Increasing Your Self Confidence and Resilience By Challenging Yourself

In prior articles, I've written about particular aspects of developing resilience (see my articles: Developing Emotional Resilience, Resilience: Bouncing Back From Life's Challenges, Developing a More Resilient Self in Psychotherapy, Navigating Life's Transitions, and Staying Emotionally Grounded During Stressful Times).  In this article, I'm focusing on how to develop resilience and self confidence by challenging yourself (see my article: The Power of Making a Commitment).

Increasing Your Self Confidence and Resilience By Challenging Yourself

Resilience isn't an all or nothing thing.  If you've survived in life until now, you've built up a certain amount of resilience.  And every challenge that you overcome builds even more resilience (see my article: Moving Out of Your Comfort Zone).

Increasing your resilience increases your confidence to face whatever obstacles might come your way, and it allows you to bounce back from setbacks more easily (see my article: Opening Up to New Possibilities in Your Life).

It's never too late to increase your resilience and self confidence by challenging yourself.

For instance, athletes, who are striving to be more competitive and to win bigger prizes, keep pushing themselves to beat their best score.  Or actors, who want to hone their acting skills, keep working on a part until they're satisfied.

But you don't have to be an athlete or an actor or, for that matter, in any particular field to increase your resilience.  You also don't have to wait until a catastrophe occurs in your life to be challenged.

You can find ways in your every day life to challenge yourself to go beyond where you are now, overcome the obstacles involved and build resilience and self confidence.

Increasing Resilience and Self Confidence in Your Everyday Life:
Here's an example:

Reframing Adversity
Looking back on an adverse situation that you overcame in the past, look at the positive aspects that helped you to learn and grow rather than focusing on the negative aspects (see my article: Developing a Positive Perspective By Reframing and Turning Lemons Into Lemonade During Life's Ordinary Disappointments).

For instance, if you were fired from a job in the past, instead of dwelling on all the negative aspects of that situation, think about what you learned from this challenge and how you grew as a person:

A Fictional Example of Reframing Adversity:
Bob lost his job without warning when he and his coworkers were suddenly called into their boss's office and told that it was their last day due to the company's financial problems.

Bob was just as shocked as his coworkers.  He went home, told his wife and then he was tempted to spend the rest of the week in bed with the covers over his head.

But Bob was determined that he wouldn't allow this situation to make him feel defeated or diminished.

So, even though he considered himself to be a shy person and networking was very difficult for him, he challenged himself to make five phone calls a day everyday to former supervisors and colleagues to reconnect with them and find out if there were job opportunities at their current workplaces or if they knew of anyone who might be helpful.

On most days, Bob found this to be a humbling, tedious and fruitless process.  But he kept telling himself that he needed to keep plugging away.  He didn't have the luxury of not working.

Over time, he also realized that he was getting to spend more time with his wife and children, which he really enjoyed.

He also had time to write the article that he had been meaning to write for months for his professional organization.  He was thrilled when it was accepted for publication.

He also had more time to spend on his hobbies.

By the fourth week, Bob reconnected with a former colleague, Joe, who suggested that Bob call one of Joe's former colleagues, Dan, for a possible job opening at Dan's company.  Joe said he would put in a good word for Bob.

When Bob called Dan, Dan said he didn't know of any openings at his company, but he knew for sure  that there was an opening at another company and since Joe was recommending him so highly, Dan would give his contact, Ed, a call.

Increasing Your Self Confidence and Resilience By Challenging Yourself

Two months later, Bob was in a new job that paid more than the job that he was laid off from.  It also offered him new professional opportunities.

When Bob reflected back on his job search process, he felt good that he remained steadfast in his purpose.  Even though it was very challenging for him to keep plugging away, over time, he felt more confident and he bounced back from setback of losing his prior job.

Looking back on the experience, Bob realized that there were many positive aspects to his having lost his job--including spending time with his family, getting an article published, and working on hobbies that he enjoyed.

