Overcoming Recurring Patterns of Self Sabotaging Behavior

Becoming aware of your recurring self sabotaging behavior requires a willingness to explore your patterns with self compassion.

What is Self Sabotaging Behavior?

Self sabotaging behavior often begins with unconscious thoughts and emotions that create roadblocks to your personal growth, well-being, goals and success (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

Overcoming Recurring Patterns of Self Sabotage

Self sabotaging behavior usually involves a conflict between what you want and your unconscious fears or insecurity.

What Causes Self Sabotaging Behavior?

The root of self sabotaging behavior often begins in early childhood. This might include early messages from parents that you're not good enough or you're unlovable. 

These traumatic messages usually get internalized at a deep unconscious level so that, as an adult, you might not recognize the origin of your self sabotaging behavior (see my article: Overcoming Trauma: You're Not Defined By Your History).

Overcoming Recurring Patterns of Self Sabotage

Growing up in a chaotic, unpredictable environment can create a fear of change so that you remain stuck in unhealthy ways of being (see my article: How Does Shame Develop at an Early Age?).

In addition, you might equate what is familiar to you, including self sabotaging behavior, as "safety" even if you are aware that it's unhealthy. In other words, you might prefer what is known, including unhealthy behavior, to what is unknown, including trying to develop healthier ways of coping.

Self sabotaging behavior is often triggered by stressful situations. 

When you have little to no awareness about what triggers your behavior, your pattern continues because, instead of exploring what triggered the behavior, you fall into the trap of continuing to enact the same self destructive patterns (see my article: What is Self Abandonment?).

What Are Examples of Self Sabotaging Behavior?

The following are a few examples of self sabotaging behavior:

• Procrastination: Delaying tasks to avoid potential failure or judgment including self judgment (see my article: Overcoming Procrastination)

• Perfectionism: Setting unrealistic standards which causes stagnation (see my article: Overcoming Perfectionism)

Overcoming Recurring Patterns of Self Sabotage

• Escapism: Using unhealthy coping skills to avoid dealing with uncomfortable emotions. These unhealthy coping skills might include excessive drinking, illicit drugs, compulsive gambling, overspending and other attempts to escape

• Relationship Sabotage: Pushing people away, avoiding vulnerability or creating conflict in a relationship as a way to create emotional distance

• Negative Self Talk: Self criticism which erodes your self esteem

• Avoiding New Opportunities: Ignoring or withdrawing from new challenges or opportunities for growth (see my article: Opening Up to New Possibilities in Your Life)

• Remaining Stuck in Unhealthy Familiar Patterns : Refusing to try new things because what is familiar feels "safer" even if it is self destructive

How to Overcome Recurring Patterns of Self Sabotaging Behavior

• Awareness: In order to change any kind of unhealthy pattern of behavior, you must first become aware of the pattern. This means that, instead of blaming others or "bad luck", you need to look at how you are contributing to your problems. Self compassion is an important part of this step because if your awareness triggers self criticism, you can get stuck in a loop of unhealthy behavior. This involves taking a step back and looking for recurring patterns of behavior. For instance, if you have problems with relationship sabotage, you become aware of your contribution to recurring problems in relationships.

Overcoming Recurring Patterns of Self Sabotage

• Identify Triggers and Recurring Patterns: Track your actions to identify your triggers and recurring patterns. For instance, you might realize in hindsight that a pattern of procrastination starts with your fear of failure. You can do this by journaling about your thoughts, emotions and behavior, including recurring unhealthy patterns. After you have identified the patterns, write about how you want to handle these situations.

• Challenge Your Negative Thoughts: Replace negative thoughts with realistic positive thoughts (see my article: Overcoming Habitual Negative Thoughts).

• Set Manageable Goals: Since feeling overwhelmed can trigger avoidance behavior, break down big tasks into smaller parts to reduce the likelihood of feeling overwhelmed.

• Learn to Be in the Present Moment: Develop healthy habits, like practicing breathing exercises and mindfulness, to be in the present moment rather than allowing your thoughts to project too far into the future. 

Get Help in Therapy

Recurring patterns of ingrained self sabotaging behavior can be difficult to identify and even more challenging to change on your own because these patterns often start at a young age before you realize it.

Get Help in Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in helping clients to change self sabotaging behavior.

