that something bad will happen, after their initial reactions of fear, shock, anger or whatever other feelings bad news brings up, most people can then mobilize themselves to take action to deal with the bad news, as opposed to just worrying about it.

For most of us, knowing what we're up against is better than the uncertainty of not knowing. According to Dr. Gilbert, "...we can't come to terms with circumstances whose terms we don't know. An uncertain future leaves us stranded in an unhappy present with nothing to do but wait" (see Daniel Gilbert, Ph.D.)

Taking action, whether it's changing our behavior, changing our attitudes, or making plans, helps us to feel better and find our emotional balance again.

How to Find Inner Peace During Uncertain Times:
Considering that many people today are living in uncertain times, how do we find and maintain inner peace and happiness to sustain us through the uncertainty?

To start, based on Dr. Gilbert's research findings, if it's possible to find out whether you'll be facing bad news, in most cases, it's better to get the information than to avoid dealing with it.

So, for instance, if you're worried about a health concern, rather than procrastinating and avoiding going to the doctor, it's better to be proactive, go to the doctor and either relieve yourself of the anxiety by finding out that you're fine or finding out what you need to do to get better.

Finding Inner Peace During Uncertain Times

I'm bringing up this particular example because many people avoid going to the doctor when they fear they're going to get bad news. But, in most cases, the earlier an illness is addressed, the more likely it is that you'll have a better outcome.

If there is no way to find out if you're going to be facing bad news (let's say, you fear that you might get laid off from your job, but no one knows for sure), then you need to find ways to maintain emotional and physical balance to sustain yourself through this uncertain time. If it's important to you, this also includes spiritual balance.

This could mean finding time during the day to meditate; exercise at the appropriate level for you, possibly taking a yoga class; and maintaining regular contact with supportive friends and family. Managing your stress is crucial. In particular, yoga can be a good stress reliever and restorer of balance and calm. It also means eating nutritious meals and getting enough rest.

When you feel anxious about what could happen, it also helps to remember times when you've actually dealt successfully with adversity in the past. Most of us are usually more resilient than we realize during hard times. If you think about it, you'll also probably realize that there were many times when you worried endlessly about something that never happened.

The Serenity Prayer
Knowing what we can control and what we can't can also help to relieve anxiety. You don't have to believe in God, a Higher Power or be a spiritual person at all to benefit from remembering the Serenity Prayer that says, in part:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference." When we can distinguish what we can and can't control, it helps us to either take action to make changes or to do what we can to relax and stay calm while events unfold.

Serenity Prayer

If you find that you're already doing all of the things that I've recommended in this post and you're still struggling with anxiety, you might benefit from seeing a licensed psychotherapist to help you get through times of uncertainty. Sometimes, even brief treatment to help you develop better coping skills can be very beneficial and can make the difference between feeling overwhelmed with anxiety and maintaining a sense of peace.

About Me
I'm a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, and EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.  

I have helped many clients to overcome anxiety and uncertainty so that they can lead happier lives.

To find out more about me, visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.