He also realized that he was able to overcome the fear and frustration of losing his job to find an even better job by being persistent and not allowing negativity to drag him down.  Not only did this build his self confidence in terms of facing other challenges in his life, it also allowed him to feel that he could bounce back from future setbacks.

Setting an Intention For Yourself and Sticking With It
Setting an intention can be a powerful tool in succeeding in a particular goal.  Sticking with your intention, even when you're tempted to give up, can help you to build your self confidence and resilience, especially when you see the results that you desire (see my article: The Power of Starting the Day With an Intention).

A Fictional Example of Setting an Intention and Sticking With It
Here's an example:

Nina rose through the ranks at her job because of her hard work, diligence and creative problem solving.

At her current level, she was supervising three people, and she hoped that she would be promoted to a managerial position within the next year.

But when a managerial position opened up and Nina applied for it, her director told her that he was very happy with her work, but the managerial position required a Master's degree and she only had a Bachelor's degree.

He encouraged her to get her Master's degree if she wanted to be considered for managerial position.  Needless to say, Nina was disappointed.

Nina looked into various Master's programs that had evening programs because she couldn't afford to stop working.  She hesitated, at first, because she saw how daunting it would be to work full time and attend a Master's program at night.

But she also knew that, whether she stayed with her current employer or left for another job, her lack of a Master's degree would be an obstacle for her.  So, she applied to a Master's program, took out loans, and resigned herself to having very long days and weekends filled with work.

She was surprised to discover that, even though it was a tremendous amount of work and a financial sacrifice, she really liked her professors, her course work and her classmates.

During the time when she was working full time and attending the evening Master's program, she had to turn down many social invitations because she didn't have the time to socialize.  It was lonely.  She also wondered if the debt she was incurring would be worth it in the long run.

There were times when she considered giving up and being satisfied with where she was in her career, but she knew she wouldn't be satisfied for long, so she persevered.

Increasing Your Self Confidence and Resilience By Challenging Yourself

By the time she received her degree, another managerial position opened up, and her director offered her the job.  He also met with her to talk about her career path at the company and other possible promotions if she did well in the new managerial position.

Looking back on the experience, Nina knew that she gave up a lot in terms of socializing, getting enough rest and taking on student loans.  But she felt proud that she was persistent and diligent enough to put aside other concerns so she could accomplish her goal.

Nina also knew that by setting an intention and sticking with her goal, she felt more confident about herself and resilient in terms dealing with future challenges.

What's Getting in the Way of Your Facing Challenges and Accomplishing Your Goals?
Many people, who have experienced early trauma, have difficulty dealing with adversity and accomplishing their goals (see my article: Understanding Why You're Affected By Trauma From a Long Time Ago and Overcoming the Traumatic Effects of Childhood Trauma).

People who have been very traumatized also have difficulty even setting goals.

Early traumatic experiences affect how they feel about themselves.  They often lack confidence in themselves or feel undeserving, telling themselves:  "I'm not good enough" or "Who am I kidding?  I'll never amount to anything" (see my article: How Our Expectations and Beliefs Affect Us).

Often, these are messages they received as children, either directly or indirectly from their caregivers, who might have also felt beaten down by their own early experiences (see my article: Overcoming the Internal Critic).

For people who are weighed down by emotional trauma, it's especially hard to overcome these negative messages that they have internalized from a young age.  This also creates, at times, insurmountable obstacles to facing challenges.

Getting Help in Therapy
There are times when you can't overcome the emotional obstacles that you're facing on your own.  You need the help of a skilled psychotherapist to overcome the trauma that's holding you back (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How Psychotherapy Helps You to Open Up to New Possibilities in Your Life).

Many people, who need help, never seek it out.  They feel too ashamed, and they remain weighed down by their early trauma throughout their lives (see my article: Looking at Your Childhood Trauma Through an Adult Perspective).

If you're aware that, despite your best efforts, you've been unable to overcome the emotional trauma that keeps you stuck, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional (see my article: Overcoming Self Doubt That Keeps You Stuck).