Once you have freed yourself from these unhealthy behaviors, you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Article:

Overcoming Self Sabotaging Behavior 

Coping With the In-Between State of Change

The in-between state of change can be challenging because you are between an old reality that has ended and a new reality that hasn't developed yet (see my article: Navigating Life's Transitions).

Coping With the In-Between State of Change

Although that in-between state of change can feel scary and uncertain, it can also be a powerful time when many new possibilities open up for you. It all depends on how you navigate that time in your life (see my article: Opening Up to New Possibilties in Your Life).

What Are Liminal Spaces in Your Personal Life?

This in-between state is also known as a liminal space.

Liminal means occupying a place at a boundary or a threshold. 

I'll be using the terms "in-between state" and "liminal space" interchangeably in this article.

Coping With the In-Between State of Change

In psychology a liminal space is a transition or the initial stage of a process. You are at the threshold of having ended something in your life and not yet having begun the next stage.

Some examples include:

• Graduating high school but not yet starting college
• Leaving an old job and not yet starting a new job
• Letting go of an old identity but not yet establishing a new identity 
• Being in the process of moving from an old home and traveling to a new one
• Retiring for a job and not feeling comfortable yet in a new life as a retired person
• Being in the process of making a decision where the status quo no longer fits but you don't yet know what will be next
• Leaving an old relationship and not knowing what comes next 
• Grieving the death of a loved one

How Personal Liminal Space Can Affect Your Mental Health

Most of the time a personal liminal space isn't inherently negative or dangerous. 

There are exceptions, of course: If you lose your job and you don't have savings, it's understandable that you would be under a lot of stress until you find your next job.

In most other circumstances, however, it's your perception of being in an in-between state that might be affecting you.

If you respond to an in-between state as being dangerous when, objectively, it's not, you can feel overwhelmed, anxious and upset because you don't know how to cope with this stage in your life.

This might be especially true if you grew up in an environment where these types of changes were responded to with high anxiety and feelings of foreboding.

How to Cope With Liminal Spaces in Your Personal Life

Everyone experiences transitions in life. There's no way to avoid it.

Assuming that your basic needs are taken care of during a transitional time, you can learn a new way to cope with transitory periods in your life:

• Learn to Accept the In-Between State of Change: Since everyone experiences times when they are in liminal space, rather than trying to resist or deny it, learn to accept this time. Acceptance doesn't mean you like it or you will react to it in a passive way. It just means that you acknowledge that it is happening. Even though it might feel scary and uncertain and you might not be able to control the circumstances, you can control your own thoughts and reactions. For instance, you can't control the death of loved one, but you can find healthy ways to grieve the loss (see my articles: Awareness and Acceptance and Grieving and Healing From Losses).

Accept What You Can and Can't Control

• Create Routines: Creating routines can help to give you a sense of security and stability. For instance, if you have lost a job or you retired, rather than having a lot of unstructured time, create routines for sleeping and waking up, make time for hobbies, get regular exercise or go for walks in nature, etc. (see my article: Starting the Day With a Positive Intention).

Create Personal Rituals in a Mindful Way

• Create Personal Rituals: Whereas a routine is a functional, repetitive task to provide structure and efficiency to manage your life, personal rituals are intentional, meaningful actions that provide purpose, emotion and symbolism. Personal rituals are actions you create for yourself and which exist on a continuum from basic to more elaborate. You can take what might otherwise be a mundane task and create a personal ritual. For instance, if you normally drink your tea while being on "autopilot", you can drink your tea in a mindful way by enjoying the quiet of the day, breathing the aroma, feeling the warmth of the tea and noticing the taste (see my articles: The Power of Rituals and The Power of Personal Rituals).

Practice Mindfulness: Be Here Now

• Practice Mindfulness: Much of the distress of being in a transitional state comes from catastrophizing about what might happen. In retrospect, you might discover that many of your fears didn't materialize. So, to stay calm, take a pause and bring your attention to the present moment. Bring your attention to your body to focus on your breathe. If that feels too challenging, choose a color (let's say blue) and count how many things around you are the color blue. This helps you to orient yourself to your present time and place rather than worrying about what might or might not happen in the future (see my article: Being in the Present Moment).