Freeing yourself from a traumatic history gives you a chance to live your life in a more fulfilling way without the obstacles that are keeping you down.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Resilience: Bouncing Back from Life's Challenges

I recently had an opportunity to talk to a close friend's 84 year old mother.  I'll call her Alice (not her real name).  Alice is one of the most resilient and optimistic people that I know.  She's an inspiring person to people who know her.  One of the most admirable things about Alice is that, despite the many challenges she's had in her life, she's always bounced back and learned from adversity. I wanted to hear from her how she remains so resilient and optimistic about life.

Resilience and Wisdom:  Bouncing Back

As I mentioned, Alice has faced many challenges and losses in her life, including the deaths of two her husbands, financial hardship while she was raising her children, and a bout with cancer when she was in her 50s (fortunately, she's been cancer free for more than 30 years).  So, it's not that she's led a charmed life at all. She knows what it's like to go through hard times.

When I asked her how she became so resilient, she laughed and had to think about it for a while.   Then, she told me that, from the time she was a child, her mother was a good role model.  She said that her mother, who raised five children on her own after her husband died when Alice was 12, always maintained a positive attitude about life.  

Alice said, "She always told us to take each day as it comes, neither dwelling in the past nor dwelling too much in the future."  This reminded me of the slogan from Alcoholics Anonymous about "one day at a time."  Alice told me that she felt many people spend too much time worrying about the "what if's" in life and worrying about "what might happen."  She said that one thing that she learned in her long life was that it makes no sense to her to dwell on regrets or, alternatively, to worry about the future.  She said, "Life is full of surprises that you can't anticipate, so why worry about it?"

Alice talked about living in the moment, another thing she learned from her mother, "No matter how busy she was, she would take a moment to notice things--whether it was the beauty of a flower or the crisp air of an autumn day."  She laughed and said her mother had never heard the term "mindfulness," but she was a mindful person who remained open to things around her, both positive and negative.

When she brought up regrets, I asked Alice if she had any regrets in life, anything that, if she could do over, she would.  She thought about it for a moment and then said that, for the most part, she didn't have regrets.  She felt that whatever experiences she had in life made her the person that she is and she learned from her experiences, so she couldn't regret them. 

Alice also told me that, after she was diagnosed with cancer, she became a lot more aware of her health.  She changed her diet.  She makes sure she gets plenty of sleep.  She also still walks 30 minutes every day to get exercise and fresh air.  She never smoked.  

One of the things I like most about Alice is that she has a great sense of humor and she's a great story teller.  Whenever we get together at my friend's home, Alice is usually at the center of the group telling stories and making us laugh.  She also laughs at herself.  She told me that she finds one of the best forms of "therapy" for her is watching funny movies.  Charlie Chaplin movies are among her favorites, especially because he combined humor with pathos.  

Another thing about Alice that impressed me is that she remains open and curious about life.  She loves to read, both fiction and nonfiction.  She's part of a book club in her neighborhood.  The people in the book club are a lot younger than her, but she enjoys their company and listening to their ideas.  She looks forward to learning and continuing to develop her mind.  And, she remains a very sharp and insightful person.

At the end of our conversation, Alice said to me, "Aren't you going to ask me how I feel about dying?" Her question surprised me, at first.  While it's obvious that someone in their 80s would have thoughts about death and dying, I hadn't planned to ask her about this.  She told me that she hoped she would live for at least a few more years in good health because there were still things she wanted to do.  Then she said, "But I'm not afraid to die. I've lived a good, long life.  What else could I ask for?"

We live in a time when our society reveres youth and beautiful appearances.  But I think we can all learn a lot from older people like Alice, who remain resilient, optimistic, curious, and open to life.   

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Photo Credit:  Photo Pin

When One Door Closes, Another Door Often Opens to New Opportunities

We Live in Challenging Times:
There's no doubt that we're living in challenging times. How we respond to challenging times often makes a big difference in how we get through them. It's important to remember that, often, when one door closes, another door opens.

When One Door Closes, Another Often Opens
This is not to make light of the very real and serious problems that people are facing economically and the pressure that these economic problems place on their relationships. And, of course, for many people, there might not be readily available "open doors" or opportunities on the horizon. Many people are doing the best that they can and they're facing uphill battles.

When One Door Closes, Another Door Often Opens

But often there are other "doors" that are available to us, if we are willing to see them. Being able to see them often depends on our perspective. If we allow ourselves to become overly discouraged, especially early on after a loss, we might miss seeing certain opportunities to re-evaluate our lives and take stock.

A Crisis Often Brings Change
Sometimes a crisis opens the door to change a lot faster than if it had not occurred. We might stay stuck in jobs that we no longer want or we are no longer suited for just because we become complacent. Or, we might stay stuck in a relationship that is really over in all but name. When change is forced upon us, we are often forced to consider options that we might not have considered before--like going back to college and completing a degree, if you're fortunate enough to be in a position to do that.

The other door that opens might be allowing friends and family to help you, if they're in a position to do this. This can be especially beneficial if you're the one who usually helps others. It can be an opportunity to allow others to reciprocate.

Aside from economic problems, a challenging time might be the end of a relationship. No one likes going through a breakup but, often, after you have overcome the initial hurt, you can look upon it as a time to start over. Maybe you realize that you learned certain things from being in the relationship that just ended that will be helpful to you in your next relationship.

Being Open to New Opportunities
When one door closes and another opens, you need to be willing to walk through the open door to benefit from the opportunity that has been presented to you. A new beginning can seem daunting at first, but if you try to maintain a positive attitude, the saying, "When one door closes, another opens" will be more than just a trite saying to you. It could be your next opportunity in life.

About Me

I am a NYC licensed psychotherapist, EMDR therapist, Somatic Experiencing therapist, and hypnotherapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Learning About Yourself While Traveling

I thought I would take a break this time from weighty psychological topics and focus on travel and what we can learn about ourselves when we travel.

Learning About New People, Places and Cultures While Traveling
Most people who like to travel talk about how much they like meeting new people from different countries, visiting new places, and learning about different cultures. 

Learning About Yourself While Traveling

When I have an opportunity to travel and can get away, I also enjoy all of these things. I have a natural curiosity about new people and places. And I'm sure that my curiosity, as well as my desire to help people, contributed to my decision to become a psychotherapist.

Aside from discovering new cultures, I find that traveling is also a good way to learn about yourself--how you react to new people, situations, foreign customs and possible hardships on the trip. Recently, I traveled to Nosara, Costa Rica on the Pacific coast for some rest and relaxation. I've been curious about Costa Rica for a long time, especially after I heard that Costa Ricans, who call themselves Ticos, are supposed to be among the happiest people in the world.

Learning About Yourself While Traveling
It's always interesting to observe yourself in new situations. Even though I love to travel, there are certain things about traveling that I don't especially relish: the long lines at the airport, travel delays, and going through security at the airport. 

I think I usually approach these situations with patience and equanimity, but I'm aware that, at times, I feel frustrated. Over the years, I've learned that remembering to take a few deep breaths and closing my eyes to meditate for a few minutes can go a long way when faced with travel challenges.

When our plane boarded on time, my companions and I were pleased. Everything seemed to be going as planned. But then we got stuck on the tarmac, waiting for our turn, in a long line of planes, to take off. The captain, who had a confident and reassuring tone, told us that we would be delayed by about 20 minutes as we waited for our turn to take off. I closed my eyes and, in my mind's eye I saw the beautiful pictures I had seen online of Nosara beaches. Even with a 20 minute delay, I told myself, we could still be on the beach by mid-afternoon.

Then, after about 10 other planes had taken off, it was our turn. As the plane gained momentum and I felt it lifting off, I felt a sense of exhilaration. There's something about take offs that always makes me think that I'm free of whatever cares I might have left behind. I thought to myself: I'm off the ground, heading into the clouds, leaving behind the cold, dreary New York rain, and in four in a half hours, our plane would land in Liberia, two hours away by car from Nosara.