The Hero's Journey

• Express Yourself in Creative Ways: Much of the current literature and entertainment come from "The Hero's Journey", which the American mythologist, Joseph Campbell, wrote about in his book, The Hero of a Thousand Faces. He identified as a pattern in mythology, both ancient tales and modern stories, where the protagonist travels from the "Known World" to the "Unknown World", faces challenges along the way, meets helpers and returns transformed. The creator of Star Wars, George Lukas, was influenced by "The Hero's Journey". You can also reframe a time of being in an in-between space as being on a journey from the "Known World" to the "Unknown World" and how you will be transformed along the way. You can do this by writing, storytelling or drawing.

Get Help in Therapy

• Get Help in Therapy: If you're having a difficult time coping on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to cope with this difficult time. A skilled psychotherapist can help you to feel emotionally supported and to learn new skills and strategies to cope. So, rather than struggling on your own, seek help so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples to overcome trauma and navigate changes in their life.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

How Does Imagery and Imagination Enhance Your Life 

Overcoming Fear of Change 

Coping With Midlife Transitions

How Does Imagery and Imagination Enhance Psychotherapy?

I have been using imagery and imagination in therapy with my clients for many years (see my article: Using the Imagination as a Powerful Tool For Change).

Imagery and Imagination in Psychotherapy

The Imaginal Realm: Working With Visual Mental Imagery

I recently attended an advanced AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy) seminar called "Imaginal Realm: Working With Visual Mental Imagery in AEDP" which was a deep dive into using imagery and imagination (see my article: What is AEDP?).

When I refer to "imagery", I'm not only referring to visual imagery. Aside from visual imagery, many people get non-visual imagery in sessions. 

For instance, some clients get mental representations through sound (hearing music in their mind), scents that can trigger old memories, kinesthetic experiences (feeling movement), tactile experiences, and an embodied or felt sense of conceptual/verbal imagery such as thinking of concepts or having an internal dialog.

During therapy sessions, I sometimes get visual images in my imagination or a song comes to mind. Over the years, I have learned to appreciate these experiences as messages from my unconscious mind because they often tell me what is going on for the client or what is going on between the client and me.

It's not unusual for me to have an image, song or a word in mind and then a few seconds later the client mentions the same image, song or word (see my articles: Synchronicities - Part 1 and Part 2).

Over time, I have learned that these experiences occur when I feel especially attuned to the client. Other therapists, especially therapists who are experiential therapists like me, have told me that they have similar experiences in therapy (see my article: The Psychotherapy Session: A Unique Intersubjective Experience).

The Use of Metaphors in Psychotherapy

Over the years, I have heard clients use many metaphors unprompted by me, including: 

• "It's like searching for the Holy Grail."
• "I'm no longer jumping into the vortex of other people's drama."
• "I feel like I'm trapped in a cage."
• "I'm no longer putting up walls."
• "I walked on eggshells with my ex."
• "I'm drowning in paperwork."
• "I keep hitting my head against a wall."
• "He swept me off my feet."
• "A weight has been lifted off my shoulders."

Metaphors are beneficial in therapy because they can:

• Enhance clients' communication by allowing them to express feelings they might otherwise have a hard time articulating

• Deepen insights that can lead to a reframing of a problem, a relationship or an idea

• Bypass rational defenses offering a way to talk about sensitive subjects and break rigid and unhealthy thought patterns

• Strengthen the therapeutic alliance between client and therapist

How Imagery and Imagination Enhance Psychotherapy

Imagery and imagination can enhance therapy by engaging the emotional brain. This allows clients to access and process unconscious emotions.

It also helps clients to make behavioral changes through mental rehearsal.

Imagery and Imagination in Psychotherapy

An example of how to use mental rehearsal is a client who wants to become more confident to give presentations at work. This client can vividly imagine their "Future Self", who can exist at any time in the future. They can imagine a self who has all the confidence, qualities and skills they would like to have (see my article: Experiencing Your Future Self).

Using imagination in this way can strengthen neural pathways and prepare the brain for success.

Clients can also see and feel themselves walking into the presentation room feeling prepared and confident, speaking with passion and receiving applause after the presentation. They might even imagine their boss coming over and praising the presentation. 

AEDP Portrayals

One of the main components in AEDP is doing "portrayals" in therapy sessions.

AEDP portrayals are active experiential and imaginative enactments in the therapy session.

To set up doing a portrayal an AEDP therapist prepares the client prior to doing the portrayal by:

• Establishing Safety and a Therapeutic Alliance: The therapist establishes an attuned connection with the client to ensure the client feels safe and to prevent them from feeling overwhelmed.

• Identifying the Core Material: In collaboration with the client, the therapist identifies a memory or a part of the client's self that still has an emotional charge.

• Inviting Immersion (The Setup): The therapist invites the client to slow down, close their eyes and visualize the scene using as many sensory details as possible (sight, sound, body sensations and so on).

• Role Playing (Doing the Portrayal): The therapist guides the client to talk to the imagined person or part of themself by expressing vulnerable or assertive feelings they couldn't express in the past. This might involve imagining talking to a frightened younger part of themself, talking to a parent in a memory from the past, confronting someone who abused them and so on.

There are different types of AEDP portrayals including:

• Reparative Portrayals: An example might be a client imagining a new outcome to a painful scene in their life. In this type of portrayal the client can offer themself what might have been needed and lacking in real life to repair emotional damage.

• Internal Parts Work (intra-relational portrayals): Having a dialog with different aspects of themself to resolve internal conflict (similar to Parts Work Therapy/IFS).

Imagery and Imagination: Internal Parts of Self

• Relational Attachment Portrayals: Reenacting relationships to process emotions to attachment figures (e.g., parents, siblings, a ex-lover, etc). 

• Feared Portrayals: Actively engaging with a threatening figure from real life or from a dream to process the emotional impact, reduce shame and anxiety, and to feel empowered.

• Longed-For Portrayals: The client imagines receiving the love, emotional support or validation they desired but never received from a significant person in their life.

• Moment-to-Moment Tracking: Moment-to-moment tracking is an essential part of AEDP whether the interaction involves a portrayal or a conversation between the client  and the therapist in session. This involves the therapist staying closely attuned to the client's facial expressions, movements, emotions and defenses. The therapist also monitors her own mental, emotional, imaginal and bodily sensations.

• Metaprocessing After a Portrayal: The client and therapist process the experience together afterward to help the client to integrate the experience by building a bridge between the client's right brain and left brain. Among other things, the therapist explores with the client what it was like to do the portrayal and, specifically, what it was like for the client to do the portrayal with the therapist. The focus is on what might have changed for the client or what was transformative about the experience. Processing helps the client to hold onto and integrate positive experiences (see my article: How Are Emotions Processed in AEDP?).

Using Imagery and Imagination on Your Own

Aside from the use of imagery and imagination in therapy, athletes  also use mental rehearsal, including visualization, to imagine a successful performance, including overcoming potential obstacles they might encounter. This can help them to build confidence, improve focus and enhance performance.

You can also use your imagination in creative ways on your own to have fun and, if you like, achieve goals.  There are endless ways to use your imagination on your own including:

• Using Creative Visualization For a Hoped-For Outcome: This can involve imagining a hoped-for outcome in your personal life, career or in any other part of your life.

Imagery and Imagination: Hoped-For Outcome

• Imagining "What If" Problem Solving: When you encounter an obstacle, including an internal obstacle, you can imagine "What if there were no limits?" and visualize different solutions, including solutions that might seem unattainable at first but might spark a new perspective.

• Using the "Lightstream" Technique: If you're dealing with stress, you can imagine a soothing, healing light flowing through your body to alleviate stress or physical discomfort.

Future Articles

Using imagery and imagination is one of my favorite topics, so I'll write more about it in future articles.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

The Mind-Body Connection as a Window Into the Unconscious Mind

Using the Mind-Body Connection to Create the World You Want 

Dreams and Embodied Imagination 

Working With Your Dreams to Develop Your Creative Imagination 

What Are Imaginal Interweaves?  

Books: Imagination and Medicine

Anxiety Can Be a Signal That You Are Suppressing Deeper Emotions

Anxiety is a common mental state that everyone experiences at one time or another. 

Anxiety can either be an adaptive emotion or it can be an inhibitory emotion, which I'll explain in this article (see my article: What is the Difference Between Fear and Anxiety?).

Anxiety Can Signal Suppressed Emotions

What is Anxiety?