Fortunately for us, our flight was fairly uneventful, and I was able to relax and read my book. When we landed, it was a sunny 85 degrees in Liberia. I could already picture myself on the beach, enjoying the warmth of the sun and the beautiful ocean...but first, we had to go through Costa Rican Immigration. We were directed to the Immigration area, which was a open area in one of the airport buildings that was cooled by a large ceiling fan.

The first thing that I noticed was that five other planes from the US and Canada had arrived around the same time that we had. The second thing that I noticed was that there were no lines--it was just a mass of hundreds of people all trying to get to the four or five Immigration officials who were examining passports. There was no organization at all.

Finally, two and a half hours later, my companions and I were allowed to enter into the country. The next challenge was waiting for a van that would take us to the nearest Avis office since there were no car rental agencies at the airport. Forty-five minutes later, we were in the van on our way to Avis. We were greeted by very pleasant, efficient Avis employees who spoke fluent English and who were very helpful with regard to explaining to us how to get from Liberia to Nosara.

Then, we were off, and I breathed a sigh of relief. Even with all of the delays, we could still be on the beach by the late afternoon, I thought. It was also a relief to be driving on the open highway. We had the guidance of a GPS, which is a must if you're traveling from Liberia to Nosara because the roads can be confusing. We passed through open fields where cattle ranchers were raising cows and goats. We also passed through small, quaint towns along the way. Some of the Ticos waved to us as we went by, and I remember thinking that they really did seem like happy people.

Everything was going fine for the first hour or so. Then, the GPS informed us that we would be coming to unpaved roads. No problem, we thought, we had all driven over unpaved roads before, so we weren't concerned. However, the unpaved roads in Costa Rica are not just unpaved--they are extremely rutted and filled with big stones. So, it wasn't possible to drive more than 40 kilometers per hour.

After another hour of the bumpiest ride that I've ever experienced in my life, the sun began to go down. (Did I mention that the roads are unlit at night and that, other than our car lights, the only light came from the stars and a sliver of waxing moon?) At that point, we were on high, narrow, windy roads with two-way traffic and hairpin turns. As we made the turns, there were blind spots where we couldn't see the oncoming traffic until it was nearly on top of us which, in a few instances, was rather harrowing.

There were several instances where we had to drive over bridges where there were signs that said, "Peligroso," which means dangerous in Spanish. So, we were forewarned about the danger, except that we didn't know what that meant. Only one car could go over these bridges at a time, so we usually yielded to other cars and motorcycles coming from the other direction. At one point, we were about to go over another bridge and, luckily, we noticed before we drove further that there was no bridge. The only indicator that there was no bridge was a pile of rocks in front of where the bridge used to be (before it was washed away?). Beyond that, there was a big drop.

Four hours later, after getting lost several times, we arrived at Villa del Sol, a gated community of low-rise condos in Nosara. We were very glad to have reached our destination. The manager, Daniel, greeted us warmly. I wondered if I would have to try to muddle through in my imperfect Spanish, but Daniel spoke perfect English, "I'm surprised that you drove from Liberia to Nosara at night. I usually tell people to rent a hotel in Liberia and wait until morning, rather than drive at night, because the roads in Nosara are treacherous at night." If only we had asked him...

Once we were settled in for the night, exhausted, we wondered aloud if we had made a mistake in traveling to a place with such dangerous roads. After all, this was supposed to be a vacation for rest and relaxation. But by the morning, we were refreshed and we were ready to explore Nosara. And being able to see during the day was a big improvement over driving on the rutted roads in the pitch black of the evening. But we still had to proceed very slowly and cautiously over the roads and we got lost quite a bit because many road signs were missing.

As we were driving along, I noticed that the Ticos did not seem at all bothered by the roads. They were riding in all types of vehicles--everything from 4 Wheel Drive vehicles to rickety bicycles. We saw mothers carrying their little children on bicycles, waving to us, looking very content.