Anxiety is characterized by physical and mental symptoms including (but are not limited to):

• Muscle tension
• Rapid heartbeat 
• Headaches
• Shortness of breath
• Digestive issues
• Lightheadedness
• Trouble sleeping
  
• Fatigue
• Nausea
• Trembling
• Twitching
• Excessive worry or a sense of impending danger
• Irritability
• Restlessness
• Avoidance of feared situations

When is Anxiety Adaptive?

Mild anxiety can be adaptive. 

For instance, mild anxiety can be adaptive before taking an exam, giving a presentation or preparing for a sporting event because it acts as a catalyst to help you to focus and prepare for these events to improve your performance.

When is Anxiety a Signal You Are Suppressing Deeper Emotions?

Anxiety can also act as a secondary emotion that let's you know you're suppressing core emotions, which are also known as deeper emotions or primary emotions (I'll use these terms interchangeably).

Core emotions include:

• Sadness
• Fear
• Joy
• Anger
• Surprise
• Disgust

When is Anxiety an Inhibitory Emotion?

When you experience anxiety as a secondary emotion, the anxiety is a signal that you are suppressing (or inhibiting) core emotions. 

Learning to suppress emotions often occurs early in life. 

As a child, you might have learned that emotions are "dangerous". 

This usually occurs when a  parent, who is uncomfortable with certain emotions, either ignores, punishes or lets you know in some other way that these emotions are unsafe.

Learning to Suppress Emotions as a Child

For instance, let's say you cried as a child because you were afraid of going to school. If your  parent was uncomfortable with your crying and didn't know how to handle your emotions, your parent might have said, "Stop being a drama queen" or "Big girls don't cry" or "You look ugly when you cry" (see my article: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?).

If you had enough of these experiences as a child, you learn that it's unsafe to experience certain emotions because your parent isn't going to comfort you or, worse still, your parent will ignore, punish or criticize you. So, rather than experiencing the unbearable vulnerability of being alone with uncomfortable emotions, you learn to suppress these emotions.

When emotions are suppressed, the suppression creates trapped emotional energy which forces the body to keep the nervous system in a chronic state of fight-or-flight. This results in sustained spikes of cortisol or adrenaline which can create the anxiety-related symptoms mentioned above (racing heart, muscle tension and so on).

How Can You Address Suppressed Core Emotions?

If you notice you're feeling anxious and it's not a mild anxiety that is adaptive, you can pause, get curious, tune into your body and ask yourself, "What am I feeling underneath this anxiety?"

Using Somatic Awareness to Tune Into Your Body

For instance, if you tune into your body and notice that underneath your anxiety you're feeling sadness, you can reduce the anxiety in your body by allowing yourself to feel the sadness (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection and Somatic Awareness).

At that point, maybe you allow yourself to cry to release some of the sadness or maybe you write in a journal to express your sadness. 

You might also talk to a trusted friend so you don't feel alone with your sadness and you can  receive validation that your experience is normal and your friend has had similar experiences.

Other emotions that suppress core emotions are shame and guilt.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you find it difficult to tune into your body and detect the emotions you are suppressing, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who practices Experiential Therapy.

A psychotherapist who practices Experiential Therapy can help you to develop the necessary somatic awareness to deal with suppressed emotions and the underlying issues.

Experiential therapies are especially helpful in overcoming anxiety and trauma (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective Than Traditional Talk Therapy?).

Experiential therapies include:

• Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)

• Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP)

• Somatic Experiencing (SE)

• Parts Work Therapy (IFS or Ego State Therapy)

Getting Help in Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in therapy so you can calm your nervous system, deal with the underlying issues you have been suppressing and live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As an Experiential Therapist, I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Self Help Tips For Coping With Anxiety

Getting Help For Anxiety in Therapy 

What Does Processing Your Emotions Mean?

How to Cope With News Anxiety 

Overcoming Adult Separation Anxiety

What is the Connection Between Anxiety and Depression? 

Grieving For a Parent Who Wasn't There For You

Grief for a deceased parent isn't always related to how close you were.

Grieving For a Parent Who Wasn't There For You

In fact, grief related to the loss of a parent you weren't close to can be even more intense than grief for a nurturing parent because it often involves grieving for what  you hoped for and never got (see links for my articles about grief below).

For adults who have lost a parent under these circumstances, part of the grief is knowing that the warm loving relationship you might have wished for can never be experienced after your parent died. The death can bring a painful finality to your wish and wash away any hopes you might have had to improve the relationship.

Clinical Vignette:

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed:

Alex

Alex was in his mid-30s when he received a phone call from his stepmother, a woman he had never met, telling Alex that his father had terminal cancer. She told him that his father was in hospice and he wasn't expected to live more than a few days.

Before Alex could respond, his stepmother put his father on the phone to say a few words. It was clear to Alex that his father was heavily medicated and Alex didn't know what to say. His father asked for Alex's forgiveness for walking out on Alex and Alex's mother more than 30 years ago. He said he regretted not ever contacting Alex after he walked out on them.

Alex was shocked and confused. He didn't want to reject his father's dying wish, so he told his father that he forgave him. Then, his stepmother got back on the phone and told Alex that his father was too weak to talk any more. Before she hung up,she told Alex she would keep him apprised.

Not knowing what else to do, Alex sat for several minutes to take in what had just happened. When he was a child, he would ask his mother where his father had gone and his mother would tell him that his father was away on a business trip. But as weeks turned into months and years, Alex realized his father wasn't returning and he never asked his mother about it again because he didn't want to upset her.

Alex buried his feelings about his father and tried not to think about him. But there were times in his life when Alex felt sad that his father wasn't there for him, like when he graduated high school, when he graduated college, when he got married and when he had his first child. But during those times he didn't allow himself to dwell on those thoughts.

By the next day, Alex thought he might want to go visit his father before his father passed away, but then he received another call from his stepmother that his father died that night. She said she planned to have a memorial service in a few months and invited Alex to attend and meet his half brother, Jack.

A wave of profound sadness came over Alex. His wife attempted to soothe him, but Alex was too confused, anxious and angry to talk about it. He never even knew he had a half brother.

His wife said to him, "But you haven't seen your father in so many years and you don't even remember him. So, why do you feel sad?"

Alex couldn't explain why he felt so many mixed emotions, but after weeks passed and he didn't feel any better, he got help in therapy.

Grieving For a Parent Who Wasn't There For You

His therapist helped Alex explore his feelings and he realized that, even though he didn't allow himself to dwell on being abandoned by his father, he always had a wish that he and his father would reunite and they would develop a strong father-son relationship. But now that his father was dead, the reconciliation was impossible and this made him feel deeply sad.

His therapist helped Alex to grieve the abandonment and the loss of a relationship he wished for but now would never have. He also worked on his anger about his father asking him as he was dying to forgive him because, even though Alex said he forgave him, he wasn't sure how he felt.

As Alex continued to work on these issues in therapy, he realized how much he had stuffed his feelings from the time he was young because there was no one to help him with his complicated feelings about being abandoned and never seeing his father again. He believed his mother did the best she could, but she wasn't emotionally equipped to help him when he was a child.

After his father's death, when he spoke to his mother, he realized her memories of that time were different from his. She believed she had sat him down, talked to him and comforted him after his father left. When he told her what he remembered, she denied it, so Alex dropped the subject.

The memorial service was several months away and Alex had mixed feelings about going. Part of him wanted to go to meet his half brother and to find out more about his father, but another part of him didn't want to go. Even though he knew logically that none of this was his half brother's fault, he felt hurt and angry that his half brother had the relationship with his father that Alex wanted.

Then one day Alex received a call from his half brother, Jack, and they talked for over an hour. Jack said he could only imagine how difficult it must have been for Alex to get the call from Jack's mother after so many years. He also hoped they could meet and get to know each other.

Over time, they developed a relationship and Alex decided to go to the memorial service.

It took Alex a while to sort out his feelings about his father and his anger about the way his mother lied to him when his father left. But he also felt relieved to release the emotions in therapy--emotions he had suppressed for so many years.

Over time, Alex worked out his grief in therapy and maintained a relationship with Jack.

Getting Help in Therapy

Grieving for a deceased parent is difficult and it can be that much more difficult when a parent hasn't been there for you.

Getting Help in Therapy

Rather than trying to deal with these complicated emotions on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has experience helping clients with grief and loss.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I am an experienced psychotherapist who has helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles

Mourning the Death of a Father You Never Knew

Common Reactions to the Death of a Loved One 

The Many Layers of Grief 

The Emotional Impact of Losing Both Parents

Who Are You After Both of Your Parents Die?

Writing to Cope With Grief