It was then that I had a small epiphany about my own and my companions' attitudes: There we were, middle class Americans who had the luxury of traveling to beautiful Costa Rica, complaining to ourselves about the roads. And here were these Ticos, many of whom lived in small humble homes, who had much less than we had monetarily. They were traveling along these same bumpy roads but, rather than complaining, they were smiling and waving at us. (I was amazed at how adapt the cyclists were, both bicyclists and motorcyclists, at navigating around as their bikes occasionally went up in the air when they hit a big rut or a stone in the road.)

For the rest of our vacation, I was much more aware of my thoughts, feelings and attitudes about any inconveniences that came up. I think we were all much more aware of how lucky we were, and how much we had to be grateful for in our lives. And we realized that a few bumps in the road, literally, should not throw us off.

For me, it was a wonderful example of how much we can all learn about ourselves when we find ourselves in unfamiliar situations: Do we approach these challenges with a calm and patient attitude or do we become discontent or fearful of the unfamiliar?

As for Nosara, I would highly recommend it. Pelada beach was just steps from our condo. It's a beautiful beach. We saw all kinds of birds on the beach, including diving pelicans and white egrets. There were also many howler monkeys in the trees close to our condo. They seemed as curious about us as we were about them. And the sunsets on Pelada are magnificent. If you go to Nosara, go to Olga's restaurant, which is a small, unassuming restaurant right on the beach, and eat the most delicious shrimp that you've ever tasted while watching the sunset.

I never did find out exactly why Costa Ricans are among the happiest people in the world. I suspect that it has a lot to do with the fact that their government places a strong emphasis on education and health. 

Almost everywhere you go, you hear or see the words "Pura Vida," which means pure life. They also place a high value on family, community, and preserving their environment. I think we could all learn a lot from Ticos, and I hope to return to Costa Rica to see the many wonderful sights that I did not have time to see during this trip.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.


 

Developing Emotional Resilience

Emotional resilience refers to a person's ability to deal with adversity, stressful situations and crisis in a balanced way. It's often part of a person's nature. However, the good news is that even if you're not naturally resilient and you tend to be a person who is more vulnerable to stressful events, you can learn to develop better coping skills so that you can become more resilient.

Developing Emotional Resilience

The ability to be more resilient is on a continuum so it's not an "all or nothing" kind of thing. It's not like either you have it or you don't--it's a matter of degree. Some people have better coping skills than others. So, before we explore how to become more resilient, let's explore what positive factors contribute to being more resilient:

• Understanding your feelings --what you feel and why you feel it


• Willingness to take appropriate action and not to give up easily


• Having a positive outlook about yourself and the world


• Willingness to seek emotional support when you need it


• Being able to laugh at life's every day challenges


• Learning from your mistakes and being willing to change


• Finding meaning and purpose in your life

How to Develop Emotional Resilience:

Engage in positive self talk. Remind yourself of your strengths and inner resources, your positive experiences, and that you have dealt with other problems before.

Understand why you are feeling upset so you can take positive action.

Know what you can control in your life and in the world and what you cannot. Learn how to respond and not overreact to adversity. There's a lot of wisdom in the Serenity Prayer: "God, grant me the wisdom to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference."

Develop a positive outlook on the world. Learn to cultivate an optimistic attitude.

Talk to supportive friends and family and allow them to give you support when you need it.

Be flexible and willing to change, adapt and grow.

Develop a sense of humor and learn to laugh at every day stressors. Be curious. Learn to develop your playful side. Whatever you can laugh at, most likely, will not have so much power over you.

Get plenty of rest, eat nutritious foods, and maintain a healthy exercise regime (always consult with your doctor before beginning an exercise program).

Learn to find the deeper meaning in life's stressful situations. Whether you consider yourself to be a spiritual person or not, you can find a deeper meaning and even a deeper purpose when faced with adversity.

Be persistent. When you know that you are on the path that is right for you, don't give up when you become discouraged. Develop a positive attitude and a perspective that you're in it for the long haul.

Remember that it's a process. Be patient with yourself and others.

Good luck to you on your journey.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist 

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.